


The Hands of Fate Are Your Own

by Elveny, Kunstpause



Series: Precipice of Change [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anders (Dragon Age) Positive, Anxiety, Canon is more of a guideline anyway, Canon-Typical Violence, Casual Sex, Childhood Trauma, Cullen Rutherford Positive, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends, Forbidden Love, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Getting to Know Each Other, Hurt/Comfort, Lore Exploration, Love at First Sight, Mages and Templars, Magic, Multi, Original Character(s), Polyamory, Romance, Unplanned Pregnancy, so much pining, the redemption arc Cullen deserved, two main characters, well nearly everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2020-05-19 14:57:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 188,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19359295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elveny/pseuds/Elveny, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunstpause/pseuds/Kunstpause
Summary: For the elder Hawke twins, it was not the first time they had to leave their home behind and start somewhere fresh, always hiding, always on the run. Adriene and Cassia Hawke thought that the worst was behind them after they escaped the Blight... but a city like Kirkwall was just as likely to bring them closer together than it was likely to tear them apart.





	1. A Tale of Two Champions

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thanks to our lovely beta readers [CuriousThimble](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuriousThimble/pseuds/CuriousThimble), [EdenCalder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdenCalder/pseuds/EdenCalder) and [Frogbutton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frogbutton/pseuds/Frogbutton)
> 
> You have been (and still are) absolutely invaluable!
> 
> Updates on Mondays.

“You! You knew the Champion personally.”

She had a special quality, a talent, to make the simplest statement sound like an accusation.

“Knew? I still do…” Varric looked rather unimpressed at the angry woman in front of him. “Has anyone ever told you that you come across as slightly hostile?” 

She almost threw the book she was holding at him. Her arm twitched. She was clearly a woman who preferred fighting over talking. “I will give you hostile, dwarf, if you do not tell me what I want to know!”

Varric clicked his tongue. “Now, now, Seeker… ah, Cassandra, was it? No need to threaten an honest member of the merchant guild over a piece of literature.”

He could see she was still seething, but she seemed to be at least willing to give a less angry approach a try. “I simply need to know more about the Champion. It’s important that I find her.”

“Now, if you have actually read the book you should know that your people are largely at fault for what happened.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “Don’t you think the Chantry has done enough?”

Cassandra let out a frustrated growl. “The circumstances are… changing. And we need the Champion’s help, desperately.” She was pacing in front of him, clearly under a lot of stress. “I already have asked around nearly everywhere to try and get some information about the Champion. The results were… less than helpful,” she admitted.

Varric had his trademark grin on his face. “Oh really? Why don’t you tell me what you have heard and then I’ll see if I can fill in some of the gaps?”

She shook her head in annoyance. “There are no gaps to fill, everyone has plenty to say. It just… doesn’t make any sense,” she huffed. The dwarf gave her a curious look and she sighed. “Some people claim she was almost like an assassin, others say she was a mage.” 

Varric’s eyebrows shot up at this. “Really now? That  _ does  _ sound confusing,” he agreed, his smirk growing bigger.

“Then people told me I should probably talk to her partner, but no one seems to agree on who that actually is?” Cassandra rolled her eyes as she remembered the many confusing accounts she had heard. “She had a mage in the undercity who may or may not have been with her, and apparently a pirate general? And people who claim she was a mage say there was a forbidden romance with someone very unsuited, which sounds like something straight out of some of your other books.” She couldn’t see Varric smile as she went on. “Oh, and my personal favorite: Apparently she was in love with an elf that glowed in the moonlight… I mean, really?” 

Varric had a hard time keeping a somewhat straight face by now. “Seeker, perhaps I should explain something…” But Cassandra seemed to have no mind to listen to him, finally getting out all the things that frustrated her.

“Apparently she was part of the mage rebellion, helping the Chantry explosion along while somehow working for the Knight-Commander,” she went on. “Penniless while living in a mansion in Hightown and apparently owning a mine that produced dragons, and a brothel. It is ridiculous!”

“That doesn’t really sound like a person you go to for help, right?” Varric prodded carefully.

“No it doesn’t,” Cassandra admitted. “But the Chantry is falling apart and the Divine needs help. And Hawke was our best bet so far.” She sounded almost defeated and Varric was already cursing himself for what he was about to do. 

“The Divine, you say?” he asked and the Seeker nodded. “Ah crap, I wish you wouldn’t have said that. Now I’ve got to be all honest and helpful to you and I really, really don’t want to,” he sighed. “Alright, ask your questions, about which one do you want to know?”

A spark lit up in Cassandra’s eyes as she realized he was finally willing to cooperate. She was already phrasing a question in her head when something gave her pause. “What do you mean by  _ ‘which one’ _ ?” she asked carefully. “The Champion of Kirkwall, of course.”

Varric gave her an almost devious grin. “See, this is where everyone else might have lost you. Those stories you’ve heard? They seem a bit much for a single person, right?” Cassandra’s eyes went wide as he continued. “All those contradictions would make for one very weird person - or for two pretty regular ones, I suppose…”

Cassandra didn’t seem to be sure if she should even believe him. For a moment, she just narrowed her eyes and looked overall threatening. Varric wasn’t sure if she was trying to intimidate him or if that was actually just her normal face. He strongly suspected it was the latter one. 

“You are telling me that there were two Champions of Kirkwall, both named Hawke?” she asked, skepticism dripping from every word.

“Sisters,” he agreed. “Twins actually, though they weren’t very much alike at all, you could say.” 

“So let me get this straight,” Cassandra stared him down. “So one of them actually was a mage and the other wasn’t?”

Varric simply nodded.

“That makes… a lot of sense actually.” Cassandra seemed to deliberate something, probably going over all the different stories she heard again, seeing them under a new light. “So one of them supporting the rebellion is actually true?”

“Yes, she did.”

“And her sister worked with the templars?” She did seem to find that harder to understand. “They weren’t that close then?”

Varric didn’t know if he should laugh or cry at that. The events hadn’t been so long ago that he could have forgotten the tension and the emotions that were around back then. “On the contrary, Seeker. They are exceptionally close.”

The Seeker seemed to be even more confused than before. “Yet the mage was fighting for her freedom and her sister was openly supporting the templars? That doesn’t strike one as particularly  _ ‘close’ _ .”

This time Varric did laugh out loud, much to Cassandra’s dismay. “Oh, you got it all wrong, Seeker. Listen closely, because this is where it gets complicated!”


	2. Chance Encounters

Cassia had been sitting at her lonely table in the Red Sails for over half an hour already. Waiting. More and more getting ready to accept the fact that she had been stood up and the woman she was here to see about some work was not going to show after all. With a sigh, she stared at her half-empty drink. This evening seemed to have been a complete waste of time. She regretted having turned down Carver’s offer to accompany her. She had thought that the whole thing would be over pretty quickly. A short job description, a brief discussion maybe, and that would be it. It had seemed unnecessary to keep him from having a fun evening in the Hanged Man. By now, her own boredom was strong enough that she would consider it a worthy sacrifice of his free time to have kept her company after all. 

She finished her drink. As she looked at the now empty glass on the table, she wondered if she made a particularly sad picture right now. Sitting alone in the corner, with not even a drink to keep her company anymore. But the tavern seemed busy, and no one really looked all that interested in what was going on around them. It was part of the reason why people came here after all. Red Sails had a reputation for having patrons from all over the city, not just locals. A perfect place to meet in relative anonymity. It wasn’t even the first time a job had sent her here. It was certainly the blandest one though. With a sigh, she flicked at her empty glass, considering another drink and giving the absent woman with the now far-away-seeming job another twenty minutes or so before Cassia would give up, when someone cleared their throat next to her.

“Excuse me,” came a smooth voice from behind her, “I couldn’t help but notice you sitting alone for quite a while and I was wondering if I can buy you a drink?” 

The voice belonged to a man she didn’t know. He was tall, taller than her probably, dressed in regular clothes. He looked around her age perhaps, which made him younger than at least three-quarters of all the other patrons Cassia noticed, just before her eyes fell onto something else: his smile. He had a nice smile and instinctively she smiled back.

“I am actually waiting for someone,” she said apologetically and she could see him immediately taking a step back. Gently turning down strangers had become something of a reflex for her when sitting around on her own in taverns mostly filled with drunk people.

“I didn’t want to impose,” he said politely and Cassia wanted to smack herself. Hadn’t she just complained to herself how utterly bored she had been? This was her chance to not be anymore after all. 

“You’re not imposing at all,” she said hurriedly. “If I am honest, I think I might have been stood up. It’s been over forty minutes,” she sighed with a shrug. “So if you don’t mind the absolute off chance they might still show, I’d actually love another drink.” In a bout of confidence at his relieved smile, she sent him a playful wink. “Assuming it comes with company, of course?”

The man let out a laugh and Cassia realized she found it just as nice as his smile. “Of course, if the lady wants company, how could I refuse? I shall do my best and find someone suitable at the bar.” It was Cassia’s turn to laugh as he took her glass without further ado. “You drink wine?” he inquired and Cassia nodded.

“Yes please.” Her eyes followed him as he made his way over to the barkeeper, getting two drinks for them. She wasn’t even entirely sure what she was doing. Talking to random strangers wasn’t something Cassia had any experience with. And letting said random stranger buy her a drink? That was even less her. It felt more like something that would happen to Adriene. Adriene, who had told her not too long ago to get out more often. To try and meet people, get used to living a somewhat normal life. Cassia smiled at the thought of Adriene probably being proud of her for heeding her advice, albeit almost accidentally. 

Just when she had finished that thought, the stranger was back, carefully setting down her glass before sitting across from her. Cassia noticed that he got himself a glass of wine as well, the same as hers. 

“So,” he gave her a speculative look. “I think you really need to give me a name. I can’t keep calling you ‘beautiful tavern girl’ in my mind the entire evening after all.”

Cassia chuckled, mostly amused by the fact that she had been about to ask something similar. “Oh? But we match so well! I’ve been calling you ‘handsome tavern stranger’ in my head after all…” 

It put a wide grin on his face. “Look at that! We have similar names. Feels like this is destiny.”

 _More like incredible luck_ , Cassia thought, taking a sip of her wine. He had a point though, actual names would definitely make talking to each other a lot more pleasant. “Cassia,” she offered. “My name is Cassia.”

“Cassia,” he repeated as he took her hand, lifting it up to his mouth, his eyes never leaving hers as he placed a soft kiss into the air just above it. Not actually touching her hand with his lips he smiled, like a perfect gentleman. “Charmed.”

Cassia felt a small blush rising to her cheeks. Charmed indeed! She felt something inside her flutter at his look. She didn’t even know this man! Had said no more than a couple of sentences to him and yet he was utterly captivating already. Nervously, she cleared her throat.

“It’s not fair if you don’t give me your name in return,” she noted and he let her hand go again, nodding in agreement.

“Very true. Cullen. That’s my name, I mean.” 

That he stumbled ever so slightly after having been so smooth just a moment ago only made Cassia more intrigued. 

“Nice to meet you, Cullen,” she smiled. “I would say I’ve never seen you here before, but since I’ve barely ever stepped foot in this place myself before today that doesn’t really mean much.” 

He let out another laugh at that, drinking a bit of his own wine. “Well, I still would have told you that I only just arrived in Kirkwall. Fresh off the boat so to say.”

“Oh?” Cassia suddenly felt even more interested. “Where from? I’ve only been here myself for about a year, came over from Ferelden.”

“What a coincidence,” Cullen mused. “I am from Ferelden myself.”

Cassia looked him up and down. The timing and his clothes would suggest that he didn’t come here for the same reasons she had at least. “The Blight has been over for a while so I am assuming you are not here as a refugee then?” 

He shook his head. “No, I am actually here for work.” There was a brief shadow over his eyes that was gone almost as quickly as it had come up. “And I needed a change of scenery,” he added.

Cassia raised her eyebrows. “And for a change of scenery, you chose Kirkwall? You must have a horrible taste then.” 

Cullen laughed heartily at her remark. “Oh, I don’t know. I chose to talk to you, after all, didn’t I?”

“You don’t know me yet, perhaps there is something hidden away, far beneath first impressions. Perhaps I am positively awful even,” she teased, enjoying their conversation to the fullest.

He sent her a look that was just as intense as the one he had when kissing her hand and Cassia felt the small flutter return as he spoke, “I’ve only known you for about fifteen minutes and I already find that highly unlikely.” He winked at her. “But if you insist that you are secretly a bad person I have no choice but to get us more wine and start a thorough investigation.”

“By all means,” Cassia gestured over the otherwise empty table. “It seems like I am free for the evening, so investigate to your heart’s content.” 

A little while later Cullen made good on his offer and got then both more wine. The conversation flowed seamlessly between them. About where in Ferelden they were from, their families to first impressions of Kirkwall. All topics spliced with some delightful bits of flirtation. Cassia found herself surprised by just how effortless this now not-quite-a-stranger-anymore was to talk to. How easily she could tell him bits and pieces about her family. How interested she was in what he told her in return.

After her third glass of wine, she decided to take it easy on the alcohol. She was having way too much fun to risk getting too tipsy, or drowsy even. No, she wanted to keep a clear head, to remember this evening in all its detail for a long time. Some time ago, while talking, Cullen had put his hand onto hers. It felt almost casual but when Cassia looked at him there was a spark in his eyes that told her it was anything but. There wasn’t just a spark though, there also seemed to be an unspoken question and when Cassia smiled widely at him she saw it disappear as his fingers started to draw small patterns onto her wrist while he talked. Cassia felt herself getting pleasantly lost in the feeling of his touch and the gentle lull of their conversation.

A couple of unassuming topics later, it was Cassia who got up to get them something else to drink, asking the bartender for a pitcher of water and two new glasses. While waiting, she shot a glance back over her shoulder, not surprised to find Cullen watching her every movement. Cassia turned her head back around before biting her lip. She wasn’t sure she had ever been this attracted to someone almost instantly. And from everything he had said, from his behavior to the touch earlier, it looked like she was definitely not alone in her attraction. A little bit of nervousness rose up again. This wasn’t her, was it? Sitting around in taverns, making eyes at strangers. Then again, by now they had talked for what had been at least two if not three hours already. Cullen could hardly count as a complete stranger anymore. 

Cassia grabbed the water and the new glasses and made her way back to the table through the now very full tavern. Cullen’s eyes still hadn’t left her and there was a hot, tingling sensation running down Cassia’s back that only felt more intense the closer she got. Adriene wouldn’t hesitate, she thought briefly. If her sister saw something she wanted, she usually just went after it. With more success than failure. Maybe it was time for Cassia to take a page out of her sister’s book. To be bold herself. As she reached the table, she had made a decision. Putting down the glasses and water, she motioned Cullen to move, only to slide onto the bench right next to him instead of sitting down across the table like she had been before. 

All of a sudden, they were so much closer. Cullen looked confused only for the briefest of moments before sending her an appreciative look. “And here I was making elaborate plans to somehow get around this table,” he murmured quietly, his face close to hers. 

“Should I be sorry to ruin your plans?” Cassia felt her breath hitch as he shifted slightly, facing her more directly. 

“No, not at all.” Suddenly there were fingers slowly leaving a trail of goosebumps from her shoulder up to her neck. “You lied to me though,” he teased, his eyes not leaving hers and Cassia swallowed.

“I did?” She wasn’t sure what he was talking about.

“You did.” She could feel his breath on her skin, his fingers underneath her chin, tilting her head ever so slightly upward. “There is absolutely nothing awful to find after getting to know you.” He still smiled at her, looking almost calm while Cassia felt her heart racing. Only his now slightly increased breathing gave away that he wasn’t as relaxed as he appeared.

“Oops!” Cassia chuckled. “My bad…” She didn’t dare to move. The delicious tension between them held her in place even more so than his hand did. Cullen came closer, his lips hovering over hers, so close she could almost feel them. Why wasn’t he kissing her already? Cassia felt the need inside her grow, deciding to take the lead if she had to. But when she tried to close the distance between them his hand held her head in place. 

“No, not yet. Not here,” he whispered and she could have sworn she felt the words against her lips, so close were they. 

“When? Where?” Cassia hated how needy her voice sounded. How a hint of insecurity still bled through. Had she misunderstood this?

Cullen seemed to have picked up on that, his hand cupping her cheek gently, reassuringly. “Don’t think I do not want this,” he said softly, laying her worries to rest. “In fact, I want nothing more than to kiss you right now, but I have a strong suspicion that once I do, I really do not want to stop again.”

Oh! Cassia felt her eyes widen. The small flickers of anticipation that had gone through her the entire evening already turned into full-blown lust at the thought of what he meant by this. “Cullen,” she breathed, “If you are thinking about asking me to spend the night with you I’ll have you know I’d have already said yes an hour ago.”

Cullen let out a sharp breath at her words before he gave her a promising smile. “In that case…” He drew away from her and Cassia would have protested if she hadn’t seen him take out a few coins, placing them next to their glasses to settle their tab. She remembered him telling her earlier that he had a room in the Red Sails for the night, before moving on to his new job. Cassia felt giddy with excitement and thankful that they didn’t have to go on a walk through half the town right now. Just a moment later, he ushered her off the small bench, getting up himself and then there was an arm around her waist, gently guiding her along towards his room. Towards privacy. 

The door was barely closed behind them when Cassia felt herself being crowded against it. Cullen was as close as he had been at the table again. Closer even, now that she could feel his entire body pressed against hers. They hadn’t said another word, and Cassia could feel her heartbeat almost furiously in her chest as she ran her hands up his arms, feeling the tense muscles underneath his shirt. She gave him a coy look but Cullen still seemed intent to draw this out, hovering ever so close to her lips, not closing that last bit of distance. One of his hands was on her waist, gently moving up to her chest while the other one cupped her face again. 

Cassia let out a sigh as she pushed herself closer to him, reveling in the anticipation of the moment. The intimacy that seemed to build between them. She had been expecting something frantic and possibly even wild on their hurried way to his room but somehow this was both better and more intense than she had thought it would be. But even the amazing feeling of anticipation and being wanted had its limits for Cassia.

“Cullen,” she whispered. “Please kiss me.”

With a promising smile, he let his hand bury itself into her hair, gently pulling her head back even further. “Your wish is my command,” he breathed quietly before finally closing the last gap between them.

Cassia felt herself melt into him. He was warm against her, the pressure of his mouth on hers ever so sweet. When his tongue was at her lips, gently seeking entrance, she opened them immediately, meeting him with her own. A moan passed between them as his hand in her hair tightened just a little bit, sending delightful shivers down her back. Their breaks for air were short and far in between and always lead right back into more. He definitely knew what he was doing, and Cassia was certain that she had never been kissed quite like that before in her life. Never with such abandon and so thoroughly, as if there wasn’t even a single thing in the world he’d rather be doing. She had a feeling she could get lost in his kisses alone, but a part of her was definitely more on the impatient side. She wanted so much more. Needed more. And she needed it sooner rather than later, she decided, pushing herself off the door and into him. 

Cassia had decided to be bold tonight after all and bold people went after what they wanted, she thought as her hands wandered underneath his tunic. Cullen seemed more than happy to let her run her hands all over him, wherever she could reach. When the tunic bunched up rather inconveniently he helped her along, pulling it off him. 

“We could take this to the bed,” he murmured, his fingers busy with the fastenings of her shirt but Cassia shook her head. 

“Not yet,” she playfully threw his own words back at him. “I have other plans first.”

Cullen pulled her shirt off her, giving her a delighted grin. “I wouldn’t want to interrupt your plans,” he let out between small moans of pleasure as Cassia started to kiss her way down his chest. 

She could feel his excitement pressed against her and she gave him a quick squeeze through his clothes before starting to undo his pants. “I am quite sure you’ll absolutely love my plans,” she mumbled quietly. Gently she pushed him back against the door, indicating he should stay there for a moment before she sank down to her knees, freeing his length from its clothed constraints on her way. The sharp gasp from above as she took him in her hand made her certain he agreed with her assessment. Without any further teasing, she let her tongue run over his shaft before taking him into her mouth. 

The moan she could hear him make sounded wonderful to her ears as she started moving around him, licking and sucking at his length. There was a tentative hand in her hair again and Cassia moaned around him in encouragement, feeling another spike of lust run through her as he took her hint and tightened his hold on her hair just a bit.

“Cassia,” she heard him whisper above her. Her name falling from his lips like that making her quiver with want, and she doubled her efforts, moving her head up and down faster than before. Another moan was his reply and the hand on her hair held her stronger, pulled harder. She felt her eyes cross for a moment as he pulled hard enough to keep her still. “Stop,” he groaned, gently moving her off him and back up onto her feet. There was heat in his gaze, a burning fire in his eyes as he started moving them. “Bed,” came his voice, sounding much rougher than before. “Now!”

Cassia only nodded, letting herself be moved however he saw fit, lost to a haze of want and need in her own mind. She felt hands on her hips, clothes being pulled, and a moment later, she was naked and on the bed, Cullen looking up to her from in between her legs with a promising look in his eyes. _My turn,_ they seemed to say and just like that she felt his fingers and his tongue on her, making her head fall back for a moment. When she earlier had thought that his kisses were amazing she should have anticipated that he would be good at this as well, she couldn’t help but think as she marveled at the feeling of his tongue on her.

There was a heat growing inside of Cassia. It had started when they had met, the first playful flirting having kindled something inside her, steadily growing in intensity the longer the evening had gone on. It had been nothing to the pure feeling of fire burning in her the moment his tongue found what he had been looking for, sending delicious sparks of fiery pleasure through her with every move. Cassia heard herself moan his name, helpless against the onslaught of both desire and pleasure running through her. There were fingers dipping into her folds, matching his rhythm and soon she could do nothing but let out moan after moan while her fingers clawed themselves into the sheets. 

When she felt herself tumble over the edge it came almost as a surprise to her, both in its intensity and its speed. “Cullen!” she gasped, her voice breaking under the strain the waves of pleasure put on her body. An instant later he was above her, pushing deeply into her. Cassia still felt herself shiver through the aftershocks when he immediately set a quick pace of thrusting into her, hitting that spot inside her just right. Her eyes flew open at the feeling of pleasure returning almost instantly. Part of her still felt overly sensitive but the way he was moving inside her, the look in his eyes and the knowing grin on his face all worked together, making her whimper with need again.

“You are absolutely breathtaking,” Cullen mumbled between breaths, not taking his eyes off her even for a moment. Cassia could only stare and moan as she felt the pressure building up again already, pushing her over the edge for a second time so closely after the first. She felt herself reach for him, calling his name and he was kissing her again, deeply and full of passion as she felt his movements stutter for a moment and then he was joining her in ecstasy. The kiss was filled with moans from both of them and Cassia could do nothing but hold on, cling to him as she rode out the last waves of pleasure.

Cullen didn’t let go of his tight hold on her when sinking down to the mattress next to her, turning her around with him in the process until she was snugly pressed against him, still in his arms. Cassia let out a deep sigh, still trying to catch her breath. “Wow,” she murmured. “That was definitely a much better end to the evening than I would have ever anticipated.”

Next to her Cullen chuckled, and she could feel the rumbling vibrations through his chest. “End? You are planning on leaving already?” he said playfully and Cassia felt herself smile.

“I think I could be persuaded to stay a little longer,” she teased, settling more comfortably against his chest.

Cullen still sounded amused. “Give me a couple of minutes, and I’ll persuade you to stay the entire night,” he said, with a promise in his voice.

Cassia laughed, a giddy feeling spreading through her again. “That shouldn’t be too difficult for you,” she mused. 

“Hm, and here I was looking for a challenge.” He had started running his hand up and down her back, sending delightful little shivers through Cassia, making her look up and into his eyes again with a smile.

“You could still try and convince me to tell you where I live,” she suggested, holding her breath for a moment. Maybe this was going a step too far? What if all he had wanted was a nice night with no strings attached? But the smile in his eyes quenched that doubt immediately.

“Are you telling me you wouldn't divulge that information right now already?” he teased her, one hand coming to rest on her breast, gently running over her nipple until she gasped quietly. 

“I thought you wanted a challenge,” Cassia sighed, moving slightly to give him better access. 

“In this case, I’ll take the security of seeing you again over the thrill of the challenge,” Cullen said directly. His voice had lost the overly flirty tone, sounding almost serious for a moment and Cassia felt the need to kiss him again. With a small wiggle, she tilted her head, brushing her lips over his. For the first time since she had arrived in Kirkwall, she found herself thinking that she just might grow to like this city after all.


	3. Getting to Know You

“Hey Fenris!”

Fenris turned around, putting the apple he just had taken back onto the market stall. His eyebrows lifted in surprise as he saw Adriene coming towards him with an open, wide smile. “Hawke?”

“I was just thinking about you!” Adriene exclaimed in delight as she came to stand next to him. Her eyes, that always seemed twinkle with some kind of mischief, were bright as she looked up to him.

He was not quite sure what to make of her statement. “Is that so?” he asked, somewhat incredulously, raising one eyebrow. The dry tone of his voice made her chuckle. 

“I was! You are hard to forget, you know,” she added with a teasing wink. Fenris tried to take it in the light-hearted way it was said, but he couldn’t help the apprehension rising in him.

“Yes, I’ve heard that said before,” he answered darkly. After years on the run, trying to blend in the background, it would take some getting used to no longer hiding. Her teasing smile died on her lips as she saw the way he nearly imperceptibly distanced himself from her at the words. But before she could answer, Fenris looked at her and his features softened slightly as he saw the regret in her eyes and the way her face fell.

“My apologies,” he said. “I did not mean to sullen your mood, Hawke. ”

He could sense the relief in her as she let out a tiny breath before she raised an eyebrow and clicked her tongue with a grin. “Please, Fenris. You’ll have to do better if you want to sullen my mood, I’m not that easily brought down.”

They had started to walk over the market place, and she kept next to him, her voice becoming serious again, as she added, “On the contrary, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

Fenris inclined his head in a silent thanks for her words. “You didn’t. It is just that I have yet to become accustomed to… being here.”

Her whole face lit up at his words and Fenris couldn’t help but smile at the softness and obvious concern he saw in her eyes. The way she so openly cared about how he felt was surprisingly touching, and he felt himself relax slightly.

“That is actually part of why I came to talk to you,” Adriene said. “Since you’re new to the city and also ‘there if I have need of you’...” The mischievousness was back in her eyes at these words and her smile widened as she saw the corner of his lips curl up slightly. “I wanted to ask you if you would care to join us at The Hanged Man tonight. The rest of our little crew will be there as well - there’s still two Hawkes you don’t know yet and also Varric who will also be part of the expedition I told you about, remember? And if we’re going to take on some jobs together we should get to know each other, don’t you think?”

Fenris paused, uncertainty in his eyes. She was right, of course, and he did owe her for the help with the bounty hunters, but he had been in hiding for so long that it was still a new concept for him to accept company. Or offerings of friendship. Adriene saw his hesitation and disappointment flashed over her face but it seemed she didn’t want to be disheartened so easily. 

“Oh, come on, Fenris,” she pleaded with a soft smile, turning on her heel to walk backward before him so she could look into his face directly. “I promise, it’ll be fun! I’ll even treat you if money is your worry.”

Another smile came on his face as he looked at her and he shook his head amusedly. “Thank you, but it’s not the money,” he answered. “Danarius’… my mansion had enough treasures just lying around to carry me for a while longer.”

Adriene nodded then she paused, frowning slightly. “Then why are you hesitating? Is it because of my sisters? Because they’re mages?”

“No.” The answer came before he had even thought about it, but to his own surprise, he found it was true. The mages hadn’t even been a part of his considerations. It seemed it did make a difference to him on which side someone fought after all. Like he had said after their fight, they were not Danarius. And whether they were like the magister remained to be seen.

Adriene turned around to walk by his side again and looked at him sideways. They had left the marketplace by now and were slowly making their way towards Danarius’ - no,  _ his _ mansion, he scolded himself. How long would it take until the last of these automated thoughts would be purged from his mind?

The smile had eased from her face, but there was a softness to her eyes as she said, “Look, I don’t want to convince you of anything you really don’t want to do. And don’t worry, my promise to help you with Danarius still stands even if you decide to keep your distance and only interact on a professional basis.”

Fenris inclined his head. “I appreciate that, Hawke.” For another few steps, neither of them said something, then he asked, somewhat apprehensively, “Why do you even care whether I come or not?” The question had been on his mind since she had asked him to join them. He didn’t even know what he wanted the answer to be. Her unobtrusive little flirts actually delighted him, and she was an attractive woman - even if he was still far from being comfortable to share anything beyond words with anybody. But if this was what she hoped for, it would be better to keep his distance even if it meant staying alone for however long it would take Danarius to catch up with him.

But Adriene’s answer was not flirty in the least.

Instead, there was true warmth in her face as she said, “Because I came to this city as a refugee myself. Not with bounty hunters on my heels but…” She caught herself as if she had nearly said too much and continued a bit softer, “but I had to go into debt for a year just to be able to enter Kirkwall. All of my siblings and I. And it’s only since we paid off our debt that I realized just how much time and energy that took up. It was only afterward that all of us could start to forge actual friendships and truly start to make a home here.”

Adriene took a breath and made a quick gesture, as if to cut herself short. “What I’m trying to say is, I know how it is to come into a strange new city with nobody you know. And if I can make it a bit easier for you to make a home and friends here, I will.” She smiled again. “Plus, it’ll really be fun. And after everything you’ve been through, I think you can use a bit of fun. No, let me rephrase that: I think you  _ deserve _ a bit of fun.”

They had arrived at his mansion and Fenris turned to face her. She was still smiling and despite her cheeky attitude and posture, there was a softness to her smile that touched him. It was that softness that convinced him. “Alright, Hawke,” he said. “I’ll be there.”

“That’s awesome!” she exclaimed with a brilliant smile, “You know where the Hanged Man is, right?”

That made him chuckle. The huge statue that hung upside down in front of one of the most prominent parts of Lowtown was hard to miss for anyone. “I believe I couldn’t have missed it if I tried when I lay in wait for the hunters,” he answered and Adriene laughed.

“True. Then I’ll see you tonight, Fenris!”

He watched her go with a smile that didn’t vanish for a while, even when he turned and went inside. He found himself still thinking about her when he settled down in the main room, and to his own surprise, he was looking forward to the evening. Maybe hiring Anso had been a lucky strike on more than one level.

 

* * *

 

Ever since they had met a few weeks ago, Fenris had been in Adriene’s thoughts. There was something about him that had touched her, something that went beyond the attraction she felt due to his looks and that voice of his. The raw emotion he had displayed in the mansion had tugged at her heart - but what had truly moved her had been the little surprised and yet delighted chuckle at her flirting before he had reined himself back in. As if he was unfamiliar with open interest in him. And yet, he had started to flirt back - subtly, more with eyes and smiles than words. Not even their disagreements concerning mages had changed that, even though they had been frustrated with each other more than once. Still, she came back to visit him if they didn’t meet in the Hanged Man, and he was unwaveringly at their side when there was work to be done.

So when he hadn’t shown up in the Hanged Man for the third day in a row, Adriene could no longer keep her concern at bay, turning up at his mansion.

Her knocking remained unanswered, but she was not ready to give up. Carefully, she tried the door, finding it unlocked.

“Fenris?” she called, as she closed it behind her, walking into the dark, empty mansion.

“I’m up here,” came the hesitant answer after a short silence.

Adriene let out a breath of relief, and hurried upstairs, quietly knocking at the doorframe of the dark, cool room she knew he used as his home.

“Hey, I was worried about-“ she started with a smile as she came in, stopping dead in her tracks as she caught sight of him. The smile died on her lips, and her eyes widened in horror when she saw him propped up on the narrow bed in one corner of the room. Instead of his usual armor, he only wore a tunic and loose breeches, looking strangely vulnerable in it. But what caught her eye was not his attire. There was cold sweat on his brow, and a sickly pallor to his skin, his lips pressed together into a tight line.

“Dammit, Fenris!” she exclaimed horrified and hurried to his side.

“It’s nothing, Hawke,” he said from between clenched teeth, but Adriene didn’t listen.

“It’s the leg, isn’t it? Shit, this is my fault.” He had been hurt a few days ago in a fight against mercenaries at the Wounded Coast but had insisted that it was fine afterward.

“Hawke.”

She ignored him, barely reining in her impulse to touch him. She knew he did not like to be touched and was careful to always ask before doing anything he might consider intrusive, but right now she really wanted to steady him, to help him. Instead, she pulled her hands back, raking them through her hair in worry. “I should’ve checked on you sooner.” 

Fenris shook his head. “Hawke…”

She offered him her hand as the logical action came to her, somewhat belated. Why hadn’t that been her first thought? “Let’s get you to Anders. Come, I’ll help you. If we go through the cell-“

“Adriene!”

When he growled her name, she finally stopped talking, her eyes snapping to his. He took a deep breath, then he said a bit more calmly, “It is fine. I’m not going to Anders. Just let me rest a few more days and I’ll be back on my feet.”

Adriene opened her mouth to protest, then she closed it again. For second, she just looked at him, determination on her face. “No,” she finally said, and Fenris blinked in surprise.

“Excuse me?”

“No, it’s not fine. And I’m not gonna leave you alone. You’re hurt! I’m gonna take care of you.”

For a second, Fenris only stared at her. “You’re…” he began incredulously.

“I’m gonna take care of you,” she repeated, straightening, and looking around the room. If he didn’t want to go to Anders’ clinic, the least she could do was make sure that he was comfortable and not alone. “I’m gonna clean this mess up and get you something to eat. When was the last time you had something hot?” she asked with a look to the breadcrumbs and leftovers of cheese and fruit on the small table he had dragged next to his bed.

“I…” he started hesitatingly, and she nodded.

“That’s what I thought.”

And without further ado, she rolled up her sleeves and got to work. It took her the better part of a half-hour to clear the room of all the things Fenris hadn’t been able to clean out the last few days, all the while ignoring his protest. After opening every window and letting in some light and air, she went on to build a fire to get some warmth back into the too-cold room, then she told him she’d be back and ran some errands to get him fresh food from the market, grabbing something hot from one of the sutlers selling prepared meals.

When she came back to him, Fenris had moved from the bed to the armchair in front of the fire, exhaustion on his face. She greeted him cheerfully and gave him the hot meal, but even though he took it and started to eat, there still was something apprehensive in him.

“This is really not necessary,” Fenris growled not for the first time, and equally not for the first time, she stubbornly ignored him, took out some trash and swept the floor. But when she started to change the sheets of his bed, he started to protest again.

“Adriene! I know how to take care of myself!” he scowled and Adriene rolled her eyes.

“I know you do,” she just said, not even stopping in her work.

“Then what are you trying to do here?” Fenris obviously was in one of his moods, but considering his current state, Adriene tried not to let it get to her. The growl in his voice made it difficult, however, as he continued, “Getting on my nerves? Making me angry? Is that what you want? Because you’re doing a fine job then!”

She shot him a look and shook her head with narrowed eyes. “Oh, get over yourself. I’m trying to help you.”

“I told you, I know how to-“

“Yes, I know! But that doesn’t mean that you don’t  _ need _ help now and then.”

Fenris seemed to bite back a harsh reply and for a moment, Adriene wasn’t sure he wouldn’t throw her out despite everything. But instead, he just glared at her. After a moment longer, she continued changing the sheets. He sank back into his armchair and looked at her in silence. There still was a careful, nearly suspicious expression in his eyes as he watched her work.

The question came out of the blue, so soft she almost didn't hear it.

“Why would you even want to help me?”

Adriene smoothed the linen with her hand before she answered. “Because we’re friends,” she said more matter-of-factly than she felt, looking at him with a little shrug and smile.

She didn’t know herself when she had started to think of him as such, especially since most of the time they disagreed on fundamental issues. But despite that, she had come to not only respect him deeply but to actually like him. She had even come to rely on him as someone who managed to ground her nearly as much as Cassia did and who was as reliable as a brother-in-arms as Carver. And she appreciated his dry humor and thoughtfulness more and more as they got to know each other better, delighted by his flirts.

Fenris paused and his eyebrows went up a tiny bit as if he hadn’t anticipated that answer. “We… are?”

Adriene cocked her head, suddenly self-conscious. That definitely wasn’t the reaction she had hoped for. “Are we not?” she asked in a low voice in return and something in his face softened slightly as their eyes met.

“I…” he started and interrupted himself nearly immediately as if he had to collect his thoughts first. Adriene waited silently as he stared into the small fire she had built against the humidity and cold in the room. “I’ve never had friends,” he finally confessed and his voice was very quiet.

Her heart clenched in sympathy, but she knew that he would probably retreat into his usual brusk broodiness that he wore like a shield to keep people at a careful distance if she tried to show him sympathy now. It was a habit she knew only too well from herself - just her method differed from his. And what could one possibly say anyway that would address everything this little sentence encompassed?

So she just quietly went over to him, carefully reaching for his hand, giving him the space to draw back if he chose to. To her surprise and delight, he allowed her to touch him and she gave his hand a small squeeze. “Well, you do now,” she smiled, her thumb caressing the back of his hand for a second before she let go again to continue changing the makeshift bed he had set up.

“But we fight. A lot,” Fenris said after another minute of silence and Adriene chuckled as she fluffed up the pillow.

“Fenris, if you think friendship means to always agree with each other, you’re on the wrong track entirely.”

She put the pillow down on the now fresh bed and turned to face him again. “You’re my friend because I care for you. You have my back,” she said with a little shrug. “You’ve shown that on more than one occasion. And you’re not afraid to tell me if you disagree with me, and you manage to do that without…” She stopped herself before she said ‘resorting to violence’ and added instead, “… without disrespecting me. Friendship doesn’t mean to always think alike. It means trust.” Adriene smiled then she indicated the room with a wink, her usual mischievous twinkle coming back to her eyes. “And taking care of each other.”

Fenris held her eyes for a long moment before a slight smile spread over his face and he inclined his head to her. “Thank you… my friend,” he said quietly.

Adriene’s whole face lit up at the little word that meant so much, and his smile grew at the sight of it. “Ah, maybe you shouldn’t thank me yet,” she grinned after another moment. “Because I’m going to get Anders now to take a look at that leg.”

The look on Fenris’ face was indescribable and Adriene couldn’t help herself but laugh. But when he growled her name rather darkly, she held up her hands and conceded, “If you really don’t want me to, I won’t. But I told you, I’m taking care of mine. And I rather like your legs. So please, before that infection spreads, let Anders do his healing. Please.”

She looked at him pleadingly. After a long moment, Fenris sighed. “Fine,” he grumbled. “If that’s what it takes for you to stop fussing.”

Adriene grinned and grabbed her coat. “Not a chance,” she said as she backed out of the room. “You’ve acknowledged our friendship. Now you’re stuck with me.” She shrugged and gave him another wink before she hurried out of the room, leaving him with an expression on his face that said he wasn’t sure if that was a promise or a threat.


	4. A Door Opens

Cassia had underestimated the way towards the Gallows, it seemed. _‘They are really serious about this whole separation thing,'_ she thought while waiting for her boat to cross over. She had never been even near this place before and for good reason. The closer she got, the more daunting the huge statues looked. All of a sudden, she could understand Adriene’s refusal to take any work that would require going here a little more often. But on the other hand… they needed the money and the pay just seemed too good to not at least try. She only hoped she would get anywhere after her sister had already turned down the offer. Rather emphatically, or so Cassia had heard. 

When she stepped into the courtyard for the first time, she couldn’t suppress a small shiver. There were tranquil around, selling wares. In all her time living in Lothering, she had only ever heard of them. Now, seeing someone tranquil in person for the first time felt almost surreal. Cassia didn’t know how she felt about it. Some mages walking briskly, not looking around much. And templars... So many templars. She wasn’t sure she had ever seen so many templars in one spot before, and there was an eerie feeling settling into her stomach.

Cassia was used to hiding among regular people. Non-mages. Even hiding in front of templars at the Chantry. It usually involved looking either as unassuming or as disarmingly open as possible for her. Light clothes that made it obvious she wasn’t hiding anything underneath, a bright smile and most importantly: no staff. For the first time, the absence of the most trusted weapon was something she could almost physically feel, though, before she shook her head. It wasn’t as if it would do her any good even if she had her staff with her. Under this amount of vigilance and raw power, she wouldn’t even get one spell off before they took her down. She shook off the sense of doom that seemed to permeate the very air in this place, put on her brightest smile and went up to the next patrol, asking for the Knight-Captain who had made her sister the oh-so-well-paid offer earlier. 

Cullen had been deeply immersed in the report on his desk when a knock on his door pulled him out of his concentration. “Yes?” he called out, trying not to lose track of where he was on the document.

“There is a Serah Hawke here to speak to you, Knight-Captain,” came the muffled voice of one of the recruits on guard duty from the outside. Irritation went through him at the reason for the disturbance. He had enough to do as it was already, going over all the notes his predecessor left behind, trying to get a feel for how things were working in Kirkwall and not falling behind on his tasks in the first couple of days already. He had been so busy he hadn’t even gotten around to setting up his new home properly or even visit the local Chantry he passed by every morning now. His mood was anything but generous at the moment. 

“Tell her I don’t have time,” he called out again, not caring that she could probably hear the harshness in his voice. He didn’t know what it was exactly, but something about her had made him slightly uneasy, even though she had been a great help at the coast. 

“She is standing right next to me and insists,” the recruit called through the door again, and Cullen felt the irritation grow even stronger. 

“Fine, send her in then.” What in the world did she want? She had made her disdain of templars in general quite clear only a few hours ago, and he had no desire for a repeat performance. 

Cassia had started to feel slightly thrown off at the voice she heard through the door. It seemed very annoyed, slightly unfriendly and most of all, familiar. When the recruit opened the door for her, ushering her in before closing up behind her again Cassia gasped silently as she suddenly stood in front of none other than Cullen. 

Cullen. In full templar regalia. 

She swallowed, slowly realizing that he wasn’t even just any templar but the Knight-Captain. Frantically she tried to remember if he had said anything that could have given her a hint, but she came up with nothing. All he had said had been that he had come to Kirkwall for something work-related. And Cassia hadn’t asked, too enamored by the whole atmosphere of anonymity and casual flirting. She had already been cursing herself for not asking too many detailed questions when it had turned out that finding each other again a couple of days later had been much harder than anticipated. She had gone to the Red Sails again, looking for him but after a couple of tries with no luck she had given up after hearing from the owner that Cullen had packed up and left one day.

And now this. Of all the people in the city, she could have had a wild night of fun with, she had actually managed to pick the new Knight-Captain of Kirkwall? Adriene was going to murder her if she ever found out. She looked around, briefly calculating her chances of making a hasty exit before he managed to look up at her. 

“What do you want?” Cullen sighed impatiently. “Because if I remember correctly, you said something about never wanting to set foot in the Gallows ever again rather loudly and not that long ago.” With an impatient glare, he looked up from his documents at the intruder in his office only to be met with a pair of raised eyebrows that definitely did not belong to the woman he had met earlier that day. That instead were part of a face he had much fonder memories of. The surprise of seeing her in his office was quickly overruled by the joy of finding her again. After their night together, he had tried looking for her. They had loosely planned on meeting again, but his days at the Sails had been limited and he hadn’t found her again before it had been time to leave for the Gallows.

“I came here for a job offer, but now I get the feeling I have to apologize on behalf of my sister, Knight-Captain,” Cassia said in a slightly surprised voice.

Sister? His first thought was that he had probably never seen siblings look less alike than the two of them. They looked like complete opposites of each other. And from his first impression, they sounded like it, too. The woman in front of him was nothing short of charming, as he very well remembered, not a trace of the hostility her sister had shown him. 

“Didn’t you say your sister was really calm, a bit shy and very sweet?” he blurted out without giving it much thought, and Cassia blinked before getting what he meant.

“Oh, that was my sister Bethany I described. You met Adriene, my twin.”

“Your twin?” Cullen felt thrown for a loop. He took a closer look, trying to see see some family resemblance. Adriene Hawke had looked vaguely familiar to him but he hadn't been able to place the feeling at all, their differences stood out far more than the similarities. Where Adriene had looked tough, dark hair framing a freckled face with sharp eyes, Cassia seemed much softer somehow. If he looked carefully he could see that she that her slightly rounder face had almost the same freckles around her nose and on her cheeks as her sister, but on her darker skin they were far less visible. 

The biggest difference was definitely her hair though. Cassia’s hair had been something that had made her stand out the very first time he had seen her. Had been the reason he had noticed her in the first place. It was completely white, setting a stark contrast to both her darker skin and her sister’s appearance. But now that he knew about their relation and with Cassia directly in front of him he was slowly starting to see it. In the way Cassia held her head, in the sound of her voice, some of her facial features. It started to make sense.

Or not.

What were the odds actually, in a city as big as Kirkwall, he wondered? On the other hand, as unpleasant as her sister had been, he couldn’t be entirely mad about the events of the day if they led him to meet Cassia again. He had been planning to look her up at some point, but the constraints and the workload of his new job simply hadn’t given him the time yet.

Cassia was still going over everything she had heard about the job offer, and the Knight-Captain at that, from Fenris. It had not been much. Adriene hadn’t been willing to listen for very long, it seemed. Knowing what her sister thought of any templar, it didn’t surprise Cassia at all. On the contrary, she had been more surprised to hear Adriene had been willing to help out any templar in the first place. 

Cullen definitely looked different in the armor from how she remembered him. The dimly-lit tavern and the casual clothing had made him look much more carefree. The armor, on the other hand, gave him a much sterner look, more serious somehow. She gave him a careful once-over. In her head, her expectations, the Knight-Captain of a city as big as Kirkwall had been someone more seasoned. Looking more at home behind a desk. Cullen, despite the armor, still looked like he was around her age, maybe even the slightest bit younger. Like he should be out there, on the frontlines instead of in here, doing paperwork. He must have had a steep career to end in such a prestigious position at this part of his life already. 

“I must admit, I am slightly confused right now,” Cullen said slowly, still looking at her.

“You didn’t expect to actually see me again?” Cassia had put on her best, most pleasant smile for the occasion. If he hadn’t actually planned on following up on her she would be damned to let him know how she felt about that. 

“I had absolutely hoped and even planned to see you again,” he blew away her worries with a single sentence. “Just… definitely not under these circumstances. I was looking for you until I had to leave.” He gave her a kind smile and Cassia felt herself smiling back on instinct. Cullen seemed to remember something, giving her a curious look. “You said you came here for a job, the one I offered your charming sister, I assume?”

“Yes, indeed,” Cassia raised her eyebrows at his tone. “Why do you sound so skeptical all of a sudden?”

“Well, given that not long ago your sister told me, rather colorfully I might add, her stance on working for the templars or even considering it...” he trailed off, his voice sounding dry. 

Cassia nodded in understanding. “Adriene has very strong opinions on several subjects,” she said, trying to sound as diplomatic as she could. 

The way she phrased it made Cullen think that their differences most likely went beyond the physical appearance. Cassia definitely had a way with words. Not that he hadn’t noticed that before already, but the way she talked was another stark contrast to how much harsher her sister had sounded.

“And you don’t?” he asked, sounding skeptical. She laughed softly, and he couldn’t help but think that it was a rather pleasant sound.

“Oh, I do! They do not always coincide, however. Which is, incidentally, why I am here.” 

From her reaction, Cassia definitely had been as surprised to see him as he was to see her. Meaning, her reasons for coming here had absolutely nothing to do with him personally. “So you decided you want to help us, despite your sister feeling so strongly about the templars?” Cullen was still trying to make sense of the situation, the reaction of her sister had been too strong when he offered her the job. 

“To be quite honest, Knight-Captain,” Cassia said with a playful wink, ”helping you is more of a side benefit. I heard the pay is good and that working with the templars is quite reliable here. And now there is the added bonus of having found the tavern mystery man again.”

The way she had looked at him while saying his title, mirth in her eyes, and the way she had sounded definitely made him pause for a moment. 

When Cullen didn’t immediately say anything, Cassia got worried. Despite her personal feelings about what had already happened between them, she really had come here in the hopes of a rather decently paid job after all. A job she actually needed. Maybe openly flirting with the person she wanted something from wasn’t the best way to go about this? 

“You don’t believe me? Maker, what did Adriene say?” she asked, shaking her head. “No, don’t tell me, I can guess.” Adriene would have said the things she always said when it came to templars. Things she had told Cassia so many times she couldn’t even count them. Again, Cassia caught herself thinking that her sister would probably be more than just simply upset if she knew about any of this. Adriene would shout at her, telling her off for being unbelievably reckless.

And not without cause, Cassia knew. She was well aware that each minute she spent here, she was in danger. Looking at Cullen, the templar emblem stared right back at her from his metal chest plate. The smart thing for her to do would be to excuse herself, leave the Gallows and avoid him from now on. Not risk anything. She sighed. 

“Look, as I told you, we came here from Ferelden, fleeing from the Blight. We had to leave behind everything, start over completely here. If we ever want to get somewhere, hard work is the only way. So, there you have my motivation,” she tried her best to convince him to give her the job she came here for. Templar or not. When it came down to it, she had always been the most prone to taking risks in her family after all.

Cullen gave her a speculative look. She sounded absolutely honest, surprisingly open in her explanation and it fit with everything he already knew about her. Another complete opposite from her very guarded sister, it seemed. A sister who seemed to have been in a constant state of battle-ready. Cassia meanwhile looked… soft. Her braids had flowers in it and she was wearing a simple but very becoming dress as opposed to the more practical clothing she had worn when he first met her. Looking at her now, he could not imagine her taking on fights in back alleys if it came to it.

“I’m not sure if this job is right for you,” he started carefully, trying not to sound like he was worried about her. “You look… Not really like a mercenary if I have to be honest.”

Cassia smiled brightly, glancing down at herself for a moment. “I dress for the occasion,” she said with a hint of mischief in her voice. “I am here to get a job, not to pick fights with people after all.”

“A fair point,” Cullen relented. It wasn’t like everyone who could carry a weapon did so all the time. He had met her out of armor and unarmed after all. “I apologize for the assumption.”

“Oh, I’m not offended, don’t worry,” she said almost immediately before she gave him a calculating look. A hint of playfulness appeared on her face, and for a moment, Cullen felt like they were right back at the small table in the tavern, shooting each other playful looks accompanied by daring words. “On second thought, maybe I am,” she said slowly. “Terribly offended actually!” 

Cullen raised his eyebrows, wondering where she was going with this. “Terribly offended?”

“Yes. It’s awful, really.” Cassia did her best, putting on her most practiced expression of utter despair. But she couldn’t quite quell her own amusement as she spoke. “I fear, only a job offer might be able to smooth this over…”

Her playful gamble seemed to pay off, Cullen definitely looked amused by now. “Would it now? And if I were to leave you in this offended state?” His tone sounded teasing, sending a small shiver down her back.

“Then I would have to storm out of here in a huff and never talk to you again.” Cassia was delighted about his willingness to play along. She had expected someone stuffy when coming here after all. Someone she’d have to formally apologize to and who would probably give her a dry talk about appropriate behavior towards authority in regards to her family. This was the opposite. With all its complexities that came with their earlier meeting, it was still something she could work with. Briefly she thought that it was definitely a terrible idea to keep flirting with him, now that she knew who he was. She brushed the thought aside as quickly as it had come up. Right now, it clearly was an advantage that he already liked her. She gave him a coy look. “That would be such a shame really, you are, after all, so much fun to talk to.”

“I am fun to talk to?” He gave her a knowing smile that seemed fully aware of her deliberate understatement.

“Don’t let it flatter you too much,” Cassia assured him, “The last person I worked for was so incredibly drunk he could barely even sit upright. Second time I met them, they fell asleep while paying me. And the person before that didn’t even show.” She gave him a playful wink. “The bar for decent conversation is remarkably low these days.”

Cullen couldn’t help himself but laugh quietly. This was absolutely not how he had imagined meeting Cassia again. Not even close. His thoughts had been much closer to finding her place, showing up with a gift perhaps, then asking her to dine with him. Nothing about work at all. But to his surprise, he still found it utterly delightful. “Glad to see I place above the inebriated and the unconscious,” he said dryly but not bothering to hide his amusement anymore. “But what would I lose out on really?”

There was a glint in her eyes that made them almost sparkle. “Why, my remarkable problem-solving skills of course. There is a reason there is much less work in Lowtown since I got here after all. And I’ll have you know that I am also fun to talk to.”

She was definitely right about that, but nonetheless, he gave her a most skeptical look, enjoying her small huff in obviously fake indignation.

“I am a delightful conversationalist!” she insisted. “And you have been smiling for the past few minutes when earlier you looked like you ate a shipload of citrus just before I got here.”

This time he had to laugh out loud. “Indeed you are,” he agreed. Cullen briefly wondered when he had ever laughed out loud while being in his office. The answer was a plain and simple _never_. And the last time he had been enjoying a conversation this much had actually been a certain night a while ago, in a certain harbor tavern. 

“Alright, we can give this a try.” He took a small pile of papers and letters he had put together for this job and handed it over to her.  
“Here is all the information you need, I expect you can find your way around the notes.” She was already flipping through the letters he gave her, looking a bit more serious. “There is a certain level of discretion advised,” Cullen added almost as an afterthought.

“I see, of course,” Cassia murmured as she went over the names and dates, starting to see why they would hire a mercenary for this. “None of these people would talk to a templar.”

“Or any authority even,” Cullen added. “That’s why we need outside help for this.”

Cassia folded the papers carefully, putting them away into her pockets. “Luckily, I am as far away from being an authority as you can probably find in this city,” she gave him another bright smile. “I am definitely the woman you need. For this job, I mean. I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Now that I know where to find you.” 

She sent him another playful wink and with a pleasant good-bye, she went on her way, leaving the Gallows behind again, feeling considerably less anxious about the place than she had when first coming here. It still was a place she wouldn’t want to set foot in voluntarily, but she had gotten what she came for. It had been easier and far more pleasant than anticipated. She had already sort of given up on seeing Cullen again. He had told her he would have to settle into a new workplace and they hadn’t managed to meet again before he had to do so. It wasn’t as if she had been expecting him to show up at her doorstep. But it was nonetheless more than satisfying to hear that he had definitely been planning to look for her again.

Now, she only had to get this thing done as quietly and as quickly as possible. Not only would she be the one to see him again sooner rather than later, but it would also benefit her family and their expedition funds. And who knew, job-wise perhaps this could open a door for more well-paid work in the future.

The task was surprisingly simple for her. Cassia could see why a templar would not have gotten most of the relevant information from any of the people she talked to. After a while, she was almost glad that Adriene had turned the offer down. As much as she loved her sister, she could imagine that Adriene’s approach to this would have had the potential for more than one altercation. Cassia had always preferred to talk herself out of any situation if needed, and she knew she was good at getting people to see things her way, even the ones that needed a bit more convincing. _‘Why pull out a weapon when a well-placed compliment or a vague hint of a promise could do the trick’_ had always been more her style. 

Normally, she and Adriene complemented each other perfectly in that regard. Cassia managed to stop most situations from escalating, while Adriene was always ready and never missed a beat in situations where that simply wasn’t possible. It felt almost wrong now for Cassia to do this on her own, fully aware that she didn’t have a very well thought-through backup plan if things didn’t work out the way she wanted them to. But it seemed she was lucky this day, managing to get everything she needed without any major incidents. Well, almost without. 

It was dark already but still busy on the streets when she was done. She made her way back to the Gallows, this time finding her way to the Knight-Captain’s office almost directly.

“Good evening, Knight-Captain,” she greeted cheerfully. He seemed as surprised as he had been this morning to see her again.

“Cassia. Back already?” Cullen had not expected her back this day. Nor the next one if he was honest. Not with the amount of information he had sent her out to find, yet here she was, in his office again. Not that that wasn’t a nice way to end his day.

“Yes, here is all the information I could find.” She handed him a stack of notes and he gave it a quick once over. 

“Impressive. And you did all this in a day?” He flipped through page after page that she had filled to the brim with information. On first glance, it looked like she had done a very thorough job. He couldn’t help but be impressed.

“One of the notes sounded rather urgent,” she said with a shrug. “And as I said earlier, I am good at talking to people.” 

“It was urgent. I thank you,” Cullen agreed, putting the papers aside to work through their content tomorrow. He took in her appearance. She looked different. Her hair was in a bun, and while she was still wearing a dress, it seemed to be a different one than before. “And I see you even had time to dress for the occasion again.”

Cassia looked down for a moment confused before she smiled at him. “Naturally.” She grinned. “But that was more of a necessity this time. Two hours of walking around town and my clothes still hadn’t dried.” 

Cullen felt his eyebrows rise. “Dried? What happened?”

She held up a hand as she assured him, “Nothing relevant to the investigation, don’t worry.”

Cullen couldn’t help giving her a skeptical look. A look that sent her into a small bout of laughter.

“I’m telling the truth,” she said between laughs. “It’s… you’re gonna laugh, but there were some very angry ducks. And a pond.” His eyes widened. “And perhaps a person you may or may not have hired for her skills, who had a slight issue of paying attention.” She shook her head, giving him a pointed look. “It was not a very graceful event, let’s just keep it at that.”

Cullen hadn’t been certain what to expect from any of this, but her little story definitely hadn’t been it. He tried his best to not laugh out too loudly, but his efforts were in vain. “Something you couldn't talk yourself out of it seems,” he couldn’t stop himself from teasing her.

“Obviously not,” she said dryly. “And now you are laughing at me!” Cassia sighed. “I should have left it at the change of clothes. Kept some of the mystery.”

Cullen shook his head, forcing his laughter to calm down. “I have a feeling there is plenty of mystery left with you, Cassia.”

“I hate to disappoint you,” Cassia grinned, the lighthearted atmosphere making it all too easy to forget that she wasn’t just talking to a handsome stranger, but to a templar. This was only their third meeting, yet she felt oddly peaceful in his presence. She knew she should probably worry more about feeling like that around someone who would most likely lock her up and throw away the key as soon as they found out about her, but it was hard to think of anything negative when she had Cullen laughing in front of her. 

Another thought kept popping up. If she played her cards right, she might be well on her way to find an in with the templars here. For more well-paid work and who knew, maybe to even have an ear on what was happening around the order. More information could always be useful in keeping herself and Bethany safe, after all. Adriene would probably still throw a fit if she caught wind about any of this, but Cassia could try to deal with that later, make her see the advantages. “No mystery at all,” she said, giving him an open and honest look. “I am an open book.”

Cullen still seemed amused, but there was a hint of something she couldn’t place in his voice as he answered. “In my experience, people who say this usually aren’t. Not really.”

The conversation was still light-hearted, but there was something underneath that was almost intriguing to Cassia as she smiled. “I see I have to change tactics then.”

Cullen didn’t answer immediately, giving her a strange look. Was there tension in the air or was she imagining it? She was still deliberating when he broke the silence, changing the topic rather obviously.

“I may have a follow-up job for you, depending on where this leads. Maybe come back in a couple of days?” he said, sounding a bit more formal again. His voice had lost some of the lightness from earlier but his eyes… His eyes seemed to look almost right through her. _‘Be careful Cassia’_ , said her inner voice that sounded, not surprisingly, a lot like her sister. _‘Don’t underestimate this one just because he has a nice smile.’_ She decided to play it safe for now. He was obviously still interested in her and she felt her own stomach flutter every time she thought back to their first meeting. Perhaps she should just play this slowly, see where it would go. 

“I appreciate the offer, Cullen,” she answered, smiling gratefully. “I guess I’ll see you in a few days then?” She was about to wish him good night when Cullen suddenly moved. He stepped around his desk until he was directly in front of her. All Cassia could think for a moment was how effortless he still seemed to move, even while wearing a full plate armor. An arm around her waist pulled her closer until she could feel the metal against her chest. For a second, she stared at the emblem right in front of her face. Templar. She was in the arms of a templar. Cassia swallowed. This should not be happening. She should be afraid, fearful, disgusted. Not shivering in thinly veiled excitement. She looked up at his face, her eyes wide as she tried to calm her own feelings that seemed to be all over the place at that moment.

Cullen looked at her, a hint of worry in his eyes. He seemed ready to draw back again at any moment as he searched her face. His own look was so very warm that Cassia couldn’t help herself but smile again. Her smile seemed to have been the thing that he had been looking for, the confirmation he needed to know that his advances were still wanted, and a moment later he dipped his head down and kissed her. Unhurried, gentle, but with an underlying warmth, a promise even. Cassia felt almost a bit lightheaded when he finally drew back again.

“I look forward to it,” he said, his voice sounding slightly raspy as he let go of her again. Cassia could do little but nod, and wishing him a good night almost absent-mindedly, as she left his office.

Outside, the colder air hit her overheated face and she felt her heart race in her chest as she realized what had just happened. She had just been kissed by the Knight-Captain of Kirkwall. In his office, right next to the Circle. The Circle she would be in if she hadn’t been hiding all her life, lying to everyone about what she actually was. Their first encounter could have been counted as a mistake. After all, Cassia hadn’t known who he was at that point.

But this?

This was something else. She had felt the templar armor press slightly into her as he had leaned down, had felt the metal under her hands as he kissed her, had been acutely aware who was kissing her the entire time. And worst of all?

She had liked it.

Cassia knew herself well enough. Knew that all the _‘you really should get away from this situation’_ reasons she could tell herself would fall on deaf ears. She was seriously screwed.


	5. Maybe We’ll Get There Someday

Cassia’s feelings about having gotten an in with the templars seemed to have been justified. Over the past weeks, she had gotten more and more work from them. Mainly from Cullen, but there had been the occasional job for other members of the order as well. She was building a reputation for being a reliable help, and the money was definitely better than many jobs she had done before. It was worth the occasional argument with Adriene. Cassia could see her sister’s point, even understand it, but when she came home after being paid, not even Adriene could really argue with the results. Their funds for the expedition were growing day by day. 

And if Cassia was honest with herself, part of her was enjoying this far more than she probably should. When Adriene accused her of being reckless in the face of danger by actively seeking out templars in her situation, her sister wasn’t wrong. But her sister didn’t know just how well acquainted Cassia had gotten with the new Knight-Captain before she had even started to go to the templars for work and Cassia wasn’t about to tell her that little detail.

Of course, she had told Adriene about the handsome stranger she had met in the Red Sails but after having found out who he was, she had not mentioned him to her sister again. It would only lead to more arguments between them. Especially since after the first night, even though he had kissed her again several times and they had almost constantly been flirting with each other, nothing more had happened so far. Not necessarily because Cassia didn’t want something to happen, nor did she doubt Cullen’s general interest in her. There simply hadn't been much time or opportunity. He was still getting used to his new job, his new position in the order, and Cassia was more than busy working as much as she could to help finance the Deep Roads expedition. The fact that she was a mage and he the Knight-Captain served as an additional barrier. With someone less risky, less dangerous to her, Cassia would maybe have been a little more forward. Pushed herself more to go after what she wanted.

With them both being so busy, it was almost a blessing that she had a good excuse to not get overly involved. All those thoughts, those deliberations didn’t stop her from looking forward to their little conversations that ended in the occasional kisses against his office door or even his desk whenever he had another thing to do for her. They never spent much time together and it never went any further than that, but she always left with a smile.

Her work for the templars was not received all that well among her friends, though. Fenris seemed to understand her motivation, even though he had implored her to be careful as well. Anders on the other hand… Cassia was already used to the two of them not seeing eye to eye on many things. It had started early when she had assured Merrill that she would be her friend regardless of what kind of magic the elf used, and had only gotten worse the more often Cassia had worked on an errand for the templars. She had tried to explain her reasoning to him, but he hadn’t been very receptive. 

Why he had accompanied her to another one of those missions she wasn’t even entirely sure. When everything went rather well and both her and Anders actually agreed on how to handle the situation, she was pleasantly surprised. A spark of hope that they would finally find some common ground rose up in her, only to be shattered on their way back. There had been a palpable tension their entire way back, but it hadn't been until a thoughtless comment much later in the Hanged Man that Anders had almost exploded. Seeing the curious eyes of the other patrons, she had gotten up, pulling him along with her into Varric’s more private room, leaving their friends behind.

Isabela sat down next to Adriene with a large tankard of ale in her hands after seeing both Anders and Cassia leave. “Are they fighting again?” With a nod of her head, she indicated towards the now closed door a few feet away through which they could easily hear some muffled shouting.

Fenris just lifted an eyebrow and took another swig of his drink as if he deemed the question unworthy of an answer.

Adriene meanwhile had no such qualms. “What gave it away? The fact that she dragged him off almost kicking, or the headache-inducing shouting match that has been going on since the door closed?”

Aveline was looking from her food towards the door with a resigned expression. “Maybe I should go in there and break them up,” she suggested. 

“Nah, leave them,” Isabela put the tankard down to steal a potato from Aveline’s plate. “It’s how they communicate. Like friendship building, but for tightly strung people. It’s what happens when someone who is almost naively idealistic meets someone who is ruthlessly pragmatic.” 

Varric chuckled next to her.

“Hey!” sounded Carver’s slightly insulted voice. “Our sister is not tightly strung! Or ruthlessly pragmatic!” Nearly everyone at the table shot him a look that made him almost flinch with how patronizing it was.

“Were you not right there with us when she dealt with the Quartermaster in the harbor earlier?” Isabela shook her head. As much as Carver sometimes seemed to live for antagonizing his older siblings, he was always the first one to tell people off if anyone dared to say a bad word about them. Their circle of friends included.

Adriene just shrugged with an apologetic look on her face. “I hate to side against family here, but this morning, before they went on their way, she threw a box of bandages at Anders’ head to get his attention instead of just saying hello like a normal person.” She couldn’t suppress a small grin at that. Anders’ spluttering indignation had been funny to watch after all. “She knows she antagonizes him, and I think she does it for fun sometimes.”

“I hate to break it to you, kid,” Varric’s spoke in his usual mix of joking and patronizing that seemed to be exclusively reserved for dealing with Carver, “but your sister has a way of getting under people’s skin. And she is not afraid to use it. Or to have fun with it in some cases.”

Carver sank back into his chair, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like “No one actually asked you!”

A few meters over, behind a not very sound-absorbent door, the mood was much less light-hearted than at the table.

“I really don’t know what else you want me to say.” Cassia was pacing up and down, too riled to even think about sitting down somewhere. They had yelled at each other enough times before, and this was shaping up to be no different. And about the same topic that always got them up in arms.

“What I want you to say is _‘Hm, good point, Anders, I should consider this because you may be right and I have been behaving like a selfish ass for the longest time’_ ,” was the reply she got. Anders was beyond furious at this point. How in Thedas Cassia could not understand his view was beyond him.

“In your dreams!” Cassia snarled at him. They had been arguing about whether her decision to convince the Starkhaven mages to turn themselves in was the right one or not for the better part of the way back already. It didn’t lessen the intensity of their current argument in the least. She was getting frustrated, no longer caring if it showed. “I honestly don’t know what else to say, and damn it, you actually agreed with me in the cave!”

“Of course I damn well agreed with you, they were using blood magic!” Anders was close to yelling again as he threw his arms up in frustration. “ _Blood magic_ , Cassia. Remember? That thing the templars keep accusing us of to justify all their actions?” He suddenly stopped his pacing, the ensuing look he gave her was almost vicious. “Oh wait, I forgot, you actually listen to them nowadays...”

Cassia angrily pushed the chair she was standing next to away from her, making it loudly clash against the wall. “I am trying to be diplomatic and reasonable here,” she hissed at him. A hollow laugh was the reply.

“Diplomatic? You?” Anders sounded almost venomous. “Is that what you call your thing where you let them use you to do their dirty work for them? At least Adriene had some sense there.” 

“Adriene wouldn't even talk to anyone in the Gallows.” Cassia shook her head. How could he not see how she was trying to help? 

“As I was saying, she has some sense!” He gave her a challenging look, and Cassia felt the urge to jump into his face. 

“And how is this helping? Is that your new strategy in your mage rights campaign, simply ignore the templars until they go away? We can’t avoid them, so I am doing what I can to…”

“To do what?” Anders interrupted her. “Make nice with them? You think you can just curry favor from them? Befriend them? You think if you keep up those chats you have with the Knight-Captain long enough he’ll do what? Let his guard down and not immediately kill you when they find out who you are?” It was clear that he was not really expecting an answer, but the suddenly uncomfortable look on Cassia’s face gave him one nonetheless.

Anders’ jaw went slack with shock, his voice quiet as he spoke, “By the Maker, that is exactly what you are doing, isn’t it?” When Cassia said nothing, his voice rose again. “Are you actually insane? Do you have any idea how dangerous this is?”

It was a good thing that the room was large enough to give them some space. If they had been any closer she would have had a harder time to not actually physically lash out at him at this moment.

“Who are you to question what I do in this regard?" she hissed. “How much danger I put myself in? _You_ , who works with smugglers and actual criminals, who works in some sort of underground, who has a damn clinic in the roughest part of town. You don’t get to lecture me about risks.” Her head was full of more things to say, to throw at him, hurtful accusations and bitter insults. But one thing needed to be said more than most. 

“But apart from all of this,  _you agreed with me!_ ” Frustration filled the air between them. “You agreed that we can’t let them go. And we didn’t, we did what _we,_  you, me and Isabela, discussed beforehand and agreed upon.” None of them had liked their options, but Cassia had been certain that all of them had been on the same page. Until Anders had snapped at her on their way back and this seemingly forever ongoing fight had started. 

Anders made a noise that could have only been described as a growl in frustration. “It’s not what we did that got me this upset.” At Cassia’s confused look, he seemed to become even angrier. “It’s what you said when we discussed it.”

Mentally, she went over the events of the afternoon again as quickly as she could. What had she said that provoked this reaction? A look of realization appeared on her face when she remembered how she declined the mages’ offer to ambush the templars. “So you are upset not because I didn’t want to attack the templars but because of _the way_ I said it?” 

“What? Me, a mage, upset about you, another mage, saying that they would never consider going against a templar?” Anders gestured mockingly at her. “What gave you the idea that that could be upsetting? You know what the templars can do. You know _exactly_. You are hiding from them, too!” Accusation and betrayal bled together in his voice. “So to hear you say you wouldn’t even consider it, not for anyone? Damn right, I am angry,” he said, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “I help you out as best as I can when I am not down in the clinic, and you made it pretty clear that you don’t have my back out there.”

If Cassia were in a calmer state of mind she would have noticed the hint of sadness as he said that. “I don’t have your back?” She looked at him as if he had lost his mind. “I don’t have your back?!” Her yelling almost turned into screaming. “Do you have any idea how many nights I spent out in this damn city with my sister or with Carver to make sure no patrol comes even near your clinic? Or Merrill’s home? How many times one of us delivered bribes and did favors for people?” Her breath hitched in anger. “How often Varric and I sit together to map all this out so that Adriene can go out and make sure no one in this stupid city touches our friends?”

Anders visibly deflated in front of her. “You what?” he said softly.

But Cassia wasn’t done yet, not even hearing him as she went on. “Do you have any idea what I have to do day in and day out? I have to provide for my family, make sure they can eat in that rathole we live in, and then make sure my mother actually does eat and doesn’t starve herself to death out of grief for my father and our lost home!” She drew in a deep breath. “And I have to stop Carver from doing something stupid because after a year he is still so upset about feeling helpless he takes stupid risks all the time to prove himself.” Anders tried to interrupt her but she was having none of it. “Adriene is overworking herself, and I have to make sure she gets some rest because she insists on trying to do everything on her own, and Bethany needs to continue learning how to deal with her magic and there is no one else but me left to teach her. Me. Possibly the worst teacher she could get when it comes to magic. They are my family and I am responsible. And now you all are part of this, too, and I would never stop trying to help, but even I have limits.” She sighed in frustration. “I don’t expect someone who doesn’t have a family to understand.”

Anders almost recoiled as if she had slapped him. She realized a second too late what she had actually said, how it had sounded. “No, Anders, that’s not how I meant this.” She cursed at herself silently. Then she did it again out loud.

“I get it,” Anders said tonelessly. “And you are right in that regard, I couldn’t possibly understand how it is to have a family. And you know very well who made sure of that.” He looked as miserable as she felt at that moment and Cassia stared at her own hands, trying to avoid looking into his eyes. 

“I need to go on this expedition, Anders. I need to make sure they are taken care of. And I cannot afford offending the wrong people. Not even a little.” She didn’t yell or scream anymore as she went to pick the pushed chair up and sank down on it. “They are all I have left, and if I antagonize the templars, who will take care of them?” The question that wasn’t really an actual question hung in the room, unanswered.

At the other side of the room, Anders sank down to sit on the floor against the far wall. “Look, I may not know how it is to have a family, but I get the part of wanting to, no, _needing_ to protect someone that depends on you.” His voice had calmed down considerably.

Cassia gave him a solemn nod. “I am sorry I can’t help you more. Believe me,” she pleaded. “I agree with you on more things than you think. But this thing you are doing? Rallying people, working in some sort of underground, I just can’t help you with that.” She tried to find his eyes but he seemed to deliberately look past her. “You know, Justice actually told me a while ago that unless I am willing to do what is necessary, I would be a rather useless ally.” Anders looked up sharply at those words. “But I am offering anyways. If there is something I can do that doesn’t get my family into danger, I will, please know that.”

He met her eyes for the first time since their shouting match had started, the anger from their fight all but gone. “I appreciate it, but there are things I am doing that knowing about alone would probably get you in danger.” He sighed and his voice sounded oddly hollow. “Justice may have had a point there. But thank you for offering. I promise I will not ask anything more of you.” A sad smile on his face as he looked at her.

“Why are you smiling like that?" Cassia couldn’t help but ask, her curiosity winning out.

Anders shook his head to himself as he got up from his spot on the floor. “I was just thinking. Had we met at another point in my life, I think we could have probably been friends.” He didn’t see the brief flash of emotion on Cassia’s face as she stood and turned around, letting it pass before a mask of indifference was back on her face. Despite their constant arguing, she had been considering him a friend for a while, and the fact that he didn’t seem to feel the same way did sting more than she thought it would.

“Well, who knows,” Cassia tried her best to sound as non-committal as she could while she walked towards the door. “Maybe we’ll get there someday.”


	6. Raising the Stakes

"Alright, your turn," Isabela said, filling their glasses again. Adriene chuckled and shook her head but she didn't protest. She had lost track of time hours ago and they were both more than a bit drunk, lounging in a corner of Isabela's room in the Hanged Man. When had the rest left? Hadn't Varric been there? And Cassia? Carver? Ah, didn't matter. She quite enjoyed the alone-time with the pirate, her legs sprawled across Isabela's lap. She didn't quite remember when they had gotten so close and touchy, but she really wasn't one to argue. Really not.

Isabela downed her glass and filled it again. Her headscarf had come off some time before and her beautiful black locks fell freely across her shoulders.

"Has anybody told you you're incredibly beautiful?" Adriene smiled and Isabela laughed heartily.

"All the time. Get in line, Hawke."

Adriene grinned. "I am."

"Good." Isabela grinned back and refilled Adriene's glass. "Right. My question. First time you had sex. Shoot."

"Oh, nice one." Adriene stretched back and looked thoughtfully at the ceiling, a smile playing in her corner. "By the Maker he was beautiful. An elven boy, Dalish, of a clan that came through Lothering every few years to trade with us. He had skin the color of bronze, light blue markings on his face, unruly brown hair that fell over his shoulders, green eyes and a body that could make you weep with joy."

"Should I be jealous?" Isabela asked with mirth dancing in her voice. Adriene looked up at her. Maybe it was the candlelight dancing on her skin that made it look so soft and delicious, her golden eyes even more luminous than normal. Her locks framing her face, making her look soft and her lush lips smiling mischievously. Adriene swallowed as her stomach made a slow roll that had nothing to do with the alcohol and shook her head.

"Don't you dare. Ever."

Isabela laughed softly and raised her glass to Adriene, indicating to continue.

"Where was I? Ah. His name was Daerion and he was two or three years older than I. Dad had taken Bethany and Cassia to some whatever remote place to train, I don't remember where, and so Carver and I actually had some time to ourselves. I remember seeing him and thinking that I'd never seen someone so beautiful in my entire life. Everybody was swooning over him, head over heels, and of course, all the girls and some boys in the town made advances. You know the stuff, batting their eyelids, rolling a lock of hair around their finger, giving him small gifts and sweet words and of course none of it was working. I was 17 at the time, maybe 18.”

"Huh."

"What?"

"I'd have thought you were over boys and girls earlier."

Adriene shrugged. "Yeah, well, I may have been infatuated once or twice before, but when you're trying to keep everybody at arm's length because you're hiding three mages in plain sight, it's hard to get close to someone."

Isabela nodded and Adriene continued, "Well, I really wanted to get to know him. Maybe part of it was to just piss off the other contestants but honestly, I was just as head over heels as everybody else. I decided I'd need another approach than sweet flirting, so I challenged him to target practice with daggers. To my surprise, he accepted and we slipped away behind a shack outside the village. And somehow it turned into a strip challenge and well - it ended in the haystacks. He made it beautiful. Incredible kisser. We got together a few times more before the clan moved on and I never saw him again. Mourned him for months." A wistful smile played around the corners of her mouth as she remembered that day in the sun, the way his hands had awoken parts of her body she hadn't known could be awake.

"What about women?"

Adriene grinned. "Oh, I seduced the daughter of a templar to get information on her mother, to see what she knew about our family. Nobody suspected anything, it turned out, and we had a good time, although I always suspected I kind of was the reason for her running away. She had been one of those incredibly nice and well-behaved girls, you know. Those you never expect to be wild. Turned out she was pretty wild once kissed."

Isabela laughed with a wicked look about her. "I can imagine."

Adriene looked at her and warmth spread through her as she settled deeper into the cushion. She knew that this, all of this, was a game to Isabela. Everything was a game. Sex, friendship, adventure, danger - all of it. The flirting and insinuations, the touches that occurred when Adriene wasn't expecting them. Standing a bit too close, looking a bit too long. And Adriene loved every single bit of it.

She loved the playfulness, the laughter that always seemed to dance in Isabela's eyes. Isabela had once told her that she liked her because she didn't judge people - but that was also true the other way round. Isabela never demanded anything, never put her on the spot, never forced her onto the defensive. Where Fenris always fought her and everybody everywhere seemed to expect some kind of expertise from her or decisions and thoughtfulness, Isabela just had her back, no judgement, no expectations. And there was no commitment required, no promises. Just the moment. She rarely felt so at ease with herself as when she was with Isabela.

Isabela returned her look, the laughter still dancing in her eyes and the light of the candles got caught in her dark locks and golden earrings and Adriene felt warm and safe. And immensely attracted to her.

"I really want to kiss you right now."

The words were out before she could stop them and suddenly her heart went amok. Isabela's laughter slowly died, but the look she gave Adriene wasn't the one she half expected.

"Ah, Hawke," she said softly with a slow smile and reached for Adriene's face, her fingers slowly tracing her cheek, trailing over her lips and over her neck, leaving a tingling sensation all over her. Adriene didn't move and didn't take her eyes off Isabela. The flutter in her stomach was getting more pronounced and she could feel her heart beating in her throat.

"Adriene. I'm not one for relationships, you know. Ships, yes, relationships - not so much. And definitely not one for exclusivity."

Her fingers lingered at Adriene's throat, just slightly beneath the hem of her tunic. It drove Adriene nuts but she forced herself to shrug nonchalantly.

"Me neither, don't worry. I don't do relationships. Ever."

Isabela's eyebrows shot up and she looked at her quizzically. "Really? I've always figured you to be a family person."

Adriene shrugged again, avoiding Isabela's gaze. Something of the tension between them vanished. "Family, yes. Relationships? Nah. Tried that, didn't work, done with it."

Isabela's fingers disappeared and she nearly pouted, but a line had appeared between Isabela's eyebrows. "Why? What happened?"

Her eyes wouldn't let her go, as if she saw beneath the shell Adriene had carefully smoothed over that memory, as if she sensed something was wrong. Adriene clucked her tongue and pushed herself into a sitting position, shrugging again. The mood was gone, the moment over.

"It's just - listen, just let it go, okay? It's like your marriage, not a happy memory. Nothing that will happen to me again."

She stood up while she spoke and instantly sat down again as the world surged from the alcohol rushing to her head. "Whoa," she made, blinking rapidly.

Suddenly, she felt a hand on her cheek, turning her towards Isabela and before she even realized what was going on, the pirate was kissing her. It wasn't the passionate, overwhelming surge of lust she had expected from their first kiss but rather a slow, intense intimacy that wasn't in the least easier to handle. Her heart seemed to stop working and she didn't move for an endless moment as Isabela's lips brushed over hers, slowly, carefully, tenderly. Isabela's lips were softer than she had ever imagined, yielding beneath hers but never surrendering. Adriene's breath caught in her throat as Isabela edged closer, her eyes half-closed with a seductive, playful twinkle beneath her long lashes as her tongue flickered between Adriene's lips, and finally, she could move again. With a small moan, she wrapped her arms around Isabela, one hand buried in her rich locks as she deepened the kiss. Isabela answered in kind and Adriene felt like melting right then and there as their bodies pressed against each other, heat building. 

Then she was gone, with a playful nip on her lower lip. Adriene gasped as Isabela broke off the kiss, unwilling to open her eyes for a long moment. A slow, seductive snicker finally made her look at Isabela again. 

"Roaring seas, Hawke, you're something," the pirate said and her voice seemed deeper than normal. She still held her and now a long, slender finger carefully brushed a strand of hair out of Adriene’s face. Adriene laughed breathlessly, her heart still pounding in her chest.

"I haven't even begun."

"Then I'm looking forward to discovering what you'll be when you've begun," Isabela purred and winked. Adriene sighed dreamingly and let go of her. A part of her was disappointed, but another was actually delighted about the interruption. Isabela's eyes told her exactly what this was: A game, playful, light, fun.

"That was mean," Adriene chastised her friend who only laughed and winked at her.

"Just raising the stakes, Hawke."

As Adriene stumbled towards home a little while later, she was still feeling like she was drowning or flying or both. She tried to be quiet as she came into the tiny home they shared with Gamlen, but in her current state of drunkenness - both on alcohol and Isabela - it proved to be difficult. Still, she might have managed to make it without waking anybody if Cassia hadn't fallen asleep in the main room, with her head on some letters. For nearly four months now, they had been trying to get enough missions to be able to invest in Bartrand's expedition in the hopes of finding enough treasures of some kind to get their mother out of Lowtown. Or if not out of Lowtown, into their own home at least.

Cassia gave a start as Adriene closed the door and woke up.

"Sorry, Cass," Adriene whispered and couldn't suppress a small giggle as she saw the parchment that still stuck to her twin's cheek. Cassia wiped it away with an annoyed gesture and blinked towards Adriene who lit a single candle.

"Hey. How late it is?"

Adriene shrugged and pulled off her boots, patting King Barkistair the Third on the head who knocked her tail on the ground without bothering to get up. "Some time before dawn, I think."

Cassia yawned and stretched. "Were you with Isabela until now?"

Adriene couldn't help a dreamy sigh and grinned as she unfastened her coat and put her weapons away. "Yeah, I was. It was… nice. I like her."

"Mhm."

Despite her obvious tiredness, Cassia grinned at her sister. Adriene put her tongue out and busied herself with loosening her braid.

"Nah, not like that. She's made it perfectly clear that that's not something for her. Fine with me."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Because you don't do relationships. Ever." Cassia rolled her eyes and Adriene shrugged, but before she could answer, a loud knock from the next room stilled her.

"Some people are trying to sleep in this house, you know!" Gamlen's annoyance was clearly audible in his voice. This time, Adriene rolled her eyes and Cassia called a muted, "Sorry,” before they both made their way to the cots in a corner of the room where they had their beds.

As they settled down, Cassia pulled a face. "Ugh. You smell like someone washed you in alcohol. The bad kind."

Adriene looked at her apologetically but couldn't hide the amusement in her eyes before she blew out the candle. "Sorry. Worth it though."

It turned out to be one of the last relaxed evenings for a while. The following weeks, Adriene had barely time for more than a few hours in the Hanged Man, if at all. 

Not that she wanted to complain - a lot of jobs meant money. And Bartrand had started to get impatient, so every bit helped getting them closer to the Deep Roads and putting Bartrand off.

Today, she had not even bothered going into the Hanged Man. She tiredly rubbed her fingers over her eyes and took another sip of water before she returned to the pages lying before her. The candle had nearly burned down and flickered in the stale night air. Bethany and her mother had gone to bed quite some time ago, Gamlen was somewhere 'on business' (which meant 'in the Blooming Rose’), and both Cassia and Carver were still on a mission. Adriene hadn't meant to stay up this late either, but after she had started going through the papers and several coin bags she had hidden from Gamlen, time had flown by without her realizing it.

She yawned and stretched before she went back to the calculations before her, going through it one last time. King Barkistair the Third snored somewhere behind her. She looked up when the door creaked slightly and Carver came in, bringing with him a breath of fresh, cold air from outside.

"Hey little one."

Carver was obviously too tired to even shoot her one of the annoyed looks the endearment normally earned her. "Hey sis. How come you're still up?"

"Just going through our finances. Varric said something about time running short, so I wanted to see how much we still lack."

Carver pulled off his cloak and broadsword, putting them thoroughly away before casually pulling off his boots and throwing them into a corner. Adriene just shook her head at him and looked down at the papers again, striking off one or two numbers and adding another. She heard him quietly rummaging in the other rooms and getting something from the kitchen before he came over to her, looking over the calculations she did.

"Doesn't look that bad," he said and she nodded, yawning again.

"Yeah. I had to calculate for that new coat mom needs, but we're close."

"Will that help?" Carver took a small pouch from his belt and put it on the table. Adriene looked up at him with surprise and carefully opened it. As she saw the coins within, she gasped.

"Carver!" she exclaimed softly, emptying it on the table and quickly counting, "that's nearly five sovereigns! Where did you get that?"

He shrugged but she could see that he was somewhat uneasy.

"Job for Meeran,” he finally mumbled.

Adriene threw him a sharp look. "I will never understand how you can stand to work for that bloodthirsty ass," she said. Carver bristled at that.

"It's not like we have much choice here," he snapped. "I mean, do we want to join that expedition or not!" It wasn't really a question. For a second, Adriene was tempted to snap back at him, then she sighed and sank back into her chair.

"You're right. We really need to get mother out of this hole," she murmured. She gathered the coins back into the pouch and added it to the others she had put on the table. "Alright, so with your four eighty-seven, the two from Athenril's last job, Cassia's three fifty and Bethany's sales, we're up to… fifty-two. Fifty-two!"

"We did it!" Carver stared at the paper, then he grinned at his sister. "We actually did it!"

Adriene grinned back, relief flooding through her. She actually had had her doubts whether they would manage to gather that kind of coin in a somewhat timely manner and if they would make it for Bartrand's expedition at all. Now, they had a real chance of making enough money to set them up in their own house and get out of Gamlen's hair - figuratively and literally. That man was a mess in the bathroom.

“Alright, now we have some serious planning to do. While I'm gone, you need to take care of mom, Bethany and Cassia and-"

"Whoa, wait," Carver interrupted her with a scowl. "Who says you're going on that expedition alone?"

Adriene shook her head. "Nobody said anything about alone. I had planned on asking Anders and Merrill if they would like to join me. Anders knows the Deep Roads and Merrill could use some time away from everything here. It would do her good." 

Carver crossed his arms and his mouth set in a stubborn line. "Well, how about no. I know for a fact that Cassia plans to go on that expedition. There's a reason she's been studying that Deep Roads maps with Anders for weeks now. She has more or less memorized them."

Adriene groaned. "Damn, you're right. Of course she has." She rubbed her hand over her face. She knew Cassia well enough to know she would not let something like that go, not without a huge fight. And if she was honest, it might not be a bad idea. Cassia was the one with the cooler head of the two of them and definitely dealt better with being underground while she always felt trapped and uneasy. Also, she would be away from Kirkwall and its damned templars and Circle. "You know, that is actually a good idea," she finally admitted. "She's better with Bartrand as well. I might accidentally punch him in his arrogant face and get us kicked out anyway."

Carver nodded and leaned against the desk. "So, I know how you hate caves, you'd be miserable in the Deep Roads," he said, shaking his head at her when she started to protest, so she stopped before she had really begun. "But we can't really let her go alone, mom would have our hide."

"And dad would turn in his grave," Adriene muttered affirmatively.

"And we cannot leave Bethany here alone with mom either. So what do you say: I'll go with Cassia while you stay here and start scouting for a new home?"

She snorted. "That might be a bit premature, don't you think?” Then a little smile came on her face. “On the other hand… Bethany would love it and mom would go wild."

Carver chuckled, a rare sound for him. "You'll probably have to stop her from buying curtains already. And choosing decoration and furniture." He was interrupted by a soft nudge against his leg and he bent down to pat King Barkistair on her broad head. "Yeah, you'll stay here."

The dog barked softly but he shook his head. "No, the Deep Roads is really no place for a dog. Plus, you don't want to lose your territory to that poodle now, do you?"

Another bark, followed by a deep growl and Adriene laughed. "We'll have plenty of fun beneath the open sky, believe me."

They both looked up when the door opened again and King Barkistair shuffled over, her back wagging joyously back and forth. Cassia came in, smiling down at her and patting her head before she looked over to Carver and Adriene.

"Hey, why are you still up?" Cassia said. She looked tired as she put her staff against the wall. Carver grinned at her.

"Cass, what do you say about going to the Deep Roads with me?"


	7. Goodbye and Good Luck

The Deep Roads. Sometimes Cassia still couldn’t believe they were actually going. After all this time working hard to get the money together, they were finally ready. The last preparations were on the way and they were supposed to leave in two days. Carver, Anders, Varric and herself. And Bartrand and his hired crew, of course. She was a bit sad about Adriene staying behind. Cassia knew that Bethany had no real interest in going into the Deep Roads with them, but Adriene had definitely the sort of sense for adventure that she would feel right at home with their group. She could understand her sister’s reasons for staying behind, though; taking care of the family, and her aversion to enclosed spaces. 

Cassia had spent the last few days making sure all her business was settled for the near future. After all, they fully expected to be away from Kirkwall for several months. She had settled tabs, had a few talks with people she usually worked for to inform them that she wouldn’t be around for a while, mentioning that Adriene would perhaps be able to pick up the odd job. It felt strange, doing all this. Almost as if she were planning on leaving for good. To her astonishment, the number of people she had to talk to was more than she had thought. Even though she sometimes felt like she didn’t really belong here, she sure had made a lot of connections over the past year and a half. Maybe it was time to accept that Kirkwall was indeed more of a home than Cassia liked to admit.

One of her last stops were the Gallows. There was still a small, unfinished job she had to turn in, and as with her other contacts, it would be good to also inform Cullen about her leaving. Though she highly doubted that Adriene would take over any work from him in her absence. 

Cassia had only picked up a couple of jobs from the Gallows in the past two months, but they had been enough to make the feeling of complete dread lessen a bit when she now ventured up there. Most of it had to do with Cullen, if she was honest with herself. Whenever she wasn’t in his office, talking to him, it was all too easy to remember all the many, many reasons as to why meeting him again and again was a very bad idea. It was no problem telling herself that she would just keep it professional from now on. Do the occasional job for the templars and try her best to forget about him in any sort of other context.

But whenever she saw him, and sometimes in the quiet moments when she was trying to sleep in the middle of the night, her mind seemed all too keen on ignoring all those good reasons. Memories of the night in the tavern made her face flush and her breath hitch under the cover of darkness. The worst part was that it wasn’t even just the sex she remembered fondly.

It was the entire evening.

The hours they had been talking, both of them so carefree with the exciting feeling of possibilities between them. If it had been just a good, but completely void of emotions roll-around in bed, Cassia suspected she would have had a much easier time putting it behind her. It clearly hadn’t been, though. At least not for her. And from the way he kept looking at her, talking to her, the playful banter between them that kept happening even when discussing serious work, it had not been an entirely physical thing for him either.

When she entered his office, she could practically feel all of her worries drift away again the moment she cheerfully said hello and he greeted her back with a wide smile.

“I just wanted to drop off these letters you had asked me to get a hold of,” she explained her visit, handing over the contents of her last job for him. “And to inform you that I will not be around for a while.”

Cullen took the letters, putting them onto a pile on his desk. “Is it finally time for your expedition to start?” he asked curiously and Cassia nodded.

“Yes, finally. We leave in two days.” She had told him about her plans before, and about the amount of work she had put into getting the funds together. 

“I’m happy for you,” he said with a smile. “Though I have to admit I am going to miss your visits.” 

Cassia raised her eyebrows. As much as they had been flirting with each other in between jobs, she kept being surprised by just how direct he sometimes was. 

“How long are you planning on being away?”

“About three months, give or take,” she said. “We are not entirely certain about that, but we’ve planned ahead for a couple of months at least, just to be sure we don’t have to cut things short because we ran out of resources.”

He gave her an agreeing nod. “Thorough planning is always important. Especially when going on such a risky adventure.”

Cassia shrugged. She was aware that there was a risk involved, but with all the planning they had done, she felt relatively confident about their odds. “We have protection, a good supply chain and a very thorough plan of where to go. We will be fine, no need to worry.”

“I can’t help it,” Cullen smiled apologetically. “You’ll just have to live with the fact that I will worry, at least a bit, whether you like it or not.”

The twinkle in his eyes made Cassia smile herself. “I like it,” she admitted quietly. “Not causing you to worry in general, I mean,” she rushed to explain. “But…”

Cullen seemed to understand what she meant. “I understood what you meant,” he said with a knowing look, and Cassia cleared her throat, trying to keep herself from looking into his eyes. She had a tendency to get lost in them when they talked, leading to embarrassing silences and more knowing grins from him almost every single time.

“I should go home,” she said quickly. “Still much to prepare for, you know?” 

“Of course,” Cullen agreed. “But before you go, there's just something…” He didn’t finish his sentence, but he was moving, suddenly standing in front of her, giving her that look that never seemed to fail to make her slightly breathless. Without hesitation, his arms were around her, fingers tangling into her hair as he nudged her closer before he dipped his head and kissed her. 

It was sweet. Slow. Cassia sighed against his mouth as she let her arms curl around his neck. Whenever he kissed her, time just seemed to stop. Her thoughts, all too focused on enjoying the feeling of being held by him, of revelling in the sensation of his tongue meeting hers, had no room to let any of her worries through anymore. 

When he pulled back, Cassia felt herself chasing after him, not ready to let go of the feeling yet. “I am going to miss you, too,” she admitted, before catching his lips again. 

Cullen let out a small moan, taking her words as encouragement, it seemed, as he deepened the kiss, pulling her closer than before. This time, when she opened her mouth against him, there was a spark of heat going through her, and she felt her head swim with need as her thoughts seemed to stop working at all. Hands everywhere, touching, holding, grasping each other. Tugging at clothes that were far too inconvenient for this situation and far too complex to remove. It didn’t stop their fumbling. A wall behind her. Solid, as Cullen pressed into her, never stopping the kisses. A quick move and she heard the unmistakable sound of a lock snapping shut. It pulled her briefly out of the haze, looking around in confusion until she realized he had made sure no one could walk in on them like this. Briefly, she thought that she should probably have some strong objections about being locked in with a templar in his office, but Cullen was right back to have her being the sole focus of his attention again, and she lost the will to care under his touch.

Part of her dress was pulled loose, slightly open at the front. A mouth was on her breast as she felt her skirt being lifted, a hand dipping underneath. Her head fell back at his hand running up her legs, pulling at her smallclothes until she felt them give, sliding down her legs. Was she really about to do this? She wanted him, there was no doubt about that, but they were in the Gallows of all places, surrounded by who knew how many other people just outside the walls of this room.

“Cullen,” she whispered between labored breaths, “what are we doing?”

A devious smile and a heated look were her answer. “Making sure you remember me fondly,” he murmured before his mouth was back on her. A needy sound left her mouth as his fingers between her legs found what they were looking for. She could worry later, Cassia decided, moaning into his mouth as her own hands were busy finding a way underneath the templar robes. A shift here, some struggling there, and she finally managed, having to pause undoing his breeches for a moment when his hand between her legs sent a full body shiver through her. When she finally got her hands on him, pulling his length out and starting to stroke him as well as the slightly awkward angle of being pressed against a metal chestplate allowed her, she felt him shudder against her in return.

“Maker, Cassia, I want you,” she heard him murmur against her ear, his breath heavy and warm on her skin. “I need you,” his voice sounded rough and Cassia felt herself shudder from the effect it had on her. There was a question woven into his words and Cassia found herself nodding without thought. 

“Yes,” she breathed, feeling her hold on his length slip slightly. Frustration welled up in her at the inconvenience of their situation, their position and their state of undress. An office and not nearly as much time as she wanted left them with few options. Cullen seemed to be on the same page and as his hand left her. She couldn’t even protest before he was moving them away from the wall. His hands on her thighs, he quickly lifted her up before setting her down onto the edge of his desk, not caring at all that papers started flying everywhere. 

Briefly, his hand came to rest on her cheek and the look he gave her was so gentle that Cassia felt something in her clench with longing. She held his gaze, and around them, nothing but their own breaths could be heard for a while. She was almost getting lost in the moment, when her aching body reminded her of what they were in the middle of, and suddenly nothing was happening fast enough for her. “Cullen, please,” she begged, pulling him closer again. “I need…” She couldn’t finish her sentence, his lips sealing hers as his hands worked her skirt up again, pulling the smallclothes off her before getting busy with his own robes.

He never stopped kissing her, swallowing all her little noises and moans as he pulled her hips forward until she was barely even sitting on the desk, having to lean back slightly as he was finally between her legs, pushing into her with a deep groan. Cassia tried to fit her legs around him as well as she could, trying to pull him closer. 

Cullen seemed as impatient as she was, setting a fast pace. One arm around her, the other was sliding in between them, trying to find the spot that would make her see stars again. Cassia had trouble not getting too loud when he did, holding onto him with a desperate grasp as he kept pushing into her. She wished this could last for so much longer, but she felt the telltale signs of her own orgasm approaching already, and the almost frantic way Cullen was moving let her know he was not far behind. With a couple more thrusts and some delicious movements of his fingers against her, she felt herself fly over the edge, her small scream of ecstasy swallowed by his mouth as he followed her almost instantly. 

When Cassia felt herself come down again, she realized he was still kissing her, but instead of the hungry, almost demanding kisses from earlier, they were now languid and slow. His hand had moved up her chest, trailing over her neck until he could bury his fingers in her hair again, holding her against him gently. It didn’t feel like he was in any hurry to let go of her, and Cassia sighed into the kiss, feeling mindlessly happy and unconcerned with anything else for a while.

She had no idea how long they kept just kissing each other, getting lost in each other’s mouths. But when he finally pulled back, his lips were red and slightly swollen, much like her own felt. He looked at her with a gentle smile before he started to button up her dress again. Cassia’s hands flew to assist him, and wordlessly they helped each other straighten their clothes until both of them looked presentable again. Cullen held out a hand to help her off his desk.

There was a new sort of tension between them. Not the kind that made her anxious or worried, but the kind that made Cassia hold her breath when he looked at her, made her heart skip a beat at the thought of seeing him again after the expedition. She knew with certainty that she would be right back to worrying about what this meant, about what a colossal risk it was for her to indulge in her desire for him. At least for now she could still enjoy the feeling, the hint of a  _ maybe _ between them. With another slow kiss, a goodbye kiss she realized, Cullen drew back from her before moving to unlock the door again.

“I am definitely going to remember you very fondly,” Cassia broke the silence between them with a playful wink, cutting through the heavy tension still present in the room with a light tone as she got ready to leave. There were many lonely nights on this long trip ahead of her, after all. When she passed him, his eyes held a spark in them again.

“As will I,” he promised her and his voice sent another pleasant tingle down her back. “And when you return, perhaps we could try and make a bit more time for each other.” It sounded like a simple, unassuming suggestion, but Cassia knew exactly what he meant and she felt herself be much more enthusiastic about the prospect than she should be.

“Perhaps we could try that,” she answered in a quiet but clear voice, revelling in the smile her words put onto Cullens face.

“Have a safe trip, and please come back healthy and in one piece,” he urged her as she opened the door, stepping through to leave. 

“I promise, I’ll try my absolute best to do that,” she replied, sending him one last look over her shoulder, one last smile, before she went on her way home, realizing that all of a sudden, the three months of planned expedition time seemed quite a bit longer than they had this morning.


	8. The Message

"Adriene."

She blinked slowly, unsettled, while the dream slowly vanished into nothingness, leaving nothing but an uneasy feeling behind. She could feel a hand on her shoulder, softly shaking her.

"Ria, wake up."

Adriene looked at her sister in confusion. Bethany was pale, still in her nightgown. She had a shawl around her shoulders, holding it together with one hand, using the other one to wake her sister.

"Bethany?" Adriene quickly sat up, immediately concerned, and looked around the room before she focused on Bethany again. "Is everything alright?"

Her sister shook her head, looking miserable. "No. Something is wrong. Very wrong."

Adriene instinctively reached for her weapons but Bethany stilled her hand, looking at her with pain in her eyes. "No, it's… I think something happened to Carver."

It felt as if someone had pushed her into ice-cold water. They had always known about each other's special connection to their twin. Adriene still remembered the first time she had felt it herself. She and Cassia had been four years old and Cassia had run away after a fight they had. Their mother had been busy with the newborn babies, her father had been working in the garden and Adriene had sulked in the kitchen when she had suddenly known something was wrong. It was as if the day had suddenly darkened. _Wrong, wrong, wrong._ Something dark, horrible, tugged at her being and before she even knew what she did, she had been running to their dad, screaming for Cassia. They had found her in the lake, barely able to keep her head over water and got her to safety just in time. Something similar had happened a few years later when Adriene had found herself trapped in a cave-in, learning to fear dark, enclosed spaces. It had been Cassia who had known something was wrong and managed to get her out. Ever since, they had just accepted that special bond that was between them. It had lessened somewhat as they grew up, but it had not disappeared, and by now it was just a part of being, that background feeling of quiet sense of the other one. Nothing that she was aware of day to day, but something deep inside that they each knew was there. Bethany and Carver shared something similar, she knew. 

Suddenly, the uneasy feeling from the dream came back with a vengeance, and she quickly took her sister's hand in hers, looking at her with wide eyes. Bethany swallowed and tears filled her eyes as she saw the look on Adriene's face. "You feel it, too," she whispered. "Did they… are they…"

Quickly, Adriene shook her head. Whatever she had felt, it had not been that dark tugging at her being she remembered from when Cassia was in mortal danger. "No, I don't think so. But yeah, I felt something, too." Something dark, whispering, luring. "I thought it was a dream but if you had it as well…?"

Her sister put her face in her hands, shaking slightly. "But it was so bad, Ria," she murmured, "as if he was suddenly in a living nightmare."

Adriene quickly drew her sister into a tight embrace, holding her. She didn't want to voice the dreadful thoughts that went through her at Bethany's words, the horror that rose inside her. She had fought darkspawn too often to have any illusions about just how horrible a death in the darkness would be, surrounded and cut down by the snarling beasts, their claws and teeth. They had both seen Wesley succumb to the Taint… they knew that a death by blade or teeth would probably be kinder than being infected. Unbidden pictures of the black streaks running over Cassia’s skin, of Carver with bloodshot eyes rose within her as she stared into the darkness of their room over Bethany’s shoulder, and her arms tightened around her sister as she bit her lip to keep it from quivering. They were in the Deep Roads after all. The home of the darkspawn. But there was nothing they could do. There was nothing to say. All they could do was wait.

It was late in the afternoon a week later when Adriene came back from a meeting with Athenril. She was still working with her from time to time, on some job or other, taking on more missions than before. With Carver and Cassia gone, she had tried to cut Bethany some slack without having to forgo the luxuries they had managed to afford since they no longer had to pay Athenril back. She had planned to update her sister on a new opportunity before she went to talk to their friends to see if one or two of them wanted to help and had just turned the corner towards the house they shared with Gamlen when she heard a terrible scream. She froze, as did several other people who looked at each other uncomfortably. It came from her home. Adriene burst into a sprint, a cold claw squeezing her heart. She raced up the stairs and nearly crashed into a dwarf who just left the house. Her eyes widened and her hand with which she had steadied him closed more tightly around his arm. "You - you were with the expedition, were you not?" she asked and he nodded shortly.

"My condolences," he said, giving her a sympathetic look before he left.

The world froze.

Adriene felt numb as she slowly turned towards the open door. She could see her mother kneeling on the floor, wailing, Bethany's arm around her. Her sister looked up at her, her eyes huge and her cheeks tear-streaked. She made a step towards them with an effort, then another and another, as if the air had turned solid and she was wading through thick mud. When she reached Leandra, she wordlessly joined in the embrace, her mother’s wails quieting to desperate sobs. Bethany started to talk, her voice barely louder than Leandra’s crying, and Adriene forced herself to listen. "… a cave-in… unstable… Bartrand says… no profit… all four of them…"

The last part wiggled itself into her brain and she found some words somewhere within herself. "Varric and Anders, too?"

Bethany nodded with a sob. "I knew it… I told you something happened," she said with a broken voice and buried her face at their mother's shoulder, crying helplessly.

"I never should have let them go," Leandra sobbed. "I should have put my foot down. They were your little brother and sister, why did you let them go, Adriene? Why?"

The words echoed inside of her, cold and hollow, stinging in her heart and she had no answer. She could do nothing but hold them as grief crashed over her and she stared into nothingness, hot tears streaming down her face, her mind screaming a silent _NO NO NO_.

She had no idea how long they were like this, just holding each other. Sometime later, she and Bethany brought Leandra into her room where she fell asleep, exhausted from mourning. King Barkistair whimpered and refused to leave her side, so they left her lying next to her on the bed. "Will you stay with her?" Adriene asked Bethany who nodded silently, wiping a hand over her face.

"Thank you. I'll tell the others," she murmured and went to grab her coat. As she readied herself, Bethany sat down at the work desk, still pale. 

"What are we going to do now?" she asked, her voice breaking at the words and when Adriene looked at her, new tears were on her face.

For a long moment, she just looked at her younger sister, unable to answer. What was she to say? That in this very moment she had no idea how to reach the next day, how to face a future without Cassia, without Carver?

Then she remembered how her mother had asked her the exact same question after her dad had died. Just hours before Malcolm had died, he had looked at Adriene, weak from the fever but with clear eyes. 'Promise me, Adriene, promise me to take care of them. They are your responsibility now. You must protect them. Swear it!' And so she had sworn. And up until now, she had kept her promise. Something hardened within her and Adriene closed her eyes, putting her grief in a hard shell, tucked away in a corner of her heart.

"We'll keep going," she finally answered, her voice quiet and her eyes dry. "Don't worry, Bethany. I'll take care of everything."

She went to the Hanged Man to find Isabela. Her friend sat at one of the tables with Merrill, trying to teach her a card game. Adriene watched a moment from the door as they laughed and teased each other before she went over.

"Seagull!" Isabela grinned at her as she saw her coming over, but the joyful expression on her face slowly disappeared as she took in Adriene's state. Merrill took a moment longer to realize something was up.

"What's happened?" Isabela asked, and Merrill stood up to lay a hand on Adriene's arm with a worried expression on her face. Adriene decided to go through with it as quickly as possible.

"We've had word from the expedition. There was a cave-in. Anders, Varric, Carver, and Cassia… They didn't make it."

She saw the words register slowly, watching with a strange detachment as they heard, then understood. Merrill's eyes got big and bigger, and her hands flew to her mouth, covering it as the tears started to fall, looking to Isabela as if for help. Isabela's face fell, getting serious and grim and a string of curses left her before she wrapped her arms around both Adriene and Merrill.

"What can I do?" she asked over Merrill's sobs, hugging them close. Adriene raised her arms after a moment to return the hug, still feeling numb.

"Would you tell Corff that I'll come by one of these days to settle everything for Varric? I'll go talk to Aveline, Fenris, and Sebastian."

Isabela just nodded, giving her a strange look. "Of course."

"Thank you." Adriene freed herself. "I'll come by later."

She turned to leave, not even noticing the worry on Isabela's face as she held the crying Merrill and watched Adriene go.

Aveline didn't say much, but her eyes spoke of the sympathy she had. "I understand. If you need anything…" she said, grasping Adriene's arm in a warrior's clasp. For a long moment, they held each other's gaze and Adriene nodded. She knew, Aveline really did understand, both the fact and the implication. They both had seen death in the army, and she had lost Wesley to the corruption. "Thank you, Aveline," she whispered before she cleared her throat, nodding again before she left to find Fenris and Sebastian.

Talking to Sebastian was the hardest. It took Adriene a while to be able to enter the Chantry with its many, many candles for the departed, its solemn and friendly sisters, the praying, the whispers and the general feeling of quietness and peace. She had stopped going to the ceremonies after her time in the army and she still felt uneasy in the presence of the faithful. There were no answers here for her anymore. But she knew that both Cassia and Carver had taken their faith seriously, and even if Varric didn't attend service, he was a believer as well. He would have wanted her to include him in what she had to say.

Fenris was with her. He had just plainly told her that he would stay with her after taking one look at her, a comforting presence at her side. Adriene pointedly ignored the statue of Andraste, even as Sebastian turned to her, saying a quick prayer for the lost ones. "I know how you feel, Hawke," he said solemnly,  with a hint of the grief he carried as well. She quickly quickly looked down as her throat closed up again. For a moment, nobody said anything. Fenris took a small step closer, but Adriene just quietly wiped at her cheeks before she looked up again and said, "I know you do, Sebastian. Thank you."

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked quietly, and Adriene nodded.

"Actually, there is. I know we don't have the… we don't have… but can we still have a ceremony? I am unsure if this is what Anders would have wanted but I know the others did and I… I would like to include them all."

Maybe commending them to the Maker would put Anders and Justice to rest as well, allowing the spirit to pass over behind the Veil again and Anders to go to the Maker's side. She owed it to her friend to at least try. Sebastian did not even hesitate one moment before he laid both hands on her arms, squeezing them tightly in a gesture of comfort. "Of course, Hawke. I will take care of everything. Just let me know when."

 

* * *

 

 

They held the ceremony a few days later.

It was a beautiful day, one of the last truly warm days of Kingsway. In absence of the bodies, the pyres were smaller than they would have been otherwise, but they had put replacements made of straw and wrapped in funeral linen upon them. White stones surrounded the pyres, and upon them, next to the representations of the dead, they had laid things that reminded them of their loved ones. A broadsword for Carver, a staff for Anders and Cassia, and a crossbow bolt for Varric since they did not have Bianca. Adriene had not interfered with Sebastian's preparations except for putting staffs upon the pyres for Cassia and Anders. He had protested vehemently, insisting that even the facsimile staffs were a representation of the corrupting influence of magic on mankind and that they had no place in an Andrastian ceremony, but Adriene had just stared him down without saying a word until he had surrendered with a sigh. She was smart enough to place them in a way that hid them from bystanders, however. 

Anders was surrounded by bundles upon bundles of herbs and letters from patients he had saved. A lot of small, wooden dog figurines from Ferelden refugees whom he had helped, small amulets and feathers strewn between them. Adriene put a small cat figurine between the many dogs, knowing his love for them.

Varric’s pyre was filled with papers upon which little stories were written. Stories he had told or stories people had collected for him. Someone had put two glasses filled with whiskey there and several ribbons of all colors, ink and a quill, a few coins, several stones and something that strangely looked like lyrium dust. 

Adriene had put a sunburst amulet on both Carver and Cassia. There were several dog figurines for Carver as well, and a branch of a blackberry bush, thorns, berries and all. He loved blackberries, and Adriene was thankful for having found the branch. She had asked around until she had found someone who had brought a seedling that had taken root from Ferelden. Her mother had made a batch of the cookies she used to make for Carver and Adriene back when their dad was busy with training Cassia and Bethany and placed several next to him.

Cassia's pyre was filled with blue flowers. Adriene had spent a whole day in the fields outside of Kirkwall, collecting every cornflower she could find, Cassia's favorite. A braided lock of hair of two colors, dark and fair, was placed next to the sunburst amulet. Bethany put a snowflake made of sugar next to it, one of Varric's books somewhere beneath the flowers, and at the very end, Adriene put Cassia's lute upon the pyre.

"But Adriene…" her mother started, but Adriene just said, "She'd want it with her."

Leandra no longer protested. 

Sebastian held the ceremony, his voice clear in the afternoon air, carrying out onto the ocean as they lit the pyres. There were more people than Adriene had expected and for as long as the pyres blazed, some went and others came. Many of the patients that she had seen in Anders' clinic and a lot of refugees and merchants who had supplied him. The patrons of the Hanged Man, Corff and Norah, someone who introduced himself as Varric's publisher, and several people who had a decided shady look upon them. Athenril and Meeran showed as well as Worthy and Madam Lusine. Even Knight-Captain Cullen came to pay his respects and some other templars as well, Keran among them.

When Cullen came towards them to say the usual platitudes of “I am so sorry for your loss,” Adriene saw genuine grief in his eyes, and following an instinct, she held his hand. His eyebrows lifted slightly in surprise, and she said quietly, “You know I don’t think much of templars, Knight-Captain, but I know that Cassia really liked working for you. No, actually…” She nodded to emphasize her words, her eyes shimmering, “... she didn’t like the work, but she liked you. So, thank you. For being a friend to her.”

“It was… mutual,” Cullen muttered after a moment where he just looked at her. “Thank you, Hawke.”

Adriene nodded, then she let go of him, and he turned slowly away and left.

After him, there was a long line of people she had never heard of or seen before and after a while, she stopped taking notice. At one point, she thought absent-mindedly that she should show some emotion or other, but the only thing she could do was stare into the flames and the way their heat made the air scintillate. Bethany and she flanked their mother who was openly weeping during the ceremony. The afternoon dimmed to evening and the people left, one after the other, and still she stood, looking at the flames. Gamlen took Leandra's arm and brought her home when the ceremony was over, and Bethany came over and took Adriene's hand.

"I always thought I'd know if she died," Adriene whispered at one point, and Bethany squeezed her hand, leaning her head on her shoulder. "But I don't feel anything. It should be different. Everything should be different. But it isn't. And at the same time, it is."

She could feel Bethany nodding. "I know."

Together they stood and watched the wind carry the smoke and the flames out to the sea until they could no longer see them. Slowly, the flames died to embers and night fell. Still, they stood, watching the last sparks ascend to the sky, disappearing between the stars.

"Remember when Cassia and Anders yelled so loud that the whole Hanged Man listened to their arguments, placing bets who would win?" Isabela's voice suddenly said next to Adriene.

"I believe Varric started to collect the money, making a show out of it as usual," Fenris added and Merrill chuckled, even among tears. "Carver was not amused," she said and Aveline scoffed. "Carver was rarely amused."

"That's not true," Merrill protested. "He always made me laugh. And he promised to tell me something dirty some day. He never did, though."

"Ah, Kitten, I believe he really tried to, but you never managed to realize it," Isabela grinned and Bethany joined Merrill's tearful chuckle. 

They sat down to share stories, little moments and laughter. Some time later, Isabela brought out a bottle of whiskey and several glasses and they raised them in silence. Even Adriene, who had found herself unable to participate in their sharing of stories, drank a glass for each of the four loved ones. When she felt Bethany shudder in the night breeze, she looked at her. "Go home, Bethy,” she said kindly.

Her sister pulled her coat closer around her. Bethany looked exhausted, her eyes red-rimmed with dark shadows beneath them. Sebastian came over as Adriene looked at him and she nodded her thanks. "Will you accompany her?"

"Of course," he said gallantly, and Bethany managed a small smile. Then she looked at Adriene. "What about you?"

"I'll stay a bit longer. Just a bit," she answered quietly, and Bethany nodded before she gave her sister a kiss on the cheek and left, supported by Sebastian's arm. Aveline went with them after giving Adriene a rare hug. Isabela, Fenris, and Merrill stayed silently at Adriene's side until morning came, watching the Sisters ritually collecting the ashes into urns. Since Bartrand had left Kirkwall again just shortly after his return, and no-one was there to claim Anders', Adriene had agreed to take them all back with her. They helped her take them home, placing them on the small altar Leandra had erected in one corner of the main room.

"Thank you," Adriene said after they had lit the candle and gave all of them a hug.

"Of course," Fenris responded quietly and Merrill smiled at her, looking pale and tired. "I will say a prayer back on Sundermount for them if you don't mind," she said and Adriene swallowed in a vain attempt to get rid of the lump in her throat.

"I'd be honored. Thanks, Merrill."

Isabela held her long and tight, a warm and soft contrast to the cold hardness Adriene felt inside her. "Will you be alright?" she asked, cupping her cheek in one hand, her golden eyes burning into her. Adriene only nodded, feeling hollow and detached.

"Eventually."


	9. Hollow Memories

Cullen felt surprisingly empty, hollow even as he entered his office again. He had just returned from Lowtown. He hadn’t wanted to go but something inside him had felt like he had to see it with his very own eyes. The funeral. When he had gotten the news - through accident almost, by overhearing a Chantry sister saying that the Deep Roads expedition had returned but with casualties - it had felt surreal, unbelievable even. He had made several inquiries but all came back with the same result: Only a small core had returned and the Hawke family was in mourning for two of their children. 

The empty feeling that had started right then persisted. Cassia. Over the past few months, he had grown to like her. Cullen remembered having been intrigued by her the moment he first saw her. It had taken only a few moments of conversation and his interest had become utter fascination. And what had happened after… He had replayed the night they had spent together more times than he’d ever care to admit. He had been so excited to see her again and when she had suddenly stood inside his office he had been delighted. Their conversation had picked right up where they had left off, feeling natural, as if they had known each other for a long time already. 

They had flirted, danced around each other, exchanged the occasional kisses in his office even. With a sad smile, he thought about how everything they did felt unhurried. Like they were growing closer with every time they saw each other, but in a way that seemed like they had all the time in the world. How wrong he had been. 

Cullen forced himself not to dwell on thoughts of how he could have done anything differently. Even if he had hurried their growing relationship along, it would not have changed what happened after all. She still would have gone on the expedition. He still would have lost her. Maybe it was better that they hadn’t been as close as he would have wanted them to be. Maybe the loss would have been harder had they gotten even more involved. Maybe he should take this as a point of comfort.

Or maybe he was just trying to make everything more bearable for himself right now. Unable, unwilling to admit that he already had been far beyond the point where Cassia had been just a casual infatuation. No, nothing in the world could have made this situation in any way easier for him. 

He had done his best to look detached, formal, at her funeral. Paying his respect to all four people they had laid to rest today, even though he didn’t know the other three at all. Cullen felt a pang of pain shoot through his heart as he realized that he didn’t even have anyone in this city he could talk to about what had happened. The only person he had somewhat opened up to, had somewhat let into his more private thoughts and the not-templar part of his life had been Cassia. Anything that they had shared between them had happened either in a dingy tavern room or in the privacy of his office. With a sigh, he realized that he couldn't even publicly mourn for her. After all, they were nothing to each other in the eyes of everyone else. And that too, would now never change.

With a profound sense of sadness, he sat down at his desk, staring at the work that had piled up in front of him. There was nothing to do now but to move on. To keep going. To face the awful banalities that this city threw at him every day. Cassia had made them almost bearable. Her visits, their conversations, her kisses and the gentle promise of more had transformed Kirkwall into a place he could imagine feeling at home. With Cassia gone, all that was left was the ugly truth of a city that felt broken from within. 

He went through the missives on his desk, sorting them by priority and by how much resources they would take. A mindless task, but one that kept him busy at least. Hopefully busy enough to not let his mind wander. A hope that seemed in vain when he noticed there was a follow-up report on his desk about a case that she had helped him with. Some escaped mages on the coast. Cassia had convinced them to turn themselves in, avoiding a full-on confrontation. It was one of the first jobs she had done for the order, and he remembered well just how impressed he had been that she had solved something so precarious with almost no bloodshed. But she had also advised him to listen closely to what the now returned mages had to say. To take their statements and not just the ones of their captors. What they had told him, once he had at least a few of them convinced that he genuinely wanted to help, had been harrowing. 

Cullen had always known that there had been cases of abuse of power in almost every Circle. In Ferelden, Knight-Commander Greagoir had tried to stomp these cases out like a fire: without hesitation and thoroughly. Always making sure every templar under his command knew they were there for one thing, and one thing only: Protection. And even that had not been enough. Kirkwall seemed to play by an entirely different set of rules. His careful inquiries with Knight-Commander Meredith quickly confirmed his dreadful suspicions that the templars here saw themselves quite differently. Cullen had taken the statements and filed for a formal reprimand. Now that he had the final report in front of him, he felt a cold shiver go over his back. It had been the wrong move, it seemed. One of the complaining mages had been found guilty of outside communication. Something Cullen knew to be practically impossible given the scrutiny those mages especially had faced, and the schedules he himself had designed. The mage had been made tranquil not too long ago while the names of the accused didn’t even appear once in the report. These kinds of misconducts, this blatant disregard for their own rules and the abuse of power had been exactly the things that had driven so many mages into the arms of someone the likes of Uldread.

With an angry sigh, he closed the folder. He should have seen this coming. He had a bad feeling about almost everything in the Gallows from day one, but he had let himself go lax with the excuses of still finding his bearings around a new environment. Had hidden behind the comfort of not being the one in charge. After all, who was he to question the Knight-Commander's orders? It sounded suspiciously like something he had promised himself to not fall back into. Not after what happened in Ferelden. After what he had seen from the Wardens.

No, he could not ignore this. Orders or not. He had stood still, doing nothing but following orders once already and it had taken two wardens with more bravery and luck than common sense to make him see the error of that. He had to do something. And from what he already knew about the Gallows and the established structure here, he had to do it quietly and probably much slower than he hoped for if he wanted to actually get something done and not become another casualty of the power-hungry.

He needed a plan.

The coming days were filled with as much work as possible for Cullen. Going through every little bit he had worked on since he got here again, in addition to his regular work. Trying to find more information about what his predecessor had done in his stead. The more he dug, the more he realized that there seemed to be a deliberate amount of chaos in the order’s bookkeeping. Making sure things were only ever documented as sparsely as possible. It was almost impossible to find anything useful. The only things that seemed to have immaculate paperwork were the requests the Knight-Commander sent to Orlais. Like her latest one, a plan to considerably grow the templar presence in Kirkwall. Cullen felt the Templar Order in Kirkwall was already staffed considerably stronger than necessary, but according to Meredith, they were missing key resources in both weaponry and manpower. Her requisitions read like she was preparing more for a full-on war than for securing one single building, the Circle.

It took him another few days to really understand the magnitude and to have a few conversations with the Knight-Commander about the necessity of her request, always careful to agree with her just at the right times. The first thing he had learned when arriving in Kirkwall was that disagreeing with Meredith was a sure way to leave the Order rather permanently, often in less than optimal physical condition. No, an outright confrontation was off the table. He needed to find other ways. 

But all his work, all the nights he spent researching, could not stop the thoughts about Cassia from coming back to haunt him over and over again. The Chantry services where his eyes wandered to where she had usually sat. The flowers on the market stalls that reminded him of similar ones she had put in her hair so often. Sometimes, even just looking up from his desk he somehow expected to see her standing there, waiting for him to say something. Every little bit kept reminding him of her.

When the Knight-Commander offered him the job of recruiting more templars from other institutions to Kirkwall, he almost jumped at the chance. Meredith had seemed almost apologetic, asking him to be on the road for such a prolonged time, to travel back to Ferelden, perhaps even to Orlais if necessary, but Cullen could see no downside. Everything he was doing for the good of Kirkwall, or so he hoped at least, he could do on the road, on his own. The idea of being away from the city where everything felt of loss to him for a few weeks, months even was more than just tempting and he agreed almost immediately.

It wasn’t even two weeks after the funeral that he found himself standing on a ship, watching Kirkwall grow smaller and smaller behind him, unlike the pain in his heart that still refused to shrink even the slightest bit. Perhaps when he returned to Kirkwall in a couple of months, it would get better. The city would not hold fewer painful memories, but perhaps, over time, they would fade at least.


	10. Distractions in the Darkness

Anders didn’t have to look around for very long before he found her. Varric and Carver were getting ready to get a few hours of rest. Their search for a way out of the tomb Bartrand had gotten them stuck in would have to wait until they weren’t in danger of falling asleep standing up anymore. There were several more chambers all around the main one and they had spent the day scouting for a way out. Without success. Cassia was standing at something that looked like a balcony of some sorts.

Not for the first time, Anders wondered about Dwarven architecture. Despite being underground, they had built many of their structures as if they were above ground instead. Terraces, balconies and the likes seemed to make little sense to him when you couldn't see the sky, yet they could be found at every other corner. He closed the distance to where Cassia was standing and peaked over the stone railing. Nothing but darkness was underneath them. Not really any possibility of a way out then.

Cassia had heard him come up behind her, but she kept staring into the darkness ahead. So much space around them, and yet here they were, still trapped in the most spacious prison she could imagine. They had been searching around the vast network of tunnels for what felt like forever. Forever since they had been betrayed and ultimately been stuck here. The tunnels seemed to lead anywhere but to an exit, and where she had been full of determination and drive after they realized their situation, those feelings had slowly given way to resignation and hopelessness. If only she had paid a little more attention. If she had reacted immediately to Bartrand’s weird tone instead of being distracted by all the shiny things in front of her.

She realized she must have said some of her thoughts out loud when Anders spoke. 

“No one could have seen this coming, he gave us no reason to mistrust him.”

Cassia just shook her head. There was no emotion in her voice when she spoke. “No, I  _ should _ have. I usually don’t trust anyone. Ever. I am probably the most distrusting person you know.” 

Anders stepped around until he was next to her and gave her a lopsided smile. “Since both you and I actually know Fenris, I’d say I highly doubt that.” But his remark had little effect. Cassia seemed determined to shoulder the blame.

“I should have at least entertained the possibility. And I usually would have, but I was so… blinded by the possibilities of this expedition I just let my guard down.” She looked around. The dim light of the lit torch at the entry wasn’t enough to fully illuminate the room they were standing in, but there was nothing in it except for stone and dust anyway.

“And now what have we got?” Her voice sounded as tired as they had all felt today. “I mean, congratulations to us, we found an ancient tomb! Full of dust and rocks and I think I saw some bones earlier.” She spoke softly, not sure about just how much her voice would carry into the main tomb. She didn’t want to needlessly stir things up, unsettle her brother and her friend. Not yet. But worry weighed heavily upon her as she whispered, “Anders, we are almost out of water.” 

His face didn’t change but she saw the tension in his posture. 

“I know,” he answered quietly. “My estimate is that we have enough for another day, perhaps one and a half.” 

Cassia couldn’t stop the shiver going through her when he confirmed her thoughts. They had brought plenty of food and water with them on the original expedition, but they had been cut off from their camp and its supplies, and the reserves they had on them were now almost gone. Her eyes wandered away from Anders and back to the vast darkness in front of them. “I keep thinking that this is the most boring way one could possibly die,” she murmured. 

Anders snorted. “I don’t know, you could be dying in a broken hovel in the docks. Not more interesting and on top of it it would be cold  _ and _ wet.” The way he emphasized the last part made it sound like the wetness would be the most offensive factor.

“You mean at least we die with dry socks?” She chuckled but it sounded off, even to herself, and the smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Honestly though, at the chance of sounding overly fatalistic, there is actually a real possibility that we are not getting out of here.”

Next to her Anders sighed deeply. “I know.” His eyes followed hers, looking ahead into the nothing. “The problems in Kirkwall seem far away and astoundingly small at the moment.”

Cassia hummed in agreement. Everything in Kirkwall seemed so far away now. Thoughts of Adriene, Bethany and their mother had kept Cassia up the last few nights. The expedition had been all of their hope. And now it turned to dust, worse even, if they didn’t find a way out of here. How would they cope without them? Cassia couldn't even imagine.

Briefly, she thought of Cullen. Would he mourn her? Would he even know she had died down here? She couldn’t think of anyone she knew going out of their way to inform him. Maybe he would hear about it by chance. Or maybe he would simply assume she had lost interest. In working for him, or simply seeing him.

The treacherous thought of her dying down in the Deep Roads in obscurity being a good thing befell her. At least this way she would never have to face the music. Cullen would never find out about her. Maybe it was the universe's way of making sure Cassia didn’t do something worse, got her family into more danger.

And yet, at the same time… Anders was right, the problems in Kirkwall seemed small all of a sudden. So what if he was a templar? It hadn’t done a damn thing to change Cassia’s growing feelings for him. How stupid she felt, about to die down here knowing that she could have told him. If not who she was, then at least how she felt. Now she wouldn’t get a chance to do either.

Cassia turned slightly to pick up a small stone from the ground. With a swing of her arm, she let it fly over the railing and into the dark. Both she and Anders seemed to hold their breath, waiting, listening for the smallest noise of the stone hitting the ground. 

It never came. 

After a few moments, she released her breath in a huff. Carefully, she looked over the railing again, leaning a bit more forward than before as if expecting to see something else but darkness. Her fingers dug into the unyielding stone until her knuckles started to turn white from the tension as she wondered what might wait for them at the bottom of this sheer endless pit. For a moment there, it didn’t seem to scare her anymore. 

It looked almost inviting.

When she swayed back, she found Anders looking at her. She shrugged. “Well, at least we have found a great way of not dying from starvation if we have to.”

Before she could even think about what was happening, she felt his hand clasp around her upper arm, gripping her a little too tight and almost roughly pulling her away from the balcony and further back into the room. She was dragged a couple of feet before she got her bearings again, starting to struggle against the hold. Unsuccessfully, she tried to pull her arm out of his grasp but he didn’t let go.

“Anders, I was not trying to… I was just thinking out loud!” she protested. As she turned around, he was looking at her furiously. 

“Stop!” he hissed and she almost flinched at his tone and the angry look he gave her. “Just stop!” He grasped her other arm and was holding her in front of him as if he wanted nothing more than to shake her. 

There was nervous laughter in her voice. Defensive. “Come on, you know I didn’t mean anything by it!” She shifted slightly, trying to step away, but his hand held her even tighter. There was definitely anger burning in his eyes now.

“Bullshit, I know you well enough by now.” His harsh tone stopped her from immediately arguing. “You absolutely meant that, and I am telling you right here and right now: You are not allowed to give up. Not yet.”

For a moment, Cassia was stunned into silence.

Not allowed?

Something sparked in her. Anger. After days upon days of everything being dulled by the tiredness, the despair and the dwindling of hope, it burned so hotly in her that she felt almost overwhelmed. She felt herself starting to shake in his grip. “You don’t get to decide when I do or do not give up!” Her voice was still quiet but furious. Her fingertips feeling cold all of a sudden as an unbidden hint of magic flew through her.

Anders did neither flinch nor budge. “Yes, I do because you are apparently absolutely awful at deciding this.” He hadn’t actually wanted to make her upset, but her angry stare made him realize something. “You deliberately do this when things get hard. You pretend like there is some off switch to your emotions and you dull yourself to the world as if that would make things any easier.” 

With all the strength she had and the momentum of surprise on her side, Cassia threw all her weight to one side and wrenched one arm out of his grip. If she would have been calmer she would have probably accomplished something more than an angry, pitifully unsuccessful try at a punch. Before it could connect, Anders caught her fist. She let out a frustrated yell as she struggled against his hold. 

“You have no right to determine how I deal with my emotions,” she roared, still struggling against his hold.

“I have every right to stop you if I feel your deliberate detachment makes you suicidal.”

His words hit her like an actual punch. Her head snapped to the side and she was staring at the balcony, now a few meters away from them. 

“I am not…” Her eyes went back and forth between the darkness and Anders’ face. “I’m not. I don’t want to die, Anders.” It didn’t sound like a reassurance, more like a realization she herself just had. “I don’t want to die!” Again, a bit louder this time. She felt the treacherous wetness of tears in her eyes. Tears of desperation over their dilemma, of sorrow for her companions and of fear of never seeing the sun again. She did not want to die. But there was a possibility that it was out of their hands, and that thought terrified her more than she would ever care to admit.

It seemed like she wouldn’t have to as Anders’ grip on her arm became slightly less tight. “Then prove it.” They were so close to each other she could see herself reflected in his eyes as he stared at her like he was trying to force her to listen, to understand. His voice was soft but there was an underlying core of steel running through it. “Prove it by not giving up. Not now, not ever. This is not over yet.” 

She felt herself nodding slightly as he finally let go of her still balled fist. Not giving up. Right. Easier said than done when all she could think about was the neverending walls of the tomb around them, the hordes of Darkspawn somewhere below them, and the empty abyss that made itself look like the best option out of the three. 

“I don’t know how to turn it off.” Cassia looked anywhere but into his eyes. “My mind I mean,” she explained when he didn’t immediately answer. “I keep thinking in circles about everything that could happen, and I can’t make it stop. And the walls feel like they are moving in on me after a while and the air gets thin and the only thing that distracts me from these thoughts is that dark pit over there that gives me other, even worse thoughts and…” She had to stop herself and forcefully draw some air back into her lungs. Her hands were cold again as she tried to force back the magic surging up inside of her. 

Anders looked at her with an unreadable expression Cassia felt almost uncomfortable under. “And I can’t sleep, I don’t know how to stand the quiet here and the darkness without losing it. I don’t know how to…”

Her rambling got interrupted by a sudden firm press of his lips on hers. The gap between them was suddenly no more as Anders held her close to him, his mouth moving over hers with determination. Cassia’s eyes widened as she froze for a second. He was kissing her. His mouth was warm on hers, and before she fully understood what was happening, she realized that she had already begun kissing him back. Without thinking, her lips had parted and his tongue darted into her mouth. Her free hand rose, not quite sure if she wanted to push him back or draw him in closer. Before she had even had the opportunity to decide, he moved away slightly. They were still close, breathing each other’s air.

“What are you doing?” Confusion and uncertainty were laced into her words as Anders’ lips were all but hovering over her own. 

“Distracting you.” The answer was simple, and he didn’t bother saying anything more before he kissed her again. For a brief moment, her mind wandered back to the darkness beyond the balcony, and Cassia shuddered as she felt a decision being made inside of her. She wanted to live. And she definitely didn’t want to think about the possibility of not getting the chance to anymore.

The kisses were careful, gentle. Almost too gentle to bear at the moment. It wasn’t gentleness and more quiet she needed. Not now, not here. Her hand settled on Anders’ tunic and grasped it tightly as she pushed herself closer to him, letting out a small moan as the kiss deepened. He wasn’t the person she wanted to be kissing right now. A stab of guilt flew through her and she felt her fingertips tingle with tiny sparks of electricity. With determination she pushed the feeling aside. It wasn’t right but he was here, and it was clearly helping. He groaned in turn as his arms circled her, holding her tightly against him as he moved her backward until she could feel the solid wall at her back.

For a moment, they both stopped. Anders pulled back enough so they could look at each other. Neither of them said a word out loud but none were necessary. A look was enough for either one of them to make it clear that they both wanted this. A small smile formed on Cassia’s face. If this was one of the last nights in her life, it could certainly be worse, she thought. Judging by the answering smile on his face something similar seemed to be true for Anders who was already back at kissing her before she could even finish that thought. His hands were roaming her upper body, loosening her shirt and getting underneath it. Cassia let out another moan as he found her breast, and a touch later, the suddenly rather frantic scramble to get out of their clothes started. One by one, the pieces fell discarded to the floor, interrupted only by their kisses and soft moans. 

When the last piece of fabric between them fell, neither took much time to look at the other, a hurried pull and the noise Anders made when their skin finally touched was swallowed up by another kiss. There was no time for exploration, for gentle touches, an urgency driving both of them, hands trying their best to touch each other in every possible way. She could feel his arousal pressed against her stomach and she instinctively widened her stance. Neither of them felt like drawing this out as Anders grabbed her with a strong grip and lifted her up. Her legs immediately went around him, trying to support herself on him. One arm around his neck, she held herself up and guided him inside of her with the other. 

As she felt him enter her, Anders pressed her into the wall, their foreheads touching as they both stared at each other, trying not to groan out loud. For a moment, neither of them dared to move. 

“We need to be quiet if we don’t want an involuntary audience,” Anders whispered. She could feel his breath on her face as she nodded, trying not to think too closely about the fact that one of her best friends and her brother were most likely trying to sleep not that far away from them. They were in another room, but it was nonetheless a room without doors.

“Better keep kissing me then,” she whispered back hoarsely. “Just to be on the safe side, you know?” 

Anders’ lips were back on hers and she felt rather than saw the smile he had. When he started to move inside her, her thoughts scrambled and fell apart. “Anders,” she murmured against his lips. His pace was fast and she was sure her shoulders and her back would kill her later from being repeatedly slammed into stone, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. All she could do was hold on. All the pent-up tension, the stress of the past few weeks and the horror of their current situation made them frantic and desperate. When she felt her climax rush over her, and him spilling inside of her only moments later, she clung to him like a lifeline. Cassia didn’t even know what she was afraid of most at that moment, only that letting go was not an option. They clung to each other, breathless and silent. For a moment. Before she realized he was still hard inside her. She must have looked confused because he chuckled as he started moving again. 

“Grey Warden stamina,” he said nonchalantly and with a twinkle in his eyes. “I can distract you all through the night if need be.” Cassia felt a laugh bubbling up in her at his uncharacteristic display of self-assurance, and she wondered when the last time was that she had felt this good. A sudden thought told her that she knew exactly when and she tried her best not to think about it as she felt the tingling sensation of her magic acting on its own return.

“You better make good on that promise after giving me high expectations.” She tried to sound light and teasing, but she knew that it wasn’t entirely successful. Anders didn’t seem to mind as his eyes met hers full of promise. If there was any darkness left in their room she would try her best to forget about it for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to us on [Tumblr](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com)


	11. Just For Tonight

“Hey, seagull, what are you doing?”

Isabela’s voice pulled Adriene from her concentration and she looked up in surprise. Her friend unceremoniously nudged her over and sat down next to her. Adriene smiled tiredly at her. “I’m going over the numbers Corff gave me. I don’t know how Varric managed to stay on top of his books, the work with us, and the Hanged Man, honestly.”

Isabela scoffed. “Come on. You know exactly how he did it. He let Corff run the thing by himself and only said something when things got tight. It’s not like he intended to make a bunch of money with it.”

“Yeah…” Adriene murmured, looking back to the papers in front of her. A sudden wave of grief washed over her, making her throat close.

It was only three weeks since the funeral. Nearly four months since they had left for the Deep Roads. Four months without Cassia and Carver, without Varric and Anders. Four months without the nightly talks with her twin, without the silent understanding they shared. Four months of caring alone for their income while Bethany made sure her mother ate and bathed and had something to smile at every now and then.

Since the horrible message of the expedition’s failure, her mother had spent most days in the Chantry, and Bethany mostly accompanied her. Adriene knew that her little sister would be there for jobs if she needed her, but for the time being, Adriene wanted to give her the space she needed to grieve for Carver and Cassia. And with the added income through the Hanged Man, even if it wasn’t that much, she was able to provide for them by herself. Even if that meant working even more than before, and always checking in with Corff before she went home to talk about expenses and income. Learning the business, so to say. Just like now.

The numbers swam before her eyes, and with a sigh, she pressed a hand over her eyes. Isabela’s arm came around her shoulders. “I miss them, too,” Isabela said, her voice heavy. For a moment, Adriene was content being held by her friend, then Bela gave her a squeeze.

“Won’t you join us downstairs? Fenris, Sebastian, and Bethany are there, too, and I think Merrill wanted to come later as well.”

Adriene looked up hesitatingly, and Isabela kissed her softly on the cheek, sending a warm shiver through her. “Come on, seagull. You need some fun now and then as well. It helps nobody if you hole yourself up, drowning in work,” she said close to her ear.

Adriene smiled, vehemently pushing the dark thoughts of grief back down again, then she nodded. “Alright.” She put the papers aside and locked them back into the desk she was using here. Back when Varric had still occupied this spot, she had never even noticed the little drawer in the desk. It was secured impressively well - but since she knew that her friend had kept at least some of the necessary paperwork here, she was no longer surprised.

Isabela gave her a huge smile and immediately grabbed her hand when she was done, pulling her along.

“Look who I found!” she exclaimed when they came to the table where the others were sitting. Merrill had arrived as well, animatedly telling Fenris something, and Bethany seemed deep in conversation with Sebastian, barely looking up to give her sister a smile.

Adriene slid onto the bench next to Fenris who gave her a smile of his own. He and Isabela had been the ones who were with Adriene the most since the expedition. Barely a day had gone by when they hadn’t seen each other. Mostly, they accompanied her on jobs, but every other night, they met here or in Fenris’ mansion. They talked about the jobs, planned upcoming missions or just spent time together, evenings of ease and laughter or solemn calmness and quiet. More than once, Adriene had found herself in both their arms when the grief had been overwhelming and she had barely been able to function.

It got better.

Slowly.

Every day that she managed to get by, that she stayed busy and alert and working, brought her one step closer to a version of herself that was no longer only consisting of grief.

There were even a few hours that she had managed not to constantly think about Cassia and Carver.

It was the easiest when she could distract herself by being with someone. And Isabela made being distracted especially easy. 

Tonight, however, was one of those evenings where the grief had its claws tightly around Adriene’s mind. It was hard to let go and to enjoy herself. But the way Isabela did not let herself be distanced, putting a new tankard in front of her as soon as the old one was empty. Having an arm around her shoulders all the while put a smile on her face. Slowly, Adriene relaxed into her friend’s embrace.

Ever since their kiss, there had been a certain physicality between them. Touches came easy, and Isabela seemed to have a permanent flirting twinkle in her eyes when she talked to Adriene. Despite or maybe because of how vehemently they both insisted on there being no romantic goals behind their flirts and easy embraces, they had become even closer in the last months.

In some corner of her mind, Adriene knew that the permanent, comfortable flutter in her stomach when she was with Isabela and Fenris was more than just attraction. But especially with Isabela, she chose to ignore the emotional part of their friendship. The thought of pushing her away by trying to get closer to her was too frightening. Especially at the moment, when it seemed like Isabela’s smile was one of the few things that could brighten Adriene’s days, she was careful not to push too much, not to read too much into the flirts.

And so she kept it light and flirty and easy, and the warmth of Bela’s embrace and the seductive allure of her voice made the hours short. She was light-headed already when Sebastian and Bethany went home, the edges of everything fuzzy and warm, the darkness of grief pushed to the far back of her mind. Merrill and Fenris were still there, too, but mostly, Adriene found herself lost in Isabela’s eyes as she sat on her lap.

“You know,” Isabela purred, her fingers lifting Adriene’s chin towards her,  “ever since that evening with you, I found myself thinking about your promise.”

Adriene’s heart fluttered, a tingle running over her skin, and she smiled. “What promise was that?”

“Ah, seagull, don’t tell me you’ve forgotten.”

Adriene chuckled, her hands in Bela’s waist, teasing over the curves just short of being a caress. “I was both drunk and distracted by the way you kissed me, Isabela, can’t blame me for forgetting some details.”

“Hm,” Isabela hummed with a smile, her golden eyes hooded. “I think I can forgive you forgetting everything but the kiss.” Her thumb brushed over Adriene’s lips. “You said that you hadn’t even started. I’d be of a mind to see what you can do once you  _ have  _ started.”

Adriene’s eyes widened and a warm shiver of lust ran down her spine. A part of her felt guilty for the immediate reaction - shouldn’t she be grieving and nothing else? - but then, it was not like she hadn’t entertained these fantasies herself. Especially after nights like this, with Isabela’s body perpetually touching, her smile teasing and her eyes full of promises. And it would help chase away the dreams of darkness and loneliness, of caves and lava and rocks pressing down on her that kept haunting her nights.

“What do you say, seagull?” Bela asked in a low voice. “Can I convince you to let me steer your boat tonight? No strings attached.”

Adriene swallowed. "Yes," she breathed, with barely any hesitation.

The way Isabela’s eyes lit up was enough to make her heart skip a beat, and a promising smile was on the pirate’s lips as she disentangled herself from Adriene’s lap, taking her hand as she stood and pulling her towards the room she had in the Hanged Man. They barely waved Merrill and Fenris goodbye, Adriene noting Merrill's smile and the intensity of Fenris’ eyes as he watched them go, another shiver running over her.

A giddy giggle was in Adriene’s throat, an excited, nervous tingle in her stomach as she followed Isabela up the stairs, but it was gone as soon as they reached her room, forgotten in the way Isabela pulled her against her, breasts warm and soft, her hands running over the curve of her waist and her lips searing and hot. The kiss was different than their first one, and Adriene’s thoughts dissipated into nothing at the immediate passion and demand behind it. Isabela’s hands were on her face, holding her as she pushed Adriene backward towards the bed.

Laughter was in the back of her throat as she fell down, pulling Isabela with her, and Isabela’s laugh washed over her, burning and smooth like a shot of whiskey. The pirate straddled her hips, and Adriene ran her hands over her legs to find the bare skin atop the thigh-high boots. Isabela hummed contentedly against her lips as she trailed her hands higher beneath the long bodice Isabela so liked to wear, cupping her ass. The intoxicating feeling of lush roundness, of unexpected softness beneath her hands sent a rush of lust through her and she sighed into the kiss. A teasing, hungry glint was in Bela’s eyes as she sat up and, with quick, deliberate movements, took off her weapons and the blue scarf she kept wrapped around her hips, but when she started on her boots, Adriene stopped her.

“Leave them,” she said huskily, and Isabela paused in her movements, a slow smirk spreading over her lips.

“You like them?”

Adriene raised an eyebrow, the tip of her tongue running over her lips as she looked up at Isabela. “Come on, Bela, you know exactly what effect they have.”

The pirate laughed and slowly pulled on the laces of her bodice without taking her eyes off Adriene. “I do,” she smirked before she bent down to capture her lips again in a kiss.

Adriene’s head swam as she got lost in the touches and kisses, her hands busy on ridding Bela off the rest of her clothes, a moan falling from her lips as her hands found the heavy softness of her breasts when Isabela was finally naked, moving seductively against her.

“Oh, Adriene,” Isabela sighed into the curve of her neck as Adriene’s fingers closed around her nipple, a husky edge to her voice, pushing her hips against her in a slow rhythm. The next second, Adriene felt the sharp sting of teeth marking her neck and she yelped in surprise, Bela’s chuckle vibrating over her skin, smoothing the sensation over.

“You are horribly overdressed, seagull.” There was impatience in the way Isabela’s hands grabbed her tunic, pulling it up and over her head, and Adriene laughed when her hands got stuck in the sleeves.

“No, wait,” Bela suddenly said when Adriene wanted to sit up to free herself. She paused, looking up at her friend, arms stretched overhead, caught in the tunic. The smile Isabela gave her had something predatory as she purred, “Stay like this and let me admire you.”

Adriene no longer knew whether the slight dizziness spreading through her was from the alcohol or from Isabela’s touches as her friend slowly made her way down her body, freeing her from her breastband and then pulling her pants slowly down her legs. No inch of skin was untouched, fingers and lips, nips and licks heightening every sensation. When she was finally naked as well, lust was throbbing in her every vein and she had forgotten everything beyond this room, beyond the woman kissing her, touching her.

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” she breathed, her eyes bright as Isabela lay stretched next to her, finally freeing her hands. Her friend smiled, a promise in her eyes.

“We’re only getting started,” Isabela murmured, kissing her again. Adriene buried her hands in Bela’s locks, pulling her closer, closer, gasping as she felt a hand wandering down over her belly, parting her already moist locks to find the place where her lust was seated. Isabela caught her lower lip between her teeth, sucking slightly as she parted her folds, humming contentedly at the wetness she found. Then her fingers pressed down on her center, and Adriene moaned deeply into the kiss.

“Bela,” she moaned breathlessly, “oh, Bela…”

Her eyes fluttered close as Isabela’s fingers circled the hard nub, coaxing more and more desperate sounds from her throat as her lust swirled tightly, deep in her belly. Her thoughts were a disconnected string of  _ yes, please, Maker, more _ … and then, Isabela’s lips were wandering down her neck to her breasts, sucking a nipple into her mouth just as two fingers dipped into her, setting a slow, deep rhythm and Adriene arched into her touch with unrestrained moans. Her fingers scratched over Isabela’s shoulders as she felt her release inch closer and closer. And then, the fingers inside her curled up  _ just right  _ and she came with Isabela’s name on her lips.

When she was able to form coherent thoughts again, Isabela was grinning, her eyes dark with lust. “Ah, seagull, you are a beautiful sight when you let go,” she murmured, and Adriene huffed a breathless laugh, wiping a lock behind Bela’s ear. 

“Don’t think we’re done here,” she said, grabbing a handful of hair and pulled her back into a kiss. This time, it was her that made her way down Isabela’s body, the pirate’s enthusiastic sighs and the low cadence of her voice as she moaned and moved beneath her touches and kisses sending warm shivers over her back.

As requested, Isabela was still wearing her boots and Adriene hummed in anticipation as she saw her laying before her. The way her dark skin looked against the white sheets as she settled between her legs sent a surge of lust through her. As she kissed along the hem of Bela’s boots, she felt hands in her hair, urging her closer. There was a needy touch to the sighs falling from Isabela’s lips. Adriene smiled against her skin as she felt the tremble running over her as her mouth neared the center of Isabela’s arousal.

“Hawke, please,” Isabela pleaded and Adriene was only too happy to oblige, her tongue slowly parting her folds, moaning at the taste of her. “Seas, yes.” The sound of Isabela’s moans getting deeper and louder as Adriene found the little pearl nestled in the wet folds sent shivers of lust down her spine. She took her time, licking and sucking as Isabela nearly involuntarily thrust her hips against her. Only when she heard her breath hitch with a needy mewl, she pushed her fingers into her, feeling Isabela clench around her nearly immediately. The moan that fell from Isabela’s lips was nearly a sob as she came undone under Adriene’s ministrations.

A teasing, mischievous smile was on Adriene’s face when Isabela was coherent enough again to look at her. “Alright, seagull,” she panted, “I see what you meant when you said you hadn’t even gotten started.”

Adriene laughed, a gush of happiness flooding her. “Told you so,” she purred as she pulled Isabela into a close embrace, her fingers lazily wandering over her skin.

There was a tenderness to their kiss that hadn’t been there before, and Isabela’s body felt soft and warm against her as she moved slowly in her arms. For a moment, their eyes met and Adriene’s heart skipped a beat at the warm, soft way Isabela looked at her. Bela caressed her face, her fingertips softly wandering over her cheeks and over her neck, playing with her hair. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but seemed to think better of it and just smiled. Back was the charming seductiveness Adriene knew so well, and then Isabela was kissing her again.

“Night is still young. You’re not thinking of leaving, are you?” she whispered, and Adriene sighed a “No,” into the kiss.

“Good. ‘Cause I’m not done with you, sweet thing.”

When her hands wandered over Adriene’s shoulders to her waist, she was only too glad to stop thinking about the way her heart had sped up at the softness in Isabela’s eyes, at the eagerness and tenderness of her touches. But when she sighed her name when Bela kissed her neck, the pirate suddenly stopped. Adriene blinked confused. 

“Hey seagull. You’re not thinking of bringing ‘feelings’ into this, are you?” There was something in Isabela’s voice that felt off, a caution in her eyes that stood in strange contrast to the openness that had just been there.

“Uhm,” Adriene made, trying to think of something to say. There was a tightness in her heart that hadn’t been there a moment ago. The answer should be easy, shouldn’t it? Then why did she suddenly feel so vulnerable? “No, of course not,” she shook her head. “No strings attached, remember?”

Something in Isabela’s eyes made her pause, even though the smile she got seemed relieved. “Why?” Adriene asked. “Are you?”

“What? No, of course not!” Isabela exclaimed, the laugh that accompanied it somewhat forced. “Remember - ships, yes, relationships, no. I just wanted to make sure we’re still on the same page.”

For a moment, the silence between them seemed to settle heavy into the room, leeching away something of the heat that had been simmering in their every touch and look. But no, that was not how this was supposed to end. Adriene shook her head, taking a breath, and laid her hand on Isabela’s cheek.

“Bela, can’t we just ignore everything we just said for tonight? Can’t it be just the two of us right now and nothing else?” she asked, a pleading look in her eyes. She didn’t want to deal with the confusion and the darker emotions that threatened behind it. Not now. Not with Isabela in her arms and the pleasant warmth and relaxation of her touches, and the lingering shivers of their release still ghosting over her skin.

“I just don’t want to hurt you,” Isabela whispered and suddenly, Adriene felt tears pricking at the corner of her eyes. Quickly, she leaned forward, pressing her lips onto Isabela’s.

“You’re not,” she whispered into the kiss, closing her eyes. “Just kiss me.”

And Isabela did.


	12. Lantern Burns Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter marks three months of publishing! \o/  
> We're so happy to be able to share this story with you all - and believe us, the best is yet to come ;)
> 
> For sneak peeks and all the questions you have, come talk to us on [Tumblr](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com)

It had been a long month.

Their mother had still not stopped crying at night, and her talks with Adriene were sparse.

Not that Adriene was home much.

Blame bled into every word and gesture of Leandra’s, and it didn’t seem to matter that Adriene took job after job to make up _somehow_ for Carver and Cassia’s loss. To find something to ease the silence in their little home, to keep fresh candles on the altar and pay off the funeral fines. She had even taken one or two jobs for the templars, not wanting to waste all of Cassia’s work to put them in their good graces. She had still Bethany to think of, after all. Cullen had been hesitant at first, but she produced results, so he had even seemed sincere in his offer to give her notice if he had more opportunities to earn something as soon as he was back in town.

And the many jobs and the money coming from it kept Bethany home, enabled her to grieve and care for their mother.

Adriene grieved in her own way.

With drawn daggers and snarling lips, with jokes and flirts, too little sleep and too much wine, with nights lost in a stranger’s and that one time in Isabela’s arms. When she wasn’t fighting for money, she was at the Hanged Man, going over finances and plans with Corff. She still wasn’t quite over the fact that the tavern had belonged to Varric and that she now owned a part of it.

Actually, she still wasn’t over the fact that Varric had been the one with a will.

People were still coming to her with little stories and gifts that she gave away. They also still left things at Anders’ clinic. Its stores had been emptied shortly after the funeral, the potions and herbs distributed among those in Dark- and Lowtown who needed it, but the place itself had been left alone in respect for the healer who had done so much for them without asking for anything in return.

The gifts were what brought her back there every few nights, to collect and distribute what the people left, to see if there was someone waiting who needed help. It still hurt to walk towards the dark corner where the blue lantern used to burn.

Except it wasn’t dark tonight.

Adriene had stared at the blue light for several moments already.

At first, she thought it was a trick of the light. Then, that she saw things that weren’t there, which would be bad, but could probably be fixed with a night that consisted of more than two hours of uninterrupted sleep. Maybe she could curl on one of the empty pallets in the clinic for a while. But even as she blinked a few times, rubbing her eyes, pinching herself so hard that it would bruise, the lantern stayed lit.

There was only one explanation: someone had finally claimed the rooms for them. _Of course._ Adriene took a deep breath and shook her head, closing her eyes for a moment. Maybe there was even another healer, someone able to work with herbs and clean wounds at least. Or a midwife. Both would be welcome, and Adriene felt a slight curiosity at who would take up Anders’ work. She should say hello.

She rolled out her shoulders and took another breath. Then she walked with firm, quick steps to the door and opened it, her free hand on one dagger in case they were bandits after all.

The room was lit by two or three of the lanterns that hadn’t been stolen, and three people were inside.

A woman with long, white hair. A dwarf with a crossbow. A healer with glowing hands, taking care of some wound on Cassia’s _, no,_ the woman’s arm.

Adriene froze and stared.

This was wrong. This was _wrong_.

She had to have made some kind of noise, maybe Cassia’s name, maybe a sob, she didn’t know, but Varric turned and looked at her. He looked hollow and pale, as if he'd been exhausted for too long.

"Twirly!" he said with relief, and it was enough to break her heart all over again.

“But you’re dead,” she whispered, her eyes flickering from Varric to Anders, then to her sister. “You’re dead! I burned you!”

For a moment, everything froze. Cassia stared at her sister. How many nights had she lain awake, dreaming of seeing her again? When they had finally gotten close to the city, Cassia had almost abandoned the other two, wanting to break into a run to get to their home as quickly as possible. Anders and Varric had talked her out of it. Even after they had crossed the city walls, they had convinced her to come here first. It was in the middle of the night, after all, everyone was most likely asleep and they all had injuries to treat after having run out of potions days ago already. But everything in Cassia yearned to run to her uncle’s doorstep at the first opportunity. She was home. They were home. Finally. 

“It took us three weeks to make it back, you can wait another hour until I have fixed you up,” Anders had chided her, and Cassia had seen the logic in that, but it hadn’t helped her growing restlessness. She had been almost vibrating under his touch, waiting for the moment he would tell her he was done so she could jump up and hurry home. But now, Adriene was here. She was standing right there in the door, looking like she had seen a ghost, and Cassia couldn’t stop herself any longer. Impatiently, she pushed Anders’ arm away, jumped off the table she was sitting on and ran the last few steps until she could crash into Adriene.

Arms tight around her, Cassia held her sister like her life depended on it. There were tears of elation in her eyes at the familiar feeling and Cassia had no energy to even try and hold them back. “Adriene,” she whispered, tears falling freely. “Maker be praised for finally guiding me home.”

Instinctively, Adriene closed her arms around Cassia, but it was only when she heard her voice that she realized that this was no dream. No vision. She wasn’t a ghost that would pass through her or vanish, no.

Cassia was back.

She was  _back_!

“Cassy?” she whispered, her vision blurry, and her sister nodded against her.

“I’m really here,” Cassia said, and something inside Adriene settled back into the place it belonged.

“Cassia!” The name broke from her with a sob, “Cassia…” She clung to her twin as if nothing else mattered but her, hot tears streaming down her face, the first she had cried since the horrible message had reached her. She wept openly, not letting go of Cassia, even as her legs would no longer hold her and she sank to her knees.

“I thought you were dead,” she sobbed, and then a laugh mixed into the tears, “but I didn’t want to believe it.” She gently pushed her sister away so she could look into her eyes, her tears making way for the blazing happiness inside her. Her hand touched Cassia’s face as if she had to make sure she was really, truly all her, and she laughed between tears. “You’re back!”

Cassia didn't even care that they were not alone, she just clung to her sister, letting herself weep along with her. For the first time in weeks, she felt like everything was going to be alright again. When Adriene drew away from her, Cassia couldn’t help but grab for one of her hands, holding it like a lifeline.

“I’m back,” she answered, laughter bubbling up through her tears as well. “We made it!”

Cassia wanted nothing more than to just stay in this moment. Right now. Seeing the happiness on Adriene’s face, not caring a single bit about the rest of the world. But it was only a matter of time until Adriene would take a good look around the clinic and realize that there should be another person here with them that wasn’t. 

“Adriene,” she said softly. “We made it. Us three,” she nodded in the direction of Varric and Anders. “But Carver…”

She could see her sister’s face freeze momentarily before it fell.

“We don’t actually know if he is alive,” she said, holding her sister’s hand tightly in her own. “He got hurt by the Darkspawn, contracting the taint…” She felt her own voice become shaky again at the memory. “Anders thinks there is hope, though. There were Wardens, they took him with them…”

“What…” Adriene stared at Cassia, and the happiness she had felt just a minute ago dimmed again. “Oh no,” she whispered, “no no no.” She covered her eyes with one hand, her head sinking against Cassia’s shoulder. “That was what Bethany felt. Fuck.”

She felt Cassia’s arms around her again, and there were no words, just the pain between them. But Cass was here. And there was hope for Carver. Adriene looked up again, then she stood, pulling Cassia up with her. “He’s with the Wardens, yes?”

For the first time since she had hugged Cassia, she looked to Anders, who was looking at them with tears in his eyes and a half-smile, and she smiled back, wiping the tears from her cheek. “You’re a Warden, Anders. Does he have a chance?”

Anders sniffled and nodded. “He does. Carver’s strong. I think he made it.”

Adriene let go of Cassia’s hand and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in his shoulder for a moment as he pulled her close. “I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you. I missed you so much,” she murmured, laying her hand on his cheek for a moment before she pulled back and went to Varric, hugging him close, too.

“I’m still on the fence, though, whether I should give you the Hanged Man back,” she said, laughing under tears again.

Varric groaned. “Oh no. I forgot about the will.”

“You had a will?” Anders asked, clearing his throat, and Adriene laughed again as Varric shook his head.

“I did,” the dwarf confessed, grumbling. “But if they opened it, there must have been a funeral. I hope you made it something to talk about, Twirly.”

Adriene nodded, wiping an arm over her eyes. “I did. There were… many people. I think you’ll have to talk to your publisher, Varric, he was very upset about you not finishing that last book, I think? And I…” Suddenly, she paused, her eyes widening as she looked to Cassia in shock.

“Oh no! I burned your lute.”

“My lute? Why would you burn my lute?” Cassia was confused for a moment before what Varric had said sank in. “Oh,” she breathed. “Of course, the funeral...” She felt tears well up in her eyes again, realizing that everyone in Kirkwall that she knew had not just deemed them missing, they had been convinced they were dead. Adriene had believed, truly believed that she had died down there. She should have understood at her sister’s first words but somehow it hadn’t really reached her until now.

Wordlessly, she went over to Adriene, hugging her fiercely. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” she whispered. “And don’t worry about the lute, I can get another one.” Once more she tightened her embrace before letting go again. “Because despite one very treacherous dwarf, who I am still going to hunt down mind you, we didn’t just survive.”

Cassia sent a look Varric’s way, and he nodded. “You can get in line behind me for that,” he said grimly.

They would have to deal with Bartrand, but right now, Cassia was glad that for once she could bring her sister absolutely amazing news. “Anyway,” her attention was on Adriene again. “Let me tell you the one good thing about being locked up in a tomb and having to find an alternate way out. Guess who stumbled over an ancient treasury while fighting their way out again…” She beamed at her sister who was looking at her, absolutely stunned. “We did,” Cassia exclaimed. “Adriene, we are filthy rich!”

“And when you say ‘filthy rich’ you mean…” Adriene started disbelievingly.

Cassia grinned. “I mean  _filthy_ rich. Disgustingly rich. Buying the mansion and furnishing it and clad ourselves in nothing but silk for the rest of our lives rich.”

Adriene’s mouth dropped open, and she looked at Varric and Anders for confirmation who both mirrored Cassia’s grin. Varric nodded and shrugged, fiddling with the sleeve of his jacket.

“I’m gonna buy my own publishing house,” he said casually, and that was the last confirmation Adriene needed. With a sound that sounded suspiciously like a squeaking nug, she turned back to Cassia and flung her arms around her neck, laughing and cheering wordlessly. It took her a moment to rein her excitement back in and she said, “But wait, just one question.”

Cassia nodded, still grinning over both ears, and Adriene said, “Why in the Maker’s name would I clad myself in silk? Do you know how hard it is to get blood stains out of silk? Or wine? Or anything fun really?”

Her sister’s laugh was like music in her ears, and even though there was the dark stain of Carver’s loss nagging at her heart, right at this moment, she could be nothing but happy. Again, she hugged Cassia, feeling like she would never let go of her twin again. “I still can’t believe I have you back!” Her arm still around her sister, she turned to her friends. “We’ll have to get the gang together, tomorrow, yes? Filthy riches need to be spent on a disgustingly delicious welcome-back-meal and barrels of wine and beer and the whole of Lowtown will want to be there, trust me!”

Adriene’s suggestion received nothing but cheerful agreement. Cassia couldn’t help herself but keep close to her sister. Not wanting to let go of her or this cheerful moment even for a second. But there still was a sense of urgency in her. Bethany and her mother. They were most likely asleep but Cassia still couldn’t wait to see them again. 

“Anders, am I patched up enough to be allowed to go home now?” she asked, a hint of impatience in her voice. For a second, he looked like he wanted to object but then he nodded at her with a smile.

“Come by tomorrow if anything still hurts,” he said kindly. “I know how impatient you’ve been, go see the rest of your family.”

Cassia beamed at Adriene. “They are probably all asleep, but…”

“This warrants waking up everyone, absolutely!” Adriene assured her, putting an arm around Cassia’ before she waved at both Anders and Varric. “I’ll see you two tomorrow. We have a huge party to plan!”

Laughter and heartfelt good nights followed them as they stepped outside, arm in arm, and Cassia knew from Adriene’s laughter in her ear and the warm embrace around her that she was finally home.


	13. Homecoming

Being back in Kirkwall was not what Cassia had expected it to be. 

Somehow, the idea of coming home had been rather vague. An expectation of finally feeling right again, the promise of warmth and safety. It had been the driving force behind almost everything during their trip down into the Deep Roads. But when it actually happened? It didn’t feel at all like Cassia had thought it would.

Of course, their coming home had been happy in a way. Seeing her sisters again, the fierce hug from her mother, the fun get-together with their friends the next day… All of those moments had been wonderful. And yet, Cassia found herself constantly feeling on edge. Feeling unwell, tired, exhausted most days while lying awake on nights like this, unable to keep her head from venturing back to empty underground halls and dark dwellings. When she went to bed and closed her eyes, she saw the darkspawn moving in on them. Saw almost in slow motion how they surrounded her brother, how her barrier around him broke under the strain... If she managed to push those thoughts away, she saw that strange entity again; the demon encased in rocks, listening to its offers of salvation. The promises it had made them…

Cassia had been certain that most of them had been nothing but lies. Not a single trustworthy word had been spoken by the creature. And yet, she remembered the desperation of being trapped underground all too well. How it had led her to almost stop caring. She had been grateful that Carver’s temper had flared up, rejecting anything the demon could offer outright before her mind had been able to tear itself away from thoughts about dying in dark pits. And then it had been Carver out of all people who had paid the price for their freedom after all.

No, coming home was not at all what Cassia had wanted it to be. There was a huge sense of relief, but it felt nothing like the triumphant return she had imagined. Instead, they had crawled out of the dark, arriving home exhausted, beaten down. Broken. Cassia sighed quietly into the dark of the night. They had survived. And with every time she reminded herself of that fact, she felt a little less glad about that and a lot more guilty.

Her fingers tingled with a surge of cold magic as she fought back a sob. It wouldn’t do to wake up Adriene or Bethany. They would only ask her what was wrong, and Cassia didn’t know how to tell them that it was her. She was what was wrong. The wrong sibling returning home. 

Caver had had so many plans. After so much time feeling undecided about what to do with his future, things had finally started to look up when they had left for the expedition. He was as excited to go as Cassia was, full of optimism that they could turn their lives around. And now… 

Another brief surge of magic, and Cassia flinched silently as she felt her skin start to blister under the ice. Her emotions had always impacted her magic to a degree that it had kept her parents worried about her control. Excitement, sorrow, despair, they all seemed to bring out magic she sometimes felt unable to control. Not for the first time, Cassia cursed the fact that she had any magic at all. It had never quite worked for her as it did for Bethany. Technique, control, and power had always come to her sister on its own. Bethany had been natural at everything magic-related. Unlike Cassia, who kept feeling like the magic inside her was in a constant struggle, almost in a state of war with herself. She had learned over time to keep the moments of involuntary magic to a minimum. Distancing herself from any strong feelings as best as she could had helped to keep it at bay. Had made her family proud of her for finally mastering control over her abilities. 

But Cassia knew the truth. That what looked like control from the outside was anything but. It was more of a careful avoidance of anything that could get her too invested, too emotional. And now the Deep Roads had changed something. Made it harder to stay afloat over the sea of emotions. 

Softly, she got out of bed and threw on some clothes. She took care to step lightly, not wanting to wake her sisters or King Barkistair, who was deeply asleep right next to the front door. Outside, Cassia took a deep breath before she started walking, her mind wandering as aimlessly as her feet. Ever since they came back, Cassia felt even more torn about everything she had looked forward to before. She had been hesitant to go to the Gallows, but it had quickly become a moot point when her sister told her that there would be no additional jobs because the Knight-Captain had left the city for an unforeseeable period of time. Cullen was gone, and Cassia knew on a rational level that she should take this as a sign. It was a good thing after all. _‘Maybe we can spend more time together.’_ It had been a nice thought and in her almost euphoric state of mind, Cullen’s words had sounded nothing but wonderful. However the more time passed, the more Cassia was aware again of just how bad an idea that would really be. She should stay away from the Gallows and especially from him, no matter how much she missed him. No matter the feelings every thought about him stirred in her. She should do her best and forget about him.

She was almost surprised when she realized where she had gone to. The lantern at Anders’ place wasn’t lit, but there was a shimmer of light coming through one of the windows. Cassia knocked briefly before simply going inside. He was still working on something, some potion mixing, as she came in.

“It’s the middle of the night, did something happen?” he asked immediately when he saw her. Worry was all over his face, and Cassia didn’t know what to say. Why was she even here? She hadn’t really thought about it much after leaving her home. She had just started walking until she had ended up at his clinic, without a clear reason for being here. They hadn’t really talked about what had happened between them in the Deep Roads so far. When she started fidgeting, her bruised hand made her flinch again. Almost relieved, she held it up, showing him the hurt skin. Her fingers still had a slightly blue tint from all the cold magic. Maybe he could help her. She had tried to explain her issues to Bethany once, but her sister couldn’t relate at all, had been unable to help her or even give her advice. Maybe Anders could.

“I need help,” she said simply, and to her relief, Anders was at her side in no time, taking a closer look at her hand.

“Did you go overboard with the magic again?” he asked, obviously trying to make it sound light, but there was an underlying tone in his voice that Cassia couldn’t quite place. It did not sound comforting, though.

“You could say that, in a way,” she mumbled. How to explain this without making herself look completely incompetent? 

Before she could start though, Anders sighed. “I wondered if this would become a problem in the Deep Roads,” he said quietly as he began healing her hand, and Cassia’s eyes widened. He had noticed? 

“How? When?” she asked.

Anders gave her a droll look. “Frozen hands on bare skin are pretty noticeable, Cassia. And then later, when we fought the darkspawn…”

His last words managed to completely push away the slight sense of embarrassment she had felt. “I didn’t have any issues when fighting,” she insisted.

Anders obviously disagreed. “Of course you did. You didn’t even notice?” He looked like he was half expecting her to not be serious about this before he shook his head in disbelief. “Your casting was volatile, there was stray magic everywhere, and I think you took more lyrium than I’ve ever seen someone use in a single battle…”

Cassia was floored, unsure what he was even talking about. Sure, the fights had been intense and absolutely exhausting, but thanks to the lyrium potions they had carried, they had been just on the side of manageable. 

“I got a bit winded towards the end, I admit,” she said carefully, “But I don’t think it was that bad.” Her mind went back to the battle, the barrier around Carver breaking apart. She remembered how she had fumbled for another potion, feeling so drained already. She pushed the image aside again.

Now it was Anders who was raising his eyebrows at her. “Not that bad? Look, Cassia, if it had been a one-time thing, I’d have said nothing, but I watched you fight several times down there, and I am telling you, there is definitely a problem.” 

She didn’t quite know how to react to that. She had thought about asking him for help for her random magic outbursts, but now he was telling her there was an entirely different problem?

“I haven’t changed anything,” she insisted. “I fought like I always did.”

Anders shook his head again. “I figured, which is why I also know that you have absolutely no idea how to pace yourself.” 

She knew he probably meant this as helpful advice, but his words sounded incredibly harsh to her and she swallowed.

“Cassia, when you fight it’s like your magic, your  _everything_ , is almost completely unhinged,” Anders continued, unaware of her reaction. “It’s like you want far too much way too fast and you burn through your magic like it’s nothing. You need to stay more in control of it.”

Cassia snorted. Wasn’t that just the issue she had wanted to bring up in the first place? But something in the way Anders talked just felt off to her. Like he, too, was expecting her to simply _be_ more in control. _‘You always want too much’,_ and _‘you don’t know how to do things in moderation’_ had been sentences she had heard so many times before.

“You sound a lot like my father right now,” she mumbled before pulling her by now fully healed hand back. “Which, I have to say, is an awkward thought, given how well acquainted we got in the Deep Roads.” 

Her try at making a lighthearted joke went nowhere as Anders’ face changed, and he suddenly looked almost uncomfortable.

“About that…” he started, and Cassia felt her stomach drop at the realization that now that she had brought this up, they would have to talk about what happened.

“I’m sorry for what happened down there,” Anders said, and she gave him a curious look. 

“You’re sorry?” She wasn’t sure how she should take this. “What for? Why?”

Anders, all of a sudden, looked more shut off than she had ever seen him before. “I’m sorry for taking advantage of you in that situation. I shouldn’t have done that, and I wanted to apologize for that mistake.”

Mistake? 

Cassia wasn’t even sure what she had expected from any sort of talk about what had happened. They didn’t even get along most of the time. And yet, for a brief moment down there, it obviously hadn’t mattered. She had been able to forget everything else for the time she had been with him. Everyone else. Her family at home, Bartrand’s betrayal, her infatuation with someone she really shouldn’t pursue… for a while, it all had been pushed aside. 

Why was she even upset at his rather dismissive words? It wasn’t like there had been any ambitions to pursue anything with him from her side. Should she assure him that he needn't worry? Or should she push for a better explanation? 

Not for the first time, the unbidden thought welled up that life would have been so much easier if she could have actually fallen for someone like Anders. There was no need to hide her magic from him. On the contrary, he knew all about it. She wouldn’t be judged for being a mage by him, and despite all their differences, she knew he had his heart in the right spot. He had seemed interested enough for a moment in the Deep Roads, and his _distraction_ had been more than sufficient. It would probably make forgetting someone else easier too. Then again, even if he hadn’t just declared that night a mistake it would have been deeply unfair to try and use him like that. Especially when her mind kept going back to someone else again and again.

Cassia felt uneasy about the mere thought. Even just in theory, just deliberating, this didn’t feel like her at all. She could feel her fingertips already going cold again, taking a step back.

“Alright, thank you for clearing that up,” she said, ignoring her thoughts that seemed to be all over the place and trying to sound as neutral as she could. 

Anders seemed like he wanted to say something else, but then his eyes fell back onto her hand, and he frowned.

“You have to learn better control, Cassia,” he said, sounding insistent. “What if this happens around the wrong person?”

Instinctively, she put her hands behind her back, trying to clamp down on her magic with all that she had.

“I know,” she hissed. “Why do you think I told you about this in the first place?” 

Cassia knew she was being unfair at this moment. It wasn’t Anders’ fault that she had issues with her magic after all. She sighed quietly.

“Look, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to snap at you, but I am very aware of this. I have been for years. I know my magic is a problem!”

“No,” Anders shook his head. “It’s not! Magic is not a problem that you have to solve, Cassia!”

There they were again, at the point where their views differed so fundamentally that it seemed impossible to find common ground. She let out a dry laugh.

“Of course it’s a problem,” she insisted. “It has been nothing _but_ a problem for the last thirteen years.” 

She could see in his eyes that he did not understand her stance at all. And why would he? He was totally in control of everything he did magically, and he used it to help people. He was a healer, for Andraste’s sake. Of course he would see magic as a gift. It probably actually was one for him. Something he cherished. But it also made him unable to see that someone might not share his perception. On the contrary, Cassia’s stance on magic regularly made him irritable and upset. This time, it was no different.

“Here we go again,” Anders mumbled. It wasn’t the first time they had this argument. The last one had been shortly before they went into the Deep Roads and it had ended with him claiming that she was a prime example as to why Chantry teachings were a horrible influence on any mage. After that, they hadn’t talked to each other at all until their trip began. 

“Magic is not a problem,” he insisted again, sounding a lot less calm than he had before. “If it becomes one, then only because you turn it into one.”

“Excuse me?” Cassia wasn’t sure that she had heard him right, but Anders’ angry expression left no doubt that she had.

“You heard me,” he said, his eyes narrowed. “Your magic is completely fine, the problem is you.”

His words hit her like a physical blow, and she felt the ice in her hands behind her back burst and fall to the ground in small, shattered pieces. 

Anders seemed to realize just what he had said only seconds later, and his face fell.

“Cassia, that’s not what I meant to say!” he said, sounding apologetic all of a sudden. “What I mean is that it is something you can work on…”

“Don’t worry,” she interrupted him tonelessly. “I understood what you meant.” And on a certain level, she did. It was about her inability to control her magic after all. His words had sounded sharp like a knife, but they were not untrue. Every mage she had met thought more like Anders than they thought like her. They all saw magic as something beautiful. Something good. It drove home once again just how alone she was with her view. Anders was right, it wasn’t the magic that was wrong. It was her.

“I need to go,” Cassia said quietly before Anders could start to explain in even more detail what he thought her problem was. “Thank you for healing my hand.”

When she turned around, determined to leave his clinic as fast as possible, she felt herself sway, a sudden bout of dizziness hitting her out of nowhere. Before she could even try and reach for anything to keep her from stumbling, she felt Anders’ arms around her, steadying her.

“Anything else you want to tell me?” he asked, concern back in his voice. “You are clearly not well!”

With a frustrated sigh, Cassia shook her head, not even thinking about protesting when he gently pushed her towards one of the cots until she sat down on it. 

“The last few days have not been good,” she admitted quietly.

Their earlier fight completely forgotten for now, Anders looked at her with worry in his eyes. “You look far paler than usual,” he said with a shake of his head. “Tell me what’s been bothering you. Anything out of the ordinary.” While he spoke, his hand on her shoulder nudged her to lie down. Cassia felt relief run through her as she let her eyes fall shut and the feeling of the room spinning around her finally lessened.

“It’s nothing big,” she started. She almost felt like she should excuse herself and tell him that he shouldn’t worry too much about her - after all, it wasn’t like she actually felt sick. But then again, she was here already and maybe he could help her with this instead of her magical problem at least.

“I have trouble sleeping ever since we came back from the Deep Roads,” she mumbled. “I feel dizzy now and then, probably because of the lack of sleep, and sometimes, I have trouble keeping food down. Which most likely doesn’t help the dizziness.” Was there something else? Cassia knew there was, but she felt ridiculous to say it like it was in any way a symptom. Then again, Anders clearly wanted to know what things were different than usual. Softly, she added, “Remember how I felt in the Deep Roads? I mean before we…” She swallowed. “I feel that way, that extreme, much more often now.”

When she carefully opened her eyes again, Anders was already checking her over. She could see the look of concentration on his face that was always there when he was with a patient, but there was also something else. Sympathy and worry.

“Much more often?” he asked carefully, and when Cassia nodded, he sighed. “Anything in pain? Sometimes or constantly?” he asked, and Cassia nodded again.

“My back. I think the sleeping on stone floors in the Deep Roads really left an impression.” She tried to sound lighthearted, but all she could manage was to sound as tired as she felt. Anders’ seemed to be in deep thoughts before his eyes widened suddenly. 

“You have an idea what’s wrong?” She had honestly thought that it was rather unlikely for all the things that bothered her to be connected. Had assumed she just had some difficulties getting used to being home.

“I do,” he said, sounding carefully neutral. “Cassia, when was the last time you bled?”

For a short moment, she couldn’t follow him. Couldn't make sense of what he was asking her. Why he was asking her. Her heart started to beat slightly faster as she thought back. When indeed? When she realized the answer, she swallowed before speaking quietly, “I think about two weeks before we went into the Deep Roads…” 

The magnitude of what his question meant felt almost too daunting to even think about, but it wasn’t like she could just ignore this. It had been months ago after all. Her eyes widening, she looked up at him. 

“When we… down in the Deep Roads…” She couldn't even finish her sentence, her thoughts already racing, but Anders shook his head.

“Very unlikely,” he said immediately. “Being a Warden comes with certain… downsides. I’d like to check something with magic.” He waited for her to nod in affirmation before continuing. Above her, his hands started glowing as he began to let his magic work. It didn’t take him long to find the answer he was looking for. 

“I know, it’s probably not something you want me to ask, but did you have sex with someone at the beginning of our trip or directly before?” When she didn’t answer immediately, he explained, “We only slept with each other a couple of weeks ago and from what I can feel by magic, you are much further along.”

Much further along? Cassia felt something ice cold run down her back. 

“Are you absolutely certain of that?” she asked tonelessly, and the look on Anders’ face confirmed her thoughts before he could even say anything. 

“Crap,” she cursed quietly, closing her eyes again. There was only one possibility after all, and nothing about that situation had even the slightest chance of turning into something good. For a second, she asked herself just how she could have been that thoughtless. That careless. She had berated herself often enough already for her own recklessness in not keeping her distance from Cullen after she had found out who he was. But in all her thoughts about just how precarious her situation would be if she were discovered, she hadn't even spent a single thought about taking precautions against _this_. 

“The good thing I can tell you is that there is nothing wrong with you,” Anders said kindly. “Nothing that some rest and maybe a small change of diet can’t help you with. You are otherwise completely healthy.”

Cassia sat up again, running her hands through her hair, not knowing where to look for a moment. “But I’m pregnant…” she said lowly. “For sure?”

With a quiet sigh, Anders sat down next to her, and a moment later, there was a supportive arm around her shoulders. “Positive. There is no doubt about it.” He waited for a moment, letting his words sink in again before he asked, “Do you remember when the last time was that you…”

He didn’t finish the sentence as Cassia winced at his words. She remembered. In fact, there had barely been a night since then that she didn’t remember that day in Cullen’s office. No matter how much she tried not to think about it.

“About two days before we left for the Deep Roads,” she answered Anders’ question, looking straight ahead. What was she supposed to do now? Thoughts about her family went through her head. What would her mother say? And Adriene? Bethany? She couldn't imagine her mother specifically being anything but incredibly disappointed with her. Especially in this situation, Cassia realized. She would be unable to tell them who the father was, after all. The thought about Cullen had her heart almost stand still. He deserved to know. But there was no way she could tell him, wasn’t there? Even if he were in Kirkwall, how could she risk… 

“Cassia, what is the matter?” Anders asked, obviously seeing the look of distress on her face. “I am guessing this has not even remotely been in your plans, but there is no reason to panic,” he assured her in his most calming healer voice. “You are both completely healthy, you and the little one, and everything else you can take one step at a time, alright?” From the way his arm tightened around her to his tone, Cassia could feel he had experience with this. She looked at her hands lying in her lap. Her fingertips again covered by a sheen of ice. Anders followed her look, and she felt his hand squeeze her arm reassuringly. 

“We’ll figure out what to do about that as well. But I doubt it will pose complications. You are not the first pregnant mage in my care after all,” he said, trying to sound encouraging.

Cassia appreciated his try at lifting her mood, but while he was most likely right about that, she might probably be the most stupid pregnant mage he ever had in his clinic.

As if he knew where her mind was at, he asked just at that moment, “I am guessing you know who the father is, right?”

For a short moment, Cassia wasn’t sure how to react, and before she could even think about it, she felt the tears welling up. She tried to stop herself, tried to force them back down, but it was no use. With a sob, she let her head sink against his shoulder.

“I did something really stupid,” she confessed, shutting her eyes tightly to keep more tears from spilling.

“Cassia,” Anders said, his voice kinder than she ever heard it before, “whatever it is, it cannot be that bad.”

“You won’t be so calm and understanding if I tell you…” Cassia murmured.

“This is about the father then?” Anders asked carefully. “I am sure that whatever it is, it cannot be…” He stopped talking all of a sudden, and she could feel him slightly tense for a moment. “Cassia, tell me you did not do what I am thinking you did right now…”

There was a small wave of disbelief in his voice, and Cassia was certain that he made the correct assumption. Cassia didn’t go out on her own after all, and they shared a friend circle. He knew that none of their shared friends would be someone Cassia would worry about. Just as he knew the kind of person she was in contact with that he didn’t approve of.

“You slept with a templar?” he asked, his voice a peculiar mixture of resignation and disbelief. Hearing Anders of all people say those words out loud had Cassia flinch again before she nodded.

“I know what you are going to say…” she started, but Anders immediately interrupted her.

“Was it consensual? Or did someone force you?” His voice sharpened as he asked, causing Cassia to pause.

She hadn’t known what he was going to say after all. But after a brief moment of being taken aback, she realized that it would make absolute sense for him to wonder.

“No one forced me,” she assured him and she could feel his relief through his embrace.

“Thank the Maker for small mercies,” Anders mumbled. “You are also not the first mage in my care that got pregnant by a templar.” The way he said it was almost casual, but Cassia knew exactly what he meant. He shook his head as if to shake off the unpleasant thought as he continued, “Though I am guessing it was unplanned if you didn’t take any precautions?”

Cassia nodded again. “To be honest, I think I was so preoccupied with worrying about not being discovered as a mage, I simply forgot to worry about anything else,” she admitted with a sigh before she explained further, “And I hadn’t planned on anything like that at all, it was a spontaneous thing in his office when I went to say goodbye.”

For a moment, Anders didn’t say anything but he also didn’t pull away from her and he wasn’t yelling. That was a good sign in Cassia’s book. She had half expected him to give her an entire speech about just how stupid she had been. Suddenly, he tensed again.

“Wait, in his office? Went to say goodbye?” Anders drew slightly back until he could actually look at Cassia. With an incredulous look, he asked, “You slept with the Knight-Captain? With Cullen?” The disbelief in Anders’ voice rang in her ears as he shook his head. “He still has a thing for mages I see,” he mumbled more to himself than to her.

Cassia swallowed, not sure how to take that last remark. “Is this the part where the yelling starts?” she asked quietly, refusing to meet his eyes. When the yelling didn’t come, though, she looked up regardless. There was disbelief in Anders’ eyes and a hefty dose of confusion, but the expected disappointment wasn’t there. Instead, he sighed.

“From your look, there is nothing I can tell you that you probably haven’t told yourself already,” he simply said before shaking his head. 

“I have no idea what I should do now,” Cassia admitted quietly, grateful for the way he still had his arm around her, giving her something to hold on to. “I can’t even think about telling him. I mean, not that that would be an option, I have no idea where he is…” She shook her head. “And my mother…” 

Leandra was in the process of buying back the Amell mansion, constantly talking about her efforts and plans to re-establish her standing among the Kirkwall nobility. This would be a blow her mother wouldn’t take lightly, Cassia was sure of it. 

“As a healer you know I have to tell you that there are other options, right?” Anders said still quietly, and Cassia nodded absentmindedly. 

“I know, I could hide away for a few months, give the child up for adoption and then come back from a prolonged vacation, right?” she said slowly. She had seen the same thing happening to a noble daughter from a family she had worked for in her first year in Kirkwall. It didn’t feel like an option she could even remotely consider if she was honest with herself.

“That, too,” Anders’ agreed. “But that’s not what I was trying to say. I meant there are options if you decide that you do not want to be pregnant anymore.”

He sounded very detached, almost neutral at those words, but they still hit Cassia like a brick as she realized what he meant.

“No,” was her immediate answer, before she could even spend an additional thought on it. “I mean, I know what you mean but… no!”

Cassia had absolutely no idea what she was supposed to do now, but her reaction had been instinctive and heartfelt. That was absolutely no option for her. 

Anders had done his best to not let any judgment show, but Cassia could still see that he was somewhat relaxing at her answer. He had pulled her against him again, caressing her arm in soothing gestures.

“I know everything seems daunting right now, but you don’t have to take on everything at the same time,” he said quietly, but with a determination to pull her out of her spiraling thoughts. “For now, I’m going to give you something for your general health, and a potion to let you sleep, and tomorrow, we’ll talk about how you can change your diet to make sure you are both healthy.”

Cassia was nodding along instinctively as Anders talked about the next steps. “Taking this one day at a time?”

“For now? Yes,” he nodded. “Let’s first make sure you feel better, and then we can tackle all the other problems, alright?” 

Cassia felt the exhaustion come back stronger than before, even as the tension went out of her and she quietly agreed. The moment she opened her mouth, she had to yawn.

“Come on,” Anders said, “it’s the middle of the night, you can sleep here, I’ll get you a bed ready.”

Cassia wanted to protest for a moment, but then again, she hadn’t been able to sleep at home at all, and the thought of walking through the city again right now was not a pleasant one. 

“Thank you,” she said instead.

“Don’t worry about it,” Anders assured her. “I’m here to help, and it’s really no trouble.”

It didn’t take long for him to have the potions ready for her, and after a short discussion about how there was no way he would let her sleep on one of the patients’ cots, Cassia felt the sleeping potion take effect as she slowly drifted away. She could still hear him continue his work in the main room as she fell asleep in his bed, her last thoughts being about the fact that despite how often they fought, she was damn lucky to have a friend like him.


	14. Someone to Confide In

The next couple of days, nothing went on as usual.

The unrest she had felt since they came back was even stronger than before. Anders had warned her that it would take some time for her to get used to everything that was happening to her, both physically and mentally speaking, but Cassia was not a very patient person. Waiting around for something to change for the better really wasn’t her strong suit.

One step at a time. That’s what she and Anders had agreed on. She wasn’t showing yet. She could afford to take a few days to get used to the thought of being pregnant and start sorting out her own feelings before she started telling people. It didn’t completely quell her anxiousness about the situation, though. Moments where she lost the tiniest bit of control over her powers became more and more frequent, and Cassia tried her best to hide both her magic issues and what was weighing on her mind from her family. 

No one saw her leaving her bed in the middle of the night to wander around the city, ending up in Anders’ clinic whenever she felt the feeling of sickness rise up again. Ironically, she spent more time in the Hanged Man as well. She had never been one for too much company before, but it somehow helped to ignore her head when the noise around her became louder than her thoughts. 

Despite not confiding in anyone, Cassia noticed that she definitely wasn’t alone. Anders was not the only person in her friend circle that noticed that something was going on. Isabela had asked several times, in her usual playful way, if Cassia needed a shoulder to cry on. And even though Isabela had said it with a twinkle in her eyes, Cassia knew there was an underlying honesty to her offer. Varric kept inviting her to more card games than usual, his own way of showing he cared. That it was Fenris out of all people who actually outright said something to her surprised her, though.

It had gotten surprisingly quiet in the Hanged Man over the last half hour. Many of the usual patrons had called it a night and it was the middle of the week, so people went home early enough to still get some sleep. Some of them did at least. Cassia was definitely not among them, far too busy avoiding going home. Somehow, her worries were always worse when she was lying at home in bed, trying to sleep. 

On this particular night, it was only Fenris and her who were still sitting at their regular table in the Hanged Man, long after everyone else had left. Varric had excused himself with an early business meeting in the morning, Isabela had accompanied Merrill to make sure she got home alright, Aveline, ever so dutiful, had left at her usual time, and Adriene hadn’t even shown up tonight. Probably stuck at a more involved job.  Anders had already left after the first drink. After they had come back from the Deep Roads, it had taken Isabela frighteningly little time to figure out what had happened between them, and her teasing, while good-natured, seemed to strike a not so relaxed chord with him. 

The conversation had died down a while ago, both drinking in mutual silence until the need for new drinks arose.  When Cassia got up to get them another round, Fenris followed her with his eyes. Wondering. Something about her felt off. Not for the first time, he noticed. He could imagine that an experience of being trapped beneath the ground, betrayed by someone they trusted, would leave its mark, but the story all of them had told had not sounded overly dramatic, with the exception of losing Carver, of course. So what was it that kept Cassia so unhappy?

Could it be that she was still overcome with grief for her brother? It was something Fenris couldn’t relate to. Having someone like that, a sibling, a relative in his life that meant as much to him as the Hawkes seemed to mean to each other. He had felt similarly lost when trying to console Adriene. How could he even begin to dare to offer comfort for a loss he couldn’t even imagine?

Cassia was back at their table, and they kept drinking in silence. When looking at her, he could see how tired she was. No, not just tired, exhausted. Almost as if she was sick. Maybe the memories of the Deep Roads kept her up at night? Cassia had kept mostly quiet the entire evening though, he wasn’t sure if he should ask.

“It’s past midnight already,” he said instead. “When you want to leave, I can escort you home.”

She sent him an odd look, laughing slightly. “I literally live next door. Like, you can see my house from the doorway.” She took another large sip of her drink when Fenris just shrugged.

“Doesn’t matter, your sister would probably feel better if you don’t wander through Lowtown alone at night.”

“Right, so you're escorting me home for her? How flattering.” She scoffed, but a twinkle in her eyes let him know to not take her seriously. “You know, if you want to impress Adriene, you might need to do something more creative than helping me walk seven meters,” she added. 

Fenris narrowed his eyes at her, unwilling to let their friendly banter go into that direction for now.

“I am not trying to impress anyone,” he said a bit more forcefully than strictly needed. “I was trying to be polite.”

“Not necessary,” Cassia said softly. “But thank you. I hadn’t planned on going home anytime soon.”

Fenris' curiosity was piqued. “You have not said a single word for the last thirty minutes and are clearly exhausted, why stay here?”

“Coming home drunk in the middle of the night always ticks off my mother.” She took another large swig of her drink as if to emphasize her point, but Fenris wasn’t buying her little act at all.

“That would be a good reason,” he said dryly, “if you had actually drunk any alcohol.” He gave her a concerned look. “Why do you not want to go home?”

She looked down into her tankard, avoiding his eyes, but she didn’t contradict him.“There is stuff that I’m avoiding. Conversations. Things…” she mumbled quietly.

Across from her, Fenris snorted. “That’s what I like about you, always so precise and not at all vague with your words,” he said with a small half-smile on his face before he turned more serious. Something was definitely going on. “Are you avoiding someone in your family? Is something the matter?”

He was genuinely concerned by now. He had made it a habit to always listen when his new-found friends had something to say, but he rarely prodded for information. It felt too invasive most of the time. Usually, he was content to just wait for whenever she wanted to tell him something. But something about this felt like it was necessary to not sit back and wait right now. 

She looked around as if to gauge just how much privacy they had. Fenris followed her eyes, making a decision. There was obviously something bothering her, and she didn’t seem completely hesitant to tell him. But this was clearly not the place.

“Come on,” he said with a nod towards the door, getting up.

Cassia looked unsettled for a moment. “I really don’t want to go home, Fenris, I just told you.”

“I know,” he assured her. “We’re going to my place, and then you and I can talk.”

Despite looking reluctant for a moment, Cassia followed him after they had settled their tab. Outside, she had trouble keeping up with his tempo, he noticed, and with a worried look, he slowed down, giving her a chance to catch her breath. Another thing that didn’t fit. Since when did a little walk get her out of breath? 

Even with the reduced pace, they didn’t take long to reach his mansion, the cold night air keeping them from moving too slow. Inside, Fenris led her to the room he kept using as an improvised living room and left her to her own devices while he built a small fire. Cassia settled down into one of the chairs in front of the fireplace, drawing her feet underneath her as she waited for him to finish. He went to get her a glass of water before he sat down into the other chair, facing her.

“You look a little unwell,” he noted as she took a sip. “So, what is going on? You’ve not been quite yourself since you came back from the Deep Roads.”

“A lot has been going on,” Cassia said noncommittally, emptying the glass before looking past him for a moment, looking like she was trying to find the right words to tell him what was bothering her. 

Fenris took in the way Cassia seemed to draw into herself. He wasn’t used to her being so closed off, so quiet and vague about things. The Cassia he had gotten to know over the past year was a very direct, straightforward person. Who had a way with words, saying precisely and exactly what she wanted to say, easily talking circles around other people when drawn into an argument. The opposite, really, from the woman who now sat in front of him. Whatever had happened, it must have been something impactful to cause this change. Just at that moment, Cassia hastily put the empty glass of water down again.

“Fenris, tell me you have a bucket nearby,” she said all of a sudden, sounding shaky as she got up again. It took Fenris only a second to realize something was wrong as he saw her going unusually pale, and he reacted instantly. 

“Right here,” he pointed at the large door that went directly into the garden. There was an old well outside and a couple of unused things standing around, but before he could elaborate, she rushed past him, looking slightly panicked as she burst through the door into the cold night. A moment later, he winced as he heard dreadful retching noises. He was still deliberating if he should go after her to help or if she wanted to be left alone when Cassia came trotting back into the doorway, looking like death warmed over.

“Do you have some more water?” she croaked, and with a nod, he quickly went to refill her glass. When he came back, she had sat back down, giving him a grateful look as she took the glass with a slightly shaking hand.

“So I wasn’t wrong,” Fenris said quietly, “you are definitely not alright. Did you get sick from your trip down into the Deep Roads?” He was seriously worried by now. He had heard about what had happened to Carver, and rumors of _ things _ that people brought back up from that place that rarely ended well for them. But the grimace on Cassia’s face and her shaking head gave him pause.

“Not sick,” she mumbled before sighing deeply. “I’m pregnant.”

Fenris’ eyes snapped to her face, completely shocked for a moment. 

“Pregnant?” This was not at all what he had expected. Relief went through him as he realized he could abandon all worries about some Deep-Roads-contracted illness at least. But pregnant? It felt somehow both less and more severe. “When did this happen?” he asked. 

Cassia leaned back into the chair, closing her eyes for a short moment. “A couple of months ago,” she explained as she opened her eyes again. “I haven’t told anyone yet, it’s all very new.” 

Still wondering what to respond, his attention was caught by her hands, and Fenris frowned at the visible stray wisps of magic he could see around her fingers that seemed covered by a sheen of ice. Cassia tensed as she followed his eyes.

“I’m so sorry!” she immediately apologized, sounding remorseful, but the magic didn’t disappear  and his frown changed to confusion . Normally she was very careful to keep all things magic firmly away from him.

“What is going on?” he asked carefully. “You are not doing that on purpose?”

Cassia immediately shook her head. “I’m really not. I’ve had some problems with accidental magic before, and lately, it’s gotten a bit more… frequent.” 

Her voice was tense, and she had begun kneading her hands in what looked almost like distress. 

“Your magic is out of control?” He gave her a questioning look. 

He couldn’t help the guarded tone his voice had changed to, it came to him instinctively, even though he was certain that Cassia of all people would never deliberately use her magic against him. Knowing that on a rational level couldn’t quite quell his emotional reaction, however.

“Not all the time,” she elaborated. “But there are moments. And since the Deep Roads, they have gotten more frequent.” 

“So it has happened before then?” he asked, and when Cassia nodded, he couldn’t help but feel reluctant sympathy welling up in him. “That must not have made hiding with your family any easier, I assume.”

She let out a humorless laugh. “No, not really,” she agreed before she sighed softly. “You know, I tried to get rid of it once already, and all of this,” she held up her hands, “it just reminds me why…”

“I would assume so,” he agreed. He couldn’t imagine a situation where getting rid of such a problem wouldn’t be a high priority. Especially for someone on the run. “It does not sound like a pleasant issue to have,” he said dryly in what was clearly an understatement.

“No,” Cassia shook her head. “But I don’t mean just this problem. I mean my magic in general.”

Fenris was completely still for a moment as he looked at her with an expression of complete disbelief on his face. “You tried to get rid of your magic? Why? How?” The only way to rid a mage of magic he knew of was far too horrific to even think about.  N ot to mention that Tranquility was not something that could be ‘attempted’.

She hesitated for a brief moment. “Isn’t it obvious? I was desperate to find something to get rid of this curse,” she said simply, and Fenris blinked. A curse? He had called magic a blight upon the world before more than once, and yet hearing something like that from a mage of all people sounded… off. Unexpected.

“You think of your own magic as a curse?” 

“As if you don’t think the same thing...” Cassia said with a scoff and not without reason, he had to admit. This was nothing he hadn’t said himself several times, after all. 

“Well, yes,” he admitted slowly. “But I have not yet met a mage who shared my point of view. It is… unusual.”

“I was thirteen years old when I found out I had magic,” she told him quietly. “Something scared me, and I accidentally froze over an entire lake. In the middle of summer. We had to leave everything behind. More than once. I knew back then that it was a curse. And that I would try anything to get rid of it. But nothing I tried ever did.”

Fenris didn’t say anything for a while, just looking at her quietly, sifting through the thoughts her words had brought. He stood up and uncorked a bottle of wine, not bothering with getting himself a glass as he took a sip before he spoke. “Adriene sees magic very differently.” It wasn’t an accusation, just a plain statement, but Cassia looked on the edge of being defensive nonetheless.

“My sister doesn’t have to prepare to potentially fight off literal demons every damn night she goes to sleep,” she said a tad sharper than before. 

He had to give her that. “Alright, fair point. So what did you do?”

“I have to say ahead that I was a teenager, and that I was both very reckless and quite stupid, so please don’t judge me too harshly,” she started almost apologetically before looking past Fenris. “I tried summoning a demon.”

There was a chilling silence between them for a moment and Fenris narrowed his eyes at her. This was not at all what he had expected to hear.

“You are not a blood mage, though,” he said in a tense voice, “I would have noticed!”

“I’m not, I promise,” Cassia assured him almost instantly. “As I said, I was a lot younger, and I was very stupid. I thought I knew better than everyone else, and that I found the perfect solution that surely no one before me had ever thought of…”

Fenris scoffed at her self-deprecating tone, but he sat down on the second armchair again, his curiosity overruling his distaste for magic for now. 

“Given that you obviously still have magic and don’t seem possessed, I am guessing it didn’t work?”

Cassia sighed. “Oh, it worked. The summoning did at least. The rest? Not so much.” She shivered before continuing. “I had hidden away in the woods behind our house. It was a fear demon. It… was absolutely terrifying. I’ve never been as afraid as I was back then in my entire life. It picked up on that, promised me it could take all the fear away. That it would make me stronger. Strong enough to protect my family from everything. Bethany. Myself. If I would only let it in…” She swallowed, visibly uncomfortable under his unwavering look.

“I can’t even really describe what it looked like. It had so many shapes, constantly changing. In the most terrifying way. Its voice was…” She shuddered briefly before looking at him as if she had to shake off the more vivid parts of her memories. “It had one hell of a sales pitch, even though I knew and could clearly see it was a demon. But when I asked if it could take away my magic, it laughed at me. Saying it was impossible.” 

The heavy sound of disappointment still clung to her voice and Fenris wondered just how far Cassia’s reluctance about her own magic actually went. Fascinated, he listened, ignoring for now how the implications of her words started to scratch on long upheld convictions.

“But then it came at me. That’s when I started to panic. Like my good sense got switched back on, and I fought it,” Cassia went on, looking down at her hands again. “I always had these magic issues I told you about. My father said I let my emotions rule it, lacking the control to keep them both in check. Especially when stressed out or scared. And back then? I was scared!” She cleared her throat and took a large gulp of water. “Terrified, really, when I realized I had made a mistake. I barely felt it coming, but my magic did something. On its own. Something  _ snapped, _ and then I was suddenly… free of it. When I opened my eyes, it was on the floor in front of me, impaled by icicles.” 

Fenris took in a sharp breath. “You killed it?” he asked, still on edge, but at the same time, a small part of him felt weirdly fascinated. He had heard many stories about demons. About magic. Some, he had even experienced himself. But nothing quite like this.

Cassia hummed in affirmation. “I think so. I didn’t even know such a thing was possible at that point. Fighting a demon outside of the Fade, I mean. But I didn’t really have time to check. Once I realized I could get away, I ran. Back home, as fast as I could.”

Fenris shook his head, trying to imagine a younger Cassia doing the things she had just told him. Fleeing in terror from something. It was nearly unimaginable. He couldn’t remember a single time when he had ever seen something akin to fear in her so far. 

“What did your family say?”

“I planned on keeping all of it a secret, but when I came home, they immediately knew something had happened. Because I looked... different.” Cassia held up a strand of her hair in explanation.

“The hair?” Fenris asked before understanding washed over him. It had been something he had always wondered about. Both twins shared so many similarities. Mannerisms. A good part of their build, except the little differences that could be explained by their different ways of fighting. The hair had always been an unusually outstanding feature. “Of course,” he murmured. “It wasn’t always like this?”  

She shook her head. “No, it wasn’t. Back then, Adriene and I used to look much more alike. Not completely indistinguishable, but our looks did not differ nearly as drastically as they did today. I told everyone at home I had been attacked by a demon, fought it, and had gotten away. I stuck as much to the truth as possible and told them about my magic taking over on its own when I felt threatened.” She shrugged, a far off look on her face as she almost casually talked about lying to her family. 

“It was enough. Enough for them to believe me. Everyone knew about my issues, after all. And they kept happening. Sometimes more often than others. I never quite got the hang of why exactly,” Cassia kept explaining. “For a while, before we fled Lothering, I thought I finally was in control, had learned how to stop them.”

“When you say ‘ _ outbursts _ ’,” Fenris asked carefully, “do you mean more of the frozen lake or dead demon variety? Or smaller stuff?” He didn’t want to sound judgemental at this moment, but he couldn't very well deny that the thought of uncontrolled magic remained unsettling.

“Smaller stuff,” Cassia assured him. “Like my fingertips freezing, ice on my clothes and so on.”

Fenris had been torn between wanting to hear as little as possible about all things magic and his concern for her. But if he was honest with himself, there had also been a slight spark of curiosity running through him listening to her. Whenever the topic of magic came up, Fenris couldn’t help himself but think back of his former home. The mere concept of magic was deeply intertwined with everything in Tevinter in his head. Yet Cassia and her stance on her own magic felt like the complete opposite of anything he had ever experienced a mage to be.

“It must sound incredibly stupid,” Cassia suddenly said into the silence. “I never told anyone of this before. I tried talking to my father and Bethany about these worries once, but neither of them seemed to understand why I couldn’t just be more like them and be happy about it.” She sighed. “It wasn’t very smart what I did, I know that. But I somehow hoped…”

“It doesn’t sound stupid.” To his own surprise, Fenris actually meant what he said. “But it does sound like it was incredibly dangerous and risky, Cassia.” There was an honest concern in his voice. Not about what she could do, but for her person.

“I know better now than to try something reckless like that,” she said with a sad smile on her face. Looking up from her hands still clinging around the now empty glass, she found his eyes and held his gaze. “But even knowing better now, I still have moments when I wish it had been successful, you know? Adriene is terrified of Bethany or me being found out by the templars, but me? Templars I can avoid or learn to deal with for the most part. But demons... I can’t stop going to sleep.” There was a weariness in her voice that surprised him. These thoughts had been a constant companion to her for years, he realized. 

“They will always be there, and they will  _ always _ be waiting for me. And I might be strong now, not even a little bit tempted. But look at me not even being able to control all of my magic, what about in five years?” She looked at him almost challengingly. “What about in ten? I can’t even stop my hands from freezing everything on some days, and I keep thinking; what if I never learn, and one day, they just might win?”

“You are afraid of not being strong enough. That you will eventually give in.” Fenris didn’t quite understand why this still somehow felt like a surprise to him. Like he hadn’t been the one remarking similar things about mages and their inevitable fate several times before already. 

Cassia gave him a droll look. “We should be best friends, we think so much alike…”

“So it would seem.” Fenris’ voice was dry, coming with a raised eyebrow and a very pointed look before he gave her an actual smile, small as it was. “But Cassia, we  _ are _ friends. Regardless of how much we think alike or not,” he said simply. “That is why I brought you here because I… worried.” He stumbled over the last word almost awkwardly. Even after all she had shared with him, he still felt apprehension for voicing his own feelings.

“I am strong now,” she said softly. “But the longer I am in Kirkwall, the more things I see, the more I am afraid that being strong might not matter in the long run. Even mountains can get worn down by time and a steady stream of water, after all.”

“Have you tried talking to Adriene about how you feel?” It was a well-meant question, but Cassia scoffed.

“Adriene?” she asked. “She would never let me out of her sight again if she knew. Worse, she would keep believing in me, telling me I could certainly face anything! And I would probably believe her, and if I ever lost that fight…” Cassia’s voice cracked suspiciously. “If I  _ ever _ faltered, she’d be the first one suffering for it.” 

There was a heavy silence covering the room, like a too-warm blanket on a summer’s day. It was suffocating, silencing everything until the only sound was the crackling in the fireplace.

“I’m sorry.” Fenris’ voice was soft. Simple. He wanted to say something more meaningful, something more profound, but looking at the situation, there was nothing he could offer to help her. Nothing but his support at least. “I know it doesn’t help, but I truly am,” he added, and Cassia did her best to smile at him.

“I know. Thank you!” She sighed again. “I’ve learned how to cope with the issues most days. But now this pregnancy seems to throw me off thoroughly, and I haven’t told anyone about it yet either. Not Adriene, not my mother…” She shook her head. “Well, now you know what’s been going on. I don’t want to be home when the sickness hits me because I don’t know how to tell my family yet.”

“You can stay here whenever you want,” he offered with a sympathetic look. “I have more than enough rooms in this place after all. I can make you a guest room ready.”

He could see the tension flowing out of her at his words.

“Thank you!” she breathed out. “For offering and for listening!” 

“I believe it was your sister that told me that friends are stuck with each other once they acknowledge that they are indeed friends,” he said with a small smile on his face before he helped up Cassia who seemed already dead on her feet and steered her towards one of the guest rooms. 

Fenris was true to his word and made her feel welcome in his home over the next few days. His mansion became a second home for Cassia almost instantly. He was considerate and non-judgemental about her situation, something that didn’t surprise Cassia when she thought about it. They kept up the evenings of just sitting around, talking to each other. He listened to her thoughts, her worries, over and over again, in turn sharing some of his own. She had considered them to be friends before, but over the next week, she had learned to appreciate more and more just how much of a friend he actually turned out to be. 

She spent most of her free time trying to figure out what her life might look like from now on, still not entirely used to the knowledge, the feeling of being with child. When he was there as well, Fenris did his best to provide some distraction. He told her about his difficulties settling down in Kirkwall after so many years on the run one evening. She, in turn, told him more about her childhood and their constant being on the move and what it meant for her. 

Cassia was surprised just how often they shared an opinion. She could tell that he was just as surprised as she had been at first. It was in the middle of a discussion that she realized that the connection between them felt like something completely natural. An inherent understanding neither would have thought likely. The sort of understanding that made it possible to even talk about topics like the ongoing tensions between mages and templars without getting into a fight about it. On the contrary, even, their discussions mostly felt constructive and full of mutual respect and understanding. 

Cassia felt at ease sharing her worries and her motivations about having worked for the templars with him, knowing he would not try and tell her how something she deemed necessary was a waste of her time. Fenris shared his ongoing troubles about finding it hard to socialize, growing more and more comfortable with opening up to her little by little.  

“You are looking better,” he remarked one evening as they had once again settled down in his living room together. Sitting curled up in a blanket on the floor in front of the fireplace, Cassia leaned against one of the large chairs as she looked up at him. 

“I feel a bit better today,” she agreed. “Not completely fine yet, but I do sleep more and everything has just been a lot… calmer these past few days.”

“I noticed that,” he said with a smile. “I am glad to see it.”

“I’ll be back later tomorrow I think,” she informed him. “I need to go to Anders so he can check up on me again.”

Fenris' eyebrows went up at that. “Anders knows? You and he don’t even get along most times…”

Cassia shrugged with a small smile appearing on her face. “Believe me, I know how strange this is. But ever since the Deep Roads, I think we at least understand each other a bit better. And he was the one who figured out I was pregnant in the first place.” 

Fenris gave her a curious look. “What happened in the Deep Roads?”

He could see a hint of a flush on Cassia’s face all of a sudden, a stark contrast to her earlier paleness. There was also something like embarrassment on her face.

“You know how I am not the most optimistic person, right?” she said slowly, and Fenris snorted. 

“That’s an understatement. You are sometimes as gloomy as your sister is ever smiling.” It was almost comical how Cassia and Adriene usually approached the exact same thing with almost completely opposite expectations. 

“I actually came pretty close to doing something really bad,” Cassia admitted, a small shudder running through her at the thought. Quietly, she told him about the dark pit they had found after hopelessly searching for an exit for days. About how she had felt gazing down into it. About the thoughts it had stirred in her.

“Part of me at least was convinced that it was the better solution. Why draw out the inevitable, right?” she said softly.

“I can’t say it’s not understandable, given the situation,” Fenris' voice was rough, obviously feeling for her. “It seems you thought better, though. You are still here, after all.” The warmth in his tone made it obvious how glad he was about that simple fact.

“I’m still here,” she agreed, smiling. She put her own hand around his, squeezing it briefly before letting go again. “And that’s actually something I have Anders to thank for,” she said with a hint of amusement in her voice, knowing all too well that Fenris would sooner walk into the Deep Roads all on his own than to even consider thanking Anders for anything. “He noticed my mood, pulled me out of it and made me realize that I really didn’t want to die.”

“Who knew, he can be useful for something after all,” Fenris huffed next to her, but there was no real malice in his voice. “If he got through to you, I have to admit that it was probably not the worst idea to take him on that expedition after all.”

Cassia chuckled at what was basically the highest praise coming from Fenris. “I promise, I will never tell him you said that.” Tiredly, she winked at Fenris, his raised eyebrow drawing another small laugh from her. “His method of distracting me from all the gloomy thoughts in my head left me more bruised than the demon we fought the next day, but it was certainly effective.”

“He made you fight him?” Fenris asked, complete confusion in his voice.

Cassia shook her head, letting out another laugh. “Maker, no! We had sex against a wall. Several walls actually. It was a long night.” She was still chuckling when she felt Fenris tense again.

“You what?” he said sharply.

Cassia gave him a curious look. “It was a mutual distraction thing, nothing more…” she tried to explain further, but when she looked up at him, Fenris seemed furious. 

“Is he the…” he trailed off angrily, looking at her not yet really visible stomach.

“No!” she answered immediately, slightly taken aback by the look of instant relief on his face. “You have some strong feelings about this…” she said speculatively, watching Fenris struggle for a brief moment to come up with an answer. 

“He slept with you, Cassia!” he exclaimed more forcefully again. “Of course I do! Anders! Why would he even…”

Cassia raised her eyebrows, not sure if she should get offended by this. “Excuse me? Last time I looked in the mirror, I definitely saw a bunch of reasons why someone would want to sleep with me!”

Fenris blinked at her, tilting his head. “That was not what I meant,” he said, still sounding somewhat heated. “The nerve of that man!” He shook his head. 

“Fenris, why are you so angry?” Cassia was back to being confused. Nothing about this made sense to her.

“Because he took advantage of you!” Fenris scoffed. 

Cassia was already shaking her head. “I promise you he didn’t! I knew what I was doing.” She tried to find Fenris’ eyes, but he was still staring angrily ahead. “I was in a really bad place, yes, but he didn’t use me!”

“Of course he did,” Fenris bristled with anger as he suddenly looked at her. “Not in the way you think, but he definitely took advantage. Or what would you call it when someone sleeps with the twin sister of the person they are in love with?”

Cassia’s eyes widened as she gasped. “What?” 

Her reaction seemed to pull Fenris out of his rant, and he immediately gave her an apologetic look. “I probably should not have told you that. Not like this at least,” he said much more quietly. 

Cassia could see the remorse in his eyes, but her mind was racing. “What do you mean? Anders is in love with Adriene? Since when?” She felt her stomach clench at the thought.

“Since about the time they first met, according to Isabela at least. I was not there,” Fenris sounded less agitated than before, but still a far cry away from calm.

According to Isabela? Cassia felt her ears go red in embarrassment. How many people knew about Anders’ feelings for her sister? And how had she missed this? Her mind went back to the Deep Roads. To that night. And what had happened after.

“Fuck,” she cursed quietly. “Maker, Fenris, I feel like such an idiot!”

“You obviously had no idea,” he said, still sounding on edge. “It is he who should feel bad about this.”

She shook her head, feeling the embarrassment still running through her. “No, but I… Damn it, I went to him. After the Deep Roads. I even thought for a moment that it would make sense maybe to try and...” 

Suddenly, his overly distant demeanor and his insistence on having made a mistake made a lot more sense. Knowing what she knew now added a whole new layer of discomfort for her on top of it. Not for the first time, she asked herself what she had been thinking. She knew there hadn’t been anything romantic between them, but still, the thought that it had actually been her sister he was interested in was unsettling. Had he slept with her because they were about to die, and at that moment, Cassia had been the next best thing?

Mortified, she remembered thinking about how much easier it would have been for her life if she could have been interested in him. How she had thought she should at least try and see if she could perhaps fall for someone much less unattainable than Cullen. A safe choice. Only to realize she had been wrong on both accounts. It looked like she had been even more of a fool than she had known until now.

She could feel Fenris move, and a moment later, there was an arm around her as he slid to the floor next to her, holding her close until she rested her head on his shoulder. “I am sorry,” he said again. “I did not want to upset you.”

“It’s not your fault,” Cassia murmured, staring at the fireplace again, her thoughts still running wild. Suddenly, Fenris’ strong reaction didn’t feel all that out of the blue anymore. She had suspected for a while already that he himself might harbor some feelings for her sister. It seemed like her suspicion hadn’t been wrong.

“Anders is an idiot!” Fenris said in an obvious attempt to make her feel better, and Cassia appreciated it.

“You say that all the time,” she said with a small smile.

“I mean it all the time,” Fenris insisted. “But now especially.”

With a sigh, Cassia felt herself relax against him. “I don’t have actual feelings for him, you know? Not the right ones at least,” she said quietly. “I guess, just the thought of feeling wanted was something that made me feel better about myself.” It had clearly been only in her imagination, though. “I don’t make friends as easily as Adriene does. And I am not as polite and well-mannered as Bethany is. So I enjoyed the idea that someone who actually knew me, and not just a random person on the street who only goes by looks, would be interested in me.”

Fenris tightened his embrace for a moment. “Where did that confident woman from a few minutes ago go all of a sudden?” He nudged her slightly, genuinely trying to cheer her up.

Cassia appreciated it, but something about all this still weighed heavy on her. And it didn’t even have all that much to do with Anders himself in the end. 

“I know I am attractive, but…” She took a deep breath. “Before Kirkwall, before meeting all of you? I don’t think I ever had any close friends outside of my family. No one ever got to know me because of how careful we had to be all the time.” There had never been a time after she had gotten her magic where she had been in a position to even consider telling anyone about being a mage. 

On the contrary. Her father’s teachings had made certain that Cassia knew for sure that telling someone would never be an option. The one time it had happened that someone did find out, her family had  _ dealt _ with the situation. She had been sixteen at that time, and an unfortunate accident, briefly losing control, had blown her cover right in front of a young man from their village she had been sweet on. Jeremy had been terrified of her, leaving her standing where she was, running directly back towards the village, directly towards the Chantry. 

Adriene had gone after him immediately. Her father had been furious when Cassia had told him, hammering home the fact that she had to keep herself together. She had to be above suspicion. Always. His words had been sharp like a knife before he went looking for Adriene. When they had come back that evening, he had sat her down again, repeating all the warnings Cassia could still recite by heart. When Cassia had asked what had happened, her father had shaken his head with a grim expression.

“Your sister took care of it,” he had simply said, and there had been something in his voice. A tone that sounded almost proud as he praised Adriene for her quick thinking and her ability to protect her family above everything else.

Cassia had never seen Jeremy again. Neither had anyone else in Lothering.

She shook off the disturbing memory. It had been a decade since then, but it still made the hairs on her neck stand up. When she looked back at Fenris, she sighed.

“Anyone who was ever interested in me never actually  _ knew _ me. I was always lying to everyone. And Anders…” She swallowed. Anders would have been someone she could have told her family about without fear of repercussions, she realized. “I know you don’t like him much, but he is the only person who actually knew about me and my magic and still was interested. Or so I thought at least. So even if I don’t have feelings for him, the fact alone that there was someone who might like me for, well,  _ me _ was enough to at least think about wanting to try and see if it could lead somewhere.” It never could have. She realized that now. And it still stung more than she would have thought possible. 

“So this is not really about Anders at all, but more about what he represents?” Fenris asked, and Cassia nodded. 

“Yeah, I think so,” Cassia nodded, giving herself a push to tell him about the one thing that had been burning on her tongue for what felt like forever. “I actually met someone here in Kirkwall, quite a while ago. A few months before the expedition.”

“Oh?” Fenris sounded curious. “You never told me about that before.”

Cassia shook her head. “I met him, and I can’t even describe it... but it was like we just fit? We spent the night together, and it was amazing, and he wanted to see me again…” She trailed off.

After a moment, Fenris asked softly, “So what happened?”

“I saw him again. A couple of times actually.  And it was... perfect, somehow? He doesn't know about my magic, of course, but everything else just... fit. Shared interests, jokes, he's smart and... if I could have, I would've spent all my time with him.  But… let’s just say he is someone I really shouldn’t get involved with. It would be bad! Scandalous gossip all over Hightown bad!” That was the safest way she could put it.

Fenris’ eyes widened. “But he was interested?”

She nodded. “Very, I think. But then again… he only knows a part of me. I can’t just tell someone ‘oh, by the way, I’m a mage in hiding!’ after all.” She sighed. She especially couldn’t tell _ him  _ that. 

_ ‘You want far too much…’ _

Fenris suddenly straightened next to her. “He is the father, is he not?” he asked without preamble, and Cassia could do nothing but nod in her surprise. Fenris noticed her expression immediately. “Please,” he said dryly. “Scandalous gossip over Hightown bad and you are hesitant to tell anyone who he is… it is really not hard to make that connection.”

Cassia shrugged in resignation. “If I am honest, I think I also used the night with Anders as a distraction from that. A way to distance myself. Maybe I’m just not made for this,” Cassia said quietly. “I mean, I am twenty-six, pregnant, and I still have never even been truly in love. And it’s not like I can just go out there and try to be happy with the person I really want. Everyone I would even consider getting truly close to I’d either have to immediately trust with my life or I’d have to start a relationship lying to them every single day.”

“Those are some pretty shitty options,” Fenris agreed. “I never really thought about that, but it sounds like a very bleak view.” He sounded genuinely sorry.

Some days, she could ignore this particular reality of her life better than others. Today was obviously not one of those days.

“Perhaps love in itself is overrated,” Fenris murmured, sounding like he was lost in his own trail of thoughts.

Cassia shook her head lightly. “I don’t think it is. It sounds pretty great, actually.”

Fenris hummed. If it was in affirmation or not she couldn’t say.

“Maybe I’m just not meant to have it,” she added.

“Maybe neither of us is,” he said quietly.

She felt their gloomy mood pressing down on them as it got quiet for a moment. Cassia tried to shake it off. “Aren’t you supposed to make me feel better by telling me that it will all be alright, that I’ll find love, the one person meant for me and yadda yadda?”

Fenris gave her a pointed look. “What kind of friend would I be if I answered your very serious concerns with a bunch of platitudes?”

The seriousness with which he spoke made Cassia actually feel better. He might be blunt and almost harsh sometimes, but it couldn’t hide just how much he actually cared.

“You know I love you, right?” she said with the tiniest smile on her face again.

“You do?” came his slightly confused, almost tense-sounding reply.

“In a strictly platonic sense, of course,” she assured him. “But yes, I really do.”

Next to her, Fenris seemed to relax and from the corner of her eye, she could see him starting to smile as well.

“In that case,” he said, sounding both amused and incredibly dry at the same time, “let me assure you that the feeling is mutual.”


	15. Clearing the Air

Anders frowned as he saw a faint light burning in his own clinic when he came home. After leaving the rest of their group to their own devices in the Hanged Man, he had gone straight home, but at this hour, nobody came to see him normally. Most likely, it was one of his friends, but he wondered which one of those who hadn’t been in the tavern earlier. When he went inside, there was only a single flickering lamp burning at the table in the corner where, to his surprise, Cassia was sitting. Her eyes were closed and she swayed back and forth slightly as if she was listening to some imaginary music. It had become a rather frequent sight for him to see her in his home since they had returned from the Deep Roads. Normally, she showed up much later in the night though, usually when she couldn’t sleep. Something felt strange about this. In the last few days, she hadn’t been here at all. But he had wanted to talk to her anyway. Preferably in private and not in the middle of the Hanged Man.

Cassia had been waiting for a little over half an hour when she finally heard Anders come back to his clinic. The past few days at Fenris’ had helped her significantly. She was calmer, she got more sleep when she didn’t have to worry about waking up her family during the night, and slowly, the color had returned to her face. But she still wasn’t much further in knowing what to do now. She had yet to talk to her family. Tell them that things were going to change. It wasn’t just her that this was about, after all, it impacted the rest of her family as well. She had already come to the conclusion that she would tell her sisters first. Get their opinion, hopefully their support, before she confided in her mother. Then there was still her ongoing problem with her magic.

But on top of all of this, there was the new-found revelation from last night. The knowledge about Anders that made her want to get up and leave, do anything but ask him of all people for help. But he was her best shot of figuring this out, she thought, and if she was honest with herself, there were things she wanted to know. No, _needed_ to know. Regardless of how uncomfortable they might be.

If it was true. If he really was in love with her sister. And most of all, if it had anything to do with what happened between them. 

“Have you been waiting here for long?” Anders asked at that moment, pulling Cassia out of her thoughts.

“No, not at all.” She shook her head. “Listen, I really need to talk to you.”

Anders put away the bag he was carrying, probably his potion supply, before he joined her at the table she was sitting at. “I need to talk to you too, so it’s good you are here,” he said, and Cassia looked at him curiously. Maybe he already had some idea about what to do with her magic problem?

“You first,” she said with a smile.

“Well, I’ve been thinking,” Anders said, sounding a lot more serious all of a sudden. “You said you are worried to tell your mother most of all. And I also thought about how hard it would be for you to do this on your own. Without a father to point towards, I mean.”

Cassia nodded, a grimace on her face that made it obvious she knew that ‘hard’ was an understatement. “It’s daunting, but you know I can’t tell anyone who the father is. It’s just one of those things I’ll have to deal with.”

“What if you didn’t have to?” Anders said speculatively. At Cassia’s confused look, he continued, “Not many people know about the Warden thing, you could claim I am the father, keep people from widely speculating.” 

Cassia’s mouth fell open in shock at his suggestion, but Anders was too focused on what he had to say to notice her reaction.

“Neither of us is very well known throughout the city, we could pretend to have been married for a while, and you would avoid all scandal.”

She blinked several times to get herself to focus on formulating an answer.

“I…” She trailed off.

Of all the unexpected things happening lately, this was by far the strangest one. But when she looked at Anders, she could see in his eyes how very sincere he was about this. How genuinely he cared and wanted to help her. If she hadn’t learned what she had from Fenris just last night, she would have been tempted to take him up on his offer. It would have made things so much easier. 

Instead, she said quietly, “I don’t think this is a good idea,” 

But Anders seemed undeterred. “Think about it, Cassia. About what might be best for you and for the baby. I’m not saying this is the only solution, but I genuinely think it could help you.”

She hesitated for a moment. “You’re not wrong about that, but…” Cassia sighed. 

“But I’m not who you want,” Anders finished her thought out loud, and Cassia flinched, even though there was surprisingly little judgement in his voice. 

“Anders, I’m not who _you_ want either,” she pointed out. He didn’t even try to deny it, and Cassia smiled. “I really appreciate the thought behind this offer, though.” 

“What is your plan for when the Knight-Captain comes back to Kirkwall then? Avoid him and hope he doesn’t connect the dots?” He still sounded remarkably calm given the topic, but Cassia still shifted uncomfortably at the thought. She had thought only of how to tell her family, using Cullen's absence as an excuse to not think too deeply on how to tackle _that_ problem.

“I’m not quite sure yet,” she admitted, and Anders sighed in resignation.

“You know you can’t let him know, right? You are a mage, from a family full of mages. Chances are very high that your child will have magic, too.” He gave her a pointed look before letting out a sigh. “It’s your decision to make, it’s just… I hope you think about all the things that could go wrong.” 

“You think I could avoid the risk of him finding out with your idea?” She wasn’t sure how helpful it could even be. It wouldn’t take away Cullen’s ability to do basic math, after all.

“No one would question the happy couple that decided to not waste any time after surviving the Deep Roads expedition together,” Anders pointed out, and Cassia had to admit he might have a point with that. If they played their parts with enough conviction, that was.

“You know, don’t tell Varric, but I think you have quite a talent for dramatic storytelling too,” she said with a small laugh. 

“You are assuming he isn’t writing this exact book as we are speaking,” Anders grinned back before getting serious again. “So, will you think about it?”

Anders was clearly expecting her to either say yes or no to his repeated offer, but instead, she just kept looking at him thoughtfully.

“There is still the thing that I came here for,” she said at last. “Last night, when I was at Fenris’, he said something.” Cassia paused, but Anders didn’t say anything, just waited for her to continue. 

“About you being in love. With Adriene.” 

She stared straight ahead, not really looking at him. “And at first, I thought he was just being an ass because of his own feelings for her, but then I thought about it and, well…”

Her voice was soft, but he could hear every word cutting into the silence between them like a knife. When she looked at him, he knew she could see everything on his face. Guilt, embarrassment, resignation. It was all plain as day.

With a sigh, he glanced sideways at the cabinet where he kept his alcohol,  looking at it wistfully. If only drinking this away was an option. For a moment, he had the urge to deny everything. To lie and assure her that there was no way. That he was not that kind of person. That he would never. It sounded suspiciously like everything that he had been telling himself already. She deserved better than that.

“I’m sorry,” he said simply. 

“For what, loving my sister?” If Cassia was one thing, it was painfully direct when necessary. All that hanging out with Fenris seemed to have only amplified that lately. Both of them flinched slightly at hearing the words out loud. “It’s not like you can pick and choose...”

“That’s not what I meant.” He needed her to understand this. “Look, Cassia, for what it is worth, I swear to you: Nothing ever happened, nor have I ever made any attempt to make something happen in the past.” He held her gaze, full of honest regret about the situation they were currently in. She looked as if she had expected him to deny everything and now wasn’t quite sure what to do, what to think of the situation. 

“Then what are you sorry for?” A simple question for a situation that had nothing simple about it at all.

“I am sorry that I took advantage of you in a situation that I shouldn’t have.” Anders said it so quietly Cassia barely heard him. “And for leaving you with the impression that I don’t really care for you afterward, because I do! I just…” 

For a moment, he thought back onto that night in the Deep Roads when any consequence for his actions seemed such a far off possibility that he hadn’t even wasted a single thought on them. In front of him, Cassia just shrugged again. “Hey, you promised me a distraction, never that you would care.”

“I _do_ care! But I didn’t think ahead down there,” he admitted quietly. “I guess I was a bit selfish in that regard. Thoughtless. And when we were back in Kirkwall, I realized just how messed up the entire situation was. But I never wanted to hurt you, honestly.”

He could see the range of emotion on her face. Resignation, hurt, and if her sudden downcast eyes and her shifting was any indicator: embarrassment. He sighed. He had created a right mess. A moment later, she said something he didn’t expect, though.

“I am surprisingly less upset than I thought I would be,” Cassia admitted when she looked up again. “I mean, I think if I am honest, it’s mostly hurt pride. I feel quite embarrassed right now, but…” She let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know. At first, I thought I should be really angry, but somehow, I am not? I just feel rather stupid for being the only one that hadn’t noticed.” 

A sense of relief ran through Anders at her words. “I am glad. That you aren’t angry, I mean. I…” He hesitated for a moment before giving in and asking the question that had formed in his mind. ”I don’t think you have feelings for me, right? Never had?” 

It could have been an accusation, but he stated it as a simple fact. Cassia looked like she wanted to protest for a moment but thought better of it, and only nodded slightly. 

“I didn’t. And I still don’t. As I said, I think it’s more the hurt pride part than anything else.”

“I can understand that.” He had reached across the table and covered her hand with his. “And I am somewhat at fault for that.”

Cassia just looked at their entwined hands. It felt strangely comforting. When she spoke, it was still very softly. “I thought I could perhaps. Learn to have feelings for you, I mean. You know, after.” Her hand squeezed his. “I’ve never slept with someone who was also a friend before…” she admitted. “I think I got some things confused there.” 

She avoided his eyes but his hand squeezed back until she looked up after all.

“And me refusing to really talk to you about it afterward clearly didn’t help,” he stated. 

Cassia gave him a lopsided grin before she sighed. “But hey, I mean, I get it. My sister is pretty great. I’ve spent quite a bit of my life trying to be a little bit more like her for a reason after all.” 

“No, don’t do that to yourself, Cassia. Please.” Anders shook his head, sounding remorseful again. “You are a wonderful person all on your own, you shouldn't try to become someone else.”

Cassia chuckled softly at this, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I know, all that ‘the right person will come along’ talk, right?" she huffed, but Anders just shrugged.

“It sounds horribly cliché, but yes, actually. There is a right person for everyone.” 

“Platitudes…” Cassia mumbled. Before Anders could ask what she meant, she was already talking again. “And for you?” She suddenly looked directly at him. “Is Adriene the right person for you?”

There was a brief flicker of longing that went through him, one that he pushed down resolutely.

“Maybe. Who knows.” This time, it was him avoiding her eyes, but he couldn’t quite hide the small sliver of resignation in his voice. “I am certainly not the right person for her, though, so it’s a moot point.”

For a while, they just kept sitting there, hands still holding each other in comfort until Cassia frowned. “Is that why you offered to pretend to be the father? Because you think there will never be a chance with her anyway?”

Her words made him sit up straighter as he vigorously shook his head. “No,” he insisted, “I promise, that had nothing to do with that.” It hadn’t. His clearly unrequited feelings for Adriene hadn’t even been a side note in his decision to try and be there for Cassia. “I genuinely wanted to help you, nothing more, I promise.”

“Fenris would call me stupid now, but I actually believe you,” Cassia sighed. “Do you have something to drink for me? I feel like I am always thirsty lately.” She looked at him with the beginnings of a genuine smile on her face. “Feel free to get yourself something stronger than water if you need to. If I could drink, this would definitely not be a conversation I’d want to be completely sober for.”

Anders chuckled at her words. It was as if she had read his mind. “You mean this conversation isn’t over yet?”

She shook her head. “Maker no, we’ll keep sitting here, wallowing in our mutually depressing love lives. But there is no need to do that with a completely dry throat.”

Anders couldn’t help it, despite his earlier sullen mood, he had to laugh at her words. It was just like her to simply move on now that her questions were answered. They had obviously aired out what she came here for, and it meant she was ready to leave it behind. It was something he greatly admired in Cassia, her ability to not let herself dwell on things once they had been put out there.

“That sounds reasonable,” he said, still smiling.

He let go of her hand to get two glasses from a nearby cupboard and a carafe of water. When he came back to the table, Cassia had deliberately made some room on the bench next to her. Not questioning it, he simply sat down next to her, filling up the glasses and handing her one. Cassia almost drained it in one go and he followed as he felt her rest her head on his shoulder. Without even thinking, his arm went around her to hold her.

“Hey, what did you mean last time, when I told you about who the father is?” Cassia asked into the silence. “Do you _know_ Cullen? You said something about how he still has a thing for mages?” It had been a sentence that had stayed on her mind, that kept popping back up.

Anders shrugged, not looking all that comfortable anymore all of a sudden. “Very briefly,” he said. “From the Circle back in Ferelden.” Cassia started to see where his discomfort came from. He never really enjoyed talking about that part of his life, and from what she had heard about it, she couldn’t fault him for it.

“It’s nothing I actually know much about,” he answered her question nonetheless. “There was a rumor about him and one of the apprentices, nothing more.” 

Cassia’s eyebrows rose as she filed away that new bit of information. Just a rumor, Anders said. If it were true, it would mean that magic in itself didn’t seem to be something Cullen found disgusting. Unless… She had heard quite a few horrifying stories about what happened in some Circles. To the mages. Done by templars. It was something she couldn’t really reconcile with the image she had of Cullen so far, but her head seemed to think that this was the perfect moment to remind her that she actually didn’t know him all that well. Or at least not as much as she would like to. 

“How did that actually happen, you and him, I mean?” Anders asked suddenly, pulling her out of her thoughts. “Because even if I keep yelling at you for being reckless, I can’t imagine you just went up into the Gallows one day and decided it would be a great idea to seduce a templar…”

Cassia chuckled. “No, not even I would have done that.” She took another sip of water before she started telling him about how she had met Cullen, now knowing who he was, and what had happened after. 

“Alright, I take it back,” Anders murmured after she had finished, shaking his head in disbelief. “You _are_ that reckless after all…”

“It was a heat of the moment thing!” Cassia defended herself. 

Anders snorted. “That last time perhaps, but what about all the other times you went back? Nothing ‘heat of the moment’ about that…” He turned his head to look at her. “Now the question is: Was he that good in bed or were you…” He stopped talking as he saw her expression. 

“Oh no,” Anders murmured. “You were, huh?”

“You mean was I dumb enough to let feelings get involved?” Cassia let out an almost desperate sounding laugh. “I was. Big time, actually.” She found Anders looking down on her full of sympathy. “The good in bed part was definitely a factor, though,” she added with a shrug and a smile that didn’t really reach her eyes, trying to downplay what she had just admitted.

Anders kept looking at her for another moment before he sighed. “Well, shit!”

“Doesn’t that just sum up my life right now,” Cassia said with a wistful sigh. “The situation is so incredibly bad it’s almost laughable…”

Next to her, Anders actually started to chuckle. “I want to say there is a certain amount of Gallows humor involved but… ouch!”

Cassia elbowed him into his side but she was unable to keep her own face straight.

“You are horrible!” she said in between chuckles of her own.

“Mutually depressing love lives, huh?” Anders mused. “I guess you win? You fell for someone who has spent more than half his life getting trained to kill people like us and not feel bad about that…”

“Wow!” Cassia said, putting her glass down. “What about you then? You fell for a woman who is actually more than just a tiny bit interested in two people at the same time. And neither of them are you…”

Anders cleared his throat. “Alright, low blow, but I deserved that, I guess.” 

Despite the harsher sentences, the mood between them didn’t change, didn’t shift over into an actual argument again. Cassia was glad. She felt like she didn’t have it in her to fight with Anders anymore. Not like they used to at least.

“Look at us,” she said with a vague gesture at the two of them. “Two complete human messes. If I took you up on your offer, we would never fall in love, we would fall in disaster instead.” 

Anders nodded, chuckling again. “I guess you are right there. On the plus side, we would be in disaster with a friend at least.”

“At least,” Cassia agreed before shifting around to get more comfortable. Anders smelled like a mixture of herbs with a faint hint of lyrium and she wondered just when exactly it had become something she associated with comfort. “How ironic is it,” she mumbled while tucking her head underneath his chin, “that we just earlier had the most uncomfortable and embarrassing talk we’ve probably ever had and it feels like we are more at ease than ever before?”

“Hm, very!” he hummed as he put the empty glass down and leaned back against the wall so Cassia could get more comfortable. “But that’s a good thing, right?”

They would never have worked as a couple, and Anders was certain Cassia knew that as well. This right now? This was good. But for everything else? Too great were their differences. Too much work went into maintaining a simple friendship between them already. And yet, for a brief moment, alone in a dark room down in the Deep Roads, it had almost felt differently. Like nothing else had mattered but the two of them. 

“I know I said I am sorry for taking advantage of you, but nonetheless, I don’t regret what we did,” he said carefully. “I need you to know that it wasn’t out of pity that I kissed you or that I was thinking of… someone else. That it was about _you_ in that moment. That I really…”

“Wanted me?” Cassia finished the sentence with a scratchy feeling in her voice. She cleared her throat. “Me too,” she said, before chuckling slightly. “That was a pretty intense night. A good one. Despite everything that happened after.” 

Anders found himself humming in agreement. “It was certainly memorable.” There was a strange tension in the air all of a sudden, one that he couldn’t quite place. Cassia shifted against him, tilting her head to look at him.

“You know, now that there are absolutely no misunderstood expectations between us anymore...” She was talking quietly, but the look in her eyes made him pause.

Anders was still trying to understand what exactly she meant when he felt Cassia move, and with a fluid motion, she squeezed herself between the table and him, straddling his lap in the process.

“Cassia?” There was more than one question running through his head. But none of them actually made it past his lips as he felt his body instinctively reacting to her closeness, her smell, and the subtle press of her breasts against his chest. His hands were already on her hips, quietly pressing her closer before he could think about it. He blinked in confusion as her face was suddenly very close to his. So close he could see every freckle on her skin. They looked exactly like Adriene’s, he realized. Down to the smallest spot. He had spent far too much time looking at them, it seemed, having memorized even the smallest details. His chest suddenly felt too tight.

“Think about it,” she whispered against his lips. “This is the part we’ve been really good at together. No need to fall in disaster to enjoy this.” 

He could feel her breath on his skin, and his own conscience spoke up for a moment, telling him that this was definitely not a good idea. She was in a very emotional state, after all. He should stop this, it was the only decent thing to do. Cassia took that moment to slowly start grinding against him, and he couldn’t help but buck up against her.

“This is a really, really bad idea, Cassia!” he ground out between clenched teeth. 

Cassia twitched under his touch as Anders realized just how tense he was, his grip on her hips probably being almost painful in his efforts to try keeping himself from going further.

“Worse than deciding to sleep with someone just because she’s afraid of the dark?” She kept moving against him. “At least now we both know exactly where we stand, and neither of us owes anything to anyone else.” 

Anders moaned as he felt her teeth softly grazing over his lower lip. He wasn’t even sure if what she was saying made any sense at all, but she was right in one thing: They had been really good together in this aspect. He let go of her hips, and his hands slid up her legs, underneath the bunched-up parts of her dress that had settled obscenely high on her thighs. He felt her shiver under his touch and realized he had already made a decision as he gave up all pretense of trying to do the right thing and kissed her. 

Within minutes, their kisses turned into something more, something wild. Heated moans interrupted by sharp bites and fingers digging into skin. It didn’t take long for Anders to push Cassia further onto the table before getting rid of her undergarments so he could taste her. A guttural moan was his reward as he went straight to her center, disregarding any thoughts of slow teasing or soft build-ups. In moments, he had her twitching helplessly underneath him. 

The sharp sound of a glass shattering onto the ground made them both freeze. It was quiet for a second before he grinned at her, pulling her off the table and into his arms, kissing her again and almost making them stumble in the process of gently pushing her along into his bedroom.

“A horrible idea,” Anders mumbled against her, and Cassia chuckled.

“I know. But I don’t care,” she replied, pulling him closer. “Do you?”

“No.” Anders’ hands were at the buttons on her dress, unceremoniously pulling the front of it open, not bothering to get her entirely out of it. “It seems we are excellent at bad ideas. Call this mutual distraction.”

Cassia felt a shiver run through her as she felt his hands on her skin, the dress still half on but hanging open enough to leave him ample access to run his lips over her breasts. There were no romantic feelings of any kind between them, but _Maker_ , that didn’t keep her from wanting him right now regardless. 

Anders seemed to be on the same page, because a moment later, his hands were everywhere, pulling off the rest of her dress in swift moves. Almost forcefully, he pushed her back onto his bed, following her, his fingers running over her skin. There were kisses down her throat, along her breasts. A mouth closing around her nipple, sending delightful shivers of pleasure through her. A sense of urgency was in every touch, every lick over her skin and every move he made. Urgency that Cassia felt inside herself. She didn't need gentle caresses and calm, soothing touches right now. She let out a grateful moan as Anders pushed her legs apart, his fingers finding her center without teasing, without delay. He didn’t seem inclined on anything playful or calm either.

Cassia was already moving into his touch, trying to keep her volume down as little noises of approval left her mouth. His head followed his hands down her body, and she cried out softly as his lips closed around her most sensitive spot. Fascinated, she looked at him, taking in how he was still fully clothed while she was completely naked in his bed. His head moved against her, his tongue knowing exactly what to do. She felt his fingers at her entrance, dipping into the wetness of her arousal, adding to the movements of his tongue just right. Perfect even.

Cassia bit her lip, her eyes still fixed on his head between her legs. For a moment, her vision almost swam as a particular well-placed lick sent her into another bout of moaning. A shudder went through her entire body as her mind made the image in front of her eyes slightly change. The darkness of the room, the pleasure building up inside her, and the only thing she could see was his blond hair which made it all too easy for her to imagine something else. _Someone_ else. Someone she had just been missing a little too much lately.

A thought that was not entirely new to her… She felt her usual resistances wane away, run down by the exhaustion of the day. Where she had tried so hard lately to not let her mind even remotely go there, she couldn’t help herself now. 

As he doubled his efforts, his mouth pushing her towards release, Cassia felt helpless as her thoughts got flooded by images of Cullen instead. Cullen, between her legs, holding her hips in a strong grasp. Cullen, looking up at her while not taking his tongue away from her even for a moment. Cullen, sending her over the edge before hovering over her, entering her in one strong, deep thrust. She closed her eyes, giving herself over to the memory. 

She was getting closer and closer to her climax. The mouth on her was relentless. So were his fingers inside of her. Pushing her further and further, not giving her even a moment of respite. She felt hot and cold all over as she neared her peak, ready to let herself fall over the edge. A name almost on her lips that felt full of longing and desperation. A name that she should absolutely not have on her mind at all. The person she shouldn’t want, that she could never have. Heat flowed through her at the thought of the forbidden, and she felt a hand close around her own as Anders suddenly let up.

“Stop,” he nudged her, squeezing around her hand. It took Cassia a second to realize that he didn’t mean her thoughts, _couldn’t_ mean them after all. Rather, he meant the magic that was springing from her fingertips. She cursed her own lack of control. The heightened emotions seemed to have thrown her off even more than she had expected. 

“I can’t,” she breathed, still on edge. She needed him to continue. Right now. “Please,” she begged. “I need you to…”

Another reassuring squeeze. “And I want to,” Anders promised her quickly. “But you need to control this. Keep your magic inside…” he interrupted himself by giving her another lick. “I’ll take care of you,” he said softly. “But you _have_ to control yourself.”

Cassia knew he was right. If this would happen in bed with someone who didn’t know about her, it would be devastating. She nodded, pushing back at him, urging him to continue, and to her relief, he did almost instantly. His fingers started moving again, and Cassia felt herself being right back on the path to release when he started to alternate strong licks with equally strong sucking motions. But when she closed her eyes, she immediately saw Cullen’s face again. Directly, she felt her own magic sparking up and she tried her best to keep it under control.

“Cassia,” Anders breathed between licks. “Focus!”

Dread rose in her at the realization that her control seemed to be slipping more and more, the closer she got to release. She tried, her body straining over the fight between her instincts and her mind. Anders’ mouth was relentless on her, but so was his determination to not let her lose control over her magic. Whenever the magic bled out too strongly, he stopped, giving her brief windows of both respite and frustration all at once, not starting again until her magic had calmed down. 

“It’s impossible,” she breathed out. “Please!” Anders had the gall to actually chuckle against her.

“I have the strong feeling I know exactly what is keeping you from focusing,” he said, sounding almost sweet and it sent a shudder through Cassia. His fingers were hitting the perfect spot inside her, making it hard for her to concentrate on anything really. 

“You can’t prove that,” Cassia got out between clenched teeth, trying her best not to get distracted again and to keep her magic inside this time.

Anders seemed still amused by this. “Don’t have to,” he murmured against her skin. “Don’t care really. Whatever gets you off.” And with that, his mouth was back on her, and Cassia threw her head back into the pillows again.

A desperate thought about the inconvenience of magic ran through her when she felt the slow build-up of icy crystals on her fingertips and he slowed down yet again. As soon as she stopped herself, he was back on her, and Cassia let out a desperate sob. She needed to come, but her lack of control over her magic just wouldn’t let her. If only she could shut everything else off, could stop imagining someone else, then this probably wouldn’t have been an issue. Or if Anders would only let her come regardless. Would ignore her lack of control. She felt herself getting close again, shaking underneath him with how much she just _needed_.

_‘You want far too much…’_

Cassia cursed herself. Her own mess of emotions. Her own guilt about sleeping with someone else and still thinking about the man she actually wanted instead. The guilt about keeping all those secrets from Cullen. About lying to him since they had met. About knowing fully well that she would have to tell him an even bigger lie some day in the future. And last of all, she cursed her magic that was making everything unnecessarily difficult as usual. Clinging for control was making it impossible for her to let go. If only there was… Her next thought made her almost freeze in shock. 

Cullen. 

She had seen a templar in action before. Fought one even back in Ferelden once. How easily Cullen could probably take the magic away. Her magic. One single use of his abilities and her problem would be no more. The thought alone made her buck into Anders’ mouth, and suddenly, she felt everything inside her spill over as the thought she should feel ashamed for even having sent her over the edge. It didn’t even matter anymore that he tried to stop her as the magic burst forth again. She felt herself letting go, coming with a silent cry, an unspoken name never leaving her lips but burning itself into her mind instead.

When she came down again, busy with ignoring what had just happened in her head, and the world slowly fell into focus, Anders was above her, giving her a chastising look. A moment later, she realized why as she felt the frozen bits of blanket underneath her icy fingertips. He seemed ready to say something when Cassia shook her head, looking pointedly at his straining pants.

“Do you really want to discuss this right now?” she breathed, shaking the cold feeling off her hands before running them over his still clothed form. She pulled him closer, licking his lips and tasting herself on them. With a groan, Anders shook his head.

“We’re gonna talk about that,” he said, his voice trembling slightly. “But not now.”

Now he definitely needed something else first. With quick moves and combined efforts, they got him out of his robes and underclothes in record time and he was back on her, skin against skin only a moment later. 

“Maker,” he breathed, “Cassia! I need…” He trailed off into another moan as she ran a hand over his shaft, giving it a good stroke.

Cassia smiled at him, the remnants of pleasure still flowing through her as she stroked him more firmly.

“After that,” she breathed, “you can get anything you might need from me.” She listened as his breath quickened and he leaned into her touch. A gentle nudge against his chest made him pause. Cassia sent him a grin as she pushed him further until he moved off her and onto his back. A moment later, she was straddling him. Without the need to tease, she found his length again, positioning him at her entrance. He looked up at her with so much need in his eyes, she lost no time, sliding down onto him in one strong thrust. 

A guttural sound left him, and Cassia bent in close, trying to swallow it with a kiss. “Careful,” she murmured. “People outside could hear us and the last thing either of us needs is rumors of us getting to my sister.” She could feel him tense at the mention of Adriene, but he didn’t stop trying to match her movement, only nodding briefly. The feeling of his length inside her, his unrest beneath her, his obvious unwillingness to take it slow even a little bit sent a renewed burst of lust through her body.

For a brief moment, his eyes went past her, and it didn’t take her long to realize that he, too, was thinking about something else. _Someone_ else most likely. It seemed they both had other people, unattainable people, on their minds tonight. She started to move on top of him, making him twitch with need as she deliberately tensed her muscles, clenching around him on her way down.

Her mouth hovered closely over his as she breathed, “Just how much do you wish for me to be her right now?” His eyes snapped open, a torn look of longing inside them. 

“Cassia…” he sounded almost helpless as he stared at her. Torn between his need and his shame. But making him feel ashamed had not been her goal at all. She shook her head.

“You know, when I said _anything_? I meant it.” Cassia nipped at his bottom lip as she kept up her pace of moving up and down. His eyes were full of confusion as she drew back a bit, grinding herself down onto him slightly stronger. She smiled at him. “Close your eyes.”

She could see he was torn, but at another swirl of her hips, he did as she asked. With a deep breath, never stopping her rhythm, Cassia bent over him again, licking up a trail over his neck and up, until she could playfully bite his earlobe. Anders moaned beneath her, bucking his hips up to meet her movements. All thoughts of right or wrong, morally sound or not had left Cassia a while ago as she let her lips ghost over his ear and lowered her voice.

“Anders,” she breathed against him, and she felt him go almost rigid against her the moment he heard her talk. 

Their voices had always been similar, but Adriene usually spoke a bit firmer, with more of her lower register, far less airy than Cassia’s own voice was. But knowing how to sound like the other was something they had both learned ages ago. Once learned as a prank to their family, Cassia would have never thought that talent to become useful in anything resembling this particular situation, but here she was. 

“Anders,” she repeated, sounding almost exactly like Adriene as she softly whispered into his ear. “Please… I need you!” 

The effect was certainly powerful. Anders groaned against her, his fingers twitching against her skin, grabbing her hard enough to bruise.

“Cassia!” There was so much pure want in his voice it made her shudder. “This is so messed up. You can’t…”

“The world is messed up,” she said softly, in her own voice again. “I can’t give you what you really want, but I can give you this.” If he wanted it, that was.

Cassia could feel the exact second in which he snapped underneath her. With a low growl, he grabbed her, lifting her off him before flipping them around. She let out a small grunt as she felt forcefully pressed into the sheets, Anders on top of her. His eyes were wild as he thrust into her again. Instinctively, she threw her legs around him, drawing him in closer. His lips were on hers in a bruising, bordering on painful kiss before he started pushing into her faster. 

Anders’ eyes were still wide, staring at her as she pushed back into his thrusts with just as much fervor. “Keep talking!” he pressed out between clenched teeth.

Cassia pulled his head closer, seeing his eyes fall shut as she put her mouth next to his ear again, changing her voice so he could pretend, even just for a moment.

“You feel so good inside me,” she murmured and the shiver that went through him made her gasp. “More, please, I need more.”

He groaned again, picking up his pace and Cassia did her best in matching his thrusts. They were becoming increasingly irregular as he neared his own release rapidly. As she felt him go even faster, she gave his earlobe another tug with her teeth, keeping up the voice he wanted to hear most.

“Anders,” she whispered. “Anders, please. I want you! I need you! Anders, I-”

She didn’t get to finish her sentence when suddenly his mouth was on hers, sealing her lips by kissing her forcefully. His unyielding lips making her swallow a moan, sounding suspiciously like a name that definitely wasn’t hers as he spilled inside her.

There was a strange silence settling over the entire room as they both tried to get their breathing back under control. Quietly, Anders slipped out of her, letting himself fall down onto the mattress right next to Cassia. As strange as the sudden silence was between them, it didn’t feel terribly uncomfortable. To her surprise, she couldn’t bring herself to feel too bad about anything that had happened in the room tonight. Just as she had assured him earlier. The world was messed up. What more could her own mess really do to make it worse? Next to her, Anders turned, propping his head up on his elbow as he looked at her.

“So… that just happened,” he said slowly, and Cassia turned her head until she could look better at him.

“It certainly did,” she agreed. “Mutual distraction, right?” She sighed. It had made one thing absolutely clear to her. “Anders, I can’t take you up on your offer, as much as it would certainly help,” she said plainly. It was a realization that had formed all through their encounter already.

Anders sighed, but there was nothing but understanding on his face. “I know. We would end up in something like this. And as fun as it was, it’s not…”

“Good for either of us?” Cassia prompted, and Anders nodded. 

Cassia let out a deep breath, and a sad smile appeared on her face as she looked past him for a moment, staring at the empty wall behind him. “I think it would also never really be enough for either of us...”

“No, it wouldn’t,” came his quiet agreement.

Cassia caught herself thinking that of course, it was something absolutely outrageous like this where they were finally on the same side and of the same opinion. Everything could have been so much easier, Cassia thought, if they both had not picked this exact moment to be reasonable for once. But in a way, she was nothing but grateful for how this evening had gone. Better to come to these conclusions now than later, after both of them had made decisions they didn’t really want to make.

“So, back to somewhat messed-up friends with disastrous tendencies then, alright?” she suggested with a decidedly more light-hearted tone already, and Anders started to grin at her.

“That, too, but also back to healer and patient!” With that, he let his fingers slide over her upper body. “You are five months pregnant and I can see almost all of your ribs! You are not eating enough. Or not healthy enough. I am going to make you a list!”

She had started to twitch under his touch, rolling her eyes at his serious tone. “You know when you said healer and patient, I expected something kinky and not actual health advice!”

Anders snorted as he sat up. “You know I’m not that kind of healer, but if you are ever in Denerim, I can give you an address…”

Cassia was laughing outright as she got up as well and started to pick her clothes back up. “Wait till I’m not pregnant anymore and can be appropriately drunk before you tell me that story!” As she was putting her dress back on, hunting down her smallclothes from the table they had been on earlier, she called back to him, “How about I pick up that list tomorrow? It’s really late, and I should get going.”

Anders had thrown his robe back on as he appeared in the doorway behind her. “You could stay here again, you know that, right?”

She sent him back a smile but shook her head. “I really shouldn’t. I am quite good at ignoring common sense and have abysmal self-control. It’s better if I go. For both of us.”

He didn’t try to talk her into staying, he only nodded. “I’ll have that list for you tomorrow. Be careful on your way home!” 

“I always am! Take care, Anders!” And with a last look back and a smile that, to her own surprise, held neither regret nor any bitterness, Cassia went on her way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to talk to us about sneak peaks, stories and characters making questionable decisions over on [Tumblr](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com)


	16. Breakfast

It was an early, cold morning in Haring when Adriene stood in front of Fenris’ mansion, a little basket in her hand and a nervous flutter in her stomach. She hadn’t visited him alone for a few weeks already and was intent on changing that, but ever since Fenris had started to put some distance between them, she was no longer as certain of her welcome as she had been before. But she would never be certain if she didn’t try.

With a deep breath, she knocked. She did not have to wait long until Fenris opened his door.

“Good morning!” she said, her smile brightening as she saw him. “I just thought I’d drop by to…” she started, but a call from upstairs interrupted her immediately.

“Fenris! You are out of clean towels… Again!” The voice was unmistakably Cassia’s, and the smile on Adriene’s face turned confused.

Fenris sighed, giving Adriene an apologetic look. “No, I’m not,” he called back. “I put fresh ones out for you earlier, look again!”

With a shake of his head, he turned back to Adriene. “Sorry, your sister really has no patience before her first coffee, doesn’t she?” He chuckled quietly.

“Cassia?“ Adriene stared at him in confusion. “Wait, did she spend the night here?”

The look he gave her was nearly comical. “She has spent the last week here. Did you not notice that?”

Before Adriene could answer, Cassia came down the stairs behind him, patting her hair dry as she walked, obviously having found the towels after all. “I borrowed one of your shirts, Fenris,” she noted casually. “Mine is completely unwearable. I’ll get it back to you soon.”

Fenris snorted. “Like you did the last two?”

Adriene was still standing in the doorway, looking dumbfounded from Fenris to her sister. The smile had bled from her face, and for a second, she struggled with keeping her usual air of perpetual amusement. “What happened to your shirt?” she blurted out before she could think better of it.

Cassia’s eyebrows flew up as she realized her sister was there. “Oh, Adriene, morning! I didn’t know you would come by. Ah, well...” She looked at Fenris, struggling to come up with a better explanation than ‘morning sickness made me get rid of my early morning snack again rather violently.’

“She spilled something over it,” Fenris said simply before the hitch in Cassia’s words could get too long, too noticeable.

“I did!” Cassia put on a smile. “You know me, clumsy!” Before the situation could get any worse, she waved her hands. “Have you eaten already?” she asked her sister. “We were just about to have breakfast.”

“I…” Adriene started, feeling completely out of her depth. Her eyes wandered from Cassia to Fenris and back, and suddenly, her throat closed. She had known they spent a lot of time together since Cassia had come back from the Deep Roads a few weeks ago, had known how close they were, and she had even entertained the thought that they were or would become more than just friends. She thought she had prepared herself for it. But seeing it confirmed had a worse impact than she had anticipated. ‘Stupid’, she scolded herself, realizing that she had retained some hope. Some feeling.

Her answer was just a tad too late as she looked back at her sister, putting on her brightest smile.

“No.” Her voice was not as steady as she had intended, and she quickly cleared her throat. “I mean, yes. I mean, I brought you two a little something.”

And with that, she pressed the little basket with fresh fruit and bread she had brought into Fenris’ hands before she took a quick step backward. For a second, she thought he would say something, but when she saw his gaze flicker to Cassia, she gave her sister an exaggerated wink.

“Have fun!” she called with just the right amount of suggestiveness in her voice, then she turned on the spot and hurried away before either of them could say something.

She was already halfway to Lowtown before she even realized where she was. For a second, she stopped, leaning against a wall.

“Dammit, pull yourself together, Adriene,” she murmured, rubbing a hand over her eyes as if that would get rid of the sadness in her heart. She was a terrible sister. She should be happy for Cassia!

How often had Cassia told her about her dreams of finding someone to be happy with, someone who knew all about her magic and was fine with it, someone to build a life with. And Fenris knew about her. He not only knew about her, but he also supported her — despite his own past. There could be no better proof of his true feelings, could there? And they saw eye to eye. Unlike herself and Fenris, who seemed to fight with each other nearly as much as they were fighting next to each other. Had she honestly thought there could be anything between herself and him?

Yeah, sure, there had been moments. Smiles, flirts, looks. Touches that had seemed to burn on her skin for hours afterward. He had held her after the false death message from the Deep Roads expedition, and it had helped. At that moment, nothing but their proximity had mattered. In the months after the expedition had left Kirkwall, she had spent so much time with him and Isabela, had become so close to him. She had hoped that it would stay that way, had allowed some emotion to blossom without even noticing it. But soon after they came back, Cassia had started to hang out with him. And Adriene had taken a step backward, and another, because she saw the change in her sister. He was good for her. And from what she had seen, Cassia was good for him, too. She made him smile.

Adriene should be happy for them.

Yes.

She took a deep breath and straightened. She _would_ be happy for Cassia. For both of them. With renewed determination, she walked on, deeper into Lowtown, nodding and smiling at some people she knew. There was one person who always knew how to lighten her mood, who was indiscriminately open in her affection.

Isabela.

It wasn’t long afterward that she and Bela sat at the docks, legs dangling over the pier. As usual, Bela leaned against her and Adriene found herself breathing a bit easier.

“So, they are seriously a couple?” Bela asked, skepticism in her voice. Adriene shrugged, looking at her fingers.

“Seems that way. I mean, she is obviously sleeping with him, regularly spending the night, and from what he said, it’s the third shirt she got from him because her own was no longer wearable. And I can totally see him ripping something in the heat of the moment, you know.”

“Oh, of that I have no doubt,” Isabela nodded. “I just thought…” Suddenly, she interrupted herself. “Never mind.”

Adriene gave her a sideways look. “What?” she asked. Her eyebrows rose as she saw Isabela somewhat uneasy for the first time since they knew each other.

Isabela shook her head, clicking her tongue. “I… ah, it’s nothing.”

“No, come on, tell me!” Adriene urged her, giving her a little nudge.

For a few moments, the pirate was quiet. “Well, I thought he was into _you,_ is all,” she confessed. “But then, if he was in love with Cassia the whole time, that actually explains the way he reacted to Anders.”

Adriene stared at her friend. “Reacted to Anders? What?”

Isabela actually squirmed under her look. “Look, it’s nothing,” she quickly assured her friend. “It was just a little… seems like Cassia had _something_ with Anders in the Deep Roads, and I felt like Fenris was especially hostile towards Anders these last weeks. I thought he overreacted somewhat, but if he had feelings for Cassia all along, that explains why he was so annoyed. And it also explains why they left so often with each other.”

Adriene opened her mouth to say something, then she closed it again. For a long moment, she just looked out onto the water sloshing against the harbor walls. All of that had happened directly in front of her eyes and she hadn’t noticed anything? Not the thing with Anders, not the renewed hostility between him and Fenris, and not Cassia staying with Fenris for such a long time. She had been preoccupied with work and the petition to the Viscount for their mansion, but… this? She had rarely felt so stupid.

All the times she had flirted with Fenris and he had flirted back. Or so she had thought. Had she overinterpreted his reactions? Had she missed something? With a groan, she put her face into her hands, pushing the clenching of her heart to the far back of her consciousness.

“Blight. I made such a complete fool of myself,” she murmured. “No wonder Cassia hasn’t told me about her and Fenris. I’ve flirted with him, you know.”

“Oh, I know,” Isabela interjected, her voice loaded with meaning, and Adriene groaned again. “I actually thought you two would end up with each other. At least in bed. Or more. In fact…” After a pause, she turned towards her friend, asking directly, “Adriene, are you in love with Fenris?”

“I… what?” Adriene sputtered, blood rushing into her cheeks. “What, no, I…” She trailed off as she saw Isabela’s look, and for a moment, she didn’t know what to say.

Was she in love?

She had never really thought about it. She had entertained some… ideas about him, about _them_ , but with everything that was going on, anything more had always seemed out of the question. It certainly wasn’t a light-hearted, giddy love she felt for him. But there had been moments, despite all their differences and fights, when she felt so safe with him, so warm… Even apart from the obvious attraction, she just felt _better_ when she was with him. There was always this happy little flutter inside her, that longing when he was close, when he held her, when he smiled at her. When his eyes turned suggestive and there was honest humor in his laugh.

Adriene froze when she felt her heart clench at the thought.

 _Blight_.

She _was_ in love. How had she never realized this before?

Her heart raced and a suspicious prickling was in the corner of her eyes as she looked at Isabela.

“Ah, seagull,” Bela murmured, her voice dark and sad. Adriene quickly looked back out at the sea, blinking furiously.

“Do you… do you mind?” she asked in a small voice after a moment, ugly desperation in her heart. She wasn’t even sure why she asked… her feelings towards Isabela had not changed, after all. No matter what she felt for Fenris, there still was that combination of closeness and heat and fierceness that only Isabela elicited. And the careful assurance that it was nothing more than fun and friendship between them, all with that underlying current of what felt more and more like deception.

Maybe that was why she felt compelled to ask.

Bela scoffed, but there was a little smile in the corner of her mouth. “Of course not, sweet thing. Why would I? I’m half in love with that man myself. I mean, look at him.”

Without meaning to, Adriene laughed with a nod, a sad little sound lined with a sob. It was not like she couldn’t understand Cassia. If only she couldn’t understand Cassia so well...

When their eyes met, there was something unspoken between them, and their hands met, fingers intertwining.

“Doesn’t matter now, does it,” Adriene said eventually and cleared her throat. “I never should’ve even started to flirt with him. I mean, most of the time he doesn’t even like me! We’re fighting so often, he disagrees with me on such fundamental things. And I would have stopped if I knew they were… This morning, he was so happy with her, you know? Ugh, I’m such an idiot.”

She felt Isabela’s chin on her shoulder, one arm coming around her waist. “No, you’re not. I’ve flirted with him as well, and he reacted, too. And as I said, I also thought he was into you. They were actually pretty sneaky. _Are_ pretty sneaky.”

Adriene shook her head, her hand giving Isabela’s fingers a grateful squeeze, biting hard on her lower lip to keep it from quivering. “And I thought I was the only Hawke stupid enough to risk friendship for sex. Turns out, Cassia actually had — or rather _has —_  something with even two of our friends. Or did you, too…?”

Bela grinned. “No. Even though I’ve always wondered about having twins in my — ouch!” She laughed and rubbed over her arm where Adriene had punched her. “But no worries, Adriene, you could never ruin our friendship with sex. Not after _that_ night. No chance I’m giving up a chance at a repeat performance just because it might or might not be awkward.”

Adriene actually chuckled, somewhat feeling better. “Who knows,” she shrugged with a smile that only half reached her eyes. “Let’s have a party and see where it leads. We might even take it to the next level and go to the Blooming Rose.”

After all, what better way to get over a hopeless crush — she refused to acknowledge anything more than that — than to forget herself in the arms of her best friend. No strings attached.

She was no relationship girl anyway.


	17. Revelation

Adriene waited for another few days after the talk with Isabela, but Cassia did not seek her out. It took her yet another few days to realize why. It was a late evening in the Hanged Man where she found herself laughing at something Fenris had said, and even before she had thought about it, she started to answer with something suggestive. Too late, she remembered that she was flirting with _her sister’s boyfriend_ and stopped talking mid-sentence, red dots appearing on her cheeks.

Fenris’ amused smile disappeared at her flustered, horrified face, and he raised his eyebrows at her.

“Are you alright?” he asked cautiously.

Adriene quickly nodded, looking over to Cassia who was talking to Merrill. “Yeah, sure,” she said, covering her awkwardness with a fake laugh. “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I, uhm, need another drink, you want another drink, too? I’m gonna get us another drink.”

Without waiting for his answer, she stood up, nearly stumbling over King Barkistair, who slept behind her, and hurried over to the bar. Before she could even talk to Corff, Isabela was next to her.

“Subtle, seagull, subtle,” she murmured, her voice full of laughter.

“Great, thanks,” Adriene groaned and leaned against her, burying her face at Isabela’s shoulder.

“No, really, the only thing that would have made more obvious that there is something going on would have been a direct ‘sorry I keep flirting, I forgot you’re sleeping with my sister.’”

Suddenly, Anders’ voice was on her other side. “Who is sleeping with whom?”

Adriene looked up at him, but he only had a genuinely confused frown on his face. Isabela snickered, barely evading Adriene as she tried to elbow her friend into the side.

For a second, Adriene didn’t know what to say, then she did what she did best: attack head-on.

“Well, apparently, you, with my twin sister,” she said with a sweet smile, crossing her arms before her chest, raising her eyebrows at him. Anything to keep herself distracted from Fenris and Cassia back at the table.

Behind her, Isabela’s laughter got louder as she sagged against the wall, but Anders just stared at Adriene, obviously at a loss for words. His ears started turning red. “I…” he stuttered.

“And neither of you told me!” Adriene added, just a hint of accusation to her voice, but teasing in her eyes. “I thought we’re friends!”

Anders’ face fell. “We are! I’m… sorry,” he murmured, adding hastily, “It was not… I mean, it’s not like we’re... and with everything that’s going on now...”

Before he could go on, Adriene took pity on him. The way he so obviously felt bad about whatever had happened between him and Cassia made her regret having teased him. Her smile softened and she took her arms down.

“Anders, it’s alright. I mean, you’re both adults and know what you’re doing, so really, it’s alright,” she said, but when he did not respond immediately, she lay a hand on his arm, tilting her head. “Hey, I’m not really mad, I was teasing.” There was something in his eyes she couldn’t quite interpret so she added, “Really, I don’t mind.”

For a second, she thought she saw a flash of something like sadness on his face, but it was quickly replaced by a smile. “Well. I’m glad then.”

From behind her, Isabela chimed in with a suspiciously sweet voice, “Is that so?”

Anders narrowed his eyes at Isabela, but before anything could escalate, Adriene interjected, “Come on, Bela, stop it. It’s not like either of us is unfamiliar with having fun for a night. And it was before… you know, so no harm done, right?”

“Uhm,” Anders made, but at that moment, Corff finally came over. “Another round, Hawke?”

“Yes, please!” she said relieved, oblivious to the looks Anders and Isabela exchanged. Corff put another round of tankards with fresh ale on the bar and Adriene grabbed two of them. “Alright, come help me carry this back to the others.” Without waiting for them, she walked back to the table, deliberately seating herself far away from Fenris and avoiding his eyes. But still, when she met Cassia’s gaze, her sister frowned at her with a questioning look. Adriene gave her a shrug and a smile, a sinking feeling in her stomach that she quickly tried to drown with more ale.

So Cassia had noticed her flirting with Fenris. _Shit_. That must be the reason why she hadn’t told her yet about their relationship. Adriene had wondered about it, but now that she thought about it, it was only too obvious: Cassia knew about her interest in Fenris and felt bad for her, probably didn’t know how to tell her. All just because she couldn’t keep her mouth shut for even one evening.

The best thing would be to address the whole thing herself. To make sure that Cassia knew she would keep out of their relationship and rein her flirting in. That she was alright with it. With _them_. No, not that she was alright, that she was happy for them.

Even though her heart did a painful clench at the thought, she felt somewhat better after she had come to this decision. Being honest with Cassia was more important than her heartbreak.

* * *

It was the next day that she found Cassia alone in front of the fire, King Barkistair snoring at her feet while she was reading. Adriene knew that both her mother and Bethany were in Hightown, talking with the carpenters about the renovations to the Amell estate that were in full progress. In just a few weeks, they would be able to finally move out of Gamlen’s hut and back into the Amell estate.

“Hey Cass,” she said. Her sister looked up from her book and gave her a little smile.

“Is Gamlen home?” Adriene asked as she put her coat and weapons away and took off her boots.

Cassia shook her head. “No. Why, what has he done now?”

Adriene grinned. “For once, nothing.” She came over and scratched King Barkistair’s head. The big dog yawned and stretched before she rolled on her back to give her access to her belly. For a moment, Adriene was content to pet her dog, then she looked back up at Cassia. “Cass, I was hoping to talk to you alone. Do you have a moment?”

Her sister blinked in surprise, but she nodded and put her book to the side. “Sure. Are you alright?”

Adriene nodded and settled down a bit more comfortably. The fire was warm against her back, the flickering orange and red softening the cracks in the floor and the faded paint at the wall. Maker, she wouldn’t miss this house at all, she thought. Then she focussed back on Cassia.

“Listen, I was… I wanted to apologize,” she said after a deep breath. “For yesterday. I didn’t mean to flirt, really. It just… happened. But I promise I didn’t mean anything by it. I would never put myself between you two. Really. I’m glad you’re happy, both of you, and… yeah. Just, sorry.”

Cassia looked at her sister full of confusion. She had been putting off talking to Adriene for the last couple of days, still now knowing how to bring up her situation, how to explain what was going on to her sister. It seemed like Adriene had noticed something was off, but Cassia had no idea just what her sister was trying to say right now.

“Flirt?” she asked, not even sure who Adriene was talking about. “With who?”

That was not quite the reaction Adriene had expected. Narrowing her eyes with a confused look, she said slowly, “Well, with Fenris of course. I mean, I’ve been wondering why you hadn’t told me about you, but when we were in the Hanged Man yesterday, I knew. It was because I kept flirting with him, right? But I promise I hadn’t realized it before the morning when I brought you breakfast. I had my suspicions, but I guess I…” _didn’t want to acknowledge it_ , she nearly said, but she interrupted herself before she blurted out another thing that had to hurt Cassia. “I don’t know, I was oblivious, I think. But I just want you to know that I really won’t do anything to threaten your relationship. I’m happy for you, I really am.” She gave her sister a smile. “I just want to make sure that you know that you can talk to me about this. About anything. And that you don’t have to worry about my feelings. I’m alright, I really am.”

Fenris? For a moment, Cassia wasn’t following her sister at all until what Adriene said suddenly started to make sense. Her sister thought that… Cassia couldn’t help herself, and before she could even say one word, she was laughing wholeheartedly.

Adriene looked taken aback for a moment, giving her a strange look.

“Cass?” her sister asked, her eyes narrowed. “I am trying to have an honest heart to heart here, and you are not really helping!”

Cassia was holding her stomach by now. After all the things that had happened, the ups and downs of the past few days or even weeks, the worries and the constant keeping of secrets, the fact that Adriene thought that what she was keeping from her was something like _this_ was unreasonably amusing.

“I am so sorry, Adriene,” she got out in between wheezing. “It’s not actually that funny, it’s just…” She took a few more deep breaths, forcing herself to calm down. “It’s just that I was actually trying to work up the courage to talk to you for days, and I still am really not prepared for this.” Adriene’s expression had gotten curious as she waited for Cassia to continue.

It was a prime moment. Cassia knew that she had no more excuses not to talk to Adriene right now. Her sister was here, willing to talk, to listen and with a big misconception that Cassia needed to resolve on top of it. No one else was home that could interrupt them. It was the opportunity Cassia had been waiting for. Still, something in her was more tense than ever before, and it showed in a small shake in her voice as she started to talk.

“Adriene, you are right that I kept something from you, but it’s not this,” Cassia said, still a bit out of breath. “I’m pregnant.”

For a long moment, Adriene was sure that she misheard her sister, and all she could do was stare at her.

“You… you’re what?” she then said as her brain slowly processed the words. A wave of disbelief, awe, and incredible sadness, followed by an equally big wave of guilt about her own feelings washed over her. No, she couldn’t feel sad, she just told Cassia that she was happy for them. But… She blinked, quickly shaking her feelings off as she saw the sudden uncertainty and anguish in Cassia’s face.

“You’re pregnant,” she repeated, focussing on the awe that this little word elicited, laughter bubbling up in her at the thought. “You’re pregnant?!” With a shake of her head and a little laugh, she quickly closed the short distance between them and wrapped her arms around her sister.

“Oh Cass, congratulations!! This is amazing!” Holding Cassia in her arms, she blinked the tears away. “Cass, this… this is wonderful! I am so happy for you!”

As she looked her twin in the eyes with a wide smile, she found that it was true. After the first moment, she felt genuine joy for her. For them. “And it’s the perfect timing, now that we’re moving up to Hightown and everything! Maker, Mom is going to be beyond happy, and Bethany! A baby!”

Happy? Cassia was more than just a little taken aback by the range of her sister’s reaction. This was the opposite of what she had anticipated. They were about to move to Hightown. Their mother had plans for them after all. Plans that included being respectable for once.

“Adriene, I am an unmarried woman that is five months pregnant,” she said, sending her sister a guarded look. “On top of it, my magic keeps slipping up, and I have no idea why.”

Cassia shook her head. It felt almost uncomfortable to try and argue her sister out of her enthusiasm.

“I mean, I am really, really glad that you are happy for me, I truly am, but I am also really worried about the future right now.”

Adriene frowned at her sister. “But… why? Because of Hightown? I mean, nobles shmobles, I don’t care. Mom might be panicky at first, but just wait until she sees that baby, then she’ll take on the whole of Kirkwall’s nobility if need be. And, well, unmarried for now, but that’s something you can change.”

She often clashed with her mother, but this was something she was sure of.

“And, yes, Hightown! For the first time, we actually have money and don’t have to worry about this, and the mansion even has enough room, so Fenris can move in, too, if he wants to, so you don’t have to move into Danarius’ mansion that he refuses to renovate.” Adriene gave her sister a smile and pressed her hand reassuringly. “I can understand that this is overwhelming, I really do, but you’re not alone in this.”

“Alright, before this goes any further,” Cassia gave her sister a stern look, “what is this thing about Fenris?”

“What do you mean?” Adriene looked adorably confused. “As I said before, I get why you didn’t say anything, but…”

“No, you got this all wrong, Adriene,” Cassia interrupted her sister, who seemed to be absolutely convinced of her theory, for whatever reason. “I don’t know how you came to this conclusion, but Fenris and I are nothing but friends.”

“What do you mean, nothing but friends?” Adriene said, confused. A strange feeling was in her belly as she spoke, a nearly nervous flutter. “I thought you were… But you’re a couple, aren’t you?” Cassia just raised her eyebrows without saying anything, so Adriene listed all the things that made it so obvious. Or that she had thought made it so obvious. “Everybody knows this! Or, well, at least Isabela does, so Varric does, too. I don’t know about the rest. Merrill’s oblivious of such things after all, and Anders never notices anything concerning Fenris, and Aveline and Sebastian have better things to do than talk about stuff like that, but you’ve more or less moved in with him, after all. And Bela said he’s been more annoyed than usual with Anders, seemingly for sleeping with you, and… oh yes, that morning when I brought you breakfast? I mean, it was obvious then. What with the shirts and all. And how happy you two were.”

That had been the most important thing. How happy they had been, how much they had smiled.

“Everybody knows this?” Cassia raised her eyebrows. She definitely needed to set the record straight. “I slept at his place because I have horrible morning sickness and I didn’t want anyone finding out before I was ready to tell you,” Cassia explained, realizing that Adriene had the completely wrong idea, her eyes sparkling in amusement before she continued. “He is always annoyed at Anders, you know this.” She gave her sister a very pointed look. “Oh, and what else? Ah, the shirts! I took his, and I fully admit on never ever getting them back to him, because they are damn comfy. And I ruined some of mine by getting surprised by said morning sickness,” she closed with a wide grin on her face. Her sister looked at her in confusion, and Cassia had to laugh again.

“I have never slept with him, Adriene, and a kiss on the cheek has been the closest I have ever been to anything remotely like that.” She shook her head at the mere thought of something more between them. “And that’s like, I don’t know, kissing Bethany on the forehead when she made me my favorite cake.”

Again, Adriene could do nothing but stare at her sister. The rush of emotions racing through her was overwhelming and she quickly blinked to rein them back in. What the Blight was this? Relief? She couldn’t be relieved, could she?

“Wait, so…” She interrupted herself again and shook her head with a little frown, her thoughts stumbling over themselves. “But… so you’re not his partner - and he’s not the father?”

Cassia shook her head, her eyes still sparking with amusement.

Adriene rattled on. “But - five months, so…” She frowned again as she counted back. No, the Deep Roads couldn’t be it. Or could it?! “Wait, Anders?” Her eyes widened. “Is Anders the father?!”

Cassia shook her head again. “No, he isn’t. I actually haven’t seen the… father since…” she sighed. “Well, since it happened. And he is no longer here.”

Adriene didn’t seem satisfied with that answer. “No longer here? Who is he? Do I know him?”

If there was one thing she was really bad at, it was straight-up lying to her sister. Cassia rarely felt as bad as when she tried. “You know _of_ him,” she said slowly, trying to salvage both the situation and her conscience. “Remember that guy I met in the harbor tavern I told you about?”

Her sister’s eyes widened. “The sexy tavern guy? You met him again after all?”

Cassia nodded. “I did, but I haven’t seen him since before we went into the Deep Roads, and I have no idea where he is.” After a short moment of deliberation, she added, “And I am rather sure that this wouldn’t have a future anyway, so in that way, I am indeed alone in this.”

“Oh…” Adriene made, looking rather helplessly at Cassia. There was a definite sadness in her sister’s voice, even if she tried to overplay it. But Adriene knew her too well to be fooled by her show of bravery. Again, she leaned forward to pull her into her arms. “Ah, Cass, I’m so sorry,” she murmured into her hair. For a few moments, she just held her before she let go again. “But, who knows, maybe you’ll see him again after all, and maybe…” she trailed off when she saw Cassia’s look, deflating somewhat. It seemed like Cassia was very sure that the guy would not be in the picture.

“Well, but if there is one thing that is sure, then it’s that you’re not alone in this.” She took her hand again. “You’ll always have me. And the rest of us. Fenris knows, yes?” She waited until Cassia nodded slightly before she smiled. “See, so you’ll also have him. You’re not alone.”

Before Cassia could answer, the door opened.

“... the curtains for the living room,” Leandra’s excited and happy voice wafted towards them, followed by Bethany’s affirmative hum.

They both looked up to see the two come in through the door. Bethany gave them a smile and took off her scarf and coat.

“Everything alright?” she asked in her soft voice, and Leandra looked up to them as Adriene nodded.

“Cassia, Adriene, how lovely,” she exclaimed, a huge smile on her face. “We’re just coming from the mansion, and it looks like they’re going to be finished sooner than expected! Wait until we show you the fabric samples for the curtains! Bethany dear, where do you have them?”

While Leandra and Bethany were rummaging through the bags they had brought, Adriene looked at Cassia.

“You want to tell them now?” she asked softly.

Cassia drew in a sharp breath. It was one thing to tell Adriene, but her mother as well? On the other hand, it was not something she could hide for very long. She wasn’t showing yet, but the day that it would become obvious was approaching rapidly. Maybe it was best to get it over with. She nodded, and the moment that she did, Adriene took charge in her usual way.

“Mom, you better sit down,” Adriene said, sounding surprisingly serious for once. “We have to tell you something.”

Leandra didn’t seem to notice the change in her daughter’s voice as she put down another one of her bags before turning around with a wide smile on her face. “Alright,” she said with a hint of amusement in her voice, and for a moment, Cassia could see the resemblance between her mother and her twin sister clear as day. The same good-natured, joking demeanor as Leandra continued, “So, which one of you set the Viscount’s house on fire?” she asked humorously. “Oh no, wait, which one of you is pregnant?”

There would have been an awkward silence if not for the loud sound of a large amount of ice crashing to the floor, splintering into a thousand pieces as Cassia felt her hands almost cramp under the sudden strain. For a moment, everyone was looking at the floor at Cassia’s feet in shock. When she looked up, she saw her mother’s smile frozen in place as she gave her an almost helpless look.

“I was joking…” Leandra said tonelessly, not taking her eyes off her daughter.

“I’m not,” Cassia answered quietly. “I’m so sorry, Mom…”

Adriene bit her lip anxiously as she looked from her mother to her twin, waiting for her mother’s reaction. A tense silence stretched, and she exchanged a look with Bethany who looked stricken and utterly surprised. Despite her earlier assurances, she was far from certain that Leandra would be, _could_ be supportive from the beginning. Her mother let herself fall heavily into the chair she had been standing in front of.

“Well. No use in being sorry now, is there?” Leandra sighed, but without malice. “So who is the father? Why is he not here to introduce himself?”

Cassia swallowed before she took in a deep breath, gathering the courage to talk. “He is out of the picture, and I have no means of contacting him,” she said simply. Not that she was sure that she even should contact him if she had the means, but that was something no one else needed to know. At her mother’s raised eyebrows, she explained to her the same thing she had told Adriene. About her tavern acquaintance and her thoughtless encounter before the Deep Roads.

“I see,” Leandra finally said. “So when did you find out and how far along are you?” Her questions were direct and to the point, not betraying much about her mother’s feelings on the subject matter, and Cassia wasn’t sure if she wouldn’t have preferred a stronger, more obvious reaction to the uncertainty.

“About five and a half months,” she answered. “And I found out a little over two weeks ago.”

“Two weeks?” Leandra leaned forward, looking at her intently. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Did you already see a healer? Made sure you are healthy? Are you eating right, and most of all, do you know just how little time that leaves us to get everything in order?”

Cassia’s eyes widened slightly as her mother broke out into a full-blown rant. Leandra stood up, starting to walk around as the continued.

“We need to hurry up things with the house, no way are we putting you under the strain of moving to another part of the city later in the pregnancy. And we need to make arrangements with a tailor!” She turned to Bethany, who was still looking kind of stunned at her older sister. “Beth darling, you already have my notebook, start making a list, please? We need to get a carpenter for the nursery, oh, and we definitely need to rethink the room arrangements in the mansion!”

Cassia listened to her mother with a by now almost comically shocked expression. Whatever she had expected from her mother, this was the complete opposite. A huge feeling of relief settled over her, vying for dominance with her complete sense of confusion.

“You are not mad?” she whispered, and Leandra suddenly stopped, turning around sharply.

“Mad? No! Never!” she said with so much conviction that Cassia had no doubt that her mother stood behind her words wholeheartedly. With two quick strides, her mother was in front of her, hugging her fiercely.

“Surprised? Yes,” Leandra murmured against Cassia’s hair as she held her close. “But I remember all too well how I felt when I was with child, with you actually, and my own parents didn’t support me.” Despite the time that had passed since then, there was a small shake in her voice at those words. “I knew then that I would never want to do the same.”

Cassia blinked away the beginnings of tears in her eyes again, looking at both Bethany’s and Adriene’s smiling faces over her mother’s shoulder.

“See? I told you Mom would be excited to become a grandma!” Adriene said triumphantly, and Cassia felt her mother chuckle before she drew back.

“You are not wrong,” Leandra said, still smiling. “We are Hawkes. As long as we have our family, we can weather anything!” Cassia felt like a weight was being lifted off her at her mother’s words. Leandra took that moment to turn her head and narrow her eyes, though. “But so we are clear: call me Grandma again and we are going to have a problem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this marks the end of the year 9:32 Dragon for our protagonists. For some _alternative_ outcomes of their fates, have a look at our [AUctober](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20842193/chapters/49546025).


	18. Blind

“You’re kidding.” Isabela stared at Adriene, amusement sparkling in her eyes.

Adriene chuckled and shook her head. “No, I’m not! Anders was getting all upset and annoyed, all ‘I don’t care how they taste, please take those—‘ whatever he wanted to say, and the moment he raises his voice, Cassia takes a step back with a flinch, and all of a sudden, the ground is just frozen solid. Complete sheen of ice. And Anders loses his balance, flailing like an attacking goose, and the next second, he’s on his back, yelping in surprise, and swoosh, off he goes. Turns out, the ground in his clinic is slightly steep, just enough to slide around.”

Isabela’s laughter howled through the Hanged Man, and even Fenris couldn’t suppress his amusement, laughing along. Adriene beamed at them both. They were the last ones of their little group still in the tavern, each nursing a last tankard. It was one of those evenings where it felt nearly impossible to leave.

Today, Fenris found it especially hard to leave, letting himself getting lulled into the atmosphere of the evening and the pleasant fog of one or two beers too many. His eyes returned to Adriene who was still completely wrapped up in her story, gesticulating animatedly as she spoke, a dimple in her cheek she always had when she was in a good mood. As he watched her, her words faded into the background, and he found his thoughts wandering.

How far they had come in that year since their first meeting when all he had seen how easy it was to admire her skills.

Her prowess and agility in battle were undeniable, but it was more than that. Fenris had asked about her skill to fight alongside others and hadn’t been surprised when she had told him about her time in the army. Most mercenaries he had met were not as quick to adjust their fighting style to someone new in a group, but when they had fought through Danarius’ demons, she had seamlessly moved to protect his back, even when he had been raging more carelessly than had been his intention.

But more than that, she had never looked at him with fear. Caution, yes, but not fear. After his escape, Fenris had started to cultivate other people’s fears, wrapping himself in spikes and growls and a permanent warrior stance. It had kept them away and himself on edge, always ready to fight. It had kept him alive.

Until she had found him and asked him to join them for a night of drinks and laughter. Until she had started to chip away at his armor with her smiles and eyes. Until his own smile no longer felt strange.

Until she had started to call him friend, and he had dared to start to care about her. About them all.

Until he had realized that he no longer only admired Adriene, but actually liked her.

She was smiling and laughing more than anyone he had ever met, walking through life with ease, always a joke on her lips. There seemed to be a perpetual twinkle in her green eyes, and she had the ability to make light of the direst situations without ridiculing them. Fenris knew how to assess people, and he knew that she was using her humor to diffuse tense moments, but despite that knowledge, he found himself oddly charmed by her laugh.

Even more so when she had allowed him to see her grief, and he had realized that she did not pretend to be someone she wasn’t for his sake. He had been there when she had taken off the mask she had put on for the days, for her sister and mother, he had been there when she had allowed herself to cry for the terrible loss of her twin and brother. He hadn’t even thought about what to do, just took her in his arms for the first time, felt her melt against him, her tears and breath on his skin as she cried. She had apologized later, but he had waved it away. It had been the first time that he had found he really didn’t mind her touching him, and when she did so without qualms in the wild joy of getting Cassia, Varric, and Anders back, it had taken him until much later that day before he realized he no longer tensed every time someone came too close to him. And that he not only didn’t mind Adriene touching him but that he liked the ease with which she did it.

He should have known that this would open the door to other thoughts. Suddenly, he had found it easy to desire her.

There were evenings when every gesture of hers, every word and look was a perpetual tease. When she laughed, he found himself thinking about how it would sound when that laugh turned husky, breathless under his touch, and how it would feel to kiss that smile, to taste it on his tongue. He wondered whether the touch of her dark hair would be as silken as it looked when she loosened her ponytail and it cascaded over her shoulders. How her freckles would look when her cheeks were flushed from lust. Whether her skin was as soft beneath her armor as he imagined it to be.

Those were the evenings when he couldn’t help but be jealous of Isabela’s ease and how she had no qualms about touching Adriene. When she was sitting on her lap, laying her arms around her neck, long fingers caressing her cheek as she leaned forward to whisper words into her ear that brought that certain gleam into Adriene’s eyes and a slight blush to her cheeks. The pirate was disarmingly open, free in her touches and hugs as they all knew, and she had unabashedly responded to Adriene’s flirts, not wanting to be outdone, making sure her breasts were pressed against Adriene’s arm when she leaned towards her.

He had watched Bela take Adriene’s hands into hers one late, drunk evening, pulling her towards her room, and when Fenris had excused himself just a few minutes later to walk home, he had been glad for the cool night air on his skin that took at least some of the heat from him. However, not even the cold could chase away the memory of the laughter rippling over his skin as the two women had disappeared, and the way Isabela had gripped Adriene’s chin to turn it upwards towards her lips, her voice a low, caressing hum, too soft to understand the words, but unmistakable despite that. That night, he had lain awake, unable to find sleep, an unfamiliar burning throbbing through him that only went away when he had touched himself, images of Adriene’s naked body sprawled beneath Isabela’s hands racing through his mind, of dark hair on golden skin, of curls and waves mixing as she arched into the pirate’s touch, eyes closed and lips open, and he had brought himself to a surprisingly intense climax.

Not even a bottle of wine could ease the storm of conflicting emotions afterwards that had raged through him as he tried to ban the picture of the two of them from his mind. The way they had smiled at each other, breathlessly and hungrily, and the way their eyes had burned into him as they had looked back at him before they had disappeared.

For most of his life — or of what he remembered of it — there hadn’t been any people he had cared about.

Kirkwall had changed that. He had found friends, even unlikely friends. Not two years ago, he never would have thought that he would call a mage his best friend. But somehow, he had made his peace with it, and surprisingly easy at that.

He had found a way to dance with Isabela, to enjoy the light and playfulness and hidden promises that she brought and that elicited a whole other, equally complex set of emotions.

But this? This swirl of desire and fondness and joy when Adriene looked at him was nothing he knew how to deal with.

As long as he could remember, he had not wanted anyone. He had been feared and desired, used at Danarius’ whim and subdued by those whose favor the magister had wanted to gain. There were drugs that made it easier, that worked his body into a frenzy that could only be sated by mindlessly thrusting into someone until he was utterly spent. But too often, they hadn’t bothered with them. He knew how to position himself to make it hurt less when they bent him to their will, how to make his mind go blank until they were done. He knew physical release, mindless need.

But never had he felt desire. He had never wanted to touch someone, to kiss.

Not until she had aimed that smile of hers at him, until she had looked at him with softness in her eyes, until she had asked for permission to touch him, to hug him, never more. Not until he had felt regret that it _wasn’t_ more.

He wanted her even in the moments when she frustrated him, when he glared at her in barely veiled anger because she set another mage free, because she would not give one inch in her conviction that they should not be controlled, when she refused to acknowledge the risk of corruption in her fight against the Circles. He found himself furiously standing before her, her eyes sparking with anger as she yelled at him, and a sudden desire to slant his mouth over hers overwhelmed him, to grab her and make her submit to him, to change the cadence of her voice from anger to moans.

The raw want behind these thoughts shocked himself, and it made him brusque and short-tempered, storming out more than once. He had seen the confused hurt in her eyes when he cut her short, and for a while, he avoided to be alone with her, preferring Cassia’s company to Adriene.

It was easier with Cassia. He felt calmer with her, more composed and in control. Cassia was softer, less sharp, had fewer edges, her gaze not quite as burning without being less intense. It was easy to be silent with her, to be comfortable and at peace, their friendship growing strong and calm from the hold they gave each other. There never was any question where they stood with each other, and to his own surprise, not even her magic bothered him any longer after he had realized that she had no interest in power or dominance. After she had let him see her vulnerability.

And when Cassia told him about the pregnancy, it had only cemented the connection to her. For the last few months, he had avoided going on missions with Adriene, accompanying Cassia instead to those few jobs she still could take or else just keeping her company. By now, Adriene had stopped asking him along most of the time. There had been a certain sadness in her when she had realized it, but she not only accepted the distance he put between them but went out of her way to assure not to come too close to him. To his own surprise, it made it even harder to keep his distance. The way she so immediately acknowledged and respected the boundaries he set was touching him in a completely unexpected way. It put a tension between them that felt stilted and forced, and Fenris couldn’t help but miss the closeness that had grown between them and that he now so carefully avoided.

But there always came something that shook him awake again, that made him wary of himself. Like the night before, how she had sat next to him when she made way for Anders, who had slid onto the bench next to her, her leg pressing against his, sending a warm shiver down his spine. Adriene had immediately apologized, she always did, but Fenris had only shaken his head, a smile in the corner of his lips. The way she had smiled back at him in delight had carried over into his dreams that night, and when he woke, he knew he still had to keep his distance.

A damn good intention, and already he had failed it, he realized when he looked at Adriene and Isabela. The way Adriene’s gaze softened as she finished her story and found him watching her shook him awake from his revery. Quickly, he looked down onto the table, taking another big sip from his beer and ignored the flutter of his heart at her smile.

“So, I’m on a short mission tomorrow. The Knight-Captain is back in Kirkwall and said he wanted to meet me to discuss a new job. It will probably only be some info gathering, but you never know. Care to join?” she asked, and Fenris hesitated. It was hard to resist that smile, especially after such a night.

‘No. Decline. _Especially_ after such a night,’ he told himself. He should take his own advice, keep some distance between them before he knew even less how to keep to himself.

“Is it not Cassia who normally handles the templars?” he asked slowly, but Adriene shook her head with a fond smile.

“Not in her condition. I haven’t even asked her, because... Well. She’s due in two months.”

Bela snickered. “And even if she could roll through the Gallows, Leandra would make every single one of us regret letting her go there.”

Adriene snorted. “We wouldn’t live to see the next day.”

Fenris couldn’t help but chuckle, but when he saw her hopeful face, he quickly reined himself back in. “I… actually have some business to take care of tomorrow,” he said slowly. Adriene’s face fell and Fenris saw the pang of regret in her eyes before she collected herself, the brilliant smile back on her face… without the dimple.

“No matter. I’ll ask Sebastian, tomorrow’s no service.” She quickly emptied the last remains of her beer and clicked her tongue to call her dog. “But speaking of which, I should go, or I won’t be fit for any mission tomorrow. See you around! Come, girl.”

King Barkistair slowly got up when Adriene stood, stretching and yawning. Adriene took a step towards the door, then turned around again, giving them an exaggerated wink. “Have fun, you two,” she said with a half-hearted smile.

As soon as the door fell shut, Isabela turned to Fenris. “You’re cruel, you know?”

Isabela’s voice was light-hearted as always, but there was a certain seriousness in it she rarely showed.

Fenris immediately bristled, glowering at her. “What?”

She just shook her head, gesturing vaguely, for once every bit of flirting gone from her voice. “Seriously, could you just make up your mind already?”

For a moment, he narrowed his eyes, then he took up his tankard again, mumbling, “I do not know what you are talking about,” into it.

Isabela rolled her eyes. “Really. One day you’re stringing her along, telling her she’s beautiful, talking half the night, and the next you’re ignoring her.”

 _Oh._ She was talking about Adriene. Fenris sputtered, the beer in his tankard sloshing onto the table as he put it down a bit too forcefully. “I am not ignoring her!”

“So you admit you’re stringing her along.” Isabela crossed her arms and raised one eyebrow.

“No, I… no,” he stammered, shaking his head. “This is not what…”

“Then what is it?!” Isabela clearly lost her patience, her golden eyes sparking in annoyance. “Please tell me, Fenris, for I am at the end of my wits — in fact, we all are. The two of you have this weird connection, one moment all smiles and sparks, the next you’re growling and hissing at each other, and _then_ the next, you’re leaving her hanging and run off to Cassia or Sebastian.”

For a second, he stared at her, glaring because he didn’t know how to deal with how flustered he felt, how confused. How was he supposed to talk about what he himself didn’t even understand? How was he supposed to form words around the mess inside him, around that mix of frustration and desire and care Adriene elicited?

But Isabela wasn’t easily distracted. “Seriously, why don’t you just grab her, take her home with you and then the two of you can fuck whatever it is between you out of your system?”

“Stop it,” he growled.

“You really should consider it,” Isabela continued without paying him any heed. “Just rip each other’s clothes off and get down to it.”

“Stop it,” Fenris said again, a warning in his voice, but Isabela’s eyes just narrowed at him, a challenge in her voice.

“You need some tips? She likes it when you pay attention to her neck. And I know she—“

“Stop it!” Fenris bellowed, the words exploding out of him.

For a second, silence fell in the Hanged Man as his words seemed to hang in the air, and Fenris realized belatedly that he was half standing, hands flat on the table, his markings ominously glowing. Isabela had drawn back just the tiniest bit, but there was a glint in her eyes that told him she had wanted to get a forceful reaction.

He glared at her again, then grabbed a coin from his purse, forcefully slamming it on the table before he just turned around and left. The cold night air whipped around him, bringing a gush of rain, but Fenris did not bother with pulling up his hood. In fact, he welcomed the cold slashing onto his heated skin, the wind harsh on his face, mirroring the uproar in himself. His hand was cramped into a fist as he trudged away from the tavern. He shouldn’t let Isabela rile him up this much. He knew her, he knew she liked to provoke. But still, she had gotten to him.

“Fenris…”

Isabela’s voice carried through the wind. So she had followed him. Fenris clenched his teeth in frustration, closing his eyes for a moment, but when she said his name again, closer already, he swirled around.

“I don’t know!” he yelled, and she stopped dead in her tracks. The wind whipped her hair into her face, but she didn’t even seem to notice, just looked at him.

“I don’t know,” Fenris repeated, deflating somewhat at the calmness in her eyes. “I don’t know what it is between us.”

“Are you in love with her?” Isabela asked quietly.

“No.” The answer came instantly, vehemently. But the word hadn’t even really died away before he shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know,” he confessed more quietly, avoiding her eyes.

What was being in love anyway? It was nothing he knew, just a word.

_Love._

He had no concept of it. He knew of course what it was supposed to be, that swell of heart and perpetual smiles, that softness and aching for someone, of wanting to be near them, always. But there was no softness in him that he knew of. He had it beaten and tortured and fucked out of him, and what Danarius hadn’t gotten, he had himself carved out in endless fights and glares and distance. His friendships were based on his strength and battle-worthiness, on his usefulness and sometimes, rarely, on stories and dry humor. Not on softness.

Isabela frowned, taking a step towards him. “But you want her.”

It wasn’t a question, more of a statement, and Fenris didn’t answer. The fire had gone out of him, and he turned back towards Hightown. Isabela quickly hurried to his side and for a few minutes, neither of them said anything. She just looked at him sideways. “Well, if you don’t know yet whether you love her but know you want her, what is the problem with taking her to bed? You know she’s no stranger to taking her pleasure when it is offered.”

“I know.” His answer was short, and suddenly, Bela grabbed his arm and turned him towards her, bringing him to a stop. They were standing on the market place, the curve of the street offering a reprieve from the wind and rain.

“Is that it?” she asked, her voice sharp. “Is that your problem?”

Fenris frowned. The thought hadn’t even occurred to him. Then he shook his head. “No. No, it really is not.” As he said it, he knew it was true. He didn’t mind her taking the occasional lover. More than most, he knew that physical pleasure and emotions were not connected — and also how important it was to seize what few moments of happiness one could. His jealousy had more to do with himself than with her, and with his inability to come to terms with whatever he wanted.

Isabela sighed exasperatedly. “Then what is it?!”

“I told you, I don’t know!” Fenris called out, gesturing wildly, the markings on his skin glowing in the rain. “She drives me crazy! With her smiles and flirting one day, and how she makes me laugh and brightens the days, and then her insufferable insistence on mage rights and her stubbornness the next. Nobody I know can make me as angry as she does. With that mocking voice of hers and her inappropriate jokes. I cannot understand her, and yet I cannot get her out of my mind, and sometimes I just want to grab her and…” He interrupted himself abruptly, reining his emotions back in with an effort.

“Press her against the wall and fuck her until you both no longer can stand?”

For a second, he just stared at her, nearly shocked by her crude bluntness. Bela looked at him with a telling lack of surprise in her face when he didn’t contradict her. He took a few steps backward, groaning as he turned back into the rain.

Isabela smiled softly. “Like I said, you should just get it out of your system.”

Fenris slowly shook his head, not turning around. “It is not that simple.”

“Yes, it is,” she immediately answered. Then she amended, “Well, normally it is. But you might be right in this case. After all, it’s not like she’s any less confused.”

He couldn’t help but turn and look at her, eyes narrowed. The rain had plastered his hair onto his skin, little rivulets of water running into his collar, but he didn’t even notice. “What do you mean?” he said hesitatingly, a weird feeling clenching his heart.

Isabela cocked her head, stemming her hands into her waist. She wasn’t even bothered by the cold and the rain. “Oh, please. It is almost painful to watch just how into you Adriene is.“ She threw him a look, raising her eyebrows. “Even more, she really likes you. More than likes you. Head over heels, to be exact. She won’t admit it, of course, not even to herself, because most of the time she thinks you can’t stand her, but she’s in it, deep.”

Fenris didn‘t know what to say, a whirl of emotions going through him. Of course, he had noticed a certain… affection, but he had made sure to tell himself that it was just that: affection. And in the end, it didn‘t make a difference. Or did it?

When Fenris didn’t answer, just staring at her, Isabela sighed. “Ah, Fenris. If you haven’t even noticed that, you’re even blinder than I thought.”

She made a step towards him, her voice uncharacteristically gentle as she said, “Next time, don’t run out at the first opportunity. Take the risk and stay, see where it goes.” Then, the familiar allure came back when her voice dropped and she added, “And in case you do want to get something out of your system after all or practice some, you know where to find me.” She grinned and gave him a wink.

Fenris couldn’t suppress an amused chuckle, something of his tension leaving him. “Believe me, Isabela, I do not need the practice.”

Isabela gave him a once-over, one eyebrow raised. “Mhm,” she all but purred. “That remains to be seen.”

And with another wink, she turned around, giving him a little wave before she sauntered back towards the Hanged Man, leaving him standing in the rain.


	19. Enemy of my Enemy

Cullen had only really been back for a bit more than a day, and already he felt like he was drowning in paperwork. The one aspect he had certainly not missed while being away from Kirkwall. Especially since his interim replacement seemed to have gone back to the days of not filing proper reports and doing only the bare minimum. The upside of this mountain of work was the fact that he had absolutely no time to think about anything else beside his work since the moment he had set foot into the city again. Some of this he could probably delegate, but the bulk of it would be his to work through. It would take the one or other night of staying in the Gallows before he could even think about someday seeing the surface of his desk again. But even as he cursed other people’s sloppiness, all in all, he couldn’t complain. A few nights less where he had to go home. Calling the small house he had bought in Hightown ‘home’ still felt odd when nothing about Kirkwall even remotely felt like anything of that kind.

A knock ripped him out of his rather gloomy thoughts. “Knight-Captain, Serah Hawke is here, saying you’ve been expecting her?”

Cullen barely looked up from his work. “Yes, send her in please,” he called back, starting to look for the information he had put aside for her to follow up on. To his surprise, Adriene Hawke had offered to do a few jobs for him after the Deep Roads expedition had gone astray, saying something about honoring her sister’s memory. And to his even greater surprise, she had been just as efficient as Cassia had been.

 _Cassia_.

The thought of her still made everything inside him go cold and hard with grief. The last few months of traveling had done not as much to lessen the pain as he had hoped they would. Her voice and smile still haunted his dreams.

But there was no use in wallowing in his grief. There was still work to be done, and Adriene Hawke had told him she’d be ready for more jobs once he was back. So he had taken her up on the offer and sent for her. He could hear her come in, the door closing behind her as he was still searching for the piece of paper that had the details of her job on it.

“Wow, you really should hire someone to take care of all your paperwork,” Adriene said with a grin as she saw the amount of notes and missives that had piled up on Cullen’s desk. She still hated the Gallows with a vengeance, but today, she was in too good a mood to let anything spoil it.

The Knight-Captain barely looked up from where he was leafing through a stack of papers to give her a welcoming nod.

“Believe me, Hawke, I wish I could,” he mumbled. “Unfortunately, all of this requires my personal attention.”

Adriene snickered. “The downsides of being Knight-Captain, huh? But well, you just had to go and leave Kirkwall for months, no wonder things got left behind.”

Cullen just grunted something indecipherable, and Adriene raised an eyebrow. “Oh come on, Cullen, not even a little smile for your old friend Hawke?” she teased. That had the desired effect, and for the first time since she had come in, he looked up at her with a mix of confusion and suspicion in his face.

“Since when are we old friends?” he asked dryly, and Adriene laughed.

“Never say never,” she grinned. “But at least I made the frown disappear from your face.”

The immediate return of said frown made her nearly laugh, but Cullen now seemed genuinely confused. “You’re in a strangely good mood. I remember you being much more hostile,” he said, but Adriene just shrugged.

“Oh, don’t worry, there’s plenty of hostility left. I still don’t like you templars, but I’m here as a courtesy. I promised to stand ready for another job, after all. But I also wanted to let you know that your letter was addressed to the wrong house. We no longer live in Lowtown, we’ve moved up to Hightown a few weeks ago.”

The Knight-Captain leaned back in his chair with a surprised look. “I see,” he said. “The business has been good while I was away, I take it?”

This time, Adriene actually did laugh. “Well, not really.” A sudden thought went through her, and her eyes widened. Of course, he had been away when the expedition came back. “Oh, right, you can’t know!” she exclaimed. “You had just left Kirkwall when the expedition came back! And with enough treasure to last us two lifetimes. Remember the funeral?”

There was a weird expression on Cullen’s face as he stared at her, but he didn’t say anything, just nodded, and Adriene continued happily, “Turns out the expedition leader lied to us, they weren’t dead! Well, my brother didn’t return, but he’s a Warden now and seems happy enough, judging from his letters. And with the money they brought, we got the Amell family estate back, so we’re up in Hightown now. Which is good because Lowtown was already crowded, and with Cassia’s baby due in a few weeks, we do need the space.” She beamed at Cullen who looked utterly dumbfounded.

He didn’t know what to do or say for a small moment. The words sounded surreal to him. The expedition had come back. Cassia wasn’t dead.

Cassia wasn’t dead!

It took all the willpower he could muster to not break out into a much stronger reaction than the friendly smile he put on as he inclined his head.

“What joyful news!” he said, trying desperately not to let his own voice betray him. Adriene had said much more that was running through his head right now. But the overwhelming joy at the thought of Cassia being alive made it hard to concentrate on anything else. What else had she said? Her brother was a Warden now? Not important. Space. They needed the space for…

“A baby?” he asked, careful to keep his neutral tone. He wasn’t sure if he hadn’t misheard that bit. Cassia was with child?

In front of him, Adriene was nodding enthusiastically. “That’s why I am here and not her,” she said as if it were the most normal news in the world. “I would have handed your jobs back to her, but she is almost eight months pregnant and really shouldn’t be running around the city working mercenary jobs.”

Cullen was still fighting to rein his own reactions back in, trying to not let his eyes widen. Eight months? Almost eight months? Just as much time as he had been missing her. Since he had seen her last that day, right here in his office. He felt a spark of hope rising in him as he kept up the friendly and unbothered facade.

“So, are any further congratulations in order, for a wedding, perhaps?” he asked. Trying to sound casual was harder than it had ever been before, but luckily for him, Adriene seemed so engrossed in her good mood that she didn’t pay much attention to whatever might be going on with him.

“No wedding, no, just a baby,” she said, almost with something of a challenge in her voice. As if she was daring him to make a comment about the improperness of the situation. It was the furthest thing on his mind as he felt that spark inside him start to burn brighter.

With a smile that was much less forced than his previous one, he nodded at her. “Then I just send my congratulations to the mother-to-be,” he said, and he could see Adriene lose some of her tension at his friendly tone. “I hope the move to Hightown went well, and everything is comfortable,” he added, already trying to remember where he could look up just which one of the mansions was the now no longer former Amell residence.

“It is,” Adriene nodded good-naturedly. “And my mother is very happy to be back in her old home. She introduced or re-introduced herself already very successfully to the neighbors. Well, all but one, there’s one house that has been empty for the last few months. We’re still waiting for the resident to return. Probably a merchant getting new wares in Antiva or something like that. Maybe we’ll get a discount on coffee.”

She shrugged with a grin, looking at Cullen with an amused air about her. She hadn’t quite expected him to be so interested in the whole affair, but then, she remembered that he and Cassia had been something like friends back before the expedition. “I’m sure Cassia will appreciate the congratulations,” she added, her smile getting sharper when she saw him nod enthusiastically before he caught himself again.

“So…” she said when he made no further move, looking at him expectantly.

“So?” he asked confusedly, and Adriene chuckled.

“The job, Cullen. You wanted to give me a job, remember? And I’m pretty sure you have more dire things to do than listen to my family story. We’re not old friends, after all, as you so aptly put it.” There was a slight hardness to her smile, even though she kept her voice friendly. As nice as this conversation was, he still was the Knight-Captain, and any further interest in especially Cassia would be disastrous.

“Of course,” Cullen reacted promptly. “I apologize, Hawke, I’ve only been back in the city for about two days, most of them spent in this office with the paperwork,” he tried to smoothly excuse his distraction. It wouldn’t do to needlessly antagonize her right now. Not with what he was already planning to do next.

He had to shift several piles of paper around. “I’m sorry again,” he added, going through the files on his desk. “The pile of papers was double this size when I came back, there are a lot of… ah, there it is!” He pulled out the missive and file he had written the letter about and handed it over to Adriene.

“Thank you, Knight-Captain,” Adriene said, taking the file, and started to skim over it. “And really, do think about getting someone for your...” Her voice trailed off as the words on the paper started to filter through, and the smile slowly bled from her face.

“You’re kidding,” she said and looked up at Cullen again.

He shook his head, holding her eyes. “I’m afraid not.”

“You want me to apprehend apostates and bring them back to the Gallows?!” Her voice was sharp, and the last bit of her good mood vanished. “Why are you not sending your templars out?”

For a second, the Knight-Captain did not answer, and she thought she saw him narrowing his eyes as if contemplating something, then he just said, “I could. But I’d rather you find them and convince them to come back on their own. Your sister always seemed to manage things like this.”

“I’m not my sister,” she snapped, her eyes flaming with anger, “and I’m not bringing you innocent people to torture!”

Cullen still held her gaze. “How do you know they’re innocent?”

The papers in her hand crumpled as she made a fist, taking another step towards him. “Are they blood mages?” she hissed.

There was a heavy pause between them, then he answered slowly, “I’m not sure.”

Adriene recoiled from him as if he slapped her. He dared to ask her to bring him people to interrogate? For a second, she was so angry she couldn’t answer. But then, what did she expect — he was only a templar after all. Of course this was what he did. She nearly threw the papers back on his desk, crumpled as they were.

“Find someone else,“ she spat. “I’m not doing your blood work for you!”

And with that, she turned around, ready to storm out, never to return to the Gallows. They no longer needed the money, there was no reason at all to have any contact with the Order ever again.

“Hawke, stop!” Cullen called out, and she knew from the clink of his armor that he had stood up. But Adriene had no intention to listen to him any longer. If he really thought she’d condemn some poor soul to the horrors of the Gallows, he had been too long out of Kirkwall and had forgotten everything she stood for.

She was so engrossed in her anger that she didn’t realize how fast the Knight-Captain moved. Before she even reached the door, Cullen was at her side, grabbing her arm firmly, his grip hard and unrelenting. She didn’t even think about what she did, the knife singing as she drew it with one fluid motion. Cullen froze with the blade at his throat, and Adriene snarled, “Let. Go.”

There was no fear in his eyes, she had to give him that, but he did not let go of her arm, not even as she increased the pressure on his skin. Instead, his eyes burned into her with an unexpected intensity.

“Hawke, if I send my templars after them, they are dead,” he said, his voice low and serious.

Adriene narrowed her eyes at him, not lowering her knife. “As if you don’t kill them anyway once they are back. Or worse, make them tranquil,” she hissed.

“I’m not,” he answered. His eyes were still fixed on hers, surprisingly honest. “On the contrary, they are witnesses. I need to talk to them, and for that, I need them alive and healthy.”

For a second, she could only stare at him, but there was no deception in his face that she could see. After a tense pause, her curiosity got the better of her, and she snapped, “What?!”

Slowly, Cullen let go of her arm, seemingly content that she wouldn’t storm out now. “I’ll explain if you put down your weapon,” he said tensely. It took her another moment, then she complied, straightening slightly as she did so, putting the knife away again.

“This better be a very good explanation,” Adriene said with a challenge in her voice. Cullen took a deep breath, then he nodded towards his desk, motioning for her to take a seat. She sat down slowly, barely touching the edge of her seat. Her whole body was still tense like a strung bow, and she looked at him with equal measures of expectancy and distrust.

For a moment, Cullen felt the usual hesitation well up in him. So far, he had been overly careful not to involve anyone else in what he was working on. But if the time away and the results of his absence he had seen since he came back were any indication, it was obvious that sooner or later he would need help. That the opportunity of said help would come in the form of Adriene Hawke was not something he had ever thought about, but in this case in particular, her distaste for everything the templars did could be an advantage. It didn’t take him long to find the much older file at the bottom of one of the piles on his desk, handing it over to her.

“See for yourself,” he said plainly.

It was one of the last things he had worked on before leaving Kirkwall. The aftermath of the runaway mages from Starkhaven, and what had happened after he had filed his reprimands.

Adriene narrowed her eyes at him but took the file nonetheless. It didn’t take her long to be completely engrossed in what she found in there, a dreadful, sinking feeling going through her as she read how the mages had been punished for giving Cullen an official statement of their treatment while the templars had not even gotten a reprimand.

Since Karl, they already knew that Kirkwall’s Circle wasn’t above making mages tranquil just to make a point and thus going way beyond even official Chantry legality. But reading about it like this, seeing the statements and the result — Knight-Commander Meredith’s flourished signature approving the rite of Tranquility — was driving it home in a horrible, merciless way. Her hands were cold as she leafed through the papers. This was the Circle where her father had been. Where her sisters could end up if she didn’t manage to protect them. This, the seal with the bursting sun, could be their fate if she made only one mistake.

It took her a moment to follow the implications of the file in her hand through to Cullen’s request, and her eyes widened as she looked back at him. He was watching her read, seemingly calm and relaxed, but the white knuckles of his hand betrayed just how on edge he was.

“You’re investigating your own people,” she breathed.

“I am,” Cullen said steadily. ”I have to. These accusations are not to be taken lightly.”

“That’s an understatement!” Adriene scoffed with a hint of disbelief in her voice. “I was under the impression that the Knight-Commander has a strict policy against this.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “Unity against corruption, isn’t it?”

Cullen knew exactly what Adriene meant. It was no secret throughout Kirkwall that Meredith ruled the Order with an iron fist, not tolerating the slightest bit of dissent in her ranks. The templars were known throughout the city for not investigating against their own but rather presenting a united front to any outside interference. A fact that had even lead to some rather public clashes with the city guard every now and then.

“I can understand your skepticism,” he admitted, straightening slightly. “There may be a time for unity, but not at the cost of integrity, in my opinion.”

Adriene gave him an incredulous look. “So what, you want to tell me the Knight-Commander doesn’t know about you doing this?”

When Cullen looked at her pointely, her eyes widened.

“Oh shit,” she cursed. “That’s why you don’t want to send your own people to investigate! You’re afraid they might rat you out!”

Cullen had to stop himself from reacting too strongly yet again, clenching his teeth for a moment before trying to find his more neutral, detached tone again. Damn this woman for being every bit as perceptive as her sister was.

“If word should get to her, it might be very unfortunate for me, yes…”

Adriene huffed a laugh that had no humor in it. “‘Unfortunate’ might be the understatement of the year…” she murmured. And the year was only two months old. She had no illusions about what this meant. The Knight-Captain had just put his life into her hands.

Her eyes came back to him, giving him a long, thoughtful look as she weighed her options. She could of course go and do exactly what he feared his own people would do and rat him out. It would mean one templar less in the chain of command. And possibly a loss of face for the Templar Order in Kirkwall.

But it would also mean losing the one templar who was seemingly willing to actually listen to complaints — even more so, who was seemingly willing to _do_ something about it.

No. The thought was gone as quickly as it had come. She could never betray someone like him to the likes of Knight-Commander Meredith.

“Alright, Knight-Captain,” she said slowly. “I’ll help you. But I'm not going to get those mages for you."

Cullen gritted his teeth. "Hawke..." he tried again, but she interrupted him before he could continue.

"I'm not going to condemn them to tranquility, Knight-Captain, and let's be honest here; that's exactly what happened last time! Just look at your file! What's keeping it from happening this time? Could you guarantee me that it wouldn’t?"

He searched for words, but there was nothing he could say, and he knew it.

Adriene gave him a humorless smile before she sobered again. "That’s what I thought. But thankfully, you don’t need them. You need names and facts. Tell me what exactly you want to know, and I'll get you those statements. I’ll even promise you that if one of them actually turns out to be a maleficar, I’ll take care of it. But you'll never see those mages again." She knew that she was taking an enormous risk by openly admitting to letting apostates go free, but the Knight-Captain had taken a similar risk by involving her. He couldn't arrest her on suspicion alone, and not without risking her telling on him.

Cullen took a deep breath, mulling Adriene’s terms over in his head for a good minute before he nodded shortly. It wasn’t optimal, not what he originally wanted, but as far as he could see, it beat every other alternative he had at the moment.

“Alright, that seems to be a compromise I can live with,” he said slowly, taking out another file that contained all the things he had already collected for this case. “Give me a moment,” he murmured as he went over the statements he had and the things that were missing from them, making notes and writing down the most important things he needed.

It took him a couple of minutes until he was certain he had put down everything important. After a last glance over the list, he handed it over to Adriene across his desk.

“The most important thing I need are names. Everyone involved,” he explained. “I’ve written down the ones I know about, see if you can confirm any of those. Same goes for the list of suspected victims.” He paused briefly, taking a deep breath. This was not a topic he could talk about lightly. “And anything you can find out about patterns, habits of the accused. I am suspecting that there are at least two people of higher rank involved that make all this possible, but I have not enough evidence to narrow it down yet.”

Adriene slowly shook her head as she looked at the list in her hand. The fact alone that she was standing in a templar’s office, actively working on something like this seemed too far-fetched to be true. And yet, here she was. She still wasn’t quite sure what to make of this.

“Did Cassia know about this?” she suddenly asked, looking at him. She hadn’t seen her sister’s name anywhere, but that was to be expected. It was not like Cullen could have admitted to outside help in such a case. She had seen how meticulously he had worked the complaint files. They were spotless. Not a word out of place, everything down to the letter as it was supposed to be — nothing that could have been construed as a failure from his part, and not a single word about anyone not part of the inner workings of the Circle.

He hesitated for a second, then he said, “In parts. She helped get the mages with the original statements back to the Circle without any bloodshed and encouraged me to listen closely to what they were saying. It was actually what made me investigate the whole thing.”

“I see,” Adriene murmured. That was something else to think about. But for the first time, Cassia’s insistence on coming back to work with Cullen made more sense. If she had had the feeling to be able to change things for the better through him... Her gaze sharpened. “And what will you do once you have the names? File another complaint that will go nowhere?”

The fact that none of the templars in his complaint had faced any consequences despite his meticulousness spoke volumes, after all. She couldn’t quite believe that he would just do the same thing again.

“Let that be my problem, Hawke,” Cullen answered brusquely. It was not that he hadn’t already thought about it, but so far, he hadn’t come to a solution. But first things first — he couldn’t do anything before he had the names and the proof he needed. Then, he could plan the next steps.

There was a sharpness to Adriene’s smile that matched the edge of her knife as she looked at him, and he had the feeling that she knew exactly what he was thinking. But she didn’t comment further, just stood up and carefully pocketed the list he had given her.

“I’ll let you know as soon as I have found them, Knight-Captain,” she said and walked towards the door. Before she opened it, though, she turned back to him once more. “It’s a good thing you’re doing here, Cullen.” She flashed him another smile, softer this time as she switched to his name instead of title.

It reminded Cullen eerily of Cassia, and he felt his heart stumble as he remembered what she had told him at the beginning of her visit. He nearly missed her parting words: “Kirkwall is lucky to have you back.”

Then the door closed behind her.


	20. Reunion

“Lady Cassia,” Bodahn’s voice rang up the stairs, pulling her out of the book she had been reading. 

“Lady Cassia, there is a visitor for you!”

Surprised, she put her book away before getting up. She didn’t remember having any visits planned for today. On the contrary, everyone else was out of the house, doing errands and such, leaving Cassia to enjoy the delightful silence of being almost alone at home for once. But apparently someone had other plans.

“I’ll be right there,” she called back. By now, everything she wanted to do took her a little bit longer than before. A heavy kick against her stomach made her pause for a moment, leaning against the doorframe. 

“I know,” she mumbled, putting a hand onto her belly, “I had planned a lazy day without much moving as well, but it is what it is!”

Ever since she had become much more visibly pregnant, and the baby had started to make its presence felt on a regular basis, she had developed the habit of having entire conversations with it. Something that had caused her sisters to call her adorable much more often than Cassia liked. Her friends usually chuckled at her antics, except for Isabela who had taken up the same habit. But to Cassia’s amusement, instead of soothing conversations, Isabela had started to tell the most outrageous tales to her belly whenever she saw her.

The past two months had been a lot more positive than Cassia could have imagined before. Her mother being on board and completely supportive of her had taken a load off her shoulders. The only thing Cassia was not overly fond of was Leandra’s tireless attempts to find her a decent husband sooner rather than later. So far, Cassia had managed to avoid her mother’s well-meaning attempts to have her taken care of, but with how much effort Leandra put into the task, Cassia feared it was only a matter of time when she would run out of good excuses. 

She hoped that she could convince whoever it was that came to visit her to keep their stay short so she could get back to her book. The house would be full of people again in no time, and Cassia appreciated every moment of quiet that she had to herself. From downstairs, she could hear King Barkistair barking happily, jumping up and down. Someone was speaking softly to the dog, and Cassia’s steps came to a halt as she reached the stairs. Looking down into their living room, she saw her dog flopping happily to the ground, enjoying an enthusiastic belly rub. Cassia’s knuckles turned white around the stair rails as she saw just who was down there, clearly enamored by her mabari. 

She must have made a noise, for Cullen looked up at where she was standing just in that moment. Everything seemed to come to a halt as their eyes met. 

The first thing that she noticed was that he wasn’t wearing his armor, that he looked almost exactly like he had done the very first time she had seen him. The second was just how much she had missed seeing the wide smile that was spreading over his face as he looked at her.

“You are back…” she breathed out, not knowing what else to say at this moment. 

With a last gentle pet of King Barkistair’s fur, Cullen straightened, taking a step closer to the stairs.

“You are alive!” he said, still smiling, and something in his voice made it sound like he still had trouble actually believing it. 

Cassia felt her feet moving before she had even made a conscious decision. As fast as she could, she hurried down the stairs. Cullen was meeting her at the last step as she flew into his arms. His arms came around her, and before she could say another word, his lips were on hers and he was kissing her.

Cassia wasn’t sure what she had expected. Ever since she had come back from the expedition, finding out that he wasn’t in Kirkwall for the foreseeable future, she had imagined this moment. But nothing she had come up with could compare to the very real feeling of being in his arms again. Her own arms flung around his neck almost instantly, pulling him closer to her as he kissed her like it was the only thing in the world that mattered to him. Cassia melted against him, acutely aware all of a sudden just how much she had missed him. When he finally drew back, she needed to blink a couple of times to get the world into focus again. 

“Maker, I could barely believe it when your sister told me this morning that you were alive…” Cullen murmured, still so close that she could feel his breath on her face. 

“Adriene told you? When did you come back?” Cassia couldn't believe that he was back in Kirkwall and she hadn’t known anything about it.

“Two days ago,” Cullen answered. “I would have been here sooner if I had known…” There was a tremor in his voice, betraying his emotions as he kept looking at her like he was afraid she would disappear again if he so much as blinked. “You’re alive!” he repeated, still sounding in awe. A shadow fell over his face. “I never should have left Kirkwall! But you were…”

Cassia’s eyes widened. “You left because of me?” Of course she had wondered why he had gone away, but somehow, she had never even entertained the thought that it had something to do with her. “Because you thought I was…” 

Cullen nodded before she could finish her sentence. His arms around her tightened. “Maker, it has been so long since I got to hold you.”

Cassia swallowed. “Almost eight months.”

“Seven months, twenty-eight days and about five hours… Give or take.” There was a smile on his face that was threatening to take Cassia’s breath away.

“Give or take?”

Cullen shook his head. One of his hands had buried itself in her hair. “Who is counting, really!” he murmured before his lips were back on hers. This time, the kiss was sweet and slow. When his other hand wandered down until it came to rest on her belly, Cassia’s breath hitched.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here,” he mumbled quietly, and Cassia immediately shook her head.

“Don’t be sorry, please! You didn’t know.” 

“So much lost time!” Cullen drew back enough so he could look at her. “But we can make up for that. All you have to do is say yes!”

“Say yes?” Cassia blinked in confusion. “To what?” 

There was a look of fondness on his face, but it didn’t cover the fact that he looked absolutely serious. “Say yes when I ask you to marry me!”

Cassia froze, for a moment not believing she had heard him right. “Marry you?” 

“Yes! Marry me!” 

There was no doubt about it, she realized when looking into his eyes, he was dead serious about this. He wanted to marry her. There were a million reasons as to why she should not even entertain the thought. Not for a second. He had no idea what had happened in the time he had been away. He was the Knight-Captain! He could be asking just because of the baby. She had been lying to him this entire time… There were so many reasons why she should absolutely ignore the flicker of longing that threatened to burst out of her at his words.

“Cullen,” she said slowly, not quite sure yet how she should try and stir him away from that thought. “You’ve been gone for a while. A lot of things happened. You might not want…” She sighed. She was a horrible liar when it came to people she cared about. But there were things that had happened she wouldn’t even have to lie about.

“The expedition,” she started explaining. “For a while, I thought I might never get back. And then, when I was back, I thought you were gone, and I…” Cassia shook her head. It wasn’t like her to talk around an issue like that. “I have not been sitting around on my own, waiting for you to maybe come back,” she said clearly, and she could see in his eyes that he understood what she was trying to tell him. 

His look became slightly guarded as he asked, “Is there someone else you have feelings for and want to be with?”

One syllable. One tiny lie and she would get out of this in the easiest way possible. It shouldn’t be that hard, Cassia thought. Yet it undoubtedly was.

“No,” she simply answered. 

The guarded expression disappeared from his face, replaced by a smile again. “Then I don’t care!” he answered simply.

He didn’t care? She bit her lip, furiously thinking of what to say next. It didn’t feel right to even allude to this, but it was the only other thing she could think of at this moment. “What if you’re not even the father?”

There was a brief moment of quiet as Cullen kept looking at her before he shook his head again. “It doesn’t matter, Cassia!”

“Are you serious?” Cassia breathed. “How can you be so sure?”

Cullen gently cupped her cheek, tilting her head so that she couldn’t look anywhere else but into his eyes. “Cassia, I thought you were dead!” he said in a low voice. “I was at your funeral. I _mourned_ you. So much that I had to leave this damn city because I couldn't stand to be here knowing you wouldn’t come back.” The tremor she had heard earlier was back in his voice, and she could see from his pained expression just how much anguish the thought still brought him. “You were dead, and all I could think of were all the things I regretted not doing. The things I did not say to you. The memories we couldn’t make together.” He took a deep breath, a resolve of steel shining behind his eyes. “There is no way I am making that same mistake a second time!”

Cassia was speechless. How was he even doing this? Every single time she had laid out all the very good and very real reasons why anything involving him would be a horrible idea, all it took was to be in his presence for a little while, and she started to lose sight of all of them. It was that moment that someone else decided to become part of the conversation, and she felt a strong kick from inside her. 

From the way Cullen’s eyes widened, he had felt it too. There was a look of fascination on his face as he looked down at his hand, gently caressing her.

“This is a very active child already…” Cassia murmured, trying not to let the longing inside her show. It had been fuelled by his words into something that threatened to spill over any moment now.

Cullen was still looking at her stomach, his smile widening when there was another kick against his hand. A sense of wonder was in his voice. “How far along are you?”

Cassia swallowed. _‘You can’t let him know,’_ had been Anders’ well-meant words. Only it didn’t even seem to matter to him whether he was the father or not. 

”Seven months, twenty-eight days and about five hours…” she said quietly. “Give or take.”

The tenderness in his eyes as he looked at her face again made Cassia’s heart clench. There were tears springing into his eyes and he blinked, trying hard not to let them spill over.

“I wish we had more time to talk right now, but I have to be back in the Gallows soon,” he said apologetically. “Please tell me you will think about this!”

Cassia felt her voice shake. “You really want to marry me? _Me?_ ”

Sudden understanding lit up his eyes. “You think I am only doing this because of the baby?”

“Well…” It hadn’t been Cassia’s first worry, but it was definitely a thought that had been on the back of her mind as well. 

He shook his head vehemently. “Cassia, I’ve wanted more from you since the first time we met,” he said with a quiet intensity that sent a shiver down her back. “That night in the Red Sails? Even before we went to my room, when we were just talking, I felt something. Something special. It’s like we just…”

“Fit?” she finished his sentence, and Cullen nodded.

“Yes! We fit,” he agreed. “That night was absolutely perfect, and every time I have seen you since then, I wanted nothing more than to hold you close and never let you go again.” He had let go of her belly, both of his hands cupping her face now. “I’ve let my work distract me from that until it was too late and I thought I had lost you. Not again! Tell me you will at least consider this.” There was an urgency behind his voice that spoke volumes of just how serious he was about this. When Cassia didn’t answer directly, he paused though. “Unless I am completely wrong in my perception and you do not feel the same, that is…” he added, sounding much more careful all of a sudden.

The silence that followed his words was unusually tense. Again, Cassia thought that it would take only a single word. Maybe a sentence and she could extract herself out of this situation. She had no doubt that Cullen would respect her decision if she told him she didn’t feel the same. She had lied to him before. If not directly to his face, then at least by omission. This shouldn’t be the line she couldn’t cross. It shouldn’t be this hard to simply tell him that yes, he was wrong. That eight months had been a long time and that she had no more feelings for him. Just one single lie. It would keep her safe. Her and the baby. Her family even. Her heart started beating faster as she took a deep breath, opening her mouth… only for no sound coming out of it. 

She couldn't do it. With a small shake of her head, she smiled at him. “You are not wrong!”

The relieved sigh Cullen let out felt like it was her own as well.

“Thank the Maker,” he breathed out, still staring at her. 

Cassia swallowed, for a moment unable to do anything but hold on to him. “I’ve missed you so much!”

“I’ve missed you too,” came his words like a whisper she could already feel against her lips before he kissed her again. This time, it felt a bit more daring, his lips pushing against hers with more intent. A small moan escaped her as she felt his tongue against hers, and then she was pressed even closer against him. Heat pooled in her stomach at the intensity with which he kissed her. He tasted faintly of lyrium, and it made her shiver against him. She could get lost in this man, she was absolutely certain of that. Just as she became suddenly aware that the consequences could be catastrophic when the telltale tingling sensation at her fingertips made itself known. Just like before with Anders, she felt her magic inside her getting stronger, acting almost on its own again. 

She should pull back. Stop this right now before she gave herself away. But just like that, his hand was running down her neck, sending shivers through her as his fingers followed along the neckline of her dress, teasing the skin beneath, and Cassia felt utterly lost for a moment. She would give herself away and it would doom her, and it all felt absolutely irrelevant as long as he just kept holding her.

A bark next to them made both of them tense up. Carefully, she drew back from him.

Cassia felt mortification well up in her at just how close she had been to throw every caution to the wind. To simply not care about any consequences. How was she this ready to ignore every healthy instinct in a heartbeat? _‘You want far too much…’_ an unbidden voice in her head reminded her harshly. There was a hint of panic in her, and she felt it fuel her already unsettled magic. 

Trying to look as casual as possible, Cassia pulled her hand away from him and behind her back as the reality about the biggest issue between them came crashing down on her again. All those things he told her, the promises, did they even matter with what really stood between them? How was she supposed to point out her biggest worry that he didn’t even know about without giving herself away instantly? Not knowing how to react, she did the only thing she could still think of. Press forward, head-on. 

“There is something else though,” she said, sounding a bit firmer than before, and it immediately got Cullen’s attention. “You know my father was an apostate, don’t you?”

There was confusion in his eyes. “Yes?” he said hesitantly. “But what…”

Cassia didn’t let him finish his question. “Cullen, what you are saying sounds wonderful, and I would say yes in a heartbeat, but…” She sighed. “You are the Knight-Captain of Kirkwall. And there is a not-so-small chance that the child… our child, could be a mage…”

It wasn’t the same as outright telling him that she herself was a mage, but at least this way, she could share some of her worries.

Cullen didn’t seem overly concerned though. “Just because your father had magic it doesn’t mean…”

“My aunt had five children, all of them mages!” Cassia interrupted him again. He had to see, to understand, that this was not an everyday situation.

“Cassia, everyone has at least a chance to have a child with magic, regardless of who their parents are. Is that really a reason for us not to be together?” he argued, and Cassia’s shoulders sank. How was she supposed to make him see that this was not just a hypothetical situation?

“Try to see this from my point of view,” she tried again, her voice just a little bit colder than before, a little bit more detached as she thought about the worst-case scenario. “Because it's very different to live with the knowledge that some nameless templar might one day take your child with them than it is knowing that _if_ that would happen? That templar would be my own husband!”

“What?” Cullen blinked at her, seemingly speechless for a moment. Cassia was beyond certain that this was a situation he had probably never before thought about. She could do the kind thing and leave it at that, give him some time to think about it. Or she could drive her point home.

“What would you do, Cullen, if your own child turned out to be a mage?” she said, a clear challenge in her voice. “You, who knows exactly how the Circle works?”

He kept looking at her with wide eyes, and she could see that his thoughts were racing. 

Her voice had lost some of its edge again as she watched him so obviously struggle with the question she had just posed. “It seems we both have some thinking to do!”

A tension lay over the entire living room that hadn’t been there before, and all Cassia could think about was how much she hated it. But it was necessary. The question wasn’t hypothetical for her after all. Part of her thought that his obvious struggle in giving her a direct answer might be a good sign. Maybe time would tell.

“Blight,” Cullen cursed. “You are right to ask this question, as much as I don’t like hearing it.” He seemed unsure where to look for a moment, but after a brief hesitation, his eyes found hers again. “I wish I could take the time right now to sit down and think about this, to talk to you about this, but I have to get back to the Gallows.”

There was a hint of frustration in his voice. Cassia wasn’t sure if it was because of her question or because of the timing. Before she could ask, Cullen’s hands were on her shoulders and he was looking at her intensely. 

“We need to talk about this,” he said softly. “Tomorrow evening, come to the Red Sails. No one cares who comes and goes there, and we can talk about this. We _will_ talk about this!”

Cassia took a deep breath. Tomorrow. She could do that. Give him some time to think about her worries. Have some time to think all of this through herself. She nodded.

“I’ll be there,” she promised him. When he straightened up, obviously getting ready to leave, she closed the barely existing distance between them again. Unwilling to let him leave like this, she pressed a soft kiss against his lips.

“Despite all we just said, I am really glad to see you again,” she whispered quietly, and the small smile that appeared on his face at her words made her insides clench in hope again.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, giving her a last look before he turned around and left.

Cassia stood unmoving for a few more moments after he had gone. Her thoughts were a wild bundle of chaos. Tomorrow. They would talk about this tomorrow. She took a deep breath. If she thought back to just how worried she had been about how to handle the situation when he would be back in the city, it hadn’t been as bad as she had anticipated. On the contrary. 

The whole situation posed an entirely different problem by now though, she thought as she realized that she was right back at a point where she would have to have a talk with her family. But that could wait. At least until after she and Cullen had talked again. With a sigh, she patted King Barkistair on her head before turning around.

Only to freeze in her tracks. 

Behind her, with wide eyes and a shocked expression, stood Adriene. 


	21. Family Tradition

Adriene still couldn’t quite believe what she had heard. Of all the scenarios she had imagined, of all the far-fetched theories about who the father of Cassia’s child might be, Knight-Captain Rutherford hadn’t even made it to the bottom of the list.

“Are you completely out of your mind?!” Adriene said tonelessly as she stared at Cassia. Her sister flinched slightly, a guilty expression flickering over her face.

“Adriene,” Anders started from behind her, but Adriene just held up a hand, stopping him immediately. They had arrived through the kitchen door some time earlier, and Adriene had just been about to tell him about the job from the Knight-Captain when Bodhan had announced a visitor for Cassia. It had been the sound of her sister running down the stairs that had had her worried and had made her want to go look after her — only to find Cassia in the Knight-Captain’s arms. Kissing him. They had been so absorbed in each other that they hadn’t noticed her in the door, and then Anders had pulled her back into the kitchen. “Give them a moment,” he had said. And so she had, too shocked to do anything but listen to their conversation as one piece of the puzzle after another fell into place.

Now, she shot Anders a sharp look.

“You knew,” she hissed. The way his shoulders sank told her enough, and her eyes narrowed. “Get out. I need to talk to my sister. Alone.”

Anders looked like he wanted to say something, but then he just sighed and nodded. As he walked by Cassia, he put a hand on her shoulder for a second, squeezing it slightly, then he left. Adriene waited until the door fell shut, then she looked back at Cassia without saying another word.

Cassia sighed inwardly as she heard Anders leave. The one time where she was sure that he would not be the one yelling at her… What were the two of them even doing here? Cassia had been certain that the house was empty earlier on. If she had known…

It wouldn’t have changed a damn thing. It wasn’t like she had been thinking clearly from the moment she had seen Cullen in her living room. When she looked at Adriene, her sister still looked completely stunned.

“What do you want me to say?” Cassia asked quietly. There really wasn’t anything she could say in this situation that would put her sister’s mind at ease. She put a calming hand onto her belly where she felt renewed kicking, trying to calm herself down as much as the child. For how long had her sister been listening? It was as good a start as any.

“How much of that did you get?” she asked helplessly. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“Apart from the last bit of whispering, pretty much all of it,” Adriene said. “And I don’t know what I want you to say. I don’t know!” Her voice got more agitated with every word. “Maybe try to explain why you think that marrying the blighted Knight-Captain of Kirkwall is a good idea! Or how in the Void you got yourself knocked up by _him_ of all people!”

She was so tense that she shook. “A templar, Cassia, a templar! Really? After everything, a templar?!” There was a cold horror in her heart that had her in its claws, and it made her nearly stumble over her words. “If he finds out, he’s gonna take you away, Cass, and what then? You know what happens to the babies of mages born in the Circle!”

Cassia sighed deeply. It wasn’t like her sister didn’t have a point. “Don’t you think I know that?” She felt a cold shiver running down her back. “But what was I supposed to do? Lie to him about his own child?” 

She swallowed, thinking back to her feeble attempts of getting herself to do exactly that. How was she supposed to explain to Adriene that she had simply been incapable of doing so?

“I didn’t even know he was back in town, I wasn’t even remotely prepared for this, and suddenly he was here, in the middle of our living room, and I just…” Cassia forced herself to pause and take a deep breath. Trying to rein in the ice that was still spreading over her hand.

“You are not telling me anything that I haven’t already told myself,” she said, her voice shaky but loud enough to be heard at least. “I know I should have run the other direction after I found out who he is. I know I shouldn’t have gone back, again and again. And I know that I messed up when I didn’t even think about consequences. I _know_!” She closed her eyes for a brief moment, trying desperately to hang on to the last remaining shreds of calm she had. “I was thoughtless and downright stupid, but I can’t take back any of it.”

When she stopped talking her tongue curled around the unspoken thought that, despite all of this, she wasn’t sure that she would want to if she could.

For a second, it was absolutely quiet, and Adriene bit her lip, trying to restrain herself. 

“You know what the worst thing is?” she asked after a moment, and a short laugh escaped her that was so utterly void of any humor that it sounded nearly grotesque. “I should go and kill him now.” Ever since her sisters’ magic had surfaced, her life had consisted of protecting them, including making sure that nobody knew about them being mages. She should kill the Knight-Captain just for getting too close, just for the possibility of finding out.

Cassia’s reaction was immediate. Gone was the helplessness, and her eyes flashed with an intensity Adriene only knew from battles.

“You try and hurt him and we are going to have one Blight of a problem!” Cassia hissed, a warning to her voice.

Adriene’s mouth fell open in shock. This was not the reaction she had anticipated, and she raised both her eyebrows as she looked at her sister. She had rarely seen her so protective of anyone outside their family — and she sure as the Void hadn’t thought she’d ever see her so protective of a templar.

“Damn, you’re really in love with him, aren’t you?” she asked quietly, something of the tension that kept her in its grips leaving her. It didn’t ease the worry and cold fear inside her, though. No matter their feelings for each other, no matter how sincere and upstanding he seemed to be, the simple fact remained that he was a templar, sworn to imprison people like her sister.

“In love?” Cassia swallowed, letting go of the tension that had run through her earlier. She wasn’t in love. Couldn't be! Considering how long they knew each other, they hadn't actually spent that much time with each other after all. She thought about the hours she had spent in his office talking to him about everything and nothing at all. All under the pretense of work. It had always felt like a good justification to her. Not so much anymore as she remembered that the work part had usually been over in a matter of minutes. And still, she had stayed for much longer than that. 

She had liked him from the beginning. Enough to not let the armor that he wore deter her. Missing him had been almost painful in the past few months. But that didn’t mean that she was in love, did it?

Did it?

“Crap…” she murmured quietly, not really looking at Adriene anymore.

“I knew it,” Adriene murmured just as quietly.

For a long moment, there was a silence stretching between them. Adriene looked at her sister helplessly. What in the Maker’s name were they going to do now? They couldn’t very well just trust that Cassia could hide her magic forever from him. Nor could they trust him to hide Cassia like their family had done so far.

Or could they?

Adriene thought back to the statements she had collected for him this afternoon, to all the evidence against his fellow templars he had her find. Both mages she had found had spoken about how Cullen tried to get the templars back to follow regulations, regularly reminded them of their oath of protection. How he had been relentless in dealing out reprimands and penalties when he knew about templars crossing borders. And how utterly he had failed each and every time.

He definitely wasn’t one who condoned the abuse that went on behind the Gallows’ doors — which spoke for him. But on the other hand… a templar that high in the chain of command had to have gotten his hands dirty at one point, she was sure of it.

What were they to do?

Eventually, she took a deep breath. “At least he’s in love with you too, so that has to count for something, right?” she said with a sigh. “So, when will you tell Mom the good news that the father is back and has made a proposal? She’ll be disappointed, she has worked so hard to get that merchant’s son to propose, and now you go ahead and beat her to it.” It was a rather lame attempt at a joke and she knew it, but she didn’t know what else to say.

Cassia’s eyes widened. Adriene was right. Her mother had been supportive of her so far, mainly because there had been a way in Leandra’s mind to salvage the situation. She would not like this one bit. 

“I can’t tell Mom, not until I’ve figured out how to resolve the situation with Cullen first,” she said, a hint of panic in her voice again. Her frozen hand behind her back slowly started to become painful, and with a sigh, she gave up the attempt of hiding her reaction away. Carefully, she tried to wriggle her fingers, making the thin layer of ice around them crack and fall apart.

“I was fine all day,” she mumbled, trying to slowly pull the magic back inside of her. It was of no use, it felt like she was making the situation worse instead of better. 

“Adriene, I’m sorry for not being completely honest with you before,” she said quietly. “But I didn’t know how I should even begin to tell anyone about this. And when I came back from the Deep Roads and he was gone, I thought that that was it, you know?” She hugged her own arm close, not caring that the melting ice flew into her clothes in her try to get warm again. “And then I found out about the pregnancy, and everything was just…” Too much. It had been too much to wrap her mind around. In a way, it still was. Only now, she didn’t have the option of ignoring it anymore.

Without saying a word, Adriene took Cassia’s hand and led her to the armchair in front of the fire, quietly taking her sister’s freezingly cold fingers between her hands as she sat down, carefully rubbing them so that the ice couldn’t build up. It was an old ritual they had started back when Cassia’s magic had surfaced for the first time and she hadn’t been able to control it, and more often than not, it helped at least somewhat. If only in assuring Cassia that she wasn’t alone with this.

“It was a smart move, making him think about the baby having magic,” she said after a while, ignoring the flakes of snow that sank down onto her pants as she sat in front of Cassia’s chair, carefully kneading some warmth back into her skin. “It’s always different when it’s personal.” King Barkistair had come over to them, curling up on Cassia’s feet. Without interrupting her work, Adriene looked up at Cassia. “So, this started… when exactly? After I refused to work with them?”

Cassia sent her sister a grateful look. Whenever her magic acted up, be it nowadays or back when they had been teenagers, Adriene had been the only one who never judged her for it. Who never told her how she just had to work a bit harder. She had always just been quietly there for her, offering a helping hand. Even if her support was mostly emotional, it had often been the one thing that had helped Cassia to keep herself together.

“It didn’t start then,” she admitted, looking at the flames. Adriene knew the most important parts already, she might just as well fill in the rest. “Though you turning down the offer to work for the templars was what made me find him again, in a way.” She swallowed. “I had pretty much given up about him, and with how absorbed Cullen is in his work, I think it’s unlikely we would have met again anytime soon outside of the Gallows.”

Adriene furrowed her brow. “What do you mean, finding him ag-” She interrupted herself, her eyes widening as a sudden flash of understanding went through her. For the second time this day, her mouth fell open.

“No. Cullen is Tavern Guy?!” she asked incredulously. Then she groaned. Of course! Cassia had even told her that Tavern Guy was the father. “Andraste’s tits, no wonder you kept returning to the Gallows!” 

Cassia felt a slight blush rising up in her cheeks as she remembered that night and just how much she had told her sister about it afterwards. 

“Yeah, that was him,” she confirmed again, even though from her reaction, it probably wasn’t necessary. 

“I didn’t plan to pursue anything further when I found out who he is, you have to believe me!” She tried to at least explain what had happened somewhat to her sister. “But then, after I did that first job for them, he kissed me, and I was completely aware of what a bad decision it was, and somehow, I still went back…”

She remembered all too well how she had convinced herself every time she went home that she would put a stop to this, only to completely ignore her own resolutions the moment he smiled at her again.

“I didn’t sleep with him again until the day I went to say goodbye before leaving with the expedition. That’s when this happened,” she finished her explanation, gesturing to the visible evidence of that night.

Adriene didn’t immediately say something, just kept massaging her sister’s hand that slowly warmed up again. Lost in thought, she looked at Cassia’s belly, laying one hand on it.

“You had to choose the most complicated father, didn’t you?” she said to the baby, smiling faintly as she felt a slight nudge against her palm. Then she looked up at Cassia again. “You know, in a way you’re basically following family tradition,” she said somewhat dryly. “I mean, both Mom and Dad also went out of their way to make it complicated.” And they both suffered for it, but she wasn’t cruel enough to add that. “So what’s the plan? Since I’m not allowed to kill him-” A surge of coldness flowed through her hand where she held Cassia’s, and she quickly closed her fingers more tightly around her, and she quickly added, “I was kidding! I was kidding. But you can’t think of telling him.” She narrowed her eyes when Cassia looked to the side. “Seriously?”

Cassia sighed as she saw Adriene’s face, and for a brief moment, she felt like she was back in the Deep Roads, standing at the edge of a dark pit and wondering if a sure solution wouldn’t be preferable to the endless uncertainty of tomorrow.

Anders had been right when he had accused her of recklessness. Of not knowing how to do things in moderation. It was a problem she had been familiar with for her entire life already, her inability of finding compromises for herself. It always seemed to come down to a choice between all or nothing for her. So far, she hadn’t even been thinking about telling Cullen the truth. The mere thought was complete madness. And yet, a small voice inside her started to make the point that, one way or another, at least there would be a definitive outcome. Much like the black hole in the dark had looked like. That maybe an agonizing end was preferable to the endless agony of ongoing uncertainty, anxiousness and constant worry.

When she saw her sister’s narrowed eyes, Cassia swallowed and shook her head. Like Anders, Adriene would absolutely freak out if Cassia would even bring up the thought, she was sure of it. And that was all it was right now, after all, just a thought. 

“Come on, Adriene,” she said with a smile. “That would be remarkably stupid, even for me.” She looked into the fire for a moment, trying to push her earlier thoughts away.

“But I have to admit, I don’t really have a good plan,” she said with a sigh. She squeezed Adriene’s hand, grateful for her sister’s presence. Cassia was well aware that her not being prepared for this was her own fault. Was the consequence for her ignoring things for too long. For refusing to think about them in detail. 

“Making it about the baby potentially having magic was kind of a last straw argument if I’m honest,” she admitted.

“But it was a good idea,” Adriene answered. It was something she could build upon herself when she saw Cullen next. “Because…” For a second, she thought about whether it was a good idea to tell Cassia about her investigation — or rather, Cullen’s investigation. On the one hand, it might give her false hope… on the other hand, hope might be everything she could have.

Cassia looked at her questioningly, and she sighed. Then she said, “Well, because he not only knows what’s going on in the Circle but he also disapproves of it.”

Cassia’s eyes widened, and Adriene told her about the job she was doing for him, the templars he was investigating, and that it had been Cassia’s words that had made him suspicious in the first place. “So, whatever he is,” Adriene ended, “at least he’s neither ignoring nor accepting the abuse going on. I’m not saying he’s a roundabout good guy, mind you!” she quickly added. “He’s still a templar, and a Knight-Captain at that. I’m just saying it could be… worse. And since he’s actively working against what’s happening, he might be more protective of his child.”

Cassia felt the same small flicker of hope rise up that she had felt when Anders had mentioned the rumor from Ferelden. It could mean nothing. It could very well just be that he was the decent person she felt she had gotten to know and nothing more. It didn’t mean that he wasn’t set in his convictions. Didn’t mean he would be fine with… 

Cassia shook her head. She needed to pace herself. To wait for more information. He had been right by saying they needed to talk more. She could feel the familiar impatience well up in her. Tomorrow wasn’t that far away, and still, she felt like she would rather walk right up into the Gallows now to get her answers. 

Which would be a huge mistake in her condition. She had been lucky that she hadn’t given herself away today already. Lucky that he had other places to be. What was she supposed to do if the same thing happened again when they met up? She would need to take precautions of some sort. Her eyes went to Adriene again. 

“We have agreed to meet up tomorrow to talk,” she confessed to her sister. “In the evening, at the Red Sails.” 

“I’ll be there,” Adriene immediately said. “I won’t leave you out of my sight, so you don’t have to worry about anything at all. He won’t lay a hand on you.”

Again, she took Cassia’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly. “Don’t worry, Cass. You’re not alone in this. I got your back.”

Cassia took in a deep breath. This was not what she had wanted her sister to say. There was an uneasy feeling rising in her at the thought of Adriene being around Cullen. But she doubted that she could talk her sister into letting her go alone.

“I don’t think Cullen would hurt me,” Cassia mumbled, not looking directly at Adriene but holding on to her hand regardless. “But then again, maybe that’s just what I wish the truth to be,” she added with a sigh. If she was honest, she had to admit that while she had her hopes about him, she had no way of confirming if they were based on more than her wishful thinking right now. There was no use in mulling those thoughts over now though. Not before she didn’t have more information. More to go on.

She took a deep breath, trying to push her unease away. “Tell me more about that job you are doing for him,” she prompted, suddenly more than just a little curious. “Because for you to voluntarily work with any templar? I want the full story!”

Adriene smiled at her as she got more comfortable and started to tell her all the details about what she had been doing. Cassia felt herself hanging on her every word as that damn flicker of hope inside her started to make itself more and more known.

It was still there when she retired to her room later in the evening. Tomorrow. She would hopefully get some answers she desperately needed tomorrow.


	22. Priorities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever wondered how Adriene and Cassia look like? We commissioned Gerry Arthur to do a picture and it turned out amazingly! Come and check it out on [our Tumblr](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com/post/188784713702/adriene-cassia-hawke-we-commissioned-the)!

As soon as Cassia had gone up to her room, Adriene grabbed her weapons and went out again. She found Anders in his clinic as he was mixing salves.

“I need your help,” she said without preamble.

Anders looked up. “So you’re no longer mad at me?” he asked cautiously, and she snorted.

“Oh, I’m plenty mad. You knew the blighted Knight-Captain was the father and didn’t tell me! Of course I’m mad!” There was a sneer to her voice, but Anders knew her well enough to know that she was hiding worry and fear behind attacks like this.

“Adriene…” he started, but she just raised her finger at him with a snarl.

“Don’t ‘Adriene’ me, Anders! I’ve heard it all from Cassia already.” She started pacing. Not for the first time, she reminded him of a stalking cat. The way she was fixating him with her eyes, the fluidity of her movements, the tension behind it, ready to pounce any second. “‘He wasn’t here, who knew whether he’d be back, how was I supposed to tell you, you couldn’t have done anything anyway.’ It doesn’t matter!” When he didn’t answer immediately, she took a step towards him. “You should’ve told me! I’d never have gone to him, I’d never have told him about Cassia being back! I would have taken Cassia out of the city, I would have done _something!_ ”

Anders looked at her somewhat helplessly. “He knew from you that she’s back?”

“Yes!” The agitation was clear in her voice. “And now he wants to marry her and raise the child with her, and the worst thing — she wants it, too!” She took another step towards him, and he could see a tremor running through her. “They’re going to meet tomorrow! How am I supposed to keep them apart now? How am I supposed to keep her safe?” For a moment, there was a hitch in her voice as she continued, “He’s gonna find out, he’s gonna take her away, he’s gonna put her and Bethany in the Circle, and they’re gonna take the baby away, and all because you didn’t tell me!”

Her voice was shrill and loud, but before Anders could react, she turned away from him, slamming her fist with full force into the wall.

“Adriene!” he exclaimed in shock, jumping up at her gasp of pain. He was with her in a second, hands already glowing with healing magic as he took her hand that was bleeding profoundly.

“I’m sorry,” she stammered, “I’m sorry.”

When he looked at her face, he saw that she was pale as ashes, and immediately grabbed her arm. “Come. Sit down before you fall.”

She didn’t resist as he led her to one of the patients’ cots and made her sit down, then he continued to heal her hand. She had been lucky, it wasn’t broken, but not by much. For a long moment, a tense silence was between them. Anders could feel Justice stirring inside him as her accusations went through his head.

As much as he disliked it, she wasn’t completely wrong.

He hadn’t wanted to add to Cassia’s burdens by focussing on Cullen, nor had it been his place to tell Adriene about him, but he hadn’t quite thought about what would happen when the Knight-Captain was back in Kirkwall. Then again, he also hadn’t thought that Cassia would just straight up tell Cullen that he was the father. That part had surprised him, too. He sighed.

“You’re right,” he started warily, watching the last of the split skin scab over and close over her knuckles, but Adriene shook her head.

“Forget it,” she said, a toneless hardness to her voice. His heart sank as he watched her slip the mask back on she used whenever things got too close to her. Gone was the kindhearted, caring, smiling woman he had come to love, and back was the calculating fighter that killed with cruel efficiency. “It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s what it is, and we have to deal with it now.”

“Still,” he insisted, “we could—”

“No,” Adriene interrupted him. “It’s of no use. I shouldn’t have brought it up. Talking about what-ifs only distracts from what’s at hand.” The way she said it told him that it was something she had learned by heart, a lesson that had been drilled into her again and again.

Slowly, he let go of her hand, and she carefully stretched the fingers, lips pressed together against the pain she still had to feel. True enough, she looked up at him and asked, “You got something against the pain? I might need the hand later.”

“Sure,” he said with a hint of exasperation in his voice. “But you need to take it slow for a day or two,” he added as he walked over to his potion cabinet and took out two flasks.

“I can’t, really,” Adriene said with a little shrug, and he raised his eyebrows at her as he walked back to her. “That’s actually why I came over,” she explained, clearing her throat with an uncomfortable look. “Before I started yelling at you, I mean. I got a job from the Knight-Captain.”

For a second, Anders wasn’t sure whether he had heard her right, but she nodded with a lopsided grin at his stare. “It’s true. But don’t worry. You’re gonna be surprised just what kind of job it is.”

With growing disbelief, Anders listened as Adriene told him about what the Knight-Captain had asked her to do, and what they had agreed upon in the end.

“He is letting mages escape from the Circle for information against templars?!” Anders asked incredulously when she was finished, and Adriene nodded.

“He does. I have no idea yet just how exactly he intends to take action against those templars since his last attempts failed so spectacularly, but I have no doubt that he is going to do _something_.” For a second, the mask wavered, and he saw a mix of fear and hope in her eyes. “Maybe this is even a good sign,” she said quietly. “For Cassia, I mean.”

He gave her a small smile, pushing Justice’s rage and his own doubts deep down. “It just might be,” he nodded.

Relief flashed over her face, and she smiled back in a way that made his heart stumble with sudden longing.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier,” Adriene added, reaching for his hand and giving it a squeeze. Anders returned the gesture without thinking, ignoring the sudden urge to touch her cheek.

“Doesn’t matter,” he said, desperately hoping that she wouldn’t notice the slight catch to his voice. “It wasn’t unwarranted.”

Her smile widened. “Thanks for being my friend,” she said softly, and the longing turned into a painful clench that was only too familiar by now.

“Of course,” he answered, taking a step back and letting go of her hand as she jumped up from the cot.

“Alright,” Adriene said businesslike, uncorking one of the flasks he had given her and downing it in one gulp. Then she gave him the empty flask back, just grinning at his exasperated headshake at the way she so casually treated her own health. “Let’s go get Fenris and Sebastian. Not to tell them about Cullen’s, uhm, _role_ in Cassia’s pregnancy, but I want them to hear what those mages have to say. And if one of them actually turns out to be a blood mage, we can use their backup.”

Anders was already on his way to shrug on his coat and grab his staff, now he turned back at her with a surprised look.

“Is Fenris coming to missions with you again?” he asked. Everybody had noticed the way the elf had avoided Adriene on and off these last few months — and the way she was hurt by it. It was the same hurt he saw flashing over her face for the smallest moment now before the sharp smile and the hardness in her eyes were back.

“We’ll see,” she said. “He didn’t want to yesterday, but this isn’t about me but about Cassia. In a way. So maybe he’ll come. I won’t know if I don’t ask, right?”

She drew her daggers and gave them a few tentative swirls before she put them away again, flexing her hand with a little grimace, then she looked up at him. “Ready?”

Anders let out a breath, then he nodded. “Ready.”

To Adriene's disappointment, Fenris wasn’t at home, but when they went to get Sebastian, they met Aveline on her way down from the Keep, and she agreed to join them. Neither she nor Sebastian was thrilled when they heard that the mages were not to be apprehended, but their protest stopped when they found them, one by one, and heard their stories.

Adriene had expected to find out horrible things, but no amount of preparation could have readied her for the scope of it. When she came home that night, her head was still spinning from all the things she had learned. She had half a mind to march into the Gallows right then, despite the late hour, but she knew that that would be futile. The ferries didn’t cross over at that time of night unless on official orders. But there was no way she could sleep right now. Not after everything that had happened today. She put on a kettle to make some coffee and settled down in the kitchen to sort through her notes and write a proper report for the Knight-Captain. It wasn’t that long until dawn. And then she would go find Cullen first thing in the morning.

* * *

The following morning had already been an endless fight with the still too large pile of paperwork on his desk. It was the third day in a row when Cullen was doing nothing but go through things that had happened in his absence. The fact that his mind kept wandering back to Cassia and their meeting the day before didn’t help his productivity at all. On the contrary. The things they both had said, the reality of the situation, and not to mention the questions she had rightfully posed at him had made finding rest during the night a challenge. He still wasn’t sure what answer to give her. He had said he needed time to think, but whenever he did, he found his thoughts stuck in circles all too easily.

For a moment, in the early morning hours, when he found himself staring at the ceiling as sleep still eluded him, he had been tempted to simply ignore any further thought. Cassia was alive and she was pregnant with his child. He found himself thinking that he would certainly do a lot to make sure she would accept his proposal. Perhaps even tell her what she so obviously wanted to hear and hope that it would simply never become an issue. That he would never be tested on whether he had spoken the truth or not.

The thought had almost immediately filled him with shame. How could he even consider such a thing? Would he really be capable and ready to start what would hopefully become a life together based on a lie? The thoughtlessness of the deliberation alone had driven him out of his bed and back to his work before the sun had even been up.

He hadn’t come to a better conclusion yet, though, and for now, all he could do was to try and ignore anything related to Cassia if he wanted to get at least some of the chaos still overflowing his office under control. The utter banality of some of the requests on his desk didn’t pose a very efficient distraction though, and he felt his thoughts run away again and again. It was going to be a very slow day he realized just when there was a knock on his door.

“Serah Hawke is here about a job from yesterday,” the voice of one of the newer recruits sounded, and Cullen sighed. As much hope as he had put into Adriene’s help with this particular case, having her in his office would probably make trying to not let his mind wander back to Cassia almost impossible.

But he needed her results more than he needed his peace of mind for the moment, and so he called back, “Please send her in!”

Adriene closed the door behind herself and waited until she heard the steps from the templar that had brought her here fade away. She had only found an hour or so of sleep after she had finished the report, and running on more coffee than rest always put her somewhat on edge, but this couldn’t really wait. Cullen seemed engrossed in his paperwork, but eventually, he noticed that she hadn’t said anything and looked up.

“Hawke,” he nodded at her. “I take it you found who I was asking you to look for?”

She gave him a smile that had just a little bit too much edge to it. “I did,” she said, “but there’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about, first.”

It took him only a moment to understand her. “Cassia spoke to you?” he asked carefully, and Adriene scoffed.

“She’s my twin sister, Cullen, of course we spoke.” She walked over to his desk and sat down in the chair opposite him. “So. You want to marry my sister. Why?”

For a second Cullen was floored. He had not expected Adriene to ask him that, but his answer was immediate.

“Because I love her,” he said simply. It wasn’t a hard question after all, even if it came unexpectedly.

Adriene tilted her head. “Really? Enough not to destroy her life?”

Cullen blinked. “Excuse me?” he asked, his eyes narrowing at her, but Adriene was unbothered. Instead, she leaned slightly forward, a conversational tone to her voice.

“Let me tell you a story, Cullen. You might know of our mother’s cousin, Revka Amell. She had five children, all of them mages. All of them. Her first-born was found out here, in Kirkwall, and they had to force her out of her arms. Revka followed them out into the streets, sobbing and crying. And she never was the same again. Mom said, she never smiled again. She left the rest of her family behind, disappeared, and was never heard from again. Couldn’t bear the thought of losing more of her children.” Her eyes were hard as she looked at Cullen. “Are you prepared to possibly protect Cassia from such a fate? Because if not, you should do the decent thing and back out of this now.”

Cullen was taken aback for a moment. Adriene didn’t tell him anything new. It was pretty much the exact same point Cassia had already raised. But where Cassia had sounded concerned and hesitant, Adriene’s eyes were almost burning into him in their intensity. Her voice, her words, her _everything_ was filled with a sharpness that felt ready to start cutting at a moment's notice. The fierceness in which she spoke threw him off more than he would like to admit.

“I see the validity of your concern, Hawke,” he said, sounding noticeably more distant than before in his effort to find his footing against her very clear challenge. “But you are still speaking about something that might not ever come to pass.”

“The likeliness doesn’t change the fact that it might become a problem, Cullen,” Adriene said sharply.

“You are very protective of your sister…” Cullen murmured. It wasn’t the first time that he had a slightly angry-looking, definitely aggressive Adriene Hawke in front of him after all. She could be downright pleasant if she wanted to, but there were certain things that guaranteed to turn her almost straight up hostile in a matter of seconds. Her sister was definitely one of those. So was magic, it seemed.

In front of him, Adriene scoffed. “Of course I am. She is my family!”

Cullen took a deep breath. It wasn’t like he could fault her for that. “She is lucky to have you then,” he said, trying to calm the entire situation down again. “But, Hawke, in all honesty, we are still talking about a situation that is completely hypothetical. What you are telling me about your aunt does sound indeed like a tragedy, but it has no influence on the probabilities of…”

Adriene interrupted him with a sharp laugh. “So what, you are just going to keep hiding behind numbers?”

It took him a surprising amount of effort not to snap back at her. She had something about her that made it all too easy to leave politeness behind.

“I am not hiding behind anything, I am simply stating the facts,” he said slowly.

“Not hiding, huh?” Her voice made it clear how much value she actually put into his statement. “Keep telling yourself that then, but the fact remains that you know this about our family, and you should be…”

“Adriene,” he interrupted her this time, a hint of impatience in his voice. “You should know as well as I do that the chances here are still no higher than average. That the only thing that actually increases the chance of a child having magic is if the mage in their family is their parent.”

In front of him, Adriene was glowering at him, not saying anything. Neither did he say anything more for the moment. There was a thought growing in the back of his mind… something he wasn’t willing to entertain right now. It felt too much like a downright suspicion. For the briefest of moments, Cullen felt a flicker of surprise run through him as he realized that she seemed to struggle with what to say next. The strange look on her face was gone in an instant, and her eyes narrowed even further.

Before she could say something, though, he added sternly, “I think this is something I should definitely talk to your sister about, not to you. I have nothing but respect for you looking out for her, but frankly, this is a discussion that I will have with the mother of my child, not with her sister!” His tone left no doubt about the fact that he considered the topic closed.

Not that Adriene particularly cared for this fact. She raised her chin slightly, and there was a coldness to her voice as she said, “Cullen, magic runs strong in both my father’s and my mother’s family. So much so that a whole generation was all mages in my mother’s family. I’d say the chances of another child being a mage are higher than in the average human family.” She shook her head. “And even if not — we have spent our whole lives hiding from templars, hiding an apostate. For good reasons. You better get your priorities straight.”

She stood up and pulled out the papers that held the results of her talks with the mages she had found, throwing them on his desk. “Karl Thekla was the friend of a friend, the first name on the list. He’d passed his Harrowing but was made tranquil three years ago. He’s dead. Helena Larden, another one. According to Jake because she caught the fancy of a templar but resisted. She’s still here, and I really don’t want to know in what condition. And she’s not the only one. Otto Alrik is the name that came up most, but there are others. Try not to get sick while you read this.”

And with that, she turned on her heels and left.


	23. An Open Book

“Beautiful tavern girl, waiting for someone?”

Cassia looked up, having been lost in thought while she sat at a small table in a far off corner of the Red Sails. A smile spread over her face as she saw Cullen standing in front of her. 

“Handsome tavern stranger!” she replied in kind, for a moment feeling like she was almost back in that very first night. “Thankfully, my wait seems to be over!”

Cullen couldn’t help but chuckle slightly as he sat down in front of her. Compared to the last time, Cassia stood out even more among the other patrons of the tavern. Back then, it had mostly been her silvery-white hair that had caught his attention, followed by the almost blinding smile she had given him after he had taken heart and approached her. Now, there were several other things he immediately noticed. Something about her looked almost radiant. Though he was ready to admit that it might be in part due to the joy he felt every single time he saw her. 

As he was looking her over, he took in the much nicer quality of her dress compared with what she used to wear. She had always been beautiful. He had thought so the first time he had met her, but the woman that sat in front of him now looked like she was right at home among the nobility. “You certainly don’t have to run around the city looking for jobs anymore,” he remarked.

Cassia looked down for a second before she laughed. “That is true,” she agreed. “Though… to be honest? I really miss that part.”

Cullen raised his eyebrows. “You do?” He had been under the impression that a life of leisure must certainly be preferable to the mercenary work she had been doing for him. But from what he saw on her face, that wasn’t the case after all.

“Yes. Funny, isn’t it?” Cassia sounded light-hearted as she spoke, but there was a hint of restlessness in her voice. “I was so looking forward to getting rich and moving into a fancy house, but it turns out I am really not made for the life of a noblewoman.” She sighed. “There is nothing to do all day but socializing, and between us? There is only so much small talk one can make.”

“Good to know that the bar for good conversation has not been raised,” Cullen chuckled.

“No, not even a little. You are still more fun to talk to.”

Cullen couldn’t help himself but smile at the playful grin she gave him. Despite the serious nature that had brought them here tonight, it was all too easy to fall back into the playful banter he was so used to when talking to her. But however easy it felt and how casual her demeanor was, he could see in her eyes that there was much more to what she had said than it might look like on the surface.

Similar thoughts went through Cassia’s mind as she found herself easily swept up in their usual habits. Somehow, it didn’t seem to matter that there had been eight months of not seeing each other. It was all too easy to pick up right where they had left off. But this wasn’t a social call after all. There was a clear purpose to this meeting, and for a small moment, Cassia faltered, not exactly knowing how or where to start. 

She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves down with the fact that she wasn’t alone in this. Adriene was out of sight, but she was sitting close enough to listen in and to potentially intervene should Cassia make it obvious that she needed help or a distraction. She had taken as many precautions as she could for this. All Cassia needed to do was to give herself a push and get the conversation going that they needed to have.

“My sister told me about the job you had her do,” she started. Adriene told her everything she knew about the day before, and Cassia had been more than just simply curious ever since then.

“I’m not surprised she did,” Cullen answered. “It seems there isn’t much you two don’t talk about.”

Cassia snorted slightly. “In a way, you’re right, but ironically, this thing between us?” She gestured back and forth between herself and Cullen. “This was actually something I didn’t tell her about. Not until yesterday at least.”

Cullen sent her a curious look. “Not at all?”

Cassia shook her head. “She really doesn’t like templars, as you might have noticed…”

“You don’t say,” he replied dryly before clearing his throat. “Then I am even more grateful she decided to take the job regardless.” 

“From what she told me, there is a very good reason to help,” Cassia pointed out. But she couldn’t quite hide her own curiosity. “I must confess though, it is somewhat unexpected.”

Cullen gave her a skeptical look. “It is unexpected that I would seek justice for people who have been wronged?”

Cassia shook her head. “No, not what I meant…” she said quickly. “Well, for a templar to put the justice for a mage above the unity of his Order was more the direction I was thinking off,” she said diplomatically. “From what I know of you personally, this is not unexpected at all, but still, you  _ are _ the Knight-Captain...” Second in command only to Knight-Commander Meredith. Who had a decidedly different disposition and had made no secret out of it either. And Cullen seemed to know that was where Cassia’s doubts lay, too.

“Your sister made a similar point,” he said, and Cassia nodded.

“She also told me that it’s basically an unofficial investigation.” There was a hint of worry in her voice. “Are you going to get into trouble for following up on this?”

Cullen looked at her imploringly. “If word should get to the wrong people…” He didn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t need to. Cassia could imagine all too well how it could go.

“I certainly won’t say anything!” she assured him, meaning every word. “And I can promise you, neither will my sister!” 

“I know,” Cullen answered almost immediately. “Or at least I sincerely hope so. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have asked her for help, or told either of you about this.” He sighed. “I didn’t plan on involving anyone in this, actually. Not originally. But when it became clear I might need outside help…” His eyes found hers, and there was a disarming look of honesty on his face. “You were pretty much the only person in this city I felt I could actually trust. And I thought if your sister is even a little bit like you…”

Cassia felt a bit floored, slowly realizing what him asking Adriene of all people for help actually meant just based on this. The leap of faith necessary for him to do this. He didn’t know Adriene very well after all. He had based all of this on how well he had known  _ her _ instead. The amount of trust he was putting into her… A string of complex and uncomfortable emotions went through her at the thought of how utterly undeserving of that trust she actually was. She, who had been dishonest with him from the moment they first met. And she was the one person he felt he could trust?

There was something else she was curious about though, and hesitation was shining through her voice as she spoke again. “But even if she can get you what you need, what are you going to do about it? It seems like your hands are tied if the Knight-Commander can’t know about this,” she directed her own anxiousness to another aspect of the situation, to a question that needed to be asked. 

There was something hard in his eyes as he answered, a steely resolve in his look that was normally nothing but kind when directed at her. “I can’t put them on trial, true. But that doesn’t mean I can’t find another way to take care of them.”

Dumbfounded, she looked at him, her mouth slightly open. This was not at all something she would have expected from him. “That sounds rather… drastic,” she said slowly, though part of her couldn’t deny that the thought seemed somehow justified.

“So do their crimes,” was his simple answer. “If they are proven to be true, I am not dealing with a fellow templar who made some minor mistakes, but with some of the worst criminals one can imagine.” 

Cassia nodded, deep in thought. It was not different from what she and Adriene had been doing from time to time after all. Her eyes found his as she voiced another thought that didn’t leave her alone. “Still, that was a huge risk of you to take. To involve Adriene in this, I mean. You barely know her.”

“You’re not wrong. But you said it yourself, your sister really doesn’t like templars, right?” Cullen gave her a speculative look that she didn’t quite know how to interpret. “If anything, it should give her a vested interest in finding those people and making sure not a word reaches the Knight-Commander until they are dealt with,” he continued. 

“So what, she was the person least likely to rat you out, you mean?” There was a hint of humor in her voice, but Cassia was acutely aware that there seemed to be quite a lot of deliberation and thought behind his decision to talk to Adriene yesterday.

Cullen looked like he wanted to disagree but stopped himself. “Crudely put? Yes,” he admitted.

It was quiet between them for a moment as Cassia tried to put all the new information she had just learned into perspective. She realized that, for all her attempts at diplomacy, she had meant what she had said earlier. For a templar, at least in her experience, this was completely unexpected. But somehow, it also perfectly fit her impression of Cullen as a person. Reconciling the two different sets of expectations in her head, she blinked, looking at him as if she was seeing him clearly for the first time. “You truly take your job seriously, do you? Not as Knight-Captain, second-in-command to Meredith, I mean, but as someone who wants to protect people. The true meaning of a templar.”

“If I didn’t, I would make for a very poor templar, don’t you think?” 

Cassia shrugged. “Well… since we are being honest: I have met quite a few very poor templars indeed. Especially here in Kirkwall. It made me wonder if they are perhaps in the majority.” He risked a lot being this honest with her, the least she could do was try to match him with some honesty on her own.

“And yet you chose to work for us, repeatedly,” Cullen pointed out.

“I do believe in the cause, the general idea behind the Order,” Cassia admitted. She could imagine Adriene rolling her eyes as she was listening. Cassia’s rather literal interpretation of the Chantry’s teachings had been a point of debate in their home many times already. “I was raised Andrastian after all. And I don’t believe in judging an entire group of people by the poorest examples I have met of said group.”

“An admirable view,” Cullen mused. “I am guessing you also hold this view towards mages then? It would only be natural, given your more personal stakes there.”

His eyes never left hers and Cassia found herself swallowing dryly. This was going into a decidedly uncomfortable direction. A direction that made her immediately feel guilty again. 

“You would have been hard-pressed to find a kinder and more compassionate person than my father,” Cassia said, surprised by how unwavering her voice sounded. “I would hope that people judged him by his own merit and deeds and not deem him lesser because of the actions of other mages.” She took a deep breath. “So yes, I guess you could say I hold the same view for both groups.”

Was Cullen actually smiling at her at that? Cassia wasn’t sure if she should find that reassuring or slightly unsettling right now. This whole conversation had turned into something else. She wasn’t sure if it was a genuine exchange of views or a potential, thinly veiled, interrogation that was going on here. To her dismay, she couldn’t even fault him for the latter. She had brought up the topic after all. Was she getting paranoid? There was nothing too unusual about their conversation after all. The most likely explanation for her slight discomfort was that she was letting her own guilt dictate her expectations. She had raised the questions about magic the day before, but Cullen had no idea about her personally after all. Was she really so used to constantly being dishonest with people that she expected the same from everyone else by now? She shook her head quietly, shaking off the uncomfortable feeling. 

There was yet another thing nagging at her mind. Should she even bring this up? It could easily lead the conversation onto an even more uncomfortable path. But part of her had to know. Had wanted to know, just to make sense of it, for a long time now. 

“When you first offered my sister Adriene a job, back before we truly knew each other… Do you know why she turned you down?”

Cullen sighed. “I can guess. Especially after my last few conversations with her.” He gave her a curious look. “But there seems to be a more precise reason?”

“There is,” Cassia nodded.  _ Here goes nothing. _ “ _ ‘Mages are not people like you and I, Hawke’ _ to be exact…” 

Cullen was quiet for a moment, and Cassia was surprised by the range of emotions she could see running over his face. Surprise, anger, indecisiveness and… was that regret? He sighed.

“I guess I owe you an explanation for that.” She wasn’t sure how she knew exactly, but the way he sounded gave her the feeling that is was going to be something more complex than she had initially thought. 

“One thing you have to know, we were in the middle of the Gallows, surrounded by a lot of templars I didn’t even know myself well back then, and your sister was loudly questioning the Chantry’s treatment of mages in general.  _ Very loudly _ ,” he started. Cassia hadn’t been there, she had only heard the gist of what had happened from Fenris afterward, but she could vividly imagine Adriene, in all her fearlessness, telling off an entire courtyard full of templars if she had to.

“So, you don’t actually believe that then?” she asked, skepticism still audible. She felt a flutter of… hope running through her that surprised her in its sudden intensity. Not just hope. Want. She  _ wanted _ to believe that he had just said this out of necessity, not out of conviction. 

“No, I don’t,” he shook his head and Cassia felt a smile forming on her lips. He seemed to notice it too and immediately shook his head. “No, it is not that simple,” he added. “I have to admit that a ‘not anymore’ should be added. There was a time in my life when I certainly did believe that.” 

Cassia gave him a confused look, and Cullen sighed again, his gaze miles away for a moment. “Pretending that I always held the views I hold now would be… very dishonest,” Cullen admitted. “Back in Ferelden, I was stationed at the mage tower at Lake Calenhad. During the Blight.” 

Cassia’s eyes widened. She had known he had come over from Ferelden just like her, but somehow, she had never made this connection before. There were other places in Ferelden that housed templars, after all. The stories that she had heard of what had happened to the Circle during the Blight had been more than disturbing. Her emotions had to have shown on her face since Cullen gave her a sharp look.

“I see you have heard about that then.” When Cassia nodded, he continued, “The things that happened there…” He paused for a moment, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. “I had been brought up under some very strict mentors, the templar ideals deeply ingrained into me. There had been a sort of unrest going on in the Circle for a while. Some blood magic. Mages fleeing the Circle. Some, we never found again.” 

There it was again, the hint of regret Cassia had thought to have heard earlier already. He seemed determined not to dwell on any memories at this moment though as he continued, “What happened in Ferelden didn’t happen out of nowhere. But when it did, it was… indescribable really. But for a while, it led me to believe in the extremes some templars go to. Their justifications for it.” He looked decidedly uncomfortable at his next words. “There was a time when a past version of me argued much the same as Knight-Commander Meredith does now.”

She could see that this was an admission he didn’t make lightly. Something he wasn’t proud of. “What happened?” she asked quietly.

Cullen wasn’t looking at her as he spoke, his eyes fixed on some point of the wall behind her. “The Circle was overrun. Abominations, demons everywhere. I had been captured for a while, long enough for my resistance to start dwindling.”

Cassia gasped. Not only had he been there but he had been… He didn’t even need to go into details. Her own experience with demons in the Fade and out of it had given her imagination enough fodder to have vivid images dancing around in her mind already. Images that made her almost pale in terror. 

“Before everything was lost, the Wardens came.” Cullen continued without paying any attention to Cassia. “Two of them, who helped get the Circle back under control. One of them was a mage. I knew her, actually. She had grown up in the very Circle I had served at as well.” He shook his head as if to focus on what he actually wanted to say again. “I was not in a good condition or a good state of mind when I met her again, but she seemed… fearless. She went in there, determined, even though I had tried my best to convince her everything was lost and annulment was the only valid option.” 

Cassia let out a sharp breath, and this time, it got Cullen’s attention. “Annulment?” she breathed, disbelief in her eyes. He had argued to annul an entire Circle? It was almost incomprehensible to her. 

The pained look Cullen gave her was throwing her for another loop. “Yes, annulment. In my mind, it was the only way. The only thing that could keep everyone else safe. As I said, there was a time I was not much different from the Knight-Commander.” He took a deep breath before he continued. “The Wardens, luckily, one might say today, didn’t listen to me. They went and cleared out the entire building. Slaying demons left and right, and somehow, against all odds, rescued every single mage that had still been inside.”

Cassia felt something in her heart slightly unclench at those words. “You are glad that they didn’t listen to you?” It was a rhetorical question. She could see the answer written all over his face already.

“Yes,” he answered nonetheless. “It took me a while to see, but yes. There was something about them, both of them actually. If you’d have seen them... Later, I realized they were just as afraid as I was.” He spoke with a sense of wonder creeping into his words. “But they went inside anyway, never faltering to do the right thing. They didn’t let the fear stop them from doing what they thought was the right thing to do.” 

The faraway look in his eyes slowly ebbed away as he looked back at Cassia. “I heard they made sure the Circle in Ferelden runs a lot less strict by now, with no more abominations or blood mages so far. It strengthens my belief that I found back then that there is another way than brute force and intimidation.”

It took Cassia a few more moments before she felt ready to say anything to him. What he had just told her was terrifying. And incredible all at the same time. It explained a lot about the many aspects of Cullen that had felt difficult to reconcile with each other before. If she took him at his word, that was. But everything he had just told her seemed to be honest, almost raw. She could count the times she had seen him this emotional before on one hand, even though he obviously still tried his best to keep his explanation clear and rational. That his feelings on the matter had bled through regardless… 

“That sounds…” Cassia started, still coming to grips with all the new information. “Seriously, that sounds like a whole different world from Kirkwall.” It begged another question though. “Why did you leave? Why come here of all places?”

“Despite all this, Ferelden holds more than just some bad memories for me.” He didn’t elaborate further and Cassia didn’t feel like it was appropriate to ask for even more details. Not after he had shared so much with her already.  _ ‘He trusts you with such sensitive information and what do you do? You keep lying.’ _ Her inner voice sounded almost malicious. Luckily, Cullen seemed oblivious to her struggle.

“I couldn’t stay there,” he continued. “But I can also not stand idly by and watch the things that are happening here, knowing what I know.” His eyes found hers, fixating her with an intense look.  Cassia looked at him with sympathy, but she didn’t say anything, and for a moment, silence spread.

Cullen fought the urge to keep talking, to tell her even more about all that had happened. It threw him off completely. With the exception of a very stiff conversation with his former Commander, he had not talked to anyone about what had happened in Ferelden. He had been certain that it was a topic he would never want to bring up again. Yet sitting across from her, it was suddenly almost ridiculously easy to open up to her. And even though he hadn’t really gone into any of the more gruesome details, it had still felt somewhat raw. Uncomfortable. But maybe it had been necessary. Or maybe… He couldn’t help but ask himself: Had he been honest with her in the hopes that she would return the favor? 

This meeting had been much more than he had anticipated already, and it still felt like they hadn’t even gotten to the actual point. To a degree, it was he who was responsible for that. He was only all too eager to settle on other topics, it seemed. To not get into the questions that threatened to unravel everything he felt they had built between them so far. Especially now, after her sister’s visit earlier in the day. 

When he had first started to feel like something was slightly off, his own mind had blatantly refused to even entertain the thought. But the more he mulled his talk with Adriene over, the more he thought back to every single interaction he had with her and how she had reacted to things, the less he could keep ignoring the thought that there was something not completely making sense. He couldn’t even take a single thing and pin his feelings on it. He had no proof for any of the thoughts that went through his head. And yet, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Adriene’s reaction had felt far too strong, too forceful to be simply about the possibility of the child having magic. It had taken him a few hours of thinking about it again and again until he had realized what it was that had made it feel odd to him. None of the things she had said had reflected worry for the child itself. Her worries had been focussed completely on Cassia. 

And Cassia herself… She had been very subtle. Her words chosen with utter care. Despite the long time they hadn’t seen each other, it wasn’t that hard for him to see when she was saying something impulsive and when she was carefully choosing her words. Not for the first time, Cullen asked himself if she was aware of just how much her emotions sometimes showed on her face. Not when she was trying, usually very successfully, to be charming. She was almost unreadable at those times. But in other moments, when he could tell he had caught her off guard, she showed so much…

_ ‘I am an open book’, _ she had said back when they had first met, and Cullen was more and more certain that even Cassia had no idea of how true that sometimes was. 

He had noticed how the conversation had made her uncomfortable earlier. He hadn’t expected his own unease at the realization. It had thrown him off more than he liked to admit. He did not at all want to be the cause of her unease, but he also couldn’t help but notice the way she sometimes looked around the tavern. Especially in said uncomfortable moments. After seeing her sister’s protectiveness just this morning, it would not surprise him if Adriene was somewhere close by, even though he couldn’t see her. Which begged the question just why she was so worried her sister might need additional protection for something a simple as a talk in a tavern...

The more they talked and the longer he thought about their circumstances, the more he couldn’t seem to decide whether he was on to something or being completely paranoid when thinking that Cassia might be hiding something else from him. 

It  _ was _ paranoid. He had no real, palpable reason to suspect such a thing. Nothing but this strange feeling of something being off. But he couldn’t keep his mind from wandering, from thinking about what it would mean. From questioning himself. Did he actually want to find out if there was something to his feeling? His answer should be an unwavering, assured  _ yes, _ but he knew that it had gotten way more complicated than that by now. 

But it was all theoretical, wasn’t it? He tried to force those thoughts away again. This way of thinking, of assuming the worst out of anything, of seeing hidden secrets everywhere had been what had led him down a dark path once before. He should do his best and pay them no heed.

The quietness that had stretched between them wasn’t uncomfortable per se, but Cassia wasn’t sure how to break it. What Cullen had told her had been something incredibly personal, after all. She wasn’t sure whether to stay on that topic and risk stirring more unpleasant memories, or if she should change it and risk sounding insensitive. Additionally, the thought that Adriene was within earshot, that he had unknowingly confided into someone he wasn’t even remotely close to, gnawed at her. This was not what she had anticipated when planning ahead with her sister. 

Cullen seemed to have decided to end the silence between them before Cassia could make up her mind.

“About the question you asked me yesterday,” he said slowly, immediately capturing all her attention again. “I have spent a lot of time thinking about your words.”

Cassia held her breath. This was what they had actually come here for, and she still had no idea how he would respond. 

“So what were your conclusions then?” she asked quietly.

He took her hands into his, looking at her intensely. “No matter from how many angles I looked at it, I have to admit that I still don’t know,” he said, sounding surprisingly open. “Believe me, part of me wants to promise you everything you might want, just to get you to say yes, but I can’t lie to you. I honestly don’t know.”

Cassia almost flinched when he said he didn’t want to lie. This was hitting too close to home. She tried not to glance at her hands. If she would start losing control right now, like this, it would all be over. She thought about gently pulling her hands back, but Cullen held firmly onto them.

“You know, your sister was in my office this morning, posing pretty much the same question you did,” he said all of a sudden. Cassia wasn’t surprised by this. Of course Adriene would do everything to protect her. 

“She worries just like I do,” she said softly.

“It is admirable how much she cares about you,” Cullen said with a nod, “but somehow, I got the impression she worries far more than even you do.”

Cassia blinked at him, not sure what he meant. “You did?”

Cullen looked like he wanted to say something but hesitated for a moment. He shook his head before he continued, speaking much more softly all of a sudden. “I also have the strong feeling that she isn’t very far away...” he said so quietly that Cassia was sure she was definitely the only person who could understand what he was saying. This time, Cassia visibly flinched, the guilt clear on her face. From the way his eyebrows went up, he undoubtedly took her expression as confirmation.

His eyes felt like they were burning into her when he finally spoke again, still as quietly as before, “Your sister was very,  _ very _ adamant about this. To a point where she sounded almost like she had no doubt about our child definitely having magic.”

Cassia felt something turn cold inside her. This was not the idea she had wanted to put in Cullen’s head. Everyone had a chance to have a child born with magic. But only for some people, the chance was almost a guarantee. 

“She is very protective of the child,” Cassia got out. It was taking her all she had not to start trembling. She could feel the magic inside her running wild already as she desperately clung onto her last shreds of control, praying that he wouldn’t notice her fingertips going slightly colder by the minute.

“Of the child?” Cullen asked, and his eyes held a question that Cassia would give everything to be unable to see. “Or is she much more protective of  _ you _ ?”

Cassia felt her heart start to race in her chest. “What are you asking me here, Cullen?”

He didn’t say anything at all, but the look on his face made her feel both hot and cold at the same time. There was something in his eyes that seemed so incredibly obvious that it caused her to hold her breath. All her worries from earlier returned. 

Did he know? 

He couldn’t know! It was impossible, she had been careful. Or hadn’t she? Had she given herself away without noticing? Just like she hadn’t noticed other things before? The longer the silence between them spread, the more nervous she got. Cullen still didn’t say anything, his eyes mercilessly focussed on her, making looking away from him absolutely impossible. Almost out of reflex, she tried to pull her hands back again, but he was still holding them tightly, his own hands around hers as intense as his eyes were. 

Cassia closed her eyes for a brief second. Her throat felt dry as she opened them again. “You know…” she whispered quietly.

She could see him take a deep breath, as if he, too, had been holding his. “I don’t  _ know _ ,” he said equally as quiet. “Not for certain.”

Cassia felt like her heart was stuck inside her throat. The noises of the tavern around her melted together into one monotonous background humming as she stared at him. “You could find out easily though…” she pointed out softly. 

“I could,” Cullen sighed. For a moment, his hands held hers a little tighter before he tore his eyes away from hers and looked down at where he was holding her. “As long as we are only talking hypothetically, though…”

Only her own complete shock at his words kept Cassia from snorting. As long as it was hypothetical? She shook her head. “It saves you from actually making a decision?” she breathed out in disbelief. “I didn’t think you would be the sort of person to hide behind a technicality.”

For a moment, he looked almost helpless as his eyes found hers again. “Just like you are not  _ technically _ lying to me right now?” 

Somewhere in the distance, there was the sound of glass breaking. Patrons were howling and chairs shuffling loudly. It made both of them acutely aware again just where they were. 

“You should go home,” Cullen suddenly insisted, his eyes going over the tavern and what was happening around them. “We shouldn't talk about any of this here.”

“But you think we should talk about it in general?” Cassia still wasn’t entirely sure she truly grasped what had just happened. He had sounded like… Something inside her kept insisting that it was impossible, but it had been more than obvious, hadn’t it? She blinked at him in confusion. 

“This is still Kirkwall, you don’t actually need to know anything for sure if you want to act…” she pointed out, wondering, not for the first time, if she actually was as stupidly reckless as everyone kept accusing her of being.

“I know.” There was something unreadable in his eyes as he focussed on looking at her again. Cassia felt herself shiver again.

“Where can we talk in private? And when?” she asked straightforwardly. It was no use to be anguished about the situation right now. It was what it was, and hadn’t she herself been the one that had entertained the thought of simply telling him? It seemed like the decision was already made. She hadn’t straight up said anything, but still, it was out there. Now, she would have to face the consequences, whatever those might turn out to be.

He shifted slightly, one of his hands letting go of her. A moment later, he was putting something into her hands. A calling card. “My home. Tomorrow evening?” he asked quietly, and Cassia simply nodded. “Come alone!” he added with a look that made it obvious that he expected her to show up without her sister chaperoning her.

“It will be late,” Cassia said softly. “I’ll have to make sure no one sees me leave. There is no way my family will let me go and see you on my own.”

“I wouldn’t expect them to,” Cullen said. His eyes were still glued to hers, but there was a small half-smile on his lips as he suddenly stood up and leaned over the table, giving her an unexpectedly soft kiss before drawing back.

“I’ll be waiting!” was all he said as he squeezed her hands one last time before turning around and leaving the tavern.

Cassia followed him with her eyes until he had disappeared through the door, then she said loudly into the air, “He’s gone, Adriene.”

It took her sister just a moment to be at her table, sliding into the seat that Cullen had occupied until now. She reached for Cassia’s hand, looking at her with worry. “Are you alright? I couldn’t understand you in the end, so I wasn’t sure what was going on. Should I have come earlier?”

For a brief moment, Cassia felt an unusually strong surge of panic well up inside her. Which parts had her sister overheard? But Adriene didn’t look angry or too stressed out. Worried and concerned? Yes, but not in a way that led Cassia to believe her sister had gotten what had happened in the last few moments. If her sister knew… If she would even suspect that Cullen knew about her magic, there was no way she would still be sitting here this calmly. 

“It’s good that you didn’t intervene earlier,” Cassia assured her, trying her best to get her voice to sound stable. “It was…” she swallowed again. “A good conversation? Mostly.”

Adriene gave Cassia a relieved smile and squeezed her hand. She knew how much her sister had hoped for a good outcome. “Mostly?” she still asked, thinking back to what she had heard from the conversation. He had been surprisingly open in what he had told Cassia, and she knew that the part where he had talked about Ferelden would be something she’d have to think about for a while, but the reason why they had met… “He still hasn’t given you a definite answer, has he?”

“It’s… complicated,” Cassia sighed. “We need to talk again. Preferably somewhere less busy?” She looked around the tavern once more. “There is a certain anonymity here, but still, it’s not the right place for some topics.” 

Cassia was hoping that this would be enough of an explanation for her sister for now. She had already let the card that held Cullen’s address disappear between the folds of her dress before Adriene had sat down. Cassia was certain that she hadn’t been wrong earlier. There was no way her sister or anyone in her family would let her out of their sight if they knew where she wanted to go. 

“We planned to talk again,” she said carefully, “but we haven’t set a definitive time yet.” She couldn't meet Adriene’s all too-worried-looking eyes fully as she said those words. She was almost getting too used to justifying her little half-truths to herself, her attempts to tell herself that she wasn’t technically outright lying.

Adriene watched Cassia with concern. Something was obviously bothering her — but then again, this whole situation with Cullen was bothering. In the end, she wasn’t surprised that Cassia was feeling uncomfortable with everything. And as far as she knew, her sister still hadn’t come to a conclusion about what to do concerning her magic.

But this was not the time and place to talk about this. So she settled for a calming squeeze of her hand and took a deep breath. “Alright. We’ll figure this out eventually. No need to decide anything within two days, right?” She shrugged slightly. “It was obviously a mostly good meeting, so… let’s take it one day at a time.” Then she smiled at Cassia. “Do you need a moment longer or shall we go home?”

Cassia felt like she needed way more than just a moment. Everything in her head was running wild. But she couldn’t very well explain why and what her thoughts were to Adriene now. 

“Let’s go home,” she said quietly, following her sister out into the night to make their way back towards Hightown. Towards home. Where Cassia doubted she would find any sort of peaceful sleep tonight.


	24. Honesty and Unspoken Truths

Adriene had managed to distract herself from the ever-present, lowkey feeling of horror that had grabbed her ever since she knew about Cullen throughout the following day and most of the evening already when she found herself at Fenris’ doorstep, without really knowing why. It was already close to midnight, the shadows black and unmoving as she was looking up at the dark windows that still looked as if nobody had been living within it for years. A carefully sustained facade. A bit like her own, she mused, although hers was one of continuous cheerfulness and strength.

A facade Fenris always seemed to completely see through.

Or had seen through, until she had stopped visiting him. Until she had tried to protect herself from something that wasn’t even happening. Until she had tried to forget about the way her heart sped up every time she saw him smile at her, about the little moments of happiness. Until she had actively worked against the delight when he flirted with her. Until she had forbidden herself to think about how he held her when she needed it. She had taken all of her heartaches and tried to drown them in lightness and fun, in evenings in the Hanged Man and The Blooming Rose, and in the fights she searched during the day. She had so carefully avoided to see him alone since she had thought he and Cassia were a couple. And when she had heard from Cassia that she had been wrong, it had already been too late, and Fenris had started turning her down nearly every time she was inviting him to a mission.

And yet… the evenings in the Hanged Man or when he visited Cassia were still great. There were still moments where she found him smiling at her, when they laughed together or even flirted. There had been one memorable night where they had been thrown out of the Hanged Man in the wee hours of dawn after everyone else had already left hours ago without either of them noticing the passing of time. Where they had just talked and laughed for hours. She had lost herself in his voice and smile, a happy flutter in her belly, and she had been certain that there was something to hope for.

He had avoided her for a week afterwards.

Adriene shivered in the cool night breeze, not bothering to put up her hood. She should go home, look after Cassia, Bethany, and her mother who had so far remained blessedly unaware of what had happened. Leandra would panic, and Adriene didn't know if she had the strength to ensure that her mother wouldn't smother Cassia with worry. But she also didn't like to lie to her mother, and so she had gone to the Hanged Man, avoiding going home entirely, doing what she did best — trying to forget.

But as soon as she had hit the streets afterward, the lightness of her friends' distractions had disappeared. The foggy feeling that the alcohol had left within her didn't help. She had started to wander around, aimlessly, not knowing where to go until she had found herself before his mansion.

Maybe it was a bad idea to be here.

What would she even say?

He would be confused as to why she was here, and she would make a joke and leave again and it would be even more awkward than before.

Yes, this was definitely a bad idea. Stupid even. 

Adriene turned on her heel to leave when the door suddenly opened behind her.

“Adriene?”

There was indeed confusion in Fenris’ voice and a hint of worry. Adriene froze on the spot, then slowly turned around, a lopsided grin plastered on her face that was more obviously fake than she would have liked it to be.

"Fenris," she said, shifting uneasily from one foot to the next. His sudden presence put her on edge, the way he always did, and a longing was in her heart that made it hard to breathe for a second. He seemed to sense that something was up and drew his eyebrows together.

“Are you… alright?” he asked, warily.

She wanted to say something cheeky, joke it away, but the way he looked at her made her unable to. Eventually, she just shook her head somewhat helplessly, and the look on his face immediately changed to worry. Wordlessly, he took a step to the side so she could come in, and Adriene walked inside.

She barely waited until they had reached the room at the back of the mansion where he had made his home before she turned towards him and blurted out, "Knight-Captain Rutherford is the father of Cassia’s baby.”

"What?" His answer was sharp, anxious, and suddenly, Adriene felt like crying as his eyes came back to hers, piercing and stripping away the layers of composure around her. It was a gift he had. She bit her lip to keep it from trembling, squaring her shoulders to remind herself to keep strong, and nodded. 

"It’s true. He was… he came by the house two days ago. And then they met again, yesterday."

"Fenedhis!" As she spoke, Fenris went still, and tension spread over his entire body while he waited for her to continue.

She quickly continued, "He’s still unaware of her magic, she’s fine." Some of the tension in his body left him and he sighed with relief, closing his eyes for a second. "But…" The word had left her without her really meaning to and he looked at her again. Adriene struggled with keeping her voice calm. Damn it. A single tear found its way down her cheek and she wiped at it angrily.

“Sorry,” she murmured and cleared her throat. “He wants to court her. More than that, he wants to marry her. He… he loves her. The Knight-Captain of Kirkwall wants to marry my mage sister, and I…”  _ I don’t know what to do, I’m dying of worry, I’m so scared for her and by now, it’s too late to bring her out of town and she might not even want it _ , she wanted to say, but she didn’t. She didn’t know how. She couldn’t even tell Cassia this. How was she supposed to tell Fenris, who had made sure to keep his distance to her these last few months? When she had made sure not to invade his privacy for so long?

After a long, tense moment, she added helplessly, “I just thought you should know. So you don’t worry about her when you hear what happened.”

A pause that stretched longer and longer.

“Thank you. For letting me know,” Fenris eventually said, but the way he looked at her seemed to hold a question as if he knew that this was not quite the reason for her being here. If only she knew that reason herself, could untangle the knot of uncertainty and longing within herself.

“I better leave,” she said, nearly desperately. Why was it so hard to just be herself in his presence?

She started to walk past him when he took her arm, stopping her with a touch. “Adriene…” he started, a hint of the same helplessness she felt herself in his voice. She turned to look at him and found him closer to her than in weeks, his eyes burning into hers, and her heart started to race. For a moment, neither of them said anything as they looked at each other.

“You know you can talk to me, don’t you?” Fenris eventually said quietly, his hand slipping off her arm.

Her question was barely audible. “Can I?”

Just two small words, and yet there was so much encompassed in them. All those months of closeness and distance, the strange connection between them that neither of them seemed to know how to deal with.

At her question, something in Fenris’ eyes softened. “Of course,” he said. “Always.”

Adriene’s eyes shimmered, and she swallowed as she nodded. And with his look, the words came, the fears that she hadn’t dared voice even to herself. “I don’t know what to do,” she confessed in a small voice. Closing her eyes, she forced every bit of emotion from her heart. “I mean, I know what I  _ should _ do. But…” She trailed off.

“What do you mean?” Fenris asked, his voice full of concern. Something in her face made him wary. When she opened her eyes again, there was a coldness and distance in them that made him pause.

“I should kill him,” she said in a clipped voice.

The words stood between them, the silence deepening around them as he just stared at her. For a second, she seemed like a stranger, distant and cold. But he knew her well enough to notice the slight waver in her voice, the small crack in her mask as she looked at him. There was a plea, a question somewhere that she didn’t dare voice.

“Why would you do that?” he asked carefully.

She blinked as if the question surprised her. “Because he’s a templar that came too close to my sister. And I need to protect her. I need to protect them all.”

Fenris shook his head, frowning at her words. He had always known that Adriene was protective of her family, but so far, she had never actively gone after someone without cause. And while he hadn’t known about the Knight-Captain being the father of Cassia’s child, it didn’t come as a complete surprise — he remembered her words about the father only too well. ‘Someone she shouldn’t get involved with.’ He had already suspected someone close to the templars or the Chantry back then. But more than that, he remembered the way Cassia had looked as she spoke about the man she had met and fallen head over heels for.

Carefully, he said, “But, Adriene, he is not a random templar. She loves him.”

There it was again, a glimpse of  _ something _ behind the mask. And yet, her next words sent a shiver down his back. “Makes no difference,” she murmured. “I could make it look like an accident. She’d never know. My father would—”

“Your father is not here.” 

Adriene froze at his words. Suddenly, he could see her crumble before him, every bit of coldness and detachment and composure falling apart, and she started to shake. It was so similar to the moment when she had finally allowed herself to grieve for Cassia, Carver and the rest of the expedition that he didn’t even think about it and just pulled her into an embrace. After a tense second, she relaxed into his arms with a shuddering breath.

He could hear the sob in her voice. “They expect me to,” she whispered. “My parents, I mean. Father might no longer be here, but I promised him, I  _ promised _ . If he were here, he would make me.”

There was a strange detachment in her voice at these last words, and Fenris’ arms tightened around her. A cold fury was in his heart as he understood the implications of her words. What had they made her do before?

She still spoke softly, a shiver running over her every now and then as she continued in a small voice, “And my mother… she never wanted to know the details, but she trusts me to take care of these things. And she already blames me for not keeping Cassia and Carver from going on that damned expedition. I’m the eldest, I should have gone! But I stayed behind, and now Carver is gone.”

Her voice broke at the words, and Fenris could feel her tears staining his tunic. Without thinking about it, his hand came to her hair, caressing it. Adriene’s words were barely louder than a whisper. “And my mother thinks it’s my fault. She doesn't say it, you know? Not loudly. Not with words. She doesn't have to. It's this… quiet grief and disappointment she doesn't share with me. And I know it. If something happens to Cassia now..." Her voice trailed off for a second, and when she spoke again, the detachment was back. “I never should’ve gone with my mother’s plan to come to Kirkwall. I should have insisted on finding somewhere without templars. I should have—”

“Stop it,” Fenris interrupted her. He carefully pushed her out of his embrace until she was at arm’s length, one hand wiping the tears from her face. “Adriene, this is not your fault. What happened between Cassia and the Knight-Captain has nothing to do with you. Why do you keep taking this on your shoulders?”

She looked as if she didn’t quite understand what he was saying. “Because… because it  _ is _ on my shoulders. It’s always been like that.”

He frowned. “I don’t understand. Adriene, Cassia’s choices are her own, how can this be your responsibility?”

“But I…” she started, only to interrupt herself again. For a moment, she looked at him unhappily, then she repeated, “It’s always been like that. Ever since Cassia‘s magic surfaced, my father made sure that I knew how to keep them safe.” She shrugged. “Mom’s no fighter, Carver was only nine back then, so it was on me. Dad had to train Cassia and later Bethany, I kept them safe. There was no one else who could.”

She still remembered the night when it had begun, the pride she had felt when she had gotten something to do, something to help.

* * *

“Are you alright, Dad?” Malcolm looked up from the fire to see his eldest daughter come towards him with sleepy eyes. The rest of the family was huddled into their blankets, sound asleep, Carver and Bethany in a tight embrace. He gave Adriene a little smile.

“Hey, shouldn’t you be asleep?”

“Can’t,” she murmured and sat down next to her father who laid an arm around her shoulders. “So, are you alright?” she asked after a moment.

“I am, don’t you worry about me,” he answered. “What about you?”

Adriene stared into the fire. “I don’t know,” she murmured. “I wish I could help her, you know?”

Cassia’s magic had manifested a week ago, just two months after their thirteenth birthday, and they had been on the run ever since. So far, they hadn’t seen anyone coming after them, but Malcolm kept them off the main roads anyway. The mood was subdued, and Adriene had heard her mother cry a few times when she had thought that everyone was already asleep. Cassia was drawn back and pale, her hands freezing over every now and then. Malcolm concentrated most of his energy and attention on her to help her get a hold of her magic, and Adriene found that she waited just as eagerly for her own magic to manifest to get an equal amount of attention as she feared it. They were twins, after all, so she probably had magic, too, didn’t she?

But Cassia blamed herself for them having to leave their home, and there was not much Adriene could do to persuade her otherwise. And apart from constantly being at her side and warming her hands every time they started to freeze, she just felt absolutely helpless.

Malcolm looked at his daughter with a thoughtful look. “There is not much you can do to help Cassia with the magic, I’m afraid. This is something she has to manage on her own. But you can be there for her.”

Adriene didn’t seem convinced. “Isn’t there something else?” she asked.

“Well…” Malcolm said hesitantly after a moment. “I won’t be able to be there as much as I was so far,” he murmured. “Training Cassia will take most of my time. So someone needs to be able to defend them if I’m not there.”

She turned to look at him with eager eyes. “You mean weapons?” She had tried her hands at knifeplay before, admiring the grace and speed of the rogues that had been part of a mercenary group stopping for resupplies in their village. One of them had been impressed by her talent — or, as Adriene secretly put it, her stupid luck at throwing — and gave her two old knives of hers. So far, it had been only something to play at, but if there was a need for it, maybe she could get an actual trainer!

“Yes, I mean weapons,” Malcolm said, smiling at her. There was something subdued in him, but Adriene barely noticed in her excitement. This was something she could do to help, something where she could make her sister safe! Maybe she could even make her mother smile again.

They settled in Lothering a few weeks later, trying to make a quiet home at the edge of the village, and Adriene spent every free second with training with her knives. She befriended the blacksmith, working in his forge to pay off the real pair of daggers he made her.

The forge was close to the Chantry with its templars, so Malcolm allowed it, telling her to keep an eye on everything that was going on there.

“Did you notice the new templar recruit?” he asked. It was shortly after their fourteenth birthday, and Adriene nodded solemnly. Bethany’s magic had surfaced a few weeks ago.

“Darrek,” she said. She knew every templar by name, and the novice who was barely three years older than them was nice-looking and friendly.

“I want you to befriend him,” Malcolm said, watching Bethany try and copy Cassia’s ball of ice. “Make him like you, ask after his interests, compliment his armor, stuff like that. He has taken too close a look at Cassia at the last service. Find out what he knows. If he knows anything. Do you think you can do that?”

She hesitated for a second. She knew that Cassia had been flattered by the way he had smiled at her. “But he was just being nice,” she said slowly. Malcolm’s eyes snapped back to her, and he frowned.

“You can’t think of them like that,” he chided. “It doesn’t matter whether he’s nice. It doesn’t even matter if Cassia liked his smile.”

Adriene’s eyes widened. So he had noticed that?

“He is first and foremost a templar, Adriene. If you want to help protect this family, that is what you always need to remember. He is an enemy first, and a person second. Do you understand?”

There was a sternness to his voice that made her nod immediately. “Yes, Dad,” she said automatically. She threw her twin an apologizing, sad look, then she went to find Darrek.

* * *

Fenris still looked at her with a question in his eyes.

“At first, it was just training to be ready,” she said softly, coming out of her memories. “Then getting information. Befriending people. And later… whatever was necessary.”

There was something about the way she spoke that put Fenris on edge, and he was pretty sure she didn’t even notice the way she kept shaking. By now, he was seriously worried about her, and he nudged her towards the armchairs in front of the fireplace. She sat down without objection, and he pulled up another chair so he could sit close to her.

“What do you mean by ‘whatever was necessary’?” he then asked.

Adriene shrugged again, taking a deep breath. “Lie or threaten when someone got interested in my sisters, or even better, make them like  _ me _ before they looked too closely at them to keep them away. Seduce others to get information… Kill those who found out.“ Her eyes were far away as she added, “As I said, whatever was necessary. Or what Dad said I should do. So I know I should just do the necessary thing now, too.”

It took him a moment to answer. What she said chilled him to the bone. If only he couldn’t relate so much to what she spoke of — Danarius had had him do similar things to get what he wanted. But he had been a slave. Adriene had just been a girl.

There was a softness to his voice as he said, “What if you don’t have to?”

She stared at him. “What do you mean?”

He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “Adriene, if there is one thing I have learned since I have become closer with Cassia, it’s that she can take care of herself. She knows pretty well how to protect herself. All she needs is someone to have her back. And you said yourself — Cassia and Cullen love each other. Your intervention might not even be necessary.”

“I…” Adriene started, only to trail off again. Searching for words, she stared into the fire. “I don’t know if I can just… stop. I don’t know how.”

Following in instinct, Fenris reached for Adriene’s hand, his fingers closing around hers. Her eyes came back to him, still shimmering with tears. “You will,” he said, a calm insistence to his voice. “And no matter what anyone else says or said, not everything that happens is your fault. Bethany and Cassia are grown women, making their own choices. So did Carver. You are not responsible for them.”

For the longest time, Adriene just looked at him, a stricken look on her face. Nobody had ever said something like this to her. But while she wanted these words to be true, there was a voice inside her that demanded that she took care of everything, made sure that there would be no uncertainty.

Fenris seemed to sense the way her thoughts went and squeezed her hand. “Adriene, there will always be some danger or other. You cannot prevent life from happening to them. Or none of you will ever live.”

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a while as she pondered his words. Eventually, she nodded. “You might be right,” she whispered. There was exhaustion in her voice, but also a hint of relief as she said, “Thank you.”

A smile was on her lips when she looked at him again. It was small and tired, but it was the first true smile he had seen from her today, and a weight lifted off his heart. 

There was another silence in which they just looked at each other, fingers intertwined.

“I know it’s late,” Adriene said eventually, “but... would you mind if I stayed a bit longer?”

Fenris smiled and shook his head. “No. Stay as long as you need. I do have a bottle of wine at hand if you care for a glass?”

She relaxed back into her armchair with a sigh. “I’d love one.”

Reluctantly, she let go of his hand as he got up and said, “I’ll be right back.”

Adriene nodded, and something of the tension that had just stood between them evaporated. She took off her coat that she still wore and slipped out of her boots before she sat down again, pulling her feet up onto the armchair, making herself comfortable. It didn’t take long until Fenris was back with a bottle of wine and two glasses. 

She murmured thanks as he gave her a glass and sank back into her seat, gratefully taking a sip. Fenris just looked at her for a moment, a small smile curling the corner of his lips, then he sat down in the other armchair, not saying anything. It could have been awkward after their talk, but somehow, it wasn’t. A strange, peaceful quietness stretched between them. Her eyes wandered from the fire to his face, over his features that were illuminated by the soft glow of the flames. He was looking into the fire, and Adriene found herself drinking in this rare moment of quiet where she could indulge herself by just looking at him — the sharp angles contrasted by his sensual lips, the faint glow of his lyrium tattoos mirrored in his white hair. Contrary to what she had expected, she found him completely at ease. For a long moment, she just watched him, finding herself relaxing more and more. Her shoulders sagged as she realized how tired she was, how much the days had exhausted her.

He turned his eyes back to her, pausing as he found her watching him, and she gave him a little smile.

“You know, all of this would have been easier if I had been right and you actually were the father,” Adriene said, chuckling as she saw his eyes widen.

“You thought what?” he snorted, amusement and surprise battling in his voice.

“I thought you and Cassia were a couple,” she confessed, the wine a dark shimmer in her glass as she swirled it around. “Which was why I… why I stayed away from you. I thought you loved her. That she made you happy.” Her eyes flickered back to him. “And I didn’t want to intrude. It was only when she told me about her pregnancy and I immediately thought that you were the father that she told me you never were together.”

Fenris gave her an indecipherable look. “You could have asked.”

She shrugged. “You could’ve told me what was going on. You knew about her pregnancy, didn’t you?”

“It was not my secret to tell,” he answered simply, and Adriene took a deep breath before she nodded. 

“You’re right,” she said quietly and took another sip of her wine.

Fenris looked back into the fire, shaking his head. “Can you even imagine? Me as a father?” He scoffed.

She looked at him curiously, a feeling she couldn’t quite name closing around her heart. “Don’t you want children one day?”

He frowned before he slowly shook his head. “I… I couldn’t tell you. It was never something to even think about,” he said quietly. “In Tevinter, any child of mine would have been a slave, too. Not that I could have chosen a partner to have children with. And thankfully, Danarius did not want to use me for breeding.” He looked at the tattoos on his arm. “Probably because of those.”

“And now?” Adriene’s voice was very soft.

Again, Fenris shook his head. After a moment of hesitation, he said, “No. I am not…” He interrupted himself, taking a breath before he added, “Not as long as Danarius is out there.” He looked back at her. “What about you?”

Adriene shrugged. The thought of children had always been a possibility for a future far away, never something in reach or truly achievable. And after the Blight and everything that had happened back then, she had never even considered it anymore. Now, with Cassia’s baby due in a few short weeks, any such future seemed even further away. Someone had to be able to fight. “And what, leave Bethany alone to deal with everything going on in this city? I couldn’t do that to her,” she said with a lopsided smile. She emptied the rest of her wine. It was not like it was something to consider anyway.

The silence that spread between them was heavy, but somehow it was not uncomfortable. For a while they both just sat in silence, Adriene’s eyes returning to Fenris again and again. After a few minutes, she got up and put another log onto the fire, making the sparks fly and disappear into the chimney. She looked into the mesmerizing flow of the flames for a few seconds, the warmth seeping into her tired limbs. She should probably go home, try to find a few hours of sleep. But the words that came when she turned back to him were not a goodbye.

“I missed you.”

She had spoken before she could think better of it, but when he looked at her in surprise, she didn’t avoid his gaze despite her suddenly racing heart. Instead, she just kept talking in a husky voice, the words flowing out of her as if she had hidden them for too long.

“I missed you. I still do. So much." Adriene kept her eyes on him, nervously clutching her hands. “I know I kept my distance. And I am sorry for it, please believe me. But when I saw you hugging Cassia the other day, I realized you hadn't done that with me for a long time.” Her fingers tightened around her hand as she tried to hold on to something, anything.

Fenris sat completely still, his eyes fixed on her, but he didn’t say anything, so she just kept talking. It seemed it was a night of honesty, of unspoken truths, and the words just tumbled from her lips, hastily, so she couldn’t hide behind them. “I couldn’t even remember when we hugged last. And I miss it. I miss you. I miss spending time with you, I miss sparring with you, opening the occasional bottle of Danarius' wine, and even arguing.” Her voice was very small as she added, “I miss being someone you like to be around.”

Suddenly, Fenris moved, getting up from his seat and crossing the few steps over to her as if drawn on invisible strings. 

"Adriene…" It sounded like he wanted to say more but instead, he raised his hand to her face, his fingers touching her cheek. Adriene froze, her eyes wide. He looked at his own hand as if in wonder as his fingers trailed across her skin, leaving a tingling behind. “You never stopped being someone I like to be around,” he said quietly, and she felt his words like a caress.

She didn't even think about it as she turned her head slightly so that his hand cupped her cheek, closing her eyes with a small relieved sigh, her heart clenching. 

When she looked at him again, there was a strange look on his face, a softness she hadn't seen in him before. His hand was still on her cheek, and Adriene's breath caught in her throat as she saw the emotion burning in his eyes. It was as if something had shifted and the tension between them was tangible as he leaned forward, just a tiny bit before he stopped again. His hand was still on her cheek, carefully, softly moving over her skin to her neck until she could feel his fingertips in her hairline, sending a shiver down her back. It felt like her heart was trying to beat out of her chest as she could feel his breath on her lips, the hint of a kiss ghosting over them.

Suddenly, with a small sound that was not quite a growl, Fenris let his hand fall away and took a few steps back, turning towards the fireplace. The air felt cool on her skin where he had just touched her, and she let out a shuddering breath.

For a while, everything was silent, just the crackling of the fireplace filling the air. Adriene closed her eyes, trying to calm her still racing heart.

After a moment of silence, she asked in a small voice, “Do you want me to leave?”

There was no immediate answer, and her heart sank. She saw him clench and unclench his fist, then he slowly shook his head.

“No,” he said simply and turned around again, his eyes dark as he looked at her. “Do you want to leave?”

His gaze burned into hers, softening when she shook her head. “No.”

There was another small silence as they just looked at each other. Adriene felt as if something had changed between them, an unspoken secret uncovered but not yet acknowledged. But right now, she was too wound up, too emotionally raw to try and get more truths out into the open.

“I’ve missed you, too,” Fenris said softly into the silence, and a weight seemed to lift from Adriene’s heart.

“You are a pretty great person, you know that, right?” she whispered, her voice thick with emotions. “After I’ve avoided you for so long, you’re still here for me.”

Fenris smiled. “To quote a friend: You are my friend. You are stuck with me.”

Adriene half chuckled, half sobbed as she nodded. After another moment, they went back to the armchair in unspoken unison. Adriene felt strangely peaceful after the uproar of the last days. He was right. Whatever happened with Cassia and Cullen, this, his friendship was something she could hold on to, she thought. “And friends take care of each other,” she added quietly and smiled as he nodded.

“Exactly.”


	25. Build Me Up And Take Me Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's December!! Whee! Holidays are upon us - and to celebrate a bit and honor YOU, our wonderful readers, we are having a little Give-Away!  
> Come next Friday, December 6th - St. Nicholas' Day - we will have a little surprise present for one of you. ♥ Leave us a comment on your favorite chapter so far telling us why it's your fav, or what you like about it, and we will draw the winner from all who left a comment.  
> Thank you so much for joining us on this journey through the Kirkwall events!  
> For questions and more info, [come to our Tumblr](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com/).

Cassia had been debating whether to knock on his door for at least ten minutes by now. Any longer, and someone in the surrounding houses might get suspicious enough to check what she was even doing here. It was still very early in the evening, but it was already dark, and she had hidden most of herself underneath a large cloak when she went outside. The cold wind made her draw her hood closer. The icy winter temperatures were definitely not helping right now. The longer she was standing around, the more she thought that it had been a bad idea coming here so early. The house in front of her looked completely dark. He probably wasn’t even there. ‘Tomorrow evening’ he had said. But of course he had to be home in the first place for that, and she had told him it would be later.

Cassia hadn’t anticipated that she would actually get out of the house this early. But her mother had been invited to a musicale and taken Bethany with her while Adriene hadn't even been home for most of the day and by now, was probably in the Hanged Man. Cassia had only smiled pleasantly as Bethany and Leandra expressed their regret that she wasn’t joining them, claiming to be tired already. It wasn’t even that untrue. She had spent most of the day in Anders' clinic, helping him make some of the more complicated potions in his stockroom. It had been a good diversion, keeping her mind busy enough to not constantly freak out. But it had also been much more intense than she had thought it would be. Several of the recipes had required magical input while making them, and Cassia had found herself on her third lyrium potion already when Anders had called it a day and told her to go home and rest.

On her way home, her thoughts had been all over the place again. The evening was getting closer and closer, and with it, her nervousness spiked up. She had hurried home as quickly as she could, feeling as if her magic had been particularly unsettled somehow. Now, a few hours of rest and quiet later, it had somewhat settled down again.

A soon as the house had been empty and Cassia was reasonably sure no one would spontaneously return, she had gotten ready to leave as well. It was almost a marvel in itself that Adriene was actually out on her own tonight. The past few days, she had barely left Cassia out of her sight. Not that Cassia couldn’t understand why, couldn’t see the constant worry on her sister’s face, hear it in her voice whenever they talked. But this wasn’t something Adriene could help her with. And ultimately, Cassia thought, it also wasn’t something Adriene could protect her from. She just hoped that no one would notice her missing. Hoped that Adriene in particular wouldn’t change her mind and come home earlier just to look after her again.

To say Adriene wouldn’t be happy with what Cassia had planned was a blatant understatement. If her sister knew where Cassia wanted to go, she would either try to keep her from going or she would insist on coming with her. Cassia shuddered at the thought. That would be just asking for trouble, probably in more ways than one. So for tonight, sneaking around it was. Cassia took a deep breath and knocked on the door before another wave of self-doubt would prolong this even further.

Nothing happened. She tried again and waited patiently. Not a single noise could be heard from inside. He wasn’t home yet. Of course not. Cassia was trying to suppress the wave of disappointment going through her. She shook her head at her own impatience. At rushing out of the house as soon as she was unsupervised.

With a sigh, she turned away from the door and started walking. The evening was far too cold to simply stand around outside. She was silently debating if she should just go home and come back later or if she should take a walk around High Town to pass the time despite the cold.

Suddenly, everything around her came to an abrupt halt as she walked straight into what seemed like a wall. Pain shot through her shoulder and a small curse escaped her mouth. She stumbled, but two arms came up around her and held her firmly. She looked up and found the supposed wall to be surprisingly templar-shaped. Cullen looked down at her with a mix of worry and confusion on his face. “Cassia? You are here early...”

She gave him a look of pure relief. “I had an opening to go out without anyone noticing and just thought I’d take my chances,” she confessed and his eyebrows rose up at that.

“You are lucky then,” he said with a smile, “I had originally planned to stay longer in the Gallows. Have you been waiting long?” He looked her over. “You look like you are cold, come on, let’s get inside.”

Cassia nodded, the promise of warmth and the absence of the harsh evening wind momentarily overruling her nervousness as she followed him inside. She looked around curiously as he lit up a lantern at the wall, noticing the way he put his weapons right next to the door. Ready for an emergency exit. It wasn’t surprising, just another well-fitting part of the puzzle that was the man in front of her.

She was unsure of what would happen next. Would they sit down and try to simply continue their conversation from last evening? How to even start? She thought back to the day before and the things Cullen had said quietly to her at the end of their meeting. There was no doubt that he had known _something_ at least. And even if he had been uncertain, she had all but confirmed it, hadn’t she? And yet he hadn’t arrested her. Hadn’t asked her to follow him into the Gallows. There were so many implications between them it made Cassia’s head spin. But still, it was all they were: implications. No direct answers. She had to hear them. Needed them.

Cassia straightened up slightly, taking in a deep breath. It was no use to think about what could be. Not before she knew beyond a doubt. And the only way to get there would be to stop being afraid. No more uncertainties. For neither of them.

”Cullen,” she said, making him turn around and look directly at her. They were still in the hallway at the entrance of his home, but Cassia felt like she would burst if she waited for even a second longer.

“I am far too nervous to make any sort of polite small talk, I need to get this over with,” she said plainly, taking another deep breath. “You said you are not certain, so let me remove the hypothetical part of the situation.”

At her words she let go of her tightly held control, letting a ball of ice form in her hand right in front of him.

“I’m a mage. My child might be too.” She looked directly into his eyes in a clear challenge. “What are you going to do about it?”

For a brief moment, it was completely quiet. From the corner of her eye, she could see his hand move slightly as if it was drawn to where he usually wore his sword almost out of reflex. But a second later, Cullen paused, letting his hand fall down again, with a small shake of his head.

“Absolutely nothing, it would seem,” he said, sounding almost calm. Almost. There was something underneath that Cassia couldn’t quite place. She couldn't quite tell if the thing she heard was resignation or acceptance. Oh, how she hoped for the latter.

She wasn’t sure what to do or say next. The situation had lost some of its earlier tension through his plain and straightforward answer. The cold of her hand was creeping up her arm, and for a moment, Cassia couldn’t grasp just how she had ended up in this situation, standing in his home, between him and the door while holding a piece of ice in her hand.

Cullen slightly tilted his head, eyebrows raised as he spoke, “You know, fire would have been a bit more threatening, I think.”

Cassia blinked in confusion. “I’ve always had an affinity for ice,” she said softly, without really thinking about it. “And I wasn’t trying to threaten you.”

She could see that he had some trouble believing that.

“So, your plan wasn’t to tell me and, depending on my reaction, freeze me in place so you could get away?” Cullen asked carefully, only for Cassia to immediately shake her head.

“No…,” she said, still feeling slightly thrown off. “Though now that you are saying it, that would have probably been a sensible idea…”

Cullen’s eyes turned even more questioning. “What was your plan then?” he asked, looking past her at the door. “Is your sister somewhere hiding outside to intervene?”

Cassia’s eyes widened. “No!” she assured him, suppressing the shudder, the brief flash of panic the thought alone caused. “I was just going to tell you and see what happens…”

Cullen let out a surprised breath. “Just like that?” he asked incredulously. “You didn’t have an exit strategy?”

“I didn’t think I would need one…,” Cassia murmured.

“You were that sure how I would react?” There was still disbelief on Cullen’s face as he looked from her still freezing hand to her face and back. “Because if I am completely honest, I wasn’t that certain of it myself until a few minutes ago…”

“I wasn’t…,” Cassia admitted quietly.

Cullen’s eyes widened. “Cassia…”

She wasn’t sure how to explain. How to make him understand her thoughts behind this. In the end, just plainly telling him the truth seemed like the only valid option.

“I’m tired of lying to you,” she simply said. “I don’t want to keep doing it. And I also can’t seem to stay away from you. I can’t even try, that’s how much I don’t want to.” Despite her emotions running wild, it was surprisingly easy for once to let the magic ebb off again, to make the cold disappear, and Cassia took a cautious step closer to him. “And I thought if this has even the slightest chance to grow into something more, honesty would be the only way….”

Cullen was completely floored. This had not gone at all like he thought it would. As much as he would have denied it yesterday, Cassia had been completely right when she had pointed out that he was hiding behind a technicality. Part of him had been all too eager to cling to the chance that his suspicions were wrong. Then, after their last talk, it had been equally as easy to tell himself that he couldn’t do anything, _shouldn’t_ do anything before he had undeniable proof.

He had somehow been certain to not see any. Had expected for Cassia to maybe not come alone after all. To tell him he was imagining things. Anything really but for her to be this open all of a sudden. “You risked a lot!” he said, his voice still layered with disbelief somehow.

“So did you,” she pointed out. “I could have told people about the job you have Adriene do. Or about you suspecting me and doing nothing about it… I can’t imagine either one would have ended well for you.”

She definitely wasn’t wrong about that, Cullen realized. It somehow hadn’t been very high on his list of things to worry about.

He had not lied to her earlier though. For a brief second, when she had started to openly use magic in front of him, he had not known how to react at all. Reflexes almost taking over until his head had caught up with what was happening.

He almost scoffed at the thought. It hadn’t been his head that stopped him. On the contrary. He knew very well what he was supposed to do now. What the only logical conclusion was. He had a duty after all. His entire life, he had lived for it. And yet here she was, standing in front of him with such an open expression. Carrying his child and having just put everything on the line, she had come here armed with nothing but hope, it seemed. It shouldn’t change anything. Not about what he had to do, and especially not about his convictions.

It changed everything though. And what had stopped him from doing what he should had not been his head, it had been his heart.

“So what now?” he asked carefully. With everything that had happened in the last few days, he suddenly felt a lot less certain about where they could go from here.

Cassia took a deep breath, her eyes still on his. “That depends on whether you want to take back your proposal now that you know, or not.”

For the second time this evening, Cullen felt completely floored. She still wanted… He swallowed as he realized that somehow, some part of him had been almost certain that Cassia was telling him the truth as a means to explain to him why this between them wouldn’t work. He wasn’t even sure why exactly he had felt so certain about that. She had told him nothing of the sort after all.

“Is that…” He had to clear his throat until his voice sounded less scratchy. “Cassia, are you certain about that? You would marry a templar?”

The uncertainty mixed with a sliver of hope in his voice made Cassia pause for a second as she realized that Cullen seemed to have expected this conversation to go into another direction.

“I would marry _you,_ Cullen!” There was nothing but certainty in her own voice. She knew her family would absolutely lose their minds about this. She knew her friends would collectively deem her to be insane. Even under these circumstances. And yet, it didn't matter. She had never been this certain about anything before.

“I get what you are trying to say,” Cullen said carefully, “but it doesn’t change the fact that I am a templar nonetheless. And that is not going to change.”

“Just like it’s not going to change that I am a mage,” she answered plainly. “If you marry me, and this ever gets out…” She swallowed, unwilling to finish the sentence, not even in her head.

Cullen seemed to have fewer qualms about that. “It would ruin us both,” he said solemnly. He closed his eyes for a moment as he let out a deep breath. When he opened them again, they were full of conviction.

“I’m not taking back a single thing.”

Cassia felt a smile starting to spread over her face. “Then I guess there is only one thing left to say,” she said slowly, not quite believing that this was actually happening. This had probably been the least likely outcome in her head when she came here, and yet here she was.

“Yes.”

It was a simple word. But it also was the most important word of the entire evening for her. Despite sounding almost breathless, her voice was full of certainty. “I will absolutely marry you!”

Cullen breathed in sharply. For a moment, neither of them moved, just looking at each other. After what felt like the longest moment in her life, Cullen closed the distance between them and one of his hands went up her arm and over her throat, sliding around her neck until it came to rest at the back of her head. He looked silently at her for a long moment, a tentative smile on his face, and then he was kissing her. Tenderly at first. Barely a whisper of a touch. Once, twice, and Cassia slowly realised that she would probably never get enough of his kisses. Suddenly, it felt like he was everywhere. Arms around her, his hands up her back and around her waist. Surrounding her senses, kissing her harder, deeper with a need and an urgency she felt deep inside of her.

Cullen faintly tasted like lyrium and Cassia shivered slightly. He must have just taken it before going home, she realized. The taste of the lyrium on his tongue jolted through her like electricity, making the hairs on her arm stand up with the slightest current of magic. She heard him let out a deep groan as her hands wandered up to bury themselves in his hair. He kept holding her close, his grip on her neck angling her perfectly for his tongue to keep exploring her mouth. When his lips left hers for a desperate intake of breath, she was almost blown away by the desire she saw in his eyes, the look of pure want on his face as he breathed heavily.

Wordlessly, Cullen drew back and took her arm, taking them out of the hallway they were still standing in and through a door into what seemed to be his bedroom. The moment the door closed behind them, he pulled her back into his arms, holding her as close as it was possible with his armor still in the way. The familiar feeling sent a shiver through her as his touch went through her entire being like a grounding force, like something safe to hold on to. A sigh escaped her as her eyes fluttered shut. Cassia felt overwhelmed, her emotions raw. The sharp press of his armor against her chest was in contrast to the warm arms around her, his hand softly cradling her cheek. Everything was a little bit too much, and at the same time, not nearly enough. She wanted nothing more than to lose herself in the moment, savoring the feeling of getting everything she wanted when a sudden sharp feeling of coldness pulled her out of her bliss.

“Damn it,” she cursed quietly, drawing back just enough so she could look at him.

Cullen looked at her questioningly, and Cassia felt her heart starting to race from nervousness again.

“There is something else I need to tell you,” she started slowly as she lifted up her hand that was already covered in small icy crystals.

Cullen had been ready to throw all thoughts of difficult talks overboard as he had steered them towards his bedroom, but something had suddenly shifted. Cassia’s face was worried again, and Cullen's eyes widened as she slowly and with a slightly unsteady voice told him about having issues with her magic sometimes. Part of him was strangely fascinated. In all his time spent in Circles, he had never before encountered something even remotely like what she was describing now. Then again, it was just as likely that if he had met another mage with the same problem, they would have done their best to not let any templar notice it.

Carefully, he let go of Cassia to take her hand into his. She was still talking. About how it had been a rare occurrence up until the Deep Roads, how she was worried that maybe the pregnancy made the incidents stronger. All while he held her hand, curiously watching the small bits of ice slowly starting to melt against his skin. There were the smallest stray bits of magic jumping between her fingertips and against his skin, and Cullen realized in fascination just how different they felt. Whenever he had come in contact with magic before, it had always been in a rather extreme situation. During the Blight in Ferelden or when he had been in combat. The magic he had felt back then had been completely different. Harsh, sharp. Somehow he had never expected magic to feel any different than that to him. Yet this clearly was.

“And you have no idea why this is happening?” he asked, not taking his eyes off her hand.

“My father said that it is a lack of discipline. That I am too emotional,” Cassia said quietly, and Cullen frowned at just how resigned she sounded at that.

“You don’t agree,” he speculated. “At least not completely?”

Cassia sighed. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “It’s certainly stronger when I am emotional, but sometimes…” she hesitated for a moment before she seemed to take heart and continued. “Sometimes it feels too random for that. It also happens in moments when I don’t feel anything strong at all.”

Cullen raised his eyebrows. “That’s not the case right now though, right?”

When Cassia chuckled slightly at his attempt of lifting her mood, a feeling of happiness went through him.

“No, right now I’m actually not surprised by this,” she admitted with a tentative smile. But there was still some hesitation on her face, and Cullen couldn’t blame her for her worries.

Carefully, he moved his hand until he could intertwine his fingers with hers. The small bits of stray magic were still there, ghosting over his skin.

“I’ve never felt magic up close like this that wasn’t directed to attack in battle,” he admitted, his eyes not leaving their hands. “It feels… very different.”

“Different?” Cassia looked from their hands up to his face, stunned by the realization that there wasn’t anything in his expression that looked like he was put off or worried even. “But not in a bad way?”

She was holding her breath as Cullen tore his eyes away from their hands, looking at her.

“No, not in a bad way,” he said and gave her a small smile. He pulled her hand up, his eyes never leaving hers as he pressed a gentle kiss onto her still slightly cold knuckles. “Not in a bad way at all,” he murmured and Cassia felt her heart flutter.

They would probably have to talk about this more in-depth, but when she looked at Cullen, she was certain that neither of them was inclined to do so right now.

“You have no idea just how much I missed you these past few months,” she confessed in a breathless voice. His eyes lit up and he chuckled softly.

“I am rather sure I know exactly what you mean.” His hand was on the back of her neck again, drawing her closer as he smiled down at her with a glint in his eyes. Almost gently, he wrapped her hair around it and started pulling softly until she bared her neck at him. His lips on her throat made her shudder.

She needed to feel him closer, her hands finding no purchase on the hard steel of his armor. With an impatient noise, she began feeling around for any clue on how to take it off. For a moment, she felt a smile against her, then he pulled away slightly, his hands covering hers, guiding her to the leather buckles that held the pieces together. With combined efforts, the chestplate fell to the floor with a loud crash, hastily followed by his gambeson, and then he was back on her, kissing every bit of skin he could reach.

“Say you don’t have to be anywhere else tonight,” he urged her between placing soft kisses up and down her throat.

Cassia wasn’t sure if she still could manage to get out coherent sentences. “I wanted to be…” A moan interrupted her, bubbling up through her as she felt a hint of teeth in his kisses. “… in the Chantry for the service tomorrow afternoon.” She almost didn’t recognize her own voice, her desire for him making it heavy. “Until then, I am all yours.”

In an instant, she found herself turned around and with her back against his chest, his larger frame covering her completely. It felt like she could feel the searing heat of his body through their clothes as he pressed himself into her from behind. His lips were back on her neck, alternating kisses with small bites that drove her almost mad with desire. “You really shouldn’t have said that,” he groaned next to her ear. “If you say you are all mine, I might hold you to that.” It sounded a bit like a promise and a warning at the same time, and Cassia couldn’t tell which one riled her up more in this moment. He was cupping her breasts through her dress, teasing them with touches that were just enough to want but never enough to please. She bucked her hips, pressing her ass firmly against the bulge in his pants to return the favor.

A deep moan was his answer. She felt his teeth nibbling at her neck as he pinched one of her hardening nipples through the fabric. She found herself getting lost under his touches as his other hand gently ran over her stomach before reaching to pull up the skirt of her dress to slip underneath it and into her smallclothes. He slowly parted her folds, rubbing over her center as every breath she took came out a moan. He continued grinding himself into her, setting a matching rhythm with his fingers. As one of his fingers entered her, she threw her head back onto his shoulder. Her whole body shuddered with heat and want and she felt something building up inside of her as he quickened his pace. “Cullen!” Her voice was rough as she pleaded with him.

His hand stilled completely. “Yes?” he asked teasingly as he bit down on her neck again. Cassia let out a needy sigh as she bucked her hips in a desperate attempt to get him to start moving again. The sweet release she had been chasing just a moment before slowly drifted away from her.

She groaned again, this time in frustration. “I swear if you don’t move right now I’ll…” Her attempt to sound threatening was ruined by the whine that left her mouth as his hands moved completely away from anything stimulating. He was holding her shoulders now, turning her around languidly before kissing her neck again.

“You’ll do what?” He smiled, as he moved up. Even if she would have actually had an answer, she found that she couldn’t talk as he playfully bit her earlobe. But who was she even kidding? What was she even threatening? There was no way she was going to leave now, and Cullen knew it as well. He seemed to be very aware of what he did to her.

“Cullen, it has been months!" she whispered in between kisses and tugged on his shirt. He seemed to agree with the urgency in her voice and a moment later, he was busy getting her out of her dress. When the last button was finally open and it dropped down to the floor just a moment later, he seemed to run out of what little patience he still had. He pulled her closer to him and his hands went underneath her undershirt with determination, running up her back, exploring every inch of skin he could reach. She tried to get his shirt open, both of them moving almost frantically against each other when she heard the telltale sound of fabric lightly tearing.

“Please tell me you are not overly fond of this shirt,” Cullen murmured hotly into her ear. She had barely started shaking her head, still trying to figure out what he meant by this when she heard him breathe out heavily. “Good,” was the only thing he said before his hands left her back and faster as she could comprehend they were in front of her. There was a quick pull, and her eyes widened as he simply tore the shirt apart and off her. A satisfied grin spread over his face as he carelessly threw the torn piece of clothing behind him.

Cassia’s mind was still trying to catch up when she felt hot lips closing around the tip of her breast. Her hands desperately gripped his shoulders for purchase. She could feel him push her smallclothes down and with some wiggling, she stepped out of them. Suddenly, she was very aware of standing in front of him, wearing nothing at all. Cullen had pulled himself away from her, holding her at arm’s length for a moment while his eyes were taking her in. She felt equally nervous and aroused under his hot gaze, being completely naked while he was still fully clothed.

Cullen looked at her like a starving man looking at a feast. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered. With a resolute look in his eyes he took her and gently pushed her back towards his bed. “Sit,” he said simply. Cassia blinked, sitting down instinctively at his commanding tone. When she saw a satisfied look in his eyes, she gasped. With what looked almost like a predatory grin, he sank down in front of her, gently pushing her further up the bed until she leaned back before running his hands down her body. His mouth followed his hands, leaving a trail of kisses over her stomach and further down. When he slowly pushed her legs apart and ran his hands over the insides of her thighs, she felt her heart almost stop.

With the state of her pregnancy, Cassia couldn’t really see what he was doing anymore, only feel the soft touches between her legs, and for a moment, she felt terribly exposed. “Cullen,” she whispered breathlessly. “You don’t…”

“Shh,” he interrupted her as he started placing soft kisses on her thighs. “You have no idea how much I want to do this.” His voice was hoarse, and she felt the slightest bit of stubble lightly scratching over her sensitive skin. “How often I’ve thought about this after you left,” he pleaded as his kisses were nearing her center. “Let me indulge you.” His words were still ringing through the air when she felt his tongue flicker over her most sensitive parts, and she was lost. Instinctively, Cassia spread her legs even wider as sparks of pleasure flew through her at his ministrations, and all she could do at that moment was to try to keep breathing.

He hummed slightly, and the sounds he made against her quickly mingled with the sound of her own blood rushing through her ears as she felt tension coil more and more tightly in her stomach. She felt a tingling sensation go through her entire body. Her legs twitched, but strong hands held her in place. When it finally burst through her, she threw her head back in ecstasy, a small yell leaving her lips as she struggled to get air into her lungs. Her whole body was shaking with the aftershocks as she slowly regained focus. It felt like more than just pleasure had exploded from her body for a moment. Cullen leaned back between her legs and looked up to her, a smug grin on his face as he took in her disheveled state. It seemed she couldn’t tear her gaze away, even if she had wanted to, as he slowly and deliberately licked his lips. Until something else caught her attention. Her fingers were cold, and with growing horror, she noticed the icicles. They were hanging from her hands and not just that, when she turned her head, she saw she had frozen part of the bedside table.

“Oh Maker!" she gasped in horror. “I am so sorry, I swear I never lost control quite like this…” She hadn’t just frozen something, she shot actual ice from her hand. Suddenly, she felt like she wanted to hide behind something, but there was nothing in between them. Shame covered her like a blanket at her loss of control over her powers, but Cullen looked at her as if he didn’t have a single care in the world.

“Don’t,” he said calmly, and Cassia nodded miserably.

“I promise, I’ll try harder, I won’t let it happen again,” she said hastily, trying to assure him that she would do everything she could to stay in control, but to her surprise, he shook his head.

“No, I meant don’t hold yourself back,” Cullen clarified. He had moved up, hovering above her as he gazed deeply into her eyes and his voice rumbled with something new. Something dangerous and exciting. “I could have stopped you at any time.”

Her eyes widened. A shiver went down her spine that had nothing to do with the ice still on her hands and everything with the realization that he actually could.

Cassia couldn’t even say when exactly she had fallen for this man. Then again, did it really matter? The only important thing here was that, despite her best efforts to distance herself, it had still happened. She could try denying it all she wanted now, but it was there, unwavering. Burning brightly in her chest, threatening to burst out of her any moment now. Much like her magic lately, it was way beyond her control.

With a fluid motion, so unlike his usually more restrained movement when he was wearing full armor, he rose up and started to get rid of his own clothes. There was a twinkle in his eyes as he looked at the ice on the table, something almost smug in his expression. “I have to confess I rather enjoy your magical outbursts,” he said with a smile, his voice low. “I like seeing how much I can make you lose control.” A moment later, he was back on the bed with her, and his hands were roaming over her still slightly shivering body again.

Sliding over her breasts, caressing her neck with soft touches, two fingers settled underneath her chin and tilted her head towards him. His eyes held nothing but pure want in them before he closed the small gap between them and kissed her again, and the taste of herself in his mouth sent a spike of heat through her core. His kisses grew more urgent, faster and deeper as his hands were seemingly everywhere on her body. She could feel just how much he wanted her by his arousal being pressed against her and she pushed back against him to urge him on. He groaned into her mouth as she did it again. Her earlier self-consciousness had evaporated completely, and she spread her legs for him to position himself better. She could feel the tension run through him, see the muscles in his arms tense as he kept holding himself up above her, careful to not let any of his weight rest on her.

“I don’t think I can do this nice and slow right now,” he admitted, his lips barely hovering over hers. His hair was tousled from her hands running through it almost nonstop, a slight sheen of sweat was visible on his brow and his breath came out hard. Still, he paused, looking down their bodies, making sure nothing about their position was uncomfortable for her. Cassia had never wanted him more than right at this moment.

“I’ve waited eight months for this, Cullen,” she whispered against his lips. Nice and slow could wait ‘till later for all she cared. She could feel the head of his shaft almost being where she wanted him most and she wriggled beneath him, urging him on with both her body and her voice. “Just take me already!” she said in her most husky voice, and she saw his eyes turn even darker with arousal.

Cullen didn’t need to be asked twice. With a sigh, she felt him enter her completely in one swift stroke. The small yell she let out was muffled by his mouth on hers as he kept kissing her almost furiously for a moment before he pulled back. He straightened his back and his hands ran down her side until they were firmly set on her hips as he started to move. He set an unforgiving pace, giving her almost no time to think or adjust to anything. Her entire body was humming with desire as she matched his rhythm with her own. The room was filled with the sounds they made, their breathing and the sound of skin against skin. Cassia was dimly aware that she had lost all train of thought as she tried to get her hands on as many places as possible on him, which wasn’t easy. Their position had most of him out of reach for her and so she settled for holding on to his arms. Nothing mattered anymore but his touch, the feeling of the muscles tensing underneath her fingertips, the desperate sounds he made when she rolled her hips just right in unison with him.

She could feel the familiar tension in her lower body build up again as he kept up his relentless pace of moving inside her. Her legs had locked behind his hips as she tried to draw him into her even further. Cassia kept whispering his name in between breaths like a prayer as she got closer and closer to losing herself. Cullen’s breath went faster as he slightly sped up his thrusts, and with a desperate cry, she was flying over the edge. It felt like her senses were exploding as wave after wave of pure bliss washed over her, shaking her body to its core. She could hear him groan loudly as she spasmed around him, and he buried himself deep inside of her before he joined her in her bliss.

They stayed like this, not moving for a while. Neither of them was in a hurry to come down from their high again. When Cassia slowly tried to move again, she felt Cullen carefully draw out of her and shift until he could lower himself down to lie next to her. A moment later, he kissed her again. It was almost surprisingly sweet and simple, unlike their frantic movements only minutes before, and she sighed contentedly into him. Cullen chuckled as he looked at her with pure adoration on his face. He pulled back way too soon for her taste, and she instinctively tried to follow, arching into his touch. He stopped her pursuit, his hand on her shoulder holding her in place as he leaned in again.

“No need to hurry, we have all night,” he murmured next to her ear. “More than that even, we have all the time in the world now.”

Cassia smiled at his words. He was right. She had said yes after all. The thought about what that actually meant felt absolutely surreal to her. Next to her, Cullen moved slightly, and a moment later, she felt his arm sneak in between her and the bedding underneath until he could draw it closely around her and pull her against him.

“That was definitely not slow,” she said, still smiling as her head came to rest on his shoulder. “Still very nice, though!” She could feel his chuckle underneath her.

“Well, good thing the night is still young,” he said as his hand started caressing her arm and Cassia closed his eyes, simply enjoying the feeling of being held for a while. There were things they still needed to talk about. Plans to make. Nothing about this was going to be easy after all. But for the moment, she was content to simply lie here and enjoy the moment.

There was no urgency, no need to force herself to deal with everything on her plate right now. Not tonight at least. None of the problems they had to tackle could be solved right now, in the middle of the night after all. They would still be there tomorrow. For now, she could relax for the rest of the night. For the first time ever in her life, she realized, in the arms of someone else. It was a thought that was still with her much later, when her eyes finally closed, and she fell into a very relaxing sleep.

The next day, Cassia woke up slowly. She didn’t know how long she had slept, but the room wasn’t fully light yet, so she knew it couldn't be too late. A pleasant feeling of physical exhaustion was going through her body. But there was something more. Before she could even fully clear her head from the remnants of sleep, a jolt of pleasure went through her entire body, making her moan out loud. Cullen was pressed up behind her, nuzzling her neck. One of his arms was around her hips, his hand between her legs, teasing ripples of pleasure out of her. “Morning,” he mumbled into her ear.

Last night had been frantic, driven and almost wild at some points despite their efforts to slow down, but this morning, it felt different. Unhurried and calm. She let her head fall back as he continued his slow movements. When she started pushing back into his movements, he shifted slightly, and a moment later, she felt him slowly enter her, gradually moving along with the rhythm of his hand. He had definitely paid attention to what she liked last night, for even as he moved almost lazily, it took only a couple of minutes until she felt herself getting louder and clamping down around him as waves of pleasure washed over her. He joined her only a moment later.

“What a way to wake up,” she mumbled softly as she came down from her high. She felt his soft laughter in his chest as he drew some of her hair out of her face. He had slipped out of her, turning her over to press a soft kiss against her lips.

“Something you could get used to?” He sounded like he was teasing, but she knew there was so much more behind his words. A smile took over her face as she nodded.

“Definitely!" she answered, looking him directly in the eyes to make sure he knew what she meant. His answering smile was almost blindingly intense.

She could definitely get used to this. In fact, Cassia felt like she could barely wait to get started. But at that thought, a shadow fell over her as she thought about what the next steps towards their future entailed.

Cassia could feel the enthusiasm and the joy practically bleed away from her at the perspective. Cullen placed a soft kiss onto her temple as he continued to hold her closely against him.

“What are you worrying about?” he asked quietly.

Cassia closed her eyes for a moment and sighed. “My family,” she said. “I haven’t even told my mother about us yet.” And that wasn’t even the worst part. But she couldn’t tell him that, could she?

Cullen seemed much less worried about all of that as he looked at her. “We will just have to do a very good job in convincing her that I have your best interests at heart,” he said with an encouraging smile, and Cassia felt her heart sink. If only it were that simple. Ironically, it even might be if they were only talking about Leandra.

“My mother might get on board with that,” she said slowly, “but…”

Cullen’s eyebrows rose up. “There is someone you worry more about than your mother?” A look of understanding spread slowly over his face. “Your sister?”

When Cassia nodded slightly, Cullen held her a bit closer, obviously trying to comfort her.

“You worry she might be upset at you?” he asked, and Cassia flinched. If only that were the problem.

She shook her head. “She already is. That’s not what I’m worried about,” she said softly. For a moment, she wondered if she should really tell him this, but then she took a resolute breath. She had to. Adriene had already mentioned it after all. He had to know what he was getting into.

“I am more worried about you,” she finally said. A frown appeared on his face.

“About me?” he asked, confusion in his voice, and Cassia nodded. With a quiet voice, she started telling him about the first time someone found out that she was a mage. How Adriene had reacted, went after him and killed him. How her parents had encouraged and praised her for it. Once Cassia started to talk, she found that she almost couldn’t stop again as she told Cullen all the other little things that had happened in her youth. From how she discovered her magic to it being the cause for her family having to leave their home behind. From the endless hiding and training to the constant fear of being discovered. How Adriene had once killed someone right in front of her without hesitation a few years after that first time. It was like something broke free from her, things she had never told another person ever before. Cullen listened to all of it, his arm around her getting a little firmer as he held her more tightly against him. When she finally stopped talking, it was strangely quiet in his bedroom for a while. Gone was every last bit of the comfortable atmosphere she had woken up to earlier.

“You are afraid your sister might come after me?” Cullen finally asked, breaking the silence between them.

Cassia shuddered slightly at hearing the thought spoken out loud. “I want to think that things are different now. Here in Kirkwall, I mean.” They had social standing to think of now, and simply running away to the next village wasn’t really an option anymore, but her worries remained. “But I don’t know. I don’t know what she is going to do.” She let out a deep sigh. “Don’t judge her too harshly, please,” she implored Cullen. “In a way, it is what she was raised to do. What our father kept emphasizing. Protect at all costs…”

Cullen’s hand was running over her skin in soothing motions. “Perhaps if we talk to her directly…” He stopped talking as Cassia shivered against him. For a moment, he paused before asking with a curious voice, “Cassia, are you afraid of your sister?”

She swallowed, shaking her head vigorously. “Of course not! Afraid of Adriene? That would be silly!” Her heart started to beat a little faster, but she pushed every thought about why aside. “She does all this to protect me, after all! There is no reason to be afraid for myself!” Cassia said, almost stumbling over her words in her haste.

Cullen’s hand closed around her own, holding it tightly. “Then why are you shaking like a leaf?”

Cassia’s breath hitched at the realization that he was not wrong. That it wasn’t even just her hand that had begun to shake but her entire body. She felt his arms around her pulling her tightly against his chest as she found herself unable to stop shivering.

“She has protected me her entire life,” Cassia said quietly, her voice uneven. How ungrateful could she even be to pay her back with fear? Adriene had never hurt her. On the contrary, she had done everything in her power to keep other people from hurting her. And yet…

“Growing up, we did everything together,” Cassia started telling Cullen, staring ahead to a blank point at the wall. “We spent every single moment together, and then I got my magic and everything just… changed. I saw her less often. I had to learn control of my magic after all, and Adriene…” Cassia’s breath hitched. “Adriene learned to fight.” Not just to fight. To kill. ‘Whatever necessary’ was what their father kept telling them. Cassia felt tears well up in her eyes at the realization that Cullen was right. She was not only afraid of her sister, a part of her was absolutely terrified.

“She was my best friend,” she said tonelessly. “The most important person in the world for me, and then…” Cassia still shivered. “And in a way, I am the cause for all of this. If I hadn’t lost control over my magic, if I had been better at that, none of this would have happened.” She felt a painful clench around her heart. In a way, her own inability to control her magic had been what had turned her sweet and joyful sister into a murderer. Again and again. Her magic had been what broke things apart between them. Maybe in a way, they would be unable to ever fix.

“It was not your fault,” Cullen said softly against her. “You were children!” As if he was sensing that Cassia was about to argue, his arms tightened around her. “No, Cassia, listen to me, you did not cause this. The circumstances were awful, and there are probably many things that led to the situations you described, but it certainly wasn’t the fault of an untrained child!”

Cassia swallowed at his words. Not quite sure she could believe them. But oh how much she wanted to. More tears were running down her cheeks as she let out a quiet sob. Cullen just kept holding her firmly as she fell apart in his arms, for the first time ever realizing the pain behind her broken relationship with her sister. Realizing what they had lost on that very first fateful day. Grieving for the friendship, the sisterhood they could have had between them instead. He kept holding her until she felt she had no more tears to spill until her body was too exhausted to keep shaking in fear. Murmuring soothing nothings into her ear, kissing away the remains of her tears ever so gently until she closed her eyes in exhaustion and fell asleep again in his arms.

She had no idea for how long she had slept, but when she opened her eyes the next time, bright sunshine was flooding his bedroom. His arms were still around her, the warmth of his chest a solid pillar of strength at her back as she breathed deeply. Nothing had been solved, but somehow, Cassia still felt different. As if something had been unlocked inside her, had come loose. Like her emotions were still raw, but at least they were out in the open now, no longer tightly coiled around her heart, threatening to suffocate her from within. She still didn’t know what to do, but as she felt his arms around her, she found she was just a little bit less afraid of the feeling.

It was in that moment that she realized what had woken her up. From down the hallway through the bedroom door came the sound of very insistent, very loud knocking.


	26. Out in the Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your comments and participation in our little giveaway :D Anchanted-One won a complete edition of Final Fantasy XVI - thank you again for your support! ♥  
> For WIPs, previews and background info, [come find us on Tumblr](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com).

Adriene returned home just before dawn with a smile in the corner of her lips and a flutter in her heart. Bodhan was already in the kitchen, stoking the fire in the hearth.

“Lady Adriene!” he exclaimed, shaking his head at her when she sneaked into the kitchen. “Please tell me you haven’t fought through another night.”

Adriene just grinned at his disapproving click of the tongue. “Bodhan, please, stop calling me lady. How often do I have to tell you? My mother is the lady, even my sisters, but not me.” She peeked into the pots on the hearth. “And no, no fighting tonight. Just… time with a friend. You don’t have any coffee already by any chance?”

The dwarf frowned. “You don’t get enough sleep as is, surely you shouldn’t ruin what little you could get now with coffee.”

She was ready to protest, but a yawn stopped her. Bodhan just looked at her with raised eyebrows, and she sighed. “Oh well, alright. But please promise me I can still get some later?”

A low chuckle. “Promise, La— Adriene,” he corrected himself at her look.

“Thank you,” she beamed. “You’re the best.”

“Someone has to take care of you,” he just grumbled. “Now go get yourself to bed.”

As promised, there was coffee ready when she came down a few hours later. She could hear Bethany and Leandra talk and laugh in the garden and was smiling to herself as she settled into the armchair, King Barkistair flopping down on her feet immediately. Cassia was nowhere to be seen, but Adriene faintly remembered her talking about having to see Anders today. He probably wanted to check on the baby. For a second, she thought about getting to Lowtown herself, but then she just snuggled back further into the armchair.

What was it what Fenris had said? _You are not responsible for them._ It still felt weird to think like that, but maybe she could indeed just… take a step back. Try to not continuously split her attention between her sisters, her friends and all the stuff the city threw at her.

Adriene looked at the stack of letters she had taken from the desk and shook her head as she took another sip of coffee. When had she become the main babysitter of Hightown? she wondered idly and opened the first letter with the Viscount’s seal.

_His Grace, the honorable Viscount Dumar, has asked me to inform you that the Arishok has asked for you by name to take care of—_

“Adriene!” She looked up in surprise as the door opened and Anders came in, immediately coming over to her when he saw her. There was concern in his voice.

“Anders?” she asked. “Weren’t you supposed to meet with Cassia this morning?”

He nodded. “I was. Which is why I came by — Cassia still hasn’t shown up. Is she home?”

The peace and quiet contentment of the morning was gone in a second, and Adriene put the letter aside, a well-known anxiousness rising within her that had only intensified since she knew about Cullen. “I haven’t seen her today. Wait, let me check her room. Go ask Bethany and Mom, will you?”

Anders gave her a short nod and went to talk to Leandra and Bethany while Adriene hurried upstairs, knocking loudly at Cassia’s door. “Cassia? Cass? Are you in there?” she called, but there was no answer.

After just a moment, she opened the door and looked inside. The bed was untouched and there was no sign of Cassia. Adriene bit her lip and walked inside, trying to get ahold of the desperate worry inside her. Where could she be?!

Anders came into the room just a minute later. “They haven’t seen her,” he said immediately, “is she…” He trailed off as he saw Adriene standing at Cassia’s desk, a card in her hand.

“She has gone to Cullen,” she said tonelessly and looked up at him, her eyes wide and frightened.

Anders closed the distance between them and took the card from her hands. It was a calling card, with Cullen’s address on it.

“Do you think she…” he started, worry in his voice, and Adriene nodded.

There was no doubt in her mind that Cassia had gone to Cullen with the intention of telling him about her magic. She had seen just how much her sister was in love with him, knew about her hopes.

“What if he has arrested her, and that’s why she’s not here?” she whispered, but Anders shook his head.

“I doubt it. If he had done that, you’d have a notification by the Gallows by now. Or would have already been arrested for harboring an apostate.”

Adriene’s eyes widened, and she paled even more, then she ran out of the room without saying another word. “Bethany!” she called as she ran downstairs. “Bethany!”

Her sister hurried inside with worried eyes, Leandra shortly behind her. “What? Is Cassia alright?”

“I don’t know. I hope so,” she said, already grabbing her weapon’s belt. “But I want you to grab your bag, get yourself through the cellar to Darktown, now. Just in case. If there are templars coming, I don’t want you to be home.”

Leandra’s hand flew to her throat. “Templars?” she stammered.

Adriene pressed her lips together for a second. “It might be nothing, Mom. But I’d rather have you safe just in case.”

Anders had arrived downstairs, too. “You can stay in the clinic,” he said, giving Leandra a soothing smile. “I’ll be there as soon as possible to make sure you’re alright.”

Bethany’s eyes were dark, and she was very quiet as she put on her cloak. “Are you going with Adriene?” she asked him, and he nodded. Bethany swallowed. “Do you think that is wise?” Her eyes flickered to Adriene.

Anders followed her eyes, a determined look on his face. “I’m a Grey Warden, Bethany. Templars can’t touch me.”

“Oh,” she said, nodding. “Right.” Then she put her arm around Leandra, whose eyes were frightened and hard. “Come, Mom.”

Leandra looked at Adriene. “You make sure your sister comes home, you hear me?”

Something dark flickered over Adriene’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. She fastened the belt, her voice quiet. “I always do, Mom. Whatever is necessary, right?” When she looked at her mother, her eyes were nearly expressionless, and Anders felt unease rising inside him.

Leandra just nodded. “Right,” she said with just the tiniest hesitation. Then, she followed Bethany to the cellar.

Anders looked at Adriene. “What did she mean?” he asked, but she didn’t answer.

Just a few minutes later, they stood in front of Cullen’s house. Adriene tilted her head. “You know, I always thought it was a merchant,” she said and sighed, a fake cheerfulness to her voice. “Well, no free coffee after all, I guess.”

Anders just rolled his eyes at her, but she paid him no heed, banging at the door.

Inside, Cassia carefully sat up, fighting down the slightly queasy feeling inside of her. She no longer suffered from permanently feeling sick in the morning, but it was obviously later in the day already, and she hadn’t eaten anything since the late afternoon the day before. She took a few deep breaths until the feeling slowly went away again before she looked at Cullen, who was already busy putting on pants. When he was done, he leaned across the bed to give her a short but sweet kiss.

“Good morning again,” he smiled at her. “I’ll go see who it is, you don’t have to hurry. What do you think about breakfast in bed when I get back?”

Cassia smiled widely at his suggestion. “I think that sounds like an amazing idea!” she agreed.

The knocking came again, even louder this time, and with a sigh, Cullen straightened up. “Be right back,” he promised before hurrying towards the door.

She was about to just let herself fall back into the pillows when she heard a familiar voice.

“Is Cassia with you?”

That was Adriene’s voice.

Faster than Cassia thought possible, she got out of bed, hastily looking for something to put on. Her torn shirt was unwearable, and putting on her dress looked like it would take her way too long, especially on her own. She put her smalls back on and grabbed the shirt Cullen had been wearing last night, trying to get dressed as fast as she could.

In the hallway, Cullen blinked in confusion at the sight he got after opening the door. In front of him stood Adriene with a tense expression on her face, and behind her…

“Anders?” he asked confused.

The mage only gave him a short nod. “Knight-Captain.”

It was all he said. He didn’t seem to deem it necessary to explain why exactly he was standing at his doorstep, and Cullen frowned.

“Cullen!” Adriene didn’t seem to have come with much patience as her voice cut through his still slightly confused thoughts. “My sister! Is she with you?”

He was about to answer when what had happened in the morning returned to him. The things Cassia had told him. Her shaky voice and her scared look. For the briefest of moments, he hesitated. He had never seen Cassia actually be afraid of anything before. Not even when she had told him about her magic. She had been nervous, but there hadn’t been any fear in her eyes. Not like this morning. But there wasn’t really any scenario where trying to hide their further involvement would work out well for either of them. Lying would be of no use.

“She is,” he said slowly, fixating Adriene with a challenging look. ‘What are you going to do about it?’ was the unspoken question that burned on his tongue.

Adriene narrowed her eyes at Cullen, the relief at his words only short-lived when she saw the challenge on his face. “You won’t mind if I make sure of that, will you?” she said in a sweet voice. “Our mother has been very worried when she didn’t come home last night.”

There was another tense pause. Adriene’s heart beat hard, and her fingers itched to get to her weapons, but she knew that it would be a bad idea in the middle of the street and in bright daylight. There was something in Cullen’s eyes she couldn’t quite place, something more than the general animosity that normally stood between them. Had he done something to Cassia after all?

Or did he not yet know about Cassia’s magic? Had Cassia only spent the night and never even been in any danger?

Something like uncertainty flickered over her face, but she quickly pushed it away. Cullen still seemed to weigh his options when Anders put his hand on Adriene’s shoulder in a calming gesture of support. “She was supposed to come to see me this morning,” he said in a surprisingly calm and level voice, “and since she is normally very thorough in this matter, you can surely understand that we want to make sure that she is alright.”

Just at that moment, the door at the far end of the hallway flew open and a still slightly disheveled, absolutely determined-looking Cassia practically stalked towards them. Despite her pregnancy and despite being barefoot and only wearing a shirt, Cullen thought she made for an almost fearsome appearance. It was her face, he realized a second later. The look in her eyes. And the tightly balled fist that was already enclosed with ice.

“Step away from him!” she said in a low voice as she put herself directly in front of Cullen and in between him and her sister. 

Cullen could see that both visitors at his doorstep were as surprised as he was. When he looked at Cassia, at her tense back in front of him, he noticed that unlike yesterday, there was absolutely no stray magic floating around her. This was not an accident, this was completely deliberate. Carefully, he put a calming hand on her shoulder.

“Cassia, it’s alright,” he said softly, already feeling her tension slightly ebb off under his hand. It didn’t seem to be enough though, and he nudged her shoulder. “We are all just talking here.” His voice was calm, trying to make her feel the same way. “Let’s just try to keep it like that, calm, alright?” 

His other hand had gone to her ice-wielding arm, and with a sense of relief, he noticed that the cold started to ebb away, slowly disappearing as he gently pulled her back against him. He shot a look at Adriene and Anders.

“You better get inside, this is not a conversation we should have in an open doorway where half of Hightown can see.”

“I’m not sure it’s a conversation we should have at all,” Adriene murmured, but she still followed Cullen as he carefully steered Cassia back inside. She was still shocked by the way Cassia had come towards them, ready to attack. She knew her sister’s fighting style, and this had been as clear a warning as it got. Adriene’s hands had gone towards her weapons nearly instinctively, her eyes wide as Cassia had advanced on them.

There was a tense silence between them. Cullen led them through the hallway into a small living room. Adriene couldn’t help but notice that his house had a certain coziness. Warm rugs on the floor, a couch and two armchairs in front of the fireplace, a dining table. A few tasteful paintings on the wall, the sunburst symbol above the fireplace. Her eyes flickered through the room before they came to rest on Cassia and Cullen again. Cassia looked back at her with a strange expression in her eyes — a weird mix of anxiousness and challenge. Cullen had his arm around her shoulders. Adriene could feel Anders’ presence next to her, breathing a bit easier because of it. 

“So he knows,” Adriene said stiffly, narrowing her eyes on Cullen, appraising him.

“He knew already when we talked in the Red Sails,” Cassia shot back, and Adriene felt the blood drain from her face. He had already known back then?!

“I take it then that it’s a good sign you’re not in the Gallows already,” she said, her voice lowering. She didn’t even quite notice how she tensed, every muscle in her body getting ready to spring into action if necessary.

Cullen seemed to notice her tension and narrowed his eyes, repositioning himself slightly to be between her and Cassia. As if she would ever hurt her sister. “Cassia has nothing to fear from me,” he assured her, but Adriene just scoffed.

“Yeah, right. Up until the point when she has,” she spat. It wouldn’t be the first time that a templar changed his mind or put duty above personal feelings.

Cassia took a step towards her again, her fist icing over, and her eyes threw daggers at her sister. “What are you trying to say, Adriene?” she hissed.

“That he’s a templar, Cassia!” Adriene shot back. “He’s sworn to stand against you! Don‘t tell me you’ve forgotten!”

Suddenly, the temperature in the room dropped by several degrees, and Adriene gasped as she realized that Cassia got indeed ready to attack her. 

But before she could do anything else, Anders interrupted. “Called it!” With a look at Cassia, he grinned, trying to lift the mood. “Told you he still has a thing for mages…”

Cullen sputtered slightly, looking incredulously at Anders. “I didn’t even suspect about her magic until two days ago…” he said almost out reflex.

There was still tension in the room, but it was obvious that the other man was trying to dissolve it a bit with his ill attempts at humor. And looking at the sisters, that was not the worst idea right now.

“So that rumor was true after all!” Anders still grinned, with raised eyebrows. “Now just who…”

“You seem to have done well for yourself,” Cullen interrupted him, nodded at Anders. “Your clinic is going well, I guess?” He could see the need for a slight diversion, but definitely not with Anders’ topic of choice.

That drew Cassia out of staring at her sister, and the room warmed up a bit again. “You know about the clinic? Since when?” she asked, looking back and forth between them. There was a hint of worry in her eyes, and Cullen couldn’t fault her for that.

“About the Darktown healer? Since shortly after I got here.” At Cassia’s wide-eyed look, he shrugged. “As long as he is out there healing people, he sure as the Blight isn’t a blood mage. Additionally, he’s a Warden,” he explained. “You wouldn’t believe the amount of paperwork I’d have to deal with if we tried to arrest him.”

Cassia’s eyes turned skeptical. “Paperwork? Are you serious?”

“I’m not joking about this, Wardens are beyond our jurisdiction.” The skepticism still hadn’t left her eyes. It was as if she could sense that it wasn’t all of it. Cullen let out a sigh.

“It might not be the only reason,” he admitted. “It’s not like Meredith makes it possible for anyone who isn’t in her closest circle or has a lot of money to use any healing services in this city…”

This seemed to also pull Adriene out of the earlier stupor, and she scoffed loudly. “You templars tend to arrest people on suspicion of being suspicious already… you really want to tell me the Knight-Commander would care about some extra paperwork?”

“Probably not.” Anders sounded like he was just realizing something, and he narrowed his eyes at Cullen. “But then again, she has people working for her who obviously don’t think she needs to know everything…” There was something almost challenging in his eyes as he kept looking at Cullen intensely. “Letting mages escape, being fine with free apostates… They sure won’t use you as an example in templar school.”

Cullen looked back in disbelief at his words. “Are you trying to encourage me to be a more obedient templar?”

Anders shook his head. “No! Just wondering what caused this change…”

Cullen’s face turned a bit harder, more shut off than before. “Keep wondering then,” he said slowly, unwilling to even entertain the thought of continuing the part of the conversation.

“Oh no, you don’t get to be evasive here,” Adriene threw at him, ignoring the way Cassia stepped between her and Cullen for the moment, even though it cut right into her heart. “This is Kirkwall. There is more than one life on the line here, so why? Why are you protecting her? And don’t hide behind ‘I love her’. Every mage who is made tranquil every other day in your Circle has someone who loves them."

Cullen straightened at her words. "I am not at liberty to discuss the inner workings of the Circle with outsiders,” he said stiffly.

There was something off about the way he said it, as if it was a sentence learned by heart and said automatically, without thought. For a second, Adriene narrowed her eyes at him in thought, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on what bothered her. 

“Yeah, I didn’t expect you to,” she said slowly. She nodded towards Cassia. “So it’s just her, yes? Not a general problem with the whole ‘mages in Circles’ thing, but… her.”

Cullen seemed to tense slightly at her words, his eyes locking with hers. “I serve the order with conviction if that is what you’re asking.”

“Not really,” Adriene answered lightly, a humorless smile curling the corner of her lips. “I mean, I already know that you’re lying to yourself, because if your conviction was actually adamant, Cassia would be in the Circle right now, you would never meet your child, and I would hang from the city wall. So where exactly do you stand, _Knight-Captain?_ ”

For a moment, he simply refused to say anything. He could see the fire in Adriene’s eyes, hear the sharpness of her voice, the disgust at his title. She was not just simply baiting him into saying something. It was clear that her questions had something else fuelling them. Desperation? It felt like she _needed_ to know. Could he tell her, though? He had already put his neck out when he asked her to help him with his investigation. It had been a huge risk to involve her, but she had been more than just a little helpful. What she was asking of him now made it seem small in comparison, though. His eyes briefly went over to Cassia. She was still tense. Not as much as before but enough to be noticeable. He felt a sudden calmness flow through him as he realized that he might not _want_ to be open with Adriene, but that he would do so anyway, for Cassia’s sake. With a deep sigh, his shoulders relaxed a bit as he looked back at Adriene.

“The Knight-Commander is slowly but constantly eroding the very foundation on which the templars were founded,” he said quietly, but with an unshakable firmness in his voice. “But she is well connected and powerful. I can’t even estimate how much time it will take, but ultimately, she needs to be removed from her position.”

“You’re serious?” Cassia whispered in disbelief. “That’s what you’ve been working on? Since when?”

Cullen turned towards her. “Since I really got to know her. About half a year after I arrived in Kirkwall.” 

Adriene stared at Cullen, blinking in astonishment, her thoughts racing. Of all the things she had expected to hear, this was not even close to that list. She looked back at Anders, exchanging a silent look with him. She could see that he was thinking along the same lines as she. If what Cullen said was true, if he was working against Meredith and what she did… he could be a potential ally.

Suddenly, this was no longer just about Cassia. This was about the Circle of Kirkwall, about the fate of all the mages here.

The silence in the room was heavy, as if the very air acknowledged the gravity of what Cullen had just said. But there was a hardness to Anders’ mouth as he stared at the Knight-Captain, just a flash of light in the corner of his eyes. Without thinking about it, Adriene turned to him, grabbing his arm and pushing him back towards the far corner of the room.

“Anders,” she hissed, trying to keep her voice low enough so neither Cassia nor Cullen could hear her, “this could be big.”

He narrowed his eyes at Cullen before he turned towards her. “It changes nothing,” Anders growled equally quietly, the hollow edge to his voice a sign that Justice was close to the surface. “He would still have a Circle. He served in Ferelden and did nothing against what was done to me and the others.”

“I know!” Adriene shot back, her whole attention now focussed on Anders, then repeated a bit more softly, “I know, Anders. But I overheard him talk about that to Cassia already. He was there when the blood mages took over, he was tortured by them, and he still came to the conclusion that the new way there is better than the old.” She put a hand on his cheek as she saw that flicker of light again, and the hairs on her arm raised as she felt his magic ready to flare up any moment. For a second, she was tempted to look back to Cullen, to see if he sensed just how close the spirit was but decided against it. Keeping Anders here was more important right now. “Stay with me, Anders, please. Don’t give this to Justice,” she pleaded in barely more than a whisper. “I’m not saying this is the end, I’m saying this might be a start. It could give us an in into the Circle, to get help there!”

Something in Anders seemed to relax, and Adriene let out a breath as she saw Justice’s presence slink back into him, then she gave him a small smile and her hand sank down. “Shall we at least try it?” she asked. For a moment, he seemed uncertain, then his eyes softened, and he nodded. 

Cullen had felt the hairs at his neck stand up slightly. As if there was a tiny, barely noticeable current of electricity going through the room for a moment. He had not taken his eyes off Adriene and Anders, watching them carefully as he tried to make sense of the eerie feeling in the air. Before they had turned around again, it had vanished, though. He was still puzzled, trying to figure out what had just happened when Anders suddenly talked to him again.

“So what would you do, Knight-Captain?” Anders asked loudly, turning back towards Cullen. “What would you change once you have Meredith’s place?” He indicated Cassia as they came closer. “Could mages marry under your rule? Keep our children? Or would that still be a… privilege?”

For a moment, he wasn’t sure how to react. “Taking over?” he asked, tilting his head in confusion. Under his rule? Vehemently, he shook his head. “I wasn’t planning to replace…” he stopped himself from talking as he realized that he had indeed not even begun to start planning ahead that much. What would happen if he got what he was trying to do, if Meredith would indeed be ordered away from Kirkwall? Getting even near that goal had been so far in the future, it hadn’t played a large part in his deliberations so far.

“I have to admit I cannot answer that,” he said thoughtfully only to hold up a hand as Adriene seemed ready to say something sharp again. “I am not trying to be evasive,” he insisted. He let out a sigh. “For the last couple of months, I have been mostly busy with trying to find short-term solutions to help with some of the more pressing issues.” He gave Adriene a short nod, and her eyes lit up in understanding. She knew he meant things like the job he asked her help for. 

“At the same time, I’ve tried to find ways to go against Meredith without… well, without _going against_ Meredith. At least not directly, I almost didn’t manage to stay afloat the first time I tried.” There was still a somewhat deeply uncomfortable feeling in his stomach at sharing any of this information. Cassia had shifted next to him and he felt her hand wrapping around his in a silent gesture of support. He squeezed it briefly. 

“There are so many obstacles, I haven’t gotten nearly as far as I had hoped when I started,” he added. “So the thought of what would happen if I actually succeeded has not even been on my mind yet.” It was an admission he didn’t like to make at all, but by now, he didn’t seem to have a choice. 

How had this lazy morning that had started out almost perfectly in the early hours of dawn turned into a situation he would have never seen himself in? Cassia was still tightly holding on to his hand, and when he looked at her, he could see she was still somewhat on edge. And a bit pale on top of it, she seemed to be straining under the tension. Maybe standing around, almost battle-ready for a prolonged time really wasn’t what she was supposed to be doing in her condition. 

“Do you need to sit down? Or do you need anything else?” he asked her quietly, for a moment ignoring the presence of the other two, only having eyes for the woman at his side who softly nodded. 

“I think I need some water, maybe a piece of bread?” she answered, her eyes still restlessly moving over the room. 

With a resolute nod, he turned back to Anders and Adriene. “How about I set up some coffee and we sit down before we continue this? I have the feeling this won’t be a short or an easy conversation.” When no one directly objected, Cullen gestured at the sofa. “Make yourselves comfortable, I guess? Oh, and careful around the armoire, it has been made in the Gallows and has anti-magic enchantments on it.”

Cassia’s eyebrows went up. “You have an enchanted wardrobe in your house?”

Cullen shrugged. It hadn’t been fully his decision after all. “When the Knight-Commander gives you a housewarming gift, you don’t turn her down.”

Adriene’s eyes were sharp again as she looked from Cassia to him. “Shouldn’t that be something you already warned Cassia about yesterday?” 

Cullen couldn’t suppress a small grin. “I would have if we would have made it into the living room…” With that, he turned around and went into the kitchen for their coffee.

Anders wasted no time and went over to Cassia to lend her an arm as she walked over to the couch. A shimmer of magic was on his hand as he held it over her belly, then checked her pulse. “You’re too pale for my taste,” he said. “Have you eaten already?”

Cassia just shook her head, her eyes on Adriene. Adriene hadn’t moved yet, just looked at her sister. “How much does he know?” she asked quietly enough that her voice wouldn’t carry into the adjacent room. “Bethany? Merrill?”

Cassia’s eyes narrowed slightly, and she tensed again. “Just me,” she answered, and Adriene’s shoulders relaxed somewhat. Still, there was a heavy weight on her heart as she watched her twin. The way Cassia had looked at her, her magic ready… “Would you really have attacked me?” she asked, hurt and disbelief clear in her voice.

Her sister’s reaction was immediate as she shook her head. “I wasn't going to attack you! I was ready to protect him in case you did!”

Adriene just stared at her, still frozen where she stood. Suddenly, it felt hard to breathe. “I see,” she murmured tonelessly.

For a second, nobody said anything, then Adriene shook herself, pushing the swirl of emotions deep down as she straightened. “Well, if this takes longer, I should let Bethany and Mom know that they don’t have to flee Kirkwall just yet. And that you’re safe.” She saw her sister’s look and tilted her head. “What, did you think I would let them just wait at home?” The secret passage to Darktown had been the first thing she had secured when they moved into Hightown, making sure they had an out at any time. “For all we knew, you could’ve…” _you could’ve been dead in a ditch and templars already surrounding the house,_ she wanted to say, but she caught Anders’ warning look just in time and stopped. Her eyes flickered to Cassia’s belly, and she sighed. “I’ll let them know you’re both safe,” she said softly. “I won’t be long.”

Adriene hurried through the secret passage to Anders’ clinic where Leandra and Bethany waited anxiously. “She’s safe,” was the first thing Adriene said, and Leandra sank down onto one of the cots with a relieved sigh.

“What happened?” Bethany asked, but Adriene just shook her head, her face closing as she thought back to what happened at Cullen’s.

“Not my place to tell. Cassia will give you the details,” she answered. “Listen, I need to run again, there’s something else to take care of. Get Mom home, but maybe stay in for today, just to be on the safe side, alright?” The worry in Bethany’s face deepened, and Adriene gave her a quick hug. “It’ll be fine, Bethy. I’ll be back soon to check on you.”

Bethany nodded, then she said, “Be careful, Ria. I’ll take care of Mom.”

“I know you will.”

She was back through the passage in no time, telling Bodhan to prepare tea for her mother before she hurried back to Cullen.

Cassia swallowed as she watched her sister leave. Just how low was Adriene’s opinion of her? The way she had talked sounded almost like an accusation. “I have never in my entire life attacked anyone,” Cassia whispered quietly, looking at no one in particular. “I’ve only ever used my magic in defense, why would she even think I would change that now?” She looked down at her hands that for once were remarkably calm.

Anders put a comforting arm around her shoulder for a moment. “Well, in Adriene’s defense, you did look pretty terrifying, coming at us like that,” he said, trying to sound more lighthearted than he felt. He wasn’t entirely sure what was going on between the sisters, but he was certain it was something far more complex than this one situation. “Seriously, you look like you just fell out of bed, but even in that state I was ready to take a step back…”

He wasn’t even exaggerating. He could absolutely see why Adriene had thought what she had thought. Just like Adriene, he had seen Cassia fight before and as much as he might critique her technique, he also knew that despite all her issues, she certainly was powerful. Powerful enough that he would easily give her the advantage against someone who had to get close to her with a weapon.

“I just…” Cassia’s voice quivered slightly as she turned to look at him. There was a look of absolute misery on her face. “I was so damn afraid, Anders…” 

For a moment, he was taken aback. He had never seen anything like this in her eyes before. Not even down in the Deep Roads. 

“You were that afraid that Adriene would attack Cullen?” he said, disbelief all over his face. It only became stronger when Cassia nodded quietly.

“It’s what she does when people know… It’s what she did to the others,” came her toneless reply. “Whatever is necessary…”

Anders felt a shiver run over his back as he recognized the words. The same phrase Adriene had said to Leandra earlier. What in the Void was going on here? Something he needed to talk to Adriene about. But that would have to wait. Cullen was returning to the living room in that moment, and he could see Cassia take a deep breath, pushing whatever had occupied her mind away as she stood up and took some of the things he was carrying from him. 

“Where is your sister?” he asked, looking around with a worried expression.

Cassia was already busy ignoring every negative feeling inside of her for the moment, focussing on setting the table. Anything to keep her mind somewhat busy.

“She is quickly telling my mother not to worry about me,” she replied, not stopping what she was doing. “She’ll be back in a moment.” 

Both Cullen and Anders were helping her task along, and a few minutes later, she was back to sitting on the sofa, this time curled up against Cullen with a mug of coffee in one hand and a piece of fruit in the other, eating it slowly, hoping for the uneasy feeling in her stomach to at least somewhat disappear. 

While they waited for Adriene to come back, Cullen and Anders held a clipped conversation that eventually died off when they ran out of polite things to say. Cassia seemed lost in thought, her eyes still haunted by the uneasiness from earlier. No, Anders corrected himself as he kept an eye on her, not uneasiness. Outright fear. He was truly worried about what was going on between the elder Hawke twins, but as he watched Cassia and Cullen interact, something else caught his attention.

Up until this point, Cassia’s magic had been nothing but controlled, calm. Not even in her agitated state earlier, when she had stormed towards them, ice magic swirling closely around her fists, there had been anything stray or uncontrolled about it. Now, however, after she kissed Cullen when he gave her a cup of coffee — just a short touch of their lips — Anders could nearly physically feel the small tremors going through the Fade just beyond the edge of his consciousness. From the way Cassia closed her hand more tightly around the hot mug, she felt it too, and he saw her taking a deep breath, closing her eyes for a second as she tried to rein it in. Little sparks of stray magic flittered towards him, and Anders could barely keep himself from frowning.

Where did that suddenly come from?

Before he could follow the thought to its end, though, the sound of an opening door could be heard. Adriene was back.

“Did you seriously just break into my house?” Cullen asked incredulously as she walked back into the living room. Adriene just scoffed.

“Psht, please. That’s barely worth calling a lock. Besides, it’s not breaking in when you’re expected, is it?”

She flashed him a grin and pulled up a chair to sit down next to Anders who looked very much on edge, helping herself to a cup of coffee. Despite her easygoing attitude, she was anything but calm and avoided looking at Cassia who sat quietly next to Cullen. “So, what’s our next move?” she said. “Did you come any further with those names I gave you?”

Right to the point, it seemed. Cullen hadn’t really expected anything else from her if he was honest.

“Yes and no,” he said, putting his cup down. It was only with a hefty dose of detachment that he was able to think back to the report she had given him. The accusations in it were even more horrific than what he had already collected. 

“Yes in the way that I found some more connections when combining what you found out with my notes,” he explained further. “And no in the way that the one that you have found standing out, Ser Alrik, seems to have a partner. Maybe even more than one?” He briefly closed his eyes, taking a calming breath. “I am pretty sure there must be another Knight-Lieutenant involved. At least. But I have no indication of who it might be.” 

Anders was narrowing his eyes. “Not even a suspicion? No idea who among your people would…”

There was a dreadful look on Cullen’s face as he shook his head. “Oh, I have suspicions who it could be among the Lieutenants, based on what I know from some of them,” he said, his voice sounding a bit harsher than before. “So far I have narrowed it down to about half of them…”

Cassia had listened quietly so far, still busy with carefully chewing the rest of her breakfast as not to upset her stomach even more, but at Cullen’s words, she drew in a sharp breath. 

“Maker,” she whispered, “Is this really so much worse than I thought…?” She shook her head in disbelief. “I know the Knight-Commander doesn’t want to go after her own, but with something like this how can she justify not doing anything?”

“I tried to get her to pursue this,” Cullen assured her, “several times. She called it ‘a victimless crime’...” 

Cassia swallowed, not quite sure how to react to that level of callousness when Cullen said something else.

“I can’t try and befriend Ser Alrik to find out more. I thought about that before, but it seems he is not really inclined to like me after I got put in front of him into a position he himself seemed to have been eyeing.” He shuddered slightly at the thought. From what he had heard about the man so far, he probably would have had his distaste shown on his face the entire time anyway. “Additionally, there is a rumor going around that is even more worrisome than anything I’ve seen so far.”

“A rumor?” Adriene interjected. “What sort of rumor?” 

“I have nothing really substantial, but according to one of my more trustworthy Lieutenants, there have been talks in the barracks that Alrik has filed a report, but not to his superiors, namely me and the Knight-Commander, but to the Divine herself.” He didn’t know much more about the whole thing so far, nothing than that it had been a lengthy request. And a name. 

“I think she told me it was called something like a solution for Tranquility? But I have no idea so far what exactly it is about.”

Adriene’s cup clattered onto the table as it slipped from her hands, splattering the last bits of coffee over the wooden surface. “He wrote to the Divine about it?!” she sputtered, not even caring about the mess she had caused. Shock was plainly written on her face, but her question nearly got lost beneath Anders’ forceful curse.

“Damn that man to the Void and back,” Anders spat at the end before he suddenly got up, walking a few steps and turned away from them, his fingers curled so tightly into a fist that he drew blood. Taking deep breaths, he willed Justice back down with an effort. Behind him, he could hear Adriene say, “They won't listen to him, they can't!”

“It seems you know more about it than I do,” Cullen said slowly. Anders turned around, giving the Knight-Captain a close look from narrowed eyes. But his face held no falseness, and Anders could feel Justice’s hold loosen. Both Cullen and Cassia seemed concerned by their forceful reactions, the stray wisps of magic around Cassia getting stronger as she looked at them with wide eyes.

“We do,” Adriene confirmed in a tight voice, looking at Anders. “Or, at least insofar as that we know what this solution is supposed to do. Alrik spoke about it with one of his victims that we…” She trailed off, unwilling to confess to having smuggled a mage from the Gallows and into freedom.

“It’s not a solution to Tranquility,” Anders explained in a clipped tone before anyone could ask. His voice held that quality that spoke of Justice’s proximity, but it wasn’t to be helped now. “It’s The Tranquil solution. He wants to cure the world of magic by making every mage tranquil.”

Cassia’s mouth fell open in shock. She could feel how tense Cullen got next to her at Anders’ words as she tried to wrap her mind around this. How could anyone, even a templar, not only come up with such an idea but actually think to petition the Divine about it?

“That is complete madness,” Cullen mumbled next to her. He stared ahead for a moment, obviously in thought. “Nothing about this has passed my desk, but given how he thinks of me that doesn’t surprise me.” There was a sudden restlessness in his voice as he continued, “I need to talk to the Knight-Commander. I need to find out if he went through her, if she supports this.” 

Cassia felt a cold terror inside her at the thought. A lone templar making a request towards the Divine would not hold much weight. Supported by someone as influential as Meredith though… 

“You think she is actually supporting this?” she asked quietly. When Cullen looked at her, there was an almost pained expression on his face.

“I want to say not even she would support something as outrageous as this but…” There was a hint of resignation in his voice. “But I can’t be certain. Because if she did, then…” He didn’t need to finish the sentence. Everyone in the small living room had a pretty good idea of where it was going to go.

Cassia flinched. This time, the cold feeling didn’t come from inside of her but from her frozen hands again. With a wince, she looked down to where she had curled her fingers into the fabric of the shirt she was wearing. She already had to put down her coffee after she had slowly turned it into a cold beverage despite her best tries to rein in her magic. 

Cullen’s eyes had followed hers, and without hesitation, he took her hands into his, trying to give her as much warmth as he could.

“I guess this morning counts as extreme emotions?” he asked quietly and Cassia couldn’t help but sigh in frustration.

“I was fine most of the morning, it has only been worse for the last half hour or so.” 

She could see his eyebrows rise up. “You weren’t kidding when you said it feels random…”

The sound of a throat being cleared loudly made both of them look up. Both Adriene and Anders were looking at them, but where Anders looked almost curious Adriene’s eyes had narrowed again.

“So you’re not only fine with hiding an apostate in your home, but you are not bothered by the uncontrolled magic at all?” she said sharply, and Cassia flinched again at just how harsh her sister sounded. When she looked up at her, it was something else that took her attention though. The clear look of worry and distrust she could still see in Adriene’s eyes. This wasn’t her sister calling Cullen out for some sort of hypocrisy or to antagonize him. This was Adriene still not believing he wouldn’t turn on her any moment now.

“It’s a valid question,” Anders added, still watching her hands almost curiously. “It is one thing to not arrest her for love, but I share Adriene’s worry. I find it hard to believe that a templar, any templar really, can easily be fine with this.”

There was a clear challenge to Anders’ words, and Cassia had to admit that the question wasn’t entirely unwarranted. It was something she herself had wondered already, but she had been all too happy not to question him any further when he had shown her he didn’t mind. When she had for once been with someone who hadn’t told her to just be better. She could see that Cullen wasn’t keen on answering anything and she squeezed his hand.

“They are not wrong to ask,” she added her own thoughts in a quiet voice. “I mean, you have seen how much worse it can actually get,” she pointed out. When Adriene suddenly looked even more worried, Cassia felt herself flush in embarrassment. She wanted an answer, but explaining to her sister what had happened wasn’t really something she wanted to do.

“I shot icicles from my hand,” she said simply, hoping it would be enough of an explanation. Both Anders and Adriene gasped but Cullen shook his head.

“It really wasn’t that bad,” he argued.

Cassia scoffed in disbelief. “I am pretty sure I basically destroyed that bedside table. It looked pretty bad this morning!”

Cullen just shrugged as if it weren’t a big deal. “We’ll just get a new one,” he said dismissively.

“Icicles?” Adriene just asked, sounding equal parts worried and full of disbelief now. “That only brings me back to my original question,” she insisted.

For a moment, Cullen looked at her, saying nothing at all. But Adriene’s gaze didn’t falter one bit, and Cassia could see the tension in his jaw as he started speaking in a clipped voice.

“Finding out about this made me more certain that I could absolutely never arrest her,” he said slowly, “not the other way around.” 

Cassia tilted her head in confusion, and from the corner of her eyes saw that Adriene did the same.

“What do you mean?” she asked. Next to her, Cullen tensed even more.

“If I took you into the Circle with this?” He held up her still slightly icy hands, his voice carrying a strange tension with it. “No one would ask how, or why, or if it might be temporary due to your pregnancy. _No one_.” 

“I don’t understand...” Cassia’s voice was quiet, almost drowned out by the sharp breath Anders drew in. Cullen let out an almost angry sigh before he spoke again.

“If I arrest a mage that seems out of control…” he paused, emphasizing his point. “There is really only one thing that is going to happen.”

All of a sudden, Cassia understood what he meant. Of course. It had been downright stupid of her to not even think about this with how her magic was acting. Not here. Not in Kirkwall. 

“They would make her tranquil…” Adriene breathed out in a pained voice.

“No, not _‘they’,_ ” Cullen snapped. “Me! _I_ would have to make her tranquil.” He drew in a deep breath through his teeth, something on his face twitching at the thought. “I would have to suggest it and I would have to _insist_ on it. You all know how this works. How the Knight-Commander expects her Circle to work…” 

“They wouldn’t. Not with her pregnancy!” Anders exclaimed, but Cullen’s silence weighed heavier and sounded more horrible than any answer he could have given.

Adriene didn’t move. For a long moment, she just stared at Cullen, her thoughts racing down a familiar and dark path. She knew he was right. Her eyes flickered over to Cassia who looked completely shocked, her hands closed tightly around Cullen’s, and for a second, she could see the sunburst symbol branded on her forehead, her eyes dead and emotionless.

A deadly pain shot through her at the image. Only too well did she remember Karl and what it had done to Anders to see him like that. Maybe it would be better to kill Cullen after all, remove the outsider who knew. The templar who only had to slip up once, who might change his mind… She could hear the lesson that had been ingrained in her for so long: a templar is an enemy first, a person second. And hadn’t Kirkwall’s Circle proven this to be true over and over again?

She drew in a shuddering breath and closed her eyes for a moment, clenching her hands before she could reach for her weapons. _He is not a random templar. She loves him,_ she could hear Fenris’ voice again. _What if you don’t have to?_ And he was right, Cullen and Cassia were in love, very much so. Cullen had shown that he protected her… despite the uncontrolled magic, despite the lying.

But could she trust him to keep that promise?

When she opened her eyes again, she found Cullen looking at Cassia, a pained and determined expression on his face. Still, he held her hand, rubbing it where she could see the ice crystals form over and over again, and Adriene’s heart clenched. This was a gesture she only knew too well… from herself. It was the same thing she did when Cassia’s magic acted up, keeping her calm and trying to bring warmth back into her fingers. And suddenly, she knew that she couldn’t do it.

She couldn’t kill him.

A mix of fear and relief washed through her at the decision, and something of the tension that had kept her in its grips until now evaporated. She let out a breath. 

It seemed like Cassia found the one templar who was a person first.


	27. Sins of the Past

The day did not slow down at all and the slight disconnect from just how surreal everything felt stayed with Cassia throughout everything. The harsh things that were said, finding out things she hadn’t known about Cullen, the fear of Adriene suddenly having stood at his door, and the absolute madness that was the four of them sitting around a small living room table like they were old friends were enough to make her question her sanity more than once. Even more so when after the initial tensions, the talk turned more towards an actual discussion. She watched, fascinated how at some point, Cullen and Adriene were talking, sounding almost completely normal. There no longer was a threat in every sentence her sister said, and Cullen was visibly less guarded. Anders held himself back somewhat more, and Cassia had a good idea why. She had heard the hints of Justice in his voice earlier on and she could only imagine how utterly surreal the whole situation had to feel to him of all people. But he was still here, still listening, now and then saying his piece, and that had to mean something, right? Their long talk didn’t actually solve any problems, but when it ended, it felt like something had been achieved nonetheless. Like maybe they had managed to lay the groundwork for something different. Something new.

The day kept up being full of things that threw Cassia slightly off guard. There was no time like the present, they decided, and in the afternoon, she found herself sitting in her home, Cullen right next to her as they carefully told her mother. It was only the three of them. Adriene had left earlier with a shake of her head.

“You are going to tell Mom, and I am making sure I’m at the other end of the city for that. I’m not taking the heat for this one…” Adriene had said with her usual cheerful grin, making it sound like she had just made a grand joke. But Cassia could see behind her sister’s carefree face that there was some truth to that statement.

She didn’t begrudge her for this. It was what Cassia had always insisted on wanting after all. To make her own choices and to not have someone else take the heat or the responsibility from her. In a way, it was more than fitting to leave Adriene out of this, to keep her as far away as possible from her mother’s potential wrath.

That it wasn’t as bad as Cassia had anticipated threw her off once more when Leandra went from almost panicked to weary to slightly sympathetic over the course of the hour they talked to her. By the end of it, she shook her head in disbelief.

“You know, my parents told me I was making a mistake I would come to regret when I wanted to marry your father. That I was in for a life full of hardships and sorrow,” she said softly, looking at Cassia. “And though they were not wrong about the latter part, they were about the first. I never regretted it, not even for a minute.”

She was looking at both of them for a while before focussing on Cullen. “I can only hope you will do everything you can to keep her safe, to make sure she, too, never has to face any regrets.”

“Absolutely!” Cullen’s answer was unwavering.

It made Leandra let out a sigh. “Then who am I to stand in the way of that…”

Cassia was stunned into silence for a moment, barely believing that what she had worried about had turned out to be not nearly as bad as she had imagined. On the contrary. But of course her mother wasn’t done, and it had been almost naive of Cassia to think so - even for a moment.

“I expect you to get married before the baby comes, I hope you are aware of that,” Leandra added, sounding a bit more stern again. When Cassia started sputtering, her mother shook her head vigorously.

“Don’t give me that look, Cassia! Your child has a father, he is here and willing to marry you — there is absolutely no reason for the poor child to be born out of wedlock!”

Cassia was still thinking of something to reply when Cullen took her hand with a reassuring squeeze.

“We will find a way to plan this as quickly as possible,” he assured her mother without any hesitation, and the smile on Leandra’s face was genuine at that.

Not much later, Cassia said goodbye to Cullen before he hurried to get to the Gallows, having to catch up on all the work he had ignored for this rather unexpected and largely unplanned day. When Cassia went up to her room, it was already dark outside again, and again, the feeling of surrealness returned. Only twenty-four hours ago, she had left her room behind, ready to meet up with Cullen, almost bursting from nervousness. Just how much had happened since then…

At the top of the stairs, she suddenly stopped as she came face to face with Adriene.

Adriene froze as she saw Cassia. Quietly, she closed the door to her room behind herself, her relief that it was not her mother who had come for another lecture short-lived at the sight of her sister.

Ever since this morning, there had been something between them, something tense and dark and unspoken. But then, that wasn’t quite true, was it? If she was honest, it had been there since she had learned about Cullen. A sort of distant carefulness in Cassia’s behavior towards her, as if she was constantly worried and watching her. Adriene had attributed it to the fact that the secret was out now, but after what had happened this morning, she felt like there was more behind it. Even more so since Anders had asked her why Cassia was terrified of her killing Cullen. ‘Because I would have if it had become necessary,’ was the only answer she had been able to give him, before she had quickly changed the topic.

“Cassia,” she said, trying a smile. “I was just on my way to the Hanged Man. One lecture by Mom is quite enough for the day. But she tells me you’re marrying soon, so… congratulations. I am happy for you.”

Her sister gave her a wary look, drawing her eyebrows together as if her words surprised her. “Are you?” she asked.

Adriene frowned. “It’s what you always wanted, isn’t it? Why wouldn’t I be happy for you?”

There was something hesitant in Cassia’s voice, as if she instinctively drew back from Adriene. It took her a moment to answer, then she raised her chin and said, “Because so far, people that I've been interested in have had the unfortunate tendency to die... I wasn't sure I'd be ever allowed to.”

“What are you even—” Adriene started with narrowed eyes, only to interrupt herself when she caught sight of Sandal who stood in the middle of the room downstairs, looking up at them with curious eyes. She took a deep breath, then she nodded towards Cassia’s room. “Let’s go to your room, so you can sit down, shall we? Anders would have my head if I keep you standing in the middle of the stairs.”

She waited until Cassia nodded with a sigh, then they went into her twin’s room, where Cassia heavily sat down in an armchair, one hand carefully stroking her belly. For a moment, Adriene wasn’t sure if they should even have this conversation now, but before she could say anything, Cassia looked up at her again.

“Come on, Adriene, you know exactly who I’m talking about,” she took the conversation up again, her voice lined with tiredness.

Adriene felt a cold shower run down her back, and her voice was toneless as she said, “You mean Jeremy.”

“Yes! Jeremy.” The agitation in Cassia didn’t linger, replaced by an old sadness. “The one you killed because he wanted to tell the templars about me.”

Adriene couldn’t do much more than stare at her as she remembered that first time nearly ten years ago that she really feared for her family.

* * *

“Jeremy, wait!”

Cassia’s desperate call made Adriene look up from where she was helping Leandra with the gardening. Just a second later, Cassia ran over to them, her hands glittering. “He accompanied me home. I slipped,” she said, horror and shock in her voice, “he knows!”

Adriene didn’t even think about what to do, ignoring Leandra’s shocked gasp. “I’ll take care of it,” she called over to them as she raced after Jeremy. The boy was seventeen, barely older than them, and he had been flirting with Cassia in a sweet, shy way for a few months now. He was a farmer’s son, sturdy and good-hearted, and had helped around the house now and then. He was good with his hands and had repaired the fence around their little garden to keep the deer out. In secret, nightly whispers, Cassia had told Adriene how she hoped that maybe, just maybe, he could find it in his heart to like her so much that she might even tell him… one day. Not now, of course, but maybe one day. And maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t mind.

She knew that Cassia would never have told him deliberately, but here they were. And if he bolted immediately, he probably did mind.

Her thoughts raced. What was she to do?

But first things first. And first, she had to catch up with him.

She ran even faster, her heart beating hard in her chest. Her daily, hard training paid off, it seemed, because she caught up with him before he was even halfway to the village. The way led through a small part of the forest here, along the paved road that the merchants used to get to Lothering and on to Ostagar. But there were no carts on the road right now.

“Jeremy!” she called, and he stopped, turning around to her.

“Don’t come closer!” he yelled back. “Are you one, too? Huh? Stay away!”

Adriene stopped, her hands inching towards the knife she always carried at the belt. He looked scared, but she didn’t feel much better. What should she do? She knew him, she _liked_ him, but she also knew that her father expected her to do whatever was necessary to keep them safe. But then, every time he had spoken about this, it had been about faceless templars. It had always been a theoretical situation. Not… _this_. With an effort, she pushed these thoughts aside and shook her head. “I’m not a mage, Jeremy, calm down. Please!”

“No! I need to tell the templars!” he called back, taking a step back.

“And then what?” Adriene asked, a plea to her voice. He was no faceless, theoretical templar. “Then what? They’ll take her away, and why? She hasn’t done anything wrong!”

Jeremy hesitated for a second, and Adriene felt something like hope flicker through her. Maybe Cassia had been right, and he could be trusted after all. But she couldn’t let him go to the Chantry and tell on them. If the templars came, they would take them all. Bethany, Cassia, and Dad. She couldn’t risk it!

She took another step towards Jeremy, one hand on the hilt of her knife, the other one outstretched to him. “Please,” she said again.

But it was no use. His eyes flickered to her knife and darkened. “No,” he spat. “It’s against the Maker!”

“Jere-” Adriene started again, but he turned around and started to run again. “No. NO!” she called out, jumping forward as he turned, grabbing his shirt with one hand and drawing her weapon with the other.

“Let go!” Jeremy yelled, twisting and turning to get out of her grip, but she didn’t let go.

“Just listen!” she pleaded, and for a second, they struggled. But Jeremy was stronger than she, and with a forceful tug, he freed himself. Adriene lost her grip, and they both stumbled backwards.

She fell with a heavy thud on her back, landing in the middle of the road. Her head hit the pavement painfully, and she gasped, unable to breathe for a moment, but she struggled back to her feet in a second.

She needn’t have hurried.

Just a few feet from her, Jeremy lay motionless, his head turned away from her. Adriene still had her knife in her hand, her grip around it tightening as she carefully came closer. She had cut herself some time during the struggle or the fall, and the blade was bloody, the cut in her side a burning pain.

“Jeremy?” she asked slowly.

There was no answer, and now Adriene saw the growing pool of blood beneath him. “Jeremy?” His name was a whisper on her lips, her eyes wide. She felt strangely detached and her hands were cold as she took another step towards him. As she stepped around him, she saw the edge of the pavement where he had fallen. And now, she could see where the stone had split his head. He was still alive, his hands and lips twitching as the blood pulsed onto the ground, his eyes flickering to hers. But before she could do anything but clasp her hand to her mouth in horror, he let out a last breath and grew terribly still.

Malcolm found her standing over Jeremy’s body with a bloody knife not long after. He took charge of the situation immediately and showed her where to take the body, how to fill his pockets with stones and sink him in the swamp so he wouldn’t surface again. Adriene followed his instructions without a word, feeling numb inside. They walked back home in silence where he healed her wound while Cassia watched with a terribly pale face.

Adriene barely heard Malcolm’s praise as he talked about how she had done what was necessary to protect the family, how she had proven that she knew what to do, and how proud he was of her. Jeremy’s name didn’t come up even once. She just stared at her hands, nodding at the right moments. Then he lectured Cassia on the necessity of being in control, always.

When Cassia and Adriene went to bed that night, there was a silence between them that had never been there before. Adriene stared at the ceiling, flashes of Jeremy’s last moments before her eyes. If she could have, she would have screamed, but the sound got stuck in her throat. She had killed him. She had killed. Not with her weapons and not that she had wanted to, but that was a technicality that didn’t really matter. Not for Jeremy at least.

She probably should be grateful. Or at least indifferent. She had done what was necessary, she reminded herself, over and over again. But all she could see was that horrible twitch in his hands and face as he died.

Cassia’s voice was small and painful in the darkness. “Did you…” she started, only to trail off again.

Adriene closed her eyes. There was no need to burden her sister with the details. “He’s not going to talk. Can’t we leave it at that?” Then she turned to her side, with her back to her sister, pretending not to hear her quiet sobs.

* * *

Adriene blinked a few times, forcing herself back to the present. “I was… I didn’t… That was… I was just trying to keep you safe, Cassia,” she finally managed to say, but there was not much force behind her words.

“You know, in a way, I get that…” Cassia started, but it was hard to talk through the feeling of something being stuck in her throat all of a sudden. How was she supposed to explain to her sister how she was feeling about this? It barely even made sense to herself.

“Adriene, you were so angry with me when you found out about Cullen,” she said, thinking back to their talk a few days ago. “One of the first things you did was talk about how you should kill him…” The familiar feeling of dread wasn’t as bad anymore as it had been this morning after the long talk they had, but part of it was definitely still there.

“And then, this morning, you were somehow worried that _I_ would attack _you_...” It was something Cassia still couldn’t wrap her mind around. “You were the only one that was armed, and you were so ready for battle…” Her eyes were searching for Adriene’s. “You were thinking about it, weren’t you? You were there to kill him…”

Adriene blinked in surprise. Cassia sounded resigned and sad, but Adriene couldn’t help but get defensive as she said with a frown, “Wait, I was the only one who was armed? Cassia, you are _always_ armed!” She pointed towards her sister’s hands. “You have your weapons ready with a thought, you could blast me through that door with the blink of an eye! And I know how you fight, probably better than most people, I know what you can do with a gesture.” There was disbelief in her voice as she spoke. “You don’t even like to fight, and yet you were basically charging at me, your hands already full of ice.” She shook her head. “Can you really not understand how I came to think that you were ready to attack? And my weapons were not drawn, I wasn’t even wearing my armor, because that visit wasn’t exactly planned. How is that ready for battle?”

She let out a breath and paced through the room, a hand running through her hair in an attempt to get rid of some of her agitation. “Cassia, if I had wanted to kill Cullen, I would have come in the night, alone and armed. I would have found him on his way home from the Gallows to dispose of him in the harbor, not come knocking at his door in the middle of the morning.” She splayed out her hands in a helpless gesture as she turned back to her sister. “I was there because we couldn’t find you, nobody knew when you had left, and because you’re an apostate in Kirkwall whose magic keeps acting up. I was scared, and all I had to go on was Cullen’s calling card that I found here.”

_Always armed_ … Cassia felt as if someone grasped her heart with an ice-cold fist. It was one thing to hear in almost every single Chantry service how magic was inherently dangerous. It was a whole different feeling, though, to hear her sister saying pretty much the same. Cassia felt lost as she looked at Adriene again.

“I know you are just trying to protect me,” she started quietly, “but maybe it would be better if you stopped.”

A hollow laugh came from her sister. “Stopped? I can’t stop!” There was something raw in Adriene’s voice as she paused her pacing to look back at Cassia. “I can never stop! I promised!”

“Then maybe that’s a promise you should break,” Cassia said with a hollow voice. “Because it’s not worth it!”

Adriene’s look turned into an angry one. “Not worth it?” she said almost tonelessly. “How dare you…”

“It’s not worth it for me!” Cassia interrupted her, determination sparking through her. “You said it yourself, Adriene. I am always armed, right? The magic is always there, always a danger.” She could see that it wasn’t what Adriene was expecting to hear, but it didn’t stop her. “Have you ever stopped and thought that maybe, just maybe, the idea the Chantry had was the right one? That maybe people like me are a constant danger to everyone around us and they had the right idea in trying to lock me up and throw away the key?”

“Cassia!” Adriene looked at her, absolutely horrified. “You don’t mean that!”

“Don’t you see, Adriene?” Cassia implored her. “We lost our home because of me! Because of my magic! We had to leave everything behind and for what? For a life on the run or a life hidden away so deeply that it might as well be not a life at all?” She found that now that she had started, that she had for the first time voiced some of these thoughts out loud, she couldn’t really stop anymore.

“And if it’s not my magic itself that is the direct danger, then it’s the fact that I have to hide it. For more than ten years, I have done everything in my power to never let it show. To never get close to anyone.” She could feel tears welling up inside her and resolutely tried to blink them away. “You told me to go out more, to meet new people, have some fun and couldn't understand why I never did! I didn’t dare to because every person I would get involved with would be in danger. I would put them in danger because if they found out, you would have to take care of them…”

It wasn’t even an accusation anymore. It felt more like a fact of life, something inevitable. Adriene had stopped pacing, staring at her with a stricken look as Cassia continued.

“So I kept to myself, and I did my absolute best to not get close to anyone again because it was the only way you wouldn’t be forced to do this again. So tell me, Adriene, please, tell me, how is this worth it?” Despite her best efforts, tears started to cloud her view. “Tell me where there's even one single good aspect about magic, when it did nothing but make our life harder? When my magic is the thing that forced my sixteen-year-old sister to kill for me?”

“Magic didn’t turn me into a killer,” Adriene said quietly, wiping a hand over her eyes. Nothing that Cassia said was new to her, but she had never known just how much guilt her sister still carried with her. Her body felt heavy as she walked over to Cassia to kneel down next to her chair, grabbing her sister’s hand. “Cassia, it’s not your fault,” she said imploringly. There was a lot of truth to what Cassia had said, but that was the one main thing she was wrong about. “It’s not your fault,” she repeated, looking her deep into the eyes. “Nothing of what happened was. Ever. Magic didn’t make us flee, nor you. The Chantry did. Or the Circles, or the templars, however you want to put it. But not you, nor your magic.” She nodded along her words to give them more emphasis. “If there is one blameless person in all of this, it’s you, Cassia.”

She sank back onto her heels but didn’t let go of her sister’s hand. Her voice got very quiet, nearly soft as she spoke. “Yes, magic is dangerous. So are my knives. Or my fists. And despite your problems with control… you never killed anyone.” She had a small sad smile on her face as she shrugged helplessly. But as she spoke, there was only acceptance in her voice. “That was just me. If anything turned me into a killer, it was me. My choice, nobody else’s. I can’t even blame magic or loss of control or circumstance. I killed deliberately, I even killed the person I...” _…the person I loved._ She interrupted herself before the words came, her voice breaking over the old ache as she forced herself to finish the sentence. “I even killed people we all knew and liked. Like Darrek.”

For a second, she was thrown back to that horrible day when for the first and only time, a templar had found them. Except it hadn‘t been just any templar.

* * *

It was the bluish flash of light that alarmed Adriene that something was wrong. Malcolm had taken Cassia and Bethany to a nearby clearing for training, and Adriene had promised to stay close just in case.

It seemed it was a good thing that she had. She could hear the voices from the clearing as she hurried as quietly as possible through the thick of the bushes beneath the trees, drawing her weapons as she closed in. The templar had drawn his weapon as well, but he was completely fixated on the three mages before him, his back to her. He didn’t quite seem to know where to concentrate next — the young woman with the white hair readying her staff or the teenager with the fireball between her palms. Malcolm was on the ground, sweat on his pale face. He seemed to plead with the templar, but Adriene could see the armored man get ready again, probably to use a Holy Smite on her sisters, too.

A desperate, horrified feeling washed through her. She couldn’t let him do this! She had no time to think, no time to plan. This was it, this was what they had talked about, what she had trained for. The faceless templar in full regalia with his weapons pointing at the mages in her family. She needed to act, now! For a moment, she bounced on the balls of her feet, then she jumped towards him before her doubts could get the better of her, breaking out of the trees with a yell. Surprised, the templar swirled around, just like she had counted on. She ducked beneath the swing of his blade, then she drove her knives upwards, directly into the unprotected slit beneath his helmet, slashing his throat.

The blood sprayed into her face as he fell backward. There wasn’t any sound beyond a deep gurgle that died quickly, and the clamor of the armor as he fell to the ground.

“Adriene!” Cassia’s shocked outcry was chilling.

Adriene stood completely still as the full impact of her deed sank into her consciousness. What had she done?! She had just killed a person. She could feel the warm blood dripping from her face and quickly wiped her sleeve over it, to clean herself at least somewhat, horror swirling in her stomach, her breath shallow and panicked.

“Cassia, Bethany, get your staffs, we’re going home,” came Malcolm’s clipped voice. He slowly stood up, staggering as he steadied himself on his staff. “Well done, Adriene.”

“But Dad!” Bethany exclaimed, her voice trembling, full of tears. “That was Darrek!”

The words echoed through Adriene’s mind, and suddenly, every bit of warmth seeped out of her body. For a horrible second, she thought she’d faint or vomit, but then she only knelt down without saying a word, and carefully removed the dead templar’s helmet. His dead eyes had a faintly surprised and horrified look in them, and Adriene’s fingers closed tightly around the helmet in her hands as she stared at his face. Darrek.

Malcolm seemed unbothered. “I know, Bethany.” He walked over to where Adriene knelt next to the body, laying a hand on her shoulder. "I know you were friends,” he said to her.

She couldn’t do anything but nod silently.

Darrek with the bright smile and the dark eyes, whom she had befriended because he had smiled at Cassia nearly five years ago, to get him away from her sister. Darrek who had turned out to be a kind and funny person, devout and friendly. Darrek who had trained with her when he learned about her affinity to knives and taught her more than anyone else. Darrek who had cheered even more than she when she had managed to hit the bull’s eye with her knives for the first time, who had laughed her desperate apologies away when she accidentally hurt him during training. Who kept whispering inappropriate things to her during services in the Chantry to make her giggle. Who had brought their mother flowers, and Bethany cookies, and Cassia her first lute (“I don’t have the time to play anyway”), who joked with Carver, and who had kissed her behind the Chantry not six months ago. Darrek who had tasted like happiness, who had promised to find some way to make it work when she had come to her senses and tried to talk her way out of it. She had believed him, had wanted to believe him. In warm nights, when they had both stolen out of their rooms to meet, they had planned for a future together that Adriene knew would never come to pass. And yet, when she lay in his arms and kissed his smile, she could dream for him. With him.

And now he lay dead before her. Dead by her hands.

Malcolm’s voice wormed its way into her mind as she stared down on the blood-spattered templar armor, her heart cold and screaming, shattered beyond repair. “They are your friend until suddenly they aren't anymore, and the moment they know about the magic, nothing else counts," he said. “You saw it yourselves, girls. He knew us, and yet he did not even hesitate to use a Holy Smite on us. Templars are enemies first, and people second, remember that! Say it!”

Automatically, Adriene repeated in a toneless voice, “Enemies first, people second.”

His hand on her shoulder tightened. “Take care of the body like I showed you. I’ll get Bethany and Cassia home, then I’ll come to help you.”

Adriene just nodded again. She was unable to speak and stayed silent and unmoving where she was while her father took her sisters away. This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t. But the blood on her face and hands, the gaping wound in his neck, his unseeing eyes and the cold lips that would never smile at her again, would never kiss her again, would never whisper his love against her skin told a different story.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered with a broken voice when she finally could move again, leaning forward to put her forehead against his, her tears falling onto his cheeks, a scream stuck in her shattered heart. But this time, he could not laugh her apologies away.

As she watched him disappear into the muddy waters of the swamp, her tears had dried again. She knew she had crossed a line she could never uncross again. But it was for her family, she told herself over and over again. It had been necessary.

* * *

It was an ache, a guilt that would never quite leave her. And it wasn’t made better by the knowledge that she hadn’t known it was him or that she might have saved her family by it. She had killed first, then stopped to think. If there was a monster in this room, it was her. Not her mage sister. No matter what the Chantry said.

She shrugged slightly and with tears prickling at her eyes, but her voice was steady as she said, “If there is anyone who should be put away behind bars and the key be thrown away, it’s me.”

“No, Adriene, that’s not…” Cassia started, but Adriene shook her head, interrupting her in a hoarse voice.

“Yes it is, Cassia, and you know it. Between the two of us, I am the killer. I am the monster. And I’m sorry, I am so sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t… connect to people.” She took a deep breath, swallowing the threatening tears down until she was certain that her eyes were dry again. “Because I never killed someone close to you, I swear.”

Cassia’s eyes widened. She looked like she didn’t know what to believe. “But…”

“I didn’t kill Jeremy,” she said softly. “Not deliberately at least. I tried to make him listen, but he pushed me away and… he fell. Split his head on a stone of the road. It was an accident. I didn’t want to kill him. And I wasn’t going to kill Cullen either.” Adriene took a shuddering breath. “I thought about it, of course I did. But I couldn’t bring myself to even try, and now… well. It looks like you found the one templar who is a person first.” Her hands closed more tightly around Cassia’s. “So I mean it when I say I’m happy for you, alright? Because it’s not your fault, and you deserve it.”

_Adriene hadn’t killed Jeremy…_ Cassia closed her eyes for a moment, breathing deeply as the words sank into her. A sob left her mouth as she thought back to that night. How she had lain in bed, so desperately wanting answers.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispered. Without thought, she pulled her hands out of Adriene’s grasp, only to hold on to her sister’s shoulders.

“Why didn’t you _tell_ me?” she repeated a bit louder. “I _asked_ you what happened and you made it seem…”

She couldn’t talk any further, not with the enormous wave of grief threatening to break over her as she realized that it had been that particular moment more than anything else that had frightened her so much she had started to pull away.

“I couldn’t!” Adriene sounded as helpless as Cassia felt. “I… couldn’t. It was so gruesome to watch, I just wanted to put it behind me. And I saw how devastated you were when he found out, how afraid. I didn’t want to burden you even more. I thought if you knew the details it would only add to that…”

Cassia felt her heart almost break under the words. “And so I became afraid of you instead,” she said miserably. “I was so worried, and you wouldn’t tell me anything, and then the way Dad spoke about it… it made me pull away from you. Ask for more training with Dad, things that kept me out of the house most of the time...” She had to close her eyes again for a moment, trying desperately to not let herself be overwhelmed. When she opened her eyes again, she found Adriene’s eyes as she muttered in a quiet whisper, “I think in a way we both got broken by that day…”

For a moment, it was eerily quiet between them. Despite Adriene’s words, despite her insistence earlier, Cassia couldn’t quite believe all her sister had said. About her not actually murdering someone? That was something Cassia was only all too ready to believe. But everything her sister had said about her magic… It was the same thing Bethany kept saying. The same thing their father had said. And it sounded as untrue as it had ever done before. No. Cassia knew the truth. Knew just how careful she would have to be for her entire life. Despite Cullen now knowing, despite him not minding even.

With a cold feeling down her spine, she thought back to that fateful night in the woods. About the demon lying dead at her feet, blood splattered everywhere from the wounds her ice had caused. Adriene was wrong when she said Cassia had never killed anyone. It hadn’t been a human. It had even been a creature everyone would deem justified killing, but it didn’t matter. Not to her. It had shown her clearly just how destructive she could be if she ever lost control. And that wasn’t the fault of the Chantry, or the templars or any Circle. That was solely on her.

But this wasn’t something Adriene could help her with. Looking at her now had Cassia feel so much more sadness for her sister’s situation than she could ever have imagined. She had only done what was asked of her, and from her words, it weighed as much on her as Cassia’s own issues did on herself.

“You are not a monster that should be locked up, Adriene,” she added equally as quiet. “Everything you ever did was for someone else, for me, for Bethany, for Dad…” She sighed, blinking some of her tears away. “It’s not fair that you had to do all this, and nobody gets to condemn you for it!”

_Nobody but myself and whoever will judge me at the end of my life_ , Adriene thought, but she didn’t say it out loud. And in the end, the reason for her deeds wouldn’t matter. She had long accepted that someone had to pay the price of innocence with blood for her family’s safety. And she’d rather it be her than one of the people she loved.

“No, it’s not fair,” she said softly. “But as long as the world is what it is, someone has to be the monster.”

Their father had known it, too. Over the years, he had told her of the things he had seen in the Circle, and of the things he had done to get free of them. And in the end, there had been no other choice for her than to promise him to take care of them all.

* * *

The coughing was the worst. Or was it the agony in his face?

Adriene wasn‘t sure, but in the end, it didn‘t matter. She hovered at the edge of the room, together with Carver, while Leandra, Bethany, and Cassia did their best to ease Malcolm’s passing. Or work a wonder. At this point, she no longer knew.

They all knew he was dying. The sickness had spread to his lungs a week ago, and he had deteriorated quickly. For the last two days, he had been more unconscious than lucid, and the grief had already carved deep lines into her mother’s face.

When night fell and the house grew silent, Adriene and Carver had fled outside, losing themselves in the familiar movements of training, in the sweat and grunts and singing of blades through the air. Adriene had started to train Carver two years ago, once it became clear that he, like her, didn’t have magic. And he desperately craved for something to distinguish him, so she taught him as well as she could. Even when it became clear that he was better with a sword, lacking the agility necessary for a double wield style, they trained together. She kept him away from anything but training, though.

There hadn’t been any more incidents since Darrek where it had become necessary for Adriene to defend them, but she knew she had to be ever watchful. And so she took to more smiles and humor and seduction to get the information they needed before anyone could come too close. To her eternal gratitude, nobody seemed to have become suspicious. There were search parties for Darrek, of course, as there had been for Jeremy, but they were at the edge of the Korcari Wilds, after all, with its swamps and predators and the Witch. Accidents happened.

Carver didn’t understand why she never let him handle any of it, of course. How could he? He didn’t have the blood of a beloved person on his hands. And if it was up to Adriene, he never would. If that meant dealing with his sullenness, so be it. At sixteen, he was still young, he could still grow up to be a normal person.

She was still throwing knives, sinking one after the other into the bull’s eye, when Bethany appeared in the doorway.

“Adriene?” she called out to her. Both Adriene and Carver paused, looking towards her. “Dad is asking for you.”

Adriene let her hands sink, then she nodded and slowly came towards her. Bethany was pale, her eyes red-rimmed. There was a question in Adriene’s eyes as she looked at her sister, and Bethany’s lip started to quiver. “Not long now,” she whispered, suppressing a sob. Without a word, Adriene drew her into her arms. “It’ll be alright,” she murmured, pressing a kiss onto her hair, then she let go again and walked inside. Behind her, Carver had come to his twin’s side, their hands intertwining without words.

Malcolm’s breathing was labored, and there was a sickly pallor to his skin. His eyes were closed as Adriene came in and quietly sat down next to him. Carefully, she took his hand, but he didn’t react immediately.

“Dad?” she eventually asked, her voice barely more than a whisper. She felt tears threatening, and quickly cleared her throat not to let them spill over.

Slowly, his eyes opened, and the ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. “Adriene.” His fingers closed a bit more tightly around hers, but there was nothing left of the strength he had once possessed. “I’m… so proud of you,” he murmured, searching her eyes. “And I am so sorry.”

The world swam, and she quickly blinked to get it back into focus. “Sorry for what, Dad?”

“All… of it.” Another deep, rattling breath. “I just wanted… you all to have a life. Free from… the Circle.”

Adriene nodded. She could no longer keep the tears at bay, letting them run freely, a sob in her voice. “I know, Dad. It’s alright. You did good.” She forced a smile onto her face, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. It was damp and hot, burning from fever.

He looked up at her with desperation in his eyes. “Promise me, Adriene, promise me to... take care of them. They are... your responsibility now.” His voice broke over another coughing fit, the cloth pressed to his mouth coming away speckled with blood. As he continued, it was with barely anything more than a wheeze. “You must protect them. Swear it!”

Adriene just nodded, pushing the dread and pain deep down, her voice reassuring as she said, “Of course I will, Dad. You know I will. I’ll take care of them. I’ll keep them safe. With whatever is necessary.”

There was relief in his eyes as he looked up at her, and she felt his fingers squeeze hers. “You promise?” he asked weakly, and she smiled at him as she nodded again.

“I promise.”

* * *

Adriene took a deep breath, chasing the shadows of the past away, then she smiled at Cassia. “Listen, Cassia, whatever happened, you have a chance at something better now.” She carefully touched her swollen belly, her eyes softening despite the hurt inside her. “I can’t just stop worrying about you. You’re my sister, and I love you. But I swear to you, you don’t have anything to fear from me. Neither has Cullen as long as he protects you.”

Her heart clenched painfully, but the smile was unwavering as she reassured Cassia, “All I ever wanted for you was a chance at happiness. I’d never jeopardize that, please believe me.”

Something in Adriene’s voice made Cassia’s heart heavy, despite her calming words.

“Thank you,” she said regardless, her voice quiet and calm by now. “Seriously, Adriene, thank you! For everything you did for me, for your protection, for watching out for me… Thank you!”

She reached out, gently wiping a last stray tear from her sister’s face.

“I know you can’t just stop worrying. I’m not expecting you to, you know?” She tried to sound lighter but it was of no use. “But I can’t help but think who is going to worry about you?” Adriene was immediately getting ready to object. Probably about to tell her how she didn’t need anyone to worry about her. As if Cassia would believe that for even one second.

“I know what you are going to say,” she stopped her sister from even starting. “I know things are hard for you. And I know you, Adriene! You have a tendency of not sharing your burdens with anyone…” Most times when Cassia had been able to comfort her sister, it had been after Cassia had approached her. After she herself had noticed that something was wrong with her sister.

“In a short while, I won’t be constantly around anymore, I won’t be able to pick up on the small things that give you away sometimes,” she told her sister with a sad smile. For the first time in these past days, Cassia was acutely aware that her life would change drastically. That she would leave her home and start something new. Without her sister… For the first time since they had been born, they would no longer live under the same roof. “And it’s not like you ever come to me for help on your own, so _I am_ worried about you!”

Adriene just shook her head with a smile. “Don’t be,” she said, leaning up to give her sister a kiss on the forehead. She had no idea what she would do once Cassia was gone to live a life with a family. She hadn’t planned that far ahead, and there was a part of her that was scared beyond saying. But that was not something she needed to burden Cassia with. Not now. Not with everything that had happened, that would still happen. Before she looked at Cassia again, she made sure that the smile was still there.

“I’ll still have Bethany, and Mom, and all the others. It’s not like I’m suddenly alone here or as if you’re leaving the city. And if it eases your worry, we can find a regular date once the baby is here, and you and Cullen have settled down, and I’ll come to bother you for dinner or something.”

“You will certainly never be a bother,” Cassia said, managing to sound a little less unsettled at least.

Adriene sent her wink. “Just you wait, you know me, I’ll find a way.”

Cassia couldn’t help but laugh through the remaining tears. Of course Adriene would try and turn it into a joke. Then again, maybe her sister had a point. Maybe laughter was the easiest way to deal with the complex set of emotions that still whirled through her after this conversation.

Adriene grinned as she saw Cassia laugh, then she squeezed her hands again and got up. “You should probably rest. Today was exhausting even for me and I don’t have the added baby bump to carry around.”

With a sigh, Cassia nodded. “I am tired,” she confessed.

“Will you be alright?” Adriene asked.

“I think so,” her sister answered, “what about you?”

A shrug that turned into a nod was her answer. “You know me. Of course I will. I always am.”

“I mean it,” Cassia said with emphasis, and Adriene smiled.

“I know. So did I.”

They shared another smile, then Adriene said goodnight and left her sister to rest. As she went down the stairs to grab her coat, Adriene knew that not all was perfect. But as exhausting as today had been, it didn’t feel hopeless. And that had to count for something.


	28. Sing me a Song

Fenris could hear the laughter and drunk singing from the market place already. The door to the Hanged Man stood open, music and light spilling out into the night. For a second, he hesitated, unsure whether he really wanted to go in, but then a familiar, cheerful voice raised itself over the ruckus.

“Corff, we need more beer!”

That was unmistakably Adriene, and before he could think better of it, Fenris went inside.

He could see immediately that most people inside were already on the far side of being drunk, and while he was watching, Corff brought another barrel of beer to one of the long tables. In one end of the tavern, Varric sat surrounded by an enthusiastic little crowd, telling and collecting stories and jokes, in another corner, a haphazard band had formed, playing on several instruments with more enthusiasm than skill. But the lack of mastery didn’t keep the patrons from dancing and singing along. It took him a moment to find Adriene. She was cheering alongside several other unfamiliar people as Corff set the barrel onto the table, immediately filling her tankard to the brim before she sauntered through the crowd towards the music. The way she swayed slightly, spilling half her drink on the way as she stumbled against someone else told him that she was already pretty drunk, and a slight frown formed on his face.

He couldn’t remember ever seeing her so inebriated. Tipsy, yes, even drunk, but never so much that she couldn’t walk straight.

Thankfully, the man she had stumbled against was just as drunk and after a slight pause, they just laughed and downed the rest of their respective drinks. Just a moment later, they both threw themselves into the thick of the little dance floor that had formed before the band, jeering and laughing as they joined the dance. A merry tune had been struck, and half of the tavern sang along.

Fenris didn’t recognize the song, but since he knew neither songs from Ferelden nor from the Free Marches, that did not surprise him. The mix of Fereldens and Marchers in Lowtown made for a strange musical combination, but he seemed to be one of the few unfamiliar with it. Adriene, however, clearly knew it, so he supposed it was a Ferelden one. Her hair was loose, plastered over her forehead and bouncing around her shoulders and down her back as she swirled around her dance partner. There was something feverish in her eyes as she laughed and sang.

“What is going on?” he mumbled, more to himself than directed at anyone, but there still came an answer.

“I have no idea,” Anders said, and Fenris quickly turned around, immediately on the defensive. 

The mage was leaning against the wall next to the door, a similar frown on his face that Fenris had, too. He gave him an acknowledging nod, and Fenris relaxed. 

“She came in a few hours ago, immediately threw Corff a bag of gold and declared free rounds for everyone for the whole night,” Anders told Fenris. “They’ve been celebrating her ever since, of course, with more and more people coming. She’s been drinking that long, too.”

Fenris’ frown deepened. “Is there an occasion that we missed?”

A strange look came on Anders’ face, a strained note to his voice. “Well, there was a… development. But not really an occasion to celebrate.”

Understanding dawned in Fenris. “The Knight-Captain?” he asked, and Anders raised his eyebrows at him, for once lacking any hostility.

“You know about that?”

Fenris nodded. “Adriene came by yesterday and told me,” he said after a moment. “But it wasn’t really a surprise after everything I already knew from Cassia.”

For a second, Anders tensed as he looked at the elf, but then his shoulders relaxed and he sighed. It looked like he had come to some kind of decision, and he pointed towards one of the tables. “Come on. I’ll tell you what happened today while we keep an eye on Adriene.”

Instinctively, Fenris wanted to refuse. But then he saw the way Anders watched him, wary but open, and he took a deep breath and nodded. Just because they would keep an eye on Adriene together did not mean that he had to suddenly like the man. And he was actually curious as to what happened — especially after what Adriene had told him the night before. Together, they sat down, finding themselves with a drink just a minute later when Norah made her round, putting a tankard before everyone who did not already have one.

“Courtesy of Hawke,” she just said with a grin and walked on.

While Adriene danced and drank and sang — sitting on someone’s lap one moment, dancing with someone else the next, and getting another drink the moment after — Anders told Fenris about what had happened this morning when they had gone to Cullen to find Cassia.

“Cassia thought she was there to kill Cullen?” Fenris asked when he got to the point where Cassia had come at them with magic in her hand.

Anders nodded. “She was pretty convinced of it. And Adriene didn’t seem surprised.”

“That’s ‘cause I wasn’t.”

They both looked up to see Adriene grin down at them, her words slightly slurred. Drunk cheerfulness was written all over her face, and she had both hands on her hips as she looked at them. “Wasn’t surprised,” she shrugged, still that grin on her face. Fenris looked at her with concern as he realized that there was something deeply unsettled about her, a slight quiver in the corner of her lip. “‘Cause Cass was right, you know. Like, if it had been any different, I totally would’ve killed him. ‘Cause that’s who I am. Uh, unaccompanied beer!”

She grabbed Anders’ untouched tankard and downed half of it, grabbing a hold on the table as she swayed slightly. Anders put his hand on her shoulder to steady her.

“Adriene, please,” he said. “That’s not—”

She shook his hand off, putting the tankard back on the table with enough force that some of the beer sloshed over the rim. “Oh, shut it, Anders. Course it is.” She glared at him. “You have no idea what I’m cable of. Capa— capable. Of.”

Anders just frowned at her, but she didn’t seem to mind. “Where’s Isabela?” she suddenly asked, and Anders sighed.

“She left an hour ago already with that captain you set her up with. Remember?”

“Oh. Right.” For a second, she looked lost, as if she didn’t know what to do next, and Fenris asked carefully, “Adriene, are you alright?”

She looked at him, blinking as if she only now realized that he was there. Her grin faltered for a moment, then she cleared her throat and shrugged, her grin back in place. “Sure! It’s not like my twin is afraid of me. Oh, no, wait, she is.” Just at that moment, a new song started, and her face lit up. “Uh, I love this song!” Adriene stumbled more than walked to the dancers, and Fenris and Anders exchanged a worried look.

For once, Fenris felt like they were both completely on the same side. Whatever their differences, when it came to protecting the Hawkes, there was not even a question where they stood.

“We should get her home,” Anders said quietly, but Fenris shook his head.

“Give her time. She needs to get it out of her system. And you haven’t told me yet what happened next.”

Anders hesitated, looking over to where Adriene had both her arms in the air, swirling around as she sang along with her eyes closed. Then he sighed and nodded, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the table, his hands closed around the tankard as if he had to hold on to something while he talked in a hushed tone about what had happened today. He probably needn’t have worried about someone overhearing them; the ruckus in the tavern was loud enough to nearly drown out his voice. Fenris leaned forward to listen, ignoring the drunk people stumbling against their table, and once or twice sending someone scrambling who tried to talk to them with a grim look. Anders told Fenris all about the talk in Cullen’s house, of how the Knight-Captain knew about Cassia, even her magic issues, and what would happen if he would take Cassia to the Circle.

“Fenedhis,” Fenris cursed quietly, his fingers tightening around the tankard. Anders raised an eyebrow at him.

“So that’s where you draw the line, yes? People you like?” A hint of the old hostility and animosity was in his voice, an underlying hardness, and Fenris gritted his teeth.

Keeping his eyes on Adriene on the dance floor, he pushed down the immediate anger and deeply ingrained fear that always rose in him when they spoke about the Circles and mage rights. He couldn’t help his instinctive reaction, but arguing with Anders now would not get them anywhere. And it seemed that Anders was right — he did draw the line when people he liked were involved. The thought of Cassia being forced into Tranquility elicited nothing but horror in him — but he was not ready to confess that to Anders of all people. So he did not answer.

But something in his face seemed to have been enough for the mage, because, after another moment, Anders said nearly softly, “Well. It’s a start.”

Fenris just took another sip of his beer, but Anders did not seem to expect an answer.

They continued to keep an eye on Adriene, several times managing to give her a tankard filled with water instead of beer without her even noticing. Once or twice, they tried to get her to stop drinking and go home, but to no avail. Fenris watched as Anders talked to her in a clearly failed attempt that seemed to only make her angry.

“Oh really?!” she suddenly yelled at Anders, fury blazing in her eyes. “Well, tell him he’s wrong. Because if he’s right, nothing mattered, nothing had a reason, not the Blight, not anything! To the Void with him! With both of you!”

She pushed past him to grab another drink, leaving Anders with a confused and nearly dazed look as he came back to the table. 

“What did you tell her to make her this angry?” Fenris couldn’t help but ask. 

Anders shook his head as he sat down again. “I told her that attacking and killing someone who attacked her family was not murder.”

Fenris blinked. “What?” he finally managed, a deep frown on his face. “Why ever would you talk about something like this? Especially now?”

Anders shrugged, looking nearly as helpless as Fenris felt. “She asked me to ask Justice that question. Whether it was murder. Well, I answered.”

Fenris looked back at Adriene who had found another tankard, shaking his head. Clearly, there was more going on than they both knew. There was no chance that this was brought on by what Anders had told him about the day with Cassia and the Knight-Captain. Varric came to sit with them after a while, but slowly, the brunt of the celebration died off as more and more people left, and the sky outside lost the deep black of night.

“I’m going to bed,” Varric said with a huge yawn. “Can I trust you two to get her home safely?”

Before Fenris could answer, a little chorus started where what was left of the band sat. “Sing, sing, sing!”

The three men looked over to that last group of about fifteen people who had been dancing and singing until now.

“Come on, Hawke, I heard you and I know you can do it, don’t chicken out now!” one woman called.

The man next to her nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, come one. Before Corff throws us out. One Ferelden song sung by a Ferelden.”

Adriene seemed embarrassed at the continuous pleas as several other people joined in, and kept shaking her head.

“I’ll go save her,” Fenris mumbled and had just gotten up when Adriene threw her hands in the air.

“Alright, fine, I’ll sing it. Pip, Jill, you’ll have to play, though.”

Among the excited cheers of the group, a man with a lute and a woman with a tambourine nodded enthusiastically, and Fenris sat down again when he saw Adriene settle on a chair next to the man, wiping her hair out of her face and over her shoulder. They went through a couple of notes, and eventually, Adriene seemed satisfied and gave him a nod.

“Did you know she sang?” Fenris asked, perplexed. Both Anders and Varric shook their heads.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard her sing,” Varric said, leaning back with a curious expression on his face. “I heard Cassia play her lute, but I never knew Adriene had a musical streak, too. That I’ll have to hear.”

Fenris looked back to where the small group cheered Adriene on. As soon as Jill started a low but insisting beat, though, the noise died down, and Adriene began to sing in a soft voice, joined by Pip’s lute after the first few lines.

“Sing me a song of a lass that is gone,

Say, could that lass be I?

Merry of soul she sailed on a day

Over the sea to Ayesleigh.”

For a moment, Fenris didn’t know what to think. He had heard enough professional musicians entertain the courts in Tevinter to know that Cassia had an incredible talent. The few times he had heard her truly play, he had been astounded by her proficiency and even told her that she was easily good enough to entertain a court. Never had he dreamed, though, that her twin sister had a similar talent. It was clear she lacked training, but her voice was clear and soulful, finding the correct tones with ease. But it was more than that. She felt what she sang, the emotions weaving through every note, and Fenris felt his heart widen and beat nearly painfully as her song went straight into it. He could hear Varric mumble “I’ll be damned,” but other than that, the whole tavern seemed to listen. A wistful, sad smile was in the corner of her lips, her eyes half-closed as her voice got stronger and higher on the second verse.

“Billow and breeze, islands and seas,

Mountains of rain and sun,

All that was good, all that was fair,

All that was me is gone.”

It was a melancholic melody, full of longing and sadness. Now, another musician joined, a flute trilling in the background, the beat getting louder, and the rest of the people joined the chorus.

“Sing me a song of a lass that is gone,

Say, could that lass be I?

Merry of soul she sailed on a day

Over the sea to Ayesleigh.”

They repeated it several times, and next to Fenris, even Anders joined in with a surprisingly warm voice. When they eventually ended, cheers and applause went through the Hanged Man, and Adriene gave a little bow, before she quickly sat back into the group, taking another tankard with beer.

“Blondie, I didn’t know you were a singer, too!” Varric said with raised eyebrows, and Anders chuckled, shaking his head.

“I’m not. But it’s an old and very popular Ferelden song. Hard not to join.”

There was something sad and wistful in his eyes, too. Back at the musicians, another merry tune had started, and Fenris could see Adriene waving for another drink.

“I’ll make sure it’s water,” he mumbled, and Anders nodded. Fenris went to the bar, catching Norah before she could fill the tankard with beer, and brought the water to Adriene. Her eyes lit up as she saw him coming towards her, and took the tankard from him, putting it on the table without drinking.

“Come on, Fenris, one dance before dawn. Please?”

She barely waited for his nod, more given out of surprise than an actual desire to dance, and pulled him before the musicians between the three or four other couples who swayed to the music. She put her arms around his neck as she gave him a smile, but didn’t seem to expect anything of him but a slight sway to and fro. Her eyes were clearer than earlier in the night, but it was still obvious that she was far from being sober. He didn’t know what to think, what to feel. The nearly-kiss from the night before was suddenly very clear on his mind, but he’d be damned if he would start anything now that she was this out of it. To his relief, Adriene didn’t seem to have anything like this in mind, however. She just rested her head against his shoulder, sighing tiredly.

“I never heard you sing before,” Fenris said quietly.

For a long moment, there was no reply, and he was nearly certain that she wouldn’t answer at all when she said, “I normally don’t sing. I used to, together with Cassia, but that stopped years ago.”

“Why?” he asked softly. “That song was beautiful.”

Another pause, only filled by a deep sigh. “Because I killed her boyfriend when he wanted to rat her out.”

Fenris paused to look at her in surprise, but she only shrugged. “What? There’s a reason she’s afraid of me. Chased him, he fell, split his head, dead. Huh. That rhymes.” She chuckled, but without any humor, her eyes focused on a point somewhere on his chest. Then she wiped a hand over her face. “Doesn’t matter anyway, it’s been ten years. I think I should go home now,” she mumbled, turning away from him before he could find any words to answer her.

Anders and Varric both got up when they saw Adriene head straight for the door, but she didn’t wait for any of them.

“Can you manage to get her home without clawing each other’s eyes out, boys?” Varric gave Anders and Fenris a look. When neither of them deemed him worthy of an answer, he chuckled. “Just asking. Tell her to come see me tomorrow, will you? If she can remember that, that is…” he added with a mumble before heading towards his room while Fenris and Anders went outside to follow Adriene.

They caught up with her on the Lowtown marketplace, as she made her way towards the stairs to Hightown.

“Adriene, wait,” Anders called out to her as she stumbled and nearly fell, barely catching herself on a wall.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” she slurred, waving a hand in their general direction, “I’m fine.”

“Clearly, you are not fine,” Fenris grumbled. In unspoken understanding, he and Anders each took one of her arms, stabilizing her between them.

“Pfft,” Adriene made, but she did not push them away. “Just because I tried to forget this blighted day you all suddenly go all nanny on me,” she mumbled.

“We’re your friends, Adriene. Friends worry,” Anders answered in a low voice. Clearly, he didn’t expect any reply, but Adriene seemed to think differently.

“Fine then,” she snapped, pushing out of their arms after all and turning to face them. “You wanna know what’s going on then, yes? Fine, I’ll tell you. You know how Isabela made me tell her all about my first time having sex?”

For a tiny moment, Fenris felt very connected to Anders as they shared a look that was in both parts uncomfortable and strangely amused.

“Uhm. No,” he finally answered, forcing himself to keep a straight face.

Adriene glared at him. “Well, I lied to her. I told her it was a Dalish boy. But it wasn’t. It was a templar.”

Fenris felt Anders go very quiet next to him, then the mage asked in a strained voice, “Adriene, what does this have to do with anything?”

She threw her arms in the air, causing herself to stumble again on the stairs. “Everything! Everything has to do with everything! I chased Cassia’s first boyfriend to his death. And she…” Adriene reached for the wall as if to steady herself, her voice pained. “She got afraid. Of course she did. I mean, she didn’t know. How could she?” She looked at her hands, then balled them into fists. “So we just stopped. No more music. No more late-night talks. She was my best friend, and by killing Jeremy, I killed that, too.”

For a second, she became very still, and Fenris saw her eyes shimmer as if she was close to crying, and his heart ached for her.

“Adriene, you don’t have to—” he started softly, but Adriene interrupted him with a sharp gesture, blinking the tears away. She wiped her hair out of her face, straightening as she did so.

“You wanted to know, didn’t you?” There was a challenge to her voice, a sneer in it that Fenris knew was not directed at either of them, but at herself. “And you— you should know. You should, so you know what kind of person you’re friends with. So you’re not surprised when you find out that…” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment. “When you find out that it was even worse,” she continued, less forcefully than before. “Because it made me her jailor. I mean, I didn’t lock her up, but I guess it makes no difference. I wasn’t her friend anymore, and she no longer dared to befriend anyone else because she thought I’d kill them. She told me all of that today.” Suddenly, she stopped, a frown appearing on her face as if a new thought occurred to her. “Or maybe she just never told me.” She grimaced, mumbling, “Makes no difference. It was not like we ever talked about it. And I had no right to ask. ‘Cause I was a liar on top of being a murderer.”

There was such self-loathing in her voice that Fenris instinctively reached for her, but she avoided his touch, shaking her head in a silent denial. “I was a liar. Because I fell in love with a templar. Dad had made me befriend him to get information, and I went and fell in love. Cassia wasn’t allowed to be in love, but I got myself a templar. A  _ templar _ of all people.”

A sudden flash of grief crossed her face, and she closed her eyes, putting a hand over them. Fenris looked at Anders, but he only looked sad and worried as he waited for Adriene to continue. Her voice was hushed and hurried as she spoke, nearly as if she wanted to get the words out before she lost the courage to.

“That’s who I should’ve told Bela about, but I couldn’t even face that truth. I never told anyone about him, how could I tell her now? He made me so happy, but I did my best to forget him. I didn’t ever want to think of him again!” For a second, her voice broke, then she continued, “Once, I was ready to… I don’t know. Throw my family away for him. Run away with him. Tell him. But instead, I killed him. He found my family and did his duty, and I killed him, and then I tried to forget him, kill even his memory.” She took a shuddering breath, still not looking at either Fenris or Anders. “I failed. Of course I did, you don’t just forget your first true kill, do you? I mean, Jeremy was bad, with the twitching and trying to speak as his life pulsed out, but Darrek… I didn’t even know it was him. He wore his helmet.” She became very still, staring at her hands. “It was over before it began. I ambushed him, and he didn’t even get one hit in before I slashed his throat. And the blood… it was still warm. Sprayed all over me. And then he was gone, just… gone.” She tilted her head, her voice far away and incredibly sad as she mumbled, “He looked horrified. Even in death, he still looked horrified. Horrified of me.”

“Adriene…” Anders said carefully, and her eyes snapped back up to him as if she only now remembered that she was not alone.

“You!” she exclaimed, agony and agitation rising again in her voice. “You said it was not murder! But you’re wrong, how can that not be murder? Because I regretted it! I regretted killing him, I wept for him, I regretted protecting my family, what kind of person does that?!”

When Anders took a step towards her, she flinched back, holding a hand up to keep him away. “No, please, stop it. It’s not worth it. All I wanted to do was forget about it all. About back then, and about now, about how it was all for naught anyway because Cassia has gone and got herself a templar, too.” She blinked rapidly as if to avoid tears. “So you see? I didn't even have to kill him. Cassia proved that there’s another way. I became a murderer for no reason.”

She wiped an angry hand over her eyes and focussed them anew. “I wanted to forget it! But you two had to come and make me remember, and this whole blighted evening was for nothing! You should just stay away, both of you!” She took another step back, not looking at either of them as she stared at a point somewhere in the distance. “I’ll just get you killed anyway. One way or another.”

For a second, neither Fenris nor Anders moved as Adriene turned away from them and started to climb the stairs to Hightown, her feet catching at the stairs every now and then, making her stumble.

Fenris didn’t know what to think about everything that Adriene had just thrown at them, and judging from the heavy silence next to him, Anders felt similarly at a loss. He had known parts of it, had guessed at others, and some were completely new, but hearing it all and seeing the heartbreak that accompanied it so clearly was another thing entirely. His heart ached for Adriene, and for a moment, he wanted nothing more than hold her in a vain attempt to make it better.

Even though he knew that it would help nothing.

When he had stood among the bodies of the Fog Warriors that had taken him in, that he had killed, he had felt a similar horrible regret and shame. And the realization that nothing he ever did would undo what he had done. Nor could he ever make up for it. 

“Whatever is necessary,” Anders suddenly called out next to him. Adriene froze the same second that Fenris looked at him in confusion. Slowly, Anders made his way up the stairs until he had caught up with Adriene. She looked at him with wide eyes, and he said softly, “Isn’t that what you told your mother? That you would do whatever is necessary to protect them?”

For a moment, she swayed as if something was pulling at the earth beneath her feet. This time, she did not flinch back when Anders touched her arm to steady her. She just nodded. He pulled her into his arms, and she didn’t resist.

“You couldn’t know. You saw a threat and protected your family. What happened back then has nothing to do with today. It’s not your fault,” Anders told her in a low voice.

Fenris couldn’t make out the rest of what Anders said. He took a deep breath and looked away, battling the misplaced jealousy that threatened to rise. Right now, Adriene was a friend in need. And Anders had always been close to her, able to connect to the Hawkes’ struggle better than anyone else. For a moment, he wished he could be just as open as the mage, but at the same time, he knew that he never would be. Never could be. Not while he had to be on his guard continuously. Fenris closed his eyes for a second, steeling himself against the pang of sadness. When his eyes returned to them, he saw Anders looking at him, indicating with a nod that he should come up to them. Adriene wiped a hand over her eyes, looking exhausted. All the agitation had left her, and she leaned against Anders as if she was glad for his support.

“Come on, Adriene,” Anders said softly as Fenris reached them. “Let’s get you home.”

“I’m just… so tired,” she mumbled as they steadied her. “Of it all. And I’m too drunk to think straight.”

“It is alright,” Fenris said soothingly. “We got you.”

Adriene just nodded.

Without talking, they made their way to Hightown and the Hawke residence. Adriene’s eyes were half-closed, and she hummed a barely audible melody as she swayed and walked between them, leaning at times at one, then the other. Fenris recognized it as part of the song she had performed in the Hanged Man. He tried to remember what the line had been, his arm around her tightening as it came back to him.

_ All that was good, all that was fair, all that was me is gone… _

“No,” Adriene suddenly said, coming to a sudden stop as they neared her house. “No, I don’t want to go home. Cassia is there. I just… I can’t.”

They had let go of her as she stopped walking, and she looked up at Fenris, a helpless and pleading look in her eyes. “Can’t I just… stay with you? I mean, at your place? Please?”

He didn’t have to think about it. “Of course,” he answered softly.

Only after he had spoken did he remember that Anders was there, too. But where he expected resentment, Anders just looked unsurprised and a bit sad. “I’ll help you,” he murmured, and together, they passed the Hawke residence towards Fenris’ mansion.

Not long after, Adriene sat on a bed in one of the guest rooms in Fenris’ mansion. All that had been left of the drunk energy and forced cheerfulness had seeped out of her, and she looked exhausted and pale. Fenris put a glass of water on the nightstand.

“Try to find some rest,” he said in a low voice, and she nodded.

Anders was waiting at the door, watching her with a critical eye. “I think we managed to get enough water into her that she’ll be alright when she wakes, but if she gets worse, give her a potion, then send for me, alright?” he said as Fenris walked over to him. Fenris gave him an acknowledging nod.

“Don’t tell her.” 

Adriene’s voice was surprisingly clear, if lined with exhaustion, and they both turned back to her. She looked at them with a plea in her eyes. “Don’t tell Cassia that you’ve heard me sing. It’ll just upset her.”

“Alright,” Anders nodded after a moment of silence.

Something like a smile flickered over her face, then she lay down onto her side with a murmured “Thank you.” With a sigh, she closed her eyes. “And you’ll both stop me before I get you killed, yes?” The sentence made them both pause, but she didn’t seem to expect an answer. Her last words were barely understandable as she drifted off to sleep. “However necessary.”

Fenris and Anders went downstairs in silence, both lost in thought.

“Should we tell Cassia?” Fenris eventually asked. “Not about the singing, but about the evening in general?

Anders shook his head after a moment of consideration. “No. Adriene is right insofar as that it would only upset her sister. And right now, in her condition, and with the situation as it is, Cassia needs all the calmness and stability she can get.”

They had reached the door, and Anders stepped outside. The sky already had the lightness that came just before morning, and the first birds were singing and chirping loudly. Anders took a deep breath before he turned back to Fenris. “Take care of her.”

Fenris inclined his head to him, and Anders turned, drawing his coat closer around him as he followed the street towards Lowtown. He watched the mage disappear around the corner, then he locked the door and went upstairs. Maybe Anders was right. It was a start.


	29. Spin me a Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our last chapter in 2019! 🎉  
> Thank you all for being a part of this story, for coming on this journey with us. We absolutely love this story and we are so, so happy about the way you interact with us and with it. Believe us when we say that every comment, either here or on [Tumblr](https://intothedragonverse.tumblr.com/) is so very much appreciated and brightens our days so much!!  
> We wish you all a very, very Happy New Year! May your 2020 be bright and wonderful!  
> See you on the flip side ❤️

Every bone in Cassia’s body felt exhausted. The day had started off less than relaxed when the consistent kicking against her stomach had chased her out of bed far too early for her tastes. The rest of the day had not been much kinder. Something as simple as a trip to the market took twice as long due to the frequent breaks she had to take.

After that, she had gone to Anders’ clinic again, helping him with some menial tasks that could be done sitting down. Cassia didn’t feel bad or unwell at all, on the contrary, she was in a surprisingly good mood on most days lately, but nearing the end of her pregnancy was definitely starting to take its toll on her constitution. Anders had cheered her up, pointing out that at least this would not be going on for much longer. Still, the excitement of meeting her unborn child was marred with anxiety that would rear its head at inconsistent intervals.

Finding out rather late about her pregnancy combined with all the worries she had carried around gave her little time to think about how her life would be afterwards. Of course, she had talked extensively to her mother, but all the things Leandra described felt somewhat unreal, not tangible for Cassia. Then, there was the added issue of still having a wedding to set up.

No matter how fast her mother wanted it to happen, there were several things that stood in the way of that. Planning, organizing and setting the whole thing up weren’t even the biggest issues anymore. Not after Cullen had raised a point that neither of them had thought about before. The guest list. Namely, who specifically would have to be invited out of courtesy alone. Cassia would never have anticipated that this single thing would be the most daunting aspect of all of this.

It was why she took the secret passage back to her family's home. In the past few days, she had gone to Cullen's instead. This was a topic she needed to talk over with her family. Urgently.

 

While Cassia was busy helping Anders, Adriene had jumped at the chance of having her out of the house and immediately started working on something she had been preparing for a while already. She had been working in the garden all morning already when Isabela chimed in from the side.

“You know, if you want my advice to finally get this crib done — I’m pretty sure that this is not how it’s supposed to be.”

Isabela’s voice was full of mirth, and Adriene knew without looking up that her friend had the biggest grin on her face. She only wiped the sweat from her face and narrowed her eyes at the pirate who sat on a barrel, a glass in her hand.

“Bela, the last helpful comment you gave me had me saw a new board because it ruined the one I worked on. So please, for the love of sweet Andraste, just let me work, alright?”

“She is right, however,” came Fenris’ voice from the door.

Adriene froze for a second, then she turned towards him with an uncertain look in her eyes. She had avoided him since the morning after the Hanged Man disaster, ashamed of her conduct and a bit too fuzzy for her liking on what exactly had taken place. She had a vague memory of music, yelling at him and Anders, and of dancing with Fenris, her arms around his neck and his on her back. She was pretty certain that last one hadn’t actually happened, but she remembered enough of the yelling to know that she had told them both more than ever intended.

There was nothing but amusement on his face as he studied her handiwork, though. Adriene decided that whatever happened that night more than a week ago could very well stay in that night.

“Is that so?” she asked dryly, raising her chin defiantly. “And what makes you the carpenter all of a sudden?”

Fenris chuckled deep in his throat, then made his way over to her instead of giving a direct answer. “Here—” He picked up one of the boards she had sawed earlier, “you want this one.”

Adriene glared at him for another second before she looked down and realized that he was right. “Oh.” She cleared her throat, a blush burning in her cheeks. “Right.”

She put the piece of wood she had had in her hand aside and took the one Fenris had given her. “Carver was the one who did all the woodwork once father was gone,” she explained. “But I wanted this to be special, you know?”

“I offered to help, but she was adamant to keep me out of it,” Isabela threw in from her barrel, and Adriene rolled her eyes with a half-grin.

“You did not offer, I asked you to, and I’m still not convinced you didn’t ruin that board on purpose so you could get out of it!” she called over.

Isabela pretended to be shocked, her grin and the twinkle in her eyes belying her assurances. “Seagull! I would never!”

Fenris just laughed. “Well, if you have no objection against me, I will gladly give you a hand.”

Adriene searched his face for any sign of mockery, but there was none to be found. She gave him a relieved smile and nodded. “That would be great. I mean, not that I couldn’t do it by myself,” she added hastily, and Fenris nodded gravely.

“Of course not.” There was a hint of amusement to his voice, but Adriene decided to let it slip. Despite her declaration, she was more than glad for the help, having spent most of the day already with what she had thought would take a mere few hours. She was certain that Carver would have been done twice over by now. But so far, she didn’t have much to show for apart from half of the corpus of the little bed.

For the next hour or so, the two of them worked on the crib for Cassia’s baby, with colorful comments peppered in from Isabela. After the first few moments of feeling awkward, Adriene decided to follow Fenris’ example and just ignore the events of the last week. It was too enticing to just fall into the comfort and ease that their company brought, the laughter and happiness. Fenris’ help proved invaluable, and together they made good progress of what she had started alone.

 

Inside the mansion, Cassia looked around for her family, but there was no one to be found. Bodahn informed her that both her mother and Bethany were out and that Adriene was outside. When she realized that only her twin sister was home, Cassia hesitated for a moment. Almost instantly, she wanted to chide herself for the reaction. Ever since their talk, they had avoided being alone together. They hadn’t parted on a bad note, but still, there was an air of discomfort around them whenever they saw each other. It wouldn’t do to avoid her sister now, though. Not with the very real problem she had come here to discuss. Cassia might need her advice, her help even, and she was sure that whatever else was still hanging between them would not stop her sister from granting it.

She came to a stop in front of the large windows facing the garden behind the house, and she curiously took in the scene outside. Adriene was busy sawing, building something. Fenris was next to her, holding an unwieldy large piece of wood in place to help her. A bit further away from them sat Isabela, legs crossed on top of a water barrel, looking like she was sitting on a throne instead of a piece of wood as she laughed at the other two. Cassia swallowed, suddenly feeling her heart clench as she realized what the wooden shape her sister was working on looked like.

 

“So, about what happened in the Hanged Man,” Adriene said quietly as Fenris held a larger piece for her. “I’m sorry I disappeared the next day without thanking you.”

Fenris looked at her quizzically, then he nodded. “Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you seem to be… better.”

She shrugged and continued sawing. So far, she had managed to distract herself successfully from the dark feelings that had been left by that particular day. Not that this was necessarily ‘feeling better’, but it was a start. At least, she and Cassia were still talking... even if they hadn’t tried to speak alone again. “No use in wallowing, right?” She paused and gave him a little smile. “But really. Thank you.”

“I really want to know what you’re talking about, you look shockingly sweet,” Isabela threw in, a teasing glint in her eyes.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Adriene called back, giving Fenris a wink. A smirk curled the corner of his lips, and Isabela laughed.

“Mhm, I would indeed,” she purred.

“We were just talking about measurements, Bela,” Adriene said exaggeratedly innocent. Fenris’ smirk widened.

“Uuuh,” Bela made, her eyes lighting up. “The interesting kind, I hope?”

“If you had deigned to help, you’d know,” Fenris shrugged.

“You’re no fun,” the pirate groaned, and Adriene smothered a laugh.

 

Cassia had watched the antics outside for some time with a content smile on her face when she heard a noise behind her. A moment later, she felt Cullen’s arms around her, his hands gently roaming over her belly as he kissed her neck.

“You’re off early,” she sighed as she leaned against his chest, happy that he had already taken the time to get out of his armor.

“Bodahn let me in. I thought I’d pick you up,” he murmured quietly behind her, his eyes following along to where she had been looking at.

“What is your sister doing out there?” he asked curiously.

Cassia felt her smile widen. “She is building us a crib!”

“Huh!” Cullen made a surprised noise. “Did you tell her that we are already set?”

“Yeah, no,” Cassia shook her head. “We are going to have to throw out the one we got. Obviously.”

“Obviously!” Cullen chuckled warmly against her. “I’ll take care of that, first thing when we get home.”

 

With a little crack, the wood Adriene had sawed fell on the ground.

“Isabela, didn’t you say you want to help?” Fenris called over to their friend, taking it up. “You can smooth the wood.” He grinned at her. “ You don’t even have to get up for it.”

“See, seagull, this is how you…” Bela started, but the laughter in her voice died as she trailed off.

Adriene looked up as Isabela suddenly put her glass aside and slowly, tensely got up. “What’s going on?” she asked in alarm as she saw the way Isabela’s face darkened.

“Adriene, are you aware that there’s a templar with Cassia?” Isabela’s voice was low and tense. Adriene reacted on instinct, swirling around and reaching for a weapon before her mind had caught up with what Isabela had said. Her friend was also reaching for her knives before she suddenly stopped again. “No, wait, he’s cuddling her?!”

Adriene let out a breath, her shoulders tense as she saw Cassia and Cullen. Fenris glanced at the window, then back to Adriene as if to gauge her reaction. She felt his gaze on her and forced herself to relax.

“Oh, that’s just Cullen,” she said, shrugging.

“What do you mean ‘just Cullen’?” Isabela asked, dumbfounded. “I’m pretty sure that that’s the Knight-Captain, not ‘just Cullen’!”

Fenris and Adriene exchanged a look. “She hasn’t told the others yet,” Adriene explained in a low voice, “and it wasn’t my secret to tell.”

Isabela’s mouth fell open, and she stared at Adriene, then back to the window. “You’re not serious.”

Without another word, she hurried to the door and disappeared inside. Fenris raised an eyebrow. “We better follow her,” he said. Adriene nodded and got up, patting the wood dust from her trousers.

“I wouldn’t want to miss that meeting for the world,” she said, a smile tugging at her lips despite the slight uneasiness inside her.

They had just come inside when she heard Isabela say to Cassia, nearly accusingly, “You shagged him! And you didn’t tell me about it!” When they came to them, Bela had both hands on her hips. Adriene couldn’t help a little grin when she heard her friend say, “Well, well. Cassia, I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“I thought it’s rather obvious she did,” Cullen said from behind her with a dry chuckle and a pointed look at her belly, and Cassia would have elbowed him in protest if his arms hadn’t been around hers. She had to settle for rolling her eyes as Isabela bellowed in laughter.

“Look at you!” she chuckled. “I might even like you!” There was a gleam in Isabela’s eyes, and Cassia didn’t know if that was a good sign or a bad one right at that moment. Before Isabela could say another word, she decided to take charge of the situation as best as she could.

“Cullen, Isabela,” she introduced them before nodding at Fenris. “And that’s Fenris. They are both friends.”

“And as your friend, I am deeply hurt by not knowing about this,” Isabela said in an almost sweet voice, not giving anyone a chance for a polite greeting. “I tell you all about my scandalous love affairs, and here you go, one-upping all my stories and don’t even have the decency to share the juicy details!”

When she turned around to where Fenris and Adriene were standing, she seemed to notice the utter lack of surprise on both of their faces.

“And don’t think you two are off the hook!” she added with fake outrage in her voice that could not hide the amusement underneath.

Adriene didn’t look nearly as carefree and relaxed as Isabela did as she looked at her sister.

“Were you hoping to catch Mom? I’m afraid she left a while ago, and I don’t know when she will be back.”

Adriene sounded almost perfectly normal. Only the many years of living together made Cassia hear how slightly stilted she sounded. As if she had to think just a moment too long about just what to say.

Cassia shook her head. “Actually, I came because I need to talk something over with you. There is a problem.”

Something in Adriene seemed to immediately shift at those words. “A problem?” she asked, sounding alert.

Cassia felt Cullen nod, his arms still around her. “We’ve come across a rather prominent difficulty in regards to the wedding,” he added.

“A wedding?” Isabela grinned excitedly, looking like her day had just gotten even better. “Oh, I love weddings. I’ll even promise you to not ruin yours if I get the full story to this,” she said, her eyebrows raised suggestively. “And an invitation of course!”

Despite the rather tense issue that was at stake, Cassia couldn’t help herself but smile at her friend. “You’ll get both!” she promised before looking at Adriene again. “Speaking of invitations though, there is a problem with our guest list.”

Adriene frowned, giving her sister a skeptical look. Cassia couldn’t blame her; Adriene was most likely seriously wondering why she would come to her with an issue like this.

“I don’t know how I can help you there,” Adriene said, confused. “What’s the issue? Too many guests? Too few? You want to find a way around having to invite Gamlen?”

“That’s almost the issue,” Cassia mumbled as she squeezed Cullen’s hand nervously. “We’ve realized who we _will_ have to invite last night.”

Adriene waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. “Ah, don’t worry about etiquette too much,” she said. “I know Mom keeps bugging you about this, but even with all her efforts, we are not _that_ influential in Hightown. You don’t have to invite a bunch of nobles just for social standing. You don’t have to invite any of them if you don’t want to!”

Cassia exchanged a look with Cullen. Maker, she hadn’t expected to feel this uncomfortable to even try and say it out loud. When she turned back, she saw Fenris’ eyes widen in sudden understanding.

“There is one person she will _have_ to invite though if she plans to marry the _Knight-Captain_...” he said slowly.

It took her another second, then Adriene’s mouth fell open as she realized who they were talking about. Her stomach clenched as a chill ran through her. “Oh shit,” she mumbled. “The Knight-Commander. Of course.”

Cassia nodded unhappily, and Adriene gave her a sympathetic look. “But Cass, Mom will never insist on this, you know that. And especially not now, not with your magic going havoc during your pregnancy.”

Her sister sighed. “I know. But even if we postpone it, it’s only that — postponing. And people will ask why we waited until after the child was born.” She threw Adriene an imploring look. “You know how it is.”

“I could always marry you on my ship,” Isabela said, a thoughtful look on her face. “Romantic wedding at sea, just the two of you. I’d even let you have the captain’s cabin for the night.” She grinned.

Fenris just gave her a look. “You would need a ship for that, Bela,” he said dryly.

Isabela grinned. “I know. I wonder who could do something about that…” She eyed Cullen with a calculating glint to her eyes, and Adriene couldn’t help but chuckle.

“That would still have the Knight-Commander expecting a personal invitation for the must-have official celebration,” she said.

“You people have no imagination.” Everybody turned in surprise at the new voice joining into the conversation. Varric leaned in the doorway, giving them a wink as he pushed himself off the frame to join them. “You don’t need to marry. You just need to _be_ _married_.”

“Varric!” Adriene exclaimed in surprise. It was a rare occasion when Varric turned up at their place. He preferred waiting for them to come to the Hanged Man. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve come looking for you, Twirly,” Varric said, giving Fenris a chiding look. “ _Someone_ was supposed to tell you to come talk to me after the party last week, but _someone_ clearly forgot.”

“Oops,” Fenris mumbled.

“And since you for some reason didn’t show your face in the Hanged Man since then, I came to check up on you.” He turned to Cassia and gave her a warm smile. “And on you and the little one, of course.” He eyed Cullen who seemed somewhat at a loss. “So, you and Curly finally made it official, did you?”

“Do I know you?” Cullen asked, trying not to sound too confused, causing Varric to laugh. Adriene and Isabela exchanged a look and quickly looked away again before their grin became too obvious.

“I am hurt, you attended my funeral after all if I wasn’t misinformed.” He gave him a wink and a short bow. “Varric Tethras, storyteller, rogue, merchant. And I think I have the solution to your problem.”

For a moment everyone just looked at him, waiting for him to continue. When it became obvious that Varric wasn’t going to do that on his own, Cassia rolled her eyes.

“Aren’t you going to tell me that solution then?” she asked with raised eyebrows.

Varric shot her a well-rehearsed disappointed look. “You couldn’t just go with the flow and breathlessly ask me how I can solve all your problems?”

“You are already overly dramatic all on your own, you don’t need me to give you extra cues,” Cassia replied dryly with a shake of her head. “Fine. Oh, Varric! Please tell me what we’ve been missing!”

The dwarf snorted at her overdone antics. “Better, but the delivery could still use some work,” he chuckled before becoming serious again. “It’s easy actually, just tell everyone you’ve already been married since before the expedition.”

Adriene narrowed her eyes at the suggestion. “Wouldn't that pose the same problem, though? Cullen would still have to explain to the Knight-Commander why she wasn’t invited…”

“Not if you make it sound right,” Varric disagreed. “Let me set the scene.” He had almost immediately gone into what Cassia had dubbed his storyteller voice. “A young love blossoming, an uncertain future in form of a Deep Roads expedition, and the spontaneous and hastily given promise just before that with the thoughts of properly celebrating the fresh union once the danger is passed.” He said all that with a pointed look at his audience before continuing. “Then, tragedy strikes. The false news of the death driving the mourning widower out of the city. Months of grief and uncertainty on both sides until they are finally reunited. No one will question the foregoing of any additional official celebration with the condition of the mother-to-be. All you really need is a document with a matching date on it.”

Isabela had started grinning widely at Varric’s overly dramatic description. “Not something hard to get at all if you know the right people,” she said with an amused laugh.

“I am not sure how believable that would be.” Cullen sounded slightly skeptical. “No offense to your talent of spinning a story, but that sounds like the plot to one of those overly flowery-written books I keep confiscating in the barracks during inspection.”

Varric let out a hearty laugh. “Exactly! That is why people will eat the story up! It has everything a good tale needs, after all.”

“I didn’t think these books would be popular among the Chantry people.” Isabela shot a look at Cullen, her air of perpetual amusement not leaving her even for a moment. “Just how many of those books did you have to confiscate?” she asked with a grin.

“Enough to wonder how some of the stories will turn out in the end,” Cullen muttered.

Isabela chuckled in delight, and even Adriene couldn't suppress a grin that she immediately felt guilty about. Quickly, she focused on the topic at hand rather than on Cullen seeming like a person she could like.

“Sebastian could marry you,” she said thoughtfully. “To make it feel real, I mean. And to appease Mom.” She gave Cassia a little smile. “And I know you always wanted it, so… all he would have to do is to put the wrong date on it.”

Fenris didn’t seem convinced. “I don’t know if his conscience would allow it,” he said haltingly, and Isabela rolled her eyes.

“Then I do it for him when he sadly leaves the piece of paper unattended while he longingly gazes at Bethany,” she threw in dismissively.

“What?” Cassia and Adriene said at the same time, both perking up. Sebastian looking longingly at Bethany? For a short, hopeful moment, Adriene felt their old connection as their eyes met, but it was quickly interrupted by Varric.

“One love story at a time, please,” he said. “But as you can see, the _how_ is just details we can work on. What do you say?”

Cassia turned slightly to get a better look at Cullen. He loosened his arms around her enough so she could move but didn’t let go as she looked up to him.

“What do you think?” she asked.

“As long as you are there, I don’t care about a big ceremony,” he said, with a serious conviction as his eyes found hers. Cassia smiled at his words, her heart growing wide at the earnestness in his voice. Cullen’s face softened as he looked at her, and for a moment, she forgot about the company they had, losing herself in his eyes. With everything that was going on, it was easy to forget that this was about more than overcoming difficulties. That it was about them, their future together. But when he looked at her like he did now, she knew beyond a doubt that this was the man she wanted to spend her life with. Without thinking about it, she lifted herself on her toes to kiss him. Cullen’s arms tightened around her, holding her close to him in a way that made her stomach flutter in excitement.

“Awww,” Isabela made after a moment, bringing them back to reality. Cassia’s cheeks burned as she saw the huge grin on her friend’s face that was matched by Varric’s indulging smile. Fenris smiled to himself while Adriene seemed overly interested in her fingernails.

Cullen cleared his throat, his voice businesslike all of a sudden. “It sounds like a good plan that would solve our biggest problems.”

Cassia quickly nodded. “I’d like to have a little bit of a celebration,” she admitted. “With friends and family, but maybe it’s better if we do that one a while later then. When I won’t fall asleep from exhaustion halfway through like I do these days…”

There was a thoughtful look on Cullen’s face. “If we are working with fake wedding documents and pretend we are already married anyway, then nothing is keeping us from postponing the actual wedding until later,” he suggested. “Have both the ceremony and a celebration in private when you can fully enjoy it as well.”

“That would be nice,” Cassia agreed quietly. She felt herself relax as some of the anxiousness that had been plaguing her since her mother insisted on an early wedding washed away.

“There is one thing you have to hurry along, though,” Varric interjected, “even if you decide to wait with the actual wedding.”

Both Cassia and Cullen turned to look at him, and he nodded at the two of them. “You need to move in together. Better yesterday than tomorrow. Nobody is going to believe the story of happy newly-weds being reunited and with a child on the way after such a devastating period of tragic separation if you keep apart. So unless Curly wants to move in with his wife’s family, you better start packing your bags, Frosty.”

Cassia swallowed, a weird mix of emotions rushing through her at the thought of moving. There had never been a doubt in her that she would move in with Cullen and not the other way round, and she was definitely looking forward to living with him. At the same time, the thought of leaving her home behind left her worried. For the future. For her relationship with her sister. But Varric was right with the points he made. She would just have to trust in Adriene’s assurances about not letting this draw them further apart. Trust in their ability to learn how to be close again — despite the new distance. She looked up at Cullen who gave her a smile, his arms tightening reassuringly around her.

Isabela chuckled and gave Adriene a sidelong look. “Can you even imagine? A templar beneath your roof?” she asked, a teasing smile on her lips. But beneath it, Adriene could see a watchful concern as her friend looked at her. She avoided giving an answer, though, just elbowed Bela in the side. She wasn’t quite sure what she thought of all of this. She had of course known that this would happen in some way or another, but being confronted with the immediacy of Cassia actually moving out was quite another story. Her heart clenched painfully as she saw Cassia in Cullen’s arms, but when she met Cassia’s eyes, she quickly looked away. There was still too much confusion and hurt between them, old and new, to be something like at ease.

Varric seemed to sense that something was in the air and gave the twins a quizzical look. Before anything like unease could arise, he said, “Well, Twirly, now that we have Frosty and Curly happily married, there was the matter I came to talk to you about. Remember the Arishok? He’s getting impatient. And something tells me that you don’t want a big guy with huge horns and war paint impatient.”

Adriene huffed in annoyance. “I’ve talked to him twice this last week! I told him that the trail has turned cold for the moment. I need to wait for the Coterie informant to come through.” She sighed, rubbing a hand over her forehead before coming to a decision. Looking at her sister, she asked, “Cassia, do you feel up to come to talk to him tomorrow? You’ve always managed to make him see reason so far.”

At her sister’s inquiring look, she explained, “Remember Javaris? From before the Deep Roads? The idiot stole from the Qunari, but instead of the gatalock—“

“Gaatlok,” Fenris corrected quietly, and Adriene nodded.

“Yeah, that one, the explosives.” She impatiently waved a hand through the air. “In any case, instead of that, he got the formula for saar-something. They had placed it as a decoy for unfathomable reasons, so now Javaris has not explosives but a poisonous gas which will be all kinds of fun, I assume.”

Fenris’ eyes widened. “They let him steal _saar-qamek_?” The shocked look on his face did nothing to alleviate the general disquiet that had accompanied Adriene ever since she had heard about it.

“You know it?” she asked, but he shook his head, drawing his eyebrows together.

“I know _of_ it. It’s deadly to humans upon inhalation, and both quick and painful. The Qunari like to use it to quickly clear out a town,” he said grimly. “If you talk to him again, I would like to come.”

Adriene nodded. “Sure thing. Bela, you in, too?”

But her friend quickly shook her head, the golden earrings clinking softly as the smile on her face wavered. She tried to overplay it, but Adriene saw the discomfort that always accompanied Isabela when the talk turned to Qunari. “Poison? No, thank you. You can’t fight poison. Have that one without me.”

“There won’t be any poison in the Qunari compound,” Adriene said, clicking her tongue. “Do you honestly think I’d ask Cassia to join me if I thought there’d be any danger? It’s just talking to the Arishok.” She looked over to her sister. “What do you say, Cassia?”

“It would only be for some talks, right?” Cassia asked, just to be sure. She wasn’t certain she would have the energy for anything more strenuous. Adriene nodded. It wouldn’t be the worst idea to get out for a little while, and maybe if she packed most of her things before that, her friends could help her move some of her stuff over afterwards. A giddy excitement settled in her stomach at the thought.

“I’m in,” she agreed.

“You are going to attempt to do what exactly, try and sweet-talk the Qunari?” Cullen gave her a mildly confused look, but before Cassia could answer, Adriene snorted.

“She doesn’t _try_ , she usually succeeds. You’ve obviously never seen her around the nobles when she does her thing.”

Cullen’s eyebrows rose. “Her thing?”

Varric chuckled. “Your lovely wife could probably make a fortune selling raincoats in Orzammar.”

Isabela was outright laughing. “He means she has a very talented tongue,” she said with a wide and absolutely indecent grin on her face. Cullen shook his head in disbelief, mumbling something that sounded a lot like _Maker._

“Isabela! You don’t need to say that!” Cassia chided. For a brief moment, Isabella looked as though she was about to apologize. But Cassia couldn't keep her straight face and started to chuckle.

“Because I’m pretty sure he is already aware of that,” she said with a small grin of her own before she looked at Cullen again to gauge his reaction. He seemed to have gotten over his initial shock as he gave her a look that made her nearly blush, despite her own earlier teasing.

“It may have come up,” he said dryly, sending Isabela into another fit of laughter while Adriene mumbled something to Fenris who grinned with an amused gleam in his eyes. Varric chuckled, but there was something eager about him that made Cassia certain that he itched to get to his notebook to write something down.

Before Isabela could calm down enough to come back with a clever answer and give Varric more fodder for one of his stories, Cassia put a hand on Cullen’s arm.

“Perhaps we should go home now,” she said in a more serious tone again before she turned back to Adriene. “I am very slow in the mornings, so how about we meet here at noon?”

Adriene agreed, and a short while and some friendly goodbyes later, Cassia found herself outside, Cullen’s hand in hers.

“Do you realize that you said ‘we should go home’?” Cullen suddenly asked as they made their way through the streets, giving her a smile. “Not ‘to your place’ but home.”

Cassia paused as she thought back, then a wide smile came onto her lips. “You’re right,” she said, her hand tightening around his. Nervous excitement spread through her at the thought and her eyes shone happily as she looked up at him. Thinking of his place as home still felt like something that she would need to get used to, but at the same time, she absolutely loved the thought. “I didn’t even think about it,” she confessed. “But it feels… right.”

Cullen nodded with a look of absolute happiness on his face. “I know exactly what you mean,” he said, bringing her hand to his lips to place a kiss onto her knuckles as they took the last turn to his… no, _their_ home.

Cassia gave him a wicked grin. “Wait until you see what changes I plan to make to it,” she teased. “You might no longer feel so giddy then.”

They had reached the door, but instead of opening it, Cullen turned to her with a look that immediately sent a shiver of heat over her skin. He shook his head slowly, lifting her face up to his with a soft touch to place a kiss onto her lips. “Believe me, Cassia,” he said huskily, “there is nothing I don’t love about the thought of you adding your touch to this house.”

Just a second afterwards, Cassia gave a little squeal as he lifted her up in his arms without forewarning, pushing the door open with his elbow. “Welcome home, Mrs. Rutherford,” he said, a promise in his eyes that left her breathless, and carried her over the threshold.


	30. Life Happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to 2020! May it be a happy and fulfilled year for you ♥

“I should be in there,” Cullen murmured quietly to himself a few weeks later, pacing through his living room without pause. Just as he had been for the past hour. Ever since Anders had put his foot down, deciding that everyone that was not a healer or in any way helpful was supposed to stay out and away from the bedroom. The room where Cassia was. Had been for hours already when Cullen had finally arrived. He had hurried home the moment he had gotten the message that she had gone into labor.

He was glad that she hadn’t been alone. For the past week, her mother had insisted on staying with her during the days when he was away, so they would be ready for this. She was with her now. So was Bethany. Which left him and Adriene to wait mostly in silence with each other. The pacing had really been the next logical step.

That and the continuous overthinking. Even though he knew that Anders would make sure that Cassia was alright, he couldn’t help but jump at each sound coming from the bedroom.

“And what would you do?” Adriene asked back, not for the first time. “Apart from being in the way, I mean?”

He made a dismissive gesture. “I don’t know!” he exclaimed. “Hold her hand? Just — be there!”

He raked a hand through his hair, taking another turn in the room.

“Sit down, Cullen,” Adriene said impatiently. She sat on the couch, both legs drawn towards her and her arms wrapped around them to keep herself from copying Cullen. She rested her chin on her knees, watching him pace and wring his hands. The nervousness bled from his every pore, but Adriene couldn’t begrudge him for it. It was not like she was any better, drumming her fingers on her leg.

He glared at her, but she didn’t back down. “You’re making me nervous, too!” she complained.

Cullen bit back a sharp reply that he knew was unwarranted and let out a breath. “Sorry,” he said somewhat stiltedly and sat down at the edge of the couch, his whole body tense.

“It’s fine,” Adriene murmured. “Can’t blame you. I hate not being able to do anything, too.”

The sounds coming from the bedroom were hard to bear, even if she knew that they were completely normal. But at the same time, she could not _not_ be here, not with the baby on the way.

Suddenly, Bethany came out of the bedroom, a large bowl in her arms. They both perked up hopefully, but she just hurried past them into the bathroom, barely sparing them a glance. They heard her empty the bowl, then splashing of water as she refilled it. A few moments later, she hurried back into the bedroom and resolutely closed the door behind her again.

Cullen groaned, burying his face in his hands. “Just how long can something like this actually take?”

“I hate to tell you, but if we’re out of luck, we’ll still be waiting tomorrow,” she said. The way Cullen turned towards her with a nearly comically shocked expression made her smile. “Don’t worry, Cullen. She has Anders and Bethany at her side. She’ll be fine.”

Just at that moment, a loud groan from the bedroom made them both flinch. Adriene jumped up, unable to bear the waiting any longer. “I can’t just sit around here. Do you want to train? It always kept me sane when Carver and I had to wait around.”

Her suggestion caught him off guard for a moment. Doing something, anything else but waiting, hadn’t even crossed his mind so far. His first instinct was to refuse — shouldn’t he rather stay right where he was, just in case?

 _In case of what?_ he told himself immediately. It was clear he couldn’t help Cassia, and with what Adriene suggested, they would still be right outside after all.

“It beats walking a hole into the floor,” he agreed reluctantly. “I keep some training equipment in the garden.”

Adriene didn’t need any further prompting to follow him outside where he opened the small shed that held a not very sizable but varied collection of dull training weapons and some gear. He took his usual weapon, its heaviness comforting in his hand as he tightened his hand around it. The feeling of his trusted blade in his hand eased the anxiousness that had him in its grip the whole day already. With a nod, he motioned for Adriene to help herself.

“Take your pick.”

For a moment, Adriene appraised his collection before she chose two daggers that were a bit shorter than her preferred weapons but well-balanced. They would suit her just fine. She swirled them around a few times, testing their range and adjusting her grip to the handles.

“Feels weird,” she said as she watched the dull blades glint in the sunlight. “Not the blades, but this day,” she clarified when Cullen raised his eyebrows. “Only yesterday, I was surrounded by all those dead bodies dropping from the poison.” She could still feel the raspy scratch in the back of her throat from the _saar-qamek_ fumes that had reached them even through the masks they had fixed over their mouths and noses. “And today, we’re waiting for a new life.” A small smile flickered over her face as she looked up at Cullen. “Makes you a bit more hopeful, in a way.” She stretched her arms and started to bounce on her feet to warm herself up. “So, Knight-Captain, got a specific routine you want to keep?”

Cullen chuckled at the thought. “If I go through a routine, I won’t need to think about it. I might as well be still pacing.” Instinctively, he had started to assume a combat stance.

“Surprise me, Hawke.”

It only took a short moment for Adriene to get in position before she came at him with a speed that, even though he kind of anticipated it from how fast her reaction had been back in his office, was nonetheless impressive. She was so fast that it would have given him trouble to react in time had he been wearing his usual armor, he realized as he sidestepped her barely in time to bring his shield up. She seemed to be perfectly aware of all this.

“You would have been too slow if this was a real fight,” she said with a grin as she drew back and changed her angle. Cullen tightened the grip on his shield.

“If this were a real fight I wouldn’t need to dodge,” he remarked. Daggers wouldn’t really make a dent in his chest plate after all.

“Are you sure it’s not just the desk job making you slow?” Adriene taunted while feigning another attack.

Cullen narrowed his eyes at her remark, seeing the feign coming and parrying her next attack smoothly. “I still get three training cycles in each day. I think I’m doing fine.”

“Three? With your job? Where do you find the time?” Adriene sounded almost curious as she dodged his counterattack perfectly.

“I make the time,” he grunted, before blocking another blow. “It’s not that much. I used to do double in Ferelden.”

“Six training units a day?” Adriene asked, dancing backward as Cullen advanced on her, swirling out of the way beneath a swing of his sword. “Seems excessive.”

For a moment, they just circled each other. Adriene watched how he kept his shield always perfectly pointed towards her, no matter how she moved, tip slightly lowered as templars were prone to do. It gave them an advantage against fire, water, acid or other liquid attacks, but made them somewhat more vulnerable to attacks from above. One of the reasons she practiced jumps so excessively.

At her words, Cullen just shrugged, without taking his eyes off her. “Not excessive in my view,” he said somewhat evasively.

“Why, were the mages in your Circle so hard to control?” she mocked, but the moment she said it, a shadow crossed over his face.

Too late, Adriene remembered what she had overheard in the Red Sails, of the horrors he had lived through when the Circle had nearly fallen to blood mages. _Shit_.

“I’m sorry, I forgot,” she quickly added. “I was just teasing.”

The look Cullen gave her was a funny mix of surprised and suspicious. “Careful, Hawke. That sounded nearly nice,” he said.

Adriene huffed a laugh before she shook her head. “Can’t be. Bethany is the nice Hawke.”

He seemed to jump at the chance to change the subject, and after countering a few blows, he asked, “You each have a characteristic?”

“Sure,” Adriene grinned, swirling her blades again. “Bethany is the nice one, Carver the grumpy one — or adorable one, but don’t let him hear that — and Cassia is the smart one.”

Another swing of his sword that she dodged, then Cullen asked, “What about you?”

She shrugged. “I’m the funny one. Or aggressive. Loud. Take your pick.”

Before he could think of something to respond, she attacked again, feigning to the right before coming at him from the left. He brought his shield around to counter her and Adriene quickly jumped out of the way, using the momentum to get behind him. For a few minutes, they didn’t talk, just letting the speed and adrenaline of the fight carry them. The dull clank of their weapons, sharp intakes of breath when one of them landed a hit were the only sounds that could be heard.

When they finally parted to catch their breath, Adriene wiped the hair out of her face with an elated grin. This was more fun than she had anticipated, and for a second, she missed Carver terribly. It reminded her very much of their daily training. The few occasions she had to train with Fenris did not come close to that.

“What about you and your family, Cullen? Which one are you? I think Cassia mentioned something about siblings?” she asked, curious despite herself.

“I couldn't tell you, Hawke.” Cullen took in a much-needed breath. She definitely kept him more on his toes than the recruits he had to train. “I haven’t seen anyone in my family since I was a boy. And you can only gain so much from the occasional letter.”

He rolled his shoulders, trying to relax his stance before he got back in position. With a small laugh, he added, “Though I guess if you’d ask them, they would probably make it something unflattering. My sister used to complain that I always had my head in the clouds. I think ‘a useless dreamer’ was the nicest version of what she called me.” He didn’t take the time to think about his family all that often. For a brief moment, it felt especially ironic, given that he was about to start his own. Perhaps he should make the time to answer his sister’s letters more regularly.

“A dreamer?” Adriene sounded skeptical before she started another round of attacks. “Not something I would have associated with you,” she mumbled after dodging a shield bash from his retaliation.

Cullen shrugged as he stepped back and they started to circle each other again. “As I said, I was a boy. Life happens to all of us.”

“Now that’s a truth if ever I heard one,” Adriene said quietly. For a second, she wondered what kind of person she might have become had their lives gone differently, but she quickly discarded the thought. There was no version she could imagine that felt remotely realistic.

The clank of metal on metal as their blades met filled the slowly warming air as the sun rose over the roof of Cullen and Cassia’s house and streamed into the yard where they fought. It was a brilliant spring day, the sky a deep blue with barely any clouds, and Adriene could see the first buds of fresh green in the flowerbeds beneath the windows.

Stumbling back from a powerful sword blow just in time to avoid a bash from Cullen’s shield, she rolled forward and beneath his defense, trying to land a hit over his chest that Cullen just so avoided. With a grunt, he swayed back, and Adriene grinned, breathless as she spun out of his reach.

“Ready to yield yet?” she asked, but Cullen only scoffed.

“Not even close,” he called back.

Adriene laughed. “Still a dreamer, I see. Maybe your sister’s not that far off.” When he only mumbled something indecipherable in return, she added, “You really should cut your losses. Before it gets embarrassing.”

Cullen shot her an amused look, adjusting his grip on the sword. “I don't lose fights. Can't afford to, Hawke!”

She just raised an eyebrow, her grin widening as she got back into an attack stance. “Neither do I, Knight-Captain.”

The little exchange seemed to have given them both back some resolve and the next flurry of attacks had even more fervor than before. But just like before, neither of them could quite best the other. They both landed several hits, and Adriene was pretty sure that they would sport bruises tomorrow.

Eventually, they reluctantly agreed to a draw, both breathing heavily and drenched in sweat. As Cullen gave her the water jar, she could see his eyes flickering towards the house from which there was still no news. Adriene forced her thoughts away from what was happening inside as she took a big swig of water.

“So, what did you dream about?” she asked, and he turned back to her, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. “As a boy, I mean.”

“I wanted to help people,” he answered almost thoughtlessly. It wasn’t something he had actually wanted to say out loud. Not to the woman next to him at least, but the words had left his mouth before his mind had caught up. With a small sigh, he went to elaborate. “My parents wanted me to take over their farm, but I had heard stories at the local Chantry. About knights and people needing their protection. I think I was about eight when I decided that I wanted to become a templar. Thirteen when I left home.”

Cullen could see from the look Adriene gave him that she didn’t think highly of his reasoning, but he only shrugged.

“It was a small village, there were no mages anyone knew of and only a handful templars. No one had any idea of the realities in places far away. Least of all children who wanted to become heroes.” He started to put the training supplies back into the shed one by one. “I did go into this life with the unshakable convictions of a child growing up on stories. With no idea what those choices really meant. Even after years, when I took my vows and fully became part of the order, I still didn’t understand. Not really.”

He wasn’t sure why he was even telling her of all people this. He had felt slightly off guard for most of the day. Both emotions and tensions running high. It seemed to make it slightly harder to fall back onto stoic indifference. When he went to close the shed door, he noticed the slight tremble in his hand. His throat felt parched, despite the water he had just drunk, and Cullen cursed quietly as he realized that with all the worry and excitement, he had forgotten to take his daily dose of lyrium hours ago already.

Adriene had pulled the leather band from her hair which had become tangled anyway, throwing a few hands full of water into her face and neck before redoing her ponytail.

“You know, that’s actually the part I don’t blame you for,” she said, combing her fingers through the long, dark tresses and wrapping the leather band around it to keep it out of her face. “None of us really know the full brunt of reality, know the magnitude of our choices until they hit us in the face.”

There was a quiet gravity to her words. But she truly understood what he meant. Who didn’t want to be a hero as a child? And who could fathom what that actually entailed?

“Carver always begrudged me for being at the forefront of everything. He was so young, and all he saw was the praise from our father, not the blood on my blades.” She shrugged, a humorless smile on her face as she looked up into the sky. “He didn’t understand why I would train him but never let him be the one on guard. I think the first time he got an inkling of what being a fighter means was when we met the first darkspawn.”

Cullen looked at her with surprise that quickly changed to realization, and Adriene nodded. “We were in the army, Carver and I,” she confirmed. “When we heard they were gathering at Ostagar, there was no choice really. He’d have stolen away in the night if they hadn’t recruited us before. And yet… it was only darkspawn. Horrible monsters, stuff of nightmares, all of it, yes, but that also makes the killing easier.” For some reason, it was not the darkspawn that featured most prominently in her nightmares. “Their blood isn’t even red. You kill it, you move on. There’s no mourning family somewhere, no dreams gone silent. Ghouls are harder because you can still see the person they once were, but it’s still not the same as killing a human.”

Cullen knew what she was talking about. Just like he also knew that, sometimes, knowing that it wasn’t the same didn’t keep it from feeling like it.

“You know, they always tell you that an abomination is not a person anymore. That the person that was there before ceases to exist,” he said while looking at a point past her. “But no one tells you that it doesn’t matter when you see them change right in front of you. That some part of you still feels like you can hear their voice and see remnants of their face.”

He shook his head, trying to shake off the memories that crept up unbidden before looking at Adriene again.

“I thought about leaving this all behind me once. After the Blight, there was a moment when I struggled daily with the temptation of just walking away and never looking back.”

“You obviously didn’t follow through though,” Adriene remarked. There seemed to be a hint of curiosity hidden behind her sharp expression. “Do you think you actually could have?”

“I’m doubtful,” Cullen admitted. “You don’t walk away from the Templar Order. You join them for life. Have you ever seen what happens to a templar who tries?”

Adriene shook her head, her eyes guarded. “I can guess it’s not very pleasant, though,” she said nonchalantly, and Cullen let out a noise that was somewhere between a scoff and a chuckle.

“Mildy put,” he agreed. “When they say you join for life they mean it. Without the lyrium… well, you die,” he said plainly. “Not immediately, but you have about two months before you start to lose your mind. Maybe a year before you can’t remember your own name anymore. If it doesn't kill you earlier.”

He could see on her face that she hadn’t known the full extent of it, but it didn’t surprise him. Few outside of the templars did — and it was not something they told easily. And definitely not the hopeful recruits.

“It’s ironic how the training emphasizes the importance of conviction. When the Order has no need for it.” It was probably the hardest lesson he had learned in the past few years. That the desire to do good and meaningful work was utterly unimportant. What use did the Chantry have for ideals if they already had unquestioning obedience instead? But it was of no use to lament that now. Not on this day. Cullen knew it was most likely the lack of lyrium that let him be so careless with his words already.

Adriene thoughtfully cocked her head as she watched Cullen. He continued to surprise her. In a way, she even started to like him. She wasn‘t quite sure what to make of that realization, so she quickly pushed the thought to the far end of her mind.

“Is it a certainty?“ she still found herself asking. “The madness and death, I mean?“

Cullen nodded gravely. “I‘ve never heard of a templar who came out of it.“

Her voice was quiet as she said, “Because there isn‘t one or because the Chantry doesn‘t want you to know of them?“

He started to answer, but then paused as if the thought was new to him. Adriene nodded towards his hand.

“You better go put your shackles back on before you get even more nervous,” she said, but there was no heat behind it.

“The leash beckons with a sweet song,” he murmured quietly before straightening. “If you’ll excuse me for a moment. I’ll bring some tea with me when I’m done.”

But Adriene shook her head. “Nah, I can’t start standing around now. You go do your thing and I make tea, alright?”

He looked like he wanted to protest, then thought better of it and nodded, “Very well. I’ll show you where everything is.”

She just shooed him along. “Go, I can find my way around a kitchen without you.”

As Cullen went into his study, he couldn’t stop wondering about Adriene’s words. He had always taken the knowledge that there was no way for anyone to survive the lyrium withdrawals for granted. Never had he entertained the thought that it could be different. She had raised a valid point though. If it were in any way possible, there was a vested interest to not let that be public knowledge after all.

_Shackles._

Harsh words that hadn’t been wrong either — but for now, he couldn’t focus on that. Not when he had to think about his wife and the child she was bringing into this world, into their _life_ right now.

The daily ritual of preparing and taking the lyrium, followed by the sweet, cool feeling of it in his veins centered him, easing the onsetting ache he could feel in his joints. The tension ebbed from his body, along with the tremble in his hands, and he let out a relieved breath. He could feel the calming cold of the lyrium spread through his body, pushing away the lack of discipline on his mind and giving him back his composure, the feeling of control. Making him feel right and normal again, banishing all thoughts of defiance his earlier state of mind had permitted all too easily.

With his mind his own again, however, he heard the pained shouts and screams that came from the bedroom so much louder than before. Almost out of habit, he sent a quick prayer to the Maker, asking Him for the strength he needed. Begging Him to protect both Cassia and the child. He could hear another wail from the bedroom that spoke of both pain and frustration. With rigorous movements, he put the lyrium kit back inside his desk, locking all earlier thoughts away with it.

If there was ever a time to question his life, it would not be today. _Could_ not be today. He could not take her burden from her, but he would be damned if he would be anything less than a rock for her to steady herself on.

When he came back into the living room, Adriene was already there, having set down a small tray with tea. When she saw him enter, she poured a cup to hand it to him.

“I saw you stocked up on all of Cassia’s favorites, so I just picked the first one,” she said as he took the cup from her hands.

“Thank you!” he said warmly, still somewhat surprised by the realization that her presence in his home and on this day had actually been something… good. The feeling was unexpected, but not unwelcome.

The moment he took the first sip, there was another scream. A very different sounding one. His eyes widened at the same time as Adriene's as realization dawned. Suddenly, there was a noise behind him, and when he turned around, Bethany stood in the doorway with an exhausted face but a wide smile.

“It’s a girl!”

Without further thought, Cullen put the cup back down, not caring that it spilled over from the force he used before he hurried towards the bedroom.

When he entered, he wasn’t sure what to focus on first. Cassia was propped up against some pillows, a thin sheet covering her as she took deep breaths. She looked utterly exhausted, a sheen of sweat on her face, her hair wild. Like she had just fought one of the hardest battles of her life. Further away, Anders and Leandra were wrapping a little bundle in fresh linen sheets. His daughter!

“Cullen,” Cassia’s eyes found his, a smile on her tired face. “You’re here!”

It was enough to pull him out of his indecisiveness. With quick steps, he was at her side, sitting on the side of the bed to gently take her into his arms.

“I was so worried,” he confessed quietly as she leaned against him. “How are you doing?”

“Exhausted,” Cassia mumbled with a happy sigh. “But I’m alright.”

“And so is your child,” came Anders’ voice from beside them.

Cullen watched entranced as Anders settled the small bundle in Cassia's arms. For a moment he could do nothing but stare at the small face, his arms tightening around Cassia as she held their child, their daughter between them.

“This is real,” Cassia muttered quietly, her voice full of disbelief. “I can barely believe it…”

Cullen shared the feeling. No amount of planning and thinking about what would happen, how he would feel when the baby would be born, could have prepared him for the things he was feeling now. For the amount of elation and love that he felt surging through him. It was so much, it felt nearly impossible for all of this to be actually happening. And yet, at the same time, it felt like the most real moment of his life.

Beside them, someone cleared their throat.

“Have you decided on a name already?” came the question from Leandra and Cassia turned her head to look at him. The look of happiness on her face was almost blinding.

“We have,” she said simply, nodding at him to take over. With a smile that threatened to split his face, Cullen’s eyes went from her to his daughter before he looked up to address the other people in the room. Adriene and Bethany had appeared in the doorway, the former with a strangely shy expression as she looked in wonder at the child in his arms.

“I’d like you all to meet Maia.”


	31. Visits and Rituals

It was late when Adriene came home from the Hanged Man. King Barkistair jumped excitedly around her as she made her way into the living room. She was surprised to find both Bethany and her mother still sitting in front of the fire. They each had a glass of wine on the table, and Bethany was holding Leandra’s hand.

“Hey Ria,” Bethany said, giving her a smile.

“Hey, what are you two still doing up? You know you don’t have to wait for me,” Adriene answered, looking from her mother to her sister. Normally, both of them were already in bed by this hour. Only now Adriene registered the subdued mood in the room, the deepened lines around her mother’s mouth that only showed when she was stressed or sad. Immediately, she perked up and hurried over to them. “Did something happen?” A note of anxiousness was in her voice. “Is something wrong with Cassia? With the baby?”

Bethany immediately shook her head, holding up her hand in a soothing gesture. “No, nothing happened, don’t worry. Maia is fine, so is Cassia.” She looked to her mother who sighed.

“Your sister is leaving Kirkwall,” Leandra said.

Adriene paled, falling heavily into one of the armchairs. Her eyes widened in disbelief. “What? Is Cullen being sent to another Circle? But why now? And the baby is barely two months old, even the templars couldn’t expect—”

Again, Bethany shook her head, interrupting her. “No, not Cassia. I am. For a time at least.”

Adriene stared at her younger sister. “What?” she finally managed to say, still unable to wrap her mind around what she just heard.

Bethany smiled. “I’m going to visit Carver. I wanted to do so for a while already, ever since he settled in Amaranthine.” Her eyes got a wistful expression as she spoke of her twin. “I wanted to wait until Cassia’s baby was here. But now that they have settled in with her, it feels like the right time." She hesitated shortly before adding, "And the Wardens have no templars.”

Adriene straightened, still concerned. “Wait, is that it? Do you feel unsafe because there’s a templar in the family now?”

Her sister just raised an eyebrow at her. “Cullen? Please. I’ve told him I’m a mage a while ago already. We’re good.” She shook her head. “No, it’s not about not feeling safe, it’s just… I miss Carver. And I want to be on my own for a while without looking over my shoulder all the time.” Her hands splayed out in front of her. “His commander is a mage, too, and he says she’s interested in having another mage looking over some research she’s conducting there.”

There was a gleam of excitement in Bethany’s eyes Adriene hadn’t seen in a while, and she slowly sank back in her chair.

“Oh,” she said quietly, a bit overwhelmed by the news. She knew it was not the same as Cassia moving out, but the thought of yet another person leaving, of Bethany not being close… it would be the first time in her life that she would be here without any of her siblings. Her eyes flickered to her mother who smiled at Bethany but still looked decidedly sad. Her sister’s face fell as she looked from Adriene to Leandra, and Adriene took a breath, pushing the surprise and uncertainty aside. She stood and embraced her sister.

“I’m sorry if I seem unsupportive, Bethy, I was just surprised,” she assured her with a smile when she let go again. Together, they sat down on the couch again. “I think it’s a great idea, I really do! Carver will be ecstatic to see you again, and I’m sure you’ll have an incredible time. It’s just… the house will feel so empty with everyone gone.”

“Yes,” Leandra said softly, wiping a hand over her eyes. “Maybe I can move in with Cassia for as long as you’re away. Or they’ll come here. I could help her with Maia.”

Adriene frowned, and she and Bethany exchanged a confused look.

Adriene carefully asked, “Mom, I’ll still be here, you know that, right?”

Leandra’s frown mirrored her daughters’ as she said, “You cannot possibly think about letting Bethany go alone!”

Bethany and Adriene’s reaction was instant.

“I can’t leave Kirkwall now,” Adriene exclaimed at the same time that Bethany said, “I don’t need a babysitter, Mom!”

“You can’t be serious!” Leandra said, shocked.

Adriene looked at Bethany and suppressed a sigh. She knew that they were completely in the same boat in this, but she also knew that convincing her mother of it wouldn’t be easy.

“Mom, Amaranthine has a harbor,” Bethany said in that patient, calm voice she always adopted when she wanted to avoid a discussion before it broke out. “I already talked to a few people, and I can just board a ship here and get off a few days later there. Carver will meet me, and again, there are no templars there.” She smiled at Leandra. “The most dangerous thing I’ll encounter will be seasickness. And that’s nothing Adriene can help me with.”

Adriene shuddered as she thought back to the journey to Kirkwall, to the cramped lower deck where they had slept on the bare planks, packed in with the other refugees. Someone had always been vomiting, and soon, it hadn’t mattered anymore whether it was the rolling of the boat on the waves or the stench of too many unwashed bodies that brought on another bout of queasiness. She had been violently sick the whole journey but had refused to let either Bethany or Cassia heal her for fear of someone discovering their magic. It was not an experience she wanted to repeat.

“More likely you’d have to help me,” she murmured, and Bethany’s sympathetic look told her that her sister remembered it only too well herself. Quickly, she shoved the memory aside. “And I have several things here that require my attention,” she added. “None of them can be postponed until we would come back in a few months.”

Leandra’s mouth was set in a stubborn line as she shook her head. “No, I refuse to let one of my daughters undertake such a journey alone!”

Something told Adriene that she wouldn’t have insisted on someone accompanying _her_ , but before she could say that, Bethany seemed to sense that she was ready to argue. She laid her hand on Adriene’s arm and calmly said, “I won’t be alone. I thought I’d take King Barkistair with me.”

The dog who had peacefully snored at Leandra’s feet until now perked up at the mention of her name. Bethany smiled at her. “She was mainly Carver’s, after all. What do you say, girl? Want to come see Carver with me?”

A happy, enthusiastic bark was her answer and the whole back half of the dog started to wag to and fro. Both Bethany and Adriene had to smile. Leandra still had that displeased frown on her face, though.

“Mom, I really can’t in good conscience leave Kirkwall now,” Adriene added, taking care not to say it in a way that her mother would deem confrontational. “I am currently the Viscount’s most trusted liaison to the Qunari since Cassia is occupied with Maia. And you know the situation there is… volatile.”

Apart from the Qunari, there were a few additional issues she had to keep her eyes on — not at least the Tranquil Solution problem. Since Cullen was back at work, they had found another letter, again asking for Divine sanction. Cullen was still collecting evidence and so far insisted on sticking to the rules, but Adriene was sure that soon, that would no longer be good enough. She couldn’t very well leave all of that unattended for however long Bethany planned on staying in Amaranthine.

Bethany immediately jumped on the opportunity. “Even if I wanted Adriene to come, how would it look if we left all your work to esteem our family in this city to crumble by refusing the Viscount’s requests for help?” she asked. For the first time, something in Leandra’s face softened.

“And…” Bethany added, somewhat hesitant and with a slight blush on her cheeks, “Sebastian has offered to escort me as well.”

Adriene’s eyebrows shot up, and she quickly hid a delighted grin behind her hand. It was an open secret that Sebastian and Bethany were more than just close, but so far, all it had amounted to were longing glances and long talks. Maybe spending some time alone with each other would give them the final push they needed to admit to their feelings.

“Sebastian?” Leandra frowned.

Adriene clarified, “Sebastian Vael. He’s a Chantry brother. Heir to the Starkhaven throne, too. But most importantly, a good man.”

Bethany just nodded, and the line between Leandra’s eyebrows smoothed over.

“Oh yes, the one with the beautiful eyes,” she said, a smile tugging at her lips.

Bethany’s blush deepened, and Adriene laughed. “That’s the one,” she nodded.

Leandra’s smile widened, then she leaned back with a sigh. “Very well,” she said. “If that’s the case…”

Adriene and Bethany both let out a small breath at the same time, looking at each other with a secretive smile.

But Leandra wasn’t done yet. “But I expect a letter as soon as you arrive in Amaranthine,” she said sternly.

Bethany nodded. “Of course. And you’ll see, I’ll be back before you know it,” she smiled.

“How long did you plan on being there anyway?” Adriene asked, relaxing somewhat now that the matter was settled.

Bethany shrugged. “I don’t know yet. Through the summer, I think. There’s a ship leaving next month.”

The excited gleam was back in her eyes and Adriene smiled at her sister. For a while, they spoke about Bethany’s plans. Leandra started to make a list of the things Carver had left behind that Bethany could take to him and even entertained the thought of joining her for a while. Eventually, Bethany retired to write to Carver about her plans and Adriene was alone with her mother.

Leandra looked wistfully into the last flames of the fire.

“Are you alright, Mom?” Adriene asked carefully.

Her mother sighed, then she nodded. “Yes, dear. It’s just… it’s hard to see your children grow up. Carver a Warden, Cassia a mother, now Bethany leaving… Sometimes I wonder where the time has gone?”

Adriene smiled slightly, following her mother’s gaze and stared into the flicker of red and orange over the coals. “Who would have thought that a couple of years would bring so much change, hm?” she murmured. Sometimes, she felt like she was perpetually trying to catch up with everything that happened. “I still can’t believe Cassia has a baby now,” she said.

Leandra gave her a look. “You might find it easier to believe if you would visit them now and then,” she said carefully.

Adriene sank deeper into the couch, hunching her shoulders up. It was true that she had only seen the baby two or three times in those last weeks since her birth, but things were still weird between her and Cassia. Adriene was unsure how to act around Cassia. She didn’t want to talk about anything that might add to Cassia’s perception of her as a killer — only to realize that there was little else to her life, with the jobs she took to stay busy. And even though her twin tried to hide it, she had noticed that Cassia was uneasy when Adriene had the baby or when Cullen was there too. Adding that to the feeling of never finding the right moment to visit without waking either Cassia or Maia or disturbing them in some other way, she had mostly stayed away. And with every day she did not go to see them, she found it harder to find an explanation of why she hadn‘t come earlier. And so, days had turned into weeks, and by now, a whole month had gone by without her dropping by.

“I’m not sure Cassia wants me there,” she admitted quietly.

Leandra clicked her tongue. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

She did not answer, and after a moment of silence, her mother added, “Adriene, I know that something has been going on between the two of you. I don’t know what exactly it is, but believe me, Cassia definitely wants you there.” She fixed her eldest daughter with a meaningful look. “She has a newborn child, and caring for a baby is all-consuming, so you can’t take it personally when she is tired or does not have much time when you drop by.”

“It’s not that,” Adriene murmured, still not looking at her mother. Then she shrugged, trying to shake the feelings of guilt and dejection off. She took a breath and said with fake conviction, “I think, Cassia is just happy to finally have a life without me. She has Cullen and Maia now, and no longer needs me. And it’s a good thing! It’s how it should be, after all.” She nodded in emphasis.

“Adriene, look at me.” Her mother sounded stern, and after a moment, Adriene looked up.

Leandra leaned forward, fixing her with an intense look. “Cassia wouldn’t have named her daughter like she has if she no longer wanted you in her life.”

Adriene blinked. She had no idea what her mother meant. Cassia’s daughter was named Maia. How did that relate to anything? There was no one in her family whose name was Maia or something similar. For all she knew, she could be named after Cullen’s mother or sister. For a second, she wanted to ask but then decided against it. Her mother had no idea what had happened between them, and there was no reason to change that.

She just made a meaningless sound and shrugged again, then she changed the subject. “Talking about names, how was the naming ceremony?” she asked.

With a sigh, Leandra sank back into her chair. “It was lovely. You really should have come. A pity that you were out of town.”

Another nondescript sound was her only answer. Adriene had no intention of telling her mother that she deliberately planned that trip to Sundermount with Merrill around that day so she’d have an excuse not to go to the Chantry. Seeing her niece being blessed in Andraste’s name, being smiled at by the very Sisters who, in a few years, might see her as a lesser being and lock her away was more than she could bear.

Her mother’s thoughts seemed to go into a similar direction. “You know, I prayed that Cassia will have more luck and her daughter does not have magic,” she confessed in a small voice.

Adriene looked up, eyeing her mother. “Why?” she asked, even though she had an idea what Leandra meant.

“Well, you know how it is, don’t you?” Leandra said quietly. “The hiding, the fear. Seeing them suffer, hearing the talks of how mages are the source of everything evil…”

“But you don’t believe that, Mom,” Adriene said when her mother trailed off, adding after a pause, “do you?”

Leandra looked up, indignation in her face. “Of course not! I wouldn’t have married your father if I did! But I still didn’t want the same fate for my children.” There was a hint of sorrow on her face as she added, “After all, I saw what having magic and all its consequences did to your father. He often blamed his magic for all the difficulties we went through. It was… difficult at times.” She looked back into the fire. “I knew that our children being mages was a possibility, of course. And it’s not that I wish they weren’t mages, it’s not that. I love them, and I can see the beauty that is their magic. But the world is what it is, and I knew that life would be easier if at least our children did not have magic. For all of us.”

Adriene didn’t quite know what to answer to that. She could understand her mother in a way. Life would have been indefinitely easier if their father had been the only mage in their family. And yet, it was hard to imagine such a life. Magic had been such an integral part of their family, of every decision they had made, had shaped their very beings, that it was impossible to eliminate it out of it, even in theory.

“Your father thought the same. He was so scared of you being burdened like him, of one of you being brought to a Circle,” Leandra added after a few minutes of silence. Her face had gotten that sad, longing expression she always had when she spoke of Malcolm. “When I was pregnant with you and Cassia, we tried…” She interrupted herself with a deep sigh and shook her head.

Adriene looked curiously at her mother. “You tried what, Mom?” she prompted.

Leandra shook her head and sighed again. “Your father had read of an old ritual that was designed to make sure that a child would have no magic. We had just arrived in Ferelden, all of that horrible journey behind us, just because he was a mage. He had been forced to do some work for the Wardens, and it had shaken him.” She wiped a hand over her eyes, lost in memory. “He never spoke about what it was, but I know that he never wanted any child of his to have to go through something similar. So we tried that ritual. I can’t even tell you how it was supposed to work, and obviously, it didn’t. All it did was make me so horribly sick for weeks that we never tried again.”

“You never told us that,” Adriene said softly.

Her words seemed to shake Leandra out of her reverie, and she shook her head emphatically. “Of course not! And I don’t want you to tell them either. Both Cassia and Bethany struggle enough as it is, Cassia even more than Bethany. Can you imagine hearing that we once tried to make sure she would not be who she is?” Again, she shook her head. “No. There is no reason to, either. As I said, it didn’t work, so telling her this would serve nothing.”

Silence fell between them. After what felt like hours but was probably only minutes, Leandra stood up. “I’m going to bed.” She squeezed Adriene’s shoulder as she walked by, pausing for a moment to look down on her. “Go see Cassia, Adriene. I think it would do both of you good.”

She bent down to kiss her on the cheek, then she went upstairs, leaving Adriene alone with her thoughts.

The fire had by now nearly completely burned down, casting just the barest of light. King Barkistair jumped onto the couch, laying her big head in Adriene’s lap, and she absentmindedly petted her. “What am I supposed to do, girl?” Her words were quiet, barely audible in the empty room. It probably was a good thing that she was so busy with little missions here and bigger jobs there, even her friends asking for favors now and then. Without it, she would probably go crazy, not knowing what to do with herself. She had always been one thing: a protector for her mage sisters. Without them… what was left?

A little whine made her look down on the dog in her lap, and she smiled. “I’m gonna miss you, girl. Who is going to sleep in my bed with me when you’re back with Carver?”

King Barkistair had been her constant bed companion since they had moved up to Hightown. Adriene had found that she barely found any sleep when she was alone in a dark room. The elation of having her own room for the first time in her life had been quickly replaced by a fear of the lonely nights that had filled with long-forgotten nightmares. She had always had someone in her room, and until Hightown, she hadn’t realized just how much she relied on the knowledge of someone trusted next to her for a sound sleep.

And so she had taken to having King Barkistair in her bed. It had helped.

It seemed like now she would have to find something else that would keep the nightmares at bay. But that was something she could focus on once Bethany was gone.

“Come on, girl,” she sighed and got up as well, stretching as she did so. “Let’s go find some sleep, too.”


	32. A Slightly Wrong Order

Cassia let out a content sigh as she watched the small bundle of joy and energy in her arms slowly calm down. Maia’s eyes were still wide open, hurrying over everything she could see with a look of interest on her tiny face, but Cassia could feel the by now familiar fatigue setting in that told her that her daughter wasn’t that far off from falling asleep again. She moved her arms ever so slightly in a gentle sway, accompanied by soft humming noises.

Whenever they sat like this and she looked down at Maia’s almost perpetually cheerful face, her heart was wide with love. And yet, in quite a few moments, she felt herself still having trouble believing that this was her life now. That it actually happened. That the absolute wonder she was holding was her child. 

Barely more than two months had passed since she was born. Not much time at all, and yet, in a way, it felt like forever. Everything that her life had been before was so endlessly far away sometimes, it might have just as well been years ago already. Leandra had assured her that her feelings were quite normal. That it was absolutely natural to be so swept up in all of this to a point where she lost her feeling for how much time had passed. That everything would gradually start to feel less overwhelming and more and more normal over time. Her mother had smiled as she had told her all this, looking almost wistful as she had urged her to enjoy the feeling for as long as it would last.

Cassia wouldn’t even know how to do anything else, she realized not much later. It was hard to worry about anything else when all it took for Cassia to be completely lost was Maia looking at her with big eyes and a toothless smile. 

She started to gently walk through the living room, feeling Maia’s movements getting more and more sluggish by the minute. When Cassia turned around, she saw Cullen standing in the doorway, watching her with a content look.

“Have you been here long?” she asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the child in her arms. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

Cullen chuckled softly. “You were busy, and I enjoyed just watching the two of you.”

As Cassia continued her movements through the room, both of them were quiet again for a moment, even though Cassia knew it wasn’t really necessary. Maia had shown that she could sleep almost everywhere, regardless of how loud it was around her, but for Cassia, it was almost a reflex, tempering down her own behavior whenever she saw her daughter's eyes starting to fall shut. When she felt her daughter's even breaths, Cassia moved to the crib they had standing in the living room. With a gentle kiss, she placed her daughter down.

Cullen’s arms slid around her, and she leaned back against him, his chin resting on her shoulder as he looked at Maia with her. 

“She does the same thing with her nose that you do when you are asleep,” he mumbled quietly, and Cassia turned slightly to look at him.

“The thing with her nose?” she asked, and Cullen nodded.

“Just look,” he said, and Cassia did. A moment later, Maia scrunched her nose.

“There,” Cullen said softly. “You do the exact same thing. It’s adorable.” 

Cassia smiled at his tone, relaxing more into his embrace. She was still engrossed in watching the sleeping child when Cullen spoke again.

“I am meeting your sister tomorrow,” he said quietly, his voice much more sober than before. Careful almost. “I was wondering if you want me to tell her something. To invite her over perhaps?”

Cassia couldn’t help but tense slightly at his words. She tried to relax almost immediately, but she was sure he had noticed. Ever since their talk about their past, there was this strange, unfamiliar tension between her and Adriene. It had been a good conversation, a necessary one. But they both had said things, revealed things that had hurt the other to her core. And no matter how much they wanted to put it behind them, it still turned out to be far more difficult than Cassia would have thought.

“I don’t know,” she finally answered. “I am not sure if she’d want to come…” Cassia felt lost whenever she thought about all the things that were said. Her emotions had been all over the place back then. And afterwards, they kept throwing her off guard again and again. 

Despite them having parted calmly that day, it hadn’t taken long for said calmness to disappear. A few days after, she had found herself so incredibly angry at her sister that she had been close to breaking things she was holding whenever she thought about it. It had taken her a while and some late-night talks with Cullen to realize why. 

Adriene had deliberately led her to believe the worst about her. And after her sister had finally revealed that things had not been as extreme as Cassia had thought, what remained had been a mix of feelings she couldn’t bring together into something she understood. She had been so angry at Adriene that she would have shouted out her anger at the first opportunity — but Adriene hadn’t been around much, and Cassia had thought it wisest not to go looking for her in those moments. 

Even when Maia was born, Adriene had made herself scarce. It didn’t help with Cassia’s own confusion. Or her questions. Like why in Thedas her sister could have been so cruel as to make her think she had cold-heartedly murdered someone? Why she had made no effort to alleviate Cassia’s fears and let her think the absolute worst about her.

When Cassia finally realized the most likely answer, it twisted something inside her, making her heart break all over again. After a while, some distance and a lot of thoughts, Cassia felt stupid for not having realized it sooner. Adriene had never seen any reason to correct Cassia’s assumptions because she had seen nothing wrong with them.

Cassia still felt awful for being able to think the worst about her sister, to think her capable of such callousness. But she knew by now that Adriene most likely saw herself in an even worse light. Her sister had looked so hurt the moment Cassia had admitted that she was afraid of her, but Adriene had also not looked surprised. On the contrary, she had been almost resigned. 

It was as if Cullen could sense where her thoughts were going. “Are you still afraid of her?” he asked gently, and Cassia let out a deep sigh.

“No,” she said, but her voice didn’t sound convincing. “At least not in theory…”

She turned around in Cullen’s embrace, letting her head rest against his shoulder.

“I have no reason to. And I know now that I never really had any in the first place, but…”

“But it’s like your head knows this, but your heart still sometimes doesn’t?” he finished her thought, and Cassia nodded. His arms around her tightened.

“I think that is quite normal, Cassia,” Cullen said softly. “If you have feared something for so long, it takes a while to convince every part of you that there is no need to be afraid anymore.”

What he said made sense. Astoundingly much.

“When did you get so wise?” Cassia said with a hint of teasing in her voice, but Cullen sounded completely serious when he answered.

“It’s not wisdom, it’s personal experience,” he said simply, and Cassia knew immediately what he meant. They had talked about it before. Once, in the middle of the night, when neither of them could sleep. How there were moments between them when Cassia’s magic acted up out of the blue, where he had to fight down his first instinct of getting defensive. In a way, it sounded remarkably like her own situation with her fear of her sister. 

She knew it was baseless. She knew she didn’t _want_ to feel that way. And to a degree, Cassia also knew that it had become a bit better already. But old habits were hard to break, and the process was as slow as it was uncomfortable. “I guess I am mostly afraid to ask her to come visit and have her turn me down,” she admitted. “I don’t know what I would do if that happened…” 

“I don’t have to relay any messages to Adriene tomorrow,” Cullen said finally. “If you need more time, then you need more time. No reason to force it.” And with that simple statement, Cassia felt herself relax again. Maybe she and her sister did indeed need more time.

A moment later, she nudged Cullen to let go of her before she took his hand. “Come on,” she said, still quietly, “let her sleep. If we disturb her afternoon nap, she will be cranky with us all night!” 

With a last look into the crib and a content smile, he nodded before following her out of the living room. 

“What do you want to do now?” he asked. “You wanted to go to the Chantry service later on, right? Want to lie down and take a nap before that as well?” 

Not an unreasonable thought. The nights were mostly very short for them these days. But as Cassia looked back at him, she found herself thinking that sleep really wasn’t at the forefront of her mind right now.

“Lying down sounds great,” she said with a small grin. “But I don’t really want to take a nap.”

“That’s fine, we can just talk if you want to,” Cullen said with a warm smile, clearly not getting what Cassia had been thinking about right away.

“Not what I meant, Cullen!” Cassia let out a chuckle as she pulled him along towards their bedroom. 

“Oh!” was all Cullen got out as he followed her, looking surprised for a brief moment before he started to smile widely.

Considering they had been living together for more than four months now, there had been remarkably little opportunity for anything sexual lately. Her body needed rest after giving birth. Later on, the lack of sleep during the nights and his busy work schedule had made some things a lot less of a priority than before. But now they were both here, and Cassia knew for almost certain that Maia would be deeply asleep for a good while. Cassia wouldn’t have to leave for quite some time either, even if she wanted to catch the service. Suddenly, she felt almost giddy at the thought.

The moment they entered the bedroom, Cassia turned around, reaching for him, and a moment later, her lips found his. There was an immediate tension between them when her tongue breached his lips, and she deepened the kiss. 

She tried to shift slightly, so she could wrap her arms around him more comfortably in the exact moment that Cullen decided to push them forward, towards the bed. With a surprised yell, she stumbled, dragging him with her, and a moment later, they both fell onto the bed in a pile of limbs and a fit of laughter. 

“That could have been more elegant,” she huffed before she grinned at him. Cullen’s eyes were sparking with amusement.

“Perhaps. But then I would have missed out on hearing you squeal like a nug,” he said, still in between laughs. 

Cassia felt her breath hitch at the sight of his carefree face so close to her.

“Are you sure you feel up to this?” Cullen asked, looking a bit more serious all of a sudden. “These last few weeks have been stressful. For you more than for anyone else…”

Cassia loved just how much care there was in his voice. He was right about the past few weeks not being very easy. But in her mind, it was all the more reason to do this. To make some time for just the two of them.

“Absolutely!” Cassia had the widest smile on her face. “But there are some things we need to be mindful of,” she added. “I haven’t started taking any potions or drinking any contraceptive teas yet, and while I am not at all unwilling to have more children in general…”

“Maybe not right now,” Cullen nodded, still smiling as his hands started to run along her body. 

“Exactly,” she agreed. With a promising look, she started to unbutton her shirt, noticing the way his eyes darkened as he watched her. “But it’s not like that doesn’t leave us with a lot of other options.”

Cullen kept watching her for a moment, but it didn’t take him all that long to decide that Cassia was moving way too slow. She was pressed into the mattress as he kissed her again, both their hands busy removing their clothes. They untangled and parted long enough to remove the last pieces of clothing. Cassia ran her hand over his hardened length, enjoying the way he shuddered under her touch.

“I think I have a great idea just where to start,” she murmured quietly, gently pushing at his shoulder. “Sit up!” She pulled him with her until he was sitting at the edge of the bed, his feet on the ground. Realisation struck him, and he took in a deep breath as she slid past him, off the bed and lowered herself onto her knees in between his legs.

“Cassia…” he started, his voice sounding rough.

“Hush!" she shushed him. “Let me!” She bent down her head as her hands started softly stroking him. Her tongue darted out, licking a stripe upwards along his shaft before she closed her lips around him. Her tongue flickered around the head for a moment before she took him deeper. One of his hands found its way into her hair, but he wasn’t pushing her to go on. Her knees scratched over the hard floor beneath her, making her position slightly uncomfortable, but she couldn’t seem to care as she tried to take him in even deeper. She took a deep breath through her nose and pushed forward. His legs jerked underneath her hands as he slid past that point of slight resistance and into her throat. The noises he made above her made her feel like liquid heat was pooling through her and her fingers dug into his thighs as she moaned deeply around him.

“Maker, Cassia!” he breathed out, “give a man a warning when you…”

A sharp gasp interrupted his words as she slowly started to pull off him. He tightened his hand in her hair, obviously trying to restrain himself enough to let her set her own pace. She thought she heard another faint _‘Maker!’_ from him when she started moving in a more regular rhythm, bobbing her head up and down in a slow but steady pace. As she turned her eyes up at him, she could see him watching her. His mouth slightly open, breathing heavily, his eyes locked onto hers, and she shivered with lust. 

“Touch yourself for me!” he whispered, never taking his eyes off her. One of her hands slid down between her own legs immediately, and she moaned softly at her own touch. There was something in Cullen’s eyes. She couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was, but it looked almost calculating for a moment before it disappeared again, leaving behind a look of hunger on his face that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

“Imagine,” he suddenly started speaking with his voice sounding almost breathless. “In a while, you will be standing in the Chantry, surrounded by people looking at you that will have no idea what you were doing just before you got there.” 

Cassia went almost rigid for a second as she realized what he was doing, what he was talking about. This should not be something that made her breath hitch, that sent a full-body shiver through her, but it was. Her hips bucked into her own hand as she quickened her pace. 

“Think of how you will feel at Benediction,” he continued, his hand in her hair now urging her softly to go faster. “When you kneel down all proper and pious, all eyes on you, you will remember this…” He had to stop, interrupted by a loud moan as she suddenly surged forward until her lips were all the way around the base of his shaft. She heard him curse softly as he started spilling into her. As she swallowed around him, her hand worked almost frantically between her legs. She let out a pleading mewl when his hands closed around her arms, pulling her up again, effectively stopping her from going any further.

“Get back on the bed!” Cullen’s voice sounded rough and left no room for argument. It made her legs feel unsteady as she followed along regardless.

“I am so close,” she breathed out, pleadingly looking at him.

“I know,” he growled, steadying her, helping her to lie down until she was spread out in front of him and he guided her hand back in between her legs. “Go on,” he urged. “Let me see you!”

Cassia’s breath hitched as he leaned back, letting go of her hand, obviously set on watching her and doing nothing else. A hint of self-consciousness went through her. Did he really want her to… just like that, right in front of him? But her body was humming with need and her fingers twitched almost involuntarily. 

“Cassia,” Cullen fixated her with a look that made her shiver with lust. “Make yourself come!”

It was not a request, and she felt her hand move before she even fully thought about it. A moan left her mouth as she picked off right where she had stopped earlier, fingers rubbing over her most sensitive spot, sending shivers of pleasure through her. 

“Yes, just like that,” came his encouraging voice. “I want to see you fall apart.” 

His words emboldened her. They were so full of excitement and appreciation. Cassia had never in her life felt so wanted, so desired before. She spread her legs just a bit wider to let her other hand slip in between them as well. The deep groan she heard from Cullen as she pushed two of her own fingers inside herself told her that it had been exactly what he had wanted her to do, and she felt the heat rising up inside her at a fast pace. When she reached her peak, she called out his name in between moans as her orgasm ran through her. His eyes were fixed on hers, drinking in her pleasure, not letting her look away from him even for an instant. Not until she felt completely spent.

For a short while, neither of them moved before he pulled her up for a deep kiss. Cassia let out a small noise as she stretched her legs. She would definitely feel her knees later.

“That was…” She was still breathless. “Devious!” Part of her couldn’t believe that he actually did that. Any of it.

Cullen let out a low laugh as they both fell into the pillows. “Perhaps,” he agreed. “But I believe it was very effective!” As if to prove some point to her, he took her hand and led it up to his face. With a smirk she had come to know as being a permanent part of him in the bedroom, he started to slowly lick her fingers clean, one by one.

Cassia’s breath hitched again and she groaned. “You are going to ruin me!" she claimed, biting back another soft sigh. “And filling my head with inappropriate thoughts of the Chantry out of all things! How did you even think to go there?” It had definitely been effective, just as he had said, but Cassia was certain that she herself wouldn't even have known that before.

“A bit of a guess,” he admitted, sounding a bit more serious than before. But there was a hint of amusement in his look. “I got the impression you are someone that gets a lot out of not doing what you are supposed to do…” 

Her first instinct was to argue, but Cassia stopped herself before any words had even come close to passing her lips. His tone had sounded very matter-of-factly — he wasn’t criticizing her or scolding her for anything, she realized. And most of all, he wasn’t wrong. With a sigh, she settled more comfortably against his chest. 

“I guess you are right,” she said hesitantly. Cullen gave her a curious look.

“There is nothing bad about that,” he said slowly, watching her with a careful expression as Cassia sighed again.

“Isn’t there, though?” she asked, sounding almost absent-mindedly for a moment. “People would say it’s not really good or usually acceptable behavior after all…”

Cullen’s eyebrows went up as if he didn’t quite see her point. “People?” he asked before a flash of understanding appeared on his face. “This is between us and us alone.” Cullen’s hand found her chin and tilted her face slightly more towards him so he could look her in the eyes. “It has nothing to do with what other people might expect from you, only with what you like and feel comfortable with.”

Cassia snuggled closer to him, enjoying the warmth of his skin underneath hers. It was a somewhat grounding sensation, keeping her from letting her mind fall into overly negative thoughts, helping her to stay focused on what he had just said. For a short moment, she hesitated, uncomfortable by the thoughts forming in her own mind. Thoughts about the things she had desired that were usually followed by intense amounts of guilt. 

“I don’t understand why I want certain things,” she confessed. “Remember the first time you kissed me in your office?”

A small smile appeared on Cullen’s face as he nodded, and Cassia briefly thought back to that day just after she had found out who he was. She swallowed.

“You kissed me, and I had just found out you were the Knight-Captain, and everything about that situation should have been so clearly dangerous to me that I should have left immediately and never returned.” Her voice was quiet and she desperately hoped that Cullen would understand just what she meant; Wouldn’t think that she regretted not doing that. Looking at him, she saw him only nodding encouragingly, waiting for her to continue, and she felt a flash of relief at his reaction.

“It was dangerous, ill-advised, and something I should have absolutely not done, and I kept telling myself that I just couldn’t help myself. That I ignored all those facts because I liked you so much,” she explained, briefly pausing to take a deep breath. “And I did! Like you so much, I mean, but if I am honest? At least part of why I came back to see you again was not despite but _because_ of all the dangers.” It was a truth that she had been hiding even from herself at the beginning. Never would she have thought to ever say these things out loud, but something about the way Cullen looked at her, without any judgment, made it almost easy to admit those thoughts now. 

Understanding dawned on his face. “You worry what that says about you?”

Cassia nodded. “What kind of person does that make me, that I enjoy…” She swallowed briefly. “And just earlier as well. When you said those things I…”

Cullen pulled her just a bit more against him, hugging her close.

“Cassia, what you might enjoy during sex is in no way an indicator of how you want to be perceived and treated outside of the bedroom,” he said, sounding absolutely convinced of his words. “It doesn’t make you a bad person. Not even a little bit.”

She felt terribly vulnerable in this moment somehow, but his arms around her and the honesty in his eyes kept her grounded. Still, her voice was surprisingly small. “You are certain about that? Because...”

“Because it is not the only thing you feel guilty about enjoying?” Cullen finished her question when she once again trailed off. “I think I may have noticed some things there. But I can only assure you, there is nothing to feel bad about or be ashamed of.”

Cassia gave him a curious look. “Noticed some things? Like what?” She wasn’t quite sure what he meant, what he could have discovered about her. 

He simply looked at her for a moment, possibly thinking whether he should answer her question or wait for her to bring it up. After a while, he seemed to have come to a conclusion.

“Like you don’t always want me to be overly gentle…” he said slowly, and Cassia almost wished he wouldn’t have said anything at all when she felt a furious blush rising up in her cheeks.

“I like you being gentle just fine!” she mumbled, now knowing how to look at him.

Cullen chuckled softly, his hand caressing her shoulder in a soothing gesture. “I know you do. But sometimes you like something else better.”

She didn’t know how to react, how to answer that. Again, he wasn’t wrong. Not at all. But like before, there was a sense of dread looming behind her admission. “I…” she started helplessly, avoiding his eyes.

Cullen didn’t let her. Gently, he cupped her face until she had no choice but to look at him. “Cassia, it’s fine! That’s what I was trying to say. There is nothing wrong with that.”

“So when I would admit that you are not wrong, you wouldn’t think that…”

“That you would generally like that, outside of the bedroom? No, absolutely not.”

There was nothing but openness in his eyes, and Cassia felt herself relax a bit at his words. Could it really be that simple? Cullen seemed to think so at least. In a sudden bout of feeling emboldened, she decided to test the waters.

“Earlier, when you told me to get on the bed, I…” She took another deep breath, pushing away the uneasiness she still felt about saying any of this out loud. “I really liked that,” she said softly.

There was a smile on Cullen’s face and a glint of something else, something more raw in his eyes as he looked at her with a warm expression.

“You liked that I watched you? Or you liked that I told you what to do?” he asked, sounding just a little bit more intense than before, and Cassia swallowed.

“Both,” she admitted, her cheeks still feeling warm. It still surprised her just how much she had enjoyed that.

The most absurd thought went through her head as Cassia became aware of the fact that that their situation was more than a little odd. They were living together. Had a child together. And still, she could probably count the number of times they had actually slept with each other quite easily. It was like they were doing all those things a couple went through in the slightly wrong order.

“It is strange,” she mused as she slowly felt herself relax again. “I am in my late 20s, and I am only figuring out some things now. I never really got close enough to someone before to even consider…” She shook her head. “You know, before you, I never even spent an entire night with someone? It always seemed like something far too dangerous to even consider.” 

Cullen almost snorted as he looked at her with amused eyes. “More dangerous than spending the night with a templar?”

“You just had to point out the complete irony of this, did you?” She couldn’t help but shake her head as she let out a small laugh. “How about you? Did you have these kinds of conversations before?” They had never really talked about any previous experiences before, and she couldn’t help but be curious. He had told her quite a few things about his family, how he grew up, about his siblings and his home village, but she still knew remarkably little about his life before coming to Kirkwall.

“No,” Cullen answered plainly. “I’ve never been with someone long enough to get to this point. A few dalliances, short encounters… nothing more.” 

Cassia suddenly remembered what Anders had told her once. “In the Circle in Ferelden?” she asked curiously. She was almost taken aback by the sudden shadow that fell over his face.

“A youthful indiscretion,” came his answer almost a little too fast to feel right.

“You don’t have to tell me about it,” Cassia hurried to say. There was a brief silence between them, and for a moment, Cassia thought that the topic was over and done with when Cullen suddenly spoke again. 

“There was an apprentice in the Tower back then that I was absolutely infatuated with,” he told her, looking like his mind was far away for a moment. “I wasn’t ever going to do anything about it, I wasn’t even going to tell her, but she noticed anyway. And she was…” He shook his head. “Let’s just say she had an easy time convincing me not to care about all the reasons it was a bad idea…”

Cassia couldn’t help but smile at his words. “Sounds like a feeling I am deeply familiar with,” she grinned. “What happened?”

“She used my feelings for her to ultimately escape the Circle,” Cullen said, and even though his voice was remarkably stable, she could tell there was something behind it. An old hurt still clinging to his words. “I never saw her again.”

Cassia’s smile fell. “That is not what I expected,” she admitted. “It ended in heartbreak then?”

The faraway look in his eyes had disappeared as he focused on her again. “Heartbreak is maybe too harsh a word,” he said with a thoughtful look. “We barely knew each other. And when she was gone, I was furious with her for a while, but now…” He let out a sigh.

“You are not anymore?” she asked, full of curiosity.

“No, I understand now why she did what she did,” Cullen admitted, and she could see that this was not something all that easy for him to say. “I also know today that, regardless of how interested she seemed, I never should have crossed that line,” he added.

Cassia wasn’t sure if she understood what he meant. “Because it would have saved you from getting hurt?”

“No,” he said, looking past her for a moment as if to gather his thoughts. When he continued, his voice sounded very deliberate. “Because I was responsible for her safety. I didn’t see it back then, but the moment I started pursuing her, even if she was the one initiating it, I got her into a situation where she probably couldn’t comfortably and without fear say no again…”

It took a short moment for the meaning of his words to fully sink in, and Cassia’s eyes widened. Her mind went to the investigation he had started, to the things Adriene had found out and had told her about. The small bits and pieces the mages from Starkhaven had told her. 

“But that was never your intention…” she said almost absentmindedly. It wasn’t even remotely the same situation, after all. 

Cullen shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. How could she have been certain of that?”

His words gave her pause as Cassia realized that he had a point. Suddenly, another question was burning on her tongue.

“Do you worry about me being in a similar situation?”

For a moment Cullen paused. From the look on his face, it was clear that he hadn’t thought about their own situation in a similar way before. Just as it was clear from the way he suddenly furrowed his brows, looking increasingly more worried, that he did not at all like the conclusions he was drawing. 

“That’s not the case, Cullen!” Cassia shook her head with determination. It didn’t seem to be all that convincing.

“If you look at this, at our situation, objectively…” Cullen started to argue, but Cassia interrupted him.

“Why would I do that?” she asked, not really waiting for an answer. “I mean, looking at our relationship from an outsider’s perspective? Sure, I get what you mean. How it could look like.” Or rather how it would look like to people if they knew she was a mage at least. “But if you look at this _objectively,_ it means you are missing out on the most important bit of information,” she insisted. 

“Which bit?” Cullen asked, clearly confused now.

Cassia made sure that her eyes found his before she very deliberately said her next few words, “That I love you, and that I absolutely trust you!”

“Cassia…” He shook his head. “That doesn’t mean that the imbalance of power isn’t still there,” he pointed out. It was plain as day that this was an actual, real concern he carried with him.

“You worry that I someday wake up, realize that it is and feel threatened?” she asked carefully.

“It would not be without reason,” he argued. “You’ve seen the reports. You know the things that happened in this city already…”

“Cullen, you have met a mage that seriously wanted to harm you before, haven’t you?” she interrupted him again, her eyes not leaving his.

“Yes?” he said, looking confused again. 

“You know what regular magic can do already. Blight, you’ve seen what blood magic can do. You’ve seen people controlled by it.” Cassia could see the small flinch at her mention of blood magic. She hadn’t planned on bringing up painful topics for him, but this was a point she felt like she had to make very clear.

“I don’t think that has anything to do with this,” Cullen interjected, sounding almost a bit stubborn. Cassia raised her eyebrows.

“Then what keeps you from waking up one day, realizing you are in bed with someone who could snap your neck with a single thought?” she said with a hint of a challenge in her voice. “What keeps you from worrying that your mind may one day not be your own anymore, without you even knowing?”

His eyes had gone wide at her words, and Cassia felt a pang of guilt run through her.

“I’m not trying to bring up bad memories for you,” she tried to assure him. “But if you ask me those questions, it’s only fair I get to ask them in return.”

For a moment, he said nothing at all, an almost tense silence hanging between them before Cullen let out a breath.

“You are right, I have no guarantee for that,” he said slowly.

“And?” Cassia couldn’t help herself and kept prodding. “Does that make you uneasy?”

A shake of his head and the beginning of a smile let her slowly relax again.

“No,” he said quietly before a slow smile appeared on his face. “Because I love you, and I absolutely trust you.”

Cassia could practically feel the earlier tension evaporate around them as she relaxed into his embrace again. For the moment, there were no further words needed as they both enjoyed the quiet calm around them. Thoughts about all the things they had said still went through her mind, but in a far less anxious way than before, and Cassia didn’t even realize her own eyes falling shut before she drifted off. 

When she woke up again a while later, she found herself alone in bed, the place next to her still warm. The faint light coming in through the windows told her that it was much later in the afternoon already as she got out of bed and put on some clothes. 

When she neared the living room, she stopped in her tracks for a moment as she heard the soothing sounds of singing coming through the half-open door. Quietly, she stepped closer, trying to catch a glimpse before she would be noticed. A smile spread over her face as she suddenly understood why Cullen had sounded so content when talking about watching her and Maia earlier that day. In front of her, Cullen was walking up and down the room, a small bundle in his arms. From the soft sounds their daughter made, Cassia was sure she was enjoying every moment of being carried around to the calm melody. 

Cassia leaned against the doorframe, content with not announcing her presence just yet as she kept watching the two of them, _her family_ , she realized with a warm feeling around her heart. They might have started all about their relationship in a slightly wrong order, but Cassia was absolutely certain that she wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Cullen is talking about Amell here, no, she's not the Warden in our universe ;)


	33. A Better Way

The waves sloshed quietly against the boat as it made its way towards the Gallows. It was a hot August day, and the late afternoon sun’s rays danced brightly on the water, emphasizing the soft up and down of the waves. Adriene quickly averted her eyes, swallowing dryly as she pressed a hand onto her lurching stomach. She hated boats, _Maker_ , how she hated boats. Isabela gave her a pitying look, trying her best to distract her by talking about Bethany. A few days ago, Sebastian had returned from Amaranthine where he had accompanied her, bringing her first letter back home. Adriene was grateful for Isabela’s tries of distraction and even more that her friend did not expect any answers. She didn’t really trust herself to talk.

With a soft thud, the ferry bumped against the pier, and Adriene quickly climbed out, glad to be back on firm land. Fenris and Isabela followed, and Fenris laid a comforting hand on Adriene’s shoulder as she took deep breaths of fresh air, and the queasiness slowly subsided. She gave him a little smile and looked back over the courtyard.

“Do you want to come inside with me?” she asked her friends, but Isabela scrunched up her nose and shook her head.

“I’d rather not,” she said. “Those big chains give me goosebumps.” 

“Alright,” Adriene nodded. “I won’t be long.”

Fenris looked darkly at the mages going about their business, but Isabela nodded.

“Don’t worry,” she said with a wink. “I’ll keep him out of trouble.”

“That would be a first,” Fenris retorted dryly.

Adriene chuckled as she started to walk towards the looming, dark building that housed Cullen’s office, thinking about what she was to report to him. This morning, Cullen had heard about a group of templars under Ser Alrik chasing a young mage named Ella who tried to flee the Circle and immediately contacted her, asking her to find the young woman and make sure that she was safe. She had wasted no time and called upon Fenris, Isabela and Anders to go after her. They all knew how it would end if Alrik found her first.

They had relentlessly worked against him and his cronies for the last six months. So far, they had not heard anything else about his Tranquil Solution, and no answer from the Divine had come to their attention, nor had Meredith given any new orders. It had given them the vain hope that Alrik would indeed be turned down. Unfortunately, the lack of official response had done nothing to slow Alrik down. Cullen had worked overtime to overturn several requests for Tranquility, but they knew of at least two cases where Alrik had gone behind Cullen’s back. If he had found Ella before them...

They had found her just in time, with Alrik spewing his promises of horrors. It had been enough for Justice to emerge. And of course, things had turned violent in no time.

As Adriene crossed the courtyard, she absentmindedly rubbed her upper arm where a fresh bandage hid the bloody cut where a templar had managed to land a hit. She’d have to properly care for the wound, but then, she planned to find Anders once she was done here anyway.

He had run away after the confrontation with Ella, horrified of what Justice had nearly done. After they had disposed of the templars, Justice had been so angry that he had turned on Ella, barely listening to Adriene as she tried to talk him down. Anders had regained control only in the last second. The way he had looked at her in that moment was still fresh in her mind. There had still been wisps flickering about him, leftovers of Justice’s emergence, and she had thought she could still see the white magic deep in his eyes. He hadn’t waited for her to say anything, just stormed off, leaving them behind. She just hoped she would find him in his clinic, to reassure him that she did not judge him for it. 

Together with Isabela, she had been able to calm Ella down and directed her to one of their contacts to get out of Kirkwall. All that was left now was to inform Cullen that the mage he had sent her to find would not come back. Nor would the templars that had been after her.

Adriene noticed the bloodstain on her arm just before she knocked on Cullen’s office door. She was still rubbing at it when she heard him call her in.

“Adriene,” Cullen greeted her as she came in. Only when she had closed the door did he ask, “Did you find her?”

She nodded, sitting down heavily in the chair opposite him with a low groan. She still felt the fight in her bones. “I did. She won’t be coming back.”

“Is she…” Cullen raised his eyebrows, but Adriene only smiled half-heartedly.

“Do you really want to know?” she asked. “Deniability and everything. Besides, she’s not the only one not coming back. You’ll find you are eight men short.”

“Eight?” Cullen’s eyes widened at her words. “You better tell me what happened so I can come up with a plausible story for when they are reported missing…”

With a sigh, Adriene wearily recounted what had happened earlier that day. From the way she talked, Cullen could see she was omitting things every now and then. He had his guesses as to why, but it was nothing he was overly concerned with at that moment. His attention was much more focussed on the things she _did_ say. 

“Alrik is dead?” he asked, with a hint of disbelief in his voice. To his own surprise, he realized that his skepticism wasn’t as much about the man dying as it was about the utter relief he felt at that thought.

Adriene nodded. “Him and a couple of what were his underlings, I presume. No other high-ranking templar with them, though.”

That gave Cullen pause. He was beyond certain that Alrik hadn’t been acting alone. That he had support in the higher ranks. Which meant that the underlying problem might still persist.

Adriene was surprisingly quiet and calm for someone who had just been in a fight of that magnitude. He gave her a measured look, taking in the tired expression on her face before his eyes fell to the blood stain on her sleeve.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

Her face changed immediately, eyes narrowing at him, but before she could say anything, he held up his hand and continued, “Not for their deaths. From where I’m standing, they almost got off too easy.” He shook his head. “But you shouldn’t be the one responsible for cleaning up for a failing justice system. I sent you out there, and this isn’t something I wanted you to have to do. I apologize.”

For a moment, Adriene wasn’t quite sure what to say — not even what exactly he meant. “I’m not sure what for,” she eventually admitted since he obviously waited for an answer. “You knew this would happen, didn’t you? I mean, it was clear that there was the possibility of resistance. And that there would only be one side surviving.” She tilted her head, looking at him with a hint of confusion. “If Ella hadn’t been pursued by them, you wouldn’t have sent me, after all.”

“I guess part of me had hoped you’d find her without anyone too closely on her trail which might have been wishful thinking from my side,” Cullen admitted. Adriene was right, there had always been a sizable chance that this would be the outcome.

“Somehow, I mostly thought about you getting that girl to safety. Not what else might be required,” he explained. “I didn’t plan to send you to…”

“To solve the problem in any way necessary? Now, that’s just sloppy planning on your part then,” Adriene said with her brows raised. “Almost a bit naive, one might say.”

With a frown, Cullen mulled over her words. There was an almost uncomfortable silence in his office before he let out a resigned sigh. “You’re not wrong,” he said slowly. “It still doesn’t feel right. To put the burden of that on you, I mean.”

At that, Adriene had to smile, even though it wasn’t a happy one. “It’s alright, Cullen.” He was still frowning, but she nodded as if to emphasize her words. “It really is. I’m used to it. It’s what I do, always have.” She shrugged. “Someone has to carry that burden, after all. But few can, so they send me.”

Something in his face changed slightly at her words, so she quickly assured him, “I’m not blaming you here for anything, that’s not what I meant! Of course you couldn’t go after them yourself. For one, you’re the Knight-Captain, and also, you have a family. So, really, it’s fine.” 

Something on her face made Cullen pause. Made him think back to some conversations he had with Cassia. To the things she had told him. Both about what had happened when they were younger and her current thoughts about it.

“It really isn’t. I can’t deny that this is a favorable outcome, and I agree that it was probably necessary, but that doesn’t make it right to ask this of you,” he said, looking at Adriene. With a sigh, he leaned back and shook his head. “And what kind of awful world do we live in that you not only assure me that it’s fine, but also that you are used to it?”

For a long moment, Adriene was quiet, looking down at her hands. Her fingers found that blood stain again, carefully rubbing over it, watching how the red tainted her skin. Eventually, she said very softly, “I’ve stopped asking myself that question long ago.”

She took a deep breath, then she steeled herself and looked up at Cullen again.

“You know, Cassia said something similar to me a while ago,” she said. “And I’ve already told her: yes, this world is unfair. But as long as it is what it is, someone has to be the…” She interrupted herself before she repeated what she had said to Cassia: _someone has to be the monster_. Saying that here, now, felt wrong. So she settled for, “Someone has to carry the burden.” Another smile. “Thank you for not taking it for granted, though. Believe me, it’s rare.”

Most people just threw her a coin bag or lectured her in some way. And quite a few immediately spoke of what else she might possibly do for them.

Cullen inclined his head slightly. “For what it’s worth, I thank you for your help. You have saved more than one person today.” He could only imagine — if he himself was already relieved to hear of Ser Alrik’s death, just how much more pronounced would that feeling be for others? Those who didn’t have the luxury to only know about his deeds from reading reports. 

But despite all that, he knew this case was far from done. There was still the matter of his accomplices. 

“Unfortunately, this investigation is far from over.” He looked at Adriene who still looked somewhat off. It was her smile, he realized. It was the same one Cassia gave him when she insisted that everything was fine. That she wasn’t hurting about something she was unwilling or unable to talk about. It made some things undoubtedly clear in his mind.

“I promise you, I’ll find a better way,” he assured her. “It’s only a matter of time until I find who else is responsible, but I won’t call you in to do the dirty work again. I will think of something else.” Because no matter what she said, it wasn’t fine. It never would be _fine_.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Cullen,” Adriene said with an almost mocking laugh. “We do what we must.” She gave him a look that was hard to read all of a sudden. “Or is that the dreamer still talking?”

Cullen scoffed, his shoulders tense for a moment. “Do not mock me, Hawke,” he said sternly, falling back onto using her last name almost out of reflex before he shook his head and started to relax again. “Not about this,” he added a bit softer. “You are too cynical…”

“And you are too idealistic if you think that things can be so easily changed,” she shot back without missing a beat. He could only shrug.

“I might be. But what alternative is there? If I accept the world as it is and stop trying to change it…” He sighed before shaking his head, “I might just as well stop fighting at all then.”

For a long moment, Adriene just looked at him. Then, the first real smile appeared on her face.

"You know," she said with a chuckle, "there are moments when I can see why Cassia fell so hard for you."

Cullen blinked in confusion, then a flush crept over his cheek. Before he could regain his composure enough answer, Adriene continued, "Cullen, what we're doing _is_ trying to change the world! I, _we_ saved a girl today, and that's what matters. I won't lose any sleep over Alrik's blood on my hands, nor over his cronies." She shrugged. "Nor was I under any illusions about this being over. And if you find a way to bring the people in power to justice without bloodshed, by all means — I will help you. Just don't make any promises you might not be able to keep." She looked at him thoughtfully. "In any case, it matters that you thought… about me. So, thank you."

“You’re welcome. And you are right, I shouldn’t make any promises,” Cullen conceded. Hope and good intentions alone wouldn’t guarantee anything after all. 

Adriene’s words about Alrik spoke of the same sense of relief he had felt earlier. Her view was a practical and not unreasonable one. He smiled as he realized that this more pragmatic outlook was a familiar one.

“You know, when I first met you I could barely believe you and Cassia were sisters, let alone twins. But I am starting to see more and more similarities.”

Adriene huffed a laugh. “Don’t let Cassia hear that, she’d be upset with you to hear you compare her to me.”

Cullen raised an eyebrow at her words, looking at her as if to gauge whether she meant what she said. “It might not be my place to say anything, but you know your sister idolizes you, right?”

She just shook her head, looking down on her hands, murmuring, “Right.”

Then Adriene stood up, taking a breath.

“I need to go now, I want Anders to take a look at something. Tell Cassia that…” She paused, thinking for a second, then she shook her head. “On second thought, don’t. There’s nothing to gain by telling her what kind of people we have to deal with.”

She turned to leave, but before she could even take a step towards the door, Cullen said, “Adriene, why are you avoiding her?”

Adriene turned slowly, but Cullen only fixed her with a look that demanded an answer. She sighed. “I’m not,” she said quietly.

Cullen frowned. “The nearly two months you haven’t come to see her tell a different tale.”

But Adriene shook her head. “It’s not that. I’m just giving her the space she needs so she can be happy with her family.”

“Adriene, you _are_ her family.”

The words left him before he could consider whether it was wiser to simply let them figure things out at their own pace. But Cullen could see how the distance was weighing on Cassia. And based on how guarded Adriene had become, Cassia was not the only one unhappy about this.

“If you need the space, then by all means, take it,” he said, trying to make it clear that there was no judgement behind his words. “But don’t say it is about Cassia’s needs when you haven’t even asked her if that’s what she wants, because believe me, it isn’t.” He shook his head with a sigh. “She doesn’t know how to bridge the gap, and I can only imagine that it must be hard for both of you. I’m not even sure what I am trying to do here, just… know that not a day goes by where she doesn’t mention you, where she doesn’t talk about you.”

Adriene just frowned at him. She appreciated what he tried to do here, but she couldn’t believe that was true. “Please, Cullen. I can’t…”

“I’m serious, Adriene,” he interrupted her with a hint of impatience.

She blinked in surprise and closed her mouth, suddenly uncertain. It had been nearly half a year since she had found Cassia at Cullen’s home, but it was still hard for her not to think of the way her sister had come at her in defense of him, how she had spoken about how scared she was of her. In retrospect, it had clarified so many situations — moments where Cassia had reacted strangely or given her a certain look that she hadn’t been able to place. And so, it had only made sense to give her the space she so sorely needed and never had, especially after Maia’s birth. The security that there was nobody near her family that she was uncertain of. But if Cullen was right, then maybe that kind of thinking was… if not wrong, then at least not entirely accurate.

Cullen seemed to sense what was going on in her mind, and there was disbelief in his voice as he said, “Just what exactly do you believe she thinks of you?”

She did not intend to answer that, but she couldn’t keep a flicker of pain from crossing her face. 

Cullen sighed. “Well, whatever it is, it’s definitely not true.”

Adriene did not know quite what to think, but it was not something she could analyze today. She was exhausted from both the events of the day and the uneasy nights since Bethany had left and taken King Barkistair with her. But one thing came to her at his words. She hesitated for a moment before she said, without looking at Cullen, “There was one thing my mother said that I was wondering about. She said you wouldn’t have named Maia like you did if you didn’t want me in your life. But I…”

“You’re not angry about that, are you?” Cullen asked suddenly, and her eyes snapped back to him.

“What? No, of course not. Why should I be angry about ‘Maia’?”

Cullen was almost taken aback by her question. What was she even trying to say? It didn’t make any sense to him as he watched the confusion on her face matching his own. Unless…

“You don’t even know…” he said slowly. “Of course, you weren’t at the naming ceremony. Did you even read the invitation Cassia sent you?”

“I…” Adriene hesitated for a moment before she shook her head. “No. I only heard from my mother when it was going to be, and I already had a trip planned…”

With a sigh, Cullen rummaged through his desk drawer that held his more personal items until he found what he was looking for — the official birth announcement that he had planned to send to his sister. Carefully, he handed it over to Adriene.

“I wanted to name her Maia, after my grandmother,” he explained. “Cassia insisted on her middle name.”

For the longest time, all Adriene could do was stare at the name that was written in cursive on the card.

 _Maia Adriene Rutherford_.

It made no sense. Cassia named her daughter after her! Why would she do that?

All of a sudden, her throat tightened and her breathing grew ragged as she realized how certain she had been that Cassia was glad to be rid of her, that she had cut her off without a second thought. But this… this spoke a decidedly different language. Overwhelming relief ran through her, edged with the pain that still came with the thought of what stood between her and Cassia.

Maybe there was a chance they wouldn’t lose each other after all.

It took her a second to remember where she was, and she cleared her throat, giving the card back to Cullen. “Thank you. I didn’t know,” she whispered. Again, she cleared her throat as she straightened.

“I need to go now,” she said, walking over to the door. When she was not looking at Cullen, it was easier to retain her composure, so she barely gave him another look as she grabbed the door handle. “As you said, this investigation is not over. Let me know if you find something else.”

Before he could even properly react, she bade him goodbye, then she walked out to where Fenris and Isabela waited for her in the courtyard. Before anything else, she needed to make sure that Anders was safe and sound. After that, she could try and find the courage to talk to her sister.

And visit little Maia Adriene.


	34. Another Possibility

When Adriene came out into the courtyard again, Fenris leaned against a pillar, keeping a close eye on the mages going about their business. His arms were crossed and he wore a frown that betrayed his discomfort, but it was replaced with a small smile the moment he saw her. He straightened as she walked over to them. Isabela was close by, cleaning her nails with the tip of her knife, frowning at Adriene.

“You look even paler than when you went in,” she said, narrowing her eyes at her friend in worry. “Cullen wasn’t upset about what happened, was he?”

Adriene slowly shook her head, pushing the thoughts about Cassia and Maia away with an effort. Fenris looked at her with a similar touch of worry, and not for the first time, she felt the urge to just step into his embrace.

Isabela seemed to sense something of what was going on inside her and snaked an arm around hers. She had never been a hugger, but she had her own ways of showing support, with freely given touches like this.

Adriene interlaced her fingers with Isabela’s, and gave her a small grateful smile before she answered, “No, he was… I think he was glad to be rid of him.”

She motioned towards the ferry that would bring them back to the harbor, and together, they started to walk over. Adriene let out a small dry laugh as she thought back on the first part of their conversation. “He actually apologized to me.”

“Whatever for?” Fenris asked, curiously. He walked on her other side, close enough that his gauntlets brushed up against her arm.

She shrugged. “He felt bad about us having to fight on a mission he sent us on. He said it didn’t feel right putting that burden on me. Well, us.”

“Huh,” Isabela said, and Adriene threw her a look. Her friend frowned. “What did he expect would happen?”

Adriene grinned. “That’s what I said. But Cullen said that it shouldn’t be my responsibility to clean up for… how did he put it? A failing justice system.”

“He’s not wrong,” Fenris threw in. He wore a thoughtful expression as he looked at her. She waited for a moment, but he did not continue. Adriene’s eyes softened.

“It’s fine,” she said, giving him the same answer as she had Cullen. “I know what you’re thinking, and really, it’s fine.”

At that, a small smile curled the corner of his mouth. “You know what I’m thinking? Is that so?”

A shiver of heat went through her as his eyes seemed to focus even more intently on her, but she quickly pushed it away. “I think so, yes. And no, you asking for my help, to be your backup, was not a burden.”

The way he looked away confirmed that his thoughts had indeed gone that way, but Adriene looked at Isabela. “The same is true for you. Both of you needed someone to have your back, that’s not the same as having me hunt someone down. And I’d do it again any day.”

“Hm, I’d like that,” Bela purred, laying her arm around Adriene’s shoulders and giving her a kiss on the cheek that made her smile. “You having my back, I mean.” The insinuation was clear enough in her voice that Adriene felt both flustered and pleased at the same time. Fenris raised both his eyebrows at them, that smile still on his lips, and Isabela gave him a look without letting go of Adriene. “Same goes for you, of course.”

Before any of them could answer, the ferry arrived. Adriene let out a breath as she sat down in the small boat, glad for the chill sea wind cooling her cheeks. Isabela seemed amused, but there was still a hint of heat in her eyes as she looked at them. 

Fenris looked over the water towards the Gallows during the short boat ride and seemed to sink back into what Varric called his ‘masterful brooding’.

“Still angry about me not bringing her back to the Gallows?” Adriene asked when they had left the ferry behind and walked towards Anders’ clinic. It took him a while to answer.

“Not angry. But uneasy,” he admitted eventually. “She’s still a mage, unchained.”

Adriene drew her eyebrows together. “She’s a girl, having a chance at freedom for the first time in her life.”

Isabela sighed at the defiance in Adriene’s voice. “Here we go again,” she muttered, rolling her eyes, but the other two ignored her.

Fenris slowly shook his head, mirroring Adriene’s frown. “And what will she do when freedom is no longer enough?”

She felt an old anger rise in her at his words. “And what if it is?” she said more sharply than intended. “You want to put her behind bars just because there’s a possibility of her… doing what exactly?”

“You know exactly what I am talking about. Do not pretend—” Fenris started, only to be interrupted by Adriene, who narrowed her eyes at him.

“Yes, I know, but you also know that there is more behind—”

This seemed to be enough for Isabela. “Oh, please, both of you,“ she said loud enough to stop them in their tracks, “just go and get a room, will you?”

Adriene felt her cheeks burning as she looked at Isabela, somewhat shocked at her direct words and not daring to look at Fenris who had fallen quiet as well. Isabela just chuckled as she looked from one to the other, rolling her eyes again.

“I swear, you two are the worst. I don’t even know why I bother.”

“Must be the goodness of your heart,” Fenris said dryly, and Bela laughed.

“More the off chance that you’ll take me with you in that room once you get it,” she said cheekily.

Adriene took a deep breath, her eyes flickering to Fenris, but he didn’t look at her. She didn’t know what to make of that, so she decided to focus back on the things at hand. “Alright, I don’t know about you, but first of all, I’m going to go to Anders. I want this stupid cut taken care of. And to see if he’s alright.”

And just like that, the tension between the three of them eased. Isabela sighed, shaking her head at Adriene. To her relief, Fenris did not offer a comment on Justice’s appearance earlier that day, and both followed her to the clinic.

When they got there, Anders was frantically moving around the room, packing items into a well-worn pack. Apart from him, the clinic was empty, but Adriene’s relief at seeing him was quickly replaced by concern when she realized what he was doing. Everywhere, clothes, scrolls, and books were strewn about, drawers pulled open and half-emptied, even a few of his normally so carefully organized shelves with medical equipment were upturned. 

Isabela raised her eyebrows at the chaos. “Anders! What exactly do you think you’re doing?” she demanded, putting both her hands on her hips.

Anders looked up, pain in his face. He barely seemed to hear Isabela, his eyes fixating on Adriene. “We were wrong!” he exclaimed.

She shook her head, unsure what he meant. Anders abandoned his packing and came over to them. He was clearly upset. Adriene felt more than saw Fenris inching closer, tensing as if he didn’t quite trust what Anders was about to do. Anders noticed and immediately stopped, his hands sinking down. The pain in his face was so pronounced that Adriene’s heart clenched, and she instinctively took a step towards him, only to have him flinch back from her.

“I am a monster,” Anders said with dismay. “A monster. Everything I ever do will be stained by this.” He looked at Adriene. “If you weren’t there, I’d have killed that girl. I will not put myself in that position again.”

Adriene took another step towards him, and this time he didn’t draw back. “No, Anders. You were out of control, but even then you heard me. And you stopped! That’s what matters. You’re not a monster!”

Anders shook his head, his shoulders dropping. “You have too much faith in me,” he said tonelessly. “Without you, I’d never have known who was there until it was too late.”

“You can’t know that,” Isabela interjected. She still eyed Anders with a frown on her face, but he didn’t seem to care.

“Does it matter?” he asked, disgust on his face that was clearly aimed at himself. “How can I fight for the freedom of mages, when I am the example of the worst that freedom brings? And worse, how can I even trust myself to heal anymore? What if that creature of vengeance turns on a patient?”

“It won’t! Why would it?” Adriene asked, laying a hand on Anders’ arm and looking at him imploringly. “What happened was… not good, but it was also an extreme situation. Why would Justice emerge for a patient?”

He looked to the side, his eyes dark. “Justice…” he said, but there was no echo of the spirit in his voice. “Justice has been warped by my rage. I cannot contain him any longer.”

“Maybe it’s time to realize your limitations,” Fenris said, and Adriene looked back at him, surprised that there was no anger or contempt in him, just a careful tension as he watched Anders. But Anders clearly took his comment the wrong way.

“Yes, fine. Kick me while I’m down. Clearly, you’re right about everything,” he spat.

“Oh, get over yourself, Anders,” Isabela shot back, taking a step closer to Fenris in a show of support.

Fenris just shook his head, curiously unbothered by Anders’ outburst. “It was a suggestion, not a condemnation,” he said slowly.

For a moment, nobody said anything. Anders held Fenris’ eyes, but the short bout of anger was gone again already. Eventually, he let out a breath as he nodded as if they had come to an understanding.

“Fenris is right, Anders,” Adriene said softly, her hand closing more tightly on his arm. “We saw what happened, and now we can try to avoid situations like that. Because we cannot let the templars win, not now!”

Anders seemed to struggle with something as he looked at Adriene, then he asked somewhat hesitantly, “What do you mean, not now?”

She searched in one of her pockets until she found the papers she had taken from Ser Alrik’s body. “Here. Read this.”

Slowly, he took them, but instead of reading, he just looked at her. “You’re not sending me away?” he asked apprehensively, the letter in his hand. “Even though I am… that?”

Adriene blinked. For a second, she wasn’t sure she had heard him correctly, then she frowned at him in consternation. “What?” she said incredulously. “Of course not!”

The way his face softened in relief showed her that despite everything they had gone through together, he had anticipated another answer. Adriene shook her head in dismay. Did he really think so little of her?

“Anders, I’ve known who you are since we met,” she said. “Did you really think that I’d wake up someday and say, ‘oh, now that I’ve thought about it, better kick him out’? Just what kind of person do you think I am?”

“I…” he started to reply, only to interrupt himself and shake his head. A small smile appeared on his face, the first since she had seen him today. “Doesn’t matter. I was obviously wrong,” he said softly, his eyes flicking towards Isabela and Fenris for a second. “Thank you.”

Adriene clicked her tongue at him, glad to have broken him out of his dark mood. “Well. In any case, I’m not going to abandon my friends for a mistake that _nearly_ happened.” She gave him a cheeky grin. “If I start holding that against others, what’s going to keep you from doing the same to me? I’m horribly flawed, I make _actual_ mistakes.”

Anders looked like he wanted to say something, but she just nudged him, looking at the letter. “Now read, and then I’ll tell you about what Cullen said when I reported the templars’ deaths to him.”

While Anders read, Adriene sat down on one of the cots, letting out a sigh of relief as she was off her feet. The day had been long, and her body hurt in several places. Not to mention the horrible ferry-ride and the accompanying seasickness — twice today. Maker, how she looked forward to her bed. She might even be able to sleep without nightmares, so tired was she. Carefully, she started to undo the buckles of her armor.

“Oh, we’re undressing already?” Isabela asked cheerfully, and Adriene chuckled, giving her a look.

“Come and give me a hand, will you?” she said. Bela immediately came over, a grin on her face as she helped her. “I just need to get rid of the armor so Anders can reach that stupid arm.”

Anders was at her side in an instant, laying the letter aside. “Why didn’t you say something earlier?” he chastised her softly, but Adriene just shook her head.

“It’s not that bad. Besides, Bela and Fenris are also wounded.”

Anders looked from one to the other, a stern, confident look coming onto his face that stood in stark contrast to the pained insecurity from earlier. “Everyone sit down and let me treat you.”

“It’s not—” Fenris started somewhat sullenly, but Anders interrupted him immediately.

“Yes, you, too. I’ll not have you drag yourself down here only when you’re feverish,” he said, and with a grumble, Fenris came over and sat down on a cot himself.

“Mmh, I like it when men take initiative,” Isabela purred, sitting down next to Adriene, unbuckling her own armor. Adriene grinned, quickly looking down to hide it.

Since she was the one who had already freed herself from her armor, Anders came to her first to examine the wound. Excitement was vibrating in his voice as he said, “I cannot believe they rejected his idea! All of them!”

It took her a moment to realize that he was talking about Alrik’s letter, but then her face lit up. “Yes! And Cullen is relieved too that Alrik has been dealt with, and he will do what he can to find his associates.”

Anders shook his head, his hand glowing with magic as he healed the cut on her arm. “I still cannot believe Cullen is working with us. There was a time where he would have... not agreed with Alrik, but at least sympathized with him.” A thoughtful expression came on his face. “Maybe I should try talking to the Grand Cleric. Maybe she’s more reasonable than I thought, too.”

Adriene nodded. “Maybe we still have a chance at a peaceful solution,” she said softly. “If the Chantry rejected the idea, and we have people working for a better way even inside the templars…” She trailed off, looking at Anders imploringly. She saw something in him flicker — uncertainty maybe, or hope? Or was it Justice? — then it was gone again, and he gave her a smile.

“Normally I would argue with that, but today… after what nearly happened to that girl…” he said quietly and finished healing her wound. “Maybe it is worth another try.”

“She’s free, by the way,” Isabela interjected, lifting her tunic so he could access the various bruises and one nasty cut on her side. “Ella, I mean. We found her after you stormed off.” The way she spoke left no doubt of her disapproval.

Anders nodded, a hint of shame in his voice, an unspoken apology. “I have been wondering about her.”

Adriene pulled her sleeve down again as she went over to Fenris to help him with his armor. “We sent her to Lirene. She’ll get her in touch with Travis so she can get out of Kirkwall,” she told Anders.

“Was she…” Anders trailed off before he could finish the question.

“Scared? Of course she was,” Fenris scoffed. At Adriene’s look, he quieted somewhat. “But maybe the taste of possession will keep her from trying something similar,” he added darkly.

Adriene shook her head and chuckled softly. When Fenris raised a questioning eyebrow, she said, “Well, that was probably the most positive outlook on a free mage that was not Cassia or Bethany that I ever heard from you.” She grinned. “Give us another two or three years, and maybe we won’t even need to fight! Imagine that.”

“Please, no. That would get so boring,” Isabela called out, even as a dry smile curved Fenris’ lips. “Who will I tease then?”

“I’m sure you’ll find someone,” Anders said, giving Bela a look. “There’s always Aveline.”

“Ugh,” she said, rolling her eyes. “No. She’s always so serious. That’s no fun.”

When Anders had treated Fenris’ wounds and given them all instructions to come by the clinic again tomorrow, they said goodbye to him.

“See?” Adriene smiled at him. “You healed all of us, even while talking about templars, and no Justice.” She embraced him, feeling some tension leave him at the touch. “We’ll get through this, alright?” she murmured at his ear.

Anders just nodded. “Thank you,” he said softly before he let go of her again.

She gave him a last smile, then she joined Fenris and Isabela who waited at the door.

It had become late, and night had already fallen when they came out of Darktown and walked through Lowtown. They brought Isabela back to the Hanged Man where she tried in vain to get them to stay for a drink or two.

“You heard Anders, we’re supposed to rest,” Adriene told her, but Bela only rolled her eyes.

“Ugh, rest is for the dead. But fine,” she continued before Adriene could add something, holding up her hands in defeat, “I’ll be a good girl and go to bed. Just for you.” 

Adriene laughed at Isabela’s wink, a playful twinkle in her eyes. “Mhm, maybe I’ll reward you for it soon,” she said in a low voice, and Isabela’s eyes widened in delight.

“You want me to leave you alone?” Fenris interjected with a hint of amusement to his voice.

“Don’t you dare!” Isabela immediately said, giving him a smoldering look. Adriene laughed again, then she leaned forward and kissed Isabela on the cheek.

“Goodnight, Bela,” she said with emphasis.

“Very well,” Isabela sighed. “Goodnight, seagull.”

She winked at Fenris as she turned and walked in with that deliberate sway to her hips that Adriene knew only too well.

A touch of heat was in her cheeks as she turned to Fenris. “Ready?” she asked.

He nodded, a smile tugged into the corner of his lips.

Together, they walked through the warm night, climbing the stairs to Hightown in silence. It was not an uncomfortable silence, but Adriene soon found her thoughts wandering back to the talk with Cullen — and with it, back to her niece, her _namesake_ — and when they reached her home, all of the flirty lightness that Isabela had awoken had disappeared again.

They stopped at her door, and Fenris gave her a little smile as he looked at her.

“Goodnight, Hawke,” he said and turned to walk away when Adriene held him back with a short, careful touch on his elbow.

“Fenris?” she asked with a touch of hesitation in her voice. He stopped and turned back to her with a questioning look.

For a second, she didn’t know how to begin and started to anxiously fidget with the hem of her sleeve.

Eventually, Adriene took a deep breath and blurted out, “Did you know that… that Cassia named Maia after me?” She had wanted to talk to him about it ever since Cullen had told her, but it was only now, under the protection of the night, that she dared to.

Fenris nodded. “I did. I was at the naming ceremony where they announced it.” He tilted his head and drew his eyebrows together. “Did you not know?”

Adriene shook her head, looking at her hands. “No,” she whispered. “Cullen told me today.”

For a moment, silence fell between them. Eventually, Fenris took a small step towards her, a quizzical look on his face.

“Are you bothered by it?” he asked.

To her own surprise, Adriene found herself nodding. And as she did so, she realized that it was true, that she was indeed bothered by it. Something about it didn’t feel… right. Despite Cullen’s assurances.

“I don’t understand it,” she confessed in a small voice. The night wind had picked up, whipping a stray strand of hair around her face. “Why would she do that?”

Fenris knit his brow in confusion. “Why… Adriene, you know Cassia loves you.”

She nodded unhappily. “I know. But you also know what I did to her. And to others.” Her eyes burned. “Why would she burden a child with a name with so much blood on it?”

And there it was, the embrace she had so longed for. She hadn’t even reached for him, but there it was, unexpected and warm; and Adriene reacted immediately, closing her eyes as she relaxed against him. A sound that was neither quite a sob nor a sigh escaped her and his arms tightened around her.

“She doesn’t see it like that,” Fenris said after a long moment, his voice very quiet against her hair. “She knows all you did, and yet you will always be her sister that she loves. For Cassia, there is no blood on your name. None that wouldn’t be trumped by the bond between you.”

Her arms around him tightened, the freshly healed wound in her arm aching in protest as the tender, new skin stretched, but she didn’t care. In these moments, when she was sheltered by his arms, nothing outside of them seemed to matter. She couldn’t quite understand it, but for as long as he held her, she felt at peace.

When he eventually let go, she could feel the mix of tenderness and heat still linger between them, and for a second, she was tempted to invite him to come in. The thought of going alone to her empty room with the cold bed to lay awake until exhaustion took her was not very enticing. But the moment was gone before she could come to a decision.

“Do you think she would talk to me?” she asked instead. “If I went to her?”

Fenris inclined his head. “I am sure of it.”

Adriene gave him a small smile. “Alright,” she murmured. “Thank you.”

For a moment, it looked like he wanted to say something else, or reach for her, but he only took a small step back. “Goodnight, Adriene,” he said softly.

“Goodnight.”

She watched him until he disappeared around the corner. Only when she could no longer hear his steps did she slowly turn to unlock the door and went inside.


	35. Try Again

Despite Fenris’ reassurances and what Cullen had said, it took Adriene another few days to gather her courage to go and visit Cassia. It was too easy to get lost in the every-day duties and rituals, in the hours-long planning with Anders, or the small patrols and resulting fights to keep her friends safe.

But even when she wiped away the blood from a split lip, lay awake in the room that she no longer could bear completely dark, or read another page of what Anders had written, her thoughts kept coming back to Cassia. She found herself taking out the card that her sister had written her, the invitation to the naming ceremony in the Chantry, and staring at the name with something like wonder and dread at the same time.

Adriene knew that this was nothing she could just ignore until it went away, though. Nor did she want to. She _wanted_ to talk to Cassia, needed to find the way back to the ease they had once shared, the wordless understanding between them… but the lingering fear that it might no longer be possible kept her away. Somehow, the uncertainty seemed easier to bear than a potential loss of what was still between them.

It was a warm summer morning that promised to turn into a hot day when she found herself in the marketplace. Another fitful night lay behind her, and she had only truly fallen asleep when the sun had been up and the first sounds from the streets had come in. Her mother, however, did not approve of sleeping away the whole day, as she put it, and had woken her halfway through the morning. Now, Adriene was on the hunt for something so full of sugar that it would chase away the tiredness that still clung to her limbs. With a bit of luck, the Antivan who sold freshly brewed coffee with a variety of spices or cream would be there today, too.

She weaved through the many people in the marketplace, giving some templars a wide berth and a smile to several people she knew, when a familiar smell made her perk up. Sweet and heavy, it made her mouth water. Without thinking, she followed it until she found its source. Fresh waffles. It had been a holiday treat back when they were children — long before any magic had surfaced — and the smell brought back memories of easier days and laughter. And suddenly, she knew that she would bring Cassia some.

It was a new stall with a plump, dark-skinned woman behind it who sold a variety of baked goods as well as the fresh waffles. Her long hair was bound in many braids down her back, and she had a hot iron in front of her. Several pots with various fruits or sweets were placed on the stall, and she was talking animatedly to the group of customers before her. Adriene wasn’t the only person who had been drawn by the smell, and she had to wait in line for several minutes. Her eyes shone when it was finally her turn, and her stomach growled, reminding her that she hadn’t had breakfast yet.

It was a spur of the moment that had her order a whole bunch of them, and several of the toppings; ranging from cherries to sugary sprinkles and honey, from cinnamon to sautéed apples.

“Are you sure, messere?” the woman asked. “They won’t be hot for long, and believe me, they are best when hot.”

Adriene smiled. “I know. But I don’t have far to go, and I want to bring my sister some.” _Who can heat them easily enough if necessary_ , she thought.

It was not long after that she stood in front of Cassia’s home, knocking quickly before she could change her mind. As she waited for her sister to open the door, she fiddled nervously with the basket and the fabric the waffles had been wrapped in, pulling at a loose thread and shifting her weight from one foot to the next. _Maker,_ she hoped that Fenris was right and Cassia wanted indeed to talk to her and would not just shut the door in her face.

 _No,_ Adriene admonished herself, trying to fight the cold dread down that threatened rise. No, of course Cassia would not just shut the door in her face. That was ridiculous.

She squared her shoulders and forced herself to keep her hands still.

There was still no answer.

Adriene’s hands tightened around the basket until the white of her knuckles showed as she realized that she had no idea whether Cassia was even at home. She could be at the market herself, now that she thought about it. Or getting breakfast with Merrill, as she knew they did regularly. Her heart sank, and she swallowed hard. It would just be her luck if the one day she had gathered her courage to visit Cassia, her sister wouldn’t be home.

Adriene hesitated, then she knocked again, more softly. Maybe Cassia just hadn’t heard her.

Another long moment of tense silence later, her face fell. _Fuck._ It seemed like Cassia was indeed not there.

She started to turn in disappointment when a sudden sound made her perk up, and a rush of nervous hope flooded through her as the door opened. _Cassia._

For a second, Cassia just stared at her, and Adriene quickly put a smile on her face.

“Hey Cassia,” she said softly, raising the little basket in her hands. “I… uhm, I brought waffles.”

“Waffles?”

Cassia wasn’t sure what exactly was happening. The heavy feeling of having just woken up made her feel sluggish and slow. But the warm breeze coming from outside, carrying the smell of one of her favorite foods made sure she knew she was no longer sleeping. Even if the presence of Adriene at her doorstep had hinted at that.

A tentative smile formed on her face as she looked at her sister. Her visit was certainly unexpected, but not at all unwanted. On the contrary. Quickly, she stepped aside, opening the door wider as she motioned for Adriene to enter.

“Please come in,” she said, before hastily smoothing out her ruffled hair and dress. “I apologize for looking like I just fell out of bed, but I was up really early, and the night was so short. I fell asleep on the sofa as soon as Maia started napping…”

Cassia was aware that she started rambling. Nervously, she looked at Adriene. 

“It is good to see you,” she said quietly.

Adriene gave her sister a careful smile, still a bit uncertain about what to feel. Only now did she realize just how much she had missed seeing Cassia, how _right_ it felt to be in her presence. “Yes, I... thought it was about time. And I’m sorry I woke you, _again_.” She pulled a face and put the basket down on the table. The last two times she had come to visit Cassia, she had woken her. Once both her and Maia. She turned to Cassia with an apologetic face. “It seems I have a talent for coming at the wrong time. I can come back at another time, if you want to.”

Quickly, Cassia shook her head. “No! No, really. I hadn’t intended to fall asleep anyway. And waffles sound amazing, really.”

Adriene’s smile widened in relief. “Alright then,” she said. “What do you say to me making coffee while you freshen up?”

“That would be great,” Cassia answered with a relieved smile. For a moment, she had feared that Adriene would simply decide to leave again, but for now it seemed like her sister was staying. At least for a while. “I’ll be right back,” she mumbled, before leaving her sister to make coffee.

A brief check on the living room assured her that Maia was still napping peacefully. Cassia’s thoughts were racing as she scrubbed her face with cold water a few moments later. How often had she imagined Adriene being here lately? She felt like her mind had been going over this particular scenario hundreds of times already, and yet, she felt remarkably unprepared. As she exchanged the wrinkled dress she had fallen asleep in for fresh clothes, she shook her head at herself. It didn’t matter what she had imagined, after all. Adriene was here _now_. She took a deep breath, and a smile spread over her face as she made her way back into the kitchen. She would find the words.

“You really don’t need to feel bad about waking me,” Cassia assured her sister again as she entered the kitchen. Adriene was still busy with the coffee, and Cassia went to take out two plates, setting the table for them. “Seriously, I fall asleep everywhere, the moment it is somewhat quiet around me,” she tried to fall into a casual, light conversation. Something to break the ice and the underlying tension that was still there. With a small grin, she added, “Not just me actually. I think Cullen fell asleep at his desk last week.”

Adriene snickered. “I can’t believe that to be true. You’d have heard the sound of him swearing because of all the papers falling down all through Kirkwall. Have you seen his desk? It’s a mess!” She threw her sister a look, glad to see her grinning along. It lightened some of the heaviness that still lay on her heart, the uneasiness that felt suspiciously like guilt. “And also, I envy you for the talent to fall asleep whenever. I wish I could. Mom has basically thrown me out of bed and the house this morning, saying I shouldn’t sleep the day away.” She wrinkled her nose. “I think I was asleep for an hour, maybe two, before she stormed in.”

The smell of fresh coffee filled the kitchen, and with the ease and routine that came from years of living together, Adriene filled two cups that Cassia gave her. She inhaled the warm, heady smell with relish as she sat down at the table, heaping spoonfuls of sugar into her cup. Normally, she didn’t take sugar, but today, she felt she needed it.

“Long night?” Cassia asked, and Adriene shrugged, stirring her coffee.

“In a way. I don’t sleep well these days.” She shrugged again. Taking a sip of her coffee, she started to look over the toppings for the waffles. “What about you? Is Maia still keeping you so busy?”

“A bit,” Cassia smiled, “though Mom keeps assuring me that Maia is apparently a peaceful lamb compared to you and me. Doesn’t get tired of informing me of that actually.” She chuckled lightly as she saw Adriene rolling her eyes in sympathy. 

“And you know there is a lot going on in the Gallows, so Cullen works a lot. Meaning that the time at night when Maia is actually asleep, the only time we could actually get some sleep is also really the only time we have just for us…” With a small shrug, she put one of the still slightly warm waffles onto her plate. “I never thought that balancing time would be that much of an issue beforehand,” she admitted. 

When she looked at Adriene, she could see her sister looking just as tired as she herself felt most days lately. 

“I would offer you sanctuary from Mom’s sleep interruptions, but I doubt you’d get more sleep here. Maia has Carver’s lungs, I’m afraid…”

Adriene chuckled. “I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I wouldn’t dare to impose on the rare alone-time you and Cullen have, not even by pure proximity.” She gave Cassia a smile. “But thank you nonetheless. It’s...” She trailed off, looking down into her coffee. “It’s more than I deserve after making myself absent for so long.”

For a moment, an uncomfortable silence stretched, and Adriene didn’t dare look at her sister. Then, Cassia said, more softly than Adriene had anticipated, “Why did you?”

Adriene sighed, still not daring to look up. “I thought…” she continued, taking a deep breath. “I thought you’d appreciate the time alone with your family without me as a constant reminder of… well, of what happened so far.” Only now did she gather her courage and looked at Cassia, her eyes shimmering with anxiousness. “I didn’t know, Cass. About the name,” she added very quietly.

“You didn’t get the invitation?” Cassia asked carefully, but when an uncomfortable look fell over Adriene’s face, she understood. “You didn’t even open it…”

Cassia’s voice was quiet as she spoke, but there was no judgement in it. Part of her wasn’t surprised. Adriene was a master of ignoring and avoiding things she didn’t feel comfortable dealing with after all. Something Cassia knew all too well, mainly because it was a trait they both shared. It wasn’t like she hadn’t done her own share of avoidance and running away from topics in that regard.

“It’s almost a relief then, to hear that you didn’t know,” she said tentatively. When Adriene gave her a curious look, Cassia went on to explain, “I didn’t hear anything from you, you stopped coming to see me and then your absence at the naming ceremony…” She let out a small sigh before looking into her sister’s eyes. “I thought you were perhaps angry at me.”

Adriene’s eyes widened. “No, Cass, I didn’t stay away because I was angry! Why would you even think…”

“Because I was,” Cassia interrupted her with a quiet confession. “For a little while. After our talk? I was so angry at you…” There was a painful hitch in her voice as she forced herself to keep looking at Adriene. This was important. She needed to tell her sister this.

“It’s why I didn’t come to you for a little while. Why I ignored you when I moved out. Why I only visited Mom when I knew you would be somewhere else. And then it had suddenly been a few weeks, and I wasn’t angry anymore, but I didn’t know what to do or say, and then Maia was born, and so many things happened…” 

A deep breath. Cassia needed it to keep herself from losing the remains of her composure. It would do them no good if she couldn’t talk anymore because she was too busy crying. Adriene’s eyes had a pained look to them, and Cassia knew she had to say more. She could not let her sister make assumptions that would maybe cause her to leave again.

“I was angry at you because you let me believe all these horrible things about you,” she confessed. “Because I thought for a while that you did it on purpose. Maybe to keep me at arm’s length. For whatever reason… But I know that wasn’t what you wanted, it just took me a while to understand.” She swallowed, fighting down the treacherous feeling of tears gathering in her eyes. “It was terribly unfair of me, and I am so sorry, Adriene. I hope you can forgive me.”

“Forgive you?” Adriene asked softly, then she shook her head. “No, there’s…”

A shadow fell over Cassia’s eyes as she drew in a sharp breath, and Adriene realized that she had misunderstood. Quickly, she took her sister’s hand, pressing it softly, before Cassia could get up. “No, Cass, there’s nothing to forgive, I mean.” She saw the tears in her eyes and, suddenly, her throat closed as well. Her heart was heavy, but she wasn’t surprised by what Cassia had said. It had been exactly why she had kept away herself, after all — the feeling, no, the _knowledge_ that Cassia needed her to stay away. “You have every right to be angry at me. To not want to see me.” What she had done was unforgivable, after all.

When she felt that Cassia wouldn’t get up, she let go of her hand again, closing them around her coffee cup again to keep them busy. “And if you want to, I can…” For a second, she faltered, before she cleared her throat and nodded in emphasis of her words. “I can still keep away. I understand, truly.”

Cassia looked at her with shimmering eyes, but before she could answer, Adriene added, “Just one thing I need you to know. I didn’t come to the naming ceremony, but not because of you. But because I can’t pretend to be friendly to those lying fiends in the Chantry.” She pressed her lips together for a second. She had stopped going to the services or believing in the Chantry long ago, but the birth of her niece had struck a new nerve in her. “Today, they pretend to bless her, today, they smile. But if she has magic, they will wish she’d never be born. I couldn’t…” Adriene shook her head, fervor in her voice. “I couldn’t stand there, pretending it was a happy ceremony. Not even for your sake. I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” was all Cassia could get out at her sister’s explanation. It wasn’t like it was a new stance from Adriene, Cassia had known her sister’s position on the Chantry and its treatment of mages for many years. She and Adriene had never quite seen eye to eye on those matters, but as she let her sister’s words sink in, Cassia realized that she didn’t feel as opposed to Adriene’s thoughts as she had in the past. She didn’t agree with her, but something about what Adriene had said struck a chord with her. One that she didn’t quite know how to place yet.

“That’s…” she started before shaking her head and trying anew. “It’s your prerogative. You know I don’t fully agree with your stance, but I can respect that,” she said carefully. It was something she would have to think about more at another time.

“But, Adriene, I think you misunderstood me earlier.” It was the more important part of what Adriene had said. The part where Cassia _did_ know her exact feelings about. 

“Look, I thought you wanted to put a wall up between us back then,” she explained. “And so I put up my own and thought that it would help — but it didn’t! It didn’t help one bit. On the contrary, it made everything so much worse.” With an imploring tone in her voice, she looked at her sister.

“Adriene, I don’t want to stay away from you. Just like I don’t want you to keep your distance.” Her eyes were burning with both unshed tears and determination. “I always want you close, and I always want you to be there, right next to me, and I think that both of us trying to keep our distance was the worst thing we could have done.”

At Cassia’s words, something in Adriene loosened. All the tension, the nervousness, and fear seemed to fall off her, and without forewarning, she burst into tears.

“I’m sorry,” she said immediately, wiping at her cheeks in a futile attempt to rein the tears in. “I’m sorry, I just… Ugh, fuck this,” she blurted out, her voice more sobs than coherent words. She took a deep breath, then tried again. “I half expected you to throw me out.”

As she said it, she realized just how true it was. She had not half, she had _fully_ expected Cassia to throw her out, to tell her to never come close to her or her family ever again. Hearing now that she couldn’t have been more wrong made her aware of how tense she had been ever since their talk, how perpetually clawing for composure, when all she had wanted was her twin next to her.

She didn’t know who reached for whom, but the next moment, they were in each other’s arms. With a sob, Adriene buried her face at Cassia’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Cassia,” she said in tears, holding on to her as if it meant her life, “I’m so sorry for all I did to you. I didn’t mean to, I swear.” Her arms tightened around her twin. “I miss you so much.”

“I miss you, too.”

The moment that she felt her sister’s touch, Cassia was unable to hold back her own tears. Her arms came around Adriene, and she was holding her in a hug that was almost fierce in its intensity. All the worries and the agonizing over their situation from the past few months fell off her as she held her sister close. It was true. She had missed Adriene like nothing else. In a way, she had been missing her, missing the way she felt right now since they had been sixteen years old.

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me,” she mumbled quietly against Adriene’s hair. “I know you only ever wanted to protect me, and I am sorry that I couldn’t always see that.”

Adriene could only nod, tears still falling from her lashes as she held onto Cassia. Her tiredness made her even more susceptible to the emotions running through her, to the relief and sadness at the lost time. But slowly, her sobs subsided to a hiccup, and she disentangled herself from her sister, wiping over her cheeks and nose.

“Ugh,” she sniffed heavily, blinking the last tears away, “I think — I better — wash myself.” She reached for a tissue to blow her nose. A little, still slightly teary chuckle escaped her as the tears gave way to a lightness around her heart she hadn’t felt in weeks. “I don’t want — Maia to think her aunt is — a blotchy, swollen monster. Also, I really don’t like salty, wet waffles. Ah, finally, the stupid hiccup is gone.” She gave Cassia a grin that quickly softened into a relieved smile, as she shook her head. “Why haven’t we done this weeks ago already?”

“Because we are idiots?” Cassia dried off the remainder of her tears with her sleeve before taking a deep breath.

“Let’s go with ‘infamous Hawke stubbornness’, that doesn’t sound quite as bad,” Adriene proposed with a grin, and Cassia chuckled.

“Agreed,” she said, before adding, “Maker, Fenris is going to be insufferably smug about this.” Cassia shook her head. “I can already hear the ‘I told you so!’...” A small grin appeared on her face as she looked at Adriene. “That man can nag like no one else I know, but now I kind of wish I’d listened to him.” There was nothing but gratefulness and honesty on her face as she spoke. “I can’t tell you how glad I am that you decided to come here!”

“So am I,” Adriene breathed with a smile. She went over to the kitchen sink to splash some cold water into her face, adding, “And ‘smug’ isn’t even going to cover it. Though from what you’re saying, I got off easy. Did he really nag you about talking to me?” She thought she managed to keep the brunt of her curiosity out of her voice, but from Cassia’s look, her sister had still caught up on it. Quickly, she concentrated on drying her hands as she walked back to the table, ignoring the heat in her cheeks.

“You should have heard him go on just yesterday…” Cassia said with a small grin. “He went from offering to take Maia for a long walk so we would have time to threatening to lock us both into his wine cellar until we started talking.” At Adriene’s slightly widened eyes, Cassia shrugged. “He lost his patience a bit when the topic kept coming up… Was he as bad with you?”

When Adriene didn’t answer, Cassia gave her a curious look.

After a moment, her sister shook her head. “No, as I said, I got off easy.”

Cassia wasn’t sure what exactly it was that she could hear underneath Adriene’s deliberately light tone. When she thought about how Fenris had insisted on her talking to Adriene over and over again, she couldn’t help but smile.

“Of course he didn’t bug you like that,” she murmured quietly. “He is not that careless.”

Despite her soft tone, Adriene had heard her and was looking up at her words. “What do you mean?”

Cassia chuckled. “Oh come on, as if he would ever….” She paused briefly, struck by the hint of unease she saw on her sister’s face. “Adriene,” she said with a chuckle, “you know what happens when one of our friends gets on my nerves by bugging me with something I don’t want to deal with or am uncomfortable with?”

At that, Adriene let out a laugh. “Usually, you throw something at their head.”

“Exactly,” Cassia said triumphantly. “Mind you, I have impeccable aim by now. Anders made sure of that.” She sent her sister a wink before getting a tad more serious. “But when _you_ don’t want to deal with something? You leave.” Before Adriene could interject, Cassia continued, “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, it’s just how it is. It’s like you lock some door in front of you, and part of you just goes away. Even if you are still hanging around, laughing at some jokes.”

Her voice had gotten quieter again, but there was a warmth behind her words stemming from the almost soothing knowledge that she knew Adriene almost as well as she knew herself. And the quiet satisfaction that there was someone else out there that cared enough to know and learn the same things about her sister.

“Fenris is pushy with me because the most he has to fear is not being able to duck in time. But with you?” Cassia shook her head before giving Adriene an almost secretive smile. “He’d never risk making you leave…” 

Adriene blinked, the heat in her cheeks getting more pronounced. “I… that... “ she spluttered, shaking her head. “No, that’s just not… I mean, often enough he leaves himself. When we fight. But…” She trailed off, unsure of what she even wanted to say. Or what _Cassia_ wanted to say, for that matter. Or what she hoped Cassia wanted to say. Again, she shook her head.

Everything concerning Fenris and herself was such a tangled, emotional uncertainty that she had given up trying to make sense of what she was feeling. It was not like it made a difference, anyway. She hadn’t changed her mind concerning relationships, after all. Not that he had given her any signs that he would even consider having one with her, on the contrary. So far, the only thing that was abundantly clear was that no matter the attraction between them, they deliberately kept apart.

But as she spoke of it, she realized that their fighting had lessened a lot. Not that they were suddenly of the same mind when it came to mages and their treatment, but the heat and anger that had lain behind it in the beginning had… not disappeared, but softened. As if they had come to a basic understanding of what the other was trying to say. And it had been quite some time since one of them had stormed off in anger.

Adriene took a breath. “In any case, not nagging seems to have worked better than the nagging,” she said in a light-hearted tone. 

“So it would seem,” Cassia said with an amused nod. She could see her sister had been somewhere else with her thoughts for a moment, but it looked like something Adriene had no desire to talk about right at this moment. 

“To be fair, I have found a great way of making him stop saying anything negative at all to me,” she said in a slightly conspiratorial tone. 

“Oh, do tell!” Adriene prompted with a grin appearing on her face.

“It’s rather easy,” Cassia chuckled. “I just ask him to hold Maia for a while. It’s like he becomes physically incapable of saying anything bad or even raising his voice. Works wonders on Cullen, too. Not so much on Isabela, she just pretends that Maia is on her side, and she is arguing for both of them.” 

Adriene laughed, a carefree sound that reminded her just how long she hadn’t laughed as openly. She could perfectly picture both Cullen and Fenris going soft and forgetting everything around them the moment they had a child in their arms. “Maker, that’s… That’s perfect! I need to borrow Maia!”

Cassia just grinned at her and shook her head with a shrug. “Sorry, but there’s no way you’re taking my daughter to the Hanged Man.”

Adriene chuckled, a glint in her eyes. “Well, then we need to take our arguments here, I guess.”

At that moment, a very distinctive cry could be heard from the living room. “I think she just agreed with me,” Adriene grinned, getting up already before she hesitated, remembering the anxious look she had gotten the last time she had taken Maia. So instead of asking whether she should go and get her, she settled for, “Do you want me to come with you?”

When Cassia saw the slight apprehension on her sister’s face, she smiled. How silly her previous behavior had been, she thought. As if there was any doubt about just how genuinely Adriene cared.

“Would you mind and pick her up while I clean all this away?” she said with a gesture at the table. At Adriene’s slight hesitation, she nodded encouragingly. “If I leave this standing around, I’ll forget about it later. I’ll be right with you.”

“Are you sure?” Adriene still asked, and Cassia tsked at her.

“Yes!” she said, making a shooing gesture. A smile lit up Adriene’s face as she nodded.

She made her way into the living room, where Maia’s clear protest at being alone could be heard. For a second, Adriene paused as she saw the crib in which her niece lay. It was the one she had built with Fenris, but it had come a long way from the crude thing that Cassia and Cullen had seen in the making. It had been a joint effort, with Anders, Merrill, and Bethany adding little enchantments for calmness and relaxed sleep over runes that Sandal had made. They were inlaid with turquoise from Starkhaven and embedded in distinctive Dalish carvings. The upper rim curved in an approximation of waves, and Isabela had insisted on a kind of figurehead. The delicate mermaid that had been carved out was giving the whole crib the semblance of an elegant ship. Leandra had sewn curtains from cloth in the traditional red of their emblem. Varric had made a mobile with beautiful stones that shimmered slightly in the light and of which he refused to say where he got them from.

The sway of the mobile didn’t soothe Maia, though. The baby was still crying as Adriene went over to her.

“Hey, little one,” she said softly as she carefully took her out of the crib, cradling Maia’s head on her arm. “Oh wow, you have grown so much since I last saw you.” Wonder was in her voice as she looked at the little girl that had a distinctive resemblance to Cassia, from the curve of her lips to the dark curls on her head. Just her eyes were a definite inheritance from her father. The last time she had seen Maia, she had still mostly been asleep. Now, there was a clear awareness in her eyes, and her rounded features had gotten a distinct look that hinted at how she would look like in a few years.

For a moment, Maia seemed distracted by the strange woman carefully rocking her, looking up at her with wide eyes. Then she decided that it was definitely not her mother, and her little face scrunched up again as another wail came from her mouth.

“Now, now, Mommy’s on her way, no need to cry,” Adriene soothed her, and without thinking, started to sing a lullaby. A smile was on her face, her eyes fixed on Maia who had grabbed her finger and looked up at her with wide eyes. “Little baby, hear my voice, I'm beside you, oh maiden fair. Our young Lady, grow and see your land, your own faithful land…”

As soon as Cassia had cleaned everything up in the kitchen, she went to join Adriene and Maia in the living room. For something that had taken such a long time to happen, having Adriene here and talking almost like nothing had ever been wrong felt surprisingly natural. _‘This is like it should be,’_ Cassia thought. Like she had always imagined it when she had dreamed of one day having a family of her own. It was only now that she could really see just how wrong the past few months had felt on a certain level. It was like a part of her happiness had remained hollow. An empty space that was waiting for its inhabitant to take their place again. 

There was nothing hollow at all there anymore as she opened the living room door and was greeted by the sight of her sister holding her daughter in her arms, gently swaying. And to a sound she hadn’t heard in over a decade. Fresh tears sprung from her eyes as she recognized the song from their childhood. Cassia could still recall the exact moment that she had last heard her sister sing. Back in their old home in Lothering, as a teenager, the night before she had lost control of her magic in front of Jeremy. They had sat together in front of their fireplace, practicing together, Cassia on her lute and Adriene with her voice. Their parents talking quietly in the background while still listening to their efforts. 

For the briefest of moments, Cassia felt almost like she was back at that very moment. Back to a time where nothing truly bad had happened yet, and everything had felt peaceful. There were certainly bad things happening now every day, but if she closed her eyes, she could feel a hint of the same peacefulness inside her. 

When she opened them again, she found Adriene looking at her with an unreadable expression.

“It’s been a very long time since I heard you sing,” Cassia said quietly, her voice almost rough. “I missed that!” 

Adriene flashed a smile that held a hint of insecurity, then she walked over to give Cassia her daughter. “Yes, well,” she said softly. “There were always more important things, somehow.”

It was a weak lie, and Adriene knew it. Back when they were young, they had made music nearly every night, and she had sung along to most of her daily duties. She had never needed a reason to sing. Darrek had once told her that it had been her voice he had fallen in love with first. But after she had spilled Jeremy’s and his blood, no song had seemed to be left within her. Cassia just looked at her, and Adriene quickly averted her eyes, feeling like her sister saw right through her.

“And anyway, it’s not half as much fun without you accompanying me,” she added.

At Adriene’s words, Cassia had to smile. Before Adriene could hand Maia over to her, she took a step to the side. 

“Keep singing, I think she really likes it!” she encouraged her sister while hurrying over to the other side of the room.

Adriene let out a small sigh. “But I just told you, it’s not the same without…” She stopped talking the moment Cassia turned back around to her, the lute in her hands.

“Well, we can fix that, right?” 

Cassia’s voice was tentative, her look almost pleading. From the way Adriene drew in her breath, she could see that her sister was well aware that Cassia meant so much more than just a piece of music right now. 

The question hung in the air between them, deceptively simple, but the unheard cadence swinging beneath it nonetheless. _‘Can we fix this?’_ Cassia’s hopeful face, the instrument ready in hand adding a quiet plea. _‘Please let us try!’_

Slowly, a smile spread over Adriene’s face as she nodded tentatively. “Just… don’t expect it to be perfect right away,” she said carefully.

Cassia felt her heart becoming lighter by the second as she settled down, balancing the instrument on her thigh before she looked at Adriene again. She could see all the layers behind her sister’s statement as clear as day, and she nodded. 

“That’s alright with me, we can practice!”

When the first notes of the accompaniment started to fill the living room, Cassia almost expected it to feel heavy. Like something they would need a lot of strength for. But the moment Adriene’s voice joined in, she felt a new feeling of relief flow through her as she noticed that it still felt effortless. Her fingers hesitated briefly as she took in a deep breath, and Adriene adjusted her tempo without a hitch. More than ten years without this, and still it was like they had never stopped in the first place. When Maia let out a sound of contentment, Adriene smiled, and this time, it was Cassia who added an extra bar, drawing out the intermission so they would fit together again the moment Adriene started with the second verse.

No, they wouldn’t need strength or even practice to do this. Whatever else _‘this’_ might encompass. Maybe all it would take was being mindful and listening to each other.


	36. In My Arms Lies Eternity

Cassia was watching the procession below her, listening to the clear voice of the Revered Mother as she preached. It had become one, long monotone string of noise a while ago already, almost putting Cassia to sleep. Not a single word registered as she kept watching. Something that happened more and more often to Cassia lately. 

Though if she was honest, it wasn’t just lately. It had started when they arrived in Kirkwall. Subtle at first, but over time Cassia realized that the services in the Chantry seemed to feel less like a reprieve and more like a chore. It had been easier in Lothering. Where the Chantry was small, and the politics even smaller. Where it had always felt more about the faith than about political machinations. 

Believing in the Maker had always been a given for Cassiam had always felt easy and natural. And it still did. It wasn’t the Maker or her faith in Him that made her feel uncomfortable nowadays. The Chantry on the other hand… Back in Lothering, Cassia would have said her faith in the Maker and in the Chantry were one and the same. The more she saw and lived through in Kirkwall, the more she started to notice the divide. 

Small things at first. How the Revered Mother had spoken to Sebastian. How there had been little to no understanding for the hurt he was carrying. Then the larger ones. How the Sisters weren’t helping the poor and the needy. How no one looked after the people in Lowtown and Darktown. How the only Chantry people one ever saw outside Hightown were the ones sent to the Alienage to convert. 

Cassia was still in deep thought, the Revered Mother’s voice nothing more than white noise when she felt a hand on the small of her back.

Cassia managed just in time to press her lips together and stifle the small yelp that almost escaped her as Cullen stepped up behind her, chuckling lightly at the small jump she made.

“There you are, I was looking all over the Chantry for you,” Cullen said quietly into her ear. 

“You scared me,” she breathed out, calming herself down again as she leaned into him, noticing that he was in normal clothes and not in heavy armor. Cassia could feel the warmth of his chest against her back and sighed. “You’ve been home already?” she asked, and she felt him nodding against her.

“I thought I would catch you before you leave, but I was a bit too late. Is Maia with your mother?” he asked quietly, and Cassia hummed in affirmation.

They were up on the upper balcony at the far back of the Chantry. Festive banners, proudly displaying the bursting sun were hanging all around them, indicating the special occasion that was the ordination of the new Chantry Sisters.

“My mother said I should enjoy a service without worrying for once, but…” She looked down at the crowd below them. The procession was in full swing, and she sighed. “Honestly, honoring the Maker is all very well, but there are only so many ordinations you can watch before you get really bored. And the sermon has been… stale.”

“Stale? That’s why you’re hiding up here, so no one will see how bored you are?” Cullen seemed to be amused. His arms came around her, and he clasped his hands in front of her.

“That, and I was actually thinking about leaving again just before you showed up.” The presence of his arms around her made her feel content and already improved what had been a rather gloomy day so far. 

“I’m glad you’re here, though, I feel we barely get some alone time together these days,” she whispered as her hands came to rest on top of his. Cullen spent a lot of his time in the Gallows, and their nights were still short and constantly interrupted, leaving Cassia often too tired to do more than fall asleep in his arms once he was home in the evenings. 

“I’ll try to spend more time with you, at home. I want to! It’s just…” he trailed off, but Cassia didn’t need him to finish. He had told her enough about what was going on in the Gallows. She knew it wasn’t by choice that he spent so much time working lately. 

“I know,” she said softly. “It wasn’t an accusation.”

For a moment, they just stood together, watching the spectacle below them before Cullen quietly spoke again.

“You look very beautiful today,” he murmured. His slight movement behind her made her clothes rustle. “Is this a new dress?”

She could feel the rumble of his voice against her and nodded. “It’s something I got after we came back from the Deep Roads, but I never had an opportunity to wear it before.”

“It looks amazing on you.” He spoke directly next to her ear, and she shivered as she felt his breath on her skin. She had barely noticed that his hands had started to move when she suddenly felt him caressing her waist, his thumbs running circles over the soft texture of her dress.

Cassia allowed herself to just enjoy his touch and his closeness for a moment. “Can’t say I have not been hoping you would think that. In fact, I specifically picked it for that.” There was a hint of mirth in her voice. “We could get out of here, and you can see how well it looks thrown into a corner of our bedroom perhaps?" Cassia asked him teasingly.

Cullen pressed her a bit closer to him, his hands splayed out over her stomach, barely touching the underside of her breasts. “We could,” he agreed. “But your mother went through all that trouble to get you a free day so you could come to the Chantry in peace. It would be really ungrateful to waste that...”

Cassia sighed with a hint of resignation as she nodded. He was right. She had complained to her mother about missing so many services. She couldn’t have anticipated that she would be in this rather weird mood today of all days. Maybe she should just pull herself together and try to enjoy the rest of the sermon. Just as she tried to focus back onto the voice from below, she realized that Cullen’s hands hadn’t moved. He was still holding her against him rather intimately, and she swallowed, suddenly finding it a bit more complicated to try and focus. Cassia tried her best to ignore the inappropriate thoughts that started to fill her head, trying to follow what was happening below them again when she felt a hand cupping her breast almost casually.

Cassia sucked in a sharp breath. “Cullen,” she hissed, “Are you serious? Here?" For a moment, she wasn’t certain if he was perhaps only messing with her, trying to get a rise out of her. Her stomach fluttered in anticipation.

“I haven’t forgotten a certain conversation we had not too long ago,” he whispered and caught the lobe of her ear between his teeth for a moment. “And didn’t you just earlier complain that the service was too stale?” Cullen moved slightly, and she could feel him growing hard against her. Her heart started to beat furiously in her chest as she realised that he was completely serious about this and a small smile flickered over her face. Instinctively, she tried to turn around, but his arms held her in place. “Stay like this,” he ordered quietly.

He took her hands and placed them on the railing in front of her, making her bend slightly forward before his arms came to rest next to hers on either side, effectively caging her in. 

“Just look at them,” he spoke in a hushed tone. Cassia was still trying to comprehend what was happening, staring ahead blindly. “Look at them!” 

Her head snapped down, a shiver of excitement running through her as she was staring at the procession again. “How many people do you think are down there?” Cullen continued and his voice had gotten that low rumble in it that never failed to make her knees weak. “How many are worshipping Andraste while having no idea what we are doing up here?”

Cassia held completely still, the only thing giving away that she wasn’t as calm as she appeared was her breathing. “What _are_ we doing here?" she asked.

He laughed softly. “Well, you are just going to have to wait to find that out.” One of his hands was moving up her arm and around her waist, slowly inching upwards until he was cupping her breast again, teasing her through the fabric. “Keep watching,” he instructed her before his other hand grabbed a part of her dress and started sliding it up her legs.

For a moment, she was terrified that the banners and the shadows would not be enough. That someone would see them, but Cullen’s hand was wandering up her leg, and she could do nothing but concentrate on the feeling of his calloused hands against her skin. As he reached her upper thigh, she could feel him take a deep breath as he noticed that she was completely bare underneath the thin fabric of her dress. His fingers dug a bit harder into her thigh as he bit down on her neck softly. “You are not wearing anything underneath.” He sounded pleasantly surprised.

“Well, as I said, I wore the dress for a reason, but I had a decidedly different place for that reason in mind…” Cassia trailed off as his hand reached her center, slowly brushing through the soft curls and further down, parting her gently.

“How considerate of you,” Cullen purred and bit down on her neck just hard enough to be almost painful. She struggled to keep a moan inside. “Now the question is, can you be quiet?”

Cassia nodded, biting her lips. She felt oddly vulnerable in this position, him spreading her open but not yet doing anything else to her, waiting. He seemed to take a great amount of pleasure in simply making her wait for things. And lately, after their talk, giving her rules or small orders every now and then. Sometimes to push her, other times just to see if he could. Never too much, just enough to make her blood run hot as she slowly started to feel less and less embarrassed about just how much she liked what they did together.

Slowly, his fingers began to move, soft caresses rubbing over her, and she closed her eyes at the sensation and leaned her head back. Abruptly, she felt his teeth on her neck again, this time a bit harder. “Eyes open, keep watching!” he ordered before he gently soothed over the spot he bit with his tongue.

Cassia forced her eyes to stay open and focused on the crowd below. She could see the Grand Cleric start with another verse of the Chant. She caught herself just in time from closing her eyes again in bliss as she felt two of his fingers dip inside of her. She wanted to beg him to move just a little bit faster, but she had learnt over the past few weeks that it was a sure way to make him do the exact opposite. She gave herself over to the rhythm he set as the pleasure inside her built up slowly.

The voices from downstairs rang clear through the building, making her hear every word the Grand Cleric spoke, the Chant of Light flowing around her, echoing from all sides of the Chantry. Her mind couldn’t make sense of a single word. Cassia’s hips had started moving slightly, riding his fingers while her hands were desperately clinging to the railing to keep her anchored when he spoke again.

“I think you should start praying,” his voice came full of promise. “We are in a Chantry, after all.”

Heat flushed over her face. He wasn’t actually expecting her to… was he? She twisted her head around slightly to look at him, and a devious smile greeted her at the corner of her eyes.

“Go on,” he whispered into her ear. “This is a very important part of the service.”

A few seconds passed, and Cassia was torn. She tried to move to get at least some friction, but he held her in an iron grip, and all her efforts seemed futile.

“If you want me to move my hand, you better start.”

She could hear the challenge in his voice and gritted her teeth. Nothing got him as excited than seeing her going slowly mad with frustration, it seemed. Taking a deep breath, she started whispering. 

“Those who oppose thee shall know the wrath…” her voice hitched as he made good on his promise and his fingers started moving again, “… the wrath of heaven. Field and forest shall burn, the seas shall...” A soft moan stopped her from talking as he pressed his fingers deeper inside of her. For a moment, she stopped breathing, afraid she had been too loud. Mercilessly, his hand ceased all movement again. “Cullen, please.” Her voice was almost a whimper.

“Start praying again,” he growled into her ear, and she let out another soft whine before she tried to focus back on the words.

“The seas shall rise and devour them…” she went on shakily. “The wind shall tear their nations from the face…” A deep shudder went through her as Cullen sped his fingers up, and she felt herself approaching completion rapidly. With quiet desperation, she went on, hoping her pause hadn’t been long enough for him to slow down again. “From the face of the earth, lightning shall rain down from the sky, they shall…” A muffled cry escaped her as he kept her just off the edge.

“Finish the verse.” He was relentless as he kept pushing her towards her release, only to hold back again the next moment.

Cassia felt lightheaded from all the heavy breathing as the tried to remember the next line. “They shall cry out to their false gods, and find silence!” She barely managed to get the last word out when she felt something inside her burst. She couldn’t stop the deep moan from leaving her lips, and a second later, she felt like screaming. Cullen had instantly ceased all movement and took his hand away. She wanted to yell at him, but his other hand had closed over her mouth, suffocating any further sounds she could make.

“Do you want to draw everyone’s attention to us?” He sounded slightly chastising, and Cassia was convinced that this shouldn’t be something she should find arousing, but apparently she had no say in that matter. When he shifted behind her, she could feel just how hard he was. His length pressed against her backside as he leaned over her.

His breath was tingling on her neck as he spoke. “Now, shall we try this again?”

She nodded quickly before he took his hand away from her mouth, and his fingers were back on her, pushing into her, moving with slow and languid strokes. “Come on, you know what to do,” he encouraged her. “Next verse! Quietly!”

Cassia felt herself tremble as she racked her mind for the next verse. When she finally remembered it, she felt a wave of relief run through her. 

“Here lies the abyss,” she started, her voice shaky, “The well of all souls.” She could hear Cullen let out an appreciative groan as he held her in place against him. With how much her legs were shaking his arm around her felt like the only thing keeping her upright. “From these emerald waters doth life begin anew.” Every sentence seemed to be harder to remember than the previous one. Cassia’s knuckles turned white from how hard she was holding on to the railing. As her mind chased after the words her body chased after his touch, not quite finding what she was looking for. When she took longer this time, Cullen’s hand didn’t slow down. Instead, he pulled her up against his chest, one arm around her, holding her upright and close.

“I would love to have you on your knees before me, reciting the Benediction in that wonderfully breathless voice of yours before I take your mouth,” he whispered hotly into her ear, and she felt her knees buckle. 

He knew exactly what talking like this did to her. Cassia glanced down to the ground floor where the Grand Cleric seemed to get ready for the next canticle. His hand started to move faster, fingers pushing into her a bit rougher. His other hand dipping underneath the fabric of her dress, teasing the tip of her breasts. With all she had left, she concentrated on the Chant again. 

“Come to me child,” she whispered, “and I shall embrace you.” His fingers didn’t let up, and the familiar sensation of a building climax started running through her. “I shall embrace you,” she repeated with a voice full of need. “In my arms lies eternity.” 

“Look at the crowd,” he growled. “They know nothing. Only the Maker is watching...” His words went through her like a knife as she came, heat exploding all the way through her. He didn’t let up, coaxing every bit of pleasure from her that he could. From below, the last lines of the Chant were heard before the Chantry went quiet in silent prayer.

For a moment, Cassia felt like she could hear nothing but her own breath mingled with Cullen’s as she came down slowly and quietly. Carefully, he lowered her dress back down as she turned around before he pulled her into his arms and kissed her passionately. She almost started laughing in disbelief when she realized that this moment had been the first time she had actually seen his face during their encounter. Her heartbeat was still going fast, and she felt the familiar feeling of her magic being slightly unsettled again. Her fingers were slightly cold, but she paid them no heed. Her magic outbursts had gone down in intensity ever since the pregnancy was over, but they hadn’t decreased in frequency. Her reaction being less strong had made them easier to hide at least. Though not from Cullen. He seemed to have developed a keen sense for her magic, and she felt one of his hands clasped over hers. They held each other close for a moment, Cassia trying to breathe deeply to calm the stray magic back down. When she started to relax, she noticed that he was still hard against her and a smile spread over her face.

“So, you would love to have me on my knees before you, reciting the Benediction?” she teased him. He had painted a vivid picture in her mind after all. Not that she minded. She could feel the tension still running through him, but to her surprise, Cullen looked almost a bit sheepish. 

“I may have gone a bit overboard with that in the heat of the moment,” he said hesitantly, giving her a carefully guarded look.

Cassia only shook her head. “You have not said anything that put me off,” she assured him, letting one of her hands wander down his side as she gave him a promising look. This whole figuring out what they liked during sex wasn’t just reserved for her after all. When her hand reached the bulge in his pants, he let out a shaky breath.

Below them, Cassia could hear the Grand Cleric start the second part of the sermon, and she let her other hand run through his hair, pulling herself close enough for their lips to almost touch. While Cassia had been finding out more and more about her more adventurous side, she had also started to find out more about what worked for him. Had seen that just as much as she liked the more risky things, he every now and then really enjoyed being in control.

“If you want me on my knees before you, maybe you should make me,” she purred almost breathlessly against him. A spark of delight went through his eyes at her words.

“You are sure?” he asked quietly nonetheless, and Cassia smiled. It wouldn’t be him if he didn’t make absolutely certain that they were on the same page. 

“I am absolutely capable of saying no if I don’t feel like it,” she answered with a wink. “But you are running out of time, that sermon isn’t going to last forever after all…”

She could feel his controlled exterior crack slightly under the heat between them. Without saying anything further, he let his fingers slide down her neck and onto her shoulders, pushing her down. It was almost unnecessary, for she was already in motion, sinking down to her knees in front of him, her eyes never leaving his. She knew exactly what he wanted her to do, and she gave him an almost sweet smile before her lips parted slightly, and she leaned forward, mouthing at the bulge in his pants through the fabric. 

She watched him looking down on her. He seemed to enjoy the sight of her kneeling before him, and Cassia smiled as she gradually undid the fastenings of his pants. Deliberately taking her time, making sure there was no more ice on her hands. She could feel a small tremble running through him as she pulled his pants down enough to get him out of his smalls. His hand cupped her cheek for a moment before it went into her hair, firmly cradling her head. It tightened slightly as if to urge her on, and not for the first time, Cassia was surprised by just how arousing this whole scenario was for her. She swallowed as her hands started stroking him in front of her, briefly collecting herself, trying to remember the words. Cassia started the familiar prayer with a quiet, but determined voice. 

“Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter…” 

Cullen’s hand in her hair twitched when her tongue darted out as she trailed off and started to lick a broad stripe over his shaft. Her lips closed softly over the head and she sucked slightly before she backed off again.

“Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just.”

Cassia’s voice sounded a bit shaky as she said the next line. A soft groan from Cullen above helped her focus on what she was doing, and her lips went around him again, this time taking more of him in, slowly moving her head up and down. Her hands were still doing most of the work until he suddenly grabbed her arm and pulled it away.

“Just your mouth,” he breathed out, and she instinctively pulled her other hand back and folded both in front of her in her lap. “Good,” came his pleased voice from above her. He was guiding himself a bit deeper into her mouth before the hand in her hair pulled her off him again.

“Go on!”

Cassia took a deep breath before she went on. “Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow.” She could feel by how firmly he held her just how much he was trying to hold himself back. He pushed himself into her mouth again with tightly restrained movements, and she was determined to make him lose at least some of his control before this was done. She tightened her lips and her tongue was swirling over the head as she moaned around him. His hips bucked involuntarily, and Cassia would have smiled at that if she could have.

When he pulled back again, his eyes were dark with desire as he gazed down at her. She looked back up to him through her eyelashes and licked her lips before she spoke the final line.

“In their blood, the Maker's will is written.”

The second she had said the last word, he was back in her mouth, pushing in as deep as he dared to without hurting her. She let him control the speed as he held her head in place and moved in and out of her mouth at a faster pace than before. Her hands were clamped together as she suppressed the urge to just touch him the way she wanted to, fingers digging deep into her own skin. Just when she felt he was about to finish, he pulled her off him with a muffled groan. He breathed heavily in and out as he tilted her head up to make her look at him.

“I need all of you,” he almost moaned at her. “Get up.”

His behavior contradicted his almost harsh sounding word as he bent down to gently help her up to her feet again. By the time she stood upright, he had turned them around, and Cassia’s back hit the column behind them. She was still panting harshly, but Cullen left her no time to get her bearings. With quick moves, he pulled the skirt up again. The moment he grabbed one of her legs and lifted her up Cassia instinctively wrapped herself around him, a shiver running though her as he pushed inside her. 

Cassia had to bite down on her lips to keep quiet at the sensation and the unforgiving pace he set. As if through a haze, she faintly registered the sounds of the final prayer of the service around them. The voices mixing together as everyone in the Chantry sang along to the familiar words, the sounds swelling and filling the whole building. While Cassia was drowning in the sensations of his touch and the cacophony of voices around them, he found a way to make her whole body sing. Until she was unable to hold back the next moan as Cullen hit that perfect spot. It was drowned out by the prayer around them, inaudible to almost anyone. Almost.

Cullen had clearly heard her, and the satisfied look on his face nearly took her breath away before he dipped his head down to kiss her thoroughly, licking into her mouth and sucking on her bottom lip. His hand slid along Cassia’s body and in between them, finding her center without hesitation. She was shivering, whining into his mouth and arching towards his touch as he touched her just right, just in time with his harsh thrusts inside of her. 

“Cassia…” He was as breathless as she felt, and her name fell from his lips like a prayer of his own. It only took a few moments for her to reach her peak again, this time coming with a small shout of his name that he swallowed with another kiss as his own release overtook him, and he buried himself deep inside of her. 

For a short while, neither of them moved, and the only noise she could hear came from their combined breaths. Cassia had her eyes closed, floating on a cloud of satisfied bliss when she felt him carefully pull out of her and rearrange her dress. When she opened her eyes again, he was just done with righting his own clothes. Wordlessly, she pushed away from the column behind her, her arms sliding around his neck before she pulled him down enough to kiss him again.

“Maker, Cassia,” he said quietly as they parted, “I love you!” 

She smiled against his lips. “I love you too,” she replied, still a little breathless. 

He gave her a look that had her almost shiver again before he straightened his posture. She could practically see him going back into his regular, slightly less relaxed mode. “We should get out of here,” he said with a look down to where people started getting up. 

“We should. I for one need a bath!” Cassia sighed with a small grin still on her face. With every movement, she could feel his release slowly drip down the inside of her thighs. She quickly checked herself over to make sure she was outwardly presentable. The murmur of people talking downstairs made it obvious that the service was definitely over. She realized that they would not get out of the Chantry without being seen now.

“Going downstairs and greeting all sorts of acquaintances is going to be particularly awkward today,” she murmured, and Cullen chuckled next to her.

“Already regretting this?” he asked, sounding amused. But Cassia could only shake her head.

“Not even a little bit,” she answered with a smile before taking the arm he was offering her. She just hoped no one would notice her still slightly flushed face or how her hair was just a bit more tousled than earlier. This had definitely not been what her mother had meant when she told her to go and enjoy the Chantry service without any distractions for once. And yet, it was probably the first time in years that she left the Chantry feeling better about herself than when she got there. Cassia felt a small pang of unease stirring in her as an unbidden thought went through her mind, telling her that there was probably something wrong with that. Followed by an entirely new feeling. Something that felt almost like defiance.

As she and Cullen exchanged some polite small talk with several people she knew on their way out, she remembered Cullen’s words from a while ago. _‘This is between us and us alone. It has nothing to do with what other people might expect from you, only with what you like and feel comfortable with.’_ She was slowly starting to see what he had meant. The understanding opening up her mind for other trails of thought. If this was true for one aspect of her life, maybe it wasn’t too wrong for others.

After all, what they had just done had been nothing short of blasphemous. And in the house of the Maker on top of it. Yet nothing of consequence had happened. Even more, she was living her life outside of a Circle, having a family of her own with a templar of all people. Neither of them were adhering to Chantry rules, and somehow, it was probably the happiest she had ever been in her entire life so far.

As they walked home, arm in arm, Cassia thought for the first time since she could remember that maybe her view of the Chantry and its importance in her life was not as set in stone as she had always thought. That maybe it wasn’t her that was wrong in all aspects of her life after all.


	37. Confessions of a Different Kind

There was a noise coming from the living room. The window Cullen had wanted to oil for weeks was squeaking lightly. Normally nothing to worry about, except for the fact that Cullen knew for sure that the window had been properly closed a couple of minutes ago. He paused what he was doing, carefully listening. Footsteps. Soft ones, but he could hear them well enough; the house wasn’t overly big, after all. With a sigh and a shrug, he continued stirring, focusing back on the dinner he was making. Under normal circumstances he would have been worried, but not after Cassia had specifically invited Adriene over for the evening. If he was honest, he would have probably been more surprised by her actually knocking at the door by now.

“You know, it wouldn’t kill you to use the door like a normal person,” he called out loudly nonetheless. A burst of laughter from Adriene was the first answer, followed by her head sticking into the kitchen.

“And it wouldn’t kill you to cut down the rose bushes in front of your windows every now and then. It’s a mess!” She was picking a leaf off her clothing as she entered the kitchen.

Cullen only shook his head. “You know what, I think I’ll just plant some more…”

Adriene snorted. “Oh please, as if that would…” She paused, her eyes sweeping over the scene in front of her. “You cook?” she asked with raised eyebrows.

Cullen had to focus back onto the food in front of him and didn’t look at her as he answered, “I’ve lived alone until a few months ago, of course I cook. If you’re here already, you can help. There are still vegetables to cut.”

“So, where is Cassia?” Adriene asked. From the corner of his eye, he could see her sitting down and taking one of the kitchen knives.

“She said something about having to pick up some potions, took Maia with her,” he explained. “But she should be home any minute.”

Adriene grinned as she started to chop the vegetables. Hearing him talk about Cassia coming _‘home’_ was adorable. These last weeks, they had seen each other more and more, especially since she made a point of dropping by now and then. Sometimes, she even knocked. In the beginning, she had expected it to be awkward because of what had happened with Cassia… and because of her open distrust of him. She had drawn her weapon against him at least once, after all. But to her own surprise, it had been rather easy to get to know Cullen better once she made an effort. Even more so, she found she actually liked him. Not only did he more than obviously adore Cassia, but he also had a wicked sense of humor she thoroughly enjoyed.

“You’re cute, you know,” she said casually and took another potato.

Cullen snorted, amusement in his voice. “Cute? Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“Actually, yes,” Adriene smiled. “Talking about Cassia coming home, cooking dinner for her and everything. All that’s missing is an apron and a dash of flour on your cheek that she can wipe off when she comes in. The perfect picture of domestic bliss.”

Cullen chuckled at Adriene’s description. “I do have flour here, but knowing Cassia, your sister would probably throw a towel at me and tell me I have something on my face.”

“Probably,” Adriene agreed with a laugh before focusing back onto her task.

It didn’t take long for them to hear the lock of the front door being used and Cullen smiled. From the sound of the footsteps it could only be Cassia and not much later she came into the kitchen with Maia on her arm.

At the sight of both Cullen and Adriene preparing dinner in what seemed like a relaxed atmosphere, she had to grin widely. There were still some moments from time to time where this new-found tentative camaraderie between the two of them felt almost unreal to her, but overall, she couldn’t help but simply be happy about it. It was much more than she had ever hoped for.

“Got everything you needed?” Adriene asked as Cassia put her bag down and the telltale sound of glass bottles slightly bumping against each other could be heard.

“Everything I personally needed, and I got some things to restock your emergency supply at home,” Cassia answered before moving over to Cullen and giving him a quick kiss. “According to Anders, you’ve used up far too many health potions lately for his personal tastes. He asked me to tell you to try and make these last longer.”

“Of course,” Adriene nodded immediately with a touch of dryness to her voice. “I apologize. I’ll let these ones turn bad for once.”

Cassia knew her sister was well aware that she didn’t give a damn about having to buy new potions. That she’d rather avoid situations where those were necessary instead. “If only that were in any way realistic,” she sighed with a wink towards Adriene.

Adriene waved a half-chopped carrot towards her sister. “Hey, I feel like I’m getting blamed here for something. It’s not my fault people get upset with me for crossing their evil plans.”

“Upset? More like murderous,” Cassia interjected, but Adriene just scoffed.

“Well, they should know better than resort to banditry or worse things,” she shrugged. “In any case, at least I only come home with minor injuries that can be fixed with a potion, shouldn’t we all be glad about that?”

Cullen looked over his shoulder at her. “Maybe you need to work on your fighting style so your sister doesn’t have to worry about you that much.”

“I can’t believe this,” Adriene murmured, her mouth agape, shooting Cassia a sharp look as her sister barely suppressed a laugh. “You’re not seriously criticizing my fighting style, Cullen, are you?”

Cullen grinned. “I wouldn’t dare.”

“You better not!” Adriene shot back, amusement in her eyes. “Cassia, tell your husband that I might take this as a challenge otherwise, so he better be careful!”

Cassia only laughed at that as she moved closer to Cullen.

“Maia is falling asleep on my arm, I’m going to put her down to sleep, and then I’ll set the table.” Cullen gave her a smile and bent down to place a soft kiss on Maia’s head, whispering a goodnight to his daughter. Cassia gave him a fond look before she left the kitchen.

It didn’t take long for her to get Maia ready for bed. Whenever they spent the afternoon outside or doing errands, it was usually a guarantee for her to fall asleep almost as soon as Cassia laid her down into her crib. This day was no different. With a soft kiss on her nose, Cassia drew back from the crib, her daughter’s eyes already closed as she left the door slightly ajar, just in case. She went into the living room and started to set the table.

Dinner was, not to her surprise, a lighthearted affair full of banter, and quips, and the occasional good-natured eye roll.

“Is this supposed to be another challenge?” Adriene asked after a friendly jab from Cullen as they put away the dirty dishes a while later.

Cullen was chuckling again. “You know what, I have honestly no idea anymore about just how many things have turned into challenges with you,” he grinned.

Cassia scoffed before briefly leaning against him. “Welcome to my entire childhood!”

“Hey, I wasn’t that bad!” Adriene protested, but from the tone of her voice, she didn’t even try to sound like she really meant it.

Cassia was still giving her sister a very skeptical look as Cullen straightened.

“I have to leave,” he said softly, an arm already around her before he kissed her lightly. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Take care!” Cassia answered quietly, not letting him look away before he gave her a nod. He turned briefly to Adriene.

“I hope you two have a nice evening,” he wished her before leaving the room.

Adriene sent her sister a questioning look. “Where is he going?”

“Nightshift,” Cassia sighed. From the hallway, she could hear the sounds of Cullen putting on the outer parts of his armor and fastening his sword belt.

Adriene frowned slightly. “He’s the Knight-Captain, isn’t he way above having to take the night shift? That’s what the lower ranks do, isn’t it?”

“Normally, yes,” Cassia agreed. “But he is hoping to find out more about who else was behind the abuse he has been investigating for the past few months.” She couldn’t quite quell the sound of worry in her voice. With a deep sigh, she tried to shake off the feeling of dread that rose as she heard the front door close behind him. “Do you want some wine? Something else to drink? We could get comfortable in the living room,” she suggested, trying to get herself away from those feelings.

“Wine sounds perfect,” Adriene said, looking quizzically at her sister. She had noticed her unease and worry, but Cassia just nodded and busied herself with taking out glasses.

“Can you get a bottle from the cupboard?” she asked, already on her way towards the kitchen door.

Adriene chose a dark red wine and opened it before she followed her sister who had already made herself comfortable in front of the fire. Adriene poured herself a glass of wine and Cassia some water, then she settled in the other armchair. Cassia gave her a little smile and took her glass.

“Why are you so worried about him?” Adriene asked after a moment of hesitation. After they had not talked for so long, she didn’t feel comfortable with hiding behind platitudes or roundabout ways to get to the bottom of something. She did not want to repeat their months of alienation. “I mean, he has been doing this for months already, without anything happening beyond a few disgruntled templars and another few relieved ones.”

Cullen had told her how over the course of the last six months or so, several templars had approached him carefully when they realized that he did not tolerate random abuse. Slowly, he had managed to build a group of people he deemed trustworthy. Apart from that, however, there had not been any major development. There had been no other letter about anything like the Tranquil Solution, nor an incident that would point at the other high-ranking templar that Cullen still suspected was out there.

Cassia sighed at the question. “I’m not even sure,” she admitted. There was nothing that screamed ‘danger’ at them acutely, but still she couldn’t help feeling that something might happen anyway.

“I guess, part of it is that Alrik just went over his commanding officer’s head and tried to pull something like that. I mean, if it happened once, it could happen again, right? Someone else might do the same thing.” It did worry her that even after months, Cullen still had no idea who else might have been involved.

“And we know someone else is still out there. What if they are just biding their time? Or worse.” For a brief moment, she didn’t want to finish the sentence, didn’t want to voice her concerns out loud, but Adriene gave her a questioning look. “What if whoever is still out there finds out what really happened? What Cullen has done? If the Knight-Commander finds out…”

“Cullen has been careful, and nothing has happened so far,” Adriene said calmly, obviously trying to sound soothing. Cassia smiled at her.

“I know. Maybe I’m irrationally worried about this,” she admitted. “It’s just… I can’t even help, you know? Not like you can, not at the moment at least.” She looked down at her hands that were for once blissfully calm and warm. A spark of frustration went through her. Of course she couldn’t go out and start working jobs like before. She had Maia to think about. But even apart from that, even in moments where someone else was watching her, her ongoing problem of keeping her magic mishaps from happening meant that she had to be extra careful every time she left the house. So far, none of the theories and ideas she had come up with with Anders’ help had brought even the slightest change. Cassia sighed again.

“Cullen is working so much, we rarely see each other. And don’t get me wrong, I support him, but sitting at home, unable to do anything to help is not making it easier to not worry…”

Adriene nodded thoughtfully. “That I can totally understand,” she said. For a moment, silence fell between them. She couldn’t imagine staying behind while all of these things were going on. As much as she sometimes envied Cassia for her happy home and adorable daughter, being forced to watch from the outside was not something she could easily bear. Then a thought came to her, and she perked up.

“You know, maybe there is something you can do to help,” she said, “more than you already do, I mean. Because let’s face it, it’s not like you’re idle. Anders keeps talking about how you are invaluable to him.”

Cassia scrunched up her nose and gave Adriene a doubtful look. “It’s not…” she started, and Adriene quickly waved a hand.

“It’s not the same, I know. But remember what I said about Cullen’s desk? About it constantly flowing over? Honestly, he never got a hold of the things that piled up while he was out of Kirkwall, and I keep bugging him about getting someone for the paperwork.” She made a hand gesture. “By now, he only gives me that look when I mention it because I know why he doesn’t — he keeps the evidence there, too. So he has to be careful whom to trust and all that.” With a shrug, she smiled at Cassia. “But, I mean, he trusts you. Obviously. And it could be something you do from here while taking care of Maia.”

When Cassia didn’t immediately reply, she quickly added, “Just a thought. Maybe a stupid one. But I thought, it’s… it makes you a more active part of the whole thing again.”

It was not the kind of help that Cassia had imagined, but her sister definitely had a point. And it would allow her to keep busy in those moments where she had nothing to do but be on her own and worry.

“He’d have to bring everything here,” she thought out loud, already thinking about where she could put in some sort of workspace. “Because there is no way I can even get close to the Gallows as long as I don’t even know what causes my… ‘episodes’ as Anders calls them.”

Adriene only nodded. “Of course, but that should be doable.”

The more Cassia thought about it, the more she liked the idea. Something to do. Something to help. “Yes,” she said, a small smile appearing on her face. “That could be something I can do. Save his desk from all the paperwork.” Briefly, she thought back to the last time she had been in Cullen’s office. There had been no piles of paperwork on his desk back then. “I do have fond memories of that piece of furniture after all,” she said almost thoughtlessly.

At Adriene’s pointed look, Cassia felt herself blush as she realized what she had just said. Involuntarily, her eyes went in the direction of the bedroom where Maia was sleeping peacefully before Cassia shook her head and cleared her throat. “Yes, work! Great idea!”

Adriene chuckled into her wine glass, amusement sparking in her eyes. “Cass, if you just need more time to _work,_ ” she gave the word special emphasis, _“_ on a sibling for Maia, just say the word. I’ll arrange something. Take the little one on an extended trip around Kirkwall. Or to Sundermount. Get the desk here, if that’s what it takes.”

Cassia sputtered. “The desk is not what…!”

Quickly, Adriene interrupted her with a laugh, “No, please spare me. I love you, but that is a part of your life I happily stay completely oblivious about. At least about the details.”

“I wasn’t going to tell you any details,” Cassia assured her sister with an almost scandalized look on her face. “Don’t worry!” She took a large gulp of her water, trying to get rid of the blush burning in her cheeks.

“Though we actually talked about, well, siblings for Maia,” she admitted.

“Oh?” Adriene raised her eyebrows, and a content smile spread over Cassia’s face.

“We both want to, but we’ve decided that now isn’t really a good time. Too much going on, and we have barely any time just for the two of us as it is,” she explained. With a thoughtful look, she added, “Let me tell you, it is a strange thing, living with someone, having a child with them and still being in the ‘getting to know you stage’ of the relationship.”

Adriene blinked. “I never thought about it this way, but you’re right of course.” She eyed her sister curiously, a hint of worry suddenly in her voice. “Is it... working out? I mean, it looks like it is, and if you’re talking about more children already… But, is it?”

“It is,” Cassia assured her. “I mean, it’s not at all how I imagined having children and getting married before, but that’s not a bad thing.” Her dreams of a quiet family life had always been rather abstract. “We did get along more than just well from the very first time we met, after all,” she added with a smile. It was almost hard to believe that that evening had happened one and a half years ago already. The memories were still fresh as if it was only last week that she had sat in an unfamiliar tavern, annoyed at being stood up by a potential employer.

“Sometimes, it feels like I’m living one of Varric’s books, you know?” she said with a grin.

Adriene snorted. “You _are_ living one of Varric’s books. I’m pretty sure he’s writing it as we speak.” She took another sip of her wine, then she shrugged and muttered, “But then, I’m saying that about everything that’s happening in this Maker-forsaken city.”

Cassia chuckled, and Adriene looked at her thoughtfully. “Listen, Cass, I know I told you before, but I really, truly am happy for you. I just wish Cullen were in a less exposed position, so you could go and live somewhere in true peace.” She took a deep breath, then she added so quickly that the words slightly slurred into each other, “I even think I like him, but don’t tell him I said that.”

Cassia’s smile turned into a laugh at Adriene’s words. “I promise I’ll keep your secret,” she said with a wink before she became more serious again. “But I can’t tell you just how glad I am to hear that.” And she wholeheartedly meant it. That Cullen and Adriene both made a visible effort to get along for her sake was something Cassia greatly appreciated, and Adriene’s admission that she might actually like him was more than Cassia had dared to hope for.

“And despite having too much time to worry about things, I really can’t complain. I _did_ get the things I always dreamed of after all, didn’t I?” she said with a small smile on her face. “Only a few months ago, I still thought that nothing like this would ever be possible. Not to mention a year ago.”

She sent her sister a careful look. “I know I already apologized for lying to you, but sometimes I feel it bears repeating.” When Adriene looked like she wanted to say something, Cassia shook her head. “The thing is, I can’t even say that I should have told you the truth from the moment I found out who Cullen is, because then all of this probably wouldn’t have happened, but… I felt awful most of the time back then because of it.” Her voice had gotten quieter than before. “Before we left for the expedition, I felt like I was the most awful person in the world.”

Adriene hesitated for the longest time before she answered. Not looking at Cassia, she swirled the wine in her glass and said very quietly, “You’re not.” Her heart clenched, then she added, “Or if you are, I am, too. Because I… uhm… I did the same thing.” She took a sip from her glass before she forced herself to look at her sister.

It was stupid to feel guilty, to feel so insecure after such a long time, but then again, it was something that wasn’t easily forgotten or left behind. None of it. But maybe it would help Cassia feel less guilty about what had happened with Cullen. Not that it made any of it easier, but it did work out for her, after all, so there was no reason to hold on to these feelings of guilt about keeping it to herself.

“What do you mean?” Cassia answered, frowning slightly.

“I lied to you, too,” Adriene said softly. “About a relationship with... a templar.” She saw Cassia’s eyes widen, and added simply, “Darrek.”

“What?” Cassia’s voice was toneless, and Adriene nodded, looking back onto her hands.

“I was with him for six months before I… before he died,” she told her sister, her voice very quiet. “He talked about running away with me. Because I tried to… I insisted on keeping it secret. He didn’t understand why, thought Dad wouldn’t approve, or something. And a part of me wanted to, you know? Run away with him.” A little smile flickered over her lips. “It wasn’t even the part that he was a templar that made me want to keep it to myself. I mean, that, too. I knew it was wrong, it was dangerous, and I _shouldn’t_ , but… he was mine. And he loved me.” She took a deep breath, looking back at Cassia. “So I get it. I do. And I don’t blame you for keeping it to yourself. I love our family, but sometimes it gets suffocating. And those moments, where something is just _yours_ , they’re precious.”

“I’m so sorry, Adriene,” Cassia said quietly. “I didn’t…” She stopped herself from finishing the sentence. She didn’t know? Of course she didn’t know. That had been the point of it all. Thinking back on that time, it didn’t surprise her. She had known the two of them to be friends after all. But for the longest time, she had assumed that it was mostly pretend from Adriene’s side. Her heart felt heavy with sadness for her sister as she thought back to that fateful day when Darrek had stumbled over their practice session. She couldn’t even imagine how Adriene must have felt afterwards.

“I am sorry,” she repeated again, now knowing what else to say as she reached over to clasp her sister’s hand in her own, squeezing lightly. “I understand keeping it to yourself. The part about family being a bit suffocating sometimes? I know exactly what you mean.” She couldn’t help a weary sigh escaping her. “That was definitely also a part of why I didn’t say anything, but it wasn’t just that.”

Underneath her hand, she felt Adriene tense, and when she looked at her, she saw a pained look in her eyes. “I know, Cass, believe me, I…”

“No,” Cassia shook her head vehemently, “that was not what I meant.” The last thing that she wanted right now was to take the openness that Adriene had given her and tear an even deeper wound into it. She held on tightly to her sister’s hand.

“I know you did what you did to protect me. All of us. And I am sorry that I never knew how much it hurt you.” She took a deep breath. It was a realization she had had before, but with what Adriene had just told her, it felt like Cassia had only ever seen the very surface of her sister’s pain. “I know I blamed you for keeping me from other people, but I was wrong to do that! And I promise you, while all of these reasons were a part of it, none of it was the actual, main reason why I felt so awful. You actually had nothing to do with that!”

Adriene drew her eyebrows together in confusion, pressing her sister’s hand. “Then… I don’t know what you mean, then. What made you feel so awful? If it wasn’t me, I mean.”

Cassia took a deep breath before looking at her glass. Somehow, not seeing Adriene’s face made it easier to say something. “When I found out that Cullen was the Knight-Captain, I knew instantly what I should do. And then I didn’t… Did you know that one of the first jobs I did for him was talking a group of mages who had fled the Circle into going back?” The memory of how furious Anders had been with her afterwards was still uncomfortable. “The things they told me!” She shuddered. “And it wasn’t like I didn’t know already. Sure, Dad never told me and Bethany as much as he told you, but that doesn’t mean I had no idea what the Circle is like. We didn’t practice all that eavesdropping when we were kids for nothing after all…”

With a shrug and another sigh, she continued. “I talked them into going back because there was blood magic involved, but still… I knew that you never would have done that if you had been in my position. You always know what you stand for so much more clearly than I do. But you know what the worst part was?”

Adriene didn't say anything, just shaking her head, motioning for Cassia to go on.

“The worst part was that an hour later I stood in his office, and I barely knew anything about Cullen, except that he was charming when off duty, and that he was the blighted Knight-Captain, and I just handed him a bunch of fugitives without having any idea what would happen to them. And part of me didn’t care…” She heard her sister gasp quietly, and Cassia forced herself to look up into Adriene’s eyes.

“ _I_ didn’t care. I could have let them go, I even thought about it for a moment. But then we wouldn’t have gotten paid, and it was a large amount of money, and the expedition was getting closer…” She felt a small shiver running through her. “And then there was Cullen. I felt torn about working for the templars already, and the way Anders laid into me about it had me ready to go and tell him I couldn’t work for him anymore. But when I went there to do that, he…” Cassia had to fight down the embarrassment that threatened to color her cheeks again. “He kissed me before I could say anything, and again, I didn’t care. I kept working for him just so I could see him again. And back then, I had no way of knowing if he was a good person, or if he was maybe just as bad as all the stories you hear about templars. And I didn’t care...”

Adriene just stared at Cassia, unable to find words. That… definitely explained why she didn’t say something. Throwing caution to the wind because she was enamored was one thing, but not caring whether the people she brought him were being tortured because of the money and because she was smitten was quite another. A bad feeling rose in Adriene as she thought back to that mission, to the mages Cassia had made go back to the Circle. The Starkhaven mages. Weren’t they the ones that had ended up tranquil because Cullen had started to gather evidence? Or at least some of them?

For a moment, she was tempted to ask, but she quickly pushed that nasty instinct away. The guilt was so plain on Cassia’s face that Adriene knew she couldn’t add to it. Not when there was nothing to be done now.

“Well,” she finally said, her voice somewhat flat, “you were either monumentally suicidal or had enormous empathy and judged Cullen correctly, even on instinct. And from these choices, I’d rather go with the latter.” She eyed Cassia and sighed. “Listen, I’m not going to say that I’m alright with what you just told me, because I’m not. You know that, I did some yelling back then already if I remember correctly. We can’t change what happened, so… let’s just be glad that you won’t have to make such a decision again, yes? And that Cullen thankfully is a good person.” _Or at least so far seems to be_ , a familiar dark voice said inside her.

“What if I do have to make such decisions again one day, though?” Cassia asked carefully.

It wasn’t that she didn’t care a lot about the people around her in general. On the contrary. Some days, it felt like it was all she could do. Like all her time was spent worrying about everyone being alright, making sure that everyone was taken care of. But sometimes… How was she even supposed to explain this to Adriene? It wasn’t like she understood it very well herself. That sometimes, the feeling of just how much she cared seemed to become so overwhelming that she had no choice but to stop?

She could see Adriene’s eyes narrow in confusion, and Cassia sighed. “Because it’s not the only time I did things because I just didn’t care,” she added, trying to explain what she meant. “You know the moments when you just… _feel_ so much that you don’t know how to handle it anymore? Like if the feeling gets just a little stronger you might forget how to breathe?”

Adriene didn’t say anything, but from the look in her eyes, Cassia was certain her sister knew exactly what she meant.

“I had a similar feeling down in the Deep Roads,” she confessed. “A point where I was so scared about dying down there that I stopped caring. If Anders hadn’t been there, I would have done something really bad.” She swallowed, unwilling to let herself remember the darkness of that place. “And there was another time when Cullen came back to Kirkwall. Because…” Cassia had to pause for a moment, draw in a deep breath before she continued with her impromptu confession. “Because when I went to him and told him about my magic? I had no idea how he would react. I hoped for the best, of course, but really, I didn’t know. But I thought, even the worst outcome would be better than the constant fear and worry, right? And again, to a degree, I didn’t care…”

Adriene’s eyes had turned thoughtful. “I… I think I know what you mean. In parts at least. That knowing is better than not knowing. And also that, to a degree, it doesn’t matter what happens to me. But then…” She chewed her lip for a second, then she said, “Well, there were always people depending on me. That’s what kept me from stopping to care. If I give up, if I just stop, you’re in danger, Bethany, Carver, Mom — and our friends, too. What if I’m not there when Danarius turns up, or Castillon, or the templars come for Anders, I just… I can’t.” She looked back at Cassia. “And you have Maia to think of now. And Cullen.” And after a moment, a bit more quietly, “And me.”

“I know,” Cassia said with an uneasy expression on her face. She knew exactly what her sister was trying to tell her, but it didn’t make some of what Adriene said any less painful to hear.

“Adriene, what I am trying to say is that I am not doing this deliberately. I am not deciding to stop caring because things get hard. On the contrary.” She didn’t know how to explain it any better than she had already, but Cassia tried anyway. “I don’t want to feel this way, but sometimes I do, and when it happens…” She gave her sister a helpless look. “Where you think about how people need you, my head makes very good points about how people would be better off if I was out of the picture instead...”

She was still holding on to Adriene’s hand, her fingers almost stiff with how tight she was holding on. Like her strained grasp on her sister’s hand was the only thing keeping her from getting lost in the maelstroms of her own thoughts.

“Most of the time, I know these thoughts are stupid. And untrue. But there are moments…” She looked down at their intertwined hands. “It’s like with my magic. There are moments when I can’t control it, no matter how hard I try. And it scares me.”

“Me too,” Adriene said before she could think better of it. Her fingers tightened around Cassia’s as she looked at her sister with wide eyes. “This scares the Void out of me. Is there anything I can do? That helps? You said, Anders distracting you helped, so can’t you — oh.” Suddenly, she remembered just how exactly Anders had distracted Cassia if she interpreted Isabela’s words correctly. “Alright, maybe not Anders distracting you, but… something else?”

Cassia couldn’t help but laugh at Adriene’s words before shaking her head quietly. “You know, Anders actually made me realize that I was in a bad place and that I shouldn’t give up before anything happened between us,” she said, still amused. The trouble was, that usually, she didn’t tell anyone when she was feeling like this. But now that Adriene knew, maybe there was a chance there.

“I never talked to anyone about this before, not until a little while ago at least. Cullen knows a bit, so does Fenris. But now that you know this, I don’t know, I guess I am hoping that maybe I can try and come to you before it gets that bad?” Her voice sounded hesitant, as if she wasn’t entirely sure Adriene would think that it was a good idea. She held her breath waiting for an answer.

Immediately, Adriene put her glass aside and leaned over to her sister to pull her into a tight embrace. “Of course, you stupid woman,” she said lovingly. “How can you even doubt that? You can always come to me.” She pulled her even closer. “And I’ll find a way. Make waffles or funny faces or open a bottle of wine, or, if everything goes bad, I’ll go get Cullen or even Anders, yes, I said it.”

To her relief, she felt Cassia chuckle, and a smile came on her face, too. She drew a bit back to look her sister in the eye so she could see she meant every word. “But I mean it. You can always come to me. Even if we had the worst fight the day before. The hour before, the second before.”

Cassia felt both the tension and the held breath leaving her at Adriene’s heartfelt words.

“Thank you!” she murmured, a tentative smile remaining on her face as she looked at her. Without much thought, she pulled her close again, giving her another tight hug. “You mean the world to me, you know that, right?” she said quietly. “I am still so glad to have you back.”

“Me too,” Adriene murmured, and for a long moment, they just held each other. Adriene pushed all thoughts about what her sister had just told her aside. That was something she would have to think on by herself, try to make sense of it, maybe even talk to Anders or Fenris about. But for now, all that mattered was that she knew what Cassia was fighting with, and that Cassia, in turn, knew that she could come to her for help — even if that help was not more than a distraction. But maybe they would find a way for Cassia to get ahold of these feelings eventually. She didn’t want to give up on this just yet. Just like she hadn’t given up on finding something to help Cassia with her magical outbursts.

After a while, Cassia’s embrace loosened somewhat, but Adriene just tightened her arms again. Another moment passed, then Cassia asked carefully and with a touch of amusement to her voice, “Adriene?”

Adriene took a deep breath, her arms still wrapped around her sister. Amongst all the confessions, all the openness between them, there was one thing she had completely foregone. She felt that if she didn’t say something now, she would never.

“I’m in love with Fenris,” she blurted out.

Cassia blinked, trying to catch up with her sister’s non-sequitur.

“Uh, yes, and?” she asked carefully, trying to determine where Adriene was going with this. When Adriene didn’t respond and only gave her an expectant look after she let go of her embrace, Cassia tilted her head in confusion.

“Wait, are you telling me this like it is news?” Her confusion only grew. “Was I not supposed to know this yet?”

Adriene opened her mouth, only to close it again, heat rising in her cheeks. “Uhm,” she made, her thoughts going furiously in circles. _Oh no._ Was she that obvious? She had thought… But if Cassia knew, then who else— and if— _Oh no._ Then that was the reason he drew back so often. Of course. Her heart clenched painfully, but Cassia was still looking at her as if expecting an answer.

Quickly, she shook her head. “No, I mean, yeah, it’s… I didn’t… Ah, forget it.” She took her glass, hiding behind it as she emptied it. “So, uhm, have you and Cullen talked about when you want to do the actual wedding?” she asked in a desperate try to change the subject as she busied herself with refilling her glass.

Cassia’s eyebrows rose up as she watched a plethora of emotions wash over Adriene’s face. Seeing Adriene so obviously distressed and trying not to let it show sent a pang of regret through her. That hadn’t been her intention with her humorous answer.

“Adriene,” she said carefully, “I mean, it’s kind of obvious to me because you are my twin sister, and I know you, right? But if you are worried that you might be too obvious, I can tell you, you are not!” She searched for Adriene’s eyes, holding her gaze. “Definitely not to Fenris, he is remarkably blind in that regard. When it comes to others and to his own feelings, trust me.”

With a smile, she added, “And don’t feel bad for being obvious towards me. Remember at the beginning of the year? You concluded I was in love with Cullen before I had even really given it much thought. It’s a special twin sister talent!”

Adriene let out a breath of relief. “Oh, good,” she murmured. “Because I… I actually needed Isabela to spell it out for me. Back when I still thought you and him were… you know.” She sank back in her armchair, only now realizing how tense she had been just a second ago. She looked back at the glass in her hand, turning it around and around. “And I don’t want him to know,” she said softly. “It would only make him draw back again. And I kind of like where we are right now.” It was a half-truth, but one that she wasn’t ready to unwrap even for herself for the moment.

“It could also bring you closer,” Cassia murmured, but a look at Adriene’s face made sure she dropped the topic for now. If her sister didn’t want Fenris to know for now, that was her prerogative after all, no matter how Cassia thought about it.

“We haven’t actually decided on setting a date for the actual wedding yet,” she said instead, picking up on what Adriene had said earlier. “I planned on talking to Sebastian about some things first, but the last time I went to…” She stopped herself from finishing that sentence, fighting down the memories that came up rather prominently when thinking about what had happened. “I got distracted and forgot to look for him after the service,” she said instead, taking another sip of her water. “Honestly, I think with all that is going on, we should probably wait some more.” Not to mention that she had to sort out her own, by now strangely complicated feelings about the Chantry first before she could get ready to make any sort of vow in front of the Maker.

“Well, I've just advised Bethany to extend her stay in Amaranthine, and she'd be devastated to miss it, so that might be a good idea,” Adriene agreed. Cassia perked up.

“You did?” she asked, and Adriene nodded.

“After what happened with Alrik and what we found out… honestly, Beth might be better off staying there for good. No templars, not _these_ templars more specifically, and I mean, you've read her letters. They are ecstatic, and she really enjoys the research she's helping the Warden-Commander with,” she said. “Mom is thinking about going there for Satinalia and First Day.” She hesitated for a second. “Maybe you and Maia can join her. If you're worried about your magic.”

Adriene’s idea definitely had merit, but at the same time, Cassia was well aware that there was no way that Cullen would be able to leave the city for a prolonged time right now, not even if it would be only a few weeks. She shook her head.

“It’s a nice idea, but I think I’d rather stay here,” she said. “It’s our first winter festivities together, after all, I don’t want to spend them apart.”

Adriene nodded in understanding, and Cassia leaned back, emptying the rest of her glass as her sister started to tell her more about their mother’s travel plans and what was going on at their home. After the downright heavy topics they talked about this evening already, it was a welcome reprieve. Almost like a sense of normalcy settled between them. She could tell from the way Adriene started to relax into her seat more and more the longer she talked that she probably felt the same way about this. The earlier issues weren’t gone. But they were out there and nothing either of them had said had caused another tension to grow between them. Something that calmed Cassia down more than almost anything that had been said tonight, and she smiled, thinking that they were definitely on the right path.


	38. Amata

Summer turned to autumn, and Leandra left to spend the winter holidays with her younger children in Amaranthine, leaving the house even more empty than before. Adriene kept herself busy, doing little favors for neighbors or the Viscount, or trying to find evidence against certain templars that had come to Cullen’s attention. People she had known for years came to ask for her help — Feynriel, nearly succumbing to demons were it not for her and Cassia’s interference, Hubert who discovered that someone had been stealing cargo from their mine.

And then there were her friends. Chasing after the relic with Isabela, despairing over Aveline’s helpless tries to get Donnic’s attention, encouraging Anders’ work on his manifesto kept her from thinking too much about the empty, dark house she came home to at night.

And among all of it, she made sure to spend time with Cassia, delighting in Maia’s first attempts at crawling and standing up.

Satinalia brought a welcome reprieve, and Adriene and Cassia threw all of their friends a huge party, giving out gifts and treating them to a feast — and a first, private performance with Cassia at the lute and Adriene singing.

It was late already when Adriene sought Isabela out, giving her a little wrapped package. Bela’s face lit up as she saw what was inside.

“A whole ship!” she exclaimed, eyeing the ship in a bottle with laughter in her eyes. “You shouldn’t have.”

Adriene grinned. “You can’t see it, but there’s a perfect replica of you beneath deck with a dozen sailors in attendance.”

Her friend laughed. “I highly doubt that. But it’s a worthy goal to work towards.” She looked over to where Fenris stood next to Cassia and Merrill, leafing through the book Adriene had gotten him. “Talking about worthy goals, seagull,” she said conspiratorially. “What is going on with Fenris and you? I’ve been watching this whole thing for nearly a year now, and I still can’t tell. There is _something_ going on, I can tell that much, but seas take me if I can say what exactly.”

Adriene gave a little shrug, a small smile in the corner of her mouth and a blush in her cheeks. “I don’t quite know myself, to be honest,” she confessed.

She honestly didn’t know, and she had long given up on trying to decipher the connection between them. After the night of the near-kiss nearly nine months ago, they had started to spend time with each other again. By now, she felt completely at ease in his presence again, and he accompanied her to nearly every mission. There had been the occasional tension and touch, and that one dance of which Adriene still wasn’t quite sure if it had happened, but neither of them had gone further, had crossed that last line. There hadn’t been another near-kiss. But there had been looks, and smiles, and, most importantly, closeness.

Isabela’s finger poked into her cheek. “Dimple,” her friend said and grinned at her.

Adriene snapped out of her dreamy reveries and blinked confusedly at Isabela. “What?”

“You only have that dimple when you’re truly happy,” Bela smirked. “As long as you have that, I’m fine. Even though I’m still standing by my statement that you two should just finally get over yourselves and fuck and see where it leads.”

Adriene blushed more deeply, sparks in her eyes. “Well, it’s… not that...” she stammered, her stomach doing a slow roll at the thought. Isabela laughed loudly at her, slinging an arm around her shoulders and pulling her closer. Adriene took a breath that was more shaky as she would have liked as her friend gave her a look that clearly said ‘tell me more’.

“Listen, I’m not saying that I’m averse to that thought, but...” she started, trailing off with burning cheeks and taking a quick sip from her glass as Isabela only laughed even more.

“Averse? Seagull, you have dreamy eyes every time you look at him!” she teased.

Adriene elbowed her in the side and quickly interrupted her before Bela could say anything more, “I don’t even know if I want more. No relationship girl, remember? I’m just glad that he’s my friend.”

“Mhm,” Bela made, clearly unconvinced, her smile softening somewhat.

Adriene fell silent and took another big gulp from her glass, the alcohol a welcome heat in her stomach. Her friend tightened her arm around her.

“Seagull, I don’t mind,” Isabela said into her ear, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “I never did. You go and love as many people as you want. As long as you’re happy. And I think you could be happy with him.”

Adriene gave Bela a careful smile, relief washing through her as she saw nothing but honest care in her eyes. But Isabela wasn’t done yet.

The twinkle was back in her eyes as she said in a teasing voice, “Which is why you should finally get it on! Seriously, sometimes I’m tempted to just lock you two into a room with each other. Or preferably together with me.” She grinned, and a sudden shiver of heat ran down Adriene’s back.

She laughed, remembering that this was not the first time Isabela had said something like this. “Now there’s a thought…” she murmured, a definite tingle in her stomach, and Isabela’s smile deepened at the slight blush in Adriene’s cheeks. Quickly, Adriene added, “But before we go there, let’s not complicate everything. At the moment, I’m just glad that I can go over to see him whenever I want without it being awkward.”

“Fine,” Bela sighed exaggeratedly. “But hold that thought, yes?”

“Promise,” Adriene smiled.

It was a few days afterwards when they went out to the Wounded Coast to bring supplies to one of the hideouts they used for smuggling mages out of Kirkwall when they were ambushed.

Hadriana.

There was no question about whether she would help him, of course. Fenris seemed nearly feverish in his pursuit of the hated magister, and for the first time, Adriene felt like she got a glimpse of how much the horrors that he had lived through still haunted him.

When they found Hadriana, the Tevinter fought with screeches and demons, terror in her eyes as she saw Fenris fight his way through them towards her, rage on his face, the lyrium glowing in a terrible light in his skin. And then, she was dead, her blood splattered over the cave’s ground.

“Fenris…” Adriene said softly, carefully reaching to touch his shoulder as he stared at Hadriana’s body, tension still running through him like a shudder.

But he shook her off, growling at her. “No. I don’t want you comforting me!” he hissed. The way he looked at her, full of fury and hurt made her heart clench as she took an instinctive step backward. “Not now. All that matters is that I finally got to crush that bitch’s heart!”

Her hand fell down and she took a deep breath, steeling herself. “Maybe we should leave.”

“Go where? To Kirkwall? Don’t make me laugh! No. I don't want to go anywhere with you,” Fenris snapped, and she felt the words as if he had punched her in the face. For a second, he looked as if he wanted to say something else, but then he just turned around and left without looking back.

Adriene just stared after him, his words still hanging in the air, clear and sharp, cutting like a knife.

“Come on,” Isabela said softly after a terrible silence, laying a hand on her shoulder.

“He didn’t mean it, surely,” Merrill interjected, looking at Adriene with sympathy in her warm eyes. “He was just upset.”

“Oh, he meant it,” Adriene said tonelessly. She took a breath, pushing the threatening tears down, deep down, and smiled at her friends, a lopsided assurance that she was alright. She was always alright. “But well, I can’t blame him really. I mean, look at me. All bloody and disgusting.” She gestured vaguely at her armor, pulling a face. “I’m pretty sure there are demon intestines somewhere. _I_ don’t even want to go anywhere with me.”

“Adriene…” Isabela started, but Adriene cut her short, wiping her blades on her trousers before putting them away.

“Let’s go. I have a new servant who doesn’t yet know where she’ll start to build a life of her own.” She walked out before the other two had a chance to say anything else.

She tried not to care about his words.

But it was hard not to, especially when Fenris did not turn up again.

Two days passed, and still, nobody had seen him. He wasn't at the Hanged Man, not at his mansion, not with Sebastian at the Chantry, not reaching out to Cassia; and slowly, Adriene became sick with worry. Finally, she asked Varric to reach out to their contacts on the streets to keep an eye out for him.

Still nothing.

Agitatedly, she paced up and down, worry lining every single one of her movements.

"Calm down, Twirly, I'm pretty sure Broody will be around again soon," Varric said and leaned back in his chair with an uncaring attitude but without taking his eyes off her. "He has a reputation of broody dramatics to maintain, after all."

She threw him a look that said she was not impressed. "Varric, if he left on his own, he's at least fine. But what if Hadriana was only the advance guard? We don’t even know if he came back to Kirkwall! What if, contrary to what we thought, Danarius was actually close by and grabbed him as soon as he left? What if he's back in Tevinter by now, enslaved, tortured, memories gone again?!" Adriene could feel panic rising within her as she spoke, and her voice got more agitated with each word. Varric was still annoyingly calm, as he was prone to be. It was not helping.

"Twirly—"

"I'm serious, Varric!" Her voice had gotten involuntarily loud as unwanted pictures rose before her eyes.

"So am I!" Varric’s voice was as loud as hers, and her eyes snapped to him. He was leaning forward, shaking his head as she raked her hands through her hair. As he continued, his voice was calm again, soothing even. "Hawke. First of all, it would be an impressive task indeed to reach Tevinter in two days, and second — and second," he repeated more forcefully before she could interrupt him, "believe me, a Tevinter magister coming to Kirkwall is not something I would miss. Especially not _this_ Tevinter magister. Don't you think I have people with a description of him up and down the coast and on the main landlines? Fenris was not captured by Danarius." He said the last sentence with pointed emphasis, and Adriene drew in a shaky breath and nodded, letting herself fall into a chair.

"Honestly, you're worse than Isabela," Varric muttered. "She has been at his mansion every other hour or so, each time with a worse excuse and a bit more drunk. Last I heard, she had just stopped giving excuses and demanded he come out now."

"It's not that I can't understand it," she muttered unhappily.

Varric got a speculative look in his eyes, and he took up his pen a bit too casually. "So, what is up with the three of you anyway?"

Adriene looked up instantly and glowered at him. "Not the time and place, Varric."

"Can't blame a writer for curiosity. But I got you to stop panicking," he said with a little smile before he got serious again. "Go home, Adriene. Get some rest. I promise, I will send for you immediately if I hear something."

She pressed her hands against her eyes, nodding tiredly. “Alright,” she murmured. She hated not being able to do something, but right now, her hands were bound. If only she knew that he was alright… she could deal with him avoiding her as long as she knew he was alright. But right now, nothing was certain.

It was a lonely walk home. Adriene took her time in the hopes that the cold night air would calm her down a bit more, but to no avail. She still couldn't think about anything but her fears of what would happen to Fenris if he got captured by Danarius and nobody was near to help. She didn't even know Danarius' face, but she had a pretty good idea of what he would do to Fenris. Just thinking about it made her sick. She had never told Fenris just how well she understood — at least in parts — what had happened to him, but sometimes, she felt like he knew anyway.

When she came home, she was surprised that there was light coming through the windows. Normally, by this hour, the fire had already died down, and Bodhan knew not to stay up for her return. It was probably Cassia, who knew that she wanted to check if Varric had heard anything and wanted to know if Fenris had turned up again.

Adriene quietly opened the door and took off her coat and boots, starting to unbuckle her weapon's belt as she went into the main room.

"Hey Cass, no news yet,” she said tiredly. “But Varric has his network all up and…" Her voice trailed off as she looked up and came to a sudden halt.

The person waiting before the fireplace was not Cassia.

"Fenris."

His name was barely more than a whisper, shock and sudden joy crashing over her, and she caught herself just before she could run to him to throw her arms around him in relief. “You’re back!”

"Adriene," he said. His face softened slightly as he looked at her, but there was something wary in his voice, tiredness around his eyes. "Cassia went home some time ago, but she said it would be alright if I waited for you."

Adriene just nodded slowly, unsure what to say. Her hands were shaking slightly as she looked at him, a nearly painful relief and longing inside her. She quickly kept them busy by taking her belt off to put it aside, still keeping herself from just running up to him. She remembered his words in the cave only too clearly, and the last thing she wanted was to force herself on him after he had said so clearly that he didn’t want her near him.

"I've been thinking about what happened with Hadriana," he said, not quite meeting her eyes as she turned back to him. "You and I don't always see eye to eye, but that doesn't mean you deserved my anger. I owe you an apology."

There was a weird tension in the air, loaded with all the things she wanted to say, longed to hear, but she felt unable to form the words around it. “I had no idea where you went,” she said finally, adding more softly, “I was concerned."

Fenris looked to the side. "I needed to be alone." Something flared up in his eyes, and he walked over to the fireplace and stared into the flames. His voice was tight, and she had a feeling that, despite everything, what he said next didn't come easy. "When I was still a slave, Hadriana was a torment. She would ridicule me, deny my meals, hound my sleep… Because of her status, I was powerless to respond and she knew it. The thought of her slipping through my grasp now…" He finally looked up at her again and she nearly flinched at the open display of hatred and conflict on his face. He clenched his fist. "I couldn't let her go. I wanted to, but I couldn't."

Adriene nodded slowly. “You know, that I can understand. That you just wanted to kill her, I mean. But...”

Fenris did not let her finish, his eyes flaring up, and he took an angry step towards her, stopping only when she instinctively retreated, her eyes widening. “But what? What would you have me do? Let her go? Hadriana came after _me_! I never had the option to simply walk away!”

She could see the agitation in his movements, and her hands were cold, uneasiness rising inside her at his anger. This was not how she knew him. But she also knew that his anger was not directed at her, and she forcibly unclenched her hand. Still, she couldn’t help but watch him tensely.

Fenris shook his head, his voice furious, pained. “Am I supposed to forgive? No matter how many times they hunt me down? Am I supposed to forget all the things they've done to me?!"

Adriene shook her head, feeling desperate. “Of course not! But breaking a promise like that…” She could see the anger rise in him again, and added quickly before he could interrupt her again, “... it breaks something in yourself, too.”

“Don’t you think I don’t know that?” Fenris snapped, and Adriene narrowed her eyes, taken aback by the way he threw the words at her. For a moment, a tense silence fell between them, and Adriene could see the way his jaw clenched. She waited anxiously, her emotions a swirl of apprehension, unease, and pain.

His voice was strained as he said, “I should be happy now that Hadriana is dead. Instead, I feel nothing but… disquiet.” He looked to the side. “This hate… I thought I’d gotten away from it. But it dogs me no matter where I go. It's a sickness, this hate, this dark growth inside of me that I can't ever get rid of. And they put it there!" Fenris clenched his hands, a shudder running over him as he said from between clenched teeth, “It was too much to bear.”

Suddenly, the fury was out of his voice, and he deflated visibly. He looked at her as if searching for something. Adriene didn’t dare to reach for him, too unsure whether he would just shake her off or get angry again. After a second, he made a tired noise, turning away from her. He rubbed his hands over his face, more talking to himself than to her as he said with exasperation in his voice, "This isn't why I came here." With a shake of his head, he started to walk past her, obviously ready to leave.

Adriene’s heart clenched, and she let out a breath. That was it? After everything, after all the worrying and pain and fear, after he had been gone for days, he just turned away again and left?

He was already halfway towards the door when she called, “Then why did you? Why come back at all?”

Fenris stopped, but he didn’t turn around. Adriene’s eyes were burning with unshed tears, a challenge in her voice. “After all, you made it perfectly clear that you don’t want to be near me.”

He turned around, a frown on his face. “That’s not…” he started, but she just shook her head.

“Of course it is,” she scoffed, interrupting him before he could even finish his sentence. “Don’t you remember? ‘I don’t want to go anywhere with you’, wasn’t that what you said?”

She couldn’t quite read the expression on his face as he looked at her, and suddenly, her anger evaporated, making room for the desperate sadness that had clung to her these last days. “I thought you cared for me. I thought we were... friends.”

Fenris took a step towards her, reaching for her as if to touch her, letting his hand fall down again before he did. “We are.”

Adriene made a helpless gesture, shaking her head. “Then why…”

“Because you fight for them!” His voice was sharp.

Taken aback, Adriene stared at him. “I don’t fight for slave owners or slavers, Fenris,” she said slowly. “You know that.”

“I do. But Hadriana is not only a slave owner. She’s a _mage_.” He spat the word out as if it disgusted him to even have the sound on his tongue. A lump was in Adriene’s throat as she looked at him. “It was her magic that enabled her to—“

He interrupted himself, turning away from her, the unspoken horrors of his past hanging like a heaving darkness in the air. Eventually, he added from between clenched teeth, “And you fight for them.”

Adriene’s heart was heavy, and she closed her eyes for a moment as she let out a breath. This was nothing she could argue against — especially not now, not today. Not after what had happened.

After a long moment, Fenris said, still tense, “I should go.”

Adriene looked up again, taking a step towards him. No, she didn't want him to leave, not like this. “Fenris, I—,” she started with a plea in her voice, reaching for his arm. _I’m sorry,_ she wanted to say, but as soon as she touched him, he spun around and grabbed her by the arms, his lyrium tattoos flaring up in that ominous glow that always preceded a painful and bloody death.

Before Adriene even realized what he was doing, Fenris had her pinned against the wall, looking down at her with a snarl on his face. It happened so quickly that she couldn’t react, and the second her back hit the wall, hard, an old terror grabbed her, and she just _stopped_.

_The army’s camp not far from here, she could hear the voices through the trees, but too far for someone to stumble over them. Everywhere, the slight stench of the swamps, of old wood, and rot, and Taint. The darkspawn had been through here, but that was irrelevant right now. Her back was against a rock, or bark, she couldn’t tell, but she knew that snarl on the man’s face in front of her just too well. It wouldn’t do to fight back. It hadn’t been a good day for him, and even if she couldn’t remember what had upset him, she knew how this would continue any second — a fist in her stomach or face, dull pain, and then…_

But nothing happened.

Instead, the iron grip that had kept her upright vanished after only a second. Adriene blinked and looked up into Fenris' horrified face. The present rushed back, and she could breathe again. She forced herself to take a breath, then another, until her chest was no longer tight and the coldness slowly fell off her, even though her heart was still racing. Fenris quickly took a step back to give her space, and she realized how her reaction must have looked for him. He thought she was afraid of _him_.

"Adriene — I'm sorry," he said at the same time that she said, "No."

Carefully, she reached for him, and he stopped moving away. She shook her head, trying to get rid of the lingering fear that sent a shiver over her skin.

"No," she repeated with emphasis, concentrating on the feeling of his skin, his armor beneath her fingers, the soft glow of his lyrium tattoos that were just _him_ and had nothing to do with the past. This was now, this was here. Her heart stopped racing as she looked up at him, finding only concern in his eyes. "It's not you, it's… it's not you," she said softly.

Adriene slowly raised her hand, carefully touching his face, her fingers very tenderly running over his cheek, and he went absolutely still.

"Please don't leave," she whispered, and some of the tension in his face eased, a softness coming to his eyes she had rarely seen before. “I just got you back… Please.”

“Adriene…” he started hesitantly, and she let her hand sink down again, her heart heavy.

“I won’t ask anything of you, Fenris. I’m not like Hadriana,” she pleaded quietly. “And I don’t fight for people like her. If nothing else, please believe that.”

For a second, he didn’t move, his eyes burning into hers. “I know,” he assured her, his voice hoarse and full of emotion. Very slowly, as if not quite certain whether she would allow it, Fenris touched his fingers to her cheek, a soft caress that made her heart stumble with sudden hope. “You’re nothing like her.”

Very carefully, his hand moved to her neck, giving her time to draw back if she wanted to as he took a small step towards her, closing the distance between them. She was transfixed by the look in his eyes as he moved closer, barely daring to breathe, and a warm shiver ran over her back at the feeling of his fingers in her hair. For a moment, she felt his breath ghost over her lips. Her eyes fluttered close as she felt the first whisper of his lips against hers, softly, as if he wasn’t sure whether she would retreat again.

It was a tender touch and so soft that she was half certain that she dreamed it. But then her hands wandered over his arms, the faint tingle of his tattoos on her palms reassuring her that this was indeed happening. Her heart did a little stumble as the last lingering traces of the past disappeared, replaced by a burst of longing and happiness. Carefully and slowly, she kissed him back, her mouth soft and warm beneath his.

The kiss only lasted a second, a tender, careful touch of his lips to hers, barely more than a question. And still, it left her breathless. When he pulled back slightly, her eyes shone. Fenris looked at her as if he couldn’t quite believe what happened, and she gave him a soft, nearly bashful smile.

For a moment, neither of them moved, just looking at each other. His gaze seemed to burn into her, a shimmer of uncertainty to it even though he didn’t let go of her. His name was a whisper on her lips as she lifted herself towards him, and something in his eyes flashed. The next second, he was kissing her again with unconcealed heat in his touches.

Adriene melted into his embrace as he pulled her close. The feeling of his arms around her, the taste of his lips woke the desire tethered deeply in her core. A small moan escaped her as she wrapped her arms around his neck, her lips opening beneath his to grant his tongue access. The sound seemed to loosen something in him, and he pulled her even closer as if he couldn’t bear even the tiniest space between them, his lips hard and demanding on hers, making the world fall apart around them.

Later, she couldn’t quite remember how they made it upstairs and who managed to shut the door of her room behind them. Each touch sent a shiver over her skin as all the tension between them seemed to unload itself at once. She found herself unable to let go of him, drinking in the taste of his tongue as they stumbled towards the bed.

He pulled the leather band from her hair, a long sigh coming from his lips as it fell down her back and he could run his fingers through it. He took his time exploring her mouth with his tongue as he gathered the silken strands in her nape, only to let them fall down again to angle her head so he could kiss her neck, teeth scraping over her quickened pulse. Adriene had her eyes closed, goosebumps erupting all over her body as she felt him taste her skin. Her fingers were feverish and clumsy in her haste as she pulled at the buckles and bindings of his armor, and she could feel him smile against her skin. He put his hands over hers, hastily helping her take it off. Adriene pulled her lower lip between her teeth as she impatiently watched one piece after the other fall to the ground, torn between wanting to just watch him undress and the desperate need to feel him against her body again. Fenris had barely opened the last knot when she reached for him again, pulling at the shirt he wore beneath.

A low groan was in the back of his throat as she splayed her hands beneath it and over his stomach, pushing the shirt up to pull it over his head. He mirrored her movements as soon as he emerged from beneath it, impatiently tugging at her tunic. The sound of a tearing seam barely made them pause.

“How fond are you of that shirt?” he murmured hoarsely against her mouth, a fistful of cloth in his hand.

“Right now? Not at all,” Adriene answered between kisses, and he made a low sound of approval. Another ripping sound and the tunic was off, falling into a heap onto the ground, quickly followed by her breastband. She felt her nipples pucker in the cool air, right before his thumb ran over them as he cupped her breast, and she gasped into his kiss as a sharp spike of desire ran through her.

Her kisses got more urgent as he teased her, and while Fenris carefully navigated her the last steps backwards towards the bed, her fingers trailed down over his tattoos to the laces of his breeches. She could feel his arousal clearly beneath the cloth and for a moment, she smoothed her palm over the bulge, drawing a deep groan from his mouth. With deft fingers, she opened the laces, sliding her hands in and over his hips to cup his ass, pushing his trousers down. Impatiently, Fenris stepped out of them and pulled her into another kiss, now completely naked.

"Adriene," he groaned, breaking free from her lips as she reached down to take him into her hands, a rough and low timbre in his voice that made her shiver all the way down. For a moment, he closed his eyes and leaned his head against hers, moaning deep in his throat as she stroked him, his hands pausing their caresses. He didn’t allow himself the pleasure of being touched for long, though. One of his hands came to her neck, drawing her in for a hard kiss, using his other hand to pull her hands off himself. Before she could protest, she felt herself lifted and laid down on the bed, his hands at the waistband of her trousers. Eagerly, she lifted her hips, and he pulled her trousers off her and threw them to the side. His eyes wandered over her body with a deep-seated hunger that made her shiver in anticipation, the heat in her core swirling tightly.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this,” Fenris murmured, stretching out next to her, his hand chasing the tremble running over her body at his touch.

Adriene smiled a breathless smile as she trailed her fingertips from his shoulder to his ear.

"Couldn't have been longer than I," she whispered, wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue.

The sight of it made his eyes flash and the next moment, he was kissing her again, the feeling of his tongue against hers etching flame across her skin. Impatiently, she arched into his hands, her own fingers running over his back, following the tingle of magic beneath her palms. His knee was between her legs, nudging against her thighs, and she opened them eagerly for his touch. She could feel his arousal pressed against the inside of her leg, hot and silken and wanted to reach for him again. A whispered _nuh-uh_ made her stop, her fingers quivering on his skin as she held still, and then she felt his hand brush through the curls at the apex of her legs, a satisfied rumble in his chest at the wetness he found.

Adriene moaned into his kiss as his finger caressed over her folds and dipped deeper to the bundle of nerves nestled there. He brushed over it, again and again, and she bit her lip in an effort to keep her voice down, her legs trembling.

“Let me hear you,” Fenris murmured against her ear and kissed her throat, two fingers sliding into her with ease, his thumb finding the hard nub again, coaxing a pleading sound from her as she arched up at the touch.

“Fenris,” she gasped as he started to stroke her, a shiver going through her as she unwittingly lifted her hips to meet his touch, every breath a small moan as he set a steady rhythm with his hand. A low, appreciative growl was in the back of his throat as she grabbed his shoulders and heat broke out over her whole body, her head thrown back into the pillows. Just as every muscle in her body seemed to tense, hot desire curling deep in her belly, he withdrew his hand, and a protesting whine fell from her lips as she collapsed back onto the bed.

She could feel him smile against her mouth as she opened her eyes again, but before she could scold him, demand that he continue, his lips were on hers again, kissing her deeply. At the same moment, she felt him breach her entrance, rocking slowly and deliberately into her with low rolls of his hips, and her pleasure was a deep moan on her tongue as she wrapped her legs around his hips to draw him even closer. He growled her name, his tattoos a silver and blue shine against her skin, and her lust exploded with a force through her that surprised herself as he started to rise and fall within her. It didn’t take long until Adriene found herself clench around him, still so tightly wound from his teasing. She arched up into his touch as she called out his name, her nails digging into his back, coaxing a deep groan from him that he smothered against her shoulder. The bite of his teeth in the soft part of her neck made her yelp, the short sting of pain smoothed over by his tongue in the next second, and she shivered in his arms. He kept thrusting into her through her release, his rhythm speeding up with growled moans, and she could do nothing but hold on as he pushed into her, faster, harder, until his rhythm faltered and he spilled himself deep inside her with a deep moan.

Their labored breath and shallow pants filled the air as they held each other in the aftershock, Adriene placing small kisses along his shoulder up to his ear. Where there had been relentless, demanding passion, all the pain and untold emotion unloading itself in heated touches and little bites, there was now quiet tenderness between them as Fenris lowered himself onto the bed next to her. Adriene could still feel her heart pound in her chest as he kissed her softly, heat still simmering beneath their touches.

The fire was not much more than embers, and she pulled the covers over them, curling up in Fenris' arms with a content sigh. Her fingers trailed across his chest, and she felt pleasantly sated — and happier than she had ever thought possible. She smiled giddily as she reminded herself that this did indeed happen, that Fenris was not only back, but here, with her. For a while, neither of them said anything, and she listened to his heartbeat, drawing lazy circles on his body. He kept playing with her hair, fanning it out over her shoulder and running it through his fingers.

Adriene turned slightly in his arms to look at him, and the way he smiled at her made her heart swell with so much emotion that she felt she would burst any second.

_I love you._

It burned on her tongue, shimmered in her eyes, but before she could gather her courage to speak, Fenris suddenly asked, "Have I ever told you about how I came to Kirkwall?"

His voice was quiet, and Adriene bit her tongue and shook her head, cuddling closer to him. There would be time and opportunities for confessions later.

"I have never spoken about most of what happened to anyone," Fenris continued softly. "I've never wanted to. But you… It is different with you." And so he told her, haltingly in the beginning, then more and more certain of himself, only interrupted by her careful questions, nearly as if he couldn't stop himself. About his escape, and the time in Seheron with the Fog Warriors who protected him and whom he betrayed when Danarius found him again, about him fleeing again. He paused when he spoke about it, nearly as if expecting her judgment, her hate or rage and looked at her wonderingly when neither of it came.

"It wasn't your fault," she murmured and meant it. Fenris looked away from her into the fire, not answering.

"Fenris," she said softly, her hands pausing on his skin, "you yourself said that being a slave meant not thinking beyond your master's desires, not daring to dream of freedom. It was the first time you had dared to be anything else but his…"

"Lapdog," he hissed when she searched for the right word, but there was more pain than anger behind it. "A mindless animal."

Adriene just shook her head. "No. Not that. Never that."

His eyes came back to hers, burning with emotion. "I wouldn't know. The ritual that gave me these markings also stripped me of my memory as you know. Whatever I was before may as well never have been. Perhaps if I knew, I would have acted differently."

Her heart clenched at his words. But before she could say anything, his face closed up again, and he cleared his throat.

“I apologize. I shouldn't have burdened you with this. None of this is your concern," he said very quietly, nearly dismissive.

Adriene stilled in his arms, her heart suddenly beating hard. She pushed herself up on one elbow, looking at him with a question in her eyes. Fenris took a deep breath, clearly uncomfortable. Adriene carefully touched his face, asking him wordlessly to look at her. When he turned her eyes to her, she said softly, "Well, it could be. My concern, I mean."

He blinked, raising his eyebrows slightly, and Adriene smiled, if a bit insecure. "I could at least try to help with your problems… or give you a few more." Her heart was in her throat as she spoke, and she realized she was even more nervous than she had thought.

Fenris' eyes softened, and he pointedly raised an eyebrow as he said dryly, "More problems than you normally do, I assume."

Adriene chuckled and shrugged. "It's what I do."

He caressed her face, his hand wandering over her naked shoulder as he returned the smile, but there still was something guarded in the way he spoke. "You are a beautiful woman. Is there no one else who has your… attention?"

Her heart sped up at his words, but she owed it to him to be honest. "You mean Isabela?"

His eyes were inscrutable as he inclined his head, and this time, it was she who took a deep breath before she answered carefully, “I… She does. But it is… different. We don’t…” Adriene interrupted herself, searching for the right words. “It’s not a relationship. And neither of us would stop the other from being with someone else.” When she looked at Fenris, a flush was on her cheeks, her voice soft and sincere as she said, “Most importantly, it has no impact on my feelings for you.” She bit her lip as his eyes widened and quickly continued, nearly stumbling over the words, “But then she has your attention as well, hasn’t she? You flirted with her, too.”

A low hum was in his voice, and he smiled. “I’d rather say she flirted with me, but you are right. I did not deter her attention.” He played with a strand of her hair as he said in a low voice, “It’s hard not to think of you both when you are so openly affectionate with each other.”

A shiver ran over Adriene’s back. “Well, Isabela made it abundantly clear that she’d be eager to… Hm. To lock herself into a room with the both of us, if I am to quote her.” A little smile was in the corner of her lips as she looked down at him.

“Really?” Fenris seemed amused when she nodded.

“So…” she started nervously again when he didn’t say anything else, “can I? Give you a few more problems, I mean?”

Maker, this was hard. Adriene had rarely felt so vulnerable as right at this moment, and her pulse was a loud drum in her ears. Fenris paused, then he looked at her with a look on his face she couldn’t quite interpret, a shadow crossing his face.

"I'll have to… consider it," he said eventually, not unkindly.

Adriene's heart sank, a cold lump in her stomach all of a sudden. If there ever had been a moment to bring up her feelings, it had been this, even if in just her weird _Adriene_ way. But his answer made it clear that his emotions were very different from hers. She closed her eyes against the sudden sting in their corner and bit her lip before she forced a smile on her face and quietly untangled herself from him.

"Ah, don't worry about it, Fenris," she said lightly as she sat up, avoiding to look at him. "If you have to consider it first, I already have my answer. Forget I said anything, really. It’s fine.“ She nodded as if to emphasize her words before adding a bit more quietly, "Thank you for being here anyway. For coming back and… This was amazing, really."

She sat on the bedside for a moment, closing her eyes to try and get her emotions under control again. Then she took a deep breath and moved to stand. But before she could get up, Fenris put a hand on her shoulder, holding her back.

"Adriene, wait."

The words were soft, and Adriene stopped but did not look at him until he carefully turned her towards him again. A curious look was on his face, and the words came slowly as if he had to build them carefully around his thoughts. "You did not mean… just sex?"

She found herself unable to say the words and just shook her head, still feeling horribly vulnerable. Fenris blinked, a frown on his face. "But I am an escaped slave, an elf. Does that not bother you?"

Adriene cocked her head, her eyes narrowing a bit in confusion. "I am the daughter of an apostate and the sister of not one but two mages. Does that not bother you?"

A slow, relieved smile came onto his face as he shook his head, and her heart quickened its pace again as a dangerous feeling arose: hope. His hand was still on her shoulder, his eyes wandering over her face as if searching for something.

"You really thought that this, getting you into my bed, was all I cared about?" she finally asked when she could no longer bear the growing tension between them. Fenris seemed to consider her question before nodding.

"It was all anybody was ever interested in," he answered. He seemed unbothered by this, but Adriene's heart went out for him.

"Well, I'm not anybody," she said softly, and at her words, his eyes grew more intense, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"You really aren't," he murmured, pulling her back onto the bed, into his arms. Adriene's breath caught in her throat as she settled back into his embrace and saw the way he looked down at her. For a moment, neither of them said anything. When he spoke, his voice had gotten even deeper, vibrating in every cell of her being. "I have never allowed anyone too close. But you are unlike any woman I have ever met."

He brought his hand up to her face, tenderly cupping her cheek in his palm, his fingertips sending shivers across her body. The touch felt like it was burning on her skin, his tattoos starting to glow where she touched them, and she barely dared to blink for fear of disturbing the moment. Adriene's heart raced, and a slow, incredibly soft smile spread across his face before he lowered his head towards hers. Her eyes fluttered close as she felt his breath against her lips, the light touch of his nose against her cheek. His lips hovered above hers just so, nearly touching her.

"I didn't think I needed anyone. I never wanted anyone. Until now," he whispered and then, finally, his lips brushed against hers, softly, caressing. He held her as he slowly lowered her down into the sheets again, his body moving slightly against hers as he kissed her oh-so-slowly, and Adriene felt as if the world stopped turning when his tongue touched her lips. Nothing seemed to exist outside of this room as she opened them beneath his with a sigh, and the kiss deepened. He took his time exploring her mouth until she was breathless, her body trembling with anticipation against his, even though his hands had never even come close to any of her more sensitive areas. It was different than when they had kissed before, without the desperate need behind it. It was tender, honest, and Adriene felt as if some scared, dark knot within her loosened.

When he pulled back, she trailed after him for a second, breathing hard, her eyes still closed. Her whole body seemed to be aflame, and when she opened her eyes again, a mischievous smile was on his face.

"Wow," she murmured, unable to form another thought. “That was… different.”

"I am glad you liked it, Amata." His thumb ran across her palm and Adriene couldn't help but shiver at the suggestive touch. She moved slightly against him. A chuckle was deep in his throat as he smiled down at her. "If you keep doing that, I might overthink the part where we're supposed to sleep."

"Please do. Overthink it," she purred, and his eyes flashed before he kissed her again, his fingers interlacing with hers as he made her forget the world around them again.


	39. Consequences

When Adriene woke some time later in the day, a pleasant heaviness still lingered in her body. For the first time in what felt like weeks, she had slept dreamless and deeply and found that she wasn’t still exhausted despite having slept. A smile came onto her face as the memory of last night came back to her, the way Fenris had touched her, kissed her, looked at her. The tenderness and wonder in his eyes, the joy as she had lain in his arms, whispering endearments onto his skin.

She obviously had turned around in her sleep, for she could feel nothing but cushions in her arms, and with a content sigh, she felt around for Fenris, blinking against the daylight that streamed into her room through the open window.

He was gone.

It took her a while to process that realization, and she sat up. Wiping her hair out of her face, she looked around in confusion. A cool breeze brought fresh air into the room, sending goosebumps over her skin, but for the moment, she didn’t care. Fenris stood in front of the fireplace of her room, fully dressed. When he heard her move, he turned around, giving her a half-smile that showed nothing of the affection and tenderness from last night, his eyes guarded.

Adriene pulled the covers up around her, suddenly conscious of her nakedness. Something was wrong, she knew it in her heart, and the smile disappeared from her face. It was the way he looked at her, the careful distance between them.

He seemed to want to say something, but instead, his shoulders dropped, grief in his face. Suddenly, Adriene felt cold.

“Was it that bad?” she asked with a lopsided smile that was more anxious than she would have liked, hiding her fears behind the careless joking she was so good at.

However, she wasn't prepared for his answer, as he said slowly and without meeting her eyes, "I'm sorry, it's not… it was fine."

That was rather unmistakable. Adriene swallowed as the words hit her like a punch, unable to answer, her hands clenching into the linen around her.

“Oh,” she breathed, her voice barely loud enough to hear. A lump was in her throat, and she swallowed hard to get rid of it.

The hurt must have shown clearly on her face, for Fenris immediately added, "No, that is insufficient." For a moment, he searched for words before he said softly, "It was better than anything I could have dreamed." 

Adriene looked at him, a sliver of hope rising inside her that died again immediately. Despite the honesty she could read in his eyes, he still wouldn't come to her. When he met her eyes, he looked away, and she could see him clench and unclench his hands.

"Then what’s wrong?" she asked in a small voice. He closed his eyes for a second at the tone of her voice, then he moved. But instead of coming over, he started to slowly walk up and down, a vast difference to the angry pacing of the night before.

"I began to remember," he said slowly, avoiding her eyes. "My life before. Just… flashes. But…" His voice trailed off, and he stopped, turning towards her. His eyes wandered over her face as if to embed every detail to his memory before he continued with a hint of a tremor in his voice, "But it's too much, this is too fast. I cannot do this."

"You're going to leave."

It was not a question, not a plea. Just a statement, helpless in its simplicity, her voice toneless and quiet. When he looked at her, she saw her own grief mirrored in his eyes even if he was careful not to let it show too clearly on his face.

"I'm sorry. I feel like such a fool." For a second, he seemed to want to come over to her. But then he caught himself, turning away from her, and closed his eyes.

"This should never have happened in the first place," he murmured. "Forgive me."

Then he left, closing the door softly behind him. He didn’t look back.

Adriene stared at the place where he had been just a few seconds ago, unable to move. _No._ No, this couldn't be. _Please._ Not after what they had shared, after what they had said. He had given her a taste of a closeness she had never experienced before, a taste of happiness… and then taken it away again. Her hands were clenched tightly into the bedsheet she had pulled up around herself. She could still smell him on her skin, in her bed. A sob escaped her as she looked helplessly towards the window, then she caught herself, biting down hard on her trembling lip and wiped angrily at her treacherously wet eyes.

No. Not worth it.

She swallowed hard, trying to ignore the tightness that crawled up her chest and lodged in her throat. Then she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, and another, her hands balled into fists. There was a weird numb feeling to them, a tingle as if they would start to shake the second she let go of the tension. But she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. 

He was still going to stick around, probably, that would have to be enough. It was not like she wasn't used to one-night stands without emotional entanglement. And he had made clear that he regretted even that. She would forget the part where they had talked about his past… and what had followed. It didn’t matter in the end.

Again, she wiped over her eyes and took another deep breath. Then, she nodded to herself and got up, ignoring the carefully laid-out clothes which Fenris had obviously collected from the floor. She’d ask Bodhan to change the sheets and wash the clothes, burn some incense to get rid of every bit of remembrance. Put it all back as it should be. She took new clothes from the wardrobe, then she went to the bathroom. 

When she came out of her room, the house was eerily quiet. There was none of the usual sounds of Bodhan busy in the kitchen, or Sandal murmuring his happy “Enchantment!” as he worked on one of his runes. For a moment, she stood lost in the hallway, then she remembered that she had given them the day off, so Bodhan could show Orana around Kirkwall.

All of a sudden, Adriene felt terribly alone.

The silence in the house seemed to lay itself onto her skin, pressing down on her from all sides and making it hard to breathe. For a moment, she thought she’d scream, just to fill the house with _something_ , but all that left her was a sigh that had a touch of acceptance to it. The feeling of loneliness washed off her, leaving her strangely detached. Of course nobody was here. As it should be.

It took her a moment, then she said loudly, “Just as well.”

Her voice sounded weird even to her own ears, and she quickly closed her mouth again. Taking another breath, she roused herself and started on the chores that she had just wanted to give over to Bodhan.

It was both strange and familiar to go through the tasks, but in the end, she felt better for having done it. Concentrating on just working kept her from thinking, from _feeling_. Kept her from breaking.

When she was done, her scent was her own again, every trace of what had happened scrubbed off until her skin was red, her hair that Fenris had so reverently fanned out over her shoulders bound back in her usual ponytail. The bedroom was pristine and aired, her bed freshly made, and her clothes and linen in the laundry. 

The day was already half over when she found herself in the kitchen, washing some bread and cheese down with wine. It was too early to drink, she knew, but she relished the slight fuzziness that came with it. And she couldn’t bring herself to build up the fire for anything else.

The longer she was in the silent house, though, the more her already slippery control on her emotions threatened to break. She couldn’t hold still, pacing up and down the room, a book she had tried to read carelessly thrown aside with just a bit too much force. Eventually, she couldn’t bear it anymore. She needed to get out of here.

“I’m going out,” she said into the empty living room, fastening her weapons belt and putting on her coat. “Not that anyone cares.” For a second, she allowed herself to feel terribly sorry for herself, then she squared her shoulders, murmuring an angry, “Get a grip, Adriene.”

She carefully locked the doors to the dark house behind her. The skies had decided to match her mood, and rain poured down, a wet chill in the air. She held her face towards the raindrops for a moment, blinking up against the grey, dark sky, then she began to walk. She didn't really have a destination other than 'away' and barely paid attention to where her feet brought her. The only thing she knew was that she couldn’t bear the thought of sitting in her empty house, or pretending to be in a good mood in the Hanged Man. Moving was good. Moving was doing something. Maybe she was even lucky and someone would be dumb enough to attack her.

The afternoon was dark, and there were barely any people out in the winter storm. A few single snowflakes mixed into the rain, speaking of more that was to come. Adriene briefly thought about going back for gloves and then decided against it, huddling deeper into her coat beneath the hood.

It wasn't until she discovered that the ground beneath her feet was no longer paved and the air tasted salty that she realized she had walked all the way out to the Wounded Coast. The jagged rocks stuck out of the ocean water like broken bones, the ragged, sharp edges breaking through the dark waters. The waves crashed against them with angry force, spraying icy, salty drops even up to where she stood. And just like that, the careful control she had had on her thoughts broke apart. A desperate sob wrung from her lips, cut short by her biting so hard down on her lip that she tasted blood, and hot, bitter tears mixed with the cold drizzle from the rain on her face. Adriene stared across the stormy seas into the grey clouds racing across the sky, wishing she could let them wash away the memories, the emotions that threatened to drown her, the hurt, the pain, the crushed hope and lost happiness. Just wash away that last night.

 _This should never have happened in the first place_ , he had murmured, and right now, she couldn’t agree with him more. It would have been easier if she had let him go when he wanted to, if they had never kissed.

For a moment, she was tempted to grab a rock and haul it out into the sea, to scream and rage and cry all that burning inside her away. But she wasn’t sure if she could stop if she started now, so she just stayed still until her tense muscles felt like cramping, her hair whipping about in the wind, dark strands plastered against her face. Her hood had fallen off, but she barely felt the sting of the rain against her skin.

Why did it hurt so much? It was not like there was much difference to yesterday morning. Yesterday, she had been just as hopelessly and stupidly in love with him, and he had been just as unreachable. At least today, she no longer needed to worry about him. She knew he was safe. If anything, she should feel relieved. More at ease.

Her skin stung from the cold rain, and little rivulets of water ran down her neck into her collar, sending shivers down her body, but she didn’t care. 

If she thought about it, it was probably better that he had left. If she had woken bad memories in him despite the fact that he had finally had some of his revenge, she was obviously not good for him. And that didn’t even take their gravely different opinions in some aspects into account.

There was not even the need for anyone to know about what happened. He certainly wouldn’t tell anyone, and she only needed to get a grip on herself and go back to being easy-going, take-care-of-everything Hawke. It was not the first time she needed to present a cheerful façade during the days.

The thought sent a shiver through her, and her chest got tighter. For a moment, she had to stop, bracing herself against one of the rocks on the side of the road as she took a conscious, deep breath, then another, and another. No, certainly not the first time. _Maker_ , she hadn’t thought about her time in the army for so long. 

All she had wanted was to forget. But when Fenris had grabbed her, violently pushing her against the wall, she had found herself somewhere else entirely.

She still stared at the sea without seeing it, the rolling sound only interrupted by the gulls' mournful cries as the memories crashed over her like the waves over the rocks and against the coast. She just wished she had had some of these rocks' endurance back when she was serving in the King's army together with Carver during the Blight.

He had been a part of their squad. Tellon. A few years older than she, handsome, quick to laugh, as reckless and joyful in battle as she. Always a tease on his lips, a spark in his eyes. She had fallen head over heels in love with him. It had felt like a reprieve, this time in the army, both for her and Carver. Despite the fighting, the darkspawn. Army life was simple, clear. They all had one goal — clear the area of darkspawn, make way for the backup, meet up at Ostagar with the main force. For once no hiding game. Nobody asked questions about their sisters.

And the days of fighting also made sure that nobody lost any time. Every other night, people started to share a tent; who knew if they could do it again the following day? So when Tellon had nudged her towards his tent, Adriene had followed, giddy and cheerful, and for a little while, she had actually been happy. 

The violence had come later. High-running emotions from a cruel day turned into a cruel outburst. _I’m sorry_ , he had said when he hit her the first time, _it won’t happen again_. And she had believed him. Had wanted to believe him. But his hits had gotten worse and more frequent, and while she had told herself in the beginning that it was an accident, there had come a time when she could no longer lie to herself. But by then, it had been too late.

She had been so deeply entangled in his web of cruelty, threats, tenderness, and habit that she hadn't been able to break free. She knew that his loving touches could turn violent from one moment to the next. Her infatuation had long turned to fear, and not even his smile could ease the apprehension of what would happen once they were alone. By then, she had learned to just let the hits rain down on her and lay still when he used her afterwards. When they were finally on their way to Ostagar, she had come to be her cheerful self during the day and become his obedient, quiet plaything during the nights. Just complying with his every wish was easier and led to fewer injuries than fighting back.

Even if she had wanted to fight back, Tellon had had one ace up his sleeve: Carver had been in the same troop. Adriene had known that if she ever defied him, her little brother would die because of it. And that had been a price she never would have been able to pay.

But it had been more than that. Sometimes, when she had lain awake, breathing through the pain after Tellon had fallen asleep next to her, a cruel little voice had whispered inside her, “This is your own fault. It’s no more than you deserve.” After all, she only had bruises or a broken rib. Jeremy and Darrek were dead. This — the Blight, the violence — was nothing compared to what she had done to them. 

It had been her own private little inescapable nightmare within the nightmare that was the Blight. It was only in that last, horrific fight, when the King's army was overrun at Ostagar, that she had finally found the courage and opportunity to get away, fleeing the darkspawn together with Carver. They had grabbed their sisters and mother in Lothering and gotten out, away. She had not looked back, breathing freely for the first time in months. As far as she knew, Tellon had died together with most of the army.

She had never talked about it to anyone. She wasn’t even sure Carver knew, even though he probably had had his suspicions. And apart from the recurring nightmares, she had managed not to think about it in the three years they now were in Kirkwall.

Until last night.

Adriene shivered against the wet cold that the wind brought with it. She had thought that she had paid with enough of her blood for the deaths she had on her conscience. How naive she had been to think that she could hold on to such happiness.

_This should never have happened in the first place._

Fenris was right. She never should have allowed this. Her relationships were marred by pain, always. It was what had made her keep a careful emotional distance from Isabela. But now, she had hurt him just by being with him, waking memories that probably made hers pale in comparison.

Yes, it was probably better this way.

Even though Fenris had managed to completely erase every trace of uneasiness after that first, gruesome moment, it should have been her first hint. He had awakened bad memories in her, she in him… The Maker couldn't have sent a clearer sign to stay away from each other.

Adriene started to wander around the Wounded Coast, taking this path and that, poking at flotsam and staring at the ocean before she finally made her way back to Kirkwall when darkness fell. By now, she felt somewhat calmer, more detached. Time to go back to an old, well-proven antidote to too many feelings: keeping busy.

Even though Varric had by now surely heard about Fenris' safe return, she felt like she needed to update him. She also hadn't really made any effort of helping Orana settle in in the household, and if she remembered correctly, there were a few letters she had ignored for the last few days. There was enough to do to keep her busy and her thoughts clear from memories of happiness or pain. Isabela would certainly keep her company, so she might just stay at the Hanged Man when Fenris wasn’t there, to get deliriously drunk. No easier way to forget. She just wished she could feel less heartbroken about it.

___

Forgetting turned out to be harder than she had expected.

It was a late afternoon a few weeks later that Adriene knocked at the door of an unimpressive looking little house in Lowtown. Darkness was already falling, and she had her hood up, her face hidden in the shadows. She did not want Varric or one of her contacts to see her, to ask the wrong — or right — questions. For a few moments, everything was silent, then the door opened, and a friendly, open face looked up at her. The elven woman was in her early fifties, the hair on her temples already greying. An inviting smell of herbs and cleanliness wafted through the door.

“What can I do for you?” the woman asked, and the friendly way she looked at her showed only openness.

Adriene hesitated for just a second before she asked in return, “Are you Meylin, the midwife?”

The woman's eyes softened and darted across her face. “I am. Please come in.”

She led Adriene into a small but warm back room. Small bundles of herbs hung from the ceiling, and one wall was covered with shelves full of salves and glasses, tinctures and large bottles. A comfortable-looking bed was in the other end of the room, though it did not look as if it was used to sleep in it. A small kettle boiled over the fireplace, a heavy, warm smell coming from the slowly bubbling liquid inside. Adriene slowly took off the hood and looked around. Meylin gestured towards a cushioned chair. “Please sit down. What can I do for you?”

Adriene noted that the midwife did not ask for her name and did not give any indication that she knew who she was. A small grace. She slowly and carefully sat down, for a moment at a loss for words. Meylin took out a small stool and sat down opposite her. She did not seem to be in a hurry, just looked at Adriene with patience and sympathy. It was that look that made Adriene glad she was already sitting down for she was unsure how she would have managed to keep upright. The lump in her throat seemed to get bigger under the warm and caring eyes of the elf, and it took her a few moments to say, “There was… we were not careful. And now I missed my monthlies. And I need… I know there's a potion that…”

Her voice trailed off, but Meylin didn’t wait for her to continue. There was a look of sympathy on her face as she looked her over, then she nodded. ”There is," she said and went over to the shelves, pulling out a small flask. 

Her voice was warm, but she did not embellish when she gave her instructions on how to use the potion.

“How long are you overdue?” she asked when she was done.

Adriene was quiet for a moment, then she said, “Two weeks.”

Meylin nodded. “A two-week delay is not out of the ordinary. And there are certain risks involved in taking the potion,” she explained softly. “Your body might not deal well with the blood loss. Please consider waiting a few more days or even a week or two to see if your monthly bleeding is only delayed.”

“I'd rather not,” Adriene murmured, her hand clasped tightly around the small flask, looking down at the floor.

“Can you tell me why?” Meylin asked. There was no accusation in her voice, only warm calmness and patience.

It was that warmth and quiet acceptance that made Adriene answer. “I don’t know if I want to know whether I’m… actually pregnant,” she confessed quietly. “A Chantry sister once told me that it was a sin not to take any child, no matter the circumstances, as a gift. Compensation from the Maker for… whatever happened. So I'd rather not risk…” Her voice failed her, but Meylin laid a soft hand on her arm.

“You'd rather not risk the Maker's wrath for not carrying to term if it came to a pregnancy,” she continued the sentence for her.

Adriene blinked quickly as she gave a little, joyless laugh. “Ridiculous, right? I don't even go to the Chantry any more.”

“No.” The answer was so plain in its simplicity that Adriene looked up. Meylin gave her a small smile. “No, it's not ridiculous. It is hard to act against something that one has believed in all their lives. But consider this: the Chantry sister is someone who can easily talk about this and look down on it because as a chaste woman she will probably never have to face that decision. And she is not the one having to live with it for the rest of her life. It was not her decision to make. Did not Andraste herself say 'Let no soul harbor guilt'?”

For a long time, Adriene just looked at Meylin, her eyes burning. “Maybe,” she whispered, “but…”

Meylin shook her head. “No but. No Chantry sister has the right to ask of you a life of suffering nor to inflict such on a child. Nor would the Maker ask such, I am sure. Believe me, I have witnessed many things, and a child not born is better than a child abandoned.”

Adriene closed her eyes, tears burning behind her eyelids. Her voice was unsteady as she answered, “I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t abandon it. But I have other people to consider. And the father might not want it.”

“And what about you?”

The question was so simple that Adriene was taken aback for a second. “I…” she began, only to trail off again. “I don’t know,” she eventually said. “I’ve not really thought about it before. Having children was always something so far off… It was never an option, so I didn’t think about it. In a way, sometime in the future, yes, but… alone?” She shrugged helplessly.

“Hm.” The midwife looked at her thoughtfully. “How long before your monthly bleeding should have come were you intimate?”

Adriene thought about it for a moment. “About two weeks, I think.”

Meylin nodded. “I would offer to check if I can feel anything, but I fear it is yet too early to tell. If you come back to me next week or the one after and still haven’t bled, I might be able to sense if there is something.”

Adriene's eyes widened, then she shook her head vigorously. “No. No. I can't do that." The thought of knowing there was the possibility of life within her and then deciding against it was even worse than the thought of potentially deciding against it. 

“I understand.” The look in Meylin's eyes told her that she did indeed understand.

Silence filled the room, but it was not a condescending one. Adriene wiped her eyes, not quite sure what to think. After several more moments, Meylin patted her arm. "Just think about it. The potion will help you, but it will be an ordeal on your body. But you still have another four to six weeks to decide.“

Adriene nodded. "Thank you," she murmured. "I will think about it."

She made her way home slowly, nearly forgetting about putting up her hood. It was only when she caught a glimpse of Varric on his way across Lowtown that she remembered and quickly dodged into an alley to remain unseen. As she leaned against the wall, she looked down at the flask still clasped tightly in her hand and took a deep breath, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat to no avail.

What was she to do?

She still remembered how her mother had reacted to Cassia’s pregnancy, the positive surprise her support had been. And even if she was far from certain that Leandra would be as supportive towards her — she wouldn’t be able any more to fight for Bethany or Cassia, after all, not for a while — at least money wasn’t an issue, even if Fenris would not want the child.

What about herself, though? Did she want a child? With a father who had rejected her, who was hunted by a Tevinter magister, in a city that was under threat of the Qunari and with one of the worst Circles of the Free Marches? And the same thing she had thrown at Cullen when she had been worrying about Cassia was true for herself — what if the child was a mage, too? Could she risk, could she bear losing her child to this Circle? Even worse, could she bear Fenris hating his own child?

Her eyes burned as she pictured his reaction, the horror in his face. He had clearly told her that he didn’t want children, that his revenge on Danarius was all that counted for him. That would not change, just because it was her that was pregnant.

_Or would it?_

Adriene pushed herself off the wall and pulled on her hood again. Steeling herself, she pocketed the potion and made her way to Hightown, taking a detour through Darktown to avoid accidentally meeting any of her friends.

This wasn’t just her decision.

Slowly, she passed her home, walking on. The Chantry loomed over her, its towers threateningly high against the blue, cold sky, and unwittingly, she quickened her step. It wasn’t until she stood before the empty-looking mansion that she stopped. Taking a deep breath, she knocked.

It took a while until Fenris opened the door, surprise in his eyes when he saw her standing in front of him.

“Adriene?”

There was a careful neutrality to his voice that made her heart sink. Adriene pulled down her hood and nodded. Her voice was quiet, subdued as she said, “We need to talk.”

After just the tiniest hesitation, Fenris took a step to the side and held the door open for her. Quietly, Adriene came in, and they walked upstairs without speaking. When they were inside his room, Fenris made an inviting gesture to one of the armchairs. There was a strange tension between them. It was the first time that they were alone after their night together, and she avoided his eyes, her heart heavy. Somehow, she wasn’t even able to joke, to make light when there was such sadness in her. Not here with him.

Fenris obviously didn’t know what to do, what to say, and just looked at her wearily, waiting for her to start.

Adriene put the little flask she had gotten from the midwife on the table, and he frowned.

“What’s this?”

She didn’t quite meet his eyes as she explained, “It’s… I missed my monthlies. So I went to a midwife and, uh, got this.”

When he didn’t say anything, she looked up, cautiously searching his face. Fenris just stared at her, his eyes wide. This was clearly not what he had expected. “You… you’re pregnant?!”

Adriene took a deep breath, shrugging and shaking her head at the same time. “No, I… I don’t know. I might be.”

The silence was deafening, and the look on Fenris’ face was one of utter shock. Eventually, he said slowly, “I never… there never was a need for me to take precautions in Tevinter. I am sorry, Adriene. I didn’t think.”

“It’s just as much my fault,” Adriene hurried to say. “With everything, I just forgot that I wasn’t taking my potion. And then, when I remembered, I was already late. I waited another week… but now, here we are.”

Another silence stretched between them.

“So you’re getting rid of it,” he said tonelessly. There was a strange hardness on his face, and he did not look at her, his eyes glued to the flask between them.

She waited for him to look up, to search his eyes, but he refused to, and eventually, she explained, “That’s what I’m here to talk about, Fenris, and again, I might not be pregnant at all, but…”

Suddenly, he looked up, and the way his eyes narrowed at her made her stop abruptly. His voice was hard and distant as he said, “But if you are… well, you have taken the precautions to make sure it does not stay that way. It looks like you already know what you’re going to do. What are you here for?”

Her shoulders sank, and she fumbled for words. “I… I thought, you might want…” She interrupted herself and closed her eyes for a moment. Silence stretched as she struggled for something to say, to explain, but when she looked back at him, the bitterness in his face let the words die on her tongue. Adriene swallowed the tears that threatened and quickly got up, taking the flask in the process.

“No, sorry. I’m sorry,” she murmured without looking at him. “It was a stupid thought. I’ll let you know how everything goes. Goodbye, Fenris.”

Without waiting for his answer, she turned around and left.


	40. What To Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. We can barely believe it but this chapter marks 40 weeks of consecutive posting and the end of the first part of our story. It's also been 40 weeks of getting happy over kudos and reading and replying to wonderful comments from you all. 40 weeks of fun tumblr interaction on top of it. So we wanna say thank you to our betas and our readers and hope you stay with us when we start with part two. 'The Mind Lies, Not The Heart' starts on the 6th of April. In the meantime we have some fun extras about this story coming out on our usual Monday spot. Check intothedragonverse.tumblr.com for that.
> 
> Additional notes for a sensitive topic in this chapter: There is talk of all the different ways of dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, including talk about having a termination.

The distinct glow of the fireplace gave the living room a warm, cozy feeling. Cassia shifted slightly, shaking out her arm for a moment before settling back down. Whenever she got lost in a book, she tended to stay in a position just that little bit too long. This time until the tingling in her arm had made it necessary to move. Wrapped into a thin but warm blanket, she was half draped over Cullen’s lap. Without a word, he moved slightly, just enough so she could get comfortable again before his arm came back to resting on her side. 

It was late in the evening already, and they had spent the blissfully quiet time since Maia had gone to sleep together. Cullen worked one-handedly on some notes for a report while Cassia lost herself in the adventurous tale of a dashing pirate captain, courtesy of Isabela. She was about to turn the page when the unmistakable sound of knocking on their front door made both of them pause.

Cullen put his notes down, and Cassia instinctively shifted enough so he could get up and check who their late-night visitor was. There weren’t many people who would call on them this late, but before Cassia could wonder who it might be, she could hear the voice of her sister.

“Is Cassia still awake?” Adriene asked, sounding tentative. The door closed behind her, meaning that Cullen had ushered her in.

“She is, come in! Let me take your cloak,” Cassia heard Cullen answer, and only a short moment later, Adriene came into the living room.

“Hey Cass,” she greeted her, sounding a bit more subdued than Cassia was used to. “Do you have a moment? I have to talk to you.”

“Of course,” Cassia answered, trying to keep the confusion about her sister’s strange mood out of her voice. Behind Adriene, Cullen stood in the doorway, looking at her with raised eyebrows.

“You need some privacy?” he asked, and Cassia nodded before Adriene could say anything. 

“Great,” Adriene said with her usual humorous tone, “now I feel bad for kicking you out of your own living room.” The crooked smile on her face didn’t reach her eyes, though, belying the tone of her voice. Cullen shook his head.

“It’s fine, I have some things in the study that I should really look over anyway.” With a nod, he disappeared, closing the door behind him. 

Cassia nodded towards the armchair next to her, carefully watching her sister as she sat down and made herself comfortable.

“So, what is the matter? I am guessing something is up?” she asked as soon as Adriene looked at her again.

Adriene nodded slowly. “Yes, you could say that,” she said softly. She took a deep breath, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat that had been there ever since she had talked to Fenris a few days ago. She had tried to find the courage to take the potion over and over again, had stared at it, had tried to forget about it, had tried to picture every outcome and failed. She had even gone to the Chantry, wordlessly staring at Andraste’s statue as if she could force some answers out of her, but as soon as a Chantry Sister had come towards her with that smile they always bore, she had turned around and left again. There were no answers, no consolation found there.

She reached into the pouch on her belt and took out the flask with the potion. Her fingers closed tightly around it, and she bit her lip for a moment to collect herself. But as she spoke, her voice sounded off even to herself, distanced, cool. “When Fenris came back… after Hadriana, I mean.” Cassia nodded slightly when she paused for a second, and Adriene continued, “He… uhm… he spent the night.” She saw her sister’s eyes widen, and quickly added, “He left the next morning saying he regretted it ever happened, so… that’s not…” 

She trailed off, clearing her throat, looking aimlessly around the room to avoid looking at her sister. Cassia reached for her hand, but Adriene just shook her head, blinking quickly. “That’s not what I’m here about. I… I was stupid.” She put the flask on the desk before them without further ado. For a moment, she struggled for words, her composure crumbling with every passing moment. “I don’t know what to do, Cass. Please tell me what to do.” 

It took Cassia a few seconds to follow, to truly understand what was on Adriene’s mind. Her eyes went from her sister down to the bottle and back as understanding dawned in her. 

“Maker,” she muttered quietly before searching for Adriene’s eyes. “Have you talked to Fenris already?”

Adriene nodded, looking down on her hands that were tightly clasped in her lap to keep herself from nervously picking at random things. “Yes. He… said I obviously already made up my mind since I already got the potion, and that he didn’t know why I was there.” She took a breath, shaking her head as if to get rid of the emotional uproar inside her. Blinking against the sudden sting in her eyes, she said, “I don’t even know if… you know. I’m two weeks late, but… if… I don’t know if I can risk it and…” Again, she shook her head, trying to find the right words, trying to stay collected. There was a burning feeling in her chest as she tried to breathe past the threatening tears. It didn’t help much. A sob escaped her, and she pressed a hand against her eyes. “Cassia, he doesn’t even want me, why would he want our child?” she whispered in a broken voice, trying to keep the tears back. Now that she had started to talk, she barely seemed able to stop herself, the words coming in a desperate flow. “And with everything going on in the city… An elf-blooded child in a mage family in Kirkwall, unwanted by the father, another child going into the templars’ records, all while the Qunari are hovering like an ever-present threat down in the harbor, ready to explode any time…”

Cassia leaned forward, gently placing one of her hands on Adriene’s shoulders. Her sister was tense, her voice shaky and full of worry.

“Adriene, breathe!” she instructed her carefully, trying to sound as soothing as possible. “You are not alone in this, we’ll figure it our, alright?”

Gently, she stroked her shoulder and arm until she felt at least some of the tension ebb off again. When Adriene was ready to look at her again, Cassia gave her an encouraging smile.

“First of all, I’ll have you know I am going to kick Fenris’ ass all the way up to the top of Sundermount and back down again for making you feel like this,” she said with a determined expression that was in stark contrast to the smile still on her face. When Adriene looked like she wanted to say something, Cassia only shook her head. “Uh, no, that is non-negotiable, I’m afraid! But the more important things first!”

She reached for her sister’s hand. “I hear you!  These  are very good points, and I understand why you are worried and upset,” she assured Adriene. “But all those things you said? Yes, they are obstacles, but remember who you are talking to here.” With a smile, she nodded in the direction where Maia’s day-time crib stood. “I know a bit about really bad situations and obstacles — and how to work around them, right? But I feel like I have to ask a far more important question.”

At Adriene’s confused look, she squeezed her hand in support. “What do  _ you _ want?”

Adriene just looked at her helplessly. “I don’t know,” she confessed in a small voice, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “I don’t know, isn't that the worst thing?” She splayed out her hands, her voice choking up as she spoke. “And isn’t that in itself an answer already? But still, I can’t seem to bring myself to take that blighted potion, and yet all I can think of is that if I want to take it, I should do it now, now, before it’s…” She took another shuddering breath, “Now, before I know for sure that there  _ is _ a child.”

She sank in on herself as she looked at her sister nearly fearfully. “You must think I am the worst person on this earth for even considering it,” she murmured. Cassia had always been more devout than she, and took the Chantry’s teachings very seriously. And while there was no official Chantry edict on this, Adriene only remembered the words of the Sister she had sought counsel with once only too well.

Cassia blinked in confusion at her sister’s words. “Why in the world would you think I would think badly of you?” she asked. “Do you think because I have Maia I would judge you for not wanting to go down the same path right now? Because I absolutely won’t, I promise!”

“Not because of Maia,” Adriene said slowly, shaking her head as she struggled to find the right words. “But I know that you always felt more strongly about the Chantry than I did. And the last time…” 

There was a pause in which Adriene tried to get a hold on herself, and Cassia asked carefully and softly, “The last time?”

Adriene bit her lip to keep it from trembling. “It… happened before,” she said tonelessly, staring into nothing before she buried her face in her hands. “Maker, what kind of person am I even?” she whispered, then she took a breath and continued, “When I was in the army. Back then, the Sister I spoke to told me that no matter the circumstances, a child is always a blessing. And he, the... man, he was… violent.” Even the memory caused her to shudder. “He would have hurt the child, would have hurt me. And I told her, but she didn’t care. She still said that it was against the Maker.” She shook her head, still not daring to look at Cassia. “And if she said that back then already, what justification do I have now? None.” Very quietly, she added, “What if this is what tips the scale irrevocably against me in His eyes?”

Cassia had listened to her sister with growing concern. For a moment, she heard Anders’ voice in her head. The way he had argued so many times to try and make her understand why he was so against her idolisation of the Chantry. The way he had tried to make her see the harm the Chantry could do. She had started to question things before, but nothing had driven the doubts home as much as what Adriene just told her did. Who in their right mind would say something like that to a young woman in need, in pain? Cassia could name at least a handful of scenarios where nothing about being with child would count as a blessing off the top of her head already. What a thoughtless, downright vicious thing to say. 

“Adriene, that Sister was wrong,” she said fiercely, sliding out of her chair and kneeling next to her sister, still clasping her hand tightly in her own. “The Maker doesn’t keep a tally list for all that you do. He sees into you. He judges your heart and not some arbitrary list of good and bad deeds on some sort of scale.” If there was one thing about her faith Cassia was absolutely certain of, even more so now than ever before, it was that someone as all-encompassing as the Maker would not be obsessed with minor details. 

Her thumb ran over the back of Adriene’s hand, mirroring the way her sister would usually console her when Cassia needed it and her face softened. “If you want, I'll go and get Sebastian to tell you the same thing, he’ll back me up here! Forget that stupid Sister and her words, please!” 

She tried her best to be comforting but inwardly Cassia shuddered. She couldn’t even imagine what her sister must have felt like, how hard it must have been for her in the army camp with the Blight happening all around them. Surrounded by death and hopelessness, and then comforted by the more judgemental side of the Chantry. And in such a situation… Adriene hadn’t said much, but the few words had been enough. Violent. He would have hurt the child… She felt a cold grasp around her heart for Adriene’s pain that was clearly visible in her eyes now. 

“You did nothing wrong, Adriene,” she said, trying to stay calm. It wouldn’t help Adriene at all if Cassia let her own anger simmer through right now. She couldn’t quite banish all traces of it from her voice, though. “Please believe me! None of this is your fault or makes you a bad person! It is other people who have wronged  _ you _ !”

Adriene just shook her head. “Not true,” she murmured. “It can’t be.”

“Of course it can, Adriene,” Cassia assured her, but she shook her head more vehemently, her voice getting louder.

“No, Cassia, you don’t understand! It cannot be true! It cannot!” Her eyes had gotten a pleading look. “Because if it is, if it’s not my fault… if the Blight, if Tellon and the way he hit me wasn’t the just punishment for what I have done, then… why?” Her voice broke as she grabbed Cassia’s hand more tightly. “Why did it happen? And why am I back here now, looking at that potion I wished I had back then, without… him?” Her lips started to tremble. “I promise, I tried to do right by you all, I really did. I tried.”

Cassia didn’t know what to say for a moment, stunned into silence by the words falling from her sister’s lips. All of them sounding so very wrong.

“Adriene, listen to me, because this is important,” she finally said. She waited until Adriene finally looked her in the eyes, keeping her gaze. “Awful things happen, that doesn’t mean you deserved any of it, doesn’t mean that they are some sort of punishment.” She could tell it was not at all what Adriene wanted to hear, but she didn’t let herself be deterred.

“No,  _ listen _ to me,” she insisted as she saw that her sister was ready to argue. “You’ve read what happened to those mages in the Gallows, right? Would you let anyone argue that even one of them deserved it? That it was their just punishment for their deeds?”

Adriene flinched, a shocked expression on her face. “No, of course not! But that is…”

“Different?” Cassia interrupted her. “How? How is it different? You know what I did, right? I told you… So, if bad deeds would cause the Maker to deal out just punishment that would mean that I deserve to get punished as well, right?” She could see Adriene’s eyes widen even more. “I didn’t let them go, and now, a mage is tranquil — it would only be just for me to share their fate, no?”

She could see that her sister was struggling; ingrained beliefs fighting with what Cassia had just said. 

“Bad things happen to us because there are horrible people out there doing them, not because of divine intervention,” Cassia repeated her point. With a much calmer voice, she added, “I know that thought is terrifying. Because if things just happen, that means we can’t control it, right? It’s much easier to believe that if we only behave well enough, no harm will ever come to us, but that is simply not true. The world sucks. People are awful. And none of it is your fault!”

Adriene stared at Cassia, her throat closed. Cassia couldn’t be right, could she? That would mean that all of it had had no reason. That Tellon had just hurt her because he could. And that she still hadn’t atoned for the past. Couldn’t atone for it. She closed her eyes, her lips trembling, and a tear ran over her cheek, then another that she quickly wiped away. She didn’t want to cry, not now. If she started, who knew whether she could ever stop again?

“Then what do I do?” she asked helplessly, when she looked back at Cassia. “I don’t think I can do this alone. And Fenris-”

“Even without Fenris, you’re not alone, Adriene,” Cassia interrupted her, pulling her into a fierce embrace. “I’m right here. Whatever you decide.”

For a long moment, Adriene hugged her back, nestling her face into the curve of Cassia’s shoulder, swallowing more tears that seemed to threaten constantly today.

“Thank you,” she whispered, a sob in her voice. “I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that.”

“You did the same for me, remember?” Cassia said with a smile. “When I was still convinced that I would have to do all this alone, you were there for me, telling me that I am not alone in this.” It had been only a little over a year ago but somehow it felt like it was in a different lifetime to Cassia.

“Listen, whatever you want to decide for yourself, I promise I will be right there, right next to you,” she said quietly. “You want to take it right now? We have a small guest room. I’ll take care of you, check for side effects and nurse you back to health if you need me to.” Cassia had read enough about potions to know that this specific one was not without its side effects. It was a promise easily made. She would make sure that Adriene would felt taken care of, regardless.

“If you want to wait, I’ll be here too, and if you need me to tell you that there is nothing wrong with taking the potion later a couple more times, I’ll do that, too.” She held Adriene a bit tighter, squeezing her shoulder lightly before rubbing her back in gentle, soothing motions. “And if you wait and you decide on not taking the potion, then I will take care of you as well. No matter what anyone else says. I’ll even go and kick Fenris’ ass for you, I’ve been getting really good with a sword!”

Despite the whirlwind of emotions still going through her, all the insecurity and darkness in her heart, Adriene found herself oddly soothed by her sister’s words, and she chuckled softly. “You know that you’d have to tell Isabela about it so she can place a ridiculously high bet on you.”

“Wait, do you mean you wouldn’t bet on me?” Cassia held Adriene at arm’s length, looking at her with fake affront in her eyes, but there was relief and warmth in her gaze as she matched her sister’s lighter tone.

“Of course I would, but I’d have to be discreet about it, can’t have favoritism for family, can you?” Adriene smiled, even if it was a bit lopsided as she wiped her cheeks.

“Sure you can. In this case, you’re required to!” Cassia made a dismissive hand gesture before she smiled back at Adriene.

Adriene’s smile vanished, however, as she looked back to the flask. “I still don’t know what to do,” she confessed in a small voice. “I know what the logical thing would be. And I can’t quite see myself with a child in all of this, but then I look at you and Maia, and think… maybe it would be great? Maybe it would be my only chance, what if I miss it?” She rubbed a hand over her forehead, a wistfulness that hadn’t been there before in her voice as she whispered, “It would be such a beautiful child…” Then she took a deep breath, and said, “But then I think of Mom…”

Carefully, Cassia interjected, “Mom was actually supportive, remember?”

Adriene just looked at Cassia. “She’s different with me, you know it.” There was not much bitterness to her voice. It was an old truth that they both knew. “And there won’t be a surprise return of the father, who also happens to be of good standing and even with a little money to his name. No marriage that takes care of all the problems arising within her noble circles.” She shook her head. ”Also, even with your good example to follow, it would be the second time that happens, it would reflect badly on her. And she… It wouldn’t be good.”

“If you are pregnant and see this through, well, if Mom wants to give you any grief, she’ll have to go through me,” Cassia said with determination. “I won’t let her unload anything negative onto you about this, I’ll even get Cullen to help.” With a conspiratory smile, she added, “Mom adores him. You should see her when he is around, it’s like she is unable to even frown, let alone say a single negative thing.”

A tiny smile flickered over Adriene’s face at that.

“I also don’t think that this is your only chance at this,” Cassia told her sister with raised eyebrows. “If now is not the right time, then that’s that. Doesn’t mean it won’t be the right time a couple of years from now.” It was all that she could say to comfort Adriene.

“You make all of this sound so easy…” Adriene mumbled quietly, and Cassia grinned at her.

“Haven’t you heard? I got a new special talent these past few months. I seem to be always right. Haven’t lost an argument in forever, really!”

For the second time, Adriene chuckled. “That’s not a special talent, Cassia, that’s your daughter, and you keep cheating by using her to shut the people up that annoy you.” She grinned, her dark mood somewhat lightening at her sister’s open support. “Works even better than throwing stuff at their heads.”

Cassia’s grin widened. “I know, isn’t it great? Even though I fear it will impact my accuracy in the long run.”

Adriene gave her a speculative look. “Well, Maia is not here right now, so… ouff.” She wasn’t able to finish the sentence before a couch cushion hit her square in the face.

“Ha!” she heard Cassia’s satisfied voice. “Still got it.”

Adriene blinked as she came up from beneath the cushion, narrowing her eyes at her sister. “You really want to go there now? Really?” And without further ado, she threw the cushion back.

A few minutes later, Adriene laughed openly for the first time in what felt like weeks. “Can I stay here?” she asked, smiling as she grabbed the cushion tightly before Cassia could take it again.

Cassia returned the smile, but she seemed to have sobered somewhat at Adriene’s question. “Of course you can. Do you want to take it now?” The question was soft, unobtrusive, but Adriene just shook her head.

“No, I… I think I need a bit more time. But I don’t want to be in the house alone tonight.” She took a deep breath. “And tomorrow, I’ll have to find something to do for Orana. Honestly, with just Mom and me, we’re fine with Bodhan and Sandal — more than fine, actually.” Her eyes lit up as a thought came to her. “You don’t need the help by any chance? With Maia and all?”

Immediately, Cassia shook her head. “No, we’re…”

“Barely having time for each other, right? Wasn’t that what you said? I can’t imagine that got better now that you’re helping him with some of the investigations.” Adriene nodded towards the worktable that had been placed in the living room and where she knew Cassia worked from.

Cassia started to protest, but it was only half-hearted. After a moment, Adriene stopped her by laying a hand on her arm. “Just think about it, alright? After everything she went through, I don’t want to place her with just anyone, you know?”

“Alright,” her sister nodded after another moment of consideration. “I’ll think about it.”

* * *

Orana started to work in the Rutherford household not two weeks later, shortly after Adriene knew that taking the potion wouldn’t be necessary after all. A strange mix of relief and sadness went through her at the discovery, but she quickly drowned it in more work, and even more days spent with Cassia and Maia.

Leandra and Bethany returned to Kirkwall two months into the new year for Wintersend, just in time to see Maia’s first wobbly steps. Bethany stayed long enough to celebrate her niece’s first birthday in Cloudreach, but nobody was surprised that she left for Amaranthine again shortly after Aveline and Donnic’s wedding with a vague promise to possibly return in autumn. 

With the spring, Adriene started to carefully ask Fenris on missions again, and he agreed to come most of the time, but it was a decidedly uneasy connection between them. Neither seemed to be completely comfortable, and it didn’t help that there were still moments when smiling at each other was the first reaction between them, or they shared a look that showed wordless understanding. Each time, there was a pang of hope that Adriene quickly tried to snuff out, turning to more random flirts and fights to take her mind off Fenris. Slowly, the pain eased, became less raw, less ragged, but it didn’t quite disappear.

Somehow, the news of what had happened between them had made its round in their circle of friends, adding another layer of discomfort. While Anders was quietly there for Adriene, Isabela was the most vocal about it at first, but even she stopped mentioning it when both Adriene and Fenris stubbornly kept silent about it. After she stopped being furious with Fenris, Bela seemed torn which of them needed more cheering up, and eventually decided on both of them, dividing her attention equally between them.

It helped.

Isabela’s unchanged, devoted flirting made Adriene feel lighter, less alone, and Cassia’s unwavering support led to a new closeness between the twins that reminded both of them of the time before the fateful deaths in their youth.

When Summerday came, it nearly felt like their lives couldn’t be in a harsher contrast to the growing tensions within the city. But they were working on it. Anders and Adriene intensified their efforts with the mage underground, while Cullen and Cassia tried to find the templars behind the worst crimes, getting to justice whoever they could.

It was a beautiful day in Justinian with the first blossoms falling from the trees in the gardens in Hightown, when someone threw open the main door of the Hawke mansion, locking it again behind them.

“Adriene! ADRIENE!”

Fenris’ voice was agitated, sharply contrasted by the desperate crying of a child. Adriene was already halfway down the stairs, her eyes wide. This was unlike Fenris. What the Blight was going on?! She found him half-poised as if to run, Maia crying on his arms, her little hands digging into his tunic. He looked at her with wild, determined eyes, a slight sheen of sweat on his skin, and Adriene could see that he was barely containing his emotions. Before she could say anything, though, he already spoke.

“Cassia has been arrested by templars.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Affected](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23262862) by [Elveny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elveny/pseuds/Elveny), [Kunstpause](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunstpause/pseuds/Kunstpause)
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